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House MD - 2.16 Safe

Originally Aired: Apr 4 2006

Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: Feliz Enrique Alcala

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



(Scene opens on a teenage boy confronting an older woman through the glass side door of a house)

Dan: It's almost eleven!

Barbara: She needs a lot of sleep these days.

Dan: Please. Ms Bardach, I haven't seen her for a week.

Barbara: I'll see how she's feeling. [she opens the glass door]

Dan: Thank you.

Barbara: You know what to do.

[We see Dan using soap to scrub all the way up his arms and then wash them under the tap in the kitchen sink. He uses tissue to wipe his arms just as Barbara walks in]

Barbara: All done?

Dan: Yeah. I uh... scrubbed for 45 seconds, did the nails, all the way down to the elbows. The whole deal. [he sneezes]

Barbara: Are you sick?

Dan: No! No no no.

Barbara: [she reaches to touch his neck] Cough? Sore throat?

Dan: No no no. I just... sometimes I sneeze when I look at lights. Always have.

Barbara: I'm sorry, you'd better--

Dan: I would never get her sick. Please.

(Scene shifts to Melinda lying on her bed, Dan knocks on the door)

[Dan is wearing a mask as he walks into her bedroom which has been made into a clean room]

Melinda: A mask.

Dan: Got me by the bouncer.

Melinda: She's crazy! She's let me out like 6 times in the last 2 months, every time is just to go to the hospital, I'm a prisoner!

Dan: Aww, it's ok.

[They sit next to each other on the bed and he runs a finger over the surgical scar she has on her chest]

Melinda: It's ugly.

Dan: No. I wasn’t looking at the scar anyways. [she smiles and zips up her jumper]

Melinda: Take off your mask.

Dan: Uhh... if your mom comes in here...

Melinda: Hey, give me a kiss or I'll kill you.

[Dan takes off his mask but as they're about to start kissing he notices hives on her forearm]

Dan: Your skin... are you ok?

[Melinda starts scratching when suddenly she has difficulty breathing. CGI of her airways closing. She quickly struggles to the cabinets on the others side of the room and opens a drawer. She takes out an epi pen which she struggles to get Dan to use on her as her face starts to turn white]

Dan: Melinda can you...hey what's wrong? What's wrong, is it your heart? What's wrong?! Mrs Bardach!!

[Melinda drops the pen and she falls backwards, falling into anaphylactic shock]

Dan: Melinda, I don't know how to use this, I've never used one of these before!

[Just in the nick of time, Barbara arrives and quickly pushes epi to save Melinda, Dan is shocked]

Barbara: What did you do to her?

[OPENING CREDITS]

(Scene opens with House in a v-neck t-shirt and long pants hobbling his way into the kitchen. He quickly and quietly takes unwashed dishes from last night hidden in the oven, and dumps them into the kitchen sink. Wilson, all dressed up nicely arrives on the scene)

Wilson: Cuddy called.

House: I know. Saw the caller ID.

Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.

House: You answered?

Wilson: Turns out, that's what stops the ringing. It's a weird case. [he turns to see the unwashed dishes in the sink] I thought you did the dishes last night. It was your day.

House: I did. Those are new. Midnight snack. [he pops a vicodin]

Wilson: For a midnight snack you made a pot roast. The same pot roast I made last night.

House: Yeah. Actually it was after midnight. Today is your day, right?

Wilson: You want me out of here, I get it.

House: No it's fine if you stay. [he opens the fridge and notices a bottle with the label "Property of James Wilson" which he promptly snags out and starts drinking from]

Wilson: The place I was going to move, the guy never called, otherwise I'd already be there.

House: I said it's fine if you stay.

Wilson: Yeah, that's why you're making me miserable.

House: Maybe I just want to make sure you do your fair share around here.

Wilson: That... [he notices it's his bottle but doesn't manage to stop House from drinking from it in time]

House: What's weird about it? The girl with the allergies.

Wilson: Yeah. She's immuno-compromised.

House: What are you doing?

Wilson: What? You asked me--

House: You knew that I was interested, that gives you a valuable bargaining chip. Could have had me doing dishes for a week.

Wilson: [stares around in confusion for a few seconds] Ok. [he grabs the bottle off House and walks back out of the kitchen] The allergic reaction happened while she was in a clean room.

(Scene cuts to conference room with the Ducklings and Cuddy)

Cameron: Why did she have a clean room in her home?

House: Heart transplant. The immune system's in the toilet, mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta quality bubble.

Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.

House: Six months without putting out, Dr Cuddy doesn't NEED to wear thong panties, but it's not our call.

Cuddy: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties. She's had 4 days of work-ups. They've tested everyone who came anywhere near that room, everything in the room.

House: It's like an Agatha Christie mystery.

Chase: Maybe it's not what was there; it's what she was doing.

House: Exercise allergy. Love it. What sort of exercise could a strapping young man and a nubile teenage nymphet possibly be--

Cuddy: Mom was in the room within seconds.

