Written by: Sarah Hess
Directed by: Fred Gerber
Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)
Betaed by: Ally (allybally123)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Scene opens on bike race]
Announcer: As the riders begin lap 2, Jeff Forster is leading the pack.
[A car parks, two boys jump out]
Kid 1: This is so cool!
Kid 2: Did we miss anything?
Kid 1: They've got like 11 laps to go
Kid 2: We've got to find a good place where he can see the sign as he goes by
Mom: Wait up kids!
[Kid 1 checks a map at a booth]
Kid 1: Turn 6! Come on!
[Kid 2 looks like he has some difficulty breathing as he runs to catch up]
Kid 1: That's it! Up there!
Kid 2: Can you see anything? [Wheezes]
Mom: Did you bring his inhaler?
Dad: Oh crap, it’s in the car. I'll go get it.
[Mom runs to catch up with the kids who are at the sidelines]
Mom: Are you ok? Your dad's going to be right--
Kid 2: I can see him, he's right up front!
Mom: Honey, you're wheezing!
Kid 2: Here they come! [Holds up sign saying "Go #1 Jeff"]
Kid 1: Go Jeff! Yeah! [As Jeff cycles by]
Kid 2: You're number one!
[Jeff looks like he has difficulty breathing too]
Kid 1: He doesn't look so good.
[Dad brings Kid 2 his inhaler; everyone is staring at Jeff as he falls off his bike causing a huge crash bringing down other cyclists]
[House yawns and uses his cane to tip over a CD which continues tipping over other various items across his desk until his bottle of Vicodin drops into his hand - VERY cool]
[Stacy barges in wearing a '70's headband]
Stacy: We need to talk.
House: Oh god. Are you pregnant? ‘Cause I really want to finish high school
Stacy: You have to renew your credentials!
House: They're good for two more months
Stacy: Three weeks. The paperwork takes forever. Your application, your malpractice insurance, criminal records check - you know that’s going to take some explaining
House: You know; our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why'd we stop doing that? Did you get married?
Stacy: Yeah! Otherwise I'd be on you like red on rice
House: Rice isn’t r— Oh I get it!
Stacy: You're also behind on your dictations
House: I don't do dictations. Cameron does them, or somebody.
Stacy: You can't have your sole female employee doing your clerical work which you'd know if you'd attended the required sexual harassment seminars. Then I'm going to pause so you can make a crack about harassment.
[Cuddy walks in]
House: Joke killer
Cuddy: House, got a patient
House: [sighs] Sorry, can't play anymore, my mom's calling me [walks out of his office]
Cuddy: We just admitted a world class cyclist
House: You’ve got to fire Stacy
Cuddy: Yeah I'll get right on that [deadpan]. Jeff Forster, respiratory arrest at 30 miles per hour.
House: She's loading me up with pointless paperwork
Cuddy: Didn't know you were behind on your pointless paperwork. O2 stats are in the--
House: She's hostile. You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. She's going to stand over my desk with a ruler checking my spelling!
Cuddy: ER checked for lung infiltrates, nothing there
House: Professional athletes, Cuddy! It's like watching an old movie at 2am, re-living all the classic moments. Part where he denies it's drugs, part where the good guys ride in, tests a-blazing, prove that it IS drugs. Oscar clip, he can't imagine how that got into his body! So familiar, so comforting. [Points back at his office where Stacy still is] She can't handle working with me
Cuddy: Oh right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
[The elevator door opens]
House: Anyway, thanks for getting me out of that meeting. [Starts to walk away]
Cuddy: He's not denying the drugs.
[House pauses and looks back]
Cuddy: I'm thinking he's actually sick.
(Cut to Jeff's room where Jeff is with a black lady - his manager)
Cuddy: Jeff Forster, this is Dr--
House: I'm a doctor, you're a sick person. [Looks at the manager] And you are a loved one
Manager: Actually, Manager. We've been together for seven years [sticks her hand out to shake House's. House looks away and ignores the gesture]
House: So what's the drug du jour on the bike circuit these days? Still erythropoietin? Or are you guys just chugging battery acid?
Jeff: [Wheezing as he speaks] There's no way I'd touch EPO. Too many guys stroking out and dying.
House: Damn! [Looks at Cuddy] Ten bucks for the tickets, six for the popcorn
Jeff: I do straight blood doping.
Cuddy: Plot twist!
House: That's a very daring confession
Manager: We've got confidentiality, right?
House: Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.
