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House MD - 1.22 The Honeymoon

Originally Aired: May 24 2004

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Fred Keller

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Opens in a nice restaurant. House is trying to balance his fork and spoon on the rim of his beer glass – quite a feat! Stacy drops down in the opposite seat (it’s a table for four) and the silverware falls off the glass.]

House: I gotta go.

Stacy: No, no, he’ll be here. I’m sure he’s just running a little late.

House: He’s cancelled two exams, he’s not gonna –

Stacy: He’s scared of you.

House: Sure. The ex-boy-toy. Eh, that makes sense.

Stacy: He wasn’t scared before.

House: Right, you think being afraid of me is a symptom of a serious ailment.

Stacy: Sudden mood swings, infantile regression, abdominal pain, he’s passed out twice, yeah! I think it might be a medical problem.

House: He’s twenty minutes late. I’m outta here.

Stacy: Please. [She puts her hand on his.] He’ll be here.

House: Why? Because he loves you and does everything he’s told?

Stacy: Because I didn’t tell him you’d be here. [She gives him a “Ha!” kind of look. House fixes the necklace Stacy’s wearing – a silver crucifix.]

House: He likes to see.

Stacy: Yes, he does. [And the husband walks up.]

Mark: Stace? What’s going on?

Stacy: Hey – [about to make introductions, but --]

House: Hi. I’m Gregg House. You must be Matt.

Stacy: Mark. [Mark extends a hand.]

Mark: Mark Warner. [They shake.] Don’t get up. [He sits, whispered to Stacy as he kisses her on the cheek] Sorry, pair of conferences.

Stacy: It’s okay.

Mark: Hi. Wow. Gregg House.

House: Yeah. Wow.

Mark: No, I haven’t been avoiding you, I just didn’t want to waste your time. The other doctors checked me out and they said it was just stress. College season, kids, parents, they’re all over me.

House: Makes sense to me.

Stacy: Gregg –

House: What do you want me to do?

Stacy: You said you’d check him out!

House: He says he’s healthy. What’s to check out?

Mark: Sorry for the mix-up, but I’m glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you’re having fun.

House: Oh, he’s good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything. I can’t tell you how much I like your fella.

Mark: Yeah, me too. You know, I thought you’d be all sarcastic, bitter, you know, because Stacy married me. [He puts an arm around Stacy to emphasize the fact.]

House: You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.

Mark: We could go for a run together.

House: Hah! He’s Oscar Wilde!

Stacy: Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on. He needs to go to the hospital.

House: [raising his glass] Here’s to women. You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t kill ‘em until the neighbors are stripping in Atlantic City.

Mark: [raising his own glass] Damn straight. [They start to drink… and House finishes his glass first.]

House: I’m definitely taller.

Mark: I have more hair. And I think that… oh…

Stacy: Mark? [House gets up and guides Mark’s head to the table as he passes out.]

Paramedic: [entering the restaurant with a gurney] Someone call 911 for a wagon to Princeton-Plainsboro?

House: Garçon! [Translation corner: Garçon means “boy” in French, and is a not-too-nice way to address a waiter.] [He snaps his fingers to get their attention.] It’s okay, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about. Unless you had the veal.

Stacy: You dosed him!

House: I told you, I’d check him out. I was a little worried they were gonna get here before he’d passed out. Would have been tougher to get him to drink. I’ll give you a ride. We can talk. [Stacy gives him a dirty look and walks out with the paramedics.]

[Cut to Cameron, Chase and Foreman in the Diagnostics office.]

Cameron: Tummyache, cranky, no apparent source. Any thoughts? Foreman, you gonna contribute, or you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman looks up from his bowl of cereal.] I’m being House. It’s funny.

Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose. [House enters.]

House: Morning. You guys got the file? What’s wrong?

Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.

House: Then we’re done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys.

Chase: What about drugs? His tox screen on admission showed a massive amount of chloral hydrate.

House: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn’t think he’s sick.

Cameron: Who does?

House: His wife.

Cameron: The woman you used to live with.

House: That’s her Indian name. On her driver’s license it’s Stacy. I assume you have a point.

