Written by: Marqui Jackson
Directed by: Sanford Bookstaver
Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Open on a view of a clinic exam room through the open blinds. House is listening with a stethoscope to a sixteen-year-old girl’s breathing. Her father stands next to the table.]
House: How long has your daughter had trouble breathing?
Father: About a week now.
House: The best dads wait two or more.
Jane Doe: Yeah, no, it's not like it's serious. I-I checked online, and it's… asthma or something.
House: "Or something" is the number one killer of teens with no medical degree. When was the last time he took you to see a doctor?
Jane Doe: Uh, like five months ago. We went a clinic in Trenton. I had strep throat.
House: You remember the antibiotic they gave you? Is it neomycin?
Jane Doe: Amoxicillin. [House nods slightly. She passed that test.] So about the inhaler for my asthma, I was—
House: Sorry! Hospital policy specifically prohibits me from giving meds to unrelated homeless people pretending to be father and daughter. [to the father] Your pants are a size too short, so either you grew a couple of inches or you grabbed the closest size in a thrift store. [to Jane Doe] And only you have dimples, which are adorable, but they're also an x-linked dominant genetic trait. Which actually doesn't prove anything. The fact that you didn't burst into tears tells me that you never thought he was your dad.
Jane Doe: [to her faux-father] Let's get out of here.
[She jumps off the table and grabs her backpack and jacket. The father is already at the door.]
House: Since you're the brains of the operation, might wanna stick around.
Jane Doe: What, so I can get busted by Social Services?
House: No, so you can stop bleeding out of your ear. [She puts her hand to her right ear. There’s a stream of blood from it to her jaw line.] It's usually a sign of a skull fracture. Someone been using your head as a soccer ball?
Jane Doe: No.
House: Much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it. [He runs his hands over her head.] No tenderness, no pain. Looks like you might actually be telling the truth about something. [He gets an otoscope from the drawer and looks in her ear.] Ear canal is fine. [checks her forehead with his hand] You don't have a fever. Pay the man. He's late for a trashcan fire.
[Jane Doe takes two cans of Budweiser from her backpack. Her father takes them and leaves.]
Jane Doe: Would you - would you tell me what's going on? What's wrong with me?
House: I have no idea.
[END OF TEASER]
[Cut to a diner. A plate of pancakes with syrup and sliced strawberries is placed on the table. House is in the corner of a boot, facing the door. The team enters.]
Taub: Why'd you ask to meet us 30 miles away from the hospital?
House: [picks up his right leg, plops it on the table and pulls up the pant leg to show his monitor-less ankle] Because I can. Also, Chris Christie's blog says the pancakes here are the best. So… what do we got on this 18-year-old with the ear bleed and the breathing problems?
[Taub sits next to House. Adams and Park slide in, facing them. Chase pulls up a chair and sits at the end of the table.]
Adams: CT confirms no skull fracture. And looking at her confirms she's not 18.
House: Yes, she is. Says so in the file.
Adams: We can't treat an underage patient without a guardian. We need to call Social Services.
House: I cut a deal with the patient. We don't call, she doesn't bolt.
Taub: Whatever age, living on the street makes her vulnerable to malnutrition, drug use, H.I.V., all things which could explain her symptoms.
Chase: [checking the file] No sign of malnutrition. Tox screen is clear. S.T.D. panel was negative. [looking toward the door] And… is that Foreman?
[Foreman and Anita have just entered the diner. House feigns surprise.]
House: Oh, my goodness, it is! [waves his hand widely] Hi, Dean Foreman! [House picks up his phone and starts taking pictures. Anita heads for a table in another part of the restaurant. Foreman comes over.] Are you not gonna introduce us because we're married? Oh, no, wait — that's her.
Foreman: She's a pharmaceutical rep, and this is a working breakfast.
House: In a restaurant that's nowhere near your home or the hospital.
Foreman: Chris Christie recommends the pancakes. [leaves]
Chase: Squamous cell middle ear tumor could have caused the ear bleed. Paraneoplastic reaction caused the breathing problems.
[House takes a few more pictures and smiles slightly as he looks at this phone. On the other side of the diner, Foreman and Regina study their menus.]
Taub: Middle ear looks completely normal. But there is thickening in the lining of the wall of the third ventricle. Could be a sign of cerebral infection.
Adams: Would explain the lack of fever. Pneumococcus is pretty common among the homeless population. We should find out if she's been vaccinated.
House: Sure, ask her, and when she refuses to tell you anything, start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus.
Taub: And if she says she has been vaccinated?
House: Then don't believe her, and start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus.
Adams: How about we don't believe she's gonna bolt and we call Social Services?
House: While I'm in the little boys' room, you can pretend that I'm seriously considering that idea.
[He heads off. Park points in the opposite direction.]
Park: The bathroom's that way.
House: Pretty sure there's one in the hospital.
[He grabs his jacket from the coat hooks and leaves as the waitress gives Taub House’s tab.]
