doc_on_duty (doc_on_duty) wrote in clinic_duty,
doc_on_duty
doc_on_duty
clinic_duty

House MD - 1.20 Love Hurts

Originally Aired: May 10 2005

Written by: Sara B. Cooper
Directed by: Bryan Spicer

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Opens in the clinic. The overhead speaker is paging a Dr. Lee. Harvey, a young man of Korean heritage goes up to talk to Brenda, our favorite nurse.]

Harvey: Will it be much longer?

Brenda: We’ll call you when we’re ready.

Harvey: I’ve been waiting almost an hour.

Brenda: We’ll call you when we’re ready.

Harvey: I’m sorry. [He starts to nervously pace around the clinic. We move to Exam Room Two, where House, Wilson, and some other guy are watching baseball on House’s TV. House offers snacks to Wilson.]

Wilson: So she’s really coming back?

Some guy: Who’s coming back?

House: You don’t know her.

Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?

House: Don’t have TiVo on this thing, can’t rewind. Shut up.

Some guy: You lower her hours?

House: You don’t even know her.

Wilson: Who is this guy?

House: He’s a patient.

Some guy: He’s examining me.

House: He’s got to go back to work as soon as I’m done with the examination. Guess I do, too.

Wilson: [shaking his head] It’s got to be something. I mean, she didn’t come back because she likes you. [House gets a very wooden look on his face, and Wilson knows he’s struck gold.] Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!

Some guy: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!

House: Keep talking. I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to Wilson] I’ve agreed to take her on one date.

Wilson: What?!? [Both Wilson and the other guy look very excited.]

Some guy: So, you in to this girl?

Wilson: Yes –

House: No! She’s not giving me any choice. [Wilson now looks a bit puzzled.]

Some guy: Wait… she’s making you do her?

House: Date her.

Wilson: Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.

Some guy: [putting an arm around House’s shoulders] Do her, or you’re gay. [Wilson thinks about that one. Heh.]

House: For God’s sake. [He grabs his TV and leaves. As he’s walking out the door --]

Wilson and Some guy: [kind of singing] Sitting in a tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

House: [over them] Grow up. And learn to harmonize. [He shuts the door and runs into Harvey, who spills an open cup of liquid on him.] Damn it!

Harvey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

House: Who the hell walks around with an open urine sample?

Harvey: I’m sorry, I didn’t, uh, I didn’t… [He backs away from the scary man with the cane. Wilson walks out of the exam room.]

Wilson: You think that was a bit of an overreaction?

House: Well, he peed on me. I’m not into that. [Wilson sniffs House’s jacket.]

Wilson: It’s apple juice. Now go find that man and apologize. One more patient complaint and you’re looking at a suspension. [He takes House’s TV and goes back into the exam room.]

[Cut to Harvey, who is leaning against a glass wall and breathing heavily. House walks up to him.]

House: I forgive you for ruining my jacket. [Harvey doesn’t move.] Look, you seem like a regular kind of guy, not the type to get another regular guy into trouble, am I right? [It sounds like Harvey is sobbing, House rolls his eyes.] Twenty bucks cash if you’ll stop crying. [Nothing doing.] Forgive me, yell at me, just give me something I can work with, okay? [He grabs Harvey’s shoulder, and turns him around to reveal a Harvey that’s not doing well at all. He quickly checks his pulse and flashes a light in his pupils, which are blown. Wilson shows up.]

Wilson: Game’s over. You two make nice?

House: Get a wheelchair, and get this guy into the ER.

Wilson: What happened?

House: Right pupil’s blown.

Wilson: Holy… you gave the guy a stroke? [Harvey kind of moans, and with that we go to the Opening Credits.]

[Cut to Chase and Foreman in the Diagnostic office.]

Chase: [playing with a small ball] So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit. [He throws the ball to Foreman.]

Foreman: Lame. [He throws the ball, which is caught by Cameron, walking in the door.]

Chase: Hey!

Foreman: Yo!

Chase: What are you doing here? [Foreman gives Cameron a hug, aww.]

Cameron: I work here.

Chase: What, here in this office?

Cameron: House practically begged me to come back.

Foreman: Please tell me you took him to the cleaners?

Cameron: Same lousy salary.

Chase: Then why’d you do it?

House: [entering with Wilson] Cause this is the happiest place on Earth. 21-year-old male, comes in with grinding of the teeth.

Wilson: And House gives him a stroke, totally blows out his pupil.

Foreman: You scared a guy into stroking out?

Wilson: Does that surprise anyone here?

Cameron: Blown pupils usually means brain stem edema.

House: Sure, but since he’s not dead or in a coma, I’m going with stroke to the optic nerve. [He puts up scans on the light board.] CT scan shows two things.