Cameron: You believe her over the patient himself. That’s why we’re taking this case.

House: The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it’s crazy, huh?

Cameron: What happened to “everybody lies”?

House: I was lying. Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that’s negative, ultrasound his belly. If that’s negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. [heading to his office] Did I miss anything?

Chase: Kitchen sink?

House: Well, we could certainly give that a – oh, you minx.

[Cut to House and Wilson walking in the hallway.]

Wilson: What you’re thinking is, you’re going to save him, be a hero, and win her back. It’s always impressive, that level of twisted narcissism.

House: She’s married. Big clue I lost the game.

Wilson: You can’t be within fifty feet of Stacy Warner.

House: I thought she wanted me to treat him.

Wilson: Treat the husband. Stay away from the wife.

House: But what if they get close to each other? What do I do then?

Wilson: Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. [House gets into the elevator.] Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.

House: Please, don’t put me on a pedestal.

[Cut to Cameron, talking to Stacy and Mark (who is in a hospital bed).]

Cameron: We CTed your abdomen. Nothing that would explain the stomach pain. [Mark gives a “You see?” look to Stacy, who sighs.]

Stacy: What’s the next move?

Mark: Leaving. How many more tests do I need? How many more doctors need to clear me before we can get back to our life?

Stacy: Just one.

Mark: House.

Cameron: It must be awkward being treated by a man who used to be involved with your wife. [pause]

Mark: Well, it’s awkward being in a hospital when there’s nothing wrong with me.

[Cut to Cameron, House and Chase walking down the hall.]

Cameron: MRAs were clean, which means he’s probably fine. He doesn’t seem paranoid, he shows no signs of –

House: No, it means we have no idea what’s wrong with him. [Foreman walks up.]

Foreman: Ben Goldstein says the schedule’s locked. He can’t do it before tomorrow.

House: No, today. Call him. Tell him I’ll make it work.

Cameron: [as Foreman walks off again] You’re cutting him open?

House: [to Foreman] Whoa, hold it! There’s no need for exploratory surgery, Dr. Cameron has a diagnosis.

Cameron: No, I just think it’s premature and maybe irresponsible to do exploratory surgery before we know he’s actually sick.

House: No, it’s premature to put him on a list for hospice care. [Chase and Foreman both roll their eyes.] And it’s maybe irresponsible to imply my actions are not rationally supported.

Cameron: All we have is his wife –

House: Who says that his stomach hurts. Works for me.

Cameron: The patient doesn’t even think he’s sick. Why would he consent –

House: His wife’s a lawyer. She’s very convincing. Call Goldstein, surgery’s on. [House walks off, then Chase and Foreman, leaving Cameron standing in the hall with her mouth hanging open.]

[Cut to the OR. The surgery is underway; Foreman is watching from behind a window in the wall. As the camera shows a monitor of Mark’s insides (mmm!), we cut to the next scene.]

[Cut to Stacy, sitting on a couch in the waiting room, talking into a handheld tape player.]

Stacy: Leslie vs. Leslie seems to be right in point, but I’m sure they’re going to try to distinguish it by – [she pauses as something is said over the overhead speaker] – sorry, they’ll try to distinguish it by relying on the minority opinion. [A paper coffee cup is thrust under her nose, held by one Dr. House.]

House: Double milk, no sugar.

Stacy: I like sugar now. [House sits next to Stacy. They both look bored and somewhat anxious. House keeps tapping his cane on the floor.] Some people would be annoyed by that. [House taps on the floor a few more times.]

House: You know why people sit in waiting rooms?

Stacy: This is gonna be good.

House: People think the closer they’re sitting to the operating room, the more they care.

Stacy: That’s why I’m here. I’m not moving until everybody sees me.

House: Are you doing anybody besides Mark? [She looks at him.] It’s a medical question.

Stacy: Because if I am his paranoia isn’t paranoia, it’s a justified response? Therefore, not a legitimate symptom?

House: Knew you’d understand.