Chase: So the boyfriend brought in an allergen and is lying about it.

Cameron: Or the girl snuck out and she's lying about that.

House: Or the parents are lying about the room being clean.

Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?

House: Hasn't let me down yet. Re-check mom, dad, the girl, the boy, the room and the home.

(Scene cuts to Foreman in the clean room with Melinda, her parents and Dan)

Foreman: Any of you have a new soap? Detergent? Perfume?

Lewis (the dad): No no, Barbara's really careful about that stuff.

Foreman: [looking at Melinda] And you haven't been outside recently?

Melinda: How could I? I'm trapped up there.

Barbara: You're not trapped, it's just safe--

Melinda: They won't even tell me the alarm code. Just tell her I can go back to school.

Foreman: Until we've cleared this up [shakes his head]

Melinda: Fine. Find out what I'm allergic to and I'll stay away from it. Then I can go back to school. Right?

Foreman: It's up to your parents, but err... medically, there's no reason...

Melinda: Hah. Told you.

Barbara: Could I speak to you outside for a second, please?

[Melinda and Dan exchange a look as Foreman and Barbara walk outside]

Barbara: You know, this is hard enough without you--

Foreman: She asked my opinion.

Barbara: She is 16-yrs-old, lie to her.

Foreman: When I was eight, my mom she... she hated--

Barbara: I know, I... I need to loosen up. I'm overprotective, I saw Finding Nemo, I get it, I don't need another story.

Foreman: You're not just being overprotective; you're one of the most overprotective parents I've ever seen!

Barbara: She has the best private tutors. I let her friends visit, I'm not going to apologise.

Foreman: Just giving you my thoughts.

Barbara: She almost died 3 times during her childhood. Penicillin, bee stings, peanuts.

Foreman: I've seen her file.

Barbara: Six months ago, we leave her home alone for the first time on a weekend. She goes out, buys one chocolate chip cookie, peanut butter in the dough. She's forgotten her epi pen, she drives to the hospital, passes out, has an accident. Steering wheel crushed her chest. She ended up losing her heart. So when you say to me that I'm one of the most overprotective parents you've seen, please, please introduce me to the ones who were more protective. So that I can find out what they're doing right.

(Scene cuts to Chase and Cameron searching Melinda's bedroom)

Chase: She's allergic to having a sucky social life.

Cameron: Give the parents a break; they're just trying to keep her healthy. Everything in here is labelled hypo-allergenic.

Chase: Check it anyway. [Cameron rolls her eyes and does a salute to his order] Cameron. [he opens a window next to the bed. A tree branch is growing exceptionally close to the window]

Cameron: This place is cleaner than her hospital room. [she walks to where Chase is next to the window]

Chase: No alarm on this window.

Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop.

Chase: You can get to the tree from here, there's some bark scraped off.

Cameron: Sure, a heart transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and cheetah by the elephant graveyard.

Chase: Or, Jane stayed in the tree house, Tarzan came up.

(Scene cuts to Chase and Cameron privately confronting Dan)

Dan: Ok, erm... I spent most of the night, Friday, but if her mom finds out about that, she will totally freak.

Chase: You guys had sex?

Dan: Yeah but... you know, I did everything I could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.

Chase: [turns to Cameron] Latex allergy?

Dan: What do you mean, like a condom? We didn't...

Cameron: You had unsafe sex? The whole unsafe thing didn't tell you something?

Dan: Yeah... but we didn't like... we didn't... plan on it, you know... just... I don't know, we're in love. We've been dating for 2 years.

Cameron: Practically a lifetime. [to Chase] How about a semen allergy?

Chase: We're going to need a semen sample. [he hands Dan a cup] You can use the bathroom over there.

Dan: Right, uh... how do I...

Cameron: Aim and shoot. [Dan reluctantly walks off]

Chase: No thinking about Dr Cameron, we'll know.

Cameron: [sighs] We should tell her parents.

Chase: Why stop there, call the cops.

Cameron: Melinda's a minor.

Chase: And if we nip it in the bud here, teenagers will never again have sex. The parents will find out when they get the bill anyway.

Cameron: Oh, so you're fine with them finding out as long as you don't have to tell them personally?

Chase: Pretty much.

Cameron: [sighs again and checks her watch] Too bad it's not you giving the sample. We'd be done by now.

[Chase looks at her in a dumbfounded fashion]

(Cut to Cameron talking to House while walking down to the clinic)

Cameron: Test was negative. No semen allergy.

House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis, I don't buy that it's unrelated.

Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.

House: What's that mean?

Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example.

House: Oh snap! What did he do to protect her, brillo-pad his privates?

Cameron: I assume he washed and he...

House: Oh good work, assumptions are so much faster than actual questions.

(Scene cuts to House opening the door into Melinda's clean room)

House: [points with his cane] You the boyfriend? Need to borrow you.

Barbara: What is going on?

House: Don't worry. I'll return him in roughly the same condition.

(Scene cuts to our favourite patient's room - the coma patient!)