Foreman: Ischemia. Death of brain tissue. Means there’s been some damage, hopefully not permanent.

House: And?

Foreman: That’s it. There’s nothing there to tell us what the underlying cause is. We’ve got to do an MRI.

House: You’re looking at the wrong part of the scan.

Foreman: I’m looking at the brain, what else is there?

Cameron: The jaw.

Chase: The jaw tells us why he stroked?

Cameron: No, the jaw tells us why we can’t do an MRI. Unless we want his jawbone flying across the room.

House: Metal plate. He’s had major reconstruction and there’s no way we’re removing it, so we’re forced to be clever. Angiogram to rule out vascultis, EMG for peripheral neuropathy, tox screen to eliminate drugs, an echo to rule out cardiac emboli. [As they all leave] Dr. Cameron. I’d appreciate you keeping the terms of your new contract to yourself. Don’t want everyone clamoring for the same perks.

Chase: [as soon as the three of them are in the hallway] What perks?

Cameron: Nothing you’d be interested in.

Foreman: So it’s not money, then? Office space, insurance, parking… anything he could offer you, we’d be interested in.

Cameron: He agreed to go on a date with me.

Foreman: [looking at Chase incredulously] A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?

Cameron: He only committed to the first two.

Chase: He’s so, he’s so old!

Cameron: And you’re so young.

Foreman: It’s a big mistake.

Cameron: It’s my boss. I’m allowed to sexually harass my boss. I’ll arrange for the EMG, [to Chase] you want to set up the angiogram, and [to Foreman] you get the blood samples, patient history, patient consent? [Cameron leaves behind a smirking Foreman and a faintly disgusted Chase.]

Foreman: Like watching an accident about to happen.]

[Cut to Harvey’s room. Sitting with him is Annette. We’ll find out who Annette is shortly. Foreman enters.]

Foreman: Morning! Harvey, I’m Dr. Foreman. I’m here to discuss your case. [Harvey looks to Annette.]

Annette: I’m Annette, I’m Harvey’s friend.

Foreman: Nice to meet you. I need your next of kin, you didn’t fill that out on your intake form. [Harvey again looks to Annette.]

Annette: Harvey’s parents are dead. They died two years ago in a car crash.

Foreman: I see. So, Harvey, you have any siblings?

Annette: No, and no grandparents or uncles or aunts.

Foreman: Annette, I don’t want to have to ask you to leave.

Harvey: I want her to stay.

Foreman: Well, she can stay. [pointedly] You do the talking. Why’d you come to the clinic this morning?

Harvey: Uh, about six months ago, I started grinding my, my… you know, in your mouth, you get, you chew with them…

Annette: Teeth. Harvey’s experiencing a little nominal aphasia, you know, when you can’t remember nouns.

Foreman: Yeah, I think I know what nominal aphasia is. Have you had any treatment for the teeth grinding?

Harvey: I went to a, you know, they do that thing with sharp, uh, pointy things.

Foreman: Needles? Someone took your blood.

Harvey: No, they make you breathe.

Foreman: Pulmonologist.

Harvey: No, she had this, uh, electrical machine… [Foreman looks to Annette.]

Annette: He saw an acupuncturist.

Foreman: Uh huh. [to Annette again] Do you know what the acupuncturist did?

Annette: She diagnosed Liver Qi stagnation and sent Harvey to a Shen balancer. He referred him to a homeopathic doctor who sent him to chiropractor.

Foreman: Naturally.

Annette: Well, the chiropractor thought it might be food sensitivity and sent Harvey to a naturopath.

Harvey: The naturopath sent me back to the…

Foreman: Back to the acupuncturist.

Annette: Yes.

Foreman: Okay. Well, we’ll need to see the records from all of those, uh, practitioners.

Harvey: Thanks. [Foreman leaves. Chase is looking in the room oddly.]

Foreman: Everything set for the angiogram?

Chase: Cameron’s got the EMG first. Who’s that?

Foreman: Harvey’s guru.

Chase: That’s what she called herself?

Foreman: That’s what she acted like. [Foreman leaves. Annette looks out the window and sees Chase; Chase looks away.]

[Cut to an exam room, where the nurses are setting up a patient for a pelvic exam. Enter Dr. House. House does a double take when he realizes said patient is at least 70.]

Ramona: Hi. I’m having vaginal pain.

House: Pleasure to meet you. [Vicodin goes “pop”!]

Ramona: My OB/GYN died recently. He’s a nice man. Warm hands.

House: [sitting and putting on rubber gloves] Not anymore. So, does it hurt when you tinkle?