[Cuddy rolls her eyes]
House: So, injecting yourself with donor red blood cells for fun and profit. Any other tricks up your sleeve?
Jeff: Well, nothing much recently. I'm in town for a charity ride so it didn't matter if I won. The kids just needed to see me.
House: So you go slower they see you longer. Let's say that our health could be affected by things we did before last Friday.
Jeff: Well... umm, I usually sleep in a hyperbaric chamber. I've been pumping up electrolytes with an IV drip and herbal supplements, amphetamines, and diuretics
[House starts pouring a glass of water]
House: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but why would you be sick?
Jeff: I know that doping has risks, I know that it's outside the rules, but I do what I have to to kick ass at my job. Don't you?
[House takes a Vicodin]
Cuddy: Dr House is a firm believer in good old-fashioned hard work.
[House theatrically drinks some water and swallows his Vicodin as Cuddy says this]
[Cut to the Ducklings and House in the conference room]
[House is writing on the whiteboard]
House: This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom
Chase: Is the symptom death?
House: Respiratory distress. And insanity doesn't cause it, I looked it up.
Foreman: It's the doping. Injecting extra red cells boosts your endurance level, but it also thickens your blood. Thick blood equals clots equals respiratory distress
House: Not with a clean spiral chest CT
Cameron: Guy's sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber. Over-oxygenation can cause cell damage and if the cells in the lungs are damaged--
House: That'd cause pulmonary oedema which he doesn't have
Chase: Supplements he's been taking contain yojimbo which can cause nerve paralysis
House: Tox screen was normal. All the tests were normal. There's no clot, no oedema, and yet he still can't breathe, so there's something in here that we can't see.
Foreman: Oh! Air.
House: Come to papa!
Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony. Get a VQ scan, check his veins for bubbles.
[House gestures his cane and makes a noise like he's loading a rifle]
(Cut to Ducklings testing Jeff)
Foreman: Xenon 133, it's just radioactive enough for us to track the air movement through your lungs
Jeff: My accident on the news?
Foreman: Yeah, you made page of the week
Jeff: Few more hours and cycling would be as popular as NASCAR
Foreman: We inject similar stuff into your blood so we can watch it circulate. Now, if you accidentally injected a bubble, we'll see you get air flow, but poor blood flow.
Jeff: I'm careful man
Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself
[Cut to Cameron and Chase sitting together behind the glass]
Cameron: There's this kid in oncology, she's got a picture of Jeff above her bed.
Chase: Mickey Mantle was an alcoholic
Cameron: At least he hit his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself.
[Foreman joins them]
Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake--
Cameron: We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Chase: Really? Ever been to oh, I don't know, med school?
Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares? [Looks at Cameron] And you, you don't even like sports!
Cameron: He's making millions of dollars ripping off fans
Foreman: Anyone who thinks they should pay a guy money because he can throw a ball really far or pedal really fast deserves to be ripped off
Cameron: Yeah, stupid stupid kids
Foreman: I've got an uncle, he can spit a cherry pit 50 yards. He's working part time at a lube shop! Life isn't fair!
[The results of the test arrive on the screen in front of them, positive]
Cameron: Maybe it is.
(Cut to Chase following after House in the corridors)
Chase: You were right.
House: Now there were 3 wasted words.
Chase: There is a bubble in his lung. We should do a Swan-Ganz catheterisation.
House: I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.
[He opens the door into the cafeteria and leaves Chase behind. He walks along the queue to Wilson who is just paying for his lunch. House snatches a packet of Lay's crisps off Wilson's tray]
Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
[They walk to a table and sit down]
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every 2 weeks.
Wilson: How's your biker?
House: Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.
Wilson: The things people do. Doping, Vicodin... [Pointed look]
House: Hey! You're talking about me aren't you?
[Wilson gives a smile]
House: I'm just trying to function. He's trying to win himself some little yellow jerseys. [The cafeteria door opens to admit Stacy wheeling Mark in on a wheelchair] Uh oh.
House: [rubs his forehead] Trouble in paradise, 2 o' clock
Wilson: Your 2 o' clock or my 2 o' clock?
House: [points] there.