House: Did you take anything to stay healthy? Something stronger than an apple a day?

Dan: [points worriedly to the coma patient] Is he ok?

House: He's just tired. From being in a coma so long. What'd you take? Don't worry, he can keep a secret. [Dan keeps staring at the coma patient; House grabs his face and turns him to look at House] Antibiotics? Penicillin? Any of those names ring a bell?

Dan: Yeah, uh... my friend Elliot, his dad had like a whole bottle that he hadn't finished so I swiped it and took a bunch for like a week. There's no way I was going to risk breathing germs on Melinda.

House: This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. [Dan looks confused] She's allergic to penicillin.

Dan: [in shock] What do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!

House: Think lower, and more fun.

Dan: [looks down] I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?

House: Totally, dude! There's this administrator here, whenever she gets sick she just gives me the prescription.

Dan: But you know they tested Melinda, they said she wasn't allergic to my stuff.

House: Yeah, 4 days later. By that time the penicillin was crusting up a sock in the bottom of your hamper.

Dan: Do you have to tell her it was my fault?

House: No. Great part of being a grown-up, you never have to do anything.

[Dan does a facepalm and almost rests back against the bed when he does a double take as he realises it's the coma patient he's resting against]

(Scene cuts to Cameron talking to Barbara outside Melinda's room)

Barbara: You're releasing her? What happened? What did you find out?

Cameron: The test on your house ruled out any environmental allergens.

Barbara: Yeah, but what caused this?

Cameron: We believe it's highly unlikely that this set of circumstances will repeat itself.

Barbara: What set of circumstances?

Cameron: It's good news. She's healthy, but you might want to talk--

[She is disturbed by the beeping of alarms in the room]

Foreman: Cameron!

[She rushes in]

Melinda: I can't breathe!

Cameron: Getting the epi.

Foreman: [listening with a stethoscope] No murmurs, no friction, no obstruction--

Lewis: Give her the shot!

Barbara: What are you waiting for?

[Cameron and Foreman lift her to sit up as he listens to the back of her lungs. She starts coughing up white foamy stuff]

Cameron: She's coughing up white sputum.

Foreman: Crackling two thirds of the way up.

[They lay her back down, a vein in Melinda's neck is clearly sticking out]

Cameron: Look at her neck.

Barbara: She is vomiting, could you give her the shot?!

Cameron: It's not an allergy, it's her heart.

(Scene cuts to House and Ducklings in the conference room)

House: What's the good news, what's the bad news? [he's writing on the whiteboard]

Chase: Congestive heart failure.

House: Is which?

Chase: Good news.

House: Why?

Chase: I don't know, it just sounded like you.

House: New puzzle piece, always good news. What's the bad news?

Foreman: We've got 2 puzzle pieces from 2 different puzzles.

House: [sighs] Seems that way.

Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis. Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.

House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?

Foreman: What if there really are two puzzles?

Cameron: You think she had 2 unrelated rare conditions in one week?

Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.

House: What do you mean 'we'? I did! Guess I thought I did, maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.

Foreman: And heart problems aren't so rare for someone who's had a heart transplant. I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis--

House: It is tempting!

Foreman: [he snatches the whiteboard marker from House and starts writing] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.

House: [snatches the marker back] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the WHITEboard. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together?

[Silence from the Ducklings]

Foreman: Ok, we can all stare at each other or we can investigate what caused the heart failure. Just the heart failure. You wanna give me that BLACK marker?

[House hands the marker over and goes to sit down]

Cameron: There's no fever, so it's probably not infection.

Chase: Or no fever because she's been on immuno-suppressants for about 6 months.

Foreman: Let's do a CT, get a heart biopsy... [scene fades out]

(Cut to Melinda in the MRI machine)

Cameron: Anything?

Foreman: Not yet. So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen suicide rate isn't high enough for you already?

Cameron: I just think those two are brats. Girl undercuts her mother any chance she gets.

Foreman: Yeah it's the daughter's fault, has nothing to do with mom infantilising her.

Cameron: Good point. Explains why parents who don't pay attention get such nice well-adjusted children.

Foreman: What's this? [looks at the scan of the heart on the screen]

Cameron: Think its vegetation?

Foreman: Yeah, the kind made of muscle that opens your heart valves. It's nothing. She's clean.

[Melinda is out of the MRI and sits up on the little bed]

Foreman: It's good news. You don't show any signs of coronary artery disease.

Melinda: So what's next?

Foreman: Well, blood work to rule out infection, and then a heart surgical biopsy to rule out rejection.

Melinda: But you don't think you're going to rule out both things, do you?

Foreman: No.

Melinda: I'm going to lose this heart, right?

Foreman: Hopefully we'll find the problem and fix it. You'll keep your heart a long time.

Melinda: How long?

Foreman: There could be drug breakthroughs that allow you to keep it for decades more.

Melinda: Yeah. That's the answer my cardiologist always gives me. I looked it up on the web. It's like... 5 or 10 years, right?