[Cut to Jane Doe’s room. Taub is hanging an IV bag while Adams talks to the patient.]
Adams: When I was your age, I ran away. Lived on my own. At the time, it seemed—
Jane Doe: Oh, let me guess. Life with mom and dad was kind of a drag. So you just ran away, lived with friends, and partied with guys that you knew your parents would hate. And then when you got tired of being a rebel, you just went home. Being homeless isn't a vacation for me. And I'm not acting out. My life at home sucked, so I got the hell out of there.
Taub: There are other options besides living on the streets.
Jane Doe: Right, like group homes, where you're packed in with as many messed-up delinquent kids as possible; foster parents who only take you in because you're a meal ticket.
Taub: I can think of easier ways to make 175 bucks a week.
Jane Doe: No, you're right — I really should roll the dice and hope for a pair that don't ruin my life the way that my mom— Get your hands off my stuff!
[Adams has opened Jane Doe’s backpack.]
Adams: The stuff might tell us more about why you're sick. A history textbook. You go to school?
Jane Doe: I don't plan on being homeless forever.
[Cut to the clinic. House enters an exam room. Two members of the Confederate Army are there. George, standing, is of low rank or no rank at all. Sheldon sits on the exam table. His jacket sleeves are covered with gold braid.]
George: [bad southern accent] Hello, good sir. My brother, the General here, gots the green-apple quickstep.
[House, gapes as he closes the door. He turns and looks closely at the calendar on the wall which is open to January 2012.]
House: One of us is in the wrong time zone. And if it's me, I need to talk to a stockbroker and anyone from the Kennedy family, in that order.
George: Well, he got the runs, and we do need him up and at 'em for battle tomorrow.
House: It's hardly authentic, coming to a newfangled clinic, especially with a Yankee doctor.
[“General” Sheldon hops off the table, sword clanking. He clicks his heels slightly as he addresses House in a southern accent as bad as his brother’s.]
Sheldon: Sir, are you questioning my resolve?
House: Yes, and your sanity. I'm multitasking.
[Sheldon starts to leave. George stops him.]
George: Uh, General… Don’t light out. We swore that we would see the elephant together.
House: Well, far be it from me to come between two nut jobs and their "elephant." [He gets a bottle of milk of magnesia or antacid from a cupboard and hands it to Sheldon who looks at it suspiciously.] I could add some mercury, if you want to make it more authentic.
George: The Confederacy thanks you, Doc.
[Sheldon leaves. George salutes House and follows his brother. House shakes his head in disbelief.]
[Cut to the cafeteria. Foreman and Taub are at a table. Chase joins them.]
Chase: Got House's phone. Deleted all photos of you and Anita.
Foreman: I owe you.
Taub: An affair? Never knew you were such a tramp.
Foreman: Neither did I. Anita, she's fun, smart. Not looking for anything serious. It's-it's… pretty perfect. Except for the gnawing guilt about the husband. The lies she must be telling him.
Chase: But not guilty enough to stop seeing her.
Taub: She's smoking hot, and it's not his job to protect her marriage.
Foreman: Aren't you supposed to be pointing a finger at your own life as a cautionary tale?
Taub: If not for cheating, I might still have a wife, but I wouldn't have Sophie and Sophia. Which means I wouldn't be preparing for their visit this week by child locking all my cabinets, padding table corners, and getting rid of every single magazine.
Chase: You could probably just hide the porn in your underwear drawer.
Taub: Magazines go away so I won't ignore my children. I know I have to pay attention to them. I want to pay attention to them, but they're just so… boring.
[Chase and Foreman grin at each other. Taub’s cell phone rings.]
Taub: Did you learn anything at Jane Doe's school?
Adams: They did a bunch of vaccinations, including pneumococcus. Take her off the ceftriaxone.
Taub: So we're back to square none?
[Cut to Adams and Park searching a kitchen.]
Adams: Not exactly. The name she registered under seems to be fake, but the address is a foreclosed house. We'll let you know what we find.
Park: [checking the cupboards] Plenty of food, water.
Adams: [opening another cupboard] And beer.
Park: She eats well. Goes to school and makes good grades. She's a homeless girl who's captain of the volleyball team.
Adams: How can you be okay with this? Your mom sends you to work with snacks.
Park: I want and need parents. Jane Doe is flourishing without them.
Adams: Maybe. [looking under the sink with a flashlight] But this mold definitely is.
[Cut to Jane Doe’s room.]
Jane Doe: [furious] You went to my school. Now that they know, they'll report me. I can't go back there!
Adams: You may have a fungal infection. You need that medicine.
Jane Doe: Fluconazole, right? [getting out of bed] I'll get it at a clinic. [collapses on the floor] Ohh! Oh. I can't feel my legs. Hey, wha— is that the infection?
Adams: I don't think so.
[Adams helps her up.]