Ramona: Yeah, it’s when it’s worse. [House performs the exam.]

House: You have some vaginal tearing. No sign of brusing, no indication of trauma, forced entry… Ramona. You naughty girl. You’ve either got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.

Ramona: Myron thought he’d just try them out!

House: Lucky you.

Ramona: I guess.

House: Prefer it if Myron was a little droopier?

Ramona: Maybe a little. We used to hold hands, read together, or watch Jeopardy! I haven’t seen Jeopardy! in almost a month!

House: [going for the big question] Have you talked to him about this?

Ramona: You try talking a 73-year-old out of sex. With all these male enhancements the pressure to put out’s incredible. It’s worse than high school. He doesn’t get what he wants from me, he’ll get it from Connie in the corner condo. She’s dying her hair red! Major league slut. [House and the nurse share a look.]

House: Here’s a prescription for vaginal estrogen suppositories. It’ll help with the lubrication.

Ramona: Thank you. Maybe you could give Myron a prescription. Something weaker than he’s got now? Tell him it’s better for his heart – he’d buy that.

House: You can’t tell him the truth, so you want me to lie to him?

Ramona: Would you?

House: Close your legs. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Harvey’s room. Cameron is preparing the EMG.]

Cameron: Nerves stimulate muscles to move by creating a small electrical current. The machine will measure that. And I will insert this needle into various muscles and ask you to flex. Sometimes it can be painful. Let me know, and I can pull back –

Harvey: No. I mean, it’s okay.

Cameron: Okay. Put your arm out to the side. [Harvey extends his right arm, and Cameron sticks the needle into his upper arm. Harvey sighs, and the arm begins to twitch.] You all right?

Harvey: I’m good. You don’t have to stop.

Cameron: Raise your arm up over your head. [She takes the needle out of his upper arm and moves it to his forearm. Harvey almost smiles.]

[Cut to Cameron briefing the team on the test.]

Cameron: The EMG was clean.

House: Well, based on this history it’s either toxic herbs from the homeopath, spinal damage from the chiropractor, infection from the needle that the acupuncturist accidentally let sit in eye of newt, or the Shen balancer. What the hell is a “shen” and how come it’s lopsided?

Foreman: The only abnormal test result we found was on the echo report. Mitral valve prolapse.

House: Hang up a shingle and condemn the narrowness and greed of Western medicine, you’d make a damn fine living.

Foreman: Clot’s formed on a faulty valve, gets sent to the brain, voila! Stroke.

House: Of course, no harm, no foul. It’s just taking a few bucks from superstitious idiots, right?

Chase: Could also be an aneurysm due to trauma.

Foreman: Trauma? From what, the chiropractic treatments? It’s bacterial endocarditis, an infected valve. We should do blood cultures.

House: Except the six months that he had with these charlatans might have been spent going to someone who looks at things that exist in the real world. But that’s just me being all narrow again.

Chase: I noticed a small bruit when I listened to Harvey’s left carotid. You could hear that if you had an aneurysm from trauma.

Cameron: Aneurysm would have shown on the angiogram.

Chase: No, not necessarily.

House: Hmm. Quite a dilemma. [House picks up a magic 8-ball.] Oh, great pool hall oracle, grant me guidance. [He shakes it.] Do we go with Foreman’s theory, which is at least marginally supported by medical test results, or Chase’s theory, which is completely unsupported by medical evidence. What to do…

Chase: The guy obviously broke his jaw somehow. Who knows what other trauma he’s suffered? We should do the angiogram again.

House: And all signs point to… [He looks at the 8-ball.] Sorry, Chase. The gods have spoken. Start Harvey on blood thinners and antibiotics.

[Cut to the ducklings walking toward Harvey’s room.]

Chase: Wow. Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and never let go. [They open Harvey’s door to find Annette strangling him. (And yes, the blinds were shut so they couldn’t see walking up.)]

Cameron: Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing? [Foreman and Cameron pull Annette away.]

Foreman: You’re choking him!

Chase: Foreman, stop. Let her go.

Foreman: [holding Annette] She was trying to kill him!

Harvey: No. No, she wasn’t.

Cameron: His vitals seem okay.

Harvey: Please. Please don’t hurt her. [Annette gets away from Foreman.]

Foreman: What the hell is going on in here?

Chase: She’s… she’s a dominatrix. [Foreman’s eyebrows almost lift off his head.] Right, Annette?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, where House and Annette are meeting with a hospital lawyer.]

Lawyer: The patient asked you to strangle him?

Annette: Harvey is an asphyxiaphyliac. He likes to be strangled or smothered.

Lawyer: That’s just sick.

House: Well, that’s an intriguing legal opinion. Geez, what kind of a lawyer is he?