Foreman: [looks uncomfortable] That's about the average.

Melinda: That's why I need to have a life. Why can't you convince my mom to let me go back to school?

Foreman: Melinda, you've got bigger worries right now than missing school. Until we figure out what's wrong with your heart, the safest place for you to be is right here.

(Scene cuts to Wilson walking up the door of the building to House's apartment. He's carrying his briefcase and takes out his keys)

[He unlocks the front door but spots a stethoscope hanging over the doorknob of the door to House's apartment. He sighs as he realises what this means and we see a montage over the song 'Pain in My Heart' by Otis Redding. We see a progression of scenes where Wilson sits at the steps in front of the building, waiting for House. House's motorbike is noticeably parked right next to the steps. We also see scenes of Melinda's heart biopsy going on. Back to Wilson, he settles down to the lines "where can my baby be" in front of the door, lying back against the wall reading a magazine, and then falls asleep. The sky turns from bright daylight to dark night before House finally steps out of his apartment in his rumpled shirt, pokes Wilson with his cane and gestures for Wilson to get in to the lyrics "come back, come back baby"]

Wilson: [closes the door] Where is... [House raises his eyebrow] the hooker, I assume?

House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy. [he turns on a light and slips on to the couch]

Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.

House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson suddenly flinches away, extreme exasperation and a touch of horror to his expression] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?

Wilson: No. I was waiting out there, for hours!

House: Now I need a lot of foreplay, and then there's the cuddling afterwards. [Wilson looks fed up and throws his briefcase on to the floor] Any way that anaphylaxis isn't anaphylaxis even if it responds to epi?

Wilson: No. Well no wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey journal of Cardiology. [he picks up the magazine on the table]

House: Have you seen the centre fold? There's no WAY those valves are real! Any chance that the heart failure could be unrelated to--

Wilson: No. If you need time alone to work, you just have to say so. You don't have to lie about it.

House: Lying's more fun.

Wilson: Being lied to, not as much fun.

House: Please have an answer to this question: what's for dinner? [he opens a package of some snack while Wilson walks into the kitchen]

Wilson: You STILL haven't done the dishes?!

House: You want one of these? I think I got a couple of blueberries... ohh... nope, sorry [he eats it] just one. [Wilson stands at the kitchen doorway and watches House while squeezing the bridge of his nose] Well don't look all weepy. If you've got a problem with me, deal with it! Short my sheets or something.

[Wilson puts up his hands in a gesture of surrender, turns on the kitchen lights, and proceeds to wash the dishes. House rolls his eyes]

(Scene cuts to hospital the next day, Foreman talks to the parents)

Foreman: Biopsy was negative for rejection.

Lewis: Thank god.

Barbara: And what about the blood tests?

Foreman: Showed no infection.

Barbara: So we still don't know what caused her heart failure.

Lewis: Let's just be happy she doesn't need a new heart.

Foreman: Mrs Bardach, it could have just been a one-time thing.

Barbara: So she has an allergic reaction and heart failure, and neither of them can be explained. [Foreman shrugs]

Lewis: Are they doing anymore tests on her? [checks in Melinda's room]

Foreman: No.

Lewis: She's not here.

(Cut to Cuddy talking into a telephone)

Cuddy: Notify local hospitals, cab companies, the state troopers and local cops. Any security officers off duty are back on duty.

Voice replies: We're on it.

Cuddy: [turns to the parents] I'm going to need some pictures. And go through those drawers. [Foreman does so, Cuddy gets back on the telephone] And I want at least 2 people going over the surveillance tapes.

Barbara: [hands a picture of Cuddy] Will that work?

Cuddy: [looks at what Foreman took out] Are those all her clothes?

Barbara: Uhh... yeah.

Cuddy: She's obviously still in the building. So where did she go, what does she want?

Foreman: To see her boyfriend?

Cuddy: She didn't take her phone.

Foreman: [suddenly realises] She wants to be outside. [he runs to the staircases and up to the roof]

[Just at the stairs that lead to the door of the roof, Melinda is sitting dejectedly. Foreman slowly approaches her]

Foreman: If you’re trying to scare your parents, great job. Can we go back now?

Melinda: [softly] I hate her.

Foreman: [sits down near Melinda] When I was 8-yrs-old, I was sick. Well not really sick, but the point is my mom she could--

Melinda: She was like this before. Home by nine every night, can't go out on the weekends, can't do sports, transplant just gave her what she always wanted.

Foreman: Melinda, you had heart failure. This is kind of an insane time to be criticising your mom about being overprotective.

Melinda: I know. I mean this is what makes it even worse, all of her craziness is... it just... makes sense now.

Foreman: Everything is going to be alright.

Melinda: I didn't even try to get outside. I was too scared.

Foreman: Come on. [he helps her stand up and lets her walk on down ahead of him. He watches for a moment] Woah woah, Melinda, please walk back towards me.

Melinda: Why?

Foreman: Please?

Melinda: [walks back, her left foot is dropped] It feels kind of weird.