[Wilson turns his head around to look]
Wilson: She looks perfectly happy. Obviously they huddled in the hall and worked up this circus act on the off-chance you'd be in here
House: She was unbelievably pissy 3 hours ago
Wilson: Hmm! Pissy with you, happy with her husband. Yes there could only be one possible explanation
House: When she's angry, she gets sarcastic. When she's annoyed, she's funny, but when she's frustrated, she gets pissy
Wilson: Yes, yes, I'm with you so far
House: She's miserable with Mark because he's not me. So she's gotta make me not me, so she makes my professional life miserable, if I can't do my job--
Wilson: You really, really, need to get some--
House: Oh I get some "some" all the time, I always need to borrow "some" money
[Stacy wheels Mark pass the boys]
Stacy: Hi James, Greg. Gotten to that paperwork?
House: I've been pissy.
Stacy: Pardon me?
House: I've been busy. [Picks up Mark's fork and deliberately eats some of Mark's food off his plate] When you save someone's life, they owe you forever.
Mark: You're right. Take Stacy. Oh wait, she'd probably just leave you all over again.
[Stacy and Wilson share a look]
House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It's not the size of the muscle, it’s where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade. Excuse us [wheels Mark away to another table, but not before House and Mark give each other fake smiles]
House: [turns back to Wilson] How awkward was that? [Wilson gives him an annoyed but knowing look] What's he doing here anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays.
Wilson: Er, Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction but that would be stupid.
House: Hey! Your [stutters a little in exaggerated excitement] you again!
Wilson: Not going to make some joke about Mark being in therapy?
House: What's there to say? It’s only the responsible thing. I'm sure he's got a lot to deal with
Wilson: [looking rather thoughtful and suspicious] You're making me nervous
(Cut to Chase doing the Swan-Ganz catheterisation)
Manager: [on the phone] Everytime an athlete goes down you guys assume it's drugs. Look, the doctors say it's probably acid reflux. [Jeff and Chase share a look at her lie] Yeah, look, call me tomorrow, there's a good chance he'll be released. Okay, bye bye [to Chase] so is this fixing him?
Chase: If his acid reflux isn't worse than we thought, yeah
Jeff: I got to be in Spain in 4 days
Chase: Shouldn't be a problem
Chase: If I can just find the little bugger, should be able to suck it out
Jeff: My legs feel weak
Chase: You're under mild sedation for the test, it'll wear off [there's a blip on the screen] there it is
[CGI as Chase sucks out the air bubble and blood starts to circulate again]
Chase: Ah, got it.
Manager: Ooh, fantastic! I'll pack his things.
Chase: Not yet, I want to monitor him for a couple of hours, make sure he's ok. Give him time to sign a picture for me, maybe even a jersey?
Jeff: To Dr Chase, I owe you everything?
Chase: Er, it doesn't have to be that personal.
Jeff: Ah, not too many Ebay shoppers named Dr Chase huh?
Chase: Still trying to unload the Barbara Walter spit cup.
Manager: Here you go [hands Jeff a picture of Jeff winning a race and a pen. Jeff pauses as he starts to write on it]
Chase: Seriously, anything's fine.
[Jeff doesn't move, he starts to drool]
Chase: You all right? Jeff! Can you swallow?
(Cut to conference room)
House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
Chase: Muscle fatigue in his neck and jaw. He's obviously got something worse than an air embolus.
Chase: Because... you don't drool from your lungs?
[House seats himself between Foreman and Cameron]
House: Maybe the problem is not the embolus itself. Maybe it's the treatment. Maybe you hit a nerve, literally.
Chase: The embolectomy was clean. His legs were tired too. I thought it was from the sedation but if not, means he's got something systemic.
Cameron: Which means it would have nothing to do with the stunts he's been pulling
Chase: Lupus, or polymyocitis. It explains the progressive muscle weakness
Cameron: It could be ALS
Foreman: He's too young for that
Cameron: Some type of muscular dystrophy?
Foreman: He's too old for that
House: So what would be just right, Goldilocks? Full blood workup, including ANA for lupus. And get a muscle biopsy; find out if we're talking myopathy or neuropathy. I'm late for my session [gets up and walks out]
(Cut to group therapy session)
Dr Harper: [talking to the group] It's all a part of the process. You get angry, and then you get--
Mark: [interrupting] Yeah, right on schedule. So, when am I going to be done? I need to know 'cause I got plans to make. When can I safely book a game of squash? When am I going to stop being angry?
[House walks in]
House: Not today. I've come for the healing. Dr Harper, as you know, I err, I have a bum leg. What you don't know is, I'm upset about it. I need to talk.
Mark: You know House! You know we have a history!
House: You've been telling me for years that I should come by. Here I am. [to the group] Hi guys
Dr Harper: Got a Thursday group.
House: Poker night.
Dr Harper: Monday morning?