Lawyer: You want a legal opinion? Call the cops.

Annette: I was careful. I watched the monitors, made sure his O2 stats were over 90. I would never hurt him.

House: Then what was the point?

Annette: Harvey was upset. He needed to calm down. To feel in control by being controlled.

Cuddy: Eh.. um… He pays you for this?

Annette: [nodding and smiling] In return, he does my taxes and cleans my house. [House gets up to leave.]

Cuddy: We’re not done here, we have to talk!

House: Call the cops, bar her from the hospital, force her to pierce your nipples… not really medical decisions.

[Cut to the diagnostic office.]

Chase: It was a long time ago. I was seeing this woman. A banker, and turns out she liked to be burned.

Cameron: You actually dated someone who likes to get burned? [Chase nods.]

Foreman: Yeah, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that’s so obviously only going to lead to pain?

Cameron: Shut up.

Chase: It was a weird scene. I observed – [House enters.]

House: Chase. Did you know about this woman? What she does?

Chase: I met her at some parties, yeah.

House: I wouldn’t have tortured you if I knew you liked it. [Chase kind of laughs at that.] Well, here’s a phrase to remember: “Hey, this guy might have been pounded on the head one too many times!”

Chase: I said I thought it was a trauma induced aneurysm.

House: Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you’d mentioned the “liking pain” thing. You’re on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas.

Chase: I’m not into –

House: I assume you never started him on antibiotics or blood thinners before Mistress Ilsa’s rude interruption.

Cameron: It was probably a good thing.

House: Start him on antibiotics and blood thinners. [House watches as an older gentleman walks into his office. He watches the man throughout the rest of this scene.]

Cameron: You still think Chase is wrong?

House: No, he’s probably right.

Chase: Then we should schedule him for vascular surgery. Go into the carotids, find the aneurysm, repair it.

Cameron: If we put him on blood thinners, he might bleed out.

House: But if Foreman’s right about it being bacterial endocarditis, and we – [Foreman raises his hand.]

Foreman: I think Chase is right.

House: Okay, if Foreman used to be right about it being blood clots, and we take the surgery route, then we’ll probably kill the guy. So, start him on blood thinners, and if he has another stroke, then we’ll schedule the surgery. [He opens the door to his office.] Yeah?

Myron: You Dr. House?

House: I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but yes.

Myron: Ramona said I should come to you for my refill. [He holds up a pill bottle.] Uh, with, for the beginning to droop? [He demonstrates with his finger. House takes the bottle.] She said you’d probably want to talk to me first.

House: She lied. [He hands Myron a script.] Here you go.

Myron: Thanks.

House: Always happy to make people happy. Goodbye.

Myron: I – I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

House: How much more of what?

Myron: [whispers] Sex.

House: You don’t want more sex?

Myron: My golf swing is all messed up.

House: Hey, here’s a radical thought. Talk to her.

Myron: The truth?

House: Sounds crazy when you put it like that.

Myron: Oh, Ramona’s got a big appetite. If I don’t perform, I don’t want to lose her. [He sighs.] You got a pharmacy around here?

House: In the hospital? Could be. Let’s see if we can find it.

[Cut to our favorite pharmacist. House walks up, motioning for Myron to wait by the clinic desk.]

House: Got any blue pills?

Pharmacist: [raising his eyebrows] You looking for ED medication?

House: Well, that’s one example of a blue pill. Name six others.

Pharmacist: There’s a brand of acetaminophen out…

House: Perfect. Fill her up. [House nods to Myron. Cuddy walks up.]

Cuddy: Dr. House.

House: Little busy here.

Cuddy: I heard about Dr. Cameron’s conditions for coming back to work.

House: It’s purely business. I’ll make sure you get the recipt.

Cuddy: Well, I think it’s a good thing. What happened in your last relationship, it’s no reason to wall yourself from people forever. 5 years of self-pity is probably enough.

House: Wow. Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.

Cuddy: Well –

House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about. [Cuddy smiles.]

Cuddy: Bear in mind Cameron’s probably the only female that can tolerate you. Wear the sky-blue shirt. It almost makes you look nice.

[Cut to Chase checking up on Harvey.]

Harvey: They said she couldn’t come back into the hospital. They won’t let me see her.

Chase: Harvey, you’re lucky she wasn’t arrested. What were you thinking, doing that at a hospital? [He holds out his hands.] Squeeze my fingers?

Harvey: [doing so] I was scared.

Chase: I need you to squeeze with both hands.

Harvey: I am.

[Cut to the team walking down the hallway.]

Chase: Weakness in his right arm and hand. Harvey’s having mini-strokes; the blood thinners aren’t making a difference.