Stacy: On the other hand, if it was really just a medical question you would have sent one of your people. Why just push my buttons when you can push theirs, too? ‘Hey, Dr. Mandingo, ask the wife if she’s been messing around.’ You were asking because, if I am unfaithful, I might sleep with you. The answer’s ‘no, I don’t sleep around’. Make sure you note that in his file. [Foreman enters the scene.]

Foreman: Mrs. Warner. The surgery went well; he’s in recovery, you can see him now. [She leaves; House stands. Quietly to House --] Goldstein found nothing but a distended bladder.

House: Neurogenic bladder isn’t causing the pain.

Foreman: Also doesn’t cause personality changes. On the other hand, it would completely account for Cameron’s diagnosis – the patient’s completely healthy.

House: Give me the video for the surgery.

[Cut to a late night in House’s office, complete with delivery pizza. House is reviewing the video. He every so often gets up to walk around, play with the blinds, twirl his cane, look through books, etc. He thinks, at one point, that he sees something odd, but it turns out to be a spot on the television screen. He grabs a higher resolution screen from OB/GYN (and dude, it’s a Dell! Hurrah for product placement!), and finally spots something. He picks up his cell, and…]

House: Dr. Mandingo, you’re needed at the plantation house.

[Cut to the Ducklings in House’s office, looking very sleepy. They’re staring at the screen with blank expressions.]

House: Well, don’t everybody talk at once. [He pops a couple of Vicodin.]

Cameron: There’s nothing there. [House follows Cameron’s eyes to what she’s really looking at: a ¾ empty bottle of whisky.]

House: Stop looking at the suspiciously empty bottle and look at the screen. Here’s why I get the big bucks. This is nothing. An enhanced version of nothing. [He plays the tape a bit, then stops it.] This is the problem.

Foreman: Unbelievable.

Chase: Tremors in the muscle fiber.

Cameron: That’s not peristalsis. That’s abdominal epilepsy.

Foreman: Means there’s some sort of neurological problem.

House: A time bomb in his brain. I forget, who said it was nothing?

[Cut to Foreman monitoring Mark’s brain wave patterns.]

[Cut to Foreman talking to House on their way to the Diagnostics office.]

Foreman: Saw a very small diffuse abnormality in the brain waves. Probably white matter. Means his axonal nerves are dying. Explains the neurogenic bladder.

House: Enough nerves die, he dies.

Foreman: Global axonal nerve death. Likely causes are encephalitis or Alzheimer’s. [He starts to write on the white board.]

Cameron: Early onset Alzheimer’s. The worst.

House: He won’t die right away. He’ll just want to.

Cameron: We’ll check his blood for Alzheimer’s protein markers.

House: Last I heard Alzheimer’s had a genetic component. Patient have parents?

Cameron: [checks the history] Parents died in a car crash. No history of dementia.

House: Send CSF or CBC and viral serologies to rule out encephalitis, and get Tal proteins to check for Alzheimer’s. And this [wielding the history] still feels a little light.

Cameron: I took a complete medical history.

House: [to Foreman] Check out their house. Take Sparky with you.

Chase: They live in Short Hills, two hours away.

House: You can expense the tolls.

Cameron: You’re not interested in the medical history. You’re a Peeping Tom trying to spy on your ex.

House: [to Foreman and Chase as they leave] Her secret diary: that’s the main thing. But as long as you’re there, take a peek in the medicine cabinet. Check for toxins, heavy metals… anything that would explain this other than encephalitis or Alzheimer’s. [The men leave.] And get receipts for the tolls! [Cameron storms out, as well.]

[Cut to Cameron in the lab. Stacy enters.]

Stacy: Making lunch? I assume that’s for Mark.

Cameron: You know about his parents. What about further back? Grandparents, uncles, aunts, how’s their health? [Stacy rolls her eyes.]

Stacy: Gregg hates fishing. He’s got a theory.

Cameron: Mostly likely candidate right now is Alzheimer’s. [Stacy thinks about that.]

Stacy: No. There’s been no memory loss. I mean, he forgets where he left his keys, but who doesn’t?

Cameron: Any family history?

Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That’s about it. [Cameron smiles, then takes off her glasses.]

Cameron: You were with House? When it happened? To his leg?

