Originally Aired: January 23, 2012
Written by: Kath Lingenfelter
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes
Transcribed by: MarionSDISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[The scene opens on a couple sitting in a car. The woman, Natalie Tavares, is sitting in the driver’s seat while her husband, Andres Tavares, is sitting next to her. He seems confused.]
Natalie : We're in the car, honey. We're going to the hospital for tests.
[Next, they are both walking down on of PPTH’s hallways.]
Natalie : We're in the hospital. We're going to the Doctor's office.
[Andres is still confused despite his wife’s reassuring words. Next, they are sitting in Dr. Shriya Banerjee’s office. They are both listening to the doctor.]
Dr. Banerjee : Can you tell me what this is called? [She holds up a can-opener.]
Andres [speaking with a light Portuguese accent]: Uh, you use it to get food from inside.
Dr. Banerjee : Yes, but what's it called? Is it a spatula?
Andres : No.
Dr. Banerjee : Good. Is it a can opener?
Andres : Uh, no, it's, um… it's, um… You're trying to make me look stupid. [Suddenly, he rises, full of rage.] You can go to hell! Why don't you kill yourself?
Natalie : Andres. [She stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder.] It's okay. [She keeps a quiet voice and it seems to calm him down.]
Andres [smiling] : There she is.
Natalie : Here I am. Here, come on. [She strokes his arm and finally they both sit down.] You just need to answer a few more questions. Then we're going home. We'll have lunch, okay?
Andres : Okay. [He turns to the doctor.] I'm sorry. I have Alzheimer's.
Dr. Banerjee : I know.
Natalie : The mood swings come on quickly, but, um… It's under control.
Dr. Banerjee : Don't worry. He's actually perfect for the drug trial.
Natalie [surprised and somehow relieved] : Oh. Thank God.
Dr. Banerjee : We can start as soon as next week.
[Suddenly Andres starts coughing violently.]
Natalie : Andres… [Andres vomits blood.] Oh, my God! Andres…
[House is walking down the hallway leading to his diagnostic room. He is wearing his coat and has his backpack on the shoulder. We hear Foreman presenting a case to the team inside the room.]
Foreman : Early onset familial Alzheimer's. Brazilian descent. Blood chemistry showed high ammonia. Vomiting stopped after the E.R. put him on antiemetics.
Park : Any recent health issues?
[The team is sitting around the table while Foreman is walking around, handing out copies of the file. He sits down, House walks in, looking not really thrilled to see his boss here.]
Foreman : Just a sore throat a few weeks ago.
Chase : How advanced is he? Could be hyperalimentation.
Foreman : Advanced enough, but no IV feedings. The wife shut down a floral company to stay home and feed him every meal he's had in the last four years.
House : Do we owe this case to your guilt at having ignored your own forgetful mommy?
Foreman : My guilt over my mom is why I put up with my dad. You're taking this case because we're running a phase-two trial on an Alzheimer's drug.
House : You couldn't round up enough doddering old Guinea pigs. You need us to fix this little piggy?
Foreman : I'd like to sit in. Especially since you're short a team member.
House : You mean Taub? [Pointing at his backpack] Got him in here.
Chase : He asked for a personal day. His daughter's sick.
House : Isn't that the point of having a spare? I denied his request.
Foreman : After I'd already approved it, which you knew because I sent you a memo.
House : Dr. Adams… taped under your chair is an index card. Would you read it, please?
[Adams reaches under her chair for the index card taped there and reads it aloud.]
Adams : "Wednesday, 2:43 p.m., a black Pawn will believe he's the black King and attempt to capture the… white head of diagnostics."
[House takes a bow.]
Park : It's 10:15 on Friday.
House : Damn it. Look, the point is I saw this coming. Dr. Foreman and I did not always see eye-to-eye. But he never had the power to overrule me. Now that he has the power, he won't be able to resist the temptation to use it. With great power comes great micromanaging. And great vests.
Foreman : I know you're the better diagnostician. I'm not gonna interfere. I'm only here to help.
Park : Could be transient nitrogen load from a G.I. bleed.
Chase : Not if the vomiting's persistent.
House : Which we won't know, because the E.R. put him on antiemetics. Take him off. [He sits down at the other end of the table, facing Foreman.]
Foreman : Wait. He's puking his guts out. We'd risk aspiration. [He smiles] I'm just disagreeing, not overruling.
House : So glad you're on board. Take him off antiemetics, do an upper endoscopy to check for bleeds.
[They all get up to leave the room except House.]
[Cut to an exam room in the clinic where Wilson is performing a physical exam on a pretty young woman. Her name is Kayla.]
Wilson : It could be a bladder infection. We'll run a pregnancy test.
Kayla : Oh, I'm not pregnant.
Wilson : Any type of birth control can fail.
Kayla : Not mine.
Wilson : Oh, I'm sorry. You said you were married.
Kayla : Yeah, happily.
Wilson : That's okay. Sex can wane in any marriage over time.
