Written by: John C. Kelley
Directed by: Kate Woods
Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Open on Cedarville, New Jersey. In the park, a quartet (clarinet, trumpet, banjo and stand-up bass) is on the tiny bandstand in the gazebo playing “Ain’t We Got Fun.” The town fire truck is parked next to the park. Kids climb aboard it and try on a fire helmet. A couple gets their picture taken with Cindy, Miss Cedarville. A man running the barbecue grill serves a man. Mayor Collins climbs onto the stage and taps the microphone. Behind him there’s a banner that reads “Cedarville Chamber of Commerce 2011 Community Service Awards.”]
Collins: Good afternoon, Cedarville! [cheers and applause from the crowd] It is my distinct honor to present our annual community service award to one of our most outstanding citizens. Now, many of you may recognize him as Coach Bob of our champion little league team. And some of you may know him as the treasurer of our Harvest Scholarship Fund. [Cindy smiles] But I know that all of you know him as the guy that owns the only gas station in town. [laughter] Bob Harris, get on up here with that beautiful family of yours! [Bob, Denise and their kids, Sally and David, join the mayor.] Bob Harris, folks! Bob, your community activism, charity work, and character represent the finest Cedarville has to offer. [Cindy takes a loving cup from a table and brings it over.] Please accept this on behalf of all of us and know that we love you.
[Bob shakes hands with Cindy as she gives him the cup. He holds it aloft as members of the audience applauds.]
[Cut to a motel room that night. It’s dark. Kissing can be heard. Bob’s trophy stands on a counter, next to Cindy’s Miss Cedarville sash and tiara. Cindy and Bob are on the bed. As they kiss, they land on the floor and laugh. They roll over and he’s on top as they continue to kiss. He pulls his torso away and gasps.]
Cindy: Are you all right? Bob? [He collapses, pinning her to the floor.] You're crushing me! Wake up! [She shoves him onto his back on the floor. He gasps loudly.] I think you're having a heart attack. I'm gonna call the ambulance!
[She reaches for her purse and pulls out her phone. Bob puts out his hand to stop her.]
Bob: [whispering slowly] No. Just drive me to the hospital.
[END OF TEASER]
[Cut to Foreman’s office.
Foreman: As the new dean of medicine, I'd like to personally welcome all of our new employees and ask, why the hell do you want to come back?
[He’s talking to Chase and Taub. Taub looks the same. Chase has cut his hair even further and grown a beard.]
Chase: Tired of surfing.
Foreman: He hasn't changed.
Chase: And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap?
Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses?
Foreman: About that… about the crazy stuff?
Taub: Here we go. He's gone from ally to enemy.
Chase: He has no choice. He's the boss now. He has to be professional. He has to base his decisions on what's best for the entire hospital. We can't take it personally.
Foreman: Couldn't have said it better myself.
Chase: You did. I'm just reading the notes on your desk. [He leans forward and grabs a piece of paper before Foreman can reach it. He hands it to Taub] He also wants us to spy for him.
Foreman: Not spy. I'm trying to keep House out of prison. To do that, I need to know what he's doing and planning.
Chase and Taub: [in unison] Spy.
Foreman: Come on, guys. I am your boss. You do have to treat me appropriately. But it doesn't have to be awkward and weird. Outside of work, I still consider us all friends.
Taub: I'm glad you feel that way, because I do have a favor to ask. I told House I couldn't come back until next week. He said he understood completely and that I was fired. So… [He clears throat and gestures toward the door. A smiling aide wheels in a double stroller.] Since I have my kids for the next two days, I need a babysitter.
[Cut to Diagnostics. The room has been cleared up. Adams and Park sit on folding chairs at a folding table. A couple more chairs are folded and leaning against the wall to House’s office. The only other furniture in the room is the white board. House paces behind them.]
Adams: Male patient went into v-fib but shows no signs of heart disease
House: What was he doing when his heart decided to do the mambo?
Park: He said he was at work.
[Chase and Taub enter.]
House: You're late.
Taub: According to my calendar, I'm a week early.
House: Beard's a nice touch. Lets everyone know that you're not a teenage girl. [Chase takes a chair and sits next to Adams.] Oh, now, you two make a cute couple. [Taub prepares to sit next to Park who stands as he approaches.] And you two… [faux stammers] It's not important.