Stacy: You’re interested in him.

Cameron: We went on one date. It didn’t go very well.

Stacy: Our first date didn’t, either. I was never going to see him again. Week later I moved in. 5 years. What would you like to know?

Cameron: What was he like before his leg?

Stacy: Pretty much the same. [The machine beeps, and Cameron puts on her glasses to read the Test Results of Doom! Except…]

Cameron: He’s clear. No Alzheimer’s.

Stacy: Yeah, that’s what I figured.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase at Stacy and Mark’s home.]

Foreman: [uncovering a bike from under a tarp] Serious mountain bike. Hasn’t been used in a while, though.

Chase: [carrying a mat] He switched to yoga. Brand new yoga mat and tape.

Foreman: Man’s getting older.

Chase: Or it might indicate back pain.

Foreman: Wife would have mentioned it.

Chase: Yoga’s good for picking up the ladies, too.

Foreman: Not when you do it in your own home. The change could just be a change, not a symptom. [He opens a cabinet in the kitchen to find a plate of cookies with a note on them.] Chase! [reading the letter] “Dear House boys, a snack for your highly illegal search. Hope you like oatmeal raisin. Love, Stacy.”

Chase: Whoa. [hands a bottle full of pills to Foreman] In a desk drawer, hidden in the back under some papers. Secret stash.

[Cut to a shot of the pill bottle as House and company enter Diagnostics.]

Chase: Amphetamines.

Foreman: Regularly used, could lead to neurotoxicity. Explains the axonal nerve damage and the personality issues. [House picks up the bottle.]

House: On the other hand, prescribed to W. Brown.

Cameron: Fake name, fake prescription.

House: Could be, but the prescribing doc, his name’s real. This guy’s just had his license pulled for writing illegal prescriptions to high school kids.

Foreman: Mark’s a high school guidance counselor.

House: And Mr. Brown’s birth date makes him 17-years-old. You think maybe these were confiscated by a high school guidance counselor? [He pockets the bottle.] Anything else?

Chase: Uh, yeah, he switched from mountain biking to yoga, could have been indication –

House: He’s getting older. What did the CSF say about encephalitis?

Cameron: Said no. Champagne tap. No red cells, no white cells, serology’s negative.

House: Which means we’re back to Alzheimer’s.

Cameron: I told her he didn’t have it. The marker tests were negative.

House: Well, then you should have told her that. He could still have it. PET scan will reveal any change in metabolic activity in the cerebral cortex, run him through. And check his memory.

[Cut to Mark, ready to enter the PET scan.]

Foreman: We’re going to inject a chemical marker called FDDNP. Then I’m going to ask you a series of questions.

Mark: Test my memory.

Foreman: Yeah. First we’re gonna map out some specific brain functions, check out the engine before we take the car for a drive. [Foreman enters the room next to the machine, and finds House hiding in wait.] Checking up on me?

House: I like all the pretty lights. [The tech injects the chemical, and Mark starts to enter the machine.]

Foreman: Okay, [into the mike] here we go. Your full name?

Mark: Mark Warner.

Foreman: Is your mother living?

Mark: No.

Foreman: Limbic system’s intact. [into the mike] Okay, say you find a stamped envelope on the street. What do you do?

Mark: Find a mailbox and mail it.

House: Jeez, what a guy. His frontal lobe is working way better than mine. [into the mike] You remember when you got married?

Mark: Three years ago this July, who is that?

House: What? There could be a problem with his long-term memory. [in the mike] Big church wedding?

Mark: Is that House?

House: He remembers voices.

Foreman: This serves no diagnostic purpose.

House: I thought you skimped on the limbic system, there. Emotional reactions, I just want to be thorough. [in the mike] Did the atheistic bride wear a pretty, white dress?

Mark: Was she thinking of you? Is that what you medically need to know?

House: What jewelry did your bride wear?

Mark: She never wears any jewelry. Except that cross her mother gave to her. No underwear, either. At least, not that day. I remember because she ripped her pretty, white dress off in the car. Is that the sort of answer you’re looking for, Doctor?

House: I think I upset him.

Foreman: You gotta to stop this, now.