No, no. We've never had sex. Oh, we kiss and cuddle, but neither one of us is interested in sex.
Wilson [covering surprise] : You're… both celibate.
Kayla : No, neither of us. Celibacy is a choice. This is our orientation. We're asexual.
Wilson [looking down at his file, embarrassed] : Not quite sure what box to check here.
[Cut to a hallway. Foreman and Chase are walking together.]
Chase : You're making a mistake. If I had the power to veto him, given all the crap I've put up with over the years, don't know if I could use it objectively.
Foreman : I do, I can, I have.
Chase : Might be easier if you'd stay out of the room.
Foreman : I thought it'd be different. This week. Supposed to talk to his P.O. about getting his ankle monitor off early.
Chase : You're saying he should defer to you?
Foreman : No, I'm just saying what he's doing doesn't seem rational, which makes me think it's rational in a way I'm not privy to. He always has a plan.
Chase : And he's always self-destructive. He may just be shooting himself in the ankle.
[Chase continues walking, leaving Foreman alone to consider his words.]
[Cut to the patient’s room. It is filled with some of Andres’ personal items: pictures, books, a trophy. A whiteboard is hung by his bed where it is written “You are at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. Today is Friday. Also there are pictures of Chase, Park, Adams and Foreman with their names written under them. Chase guides an endoscope down Andres’s throat. He is awake. Park assists him and Natalie is watching them.]
Natalie : I know it feels strange. Dr. Chase is just looking in your throat. We're in the hospital. You're fine.
Chase [noticing the trophy] : That's a pretty nice trophy, there, Andres.
Natalie : He coached youth soccer. Took a team that was 0-6 all the way to the state finals at Long Branch. Hey, thanks for doing this in here. Switching rooms can be very disorienting.
Park : You take very good care of him.
Natalie : I love him. Sickness and health, right?
Chase : Upper esophagus is clear. Moving on to the G.E. junction.
[A man enters the room. His name is Joseph. Natalie seems relieved to see him.]
Natalie : Hi.
Joseph : Hey.
Park : I'm sorry. Family members only during procedures.
Joseph : Uh, I'll— I'll be outside.
Natalie : Oh, no. Please, um, it's okay. Joseph helps me with my husband sometimes. He's a good friend.
Park : Which means not family.
Chase [to Natalie] : Wait, we're gonna be here a while. Why don't you show Joseph where the visitor's lounge is?
Natalie : Okay. [She leaves the room with Joseph. Chase stares at park who seems oblivious to the situation.]
Park : What?
Chase : Surprised you didn't go into the diplomatic corps.
Park : Oh, you think they're… [She bumps her fists together.]
Chase : No, if they're having sex, it's probably with their genitals. [He notices something on the monitor.] Mallory-Weiss tear. Vomiting must have torn the lining.
[Cut to the cafeteria. House and Wilson are having lunch together. Both are reading: Wilson, a psychology journal and House, a Japanese manga entitled バッド・メディスン (Bad Medicine vol. 9, Eat It.) FYI: It’s a fake.]
Wilson : You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual?
House : We really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it.
Wilson : I have a patient who's asexual.
House : Is she a giant pool of algae?
Wilson : It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least.
House : Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness weekly?
Wilson : She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years.
House : To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them.
Wilson : He's asexual too. Ran a complete physical on her. Nothing wrong except a common bladder infection.
[House puts down his manga.]
House : 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn't want to have sex.
Wilson : You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my patient.
House : Fine. I won't go near her. Just give me her file and any blood samples you have left over.
[House holds out his hand to shake on it. Wilson lifts a finger as he considers the bet.]
Wilson : No contact, whatsoever. You talk to her, the bet is void.
House : No contact. Plays to my strengths anyway.
[They shake hands.]
[Cut to Foreman’s office. He is at his desk, doing paperwork. House enters, followed by Adams, Chase and Park.]
Foreman : Right now's not a good time, House.
House : Not for the Dean of Medicine. But it's a perfect time if you're a member of my team. Which one are you?
[Foreman gives in and gets up.]
Foreman : What did the endoscopy show?
Chase : No signs of ulcers or blockages.
[Foreman pulls up Andres’s file on his digital lightbox.]
Foreman : But you found a tear just below the esophagus. Explains the bleeding.
Park : Doesn't explain why he vomited so hard he ripped his insides.
Adams : His liver enzymes are slightly elevated. Gallstones could've—
House : no complaints of pain.
Foreman : Steatohepatitis would make his AST and ATL levels rise.
House : Are you calling his liver fat? Start the patient on statins, and do a biopsy to confirm. And knock him out. I've heard he's a wiggler.
Foreman : There's no need to put him under. We can confirm fatty liver with an ultrasound. [House looks to Foreman pointedly.] Just making an observation.
House : Well done. Now, as a member of my team, you can make the equally-useful observations that the sky is blue, I'm wearing pants, and I'm ignoring your first observation.