[END OF ACT ONE]
[Cut to House wearing a classic red and black plaid jacket with a brown, visored hat and a hearing-protecting headset. The camera pulls back to reveal he’s holding a break-action, double-barreled shotgun. The team, sensibly, stand behind him. Only Taub wears a headset.]
House: So… What causes an ear bleed, breathing problems, and our runaway's inability to run away?
[He takes a new shell from his pocket and loads the gun.]
Chase: Fungal infection's off the table. What about transverse myelitis?
House: Not with normal posterior column function. [pumps the barrel] I've been waiting to do this for months. Pull! [The team members cover their ears. Someone from the range pushes a button and a clay pigeon flies from right to left in front of House. He shoots. He misses. He stares at the target as it sails away, then inspects the gun.] Sights seem to be off on this.
Adams: We didn't call Social Services before because we didn't want the patient to take off. Now she can't. There's no reason for us not to call.
House: Well, how about the reason that there's no reason? This is working fine for me. Pull! [A new target flies past as House shoots at it and misses again.] Well, now, that one clearly took evasive action.
Adams: You want to protect her because you think she's fine on her own, outside the system.
House: Does anyone have a position on our patient's medical condition?
Taub: Could be endocarditis with septic emboli.
House: Pull! [another miss] [to Taub] I'd turn around and shoot you, but apparently I'd miss. There's no murmurs, no Osler nodes.
Park: You've never done this before, have you?
House: No, I have not. But all the time I had my ankle monitor on, I was furious that I couldn't.
Chase: Vasculitis fits.
House: [nods] Start treatment with steroids. She's lucky, she'll be free to flee again.
Adams: Not once I call Social Services. I'm not giving up.
House: You wanna bet? [shows her a shotgun shell] One shot, one birdie. You hit, you make the call. You miss, never mention it again.
Adams: No. Why would I agree?
House: 'Cause your only other option is you call and I fire you.
[Adams takes off her gloves and takes the gun from House. As she closes the breech, he puts his headset on her. She cocks the gun.]
[The birdie shatters. She opens the gun and the spent shell pops into the bucket. House gapes at her.]
[Cut to Jane Doe’s room. A woman with a clipboard stands by the bed. Adams walks out, leaving them alone. Cut to the hall outside the room where Adams joins Taub.]
Taub: She responding to corticosteroids?
Adams: Looks like it. And Social Services.
Taub: I thought for sure there'd be some yelling or profanity, possible bloodletting.
Adams: She's tired of living on the streets after all. I'll bet House re… gret… [She stares at the social worker’s open-toe pumps with three-inch heels.] Could he know I'm good with a gun?
Taub: I don't know how, but…
[Cut to Foreman’s office.]
Foreman: Hiring a hooker to pretend to be a social worker?
House: She took a bet that she knew she'd win. Frankly, I feel violated.
Adams: What happened to the social worker I called?
Foreman: Apparently, someone identifying themselves as Dr. Pujols called and said the patient ran off.
House: [giggles] Come on. "Poo holes."
Foreman: I've informed Social Services of the mistake and given Jane Doe's description to the cops. They'll track down the parents.
Adams: Thank you. I'll leave you and Dr. "Pujols" alone. [leaves]
Foreman: You should have told me you were treating an underage clinic patient.
House: I was giving you the gift of deniability.
Foreman: Now I'm giving you the gift of additional clinic hours.
House: [smug] No, you're not.
Foreman: [smug-er] You've got nothing on me. Check your phone.
House: Uh… my phone? Oh, right. Yes, I-I did have some pictures on that. But… I also have these. [He pulls a small stack of glossy prints from his pocket and drops them on Foreman’s desk one at a time.] There's the two of you kissing over dinner. Busting a move in a night club. Is that your hand near her nether regions? Thanks again for taking off the ankle bracelet.
Foreman: I'm not gonna let you blackmail me, House.
House: Oh, of course not. There's no way someone of your integrity would let me compromise your job in any major way over some tawdry bit of gossip. But what about compromising it in a minor way? Reduced clinic hours. Unlimited Internet porn budget. That makes much more sense than the nuclear option of ruining both our lives. You can keep these. I got copies. [leaves]
[Cut to the clinic as House leaves Foreman’s office. He inhales deeply and joins Wilson at the desk.]
House: How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man.
Wilson: Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.
House: [sniffs again] No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing. I'm protecting myself from meddling bureaucrats and parents.
Wilson: You admire this girl. She had a horrible home life, so she went out on her own. She's your road not taken.
House: I've always dreamed of living in an abandoned house with mold.
Wilson: House, all I'm accusing you of is having a connection with a patient. This is a good thing.
House: It's not a good thing, 'cause it's not a thing.
Wilson: It is a thing… which she'll prove when her parents show up and you start protecting her from them.
[House pops a red lollipop in his mouth and watches Wilson go.]
[Cut to Taub’s living room. He’s on the floor with Sophie and Sophia. He has a puppet on each hand.]