Mark: I remember the honeymoon was in Paris. I remember because we didn’t leave the room for two weeks. You want the details on that?

House: A little defensive.

Foreman: It’s not paranoia if someone’s out to get you.

[Cut to the roof of the hospital. House is standing up there, staring into the night. Stacy appears in the doorway.]

House: Here we go. [Stacy shoves him.]

Stacy: He’s sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?

House: The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system –

Stacy: Elevate the words all you want, you were just screwing with him. Low even by your standards.

House: Medical screwing. It’s what I do.

Stacy: And then you run away like a 12-year-old. Go hide on the roof like you always do.

House: I haven’t been up here in five years. [a lengthy, awkward pause] I don’t know what’s wrong with him. It’s not Alzheimer’s, it’s not encephalitis, it’s not environmental, it’s not immunological. Every test is negative, every time. He’s perfectly healthy, but his brain is dying.

Stacy: It never occurred to me that you couldn’t figure out what’s wrong. [Stacy starts to cry, and House walks over to hug her.]

House: I haven’t given up.

Stacy: So what do we do?

House: We wait.

Stacy: For what?

House: Something to change. It’s one of the great tragedies of life, something always [they break apart], something always changes.

[Cut to Mark, lying in his hospital bed. He sits up and grabs his legs.]

Mark: Nurse! Nurse! [The Nurse runs in.]

[Cut to Stacy running out of the elevator, House not far behind. She enters Mark’s room.]

Stacy: What happened? What’s wrong?

Mark: My toes. They were numb, tingling, then nothing. No pain, nothing.

Stacy: It’s okay. They’re gonna take care of you.

Mark: I’m scared, Stacy. Hold my hand. [We see that Stacy is already holding Mark’s hand. CGI cam goes into Mark’s eye, and through neural passages that seem to short out at the end.]

Stacy: What’s happening?

House: Time marches on. He’s paralyzed.

[Cut to the office, late at night.]

Foreman: His symptoms mimic a peripheral nervous system under attack.

Chase: But he’s experiencing significant paresthesias, and he can’t move his hands or toes.

House: It’s peripheral. Guillain-Barre syndrome attacks there, not the brain.

Foreman: No, no. I already did an indirect Coombs’ test. No glutination, no antibodies!

House: Initiative! Like that. Start him on IV immunosuppress—

Foreman: No antibodies means he doesn’t have Guillain-Barre, period!

House: Period? More like dot dot dot. What if he has the virus but isn’t producing those antibodies?

Foreman: Come on, the chances of that are –

House: I didn’t ask about the Vegas line, I said “what if?”

Foreman: It would mean he’s sick and his body’s not doing anything about it.

Cameron: So we either fight it for him or it’s fatal.

House: Fatal sounds very bad to me.

Chase: But without the antibodies we can’t even test for it. We don’t know if we’re right.

House: The treatment isn’t all that dangerous, plasmapheresis and IVIG. If it works, we’re right. If he dies, it was something else.

[Cut to Mark, hooked up to a dialyzer and talking to Cameron.]

Mark: So the paralysis might not be permanent?

Cameron: That’s our hope, but the brain’s tricky. You never know. [House looks at Stacy, Stacy looks back.]

Mark: What was that?

Stacy: What?

Mark: With the head, the look.

Stacy: He just wants to talk to me.

Mark: Well, if it was medical he should be talking to me!

Stacy: I’ll be just outside the door.

Mark: Leave! Go talk to him! You’re gonna leave me anyway!

Stacy: No, that’s not gonna happen.

Mark: You left him, and he had a limp. If I can’t walk, or hold you… [he starts to cry]

Stacy: Honey, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to talk to him.

Mark: If I can’t feed myself?

Cameron: Mark, what you’re feeling, it’s not real. It’s the virus. [Mark starts to choke; Cameron looks into his mouth with her penlight.] Mark? His throat’s closing up, he can’t breathe. Code blue! [Nurses rush in.] He’s having a reaction to the IVIG, I need epi stat! [She tries to tube him but he keeps jerking around.] I can’t get the scope in his throat!

House: Stop that.