House: Book club. Well look, if it's a problem, I'll just go deal with my rage privately.
Dr Harper: Wait. If you two could resolve this tension, you could really help each other.
House: [nods thoughtfully] I'm tired of fighting.
Mark: [laughs] What? So either I say yes or I'm the jerk?
House: Oh god, I know that feeling.
(Cut to Ducklings performing tests)
Cameron: I took the muscle specimen from Jeff's thigh. Figured that's where we'd have the best chance of finding something.
Chase: The most painful place to cut into.
[Cameron drinks from a mug and shrugs]
Chase: I assume that's caffeine-free. Wouldn't want to be artificially boosting your performance.
Foreman: Oh, don't start her up again.
Cameron: Caffeine's legal.
Chase: All about the rules, eh?
Cameron: It's a bike race. A completely arbitrary set of rules that everyone complies with, for no other reason than that some committee says that they should.
Cameron: But that's the point. That's what the game is.
Foreman: So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell, but if you break a rule that actually has a reason that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you.
Cameron: House doesn't pretend to be some golden boy, he does it to help people, not to glorify himself.
Foreman: So why don't you report Jeff to the biking authorities?
Cameron: Umm, ethics.
Foreman: Well you wouldn't be doing it to glorify yourself, you'd just be trying to make a better world.
[Foreman and Chase snicker]
(Cut to the group therapy session)
Mark: At least you can still get around on your own.
House: Yeah I know, but you're starting to walk. You're going to get better.
Mark: You have a job, a way to be productive.
House: You have a wife, which gives greater meaning. Wife could make things harder too I suppose.
Mark: This isn't about Stacy.
House: When it happened to me, Stacy was great. She kept telling me not to rush it. I never believed her.
Mark: She means it.
House: I know, but... Stacy... She shouldn't have to wait, right? And you know she feels it too. Needs more time at work, needs more satisfaction from work. She didn't get married to be a nursemaid. She wants a man.
Mark: [laughs softly as he finally realises what House is up to] How the hell could she have loved a manipulative son of a bitch like you?
House: That's an interesting question. Maybe she was attracted to different things in the two of us.
Mark: She left you.
House: But why was she with me to begin with?
Mark: She made a mistake!
House: Maybe it's that simple. Or maybe she saw something in me, something that she doesn't get from you.
Mark: I'm not an ass!
House: Maybe she wanted an ass. She obviously did once.
Mark: Either he goes, or I go!
House: You think that's the kind of thing you can just turn off?
Mark: Get him out of here!
Dr Harper: Dr House, cancel your book group. You're coming on Mondays.
(Cut to House walking back into the conference room)
House: Here's my new theory. The drooling is another competitive edge. Nobody can drive behind him, the road gets slick, he's the only one not racing in the rain!
Foreman: He can barely move his arms or legs.
House: [sighs] Paralysis?
Foreman: No, just general weakness.
Cameron: Muscle biopsy is negative for polymyositis.
Chase: And ALS. And muscular dystrophy.
Foreman: ANA for lupus also negative.
[House begins to walk away into his office]
Cameron: Maybe his bike shorts are just on too tight.
Chase: So, by your rationale, House shouldn't use a cane, he should just drag his bum leg around as God intended?
Cameron: House has a handicap; all he's aiming for is normality.
Chase: And who decides what's normal? What if we find a drug that makes people live 20 years longer? Should we ban that because it's not normal?
Cameron: Jeff doesn't want normal, he wants superpowers.
[House pauses just before the door of his office, thoughtfully considering the conversation the Ducklings are having]
House: So why is he normal?
Foreman: Oh god, you too?
House: He's shooting for extraordinary, so why is everything so ordinary? I mean this guy's breathing, drinking and injecting himself with everything he can find to amp up his body chemistry, and yet every test is normal. He's artificially raising his red blood count, so why isn't it raised?
Chase: Maybe his count is raised; maybe what's normal for us is out of whack for him.
House: Can't slip anything by you.
Foreman: Well if that's true, then his white cells are up too, which would point to some kind of infection.
Chase: Muscle weakness, exhaustion? He could have encephalitis.
Cameron: That's kind of a long shot.
House: Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp so, get a lumbar puncture. And order broad spectrum antibiotics.
(Cut to Cuddy on the phone in her office. Computer screen shows a site called docmixer.com. It’s a dating site for doctors!)
Cuddy: No, it's not about judging, it's just that on a dating service, you should post a photo.