Foreman : Of course.
[House and the team head for the door. Foreman returns to his paperwork when he realizes something.]
Foreman : Wait.
[They all stop.]
House : And there it is.
Foreman : You're trying to screw with my confidence.
House : Well, if I wanted to do that, I'd tell you how much the nurses hate you.
Foreman : You're trying to get me to define myself as a subordinate to keep me from ever intervening, even if it's fully in the scope of my duties. Like now. This isn't about diagnostics, it's about what's safe for the patient. Do the ultrasound.
House : Ultrasound it is. And the nurses love you.
[Cut to another hallway. Chase and Adams wheel an ultrasound machine toward Andres’s room. They see Foreman close by, waiting for them.]
Foreman : You don't think I knew House was gonna tell you to ignore me and not do the ultrasound?
Chase : This is an ultrasound machine.
Foreman : Which you're gonna use to do an ultrasound-guided biopsy. Probably got a kit stashed here…
[Foreman searches the cart but instead of a biopsy kit, he finds another index card. He reads and frowns. Curious, Adams takes the card from him.]
Adams : "Cuddy dark will waste his afternoon chasing conspiracy theories."
Chase : You're letting him get inside your head. He could do a lot of damage in there.
[Natalie comes out of Andres’s room.]
Natalie : Dr. Chase. He started vomiting again.
[They all enter. Andres is in bed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.]
Chase : This is why we stopped the antiemetics. We needed to see if it was still a symptom.
Natalie : Okay. Here, you want this?
[She brings a bowl over to Andres to vomit into but he pushes it away.]
Andres [agitated] : Get your hands off me. You're taking my head.
Natalie : It's okay, Andres. You're in the hospital. Here. [She strokes his arm trying to comfort him, but he lunges at her and punches her so hard that she’s knocked back. Foreman and Chase rush over to control Andres.]
Chase : 10 milligrams of Diazepam!
Foreman : Already on it.
[Adams rushes to Natalie’s side. She cut her hand and she’s got a bruise on her jaw. Foreman sedates Andres.]
Natalie : I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm all right.
[Chase and Foreman notice blood on the front of Andres’s gown. Probably from his urine.]
Chase : Foreman.
Foreman : Blood in his urine.
[Cut to the hallway. House is standing in front of a vending machine buying a candy bar. The team is with him.]
Adams : Resume the antiemetics and increase the sedation. He really went after her.
Park : Maybe he found out about her "good friend."
Chase : It was just paranoid rage, typical of Alzheimer's. We don't even know if they were sleeping together.
Park : A few hours ago you were sure.
House : And that's significant why?
Park : Sorry. Only the bleeding's medically relevant.
[They all start walking down the hallway. House is opening the candy’s wrap and takes a bite.]
House : No, I wasn't being rhetorical. If they are sleeping together, why do we disapprove?
Adams : You're pro-infidelity?
House : She's not married. If marriage is feeding and cleaning someone, limiting conversations, to repeating a few simple commands, then I was married to my pet rat. And a lot of people owe me wedding gifts. [House sees Foreman and suddenly turns around to continue on another way.] And we're walking, we're walking.
Adams : I don't care how sick your spouse gets, you don't jump ship.
Chase : Alzheimer's is different. She can't share her problems with him, or plan for the future. The man she married no longer exists.
Adams : Yes, he does. He's in there. This is why you get married.
House : Said the divorced woman to the divorced man.
Adams : I didn't jump ship. My husband sank it when he cheated on me. Commitment's not conditional.
Chase : She is there for him in the only way that matters now. She gave up her life to take care of him.
House : Which proves she's an idiot. If she had any sense, she'd have stuck him in a facility and jumped on that strange—[Foreman is standing in their way.] Dr. Foreman! We were just looking for you.
Foreman : I was right about the antiemetics. If you kept him on them like I said, he wouldn't have gotten agitated and punched his wife.
House : Yes, we're back to my supposed diabolical plan to shake your confidence. Let's see if this helps. [They are now in House’s office.] If you're speaking as a team member, then I'd say you're a moron. Because taking him off the antiemetics gave us crucial diagnostic information. If you're speaking as Dean of Medicine, then I'd say you're a moron. 'Cause your micromanaging kept us from doing a biopsy. If we had, the patient would have been anesthetized hours ago, thus unable to go all Chris Brown on her ass.
Foreman : Unless one of your index cards actually predicted the guy was gonna punch his wife, everything you're saying is post hoc rationalization.
House : Dr. Park, would you please reach under that chair? [House sits down on his chair. Park is sitting on the other side of his desk. She reaches under the chair House pointed at and finds an index card.
Park : "The patient will punch his wife." [They all smile.]
Foreman : You clearly wrote that after the fact.
House : Dr. Adams, would you please reach into my pants? [Of course she doesn’t. House reaches in his pocket and retrieves yet another card.]