Cameron: He’s having an allergic reaction and he’s crashing!

House: No, he’s not. Look at his vitals. O2 stats are within range. I’m betting the only abnormal sign is sweaty palms. [Stacy, still holding his hand, nods.] Push two milligrams Ativan. [She pushes it, and Mark calms down.] Just a panic attack. Something obviously freaked him out. Can we talk now?

[Cut to House and Stacy walking out of the room.]

Stacy: You couldn’t just walk into the room?

House: He’s had five visitors drive down. I didn’t recognize any of them. Six more have sent him flowers, candy and a teddy bear, which I’m sure he finds very comforting. But I didn’t recognize any of the names on the cards.

Stacy: Shockingly, Mark has friends, and I have some new ones.

House: No, it’s not shocking that you have new friends. But it is shocking that you apparently dumped all your old ones.

Stacy: I haven’t.

House: No, I didn’t think so. I just think you didn’t tell any of them that you were down here. Now why would that be? [A doctor comes to use the telephone at the desk; they move to another spot.] Why would you not tell your oldest friends that you were taking Mark to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital to try to save his life?

Stacy: I’ve been busy! I haven’t kept track of who knows what.

House: See, my old friends are telling me to be careful. They seem to think –

Stacy: He. And he sent me the bear.

House: Figures. He seems to think that I’m not over you. It might be dangerous for me to spend time with you. I’m thinking your friends might have similar concerns. And so you didn’t tell him you’d be here, with me.

Stacy: What’s your point? That I’m still in love with you? I should abandon my dying husband and we should head for Rio?

House: No.

Stacy: Gregg, I appreciate what you’re doing for us, but maybe Wilson’s right. Maybe you should just stay away from me. [She walks off.]

[Cut to House working in his office. The phone rings, a fax comes through. House goes to look at it.]

[Cut to House, sitting at a bar. Wilson enters and sits next to him.]

Wilson: What’s up?

House: Love the bear, it was adorable.

Wilson: My wife’s going to kill me. We’re having company, she cooked.

House: I got Mark’s latest blood work, he’s not responding to treatment.

Wilson: I’m sorry.

House: I was happy. He’s my patient. I’m sure he’s a good guy, he’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because I want to be with her or if it’s because I want her to suffer.

[Cut to House entering Mark’s room.]

House: Hey. Is it okay if I talk to Stacy for a minute?

Stacy: I’ll be just outside, honey.

[Cut to the two of them walking down a hallway.]

House: You two are good together.

Stacy: You know nothing about Mark.

House: He took you to Paris, that’s good enough for me.

Stacy: We never went to Paris.

House: Your honeymoon. It’s been your dream city, you wanted to go since you were sixteen, he actually took you.

Stacy: No, I had to work. We spent the night in New York, then went back to Short Hills. What is it?

House: When did Mark switch from mountain biking to yoga?

Stacy: About a month ago. The same time he started getting sick, what does that mean?

House: We have two more symptoms.

[Cut to House’s office. House puts pictures of Mark’s brain up on the light board.]

House: Patient was asked a series of questions to determine the functionality of his brain.

Foreman: You grilled him about Stacy.

House: Whatever. Yeah, point is he told us everything we needed to know to diagnose him, that is if we use your fancy PET scan as a lie detector. See, it’s a very creative process, lying. Now, telling the truth is a much simpler process. See here. Question nine, this is where Mark gives a long, rambling answer about taking Stacy to Paris. What does the PET scan say?

Foreman: Minimal involvement. Just the frontal and temporal lobes.

Chase: He said he went to Paris and the PET confirms it, so what?

House: They didn’t go. They didn’t go to Paris, and yet Mark’s brain apparently thinks that he really did spend 40 francs on a tour of the Bastille. [He starts to erase the white board.] So we have an intermittent syndrome that presents with abdominal pain, polyneuropathy, paranoia and delusions. Now, here’s the thing about Acute Intermittent Porphyria. It’ll jump you in a dark alley, beat the crap out of you, leave you bleeding. But it leaves gloves, so no fingerprints. Doesn’t show up in blood tests, urine tests, nothing. Unless you catch it red handed in the middle of an attack.