House: Stop the treatment. [to Foreman] Sorry, we tried your way, you could not have been wronger.

Foreman: I said Chase was probably right.

House: Oh yeah, we’ve all got perfect 20-20 hindsight. Get a hold of Main in vascular, see if his surgical dance card is free for tomorrow. [Chase and Foreman leave. Cameron clears her throat.]

Cameron: About tomorrow night.

House: You couldn’t keep your mouth shut.

Cameron: I didn’t see any reason to. Where are we going? I want to make sure I dress appropriately.

House: That would be army boots and t-shirt. It’s the county paintball tourney. First prize is fifty bucks; I’ll split it with you if you hold your end up.

Cameron: I’m not sure if that was the deal.

House: Relax. I made a reservation at Café Spiletto. Regarding wardrobe: are you too young to remember spandex?

Cameron: I’ll figure something out.

[Cut to Chase talking to Harvey.]

Chase: The surgery will repair the damaged blood vessels in your neck and your strokes will stop.

Harvey: All this is because of the strangulation?

Chase: More like strangulations.

Harvey: My parents were right. I’m a loser. I don’t know what to do. [starting to panic]

Chase: Harvey, calm down.

Harvey: I need to talk to Annette.

Chase: You can do this on your own. Surgery’s the only –

Harvey: She hates me. I’ve been calling, I’ve been calling and she’s not picking up.

Chase: Harvey, you don’t need –

Harvey: [crying] I can’t, I can’t. [Chase is baffled. He looks around, and walks to the side of the bed and leans down.]

Chase: [in a commanding-ish tone] Harvey, you will do what I say.

Harvey: I don’t want surgery!

Chase: Sign the consent. Sign it!

Harvey: I can’t do anything. No surgery! No surgery! No surgery! [He pushes the form away.]

[Cut to the team in Diagnostics.]

Cameron: We could give him anti-depressants, see if he changes his mind.

Chase: I already did. Mashed them up in his applesauce, it’ll lighten him up soon enough.

House: Someone should just tell him to do it. Way faster.

Cameron: Except that’s forgery. Also illegal.

Chase: And I already tried.

House: Not you. Where’s a good dominatrix when you need one?

Chase: Annette’s barred from the hospital.

House: If you get caught, Cuddy’s got a hairbrush. And believe me, she knows how to use it.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase ushering Annette into Harvey’s room.]

Harvey: They let you come back.

Annette: Not because you deserve it. You’ve been bad. You will have the surgery, do you understand? [Harvey just smiles.] Do not laugh at me. You will respect –

Harvey: Where do you get off telling me what to do? Get out of my way, you back-faced witch.

Foreman: [quietly, to Chase] Is that part of their deal, or…

Annette: This isn’t like him. [Harvey starts groaning.] Something’s wrong.

Harvey: Get out! [He starts to push Annette.] Get out! [Chase and Foreman move to hold him down.] Get out, get out! [Harvey knocks over the tray with dishes on it before Chase and Foreman get his arms.

Foreman: Emotional swings, he’s having another stroke. Harvey! [The monitors beep and Harvey’s eyes roll up.]

Chase: He’s crashing. Can we get a cart in here?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Lawyer: So, what’s that, two strokes you’ve scared this guy into?

House: Yeah. It’s making me question my view of myself as a people person.

Lawyer: Now you want to do surgery on him without his consent.

Cuddy: The kid’s in a coma, he needs the surgery!

Lawyer: He said no. We can’t do it.

House: Emergent situation, invoke heroic measures.

Lawyer: You need a court order.

House: Great, where do I get me one of them? Do I need to lawyer up?

Lawyer: I’ll need to show the judge an affidavit from next of kin.

House: Well, they might have a problem signing anything seeing as how they’re dead.

Lawyer: He’ll want proof.

House: Like what, dad’s hand? I don’t even know where they’re buried.

Lawyer: Bring me a published obit or a death certificate and we’ll run with it. I don’t want you to mess up your clothes.

[Cut to the team walking in the hallway.]

Cameron: His parents were accountants, maybe there’s an obit in the trade papers.

Chase: They guy lives in Market Town. I don’t know if he grew there, but we could check the local funeral home.

House: Great, and when your searches turn up nothing you should try to find out where they live.

Foreman: He said they were dead.

House: Accountants, they’re usually pretty good with money, so how come he lives in a slum like Market Town?

Cameron: Maybe they were bad accountants.

House: Two bad accountants from the Pacific Rim? The odds are astronomical.

Foreman: Maybe Harvey burned through their money.

Chase: Or maybe they cut him off when they found out about his proclivities.