House : "Dr. Blackenshmurtz will accuse me of writing about the punch after the fact." Now, look. Here's a photograph of me holding a newspaper. [He holds up the picture for everyone to see: it’s him with the note and the newspaper.] Dated last Tuesday. Now, how could I have gotten my hands on that?
Foreman : You done? Rhabdomyolysis fits the vomiting, pigmenturia, and renal failure.
Adams : No muscle symptoms, and urine had no myoglobin. TTP fits, though.
House : Start him on plasmapheresis. Unless… unless I need to say, "mother, may I?" And mother is an abbreviation. [They all leave his office.]
[Cut to the hallway in front of Andres’s room. He is asleep in his bed. Chase is talking to Joseph and Natalie, who is holding an icepack to her eye. Her hand has also been bandaged.]
Chase : Fresh plasma will replace the damaged red blood cells that are clogging his kidneys.
Joseph : That sounds hopeful.
Chase [pointing at Natalie’s eye] : How is that feeling?
Natalie : I've never been hit in the eye before. I feel kinda badass. [To Joseph] I think maybe you should go. I'm fine. Okay?
Joseph : I’ll see you tomorrow. [He gives her a kiss on the forehead and leaves. Chase feels out of place.]
Natalie : Okay. [To Chase] We're not having an affair.
Chase : It's none of my business.
Natalie [almost crying]: I mean, not— not really. 'Cause nothing's happened. We've talked about it a lot, and… it's just really hard doing this by myself.
Chase : When's the last time you had a full night's sleep?
Natalie [blows] : Um… I don't know. Three years.
Chase : You're not going to get any rest here. People who are sick are not the only ones who need to be taken care of. [He leaves.]
[Cut to the lab where Park and Adams are working on Wilson’s case because of House. He is sitting next to them, not doing much.]
Park : Why doesn't Chase have to be here?
House : You think he knows anything about women who don't want to have sex?
Adams : Hormone levels are normal. This woman seems perfectly healthy. What does it matter if she says she's asexual?
House : It's the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is. That last one may not be universal.
Park : How about damage to her spinal cord blocking the signals from her genitals?
Adams : Sex drive is in the brain. I suppose it could be psychological intimacy issues caused by childhood abuse.
House : She's been sharing a toilet with the same guy for the last ten years.
Adams : It's not the same. Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.
House : And that's why men always marry their right hands.
Adams : It's different for girls.
Park : No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. [House and Adams look at each other, surprised and speechless.] I live next to a Jewish frat.
House : We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.
Adams : This woman's life is probably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she's immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men.
House [chuckling] : Not a lot of them.
Adams : We've run every test and ruled out all the options. You're gonna have to accept she just doesn't want sex.
House : Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dead, or lying.
Adams : So maybe she's lying. You think she's had a boyfriend on the side?
House : For ten years? Sticking around the whole time? Doesn't make sense. [Thinking…] What does… [He grabs his cane and leaves the room without a word.]
Adams [looking at Park] : 30?
Park : Everybody lies. [She heads out.]
Adams [still confused] : Higher or lower?
[Cut to the hallway by Andres’s room, the next morning. Natalie approaches Chase. She looks better.]
Natalie : Followed your advice and took the night off.
Chase : Seems to have done you some good.
Natalie : Mm-hmm.
[They both walk to Andres’s room to find an empty bed. He is nowhere to be found.]
Natalie : Where's my husband?
[A few minutes later, House, Foreman, Natalie, Joseph and the team are all in Andres’s room.]
Foreman : He's not in the hospital.
Natalie : So he just walked out?
Foreman : All of the shift nurses had their hands full with a double code.
House : Perfectly reasonable explanation. Same thing happened to me. Couldn't find my keys for days.
Foreman : The police have been notified. I have staff searching.
Natalie [accusing Chase] : You told me it was okay to leave.
Chase : I'm sorry.
Natalie : He has Alzheimer's! It's freezing outside, and he's sick! I mean, you don't even know what it is yet, do you?
Chase : The plasmapheresis hasn't had time to work, but TTP is our most likely—
Natalie : Okay, I'm just— I have to go look for him. [She heads out but House stops her with his cane.]
Joseph : Hey, don't be an ass. Can't you see she's upset?
House : No, she's guilty. 'Cause instead of being at her husband's side, she was under you.
Natalie : Okay, that's— y—
House : Yeah, yeah, yeah… He already said I was an ass. Personally, I applaud your decision to step down off your cross and get on with your life, but your misplaced guilt is shutting down your brain. We need you to sit, focus, and answer our questions.
[She obeys and sits down. House walks around the room and stops by the whiteboard. Everything is the same on it except one thing: “Today is Saturday”.]
House : So, at 6:00 a.m., the patient wakes up, and the first thing he sees…
Foreman : In moments of confusion, Alzheimer's patients regress to old routines.
House: So what would your husband do on a Saturday morning?
Natalie : Nothing. Be at home.
Foreman : What about a year ago? Or five years? Ten?