(Scene cuts back to Melinda sitting on her bed, Foreman examines her foot)

Foreman: It's called steppage gait.

Lewis: Is it serious?

Foreman: Not necessarily. [to Melinda] Now stick your leg out, hold it up.

Barbara: She was under anesthesia for the biopsy, if she lost oxygen...

Foreman: CT ruled out brain damage. Put your leg down. Relax.

[As he lets her leg down, a muscle in her thigh starts spasming]

Barbara: Why is her leg twitching like that?

Foreman: Fasciculation.

Lewis: Is that serious?

Foreman: It's paralysis. And it's ascending.

Barbara: She's going to lose the use of her legs?

Foreman: To start with. [Melinda looks horrified]

(Scene cuts to House and Ducklings again in the conference room)

Foreman: It's ascending fast; she can hardly extend her leg now.

Cameron: At this rate it'll be up to her lungs in a matter of days.

House: So... anaphylaxis, heart failure and paralysis. We couldn't put the first two together; I'm guessing we can't put all three together.

Cameron: Tick paralysis? Could also explain the anaphylaxis, maybe even the--

Foreman: Penicillin allergy explains the allergic reaction much better.

Chase: Particularly because tick paralysis is usually accompanied by a tick. We did two comprehensive physicals looking for insect bites.

House: Can we put any two of those together?

Foreman: How about we stipulate? You argue that there must be something to connect all 3 symptoms, you mocked us for not figuring it out and finally you let us discuss the paralysis on its own because it's what's gonna to kill her. Now it's ascending, MRI's are clean so rule out stroke or aneurysm.

Cameron: ALS? MS?

Foreman: Progression's too quick.

Chase: Spinal lesion from leukaemia?

Foreman: Too slow. It's most likely Guillain-Barre.

Chase: She's immuno-suppressed. What about botulism?

Foreman: Not unless she's been walking around on her hands the last couple of days. Botulism paralysis is descending, not ascending.

Cameron: Could be a virus. West Nile, even Polio with her immune system shot.

House: Get an LP. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an EMG to check for Guillain-Barre. Foreman's right, we've got to find out why she's paralysed. [the Ducklings stare] But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds. [Ducklings make their exit]

(Scene cuts to Chase doing an LP on Melinda, Foreman does voice over, various scenes of Ducklings doing tests on Melinda)

Foreman: We ran more tests on your daughter. We took a lumbar puncture; got some spinal fluid and we brought it to the lab to look for infections that could be affecting her brain. We also did an EMG to check how her muscles and nerves are responding to electrical impulses. Unfortunately, her muscles are showing increased weakness above the knee.

Barbara: You mean she's getting worse?

[scene now cuts to Foreman talking to the parents]

Foreman: The LP and PCRs ruled out Polio and West Nile. We think its Guillain-Barre. Her body's immune response goes haywire, starts attacking the peripheral nerves. It causes muscle weakness and paralysis.

Lewis: How bad is it?

Foreman: It's serious, but Guillain-Barre usually responds very well to plasmapheresis.

[Scene cuts to Melinda on the bed, machines next to the bed are performing plasmapheresis, CGI comes up to visually explain what Foreman is saying]

Foreman: You see the plasma, the clear liquid part of her blood, contains most of the antibodies which are overreacting and attacking her nervous system. The machine spins her blood in a centrifuge and separates parts of the blood based on weight. White blood cells are the heaviest, then the red cells, then platelets and plasma. We discard the stuff that's causing all the trouble and return the good blood cells back to her body in a replacement fluid. If it works, we'll see results in a couple of days.

(Scene cuts to House's apartment, House walks in with his biker jacket. Wilson is standing waiting for him, arms crossed over his chest)

Wilson: You didn't get any messages for me last week, did you?

House: Nope.

Wilson: That's funny, guy finally called back. Place I lost? Said he left 3 voicemails.

House: Gotta pee.

Wilson: Which I never got. If that wasn't clear.

House: He must be lying. [he hobbles towards the toilet, Wilson follows] You wouldn't want to live with a liar.

Wilson: You erased my messages?

House: Yup! Decided I wanted you to stay. Told you that didn't I? [he continues talking to Wilson while he pees]

Wilson: You're... miserable, and you're lonely, and you're going to trap me here to keep me every bit as miserable and lonely too [emo moment!]

House: Yeah, and you're happy happy happy.

Wilson: Ok, hey, I'm obviously going through a rough patch here. Your wife leaves, tends to bum somebody out.

House: [flushes the toilet, hobbles to the sink to wash his hands] Do you know where my pee went?

Wilson: You're missing some?

House: Nope, came out of me and went right into the toilet. Now why would that be?

Wilson: You're William Tell, you could pick an apple off someone's head?

House: No, it's because there was no clear plastic wrap over the toilet. The stuff's in the kitchen, you have plenty of time. All that was missing was the WILL.

Wilson: This isn't a college dorm!

House: It could be.

Wilson: We're not 18!

House: So what? What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.

Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?

House: No... just makes me smile.

Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.

House: [takes a beer and pops off the lid] Right, but not tonight.

Wilson: Well I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep I wouldn't want to deprive you of that last smile.

House: You're not going anywhere. You're going to sit on my couch, and depress us both because you just can't admit that it's over with your wife.

Wilson: That's right, I'm here on vacation.

House: Have you gotten a lawyer yet?

Wilson: That's... that's... not...

House: You even called one? As long as you're here, it's just a fight. As soon as you get a place, then it's a divorce. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about. [Wilson suddenly realises House's intentions all along, yay!]

(Scene cuts to Foreman testing Melinda)

Foreman: Reflexes are marginally weaker.

Barbara: Her paralysis is getting worse?

Foreman: Sometimes it takes a few treatments for the plasmapheresis to work.

Melinda: [snuggles up in her blankets] Why do these things keep happening to me? [Barbara helps to cover Melinda with the blanket]

Lewis: Dan's back.

Barbara: Baby did you hear that? Dan's here.

Melinda: I don't want to see him.

[Foreman and the parents look confused]

Barbara: I'll tell him to come back later.

Melinda: No! Mommy, stay here, please.

Barbara: Of course.

[Foreman steps outside next to Dan; he shakes his head, Dan nods and walks away. Melinda has gone to sleep, Barbara walks out to talk to Foreman]

Foreman: She ok?

Barbara: Just sleeping.

Foreman: I'm sure she's exhausted. Mood swings are common with the anti-rejection meds.

Barbara: No, she's had mood swings. This isn't it; this is... she's given up. I know you think I'm... this isn't what I wanted. She's always fought with me, ever since she was a baby she was so damn stubborn. But I never wanted her like this. I just wanted her safe.

[Alarms start beeping in the room]

Lewis: Doctor. Doctor!

[Foreman rushes in, Melinda is sitting up, struggling to breathe]

Lewis: She can't breathe, she couldn't even get a whole sentence out.

[Foreman uses his stethoscope to check Melinda's lungs]

Foreman: She's losing accessory muscles.

Chase: [running in] O2 stat's down to 90, lungs clear? [to Melinda] Does your tongue feel swollen?

Foreman: No hives.

Chase: It's not an allergy.

Foreman: Her lips are cyanotic, we've got to intubate.

Barbara: What are you doing?

[they lower her bed down]

Chase: Pushing lorazepam.

Foreman: She's not getting enough oxygen, we've got to assist her breathing.

[they proceed to intubate her]

Barbara: What was that? Was that a reaction to the treatment?

Foreman: It's the paralysis. It's reached her lungs.

(Scene cuts to Ducklings calling House)

Chase: Melinda's dying.

House: [in his PJs] We're all dying. How fast?

Foreman: Too fast for Guillain-Barre.

Chase: Cuddy wants to get her an MRI to rule out a spinal lesion.

House: [hobbling across his kitchen with a pot filled with water] Cuddy? What's she doing on this?

Foreman: The family lost confidence in us.

House: I don't blame them. I'll be right in. [he puts down the phone and puts the pot of water next to the couch, then proceeds to lift one of Wilson's hands and dips it into the pot of water]

(Scene cuts to Ducklings and House in the hospital next morning)

Foreman: It's like she got poisoned with a nerve agent.

Cameron: Glue inhalation. Would explain why she hasn't admitted it.

Foreman: Tox screen was clear for pot. Middle class heart transplant patient's going to huff glue?

Chase: Pesticides?

Cameron: This time of the year they're not spraying.

House: This girl's tough. She gets what she wants. She's deprived of human contact; she gets herself a back door man. Or in her case, a side window boy. What else has she been deprived of?

Cameron: She's on a special diet because of her allergies.

House: The boyfriend brings the hot beef, he also brings a side dish. Botulism.

Foreman: This paralysis is ascending, remember?

House: Not if the heart problem was really a paralytic problem.

Cameron: Why would she admit the sex and not the food?

Chase: She didn't admit anything. He admitted the sex and we didn't ask him about food.

House: Get me a rat.

Cameron: You have a rat.

House: What? We're not going to kill Steve! Only way to confirm this, we inject a rat with her blood, and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime I'm going downstairs to browbeat the scared dying teenage girl until she... breaks down like a scared dying teenage girl.

(Scene cuts to House barging into the MRI room where Melinda, the parents, Cuddy... and Wilson await)

House: [to Wilson] You're up early.

Wilson: Cuddy needed a consult.

Cuddy: We're checking for spinal lesions from leukaemia.

House: Yeah, I know. Fits perfectly. Unless this is the patient with the anaphylaxis, the heart failure, and the paralysis. In which case you're wasting your time.

Barbara: We wanted a second opinion.

House: Second? We've given you at least 8. Ok, well then here is 9. [he extubates Melinda] Botulism. Listen to me, have you eaten anything abnormal? Any canned foods?

Melinda: No.