[Manager walks into the office]
Cuddy: I have to go. [Puts down the phone]
Manager: I am so sorry to bother you.
Cuddy: No no, not a problem I was just... err... accounting.
Manager: I'm Jeff Forster's manager. He's been here a whole day, and it doesn't seem like we're any closer to a diagnosis.
Cuddy: [checks the computer] Jeff Forster... a whole day, huh?
Manager: Uh huh, I was just wondering if I could help speed things up.
Cuddy: Your client's had a muscle biopsy, a full blood work-up, and he's scheduled for a lumbar puncture at 10am tomorrow.
Manager: Jeff is in the Lucas wing. If Mr Lucas showed up needing a lumbar puncture, would he have to wait until tomorrow?
Cuddy: Mr Lucas is dead.
Manager: Good, then there's an opening.
Cuddy: Jeff is used to doing whatever he has to do to be first doesn't he?
Manager: [sits down opposite Cuddy and takes a chequebook out of her briefcase] It’s been very lucrative for him. He feels it's important that he give something back [signs a cheque for $50,000] I hear you've been raising funds for your nuclear medicine department [Hands cheque over to Cuddy] or whatever.
[Cuddy stares wide-eyed at the cheque]
(Cut to the hospital at night)
[Foreman and Cameron are doing a lumbar puncture on Jeff]
Jeff: Thank you guys for working so late. [Still wheezing]
Foreman: Glad to be here. The lumbar puncture will tell us what kind of infection you've got. In the meantime, we're administering antibiotics.
[Jeff gives a thumbs up to acknowledge what Foreman said]
Cameron: Do you like being a hero?
Jeff: It's a living.
Cameron: You don't feel a sense of responsibility? There's kids out there that worship you.
Jeff: When I was a rookie, on the tour, I got a letter from a guy in Wisconsin. He wanted me to send a note to his son, said he worshipped me. You know what worship means? I looked it up. It means to love, unquestioningly, and uncritically. So the kid doesn't even know me, but he loves me. Unquestioningly, and uncritically.
Cameron: So you decided to take advantage of that?
Jeff: What should I have done? Dear Sir, I'm just a guy who rides a bike pretty good, you and your kid are out of your minds? My arm feels…feels funny...
[alarm starts going off]
Foreman: His sats are dropping, he's in respiratory arrest.
Cameron: Can't be, we fixed that!
Foreman: Apparently not [they proceed to intubate Jeff]
(Cut to Duckling and House in House's office)
House: So glad we cured his respiratory arrest, freed him up to develop respiratory arrest.
Foreman: LP was negative for encephalitis.
Cameron: The white count is still the same, but the red count's fallen to 29 percent.
House: What was my theory yesterday?
Chase: That I screwed up the embolectomy.
Foreman: We'll get a chest X-ray to check.
Chase: I didn't screw up--
House: Why would you be so petty, Chase? He's down a court. Either he's losing blood because you nicked something, or he's just not producing blood in which case we're talking acute anaemia combined with a muscular disorder.
Foreman: Paraneoplastic syndrome?
House: Either you screwed up, or he's got cancer.
(Cut to House walking into an exam room in the clinic. Patient sits there patiently chewing his gum)
Patient: I think I should start smoking again.
House: You want a medical opinion supporting that decision?
Patient: The symptoms started as soon as I quit.
House: Symptoms meaning [flips open the chart] diarrhoea. A lot of diarrhoea.
Patient: Ten or twelve times a day, it's really embarrassing. I'm a flight attendant, and...
[Stacy barges in and hits House across his arm]
House: Well, if you're upset, my hiccups are gone.
Stacy: You went to his group.
House: Well you were the one who was all ‘Greg, you need to confront your feelings’.
Stacy: [hits House across the arm again] that was 5 years ago.
House: I've been pissy.
Stacy: Fine, you don't want help; does that mean nobody should get it?
House: Mark's looking for help because... what? He’s resentful? Overwhelmed? I'm asking because I care.
Stacy: Not about him, you still want to jump me so you don't care who's married--
House: Look, I could get my rocks off anytime I want. What I don't seem to be able to do is my job without you hanging over my shoulder.
[Stacy gives a frustrated sigh and walks out]
House: How many packs? [Turns back to the patient]
Patient: A bit over one a day but they were lights and I quit. [Pause] You used to go out with her?
House: Yeah. What was I thinking? I'm talking about the gum you're chewing; you ever play smoking as an oral fixation. How many packs?
Patient: Six, maybe seven.