Natalie : I don't know, um, he… he trained for a marathon once. Soccer practice. We took a cooking class.
Chase : That soccer trophy you were telling me about.
House : It's gone. Where was practice?
Natalie : It was close to here. On Chesterfield.
[Cut to the soccer field. It’s covered with snow. Adams, Chase and EMTs are walking around looking for Andres.]
Chase : Okay, he comes, he thinks he's waiting for practice.
Adams : He'd want to get out of the wind. What's somewhere he could see the kids arrive?
Chase [pointing at the side of a building beside the field] : There. Over here.
[They find Andres lying in the snow, passed out and nearly frozen.]
Chase : On three. [They turn him over and put something on his neck to keep it steady.] One, two, three.
Adams [trying to find a heartbeat] : Nothing.
Chase : Not dead until he's warm and dead.
[Cut to the ER. House, Foreman and Park watch Adams, Chase and the EMTs coming in with Andres on a gurney. They are still doing CPR on him.]
House : Get him to the ICU. Start him on extracorporeal circulation.
Adams : That'll raise his temperature too quickly, it'll cause acidosis.
House : We can deal with his metabolism crashing, we can't reverse brain damage if we go too slowly.
Chase : Either way, we don't get his temperature above 95, it's not going to matter.
Adams : Multiple warm lavage is safer.
Foreman : Do what House says.
[Cut to an observation room overlooking the room where Andres is now being taken care of. Adams and Chase are with him. Natalie and Joseph are in the observation room with Foreman.]
Natalie : He has no heartbeat, and he's not breathing. How can he not be dead?
Foreman : The body slows down when it cools, but it doesn't fully stop. We're warming his blood outside of his body, then putting it back. It'll raise his temperature enough that his heart should naturally start. Then we can shock it back into rhythm.
Natalie : And if it doesn't start?
Foreman : Then there's nothing we can do.
[Down in the room…]
Adams : You think it's possible he knew what he was doing? Like some part of him gets what he's putting his wife through, so he tried to—
Chase : Kill himself? It's what I'd do if I were him. At least I wish I would.
Adams [surprised] : I meant run away. You think you should kill yourself if you become a burden to the people who love you?
Chase : If you really l love them back, then… yes.
Adams: That's really dark.
Chase : It's not naive.
Adams : I just believe people are capable of more than you do, apparently. [Beeping] We've got brain activity.
Chase : Temp's at 93. His heart should start soon. My dad left me alone to care for my alcoholic mom and raise my baby sister. I was just a teenager. I spent half my time changing diapers and the other half cleaning up my mom's vomit.
Adams : But it must've been important that you stayed for both of them.
Chase : Mom died after a few years. It was ugly and painful, and she went with me hating her. My sister ended up drinking half of her life away and hating me because I couldn't help. After mom, I had nothing left. So do I wish mom had used a gun instead of a bottle? Yes.
Adams : I— I didn't know.
Chase : That's why I told you.
[Suddenly the monitor starts beeping. They get ready for the next move under Natalie and Joseph’s worried looks.]
Chase : Ventricular fibrillation. 300 milligrams amiodarone. [the defibrillator whines] Careful. Once we establish rhythm, any accidental movement could crash him back into V-fib. [Chase puts the paddles on Andres’s chest.] Clear.
[He shocks his heart and a normal rhythm of beeping is back. Adams gives two thumbs up to the observation room. Natalie is relieved.]
Foreman : We still have a long way to go. Cold can be protective to the brain, but there is a possibility of damage. We also need to confirm and treat whatever's making him sick.
[Cut to the clinic. House is in an exam room with a man, probably in his 30s.]
House : I just gotta do a standard battery of tests. Blood, urine, EEG…
Man [surprised] : Is that really necessary for a free flu shot?
[Someone is knocking on the door.]
House : Excuse me. I have to deal with someone who's having a panic attack.
[House gets up and goes to the door to find Wilson there. He steps out of the room so they can talk.]
Wilson : I specifically said the bet was off if you contacted the patient.
House : Exactly. Never said anything about the patient's husband.
Wilson : The deal was a medical reason why she doesn't have sex.
House : I admit I was stuck, until I realized the medical issue was not hers but his. She's lying to compensate. It's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy says, "I'm asexual." Girl says, "yeah, me too."
Wilson : Your twisted logic can't hide the fact that tricking a patient into being tested is completely unethical.
House : Come on. Don't you think she deserves to know why her husband won't bend her over the kitchen counter? You love all that caring crap.
Wilson : You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You're not even doing this out of medical curiosity.
House : I thought I made it clear I'm doing it for the cash.
Wilson : Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
House : How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?
Wilson : No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.
House : All right, I admit that my natural impulse is to doubt peoples' claims to happiness, but yours is to be a sucker for them. You tell me which one's worse. [He goes back into the exam room.]
[Cut to Andres’s room. Park is performing a medical procedure while Natalie is somehow resting in the chair beside the bed. She wakes up when Andres coughs.]