Chase: But there are other symptoms of AIP.

House: Such as?

Chase: Light sensitivity?

House: Yeah, well, one of the true tragedies of this condition is it makes you want to stick your cool, new mountain bike in the garage and take up an indoor sport like, say, yoga. Start the treatment: hematin and glucose.

Cameron: If you give him hematin and you’re wrong, he dies today.

Foreman: There’s only one way to confirm AIP: urine sample made during the attack.

Chase: And there’s no way to predict when he’ll have another attack.

House: Sure there is.

[Cut to the team talking to Stacy in Mark’s room.]

House: Acute Intermittent Porphyria has very specific triggers. Barbiturates, alcohol, high levels of protein set off an attack.

Stacy: Which trigger do you think set off Mark’s?

House: Not the faintest idea, that’s why I’m going to give him the combo plate.

Stacy: So if he has this, and you trigger the attack, the attack makes him worse. Right?

House: Yeah. But then we’ll know what it is and we can treat it.

Mark: What if I don’t have this thing and you give me that shot? What happens?

House: No idea. If we don’t know what’s messing up your brain we don’t know how you’ll react.

Stacy: Okay, I need a minute with my husband. [The team leaves. Mark is shown talking through the glass, then Stacy gets up and leaves.] He doesn’t want the trigger. He wants to wait, see if we can come up with another explanation. If it is the AIP, how much time does he have?

House: No idea. Next attack could be fatal. Could be six months from now, could be five minutes from now.

Stacy: I want you to test him.

House: Fine. I’ll send for a HMB synthetase mutation, genetic test. Lab will get back to us in a month.

Stacy: Give him the cocktail, set off an attack.

House: No.

Stacy: Why not?

House: Because he doesn’t want me to.

Stacy: I’m not going to sue you. I’m not going to report you.

House: He might.

Stacy: He’s paralyzed! Either you cure him, or he won’t be writing any letters.

House: I’m not gonna do it.

Stacy: Why not?

House: You keep asking me that question; my answer doesn’t change. I gave him the parameters, it’s his call.

Stacy: You want him to die.

House: I diagnosed him, I did my job. You want somebody to tie him down and force him into treatment, well, you’re way better at that than I am.

Stacy: Is that what this is? Payback for your leg? How many times have we been over this; I saved your life.

House: Yeah, maybe.

Stacy: You’re going to kill my husband to teach me a lesson?

House: No, he’s going to die because he’s too stubborn to make the right choice.

Stacy: Now we’re in your territory.

House: I’m respecting your husband’s decision, I don’t see why you’ve got a problem with that.

Stacy: Because it’s crap! Because you browbeat patients, intimidate them, lie to them. If you think you’re right you don’t give a damn what they think. I did what you do all the time, the only difference is I did it to you.

House: He’ll never forgive you.

Stacy: Yeah, he will.

[Cut to the doctors with Mark.]

Foreman: Still no change.

Stacy: He’s not getting worse?

Foreman: No, no change at all.

Stacy: And that’s consistent with AIP, right? Until he has another attack his condition’s stable?

Cameron: Yeah.

Stacy: Mark, you’ve got to –

Mark: I don’t want to take that test. Not until they’re sure.

Stacy: You don’t know Gregg.

Mark: Not like you do. I only met him when he drugged me.

House: [at the doorway] Boy, are my ears burning.

Mark: What’s that?

House: [holding up a syringe] Cocktail hour. Just because you can’t hoist a few doesn’t mean you should be left out.

Mark: Get away from me.

Stacy: Mark, this is what he thinks is wrong with you.

Mark: You trust his judgment more than mine?

Stacy: His medical judgment.

Mark: And you’d bet my life on that.

Stacy: I would.

Mark: I don’t.

House: Smart. Too bad you’re paralyzed. [He takes the IV to push the syringe, but Foreman stops him.] Bing! Paging Dr. Foreman! Leave the room. It’s not your problem.

Foreman: You need the consent from him.

House: Doc, he ain’t right in the head!

Cameron: Then you need a court order.