[Stacy barges back in]
Stacy: I'm trying to protect you. Cuddy and I may be the only people stopping you from jumping off a cliff just to prove that you--
House: You're pissy.
Stacy: Oh I am angry!
House: Pissy. You only get pissy when you're frustrated.
Stacy: Shut up!
House: Ok, I'm wrong.
Stacy: This is unbelievably difficult for Mark, which you should know, which you should be able to summon up some level of empathy for.
House: Right. The cripple boys. We should start a band.
Stacy: I have a good thing with Mark, we are handling this the best way we know how.
House: And none of this has anything to do with me?
Stacy: No, nothing! Except that you can't, or won't just let it go! Let it go. [Walks back out slamming the door]
House: You're being poisoned.
Patient: By gum?
House: Sugarless gum uses sorbitol as a sweetener. We use sorbitol as a laxative.
[patient spits out the gum, while House peeks out into the clinic through the blinds]
(Cut to Wilson with rolled-up sleeves doing a test on Jeff)
Manager: This will tell you if he's got cancer in his blood?
Wilson: If he does, we'll see abnormal cells in the marrow.
Manager: How long will the test take?
Wilson: I'll get them in as soon as I can.
Manager: And if he doesn't have cancer, what else could it be?
Wilson: It's possible some damage was done during one of the tests we gave him.
Manager: So either one of your doctors screwed up a simple procedure, or he's got cancer.
Wilson: We can't know anything for sure until the biopsy comes back.
[Jeff gestures at the Manager]
Wilson: It stings, I know.
Manager: No, he wants the tube out.
Wilson: Can't do that, Jeff. If you want to say something you've got to write it down, okay?
Manager: [fetches pen and paper] Here.
[Jeff writes "Did I do this to myself?"]
Wilson: If it's cancer, it's possible. There's no way to know for sure.
(Cut to Wilson walking into conference room where Cameron is sitting behind her desk)
Wilson: Phone not working? One of the morgue attendants asked me to bring this to you [hands her a slip of paper]
Cameron: Wonder why they're calling me.
Wilson: Yeah, me too actually. I was wondering why the Times was returning your call. You a doctor, or the bicycle police?
Cameron: He's cheating. Shouldn't get away with it.
Wilson: [sighs] Have you actually told them anything yet?
Cameron: You worried about the precedent?
Wilson: I'm worried about you.
Cameron: You going to turn me in?
Wilson: [looks down] No. He's made a mistake, revealing the truth doesn't undo it.
Cameron: Kids love him and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Wilson: Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't bring the same pleasure?
Cameron: Are we still talking about the patient?
Wilson: Have you... ever cheated? Well, I have. You want to punish him, good for you; but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him.
Cameron: Is that how you justified lying to your wives?
Wilson: I always told them.
(Cut to House and Ducklings examining Jeff's chest x-ray)
Foreman: Well, he's negative for bleeds.
House: Congratulations, Chase. It's cancer. Clean him up and let Oncology have him, it's their party now.
Wilson: [walking in] He doesn't have cancer. Biopsy shows he's got pure red cell aplasia.
Chase: There's no way PRCA could manifest so suddenly.
Cameron: Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO?
House: Why would he lie?
Cameron: What does it matter?
House: People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason.
Foreman: Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant.
House: Unless he's not lying.
[Stacy and Cuddy walk in]
Cuddy: You've got a leak. The Press is all over the Jeff Forster story.
Stacy: On the off-chance that one of you were stupid enough to call from your own office, I'm pulling your phone records, including your cell phones.
Foreman: I assume if I point out the fact that you have no right to do that, you'll interpret that as a sign of guilt?
House: Wilson's chatty. Plus he's got two ex-wives to support. You want me to tell him he's fired?
Stacy: Until we figure out who's behind this, I'm sitting in with you guys. You have the ethics of a four-year-old; I'm going to treat you like one.
House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
House: You know I can't do that!
Cameron: I'm not the leak.
Stacy: Somebody once told me that everybody lies. Since you're the only people who know he has cancer--
House: He doesn't have cancer.
Cuddy: The point is, you're his medical team. He's threatening to sue.
House: Why would Cameron leak cancer? How does cancer make the guy look bad? [Lengthy pause] He's on EPO. [Rushes out]
(Cut to House walking into Jeff's room)
House: Your anaemia is caused by pure red cell aplasia. This is going to hurt, but we got to talk.
[He starts pulling the duct tape off Jeff's mouth and pulls the tube that they use to intubate him out of his throat]
Manager: What the hell are you doing?!