Park : He just opened his eyes a little while ago. His heartbeat's doing well, and his body temperature is stabilized.
[She stands up and walks to his side, she strokes his arm and he smiles.]
Natalie : There he is.
Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Me sinto quente.
Park : Is that Portuguese?
Natalie : Yeah. Honey, I don't understand.
Andres : Me sinto quente.
Park : What's he saying?
Natalie : I don't know. I tried to learn when we got married, but I just — it's okay. It's okay.
[A monitor starts beeping. Andres seems uncomfortable.]
Park : His body temperature is rising. It's above normal.
Natalie [concerned] : Wait, I thought — I thought you said it was stable. Why is it still rising?
Park : I don't know.
[Cut to the Diagnostics room. The team is sitting at the table while Foreman is by the whiteboard where he wrote all the symptoms.]
Foreman : Vomiting, liver, kidneys, and now fever.
[House clears his throat to interrupt as he comes in the room, from his office.]
House : I don't want to tell you how to do your job, Dr. Foreman, since telling people how to do their job is your job, but when your less-than-competent administration of this hospital affects what's written on my whiteboard…
Foreman : Get to the point.
House : The word "fever." Could come from the patient's illness, or it could come from the fact that you allowed him to saunter out of your hospital and take a nap in the snow.
Foreman : Couldn't have caught a virus while he was outside. Fever came on too fast.
Chase : The hypothermia could've caused cell necrosis.
[House puts a question mark by the word ‘fever’ on the whiteboard.]
House : TTP was the diagnosis when he walked out. Fever's a little high, but it still fits. We should continue plasmapheresis.
Foreman : We're missing symptoms. We should add language loss and aggression.
House : Should we also add forgetfulness? He's got Alzheimer's.
Foreman : We've just been assuming.
House : Because the patient's wife said he exhibited both for a year.
Foreman : He's never hit her before or lost all his English. We have to consider any change since he's been admitted as relevant.
House : Have to? Do I need to pull out another card?
Foreman : Disseminated viral infection with encephalitis. Patient complained of a sore throat a few weeks ago.
House : Start him on Interferon.
[Cut to Andres’s room. He is asleep. Chase and Adams are outside talking to Natalie.]
Chase : Encephalitis makes his brain swell, which causes symptoms that are hard to distinguish from his Alzheimer's. With the Interferon his English should come back, and the aggression should subside.
Natalie : But you're not sure.
Chase : Unfortunately, no.
Natalie : And you're not sure if he has brain damage from being frozen. So best-case scenario, I've just had a glimpse into his future? [Upset] I can't take care of him anymore.
Adams : Chances are his mental state will improve. You could get more time with him.
Natalie : We married six months after I met him. A year after that, he started forgetting things. I've known my husband longer with his Alzheimer's than without. I've watched more of him disappear than I ever got to know. I just can't do this anymore.
[Cut to Wilson’s office. He is doing paperwork at his desk when House barges in.]
House : You lose. Blood work shows high levels of prolactin. [He throws the file on Wilson’s desk.] Add that to some peripheral red-green confusion, puts my money — excuse me, your money — soon to be my money, on a tumor near his pituitary. Probably started growing in his early teens.
Wilson [looking at the file]: Lowering his libido and causing erectile dysfunction.
House : A year on dopamine agonists, and he'll be a sex-crazed creep just like the rest of us, completely fascinated by Susie Cooper. I'd prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar.
Wilson : Hooray for us. We disproved his asexuality. We also probably ruined his life.
House : He'll thank us. Then he'll doze off, and then in a couple hours, he'll thank us again. [He sits down in front of Wilson.]
Wilson : It could destroy his identity. It's like a gay person being told they're really straight.
House : So don't tell him.
Wilson : Yeah, why bother telling a guy he has a tumor growing in his head? He'll notice it eventually, when it starts leaking out his ears.
House : It's a slow-growing tumor. He'll probably die of boredom long before that.
Wilson [pointing at House accusingly] : You always do this. You— you meddle and force me into impossible situations.
House : You knew the second you told me about this case that I'd get involved. You wanted me to meddle. Because no matter how much you wanted to believe in this chaste romance, you didn't buy it either.
[Cut to Foreman’s office. He is going through his paperwork, Nurse Regina is also here.]
Foreman : Where's that petition House's P.O. sent over about getting his ankle monitor off?
Regina : On your desk.
[She leaves, he sits down and looks at the paper in front of him. As he is about to sign, he realizes something. Cut to House’s office. He is sitting at his desk, supposedly working as he is wearing his glasses and writing things on a file. Foreman comes in.]
Foreman : You played me. This whole thing was about your ankle monitor. You weren't trying to undermine my confidence; you were trying to inflate it. You manufactured conflict with me so eventually you could let me win. [Getting angry] You knew it was encephalitis, but you waited for me to say it because then with my ego boosted, you thought I'd be in the mood to take off your monitor because I'd think I could control you.