Taub: The sound I make is, moooo! The sound I make is, quack quack quack quack quack. [Baby coughs. Taub looks around, bored, and notices a magazine under the couch.] Moo. [He tickles one of the girls with the cow puppet and gives it to her. He reaches for the magazine and gives his other daughter the duck puppet.] The sound is quack. Quack quack. Quack quack quack.
[Both girls stare at the puppets in their laps.]
[Cut to Taub and Adams walking down a hall at the hospital.]
Taub: I'm an ass. On the plus side, I can now program my DVR from my phone.
Adams: They are kind of boring. All kids, not just yours.
Taub: Very helpful.
Adams: You need to log more hours. Eventually, you'll pass boredom and get to bonding. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome.
[They reach Jane Doe’s room. She’s out of bed and packing.]
Jane Doe: I heard the nurses talking. You called Social Services for real.
Adams: Because you shouldn't be living on your own.
Jane Doe: Right, better my mom should use me as a punching bag.
Taub: If your mom abused you, Social Services won't let you go home with her.
Jane Doe: Have I mentioned I don't trust the system?
Adams: We don't know if you're better yet. You can't just take off.
[Jane Doe starts to answer but stops to stare at the two women who enter the room.]
Taub: Uh, can we help you?
Brown: I'm Adele Brown from Social Services, and this is—
Ellen: I'm Ellen Rogers. Callie's mother.
[And Jane Doe has a name.]
Callie: You haven't been that for two years.
Ellen: I promise, things are different.
Callie: Mom… two sentences in, and you're already making promises.
Brown: Okay, maybe we need to take a minute here and give Callie some space.
Callie: No, I don't need a minute. I need her out of my life. [starts coughing]
Ellen: Is she okay?
Callie: I will be once you just…
[She coughs blood onto the table.]
Ellen: Oh, my God!
Taub: We need help in here!
[Callie continuing to cough as two nurses run into the room. One pulls Ellen away from the bedside. The other helps Taub and Adams as the later starts to suction the blood from Callie’s throat. Callie looks terrified.]
[END OF ACT TWO]
[Cut to House shouting.]
Announcer: And they're off!
[The team is sitting at a large, round table. There are a few gray, concentric rings painted on it. The finish line, around the edge of the table, is red as is the center circle. A net over the center is raised, revealing two large turtles. Mr. Chips has a gray circle around the edge of his shell with a red line inside that. The number “3” is painted in the middle and “Snap-Off” is on one side. Franklin’s entire shell is painted gray with a pair of green and red racing stripes down the middle, running from front to back. The number “7” is in a circle in the center of his shell.]
Adams: You bet 100 bucks on a turtle race?
House: I paid Mr. Chips 5 bucks to take a dive.
[The crowd cheer. The two turtles sit in their circle.]
Adams: The bleeding stopped on its own. She got worse after being on steroids, so autoimmune is out.
Park: Diagnosis depends on whether the blood was coming from the sinuses, lungs, or her guts. [Mr. Chips has wandered away from the center circle.] Mr. Chips looks like he wants it. 100 bucks says he'll make soup out of Franklin.
[The crowd cheers the turtles on.]
House: You're on.
Adams: How'd the mom seem to you?
House: If you're asking him if she looks like someone who beat her kid, you're a moron.
Parks: Move your ass, Mr. Chips!
[Mr. Chips has moved a few inches off the center circle and is following a gray circle. In the meantime, Franklin has meandered toward the red finish line. He stops in front of the team, looks at House and Taub yelling at him and makes a sharp U-turn, passing Mr. Chips on his way back to the center.]
Adams: You should have seen her face when mom walked in. Callie hates her. I don't think she's lying.
Chase: Because people never lie about people they hate. Big sinus bleed could be sinusitis and a bleeding disorder.
Taub: She didn't complain about a headache.
Adams: The bleeding is in her gut. Could be Zollinger-Ellison. Acid reflux causes asthma, and the acid erodes the stomach, causing the bleeding.
[Franklin kept turning. He finally crosses the finish line a few feet past the team.]
House, Taub and Assorted Bettors: Yes!
House: Franklin rules. Mr. Chips drools. [to Park] Mr. Chips's owner only feeds him on apples and bananas. Nowhere near enough vitamin A. Pay up. [Park hands over the cash.] And do an upper endoscopy to confirm for Zollinger-Ellison, after Mommie Dearest has given her permission.
Adams: Ellen shouldn't have consent if she beat her daughter.
House: Doesn't matter if she beat her daughter. Only matters if Social Services says she beat her daughter. Good thing you made it all official.
[Cut to a hallway. Adams is getting Ellen’s signature on the consent form.]
Ellen: Will the endoscopy be painful?
Adams: Is that an issue? It's a medical procedure. There will be some discomfort.
Ellen: I never meant to hurt my daughter.
Adams: And yet you hit her.
Ellen: She told you that?
Adams: And now you're gonna tell me you didn't. [She starts to walk away.]