Park: Dr. Park. [She and Taub shake hands.] You're a lot taller than I thought you'd be.
Taub: And I look forward to working with you as well.
House: He's lying, not just Taub… the patient. These abrasions on his knees… they're minty fresh… about ten hours old.
Adams: He got them playing flag football.
House: He said he got them playing flag football. I'm sure that's true if "flag" is a euphemism for "penis" and "football" is a euphemism for "entering a vagina."
Adams: Why lie about it?
Taub: Everybody lies.
House: Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls?
Park: Wow, twins… congratulations.
House: [making a big show of “oops — wrong thing to say”] Awkward! [normal voice] He knocked up two different women at the same time… At least he thinks he did. You have them DNA tested yet?
Taub: Why would I? They look just like me.
House: But they will grow. Find out what else he's lying about. Do an exercise test… see if you can get him to go back into v-fib again.
Park: But we could end up causing another cardiac arrest.
House: Hopefully. Then we'll know what set it off.
Chase: He means it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.
House: The prodigal son has returned. [He hugs Chase and slaps his back. Chase stands there, impassive.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slaughter a fatted calf for lunch.
[Cut to Bob’s room. In the corner, an aide brings in flowers to add to all the plants, cards and stuffed animals covering every surface.]
Bob: I told you, I was sitting at my desk when the attack happened.
Chase: These rug burns are from last night.
Adams: We think you were having sex, but memory loss could also be a symptom. Maybe we should ask your wife.
Bob: Don't. I-I did something stupid last night, but it was a one-time thing. You have no idea how bad I feel about it.
Adams: Your guilt is between you and your wife. We just need to know what happened.
Bob: I was having sex at a motel when I started to feel light-headed. Next thing I knew, I was laying on my back. I could barely breathe.
Denise: [enters] Is everything all right?
Chase: We'd like to perform an exercise test, re-create the stress that may have caused his symptoms.
Denise: He was sitting at his desk.
Chase: It's his heart we're worried about. The test will monitor its rhythm so we can check for any abnormalities.
[Cut to House pounding on Wilson’s door.]
House: [loudly] I spent a month in solitary. You don't think I can keep this up all day?
[He goes back to banging on the door. There’s the sound of rustling inside then Wilson opens the door. The room behind him is unlit.]
Wilson: I have a headache. Could you just lower your voice?
House: [loudly] Chase and Taub are back!
Wilson: You want me to pick up an ice-cream cake?
House: I also think that Taub has brought his little Taubettes into work with him today.
Wilson: Why would he do that?
House: Because I didn't give him time to do anything else. Then I started wondering, who'd be sappy enough to watch them for him?
Wilson: They're not here.
House: What? I just came for a chat with a friend. What's that I smell, friend?
Wilson: I understand your confusion. I was eating a baby for lunch, and… [House looks under the desk.] I have a massive migraine. Will you please just go away?
House: You should probably lie down and rest.
Wilson: Yeah. I was trying to.
House: [at the door] Oh! There is one more thing.
[He turns back and opens the blinds on the balcony door. The Taubettes are out there, in their strollers. Wilson starts to say something then decides not to. House turns and smiles at him.]
[Cut to Bob’s stress test. He’s running on a treadmill. Adams and Chase stand next to him. Taub and Park are at the computer monitors.]
Chase: He's in too good of a shape. We need to get him to the point he was at last night.
Adams: Well, don't look at me. But if you want to…
Chase: Cute. [Adams smiles] I didn't mean physical stress.
Park: Don't you guys think this is irresponsible? It's like you getting two women pregnant at the same time. I just mean the part about the odds of it happening. They had to be incredibly high. And if we induce v-fib, odds say that we'll be able to revive him. But there's always a chance we can't.
Taub: It's extreme and reckless. That's House. You get used to it.
House: [sticking his head in the door at just the right moment] Or I fire you. Look what I found… [He wheels in the Taubettes.] Kiddie-winkies! I wonder who they belong to.
Taub: [jumps up and takes the stroller] Give me my kids.
House: No. I genuinely wonder who they belong to. I need a DNA sample. [He holds up a wrapped swab.]