House : You're right. Take off my monitor. See, the beauty of the plan is that if it works, you think you can control me. If it fails, then you will actually have proven that you can control me. It's pretty genius. [He puts his right leg on his desk so they can both see his ankle monitor.] These are your training wheels. If you think you're up to this job, it's time to lose them. [Foreman looks at him and finally tears up the paperwork he was holding in his hand.] Second half of my plan might need work. [Suddenly both their beepers go off.]
[Cut to the hallway. All monitors are beeping, Andres is on a gurney having a ventricular fibrillation, Chase and Adams are doing CPR. House and Foreman rush to their side.]
Chase : V-fib. Two rounds of 360 without establishing a rhythm.
[House grabs the paddles while Foreman is checking Andres’s pulse.]
Adams : Wait, Dr. Foreman! [She pulls Foreman aways just as House shocks Andres.]
House [innocently] : Clear.
[Andres’s pulse goes back to normal.]
House : He's back.
[Cut to the Diagnostics room where House and the team are.]
House : I sure hope this Alzheimer's drug trial is worth a lot to this hospital, 'cause we're wasting a crap-load of time and manpower just to let this guy watch his mind shrivel and keep his wife miserable.
Foreman : Heart attack while he was on Interferon rules out encephalitis, but I still think I'm right about the neural symptoms. It's probably aseptic meningitis.
Chase : Would have seen meningial signs.
Foreman : Given his abnormal mental status, not necessarily.
House : Dr. Foreman, would you please reach under your chair?
[He does so but only retrieves a piece of gum.]
Foreman : There's just wet gum under here. Where's the card?
House : What card?
Foreman : I'm happy to leave if you have a better theory than aseptic meningitis.
House : Toxins. This guy went on walkabout. Chances are he's done it before.
Foreman : Wife keeps the doors on the house locked.
House : Plenty of nasty stuff to get into during the middle of the night.
Foreman : We asked about toxins on the history. The wife said she was sure to clear the house for her husband's safety.
House : I'm sure she succeeded. She's a PhD in toxicology, right? She's an ex-florist. Search the home for toxic plants, methyl bromide, any medications. [The team gets ready to leave the room.]
Foreman : Stop. You're not infallible. You were wrong about encephalitis.
House : Just before you were.
Foreman : Run CSF tests. Find out what's causing the meningitis.
House : You said you weren't gonna overrule me diagnostically.
Foreman : And you said I wouldn't be able to help it. Apparently, you were right about that one. [Foreman leaves the room.]
House : Fine. I'll look for toxins myself.
Adams : You can't go to their house without Foreman's permission.
House : Don't need it. I'll talk to the toxicology PhD upstairs. [He also leaves.]
[Cut to the patient’s room. House is interrogating Natalie.]
House : What about gifts from South America? Anyone send any fruits or vegetables?
Natalie : I don't think so, no.
Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Barraco azul…
House : I'm gonna need your boyfriend to collect samples of plants in and around your house. Toxins are the most…
Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Barraco azul…
House [addressing Andres in Portuguese] : O que e isso? Barraco azul?
Natalie [surprised] : Wait, you understand him? What's he saying?
House : He's— he's repeating, "blue shack." You know what that is? Is it somewhere where pesticides may be kept?
Natalie : It's where we had our first date.
[Andres speaks Portuguese]
House : Do you have a cleaning lady who might bring her own supplies?
Natalie : What's he saying?
House : If it's not relevant to the case, I don't care. And neither should you.
Natalie : Please. This might be the last time I ever know what he's thinking.
[Andres is still speaking Portuguese, House is now paying attention to his words.]
House [translating Andres’s words] : When I saw her waiting… waiting for me at the table… The way her eyes looked when she smiled… I felt like crying. I knew that she was the woman I wanted to marry. [Natalie is clearly moved by his words; She stares at Andres lovingly.] Every time I see her, I say…
Andres : La esta ela.
House and Natalie : There she is. [She approaches him.]
Natalie : He's still in there.
Andres : Quem e ela?
Natalie [turning to House] : What did he say?
House : He asked who you were. [She looks a bit disappointed.] Don't get your hopes up. Have your boyfriend give me those samples.
[Cut to an exam room in the clinic. Wilson is with the young couple we have seen apart before.]
Man : How'd you even know to look for a tumor?
Wilson : Well, Dr. House noticed hormone levels in your blood, and consulted me as an oncologist.
Kayla : Who cares how they found it, okay? They found it. Are there any side effects to the treatment?
Wilson : Some nausea, dizziness, and as the tumor shrinks, there will be behavioral changes.
Man : Like what?
Wilson : Well… the tumor interferes with certain natural systems. Um… [Embarrassed] It lowers libido and causes erectile dysfunction.
Man : Eh… Y-you mean the treatment will, um… m-make me want to have sex? Wh-what if I don't want the treatment?
Wilson : I would strongly advise…
Kayla : You have a brain tumor, okay? You have to have the treatment.