House: That’d be my bet. Go to his apartments. See if you can find his folks. Address, number, something. [House walks into his office. Foreman follows him.]

Foreman: Hey, can I talk to you?

House: Sure.

Foreman: Look, Cameron’s a friend. This whole dating thing –

House: [turns on the TV] Time’s up. Thanks for playing.

Foreman: Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently.

House: Way ahead of you. I’ve got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we are gonna get all the way down. Now move. [Foreman sits on the TV, which was not what House had in mind.]

Foreman: Come on, you’re not into her. Most guys who aren’t interested in a woman try to sugarcoat it, be nice.

House: Oh, you know me too well.

Foreman: That’s what I’m saying. I think you should go with your instincts here. Be a jerk.

House: I’m missing my soap for this?

Foreman: Women love to be right. You’ve got to leave them feeling superior. Like they’ve dodged a bullet. If you’re nice, she’ll blame herself –

House: And fall for me even more. The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. ‘Cause you’re convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.

Foreman: [laughing] Yeah, I’m the one with the serious ego problem here. I’m just saying: some relationships aren’t meant to happen. [Foreman leaves.]

[Cut to Chase and Cameron going through Harvey’s apartment.]

Cameron: Harvey’s school registration.

Chase: [going through a closet] Permanent home address? Emergency contacts?

Cameron: Annette Raines.

Chase: [finding collars and a slew of tic-tacs in the closet] Mistress Annette. You have to extort a date out of House. You think that’s a bad sign? Cameron?

Cameron: High school yearbook. [She raises her eyebrow, seeing Chase with all the collars.] Think this might give us a clue, Sherlock? [Chase takes a couple packs of tic-tacs, because he is all of a sudden concerned about his breath.]

Chase: House isn’t going to hand you anything. You want him, you’ve gotta take him. Jump him.

[Cut to Foreman, Cameron, and Chase calling different families that they think might belong to Harvey.]

Foreman: Harvey. H-a-r-v-e-y.

Cameron: I’m sorry to have bothered you. Thank you. Okay. [She hangs up her phone.]

Chase: Yes, Harvey Park. [pause] Great, we’ve been looking for you! I’m calling from the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Harvey’s here, and it’s rather… He hung up.

Foreman: You tell him why you were calling?

Chase: I didn’t get a chance.

Foreman: Call back.

House: I’ll do it. [He flicks a yo-yo in Chase’s face.] Let the master show you how it’s done. [Chase takes a few tic-tacs as House dials.] Mr. Park? This is Dr. House calling from Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey. Your son Harvey is dead. We need you to identify the body. Yes, I’m sorry, it’s the law. [Cameron is shocked, Chase rolls his eyes, and Foreman is grinning. House hangs up and takes the mint box from Chase.] There’s a real art to delivering bad news.

Cameron: They’re gonna show up at the morgue.

House: Be sure to let me know when Cuddy starts screaming. [Chase takes the second mint box from his pocket and eats a few more.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, featuring an upset Mr. and Mrs. Park.]

Cuddy: You lied to them!

Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.

House: It’s only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he’ll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush hour traffic.

Mrs. Park: I’m calling our lawyer.

House: Fine. Just as soon as you sign this surgery consent. I have a pen. [Mrs. Park takes out her cell phone and dials.]

Mrs. Park: [on the phone] Marilyn Park for Mark Lerner. Yes, I’ll hold.

Cuddy: Harvey’s your son. I’m sure you still care about him.

Mr. Park: He humiliated us. Everybody we know knows about his perversion.

House: But you don’t get off on embarrassment the way your son does. I guess it skips a generation.

Lawyer: How much money would it take to compensate you –

House: Yeah, you guys can haggle in a minute. But here’s the thing. Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son’s a perv, that’s pretty high up there. People finding out that you’d rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where’s that rank? And trust me, if I have to paste up a sign in every nail salon and dumpling shop in Pennsylvania, I’ll make sure they know. [He offers them a pen. Mrs. Park turns off her phone and signs the paper.] Your son will be in surgery first thing in the morning. Dumplings, that was a cheap shot. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron, sitting at her desk. Wilson enters Diagnostics through House’s office.]

Wilson: Hi. Are you, uh, can we talk?

Cameron: Gee, I wonder what this is going to be about.

Wilson: I just want to make sure no one gets hurt.

Cameron: I will be fine. Everybody’s acting like I’m going out with Jack the Ripper.

Wilson: Oh, it’s not you I’m worried about. [Cameron stares at him.] It’s been a long time since he opened up to someone, and I… you better be absolutely sure you want this because if he opens up again and gets hurt, I don’t think there’s going to be a next time.