Ellen: I'm a drug addict. And I've been a lousy mom. [Adams comes back.] Especially since my husband died. I mean, he was closer to Callie than I was, and I missed him… so much. And it was too hard. And taking Oxy just… made things easier. Right up until it made me lose my daughter. I hurt Callie a lot. But one of the only things that I can feel okay about is that I never hit her.
[Cut to Foreman opening the door to his apartment, letting Anita in.]
Anita: Didn't peg you as the midday fun kind of guy. So glad I was wrong.
[She starts to kiss him. After the first one, Foreman breaks it up and backs away.]
Foreman: Ohh. Unfortunately, that's not why we're here. Remember that guy from the restaurant yesterday?
Foreman: He's got pictures of us. He's threatening to show your husband.
Anita: I thought you said that guy was one of your best doctors.
Foreman: Not one of my best people. We've gotta stop seeing each other.
Anita: Not necessarily. I told my husband about you.
Foreman: What? [She smiles.] Why?
Anita: He was saying that things had been better lately between him and I, that I was happier. I said that I was. And that you were the reason.
Foreman: And… he was okay with that?
Anita: Not initially. It was a pretty tough conversation. Neither of us is ready
to give up on the marriage. And I am not ready to give up this. You don't have to feel so guilty anymore.
[She starts kissing him again and he kisses her back.]
[Cut to a white cloth bandage being unwrapped from around a gruesome, bloody foot. George, still in uniform, is back in the clinic. He moans as House exposes the wound. House is grossed out.]
House: You didn't need to shoot yourself. I could have given you a Section 8.
George: [in a Yankee accent] We've hit the drills pretty hard, and by the fourth round, my hand went numb. The-the gun slipped and— I only had blanks in it, but…
House: It's funny how nearly shooting your toe off cured that speech impediment.
George: Ah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Sheldon's a… progressive.
House: Eh — compared to who? Rupert Murdoch?
George: Progressives are reenactors who strive for complete authenticity. They never drop character while in uniform.
House: Whereas you just dabble in crazy.
George: [sighs] Sheldon and I had a big falling out years ago. We only really started talking again because of the reenactments. They, uh… gave me my brother back.
House: That's a very moving story. Be a lot more affecting if you hadn't bonded over something so completely idiotic.
[House starts cleaning the would. George hisses.]
[Cut to treatment room. Adams and an orderly wheel Callie in for her upper endoscopy.]
Adams: Your mom didn't hit you, did she?
Adams: Then why'd you lie about it?
Callie: Because I wanted to get out of here. People understand getting hit more than what my mom does.
Adams: Tell me. Maybe I'll understand.
Callie: [thinks then shrugs] Well, I was the mom. She couldn't keep a job. Spend all her money on pills. I had to get a job. Double shifts, just to keep the power on. Keep food in the house. I couldn't tell you how many times she nearly O.D.ed and I had to clean her up and put her in bed. So… I decided, if I was gonna be the grown-up, I'd rather do it on my own terms.
Adams: [nods] Your mom knows she messed up. She's determined not to do it again.
Callie: Yeah. And she'll feel that way, right up until things get too tough and she has to start using again.
[Cut to Chase doing the procedure. He and Adams observe Callie’s digestive tract on a screen. Callie is unconscious.]
Adams: Do you think people can change?
Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because… people don't change.
Adams: Stop. Is that an ulcer?
Chase: Yeah, it is. But we haven't reached the stomach yet. I'm still high in the esophagus. Means it's not Zollinger-Ellison.
Adams: Ulcer's bleeding. [The screen goes red.]
Chase: We need to lavage before she drowns in her own blood.
[He tilts Callie forward. She coughs blood onto the floor.]
[END OF ACT THREE]
[Cut to Diagnostics. The team is at the table. House is making coffee.]
Chase: Cauterized the ulcer, stopped the bleeding.
Taub: Compromised immune system from living on the street could have made her susceptible to HPV.
Adams: HPV was covered on the STD panel. She's negative. What if she didn't get this from being homeless? What if she got it from her mom?
Park: I'm assuming you're thinking something genetic, because—
Adams: I'm thinking addiction. Alcohol-induced esophagitis.
Chase: Explains esophageal ulcers and her other symptoms.
House: [joining them] If only it would explain why we've never seen her drunk, drinking, or detoxing.
Adams: Her blood pressure's been elevated. Could be the DTs.
Taub: It's been mildly elevated.
House: Mildly elevated BP could put her at risk of a Berry aneurysm. Weak blood vessel in the brain gets pounded on by elevated BP, causes it to expand and contract. Causes the symptoms to come and go.
Adams: CT didn't show any signs of an aneurysm.
House: Did I mention they come and go? Much as your presence may cause objects to become engorged with blood, sometimes aneurysms just aren't in the mood.
Adams: Alcoholism and Berry aneurysm are both valid theories. I think we should discuss this with the patient and her mom.