House: He'll be fine. Sort of. I don't have time to watch him write out answers [he pulls out an oxygen mask and puts it over Jeff's nose and mouth] PRCA comes in two varieties, chronic and acute. Since it came on fast, you have the acute version.
Manager: He doesn't have cancer?
House: That's the good news. Bad news is, pants are on fire. Acute PRCA is caused by drugs, most commonly, EPO. Ready, and... action! [he pulls the gas mask off]
Jeff: I haven't used EPO.
House: [puts the gas mask back on] Ok, this time, more anger! Remember, this guy's accusing you of cheating. [Takes the gas mask off again]
Jeff: I haven't used that stuff.
House: Oh [kisses his fingertips] mwah, I believed it. It was simple, it was pure. Did you believe it? [Takes the gas mask off] I guess it's silly to cancel someone over the first audition. Why don't you do a reading?
Manager: [Snatches the mask out of House's hands and gives it back to Jeff] Give me that! He doesn't do EPO!
House: Hmm...what do you think? That was a different way to go but, I don't know, I just didn't buy it. Does she handle any of your injections?
Manager: You think I'm giving it to him? Test him!
House: Gee, that's a great idea. I sure hope that EPO's not one of those drugs that's undetectable after six hours. Hey you know what we can test for? Phone calls. Take her cell phone, push the redial button, even money says it'll be connected to the newspaper that leaked your cancer story [Manager glares at him] Okay... [He reaches over to grab the phone at the foot of the bed but she grabs it first]
Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff, it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay so I messed up, okay, but I did NOT give you EPO!
Jeff: That stuff could kill me.
House: [scoffs at them by mimicking Jeff] Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?
Manager: I would never do anything to hurt you.
House: Who're you going to believe? Manager you've trusted for years? [Snorts] I've been to college
Jeff: [takes off the mask] You're fired.
Manager: Okay. [Takes her stuff and looks back at House] You're basing this whole diagnosis, everything, on the idea that I was slipping him illegal drugs? You're going to kill him.
(Cut to Jeff's room later that day. Jeff is sleeping, Foreman is sitting on a couch a few feet away reading Forbes)
Jeff: If Dr House is so sure, why do you need to stay?
Foreman: He's a very cautious man. Your breathing's better, let the prednisone do its job, get some sleep.
[Jeff goes to sleep but starts wheezing a few seconds later, alarms start beeping]
(Cut to conference room the next morning)
Foreman: His red blood cell count plummeted to 16 percent. He passed out, had to be rescusitated and still can't move his legs.
Cameron: It's not possible. The drugs should be flushing out of his system.
House: Can't leave if they don't exist.
Cameron: But EPO use explains every one of his symptoms. He's been lying and cheating, and now it's coming back to bite him.
House: The only problem with that theory is it's based on the assumption that the universe is a just place. If it were, then his poor manager wouldn't have been fired for no reason.
Cameron: His chest was clear.
Chase: So we run an electromyography test.
Cameron: You're still not explaining the PRCA.
[House walks over to Cameron who automatically inserts a stirring stick into House's newly-made cup of coffee]
House: What's his red count now?
Foreman: Had to give him a blood transfusion, he's back around 30.
House: He needed a transfusion?
Foreman: Well he was losing blood, so I thought maybe he needed blood.
House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
Chase: His neck?
House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.
(Cut to balcony where Wilson is standing and eating. House walks out to join him with his coffee)
House: She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.
Wilson: Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.
House: I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational.
Wilson: Anger's not rational?
House: Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control.
Wilson: You're having fun aren't you?
House: She's in my face, I need to know why.
Wilson: Professional reasons.
House: Oh, why else?
Wilson: Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone?
(Cut to Ducklings scanning Jeff)
Cameron: After this we'll scan some totally random body parts.
Chase: Fifty bucks says we find something.
Foreman: [laughs] Find what?
Chase: Don't have a clue. We on?
Foreman: No way.
[Chase looks over at Cameron and tries to see if she's up to it]
Cameron: No. We'll find something.
(Ducklings troop into House's office together)
Chase: We found a thymoma.
Foreman: How'd you know to look in his neck? Thymoma's usually present in the chest
House: I knew it wasn't in his chest. All we've done since he checked in is look at his chest.
Foreman: All the more reason not to think--
House: There are two types of PRCA. Acute comes on suddenly, chronic takes its time. We all thought Jeff's was acute because it happened right in front of us. What if it had been there for months? Maybe years?