Cameron: You’re worried I’m going to break his heart?

[Cut to House’s residence. He’s trying – without much success – to put on a tie. Wilson is watching from the couch.]

Wilson: The wide side’s too short. You’re gonna look like Lou Costello.

House: This is a mistake. I don’t know how to have casual conversation. You think you’re talking about one thing, and either you are and it’s incredibly boring, or you’re not because it’s subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair –

House: I have been on a date.

Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. Her dreams, hopes and aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I’ve got some.

House: Did your wife give them to you?

Wilson: Drug rep. They’ve got antibiotics built in, somehow.

House: I should cancel. I’ve got a patient in surgery tomorrow. [House moves to the kitchen.]

Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That’s a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer, too.

House: [looking in the fridge] No beer.

Wilson: You’re gonna eat before dinner? [House reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage. Wilson gets up to investigate.]

House: This is pretty lame, right? [Wilson smiles.]

Wilson: I think she likes lame.

[Cut to… dinner with House and Cameron! Dun dun dun!]

Cameron: [putting on the corsage] It’s beautiful. And you look very handsome.

House: Thank you.

Cameron: I’ve always loved this restaurant.

House: Yeah. It’s changed a lot since the last time I was here. It used to be a strip joint. [Cameron laughs.] Nice earrings.

Cameron: My mom’s. Thank you.

House: Nice shoes. Comfortable?

Cameron: I’m not expecting you to be someone you’re not.

House: We’re in a restaurant, we’re dressed up, we’re eating. If not small talk, what is there? [Awkward pause of doom.]

Cameron: [setting down the wine list] According to Freud, and I’m paraphrasing, instinct of love toward an object demands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can’t control the object or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punching a girl.

House: I treat you like garbage, so I must really like you. Given your Freudian theory, what does it mean if I start being nice to you?

Cameron: That you’re getting in touch with your feelings.

House: Hmm. So there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make you think that I don’t like you.

Cameron: Sorry, no. I have one evening with you, one chance, and I don’t want to waste it talking about what wines you like or what movies you hate. I want to know how you feel about me.

House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn’t perfect. That’s why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don’t love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you’re looking for your new charity case. That’s why you’re going out with me. I’m twice your age, I’m not great looking, I’m not charming, I’m not even nice. What I am is what you need. I’m damaged. [He picks up his menu, leaving Cameron to think.]

[Cut to surgery the next morning. Foreman and Chase are watching from the window; Cameron walks up.]

Foreman: Came in late. Had a good time last night?

Cameron: How’s the surgery going?

Chase: Harvey’s doing fine so far. How’d the night go?

Cameron: It was fine, how was your evening?

[Cut to House talking to Wilson at the desk by Diagnostics.]

House: She had the ravioli, I had the puttanesca.

Wilson: Yes, I really want to know about the quality of the food. Either something very good happened, or something very bad. Which is it?

House: Well, I did have a little indigestion afterwards. Maybe it was the garlic bread.

[Cut to the Ducklings.]

Cameron: Or the wine. Something made my eyes puffy.

Foreman: Yeah. Crying in your pillow can do that.

Cameron: It was the wine. We had a nice, candid conversation.

[Cut to House and Wilson, walking.]

House: Nothing deep, mostly small talk.

Wilson: I’m sure.

House: Took your advice, complimented her shoes, that’s fifteen minutes of chat right there.

[Cut to the Ducklings.]

Foreman: No snide comments?

Cameron: I guess, when we talked about you guys.

[Cut to House and Wilson, by the vending machine.]

Wilson: Just answer one question:

[Ducklings.]

Foreman: You two going to do dinner again?

[House and Wilson.]

House: I don’t think so.

[Ducklings.]

Cameron: I don’t know.

Surgeon: [calling from the OR floor] Hey kids, you were wrong. No aneurysm, no nothing. This guy’s clean.

[Cut to the team at the white board.]

Chase: Which means we’ve got no idea what’s causing the strokes.

Foreman: He’s had two more post-op. We won’t know the extent of the damage until he comes out of the coma. If he comes out.

Cameron: Maybe we should go back to the blood thinners, up the dosage.

House: If it’s not clots, a loading dose of blood thinners is gonna make him bleed out of his ears. Then he won’t be able to hear. [Myron and Ramona tap on the glass of Diagnostics.] Oy ve. [yelling] Nobody home, leave a message!

Myron: This is important!

House: Chase, Cameron, get another angiogram and echo. Better get a full-body scan. If it is clots, it’d be good to know where they are. [They all file out of the office; House goes to talk to Myron and Ramona.] Sorry about that. Guy dying.

Ramona: Those pills you gave Myron, they’re not working.