House: Why? We discussed it right here. Go tell 'em she needs a cerebral angiogram to locate the aneurysm, then surgery to repair.
[Cut to Callie’s room. Taub and Adams are talking to Callie and Ellen.]
Callie: Brain surgery? When?
Taub: We booked the O.R. for an hour from now.
Ellen: And Dr. House is sure that's what she has?
Taub: He's confident in the diagnosis. It's consistent with all of her symptoms.
Callie: [studying Adams’ face] But you don't buy it.
Adams: No. I think your symptoms are the result of alcohol abuse.
Callie: But I'm not — I'm not an alcoholic.
Adams: You came to the hospital with beer in your pocket. We found more alcohol at your house.
Callie: Yeah, I use booze as payment. I have an occasional beer with my friends. That doesn't mean I have a problem. I want the surgery.
Taub: Actually, it's your mom's decision.
Callie: I'm not an addict.
Ellen: That's what I always said to you, Callie, but I had a problem—
Callie: I'm nothing like you! Tell them to do the surgery.
Ellen: I need a few minutes to think. [leaves]
[Cut to House’s office.]
Adams: The patient asked me what I thought.
House: I pay you to think inside this room. Outside this room, I pay you to parrot.
Adams: It's her choice. She has the right to know!
House: It's a medical choice that you turned into an extension of your baggage and hers. You told the mom something you want to believe because you don't want to believe that this girl might be doing fine parent-free. Which also happens to be what the mom wants to believe.
Adams: You think she wants to feel responsible for her daughter's illness?
House: That woman sees everything to do with her daughter through… guilt-colored glasses. It's all her fault. [He exhales loudly then starts to leave.]
Adams: House… don't… bully her. She's overwhelmed enough.
House: Well, it's nothing compared to how she's gonna feel when her daughter dies from the aneurysm she decided not to treat.
[Cut to the lobby. Ellen is on a bench, staring at the waterfall. House joins her. He rubs his leg, pops open his pills and takes a Vicodin or two. Ellen looks at the medicine bottle, transfixed.]
Ellen: You must be Dr. House.
House: I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid. Your daughter has a Berry aneurysm. She needs surgery. What she does not need is you making this or any other decision.
Ellen: Well, I can't just leave this up to her.
House: Then leave it up to me, and just leave.
Ellen: Ohh. I'm not gonna abandon my daughter.
House: She hates you. [long pause. Ellen finally nods, acknowledging the truth of that statement.] It's actually not such a big deal. There's plenty of kids who hate their parents. What makes it a big deal is that she should hate you. Playing the biology card doesn't change anything except where she lives. Your daughter is better off without you. So… let her be better off without you. I'm gonna do the surgery. I'll take the fallout from Social Services.
[He gets up and leaves. Ellen looks down and sees that he left his pills. She slides her hand down her leg and slowly picks up the bottle.]
[Cut to House, walking down the halls.]
Ellen: [loudly] Dr. House! [He turns.] My daughter's care is my choice. And so is this. [gives him his Vicodin] Treat her for alcoholism.
[Cut to Taub’s apartment. Chase is on the floor, playing with the girls who are in baby seats. Taub and Foreman are behind them, in the kitchen.]
Chase: Peek-a-boo! [babies laugh]
Foreman: Why would Anita tell her husband about our affair?
Chase: Probably just got sick of lying. Look at it this way. Now the sex is both commitment- and guilt-free. [switches to baby talk voice and turns to the girls] And men love commitment-free sex. Yes, they do. Oh, yes, they do! [Taub bangs a bottle on counter. Chase talks to him in his normal voice.] They're gonna find out eventually. Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
Taub: How do you keep doing the same thing over and over with the same level of enthusiasm?
Chase: First off, be a decent, empathetic person. [to Foreman] This is what you said you wanted, but you're actually more upset now that her husband knows.
Foreman: 'Cause I'm hurting him.
Taub: You always were.
Foreman: Yeah, but he didn't know that. Which means he wasn't really hurt. Yeah, I know it's a rationalization, but it went a long way to making me feel… a little less guilty about seeing her.
Chase: Looks like you're gonna need a bigger rationalization. [back to the babies] Ahh… peek-a-boo! [baby laughs] Peek-a-boo!
[Cut to Callie’s room. Adams is talking to her. Ellen is trying to sleep on the sofa in the waiting area.]
Adams: Social Services report came in on your mom.
Callie: Ah, let me guess. She passed with flying colors. She always does.
Adams: I think she might make it this time. House left a bottle of Vicodin to see if she'd steal it. She gave it back. You could at least let her sleep in the room.
Callie: She could have listened to me about my drinking. I mean, even if you are right about it, why take your word over mine? I'm her daughter.
Adams: Because it… She's your mom. And, for the first time, she's acting like it.
Callie: It's a little late for that. Good night.
[She turns her head on the pillow away from Adams and shuts her eyes.]