Taub: I'm not letting you DNA test my kids.
House: Already did. This swab's for you. [Taub removes House’s cane from the stroller and trades it with House for the swab. He throws the swab away and wheels the girls to the far end of the room.] Fine. If you don't mind paying a fortune in child support for some other guy's kids, no skin cells off my cheek.
Park: His heart rate's finally elevating.
Denise: [just entered, followed by Chase] Dr. Chase said you had something to tell me.
Chase: We were talking about how you got the abrasions on your knees… the flag football game.
Bob: Oh, um… Yeah, honey, I'm gonna need you to let the guys know I'm not gonna be able to play on Saturday. [smiles]
Denise: The whole town knows that you're in the hospital. I wouldn't worry about it.
Adams: That's not what you wanted to tell her. You said the game wasn't typical. Something happened that you were upset about?
Bob: I don't understand. What are you t… [panting] I don't f… I don't feel very w…
[He collapses. Chase tries to grab him as he slides off the end of the treadmill. A monitor alarm beeps.]
Denise: What's happening?
[House watches from the other room, interested. Taub clicks on the intercom]
Taub: It's not his heart.
Chase: I know. He's having a seizure.
[Bob is propped up against the end of the treadmill. His eyes are rolling in his head.]
[END OF ACT ONE]
[Cut to Diagnostics. Chase and Taub sit on the floor against the glass wall to the hallway. Their legs are stretched in front of them, crossed and their hands are crossed in their laps. House appears behind them and opens the door. He is followed by Park and Adams, carrying a sofa.
Park: There wasn't any abnormal electrical activity in his E.K.G. when his seizure occurred. It wasn't caused by a v-fib.
Adams: [a little breathless] We still can't rule it out. His E.K.G. from the E.R. documented…
Chase: Myocarditis… viral infection weakening the wall muscles. We need to biopsy his heart to confirm.
[Adams and Park put the sofa down by the windows in front of the balcony.]
House: Myocarditis wouldn't cause a seizure.
Taub: Could be genetic… Brugada Syndrome.
House: Oh, my God. Two prodigal sons. Come on. Let's hug it out. [He holds his arms wide.]
Taub: You really like the idea, or you just want to grab some hair for a DNA test?
House: It's a stupid idea. We would have seen evidence of Brugada in the E.K.G. [He looks at Parks & Adams who are slumped on the couch.] You know, this is… this is just messing with my feng shui here. What about over there? [Points to the wall where the conference table used to be.]
Park: A pheochromocytoma. [getting up and grabbing her end of the couch] Excess adrenaline can cause heart problems and… seizures.
[Adams has the other end and they move the couch while the guys watch.]
Park: I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you.
House: Would it hurt to do both? [flops over the couch back and lies down] Oh, this is much better! I said it was boring. I didn't say it was wrong.
Park: So I'm right.
House: Nope. You're wrong. Photic epilepsy… it's equally boring, but it has the advantage of possibly being right. Give him an E.E.G. to confirm.
[The team leaves. House lies on the couch, thinking.]
[Cut to the twins being rolled around… the main entrance by Wilson. His shirtsleeves are rolled up and he looks exasperated. He sighs loudly then sees Foreman crossing the lobby.]
Wilson: If you ever hear me mention anything about wanting kids, please feel free to punch me in the liver.
[One Taubette makes a noise, the other joins and they cry at full volume.]
Wilson: It's like Satan's alarm clock.
Foreman: [walking the circuit around the front desk with Wilson] What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well-behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.
Wilson: That is a sign of concern.
Foreman: And you know him as well as I do. He needs to constantly establish he's the Alpha dog.
Wilson: He's got his team back. He's got his office back. He's got everything he needs.
Foreman: You really believe that… He's content? I don't want to let House sabotage himself by sabotaging me, and I need your guidance and your trust to do that.
Wilson: [laughs] No, no, no. Cuddy had a problem with House, she came to me. Wanted to vent… me. How did that turn out? You have a problem with House, deal with it, or find someone else who can.
[He wheels off, leaving Foreman standing there.]
[Cut to treatment room. Adams adjusts equipment on Bob’s head. Chase is at the bedside, readying the product-placement Apple laptop.]