Man : Okay, look, I know who I am, okay? And I'm not one of them.
Kayla : Hey, look, we'll adjust. Okay? We can go through this together.
Man : You mean have sex? I can't make you do that.
Kayla : Maybe it won't be so bad.
Man : It'll be terrible.
Kayla : It's actually pretty fun. From what I remember.
Man : But you said that…
Kayla: I know. I know. I wanted to spend my life with you. And I knew that meant making certain sacrifices. But a girl has needs.
[Cut to Foreman’s office. He is sitting in the little lounge area with a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Laffont, who are donors to the hospital.]
Mr. Laffont : You dropped in the U.S. News rankings.
Foreman : With respect, Mr. Laffont, that's only because we temporarily shut down our Diagnostics Department. It's up and running again.
Mr. Laffont : I'm actually concerned it might be because of the change in management. If you want my money, I'll need to see a five-year plan. [As he is talking, Foreman tries to listen but unconsciously focuses on a vase of flowers behind them.] Am I boring you?
Foreman : No, no, I just… Those flowers are from last week. They should be dead by now.
Mr. Laffont : Excuse me?
Foreman [figuring something out] : Sorry. I have to go. [He gets up quickly and leaves the room.]
[Cut to the lab where House is looking through a microscope. Foreman comes in.]
Foreman : It's Reye's syndrome. Patient had a sore throat a few weeks ago before he was admitted.
House : Reye's in adults is a reach.
Foreman : Not if he took aspirin.
House : Aspirin in adults is a reach. Especially in a house with locked medicine cabinets.
Foreman : Wasn't in the medicine cabinet. Wife used to run a floral company. Still does a few orders from home. She uses crushed aspirin in the water to make the flowers last longer.
House : So the husband has a sore throat, takes an aspirin without her knowing, realizes he's got a sore throat, takes an aspirin, realizes he's got a sore throat… Stop me whenever you like. Have Chase start him on steroids.
Foreman : Already did.
House : Then why're you telling me?
Foreman : 'Cause I wanted you to hear it from me. [Pleased with himself, he walks out of the room.]
[Cut to Andres’s room, Chase is adjusting his meds. Andres wakes up and smiles at Natalie who is standing by his side.]
Andres [smiling] : Oh… There she is.
[Natalie sighs, relieved.]
Natalie : Here I am.
Andres : Your eye. What happened?
Natalie : It's nothing I can't handle.
[Cut to Wilson’s office. House is sitting on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. He is playing with a lighter when Wilson comes in.]
Wilson : MRI confirmed macroprolactinoma. He's doing the treatment.
House : And the wife?
[Wilson reaches for his wallet in the back pocket of his pants and pulls out the $100 bill. He hands it to House who takes out two cigars from the inside pocket of his jacket.]
House : Come on. You saved a man's life. Course-corrected two peoples' wildly screwed-up world views. It's not bad for a day's work.
[Wilson takes one of the cigars.]
Wilson : I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies.
House [putting the cigar in his mouth] : Most happiness is. [He turns on his lighter and sets fire to the bill] Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all. [House lights on his cigar with the flame emerging from the bill.]
Wilson : We can't smoke in here. [He sits down beside House and also uses the flame to light his cigar.]
House : We also can't summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world.
[They both get comfortable in the couch with their feet on the table in front of them as they smoke.]
House : Well?
Wilson : Disgustingly satisfying.
[Someone knocks on the door. A uniformed man enters. They both try to hide their cigar.]
House [pointing at Wilson] : He said it was okay.
Uniformed man : Is one of you Dr. House?
House [turning to Wilson] : You've seen Spartacus, right?
Uniformed man : I got an order here to deactivate and remove his ankle monitor.
[As Morgan Taylor Reid’s “Simply Human” starts playing in the background, we get a close-up on House’s face: He seems genuinely surprised but somehow happy by the announcement. Cut to the Diagnostics room where Chase is sitting alone in the dark. He is holding his phone in his hand; he seems to hesitate but finally composes a number and puts the phone to his ear.]
Chase’s sister : Robbie?
Chase : Hi, sis.
♪♫ Gentle is the sun
Chase’s sister : It's been years.
Chase : I know. I thought of you on mom's birthday.
♪♫ I breathe it in my soul
Chase’s sister : Is everything okay?
Chase : Yeah, yeah. Fine. I just…
♪♫ And I want to let you know‚
Chase : wanted to see how you were.
Chase’s sister : I'm fine.
♪♫ And come down
♪♫ come down
♪♫ innocent way of life
[Cut to Foreman’s office, he is working behind his desk when House walks in and stops in front of him.]
Foreman [barely looking at House] : Bikes go faster without training wheels.
♪♫ Easily we cry
Foreman : Now get out. I have work to do.
♪♫ Weaving through the cracks‚
[House leaves but not before purposely knocking over a cup full of pencils and pens.]
♪♫ we are simply human
House : Whoops.
♪♫ You know we are