[END OF ACT FOUR]
[The next morning. House is wearing his overcoat and carrying his backpack. He gets in the elevator and turns around. He punches the button rapidly but, before the doors close, Wilson jumps in.]
Wilson: I heard you went head-to-head with the mom.
House: Not for your reasons.
Wilson: You're protecting the girl.
House: I'm protecting my diagnosis.
Wilson: And you tested her — see if you could get her back on drugs and out of her daughter's life.
House: That was to show Adams that Mommie Dearest hadn't changed. I'm taking a principled stand against idealism.
Wilson: Your patient's stable? Well, maybe Adams was right. The illness is alcohol-related.
House: Well, I hope so, considering it's what we're treating her for.
Wilson: You-you hope you're wrong for the sake of the patient?
House: I hope that I'm right but the aneurism bursts without killing her. Call me a softie. [They get off the elevator.] Or the mom agrees to an autopsy so I can prove it.
[They split up. Wilson walks to his office. He opens the door. Taub is there.]
Taub: Your patients love you because you're empathetic.
Wilson: I also have kind eyes. Why are you here?
Taub: But you don't love all your patients?
Wilson: Of course not.
Taub: I'll-I'll bet some of them bore you.
Wilson: Dull people get cancer too. Why are you here?
Taub: But you… fake an interest in them because you needed to, right? And if you do it long enough, it becomes real?
Wilson: Well, no, because the interest isn't fake.
Taub: Really? [tries again] Because you realize they're not dull. It was just your misinterpretation of them.
Wilson: I just haven't found a way to make them interesting yet. It's all about common ground. You find one thing you both like or hate. John Woo movies, romance novels, kale… [realizes he’s not getting through to Taub] Sometimes, the best way to connect with someone is stop thinking about them and focus on yourself. Wh-uhh. What is this about?
Taub: Not everything has an agenda. See ya.
[He leaves. A confused Wilson stays.]
[Cut to a restaurant. Anita and Foreman are in a booth.]
Anita: I told him because it was the right thing to do.
Anita: This doesn't change anything between us.
Foreman: It… sort of does for me.
Anita: Y-you want to stop seeing each other?
Foreman: No. I was thinking… maybe you could tell your husband that we did.
Anita: And then go back to sneaking around behind his back?
Anita: Why would you want to do that?
Foreman: I don't know. I… This just feels… wrong.
Anita: I th-I think I'm gonna go. [leaves]
[Cut to the clinic. George, who has a metal crutch under one arm thanks to his foot, has his arms wrapped around a trash can. He vomits into it, loudly. Sheldon rushes over to hold and share the can. House walks in in time to witness the spew.]
George: Ohh, God. We thought it was the salt pork.
Sheldon: [still in character] But all the menfolk been eatin' it, and we the only ones that's sick.
[George vomits some more while Sheldon holds the can. House picks up Sheldon’s jacket that he’d placed on a stool. He sits.]
House: Which one of you is the cheap bastard? [Sheldon makes a “huh”-type grunt.] Your uniforms. They're not wool. They're polyester. Cheap polyester. Which gets processed with a heavy metal called antimony. You wear badly processed polyester all day and night for days and nights, you get antimony poisoning, which caused your diarrhea and your numbness in your hands. And your collective vomiting.
George: Polyester uniforms?
Sheldon: I was being authentic.
George: With polyester uniforms?
Sheldon: The Confederacy gave men $21 every six months—
George: You poisoned us both.
Sheldon: At least I have principles.
George: Because they don't cost anything.
House: Brother against brother. Now, that is authentic.
[They both vomit in the trash can again as House leaves (without treating them for heavy metal poisoning.)]
[Cut to Callie’s room. Ellen walks in slowly. She’s holding a small, white paper bag.]
Ellen: I know you don't want me here, but, um… They had banana muffins downstairs. Reminded me of our St. Pete's trip. [puts the bag on Callie’s table.] Remember? We used to walk and get some every morning at that bakery.
Callie: I guess. [Ellen starts to leave.] Were you high on that trip?
Ellen: [turns back] Not when we were together. I used to wait until you went to bed.
[She starts to leave again.]
Callie: You can stay. If you want.
[She sits down as Adams, who has been watching the whole exchange, tiptoes out.]
Callie: [opening the bag and taking a bite.] Mm. It's not bad.
[Callie’s eyes roll back in her head and she passes out as alarms beeping.]
Ellen: What's happening? [Adams rushes back] Is this from the alcohol treatment?
Adams: I was wrong. The Berry aneurysm must have just burst.
[END OF ACT FIVE]
[Cut to an O.R.]
Adams: Temporal lobes are clear. Parietal, clear.
Chase: Get me a micro-vascular clip tray as well as the occlusion.
House: [on speaker from the observation deck] Check the ventricles.
Adams: Ventricles are clear too.
House: Aneurysm must have leaked instead of burst. Inject the dye.
[Adams watches the monitor.]
Adams: Posterior cerebral clear. Vertebral clear. Circle of Willis also clear. She doesn't have a Berry aneurysm.