House: Okay, then get one. We’ll wait here. I won’t do nothin’. [The three Ducklings have moved so they’re forming a wall between House and Mark’s bed.] Oh, love the Musketeer thing. I got goosebumps.

Cameron: [holding out her hand] Give me the syringe.]

Stacy: [near tears] Please, if you’re right this may be his only shot.

House: So what’s your plan? You take the big, dark one, I’ve got the little girl and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough. I can’t do it. [He turns away, everyone relaxes, and then BOOM! House sticks the syringe in Mark’s leg.]

Mark: You son of a bitch!

House: See what I did there?

Stacy: When does it happen?

Chase: [checking Mark’s vitals] If he had AIP, it should have already happened.

House: Everyone’s different.

Foreman: This is not good. He could have embolism, tachycardia, stroke – [Foreman is interrupted by Mark, who goes into an attack.]

Stacy: What’s happening?

Chase: Two milligrams of Ativan!

Stacy: Is that an attack? [Cameron runs over with the Ativan, but House swipes it away with his cane.]

House: No, you’ll pollute the sample! Chase, get urine from the catheter.

Foreman: It’s not an attack, he’s stroking!

Chase: He needs Ativan!

House: This is not a stroke! Delta wave bursts just at the base of the spasm. [The catheter falls to the floor.]

Chase: Catheter’s out, there’s no way to collect the sample

Foreman: Heart rate’s in the 40s, bradycardia, we’re losing him!

House: Hold him down!

Stacy: Give him something!

House: No pain killers!

Foreman: You were wrong! [House doesn’t listen, but grabs a syringe and sticks the needle into Mark’s bladder, pulling out the urine sample.]

House: Straight from the bladder, that’s as fresh as it gets. Will you give him the Ativan already? He doesn’t need to be awake for this.

[Cut to the lab, where House is performing tests on the urine sample. He swirls the urine after adding the chemical to it.]

Cameron: It’s still yellow.

House: [grabbing a lamp] Move.

Cameron: What?

Chase: You think another light’s gonna make the difference?

House: Organic chem.. More lights, more oxidation. Ring any bells? [The sample turns black.] Start the patient on 150 milligrams glucose, 75 milligrams hematin. [The three younger doctors leave, leaving House alone to breathe.]

[Cut to Mark and Stacy. Stacy is holding Mark’s hand, which moves.]

Mark: Hey.

Stacy: Hey.

Mark: You want to thumb wrestle? Come on. [Stacy gives him a kiss.] He’s still a maniac.

Stacy: I know. [House is watching behind the blinds. Cameron is watching House.]

Cameron: Dr. House? How’s he doing?

House: [looking in again] Never better.

Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn’t love me. It’s okay. I’m happy for you. [She walks off.]

[Cut to House’s office. He opens the blinds to look at the rain. Stacy enters.]

Stacy: You fixed him.

House: De nada.

Stacy: Thank you. You were right.

House: He’s gonna be fine.

Stacy: No, about me. I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.

House: So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.

Stacy: What’s so great about you, you always think you’re right. What’s so frustrating about you is you are right so much of the time. You are brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy… but with you I was lonely, and with Mark there’s room for me.

House: Okay. [Stacy kisses him on the cheek, then leaves.]

[Cut to House getting out of the elevator in the lobby. Cuddy, running down the stairs, meets up with him.]

Cuddy: I want to run something by you.

House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need –

Cuddy: Stacy’s husband is going to need close monitoring at the hospital. And since we can definitely use her back here, I’ve offered her a job. General Counsel.

House: Did she say yes?

Cuddy: She said only if it was okay with you. [House starts to walk off as The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” plays ironically in the background.] Yes or no?

House: Fine. Good.

[Cut to House’s place. House pours himself a drink and downs it. He throws his cane over to the couch, attempts to take a normal step, and collapses. He sits back on the piano bench.]

[Cut to Mark and Stacy, hugging on the hospital bed. Woo!]

[Cut to House, who takes his bottle of Vicodin out of his pocket, shakes out a pill, tosses it in the air, and catches it in his mouth.]

[End!]

Tags: season 1
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