House: Well, glad to see you’ve got the correct perspective on the thing.

Myron: Well, the old ones, you know, made me feel like a tree!

House: Nice visual.

Myron: The new ones, well, might as well be eating candy.

House: Candy wouldn’t take away your headaches.

Ramona: What?

House: You came to me and told me that you were having too much sex.

Ramona: I never did!

House: You too, Sequoia.

Myron: Well no, that’s not true, I…

House: I know that everybody lies, but you’d think that after a certain amount of time together you wouldn’t be trying so hard. [Myron fidgets with his wedding ring.] Your rings don’t match.

Ramona: What, well, why would they?

House: Well, style is one thing, but one silver, one gold? How long have you guys been married?

Ramona: 49 years.

Myron: [simultaneously] 55 years.

House: Damn it, you’re having an affair.

Ramona: Did you really say you wanted to have less sex.

Myron: Well, less. If I wanted none I’d stay home with Esther.

Ramona: I just need a little rest.

House: You guys aren’t the victim of the little blue pill, you’re the problem!

Myron: I’m sorry.

Ramona: Me, too. I should just have told you how I felt.

House: Aw. [Myron takes out a breath spray and sprays his mouth.] Oh, welcome to hell. [House closes his eyes as Myron and Ramona kiss in front of him. And it hits him. He takes the tic-tacs he took from Chase out of his pocket and starts to walk off.]

Myron: Hey, how ‘bout the pills?

House: Looks like you guys are good to go drug-free for a while.

[Cut to House cornering Chase, who is eating more tic-tacs. Man, I want some tic-tacs now.]

House: Dr. Chase, these breath mints you’ve been popping since yesterday. Are they a new fetish?

Chase: Oh, I got them at Harvey’s. What, I just took two boxes; the guy’s got a whole drawer of them!

House: And you didn’t find that interesting.

Chase: Well, there’s lots of interesting stuff at his place. The mints weren’t high up on the list.

House: Wrong.

[Cut to the team entering Harvey’s room. House opens Harvey’s mouth.]

House: Chase, get your nose in here.

Chase: If you’re trying to humiliate me, I told you –

House: Come on, just put your face in his mouth. [Chase does so, and then recoils.]

Chase: Ugh.

House: Rich, wouldn’t you say?

Chase: Uh. Smells like old vomit.

House: Number one sign of fulminating osteomylitis.

Cameron: Infection of the jaw?

House: Probably from the original break. Never healed properly. [CGI demonstrates.] Infected tissue from the jaw breaks off, blocks blood flow to the brain, and life just isn’t worth living without blood.

Foreman: It was hidden from the scans by the metal plate.

Chase: And an infection of the jaw isn’t likely to show up on blood tests.

Cameron: So how do we confirm?

House: Like this. [He sticks a syringe in Harvey’s jaw, pulling out pus from the infection.] Ladies and gentlemen, we have pus. [He hands the syringe to Chase, and takes the tic-tacs from him, eating a few.] We’re gonna remove the jaw. Anybody got a buzzsaw? Okay, call a surgeon.

[Cut to the surgery, with Cameron, Foreman and Chase looking on.]

[Cut to House, entering Harvey’s room, where a nurse is checking on things. Harvey’s all wrapped up in many, many bandages]

House: Hi, I’m Dr. House. [to the nurse] How’s tricks, Annette? [The nurse turns, and it is indeed Annette in nurse’s scrubs.]

Annette: I just wanted to see if he was okay. I’ll leave.

House: No, it’s okay. I came to talk to you both. Like I tell all my patients, you’ve simply got to say “no” to strangulation. Me, I’m a freak, I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies.

Annette: He’s not a freak.

House: Yeah, he is. A little. But it’s got to stop. Or he’ll die.

Annette: It’s not about pain. It’s about being open, being completely vulnerable to another person. If you can learn to be that deeply trusting… it changes you.

House: Well, lock him in a cage. That should be fine, medically.

Harvey: Dr. House. Were my parents here? Did they come to see me? [House just leaves.]

[Cut to House’s office. He’s looking at a photograph of two people, but the identities of the people are unclear. End!]

Tags: season 1
Subscribe

  • Episode Guide

    In Progress Pilot Summary: Rebecca, a kindergarten teacher, collapses in front of her students and is taken to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching…

  • House MD - 1.22 The Honeymoon

    Originally Aired: May 24 2004 Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & John Mankiewicz Directed by: Fred Keller Transcribed by: Mari (…

  • House MD - 1.21 Three Stories

    Originally Aired: May 17 2005 Written by: David Shore Directed by: Paris Barclay Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie) DISCLAIMER: We…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 3 comments