[House thinks. Chase and Adams are looking up at House, waiting, when an alarm beeps]
Chase: Her BP's dropping. Start her on pressors. We gotta get her BP up before her organs start shutting down.
House: Adams… with me.
[Her spot at the table is filled in by someone else.]
[Cut to Diagnostics. Chase is apparently still in surgery. The rest of the team is standing around the table.]
Adams: Pressors will only give us a couple hours, Max.
Taub: What causes breathing issues, bleeding issues, paralysis, loss of consciousness? What are we missing?
Adams: That's everything bad that's happened. What about the good stuff?
Park: You mean like we should be more optimistic?
Adams: She got a little better when we put her on steroids, which can attack tumor cells. Maybe she has cancer.
House: No hypercalcemia, no elevated blood proteins.
Adams: She and her mom mentioned a trip they took to Florida a couple years ago —what about dengue fever? Cholera?
House: Great ideas, if dengue fever or cholera laid in wait for two years before suddenly…
[House has his “eureka” moment and leaves.]
[Cut to the waiting area where Ellen sits.]
House: Did your biological daughter go swimming in Florida? In a lake or a pond or an Everglade?
Ellen: Uh…yeah. There's a canal near my mother's house. Do you know what's wrong with her?
House: Family vacations kill. [He heads into the O.R.] Come with me. Don't want to explain this twice.
[Cut to the O.R. An unscrubbed House and Ellen walk in. House stops her from going all the way into the room.]
Chase: You're letting in the flies. And she needs an LVAD.
House: No, she doesn't. Your daughter has ascariasis. It's a disease caused by a parasitic worm found in feces. Animals use the canal as a potty, the eggs from the feces ended up in Callie's intestines when she went swimming… [CGI of Callie’s intestines] where they hung out, quietly and asymptomatically, biding their time till, somewhere along the way, they got knocked loose. Maybe a dive in volleyball practice or maybe she slipped on her way into a soup kitchen. But once they hatched, the worms got to work on her lungs, her ear, the nerves in her legs. The worms got agitated by the steroids we gave her, which started them on their journey to the esophagus and, ultimately, to the heart. A few pills of Mebendazole… She'll be fine.
[He turns to leave and holds the door open so Ellen will leave, too.]
[Cut to the hallway outside Callie’s room.]
Ellen: She's feeling much better. Walking on her own.
Adams: Getting along with her mother?
Ellen: As long as I keep bringing her muffins.
[They reach the room. The bed is empty.]
Ellen: Did someone come take her for a test?
[She checks the bathroom. Adams sees a folded piece of notebook paper addressed to “Mom” on the bedside table. House glowers from the nurses’ station as Adams leaves Ellen alone with the note.]
Adams: Callie agrees with you… that people don't change. She said when her mom slips again, she didn't want to be there. She'd rather remember her like she is now.
House: Smart girl.
Adams: You got the ending you wanted.
House: 'Cause I was only looking to solve the case, not their lives. Now, I don't care if the people who work for me are screwed up. In fact, I even encourage it. But absolution? You do that on your own time. [pause] Or not at all. 'Cause… clearly, you suck at it.
[Cut to Taub’s living room. He watches, bored, as the girls sit in their chairs, cooing. One of them drops a pig on the floor. He pushes a box of toys to them and leans back in his chair as Foy Vance’s “Be the Song” begins playing. Taub sees a sports magazine on the coffee table. He looks at it, at his daughters and back to the magazine. He caves and picks it up. He flips through it and holds it up to show the girls a page.]
Taub: This is Aaron Rodgers. Wow, 127 quarterback rating. You know what sound he makes? Grrrrr! [Sophie and Sophia laugh. Taub smiles. He sits on the floor and opens the magazine to another page.] Okay. Oy! Um… This… is Terrell Owens. People call him "T.O." Do you know what sound he makes? Wah! Wah! [He laughs along with the girls.] Wah! Wah! Wah!
Taub: This is Mark Sanchez. Do you know what sound people make about him? Pffftt! [He blows a raspberry.]
[Cut to the hospital lobby. House gets off the elevator, wearing his coat. He sees Foreman, who isn’t dressed for a New Jersey winter.]
House: Working late? Husband have her tonight?
Foreman: And every night. She broke it off. It's for the best. I'm not really an affair guy after all.
House: Sure you are, buddy. You just lost interest once it stopped being an affair. That's why you're relieved. But don't worry — it's not gonna end here. You'll just have to get your adrenaline fix somewhere else. [He opens the Vicodin bottle.] When that doesn't do it anymore, then you'll just… escalate things somehow. [swallows pills] At least, that's what I've been told.
Foreman: I'm not like you, House.
House: True. No limp.
[He leaves Foreman standing at the desk, staring after him.]
Chris Christie is the Governor of New Jersey.
“Seeing the elephant” is an archaic term referring to experiencing new and exotic thing. WordOrigins.org