House: You sure? Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is an impending death exception. [he takes the bag and puts it over her mouth then pumps it to help her breathe]

Lewis: Don't talk to her like that!

House: You're right, she never lies. I was being rude. When your boyfriend snuck in on Friday night [turns around to the parents] - surprise! - perhaps he got you some sexy little treats, huh? Some honey or some edible underwears, massage oils, come on, anything.

Melinda: [gasping for breath] We didn't--

House: Yeah, we know about the sex. [Melinda's eyes widen in shock] Turns out that Danny's little Danny is full of penicillin and that's what caused your anaphylactic shock.

Barbara: What? You didn't tell us that!

Melinda: No! It was clindamycin, what I use.

House: [shocked] He said he was on penicillin.

Melinda: [shakes her head] I saw the bottle.

Foreman: It's a non-penicillin antibiotic.

House: If the antibiotics didn't cause the anaphylaxis...

Foreman: It's still on the table.

House: Everything's connected.

Foreman: What did we discuss? What was the differential?

House: Cameron said... [House and Foreman share a look, Foreman takes over pumping the bag to help Melinda breathe] When Dan came to your house that night, did he go through any tall grass?

Melinda: Climbed a fence.

[House snags Barbara's handbag and empties it. He picks out a comb]

Barbara: What are you doing?

House: Your daughter had 2 visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans, which wouldn't be a problem but being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants.

Foreman: We already checked her.

House: Now I'm checking her.

Wilson: Tick bites don't ordinarily cause anaphylactic shock.

House: This girl's allergies are not ordinary.

Cuddy: House, get out of here, we have to re-intubate her, and get her into the MRI.

House: Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes 4 days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis.

Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.

House: They are until you find them! [he triumphantly holds up the comb...] oh no, that's dandruff. Okay well that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be even better.

[Melinda starts to go into distress, alarms start beeping]

Lewis: What's happening?

House: That's the tick venom ascending.

Cuddy: Either that or you stressed her into heart failure. BP's dropping. Heart rate 47.

Foreman: I'm administering atropine.

Cuddy: She's going to need a trans-venous pacing wire. Ok, magical tick hunt is over! [she pulls House away] Only real doctor stuff now.

House: She's just going to get worse. Ticks produce more toxins the longer they feed. She's going to be dead in an hour, even if you pump her heart full of jet fuel. Unless you let me find the tick.

Barbara: Could he be right?

Cuddy: The only thing I know for sure is that your daughter's heart won't last another 20 minutes without treatment.

House: Okay, just need one final instruction, when I find the tick on the autopsy, do you want to know? I'm thinking not, probably will make coping easier.

Cuddy: Stop talking to them! [to a nurse] Page Borsisky in Cardiology and get her team down here, stat. [to another nurse] Get them out of here, get House out of here too. Dr Wilson, I could use your help.

[House and the parents get herded out]

Wilson: Well I don't know if the dopamine's enough. She may need an inamrinone lactate. [he says that just before House gets out the door so House can hear]

Barbara: Why? What's that?

Cuddy: She doesn't--

Wilson: She might need stronger pressers and they don't have any in radiology.

Cuddy: Inamrinone can cause arrhythmia and thrombocytopenia.

Wilson: Not inamrinone could cause death. Death's worse. We have to get her up to the ICU.

(Scene cuts to Cuddy, Foreman and nurses wheeling Melinda's bed to the elevators)

[House pushes the lift doors open with his cane and stands in the doorway while helping to pull Melinda's bed in. The cane in the doorway blocks Cuddy from getting in, Foreman ducks under it and into the lift]

House: Sorry, a little crowded in here.

Cuddy: House, get out of the elevator.

House: You're welcome to wait for the next one. [he takes back his cane and the doors start to close]

Cuddy: You got her?

Foreman: Got her.

[Wilson and House share a knowing look before the doors close. House pulls the emergency stop button, and looks innocent as Foreman glares at him accusingly]

House: Well as long as we're stuck here, this might be a good time to look for that tick.

Foreman: Turn the elevator back on.

House: Just be a minute, honey.

[Foreman tries to walk to the buttons to release the elevator but House pushes him back with his cane. While they're struggling, alarms start beeping and Melinda's going into distress again]

Foreman: Atropine's wearing off.

House: Inject her again.

Foreman: That's just temporary.

House: Temporary's fine, we're not hanging wallpaper.

Foreman: We've got to get her upstairs and put her on norepiniphrine.

House: It wasn't penicillin. You still think the symptoms are unconnected?

Foreman: We've got to take care of her heart-- [he takes the bag and starts pumping to aid her breathing again]

House: [shouting] You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water's boiling. Which problem do you deal with first?

Foreman: House!

House: None of them! The building's on fire! We treat her symptoms, she dies, we find the cause, she lives. That tick is an IV drip of poison, we unhook it, she'll be fine.

Foreman: [gives up after a few seconds] This is my last atropine. Buys us about 3 minutes.

House: Let’s get her gown up.