Cameron: There's no way, it would have kept him from racing. With that kind of anaemia, he would have needed constant...
Chase: Blood transfusions.
House: Which he was getting in convenient blood-doping form.
Foreman: He was treating himself without even knowing it.
House: Up to half of patients with chronic PRCA have a thymoma. And up to half of patients with a thymoma… [takes out a syringe] I’ve always wanted to do this.
[Elevator door closes on House]
(House walks into Jeff's room)
Jeff: I'm not getting any better. Does that mean I'm--
[House takes out his syringe and pokes Jeff right in the thigh and injects something into his thigh before pulling it back out]
House: You are healed! Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
House: In the Bible, you just say "Yes Lord" and then, start right in on the praising.
Jeff: First you tell me I've got cancer, and then you tell me that my manager-- [starts making a hand gesture then realises he can actually move his hand] What did you do?
House: No, what did you Lord. Thymoma is a tumour in the thymus gland. He's a bit of a wimp, but he hangs with the tough guys. PRCA and an auto-immune disease called myasthenia gravis. MG causes muscle fatigue, including respiratory problems and difficulty swallowing.
Jeff: It can hit you that fast?
House: Treatment for PRCA is blood transfusions, treatment for MG is hyperbaria. You were doing both as part of your regular freak show. When you took a break everything went to hell…which is not an uncommon reaction in Jersey.
Jeff: So... the whole thing with my manager..?
House: [raises his hand to his lips] Ooops. No, no EPO. This has nothing to do with anything you did. You can let her know she's in the clear.
Jeff: I could. Or, 10 percent of a Nike contract is a hell of a lot of cash.
House: [makes a snarky face when Jeff isn't looking] You don't need your thymus. Take it out, everything else is manageable.
Jeff: Manageable. I thought you just cured me.
House: Nuh uh, this is just diagnostic. This just erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes [Jeff suddenly starts wheezing again and suddenly drops like a ton of bricks onto the floor. House stands there without raising a hair] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [Calls out from the room] Cleanup on aisle three!
(Cut to House entering Stacy's office)
Stacy: You've come to search my office; you should wait ten minutes I'll be out of your hair. Here, start with my purse (throws it across to House) just save me some mints. What do you want to know? My sex life with Mark? My guilt over crippling your damn leg? Or are you just here to gloat because you weren't the leak?
House: I want to apologise [he solemnly sits down] Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know - do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a problem.
Stacy: I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.
House: You don't hate him?
House: So what do we do?
Stacy: We deal with each other.
House: Right. That plan's been working great so far.
Stacy: It'll get better, it'll get easier.
Stacy: I don't know, it's what my therapist tells me.
[House walks out of the room giving a briefly smug little smile once he's closed the door]
(Cut to Wilson walking into House's office where Cameron is watching the TV alone. Jeff is on it talking to the news crew)
Jeff: In the professional cycling world we are subject to what seems like constant witch-hunts. But I want to thank Dr House and the excellent medical team here at Princeton Plainsboro. My hope is that this diagnosis will put to rest any rumours that I would ever--
[Cameron turns off the TV]
Cameron: He needs blood transfusions every two weeks, which means he can dope all he wants. He's got a doctor's pass. It's medicinal. He got away with it.
Wilson: Mmmhmm, he cheated and won a game. Life's more complicated than who gets to the finish line first.
Cameron: I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day, and Joe would come by after work. We'd go for walks and try to talk each other through it. We kind of clung on to each other.
Wilson: My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick. Everything was fine. I met someone who... made me feel... funny. Good. And I didn't want to let that feeling go. [long silent pause] What happened to you, how can anyone go through that alone? You can't control your emotions.
Cameron: No. Just your actions.
Wilson: You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him.
Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Wilson: [smiling] You'd be surprised what you can live with. [walks out of the office]
(Late at night at the hospital, a guy is mopping the floor. House limps up to him without his cane)
House: Hey, I need you to open that door.
Mopping guy: Not allowed.
House: Yeah er... I was having therapy in here today, and er, I left my cane.
Mopping guy: Sorry.
House: Dude! I'm crippled.
[Mopping guy opens the door for House]
(Scene cuts to Cameron lying on her bed looking at her wedding photos, camera zooms in on the face of the best friend she fell in love with. She smiles.)
(Cut to Wilson lying on the couch in his office reading a book "Baseball Abstract")
[Cut to House lifting a filing cabinet up to unlock it then finding Stacy's file. He examines the file under the lamp light]