[Foreman injects the atropine and House starts his search. Melinda is revived]

Foreman: Her heart rate falls below 35; we're getting her to the ICU. Not going to let her die in this elevator.

(Scene cuts to...)

[Meanwhile, on the ICU floor, the parents, Cuddy and Wilson arrive only to find Melinda hasn't arrived yet]

Lewis: Where are they?

Cuddy: [to the nurses] Get maintenance up here right away.

[Cut back to House and Foreman]

Foreman: Ear canal's clean.

House: Left foot's clean.

Foreman: If it's not here, we've only got... heart rate's 46.

House: It's here. Looks like a mole or a freckle, something we missed. Check the armpits.

[Back to Cuddy]

Cuddy: Dr Foreman's an excellent doctor; he'll be able to handle it.

Lewis: Yeah? You know that from experience? You lose a lot of patient's on elevators?

Barbara: The maintenance guy said that it didn't just stop on its own, that they hit the emergency stop button.

Cuddy: [shares a look with Wilson] I'm sure he must be mistaken. [Wilson nods thoughtfully]

[Back to House and Foreman]

[House is fine-combing through her hair, Foreman's just panicking]

House: Perinuem.

Foreman: We checked it. If we get her upstairs--

House: Maxilla.

Foreman: Checked. [checks her heart rate] Down to 38. We don't have a lot of time, we've got to--

House: Eyebrows, eardrums, pubic hair.

Foreman: Checked, checked, checked. We checked everywhere. It's not-- [alarms start beeping, her heart rate has gone below 35] 35, we've got to get her to the ICU.

House: We haven't found the tick yet.

Foreman: We already kidnapped her, you want to add murder!? We've looked over every inch of skin on her body, House. It's over. [he releases the emergency stop button]

[House is still deep in thought. He turns Melinda on to her back and shakes her]

House: Hey, is that the first time you had sex? [she faints] With all the other stuff going on down there she might not have realised... [he starts checking her vagina for the tick]

Foreman: Oh!

[The elevator dings, the doors open to the parents, Cuddy and Wilson who are now watching Foreman pumping the bag and House between Melinda's legs. It's not looking good. House looks up for a second, then looks back down. The father is enraged]

Lewis: You sick, miserable-- [he rushes into the elevator, quickly followed by Wilson trying to stop him]

Cuddy: What are you doing?!

Barbara: Oh my god!

Wilson: Wait!

[The father pushes House back up against the back of the elevator, Wilson is trying to pull the guy away but House has something in his hand]

House: See? I told you it'd be even more dramatic. [He's holding a tick... and its legs are still wriggling]

[Everyone is silent and shocked and stares at House for a few seconds]

House: Push norepiniphrine, get her heart back to normal. She'll be completely cured by tomorrow.

[Barbara smiles]

Cuddy: Foreman, let's get her into the ICU. [They wheel Melinda away followed by the parents. House hobbles out of the elevator, grabs his cane still on the bed, then lets them take her away to the ICU. He drops the tick into someone's cup and starts taking off his gloves as Wilson drops in beside him]

House: Inamrinone was a stupid idea. Unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.

Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that.

House: Wouldn't respect you if you did.

[And suddenly as they're walking side-by-side down the corridor, House's cane breaks in half and he falls dramatically down on to the floor. Wilson walks on without blinking an eye. House lands on the floor, completely in shock. Wilson turns around to look, as does everybody else in the vicinity]

Wilson: Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.

[Wilson walks away without even breaking a smile. House takes a moment before he suddenly smiles in amusement and grabs the two halves of his cane and sits up]

(Scene cuts to Foreman testing Melinda the next day, she looks fine)

Foreman: Reflexes back to normal. Heart's looking good too. I'll send in the nurse, we'll get you transferred out of ICU and you'll be discharged in the morning.

Melinda: Thank god, I just want to get home.

Barbara: And back to school on Monday.

Melinda: I'm not ready.

Barbara: You're ready.

Melinda: I'm sick, mom.

Barbara: You're not sick. You're going to go to class. And you're going to see your friends, and your boyfriend. [she kisses Melinda on the forehead. Foreman smiles]

(Scene cuts to Wilson watching TV alone on House's couch at night, his leg up on the coffee table)

[House arrives home. He puts his helmet on a chair and walks around to Wilson's side of the couch (instead of just walking in from the other side) where he taps Wilson's legs with his cane (which has been taped up where it broke). Wilson sits up and puts his legs down so that House can walk past to sit at the centre of the couch. They both put their legs back up on the coffee table, completely in sync - an absolutely CUTE scene - and continue to watch the TV. They have the following conversation without glancing at each other even once]

Wilson: I called a divorce lawyer today.

House: Does that mean you're leaving?

Wilson: At some point. [big pause] You might not want to sit exactly there.

[House suddenly realises what he might have done that he shouldn't be sitting there. He glances over at Wilson, then takes the pillow Wilson uses and puts that under his arse instead. The boys continue to watch the TV companionably]

END

Tags: season 2
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