Chase: I'm sorry about earlier, but we needed to provoke a reaction.
Bob: It worked. I can barely look her in the eyes anymore.
Adams: I'd want my husband to tell me the truth.
Chase: Sure. You'll feel better, and she'll feel what… devastated, betrayed? Heartbroken. Do you really want to do that to her?
Bob: No. But I can't live like this.
Chase: But she can. All set.
Adams: All right, we need you to sit back and try to relax. Just look at the light.
[There’s a rhythmic thrumming. The panels of the opaque skylight over Bob begin flashing.]
[Cut to Diagnostics. House is still on the couch, lying in the opposite direction. Behind him, the wall has been replaced by plastic sheeting and some wood struts. There are workmen on the other side, drilling and hammering. The team enters, slowly.]
Park: What exactly are they building back there?
House: A dream.
Chase: The E.E.G. didn't show any abnormal brain activity.
Adams: He doesn't have photic epilepsy.
House: I know, because he has a pheochromocytoma.
Park: You said I was wrong.
House: You were wrong not to rule out epilepsy first. That only takes a couple of hours. Finding a tumor that's flushing adrenaline through his system is gonna take all night. Monitor his brain activity, start a continuous urine test and blood draws every two hours.
Taub: I can't! I have my kids! Wilson's leaving in, like, minutes!
House: Chase and Adams can do the test.
Taub: Thank you.
[House gets up and reaches into his pocket. Coins jingle and he drops a bunch into Taub’s hand.]
House: For the massage bed. You and Park are checking the motel he was bumping uglies at for environmental factors.
[Cut to a seedy motel. A hooker is opening a door. A nondescript man waits behind her. Behind them, Taub wheels the stroller in, followed by Park. And the end of the hall there are three neon signs — “Exit,” “Office” and “Hourly Rates. The hooker and her john stare at them.)
Park: He couldn't find a babysitter. Get over it.
Taub: [whispers] You're gonna get us killed.
Park: [whispers] She thinks I'm a prostitute on her turf. Showing weakness is what gets you killed.
Taub: [whispers] Why would she think you're a prostitute?
Park: [whispers] I'm in a dump with a guy almost twice my age. What else is she gonna think?
Taub: How old do you think I am?
[She opens the door to the room.]
[Cut to the procedure room. All the lighting is very low. Bob and Denise are asleep in his hospital bed. Chase and Adams are in the observation room with the blinds half closed.]
Chase: So who cheated on you?
Adams: We just met. Don't you think it's a little early to be dragging up our baggage in front of each other?
Chase: Who says I have baggage?
Adams: I know when House went to prison, you quit medicine. — You don't do that unless…
Chase: I didn't quit. I took a vacation. I knew when he got out, I'd get my job back.
Adams: House didn't even know he was coming back.
Chase: I had faith.
Adams: Now, that has baggage stamped all over it.
[He stares at her. A monitor beeps. A line on the EKG flattens out.]
Adams: Seizure activity?
Chase: No. One of the sensors came loose.
Adams: I'll fix it.
[She goes into the other room. As she reaches out to Bob’s head, Denise rolls away. Adams stares. In the observation room, Chase turns on the intercom.]
Chase: What is it?
[There’s a bulge the size of a baseball on the right side of Bob’s neck.]
Adams: Not a pheochromocytoma.
[END OF ACT TWO]
[Cut to Diagnostics the next morning. Chase, Park and Adams are at the table. House is standing where the kitchen used to be, brushing his teeth.[
Chase: Our patient now has a mass in his neck, and his body temp's been rising over the last three hours.
Park: Where is the construction crew?
House: Well, I'm not gonna make them work day and night. So I chose night. [He spits into a mug.]
Adams: And his urine and blood tests didn't show any evidence of an adrenaline-secreting tumor.
Park: Meningitis. We can do a lumbar puncture to confirm.
Taub: [entering] Sorry. I had to drop my kids off at day care across town. What'd I miss?
Chase: It's not meningitis. His neck isn't stiff, and his mental status is normal.
House: He's only guessing. I'm talking to Taub. He can't say "my kids" until he lets me test them. Tell me about the love shack where he cheated on his bride.
Taub: Quarters came in handy. My kids loved the massage bed.
Park: Lab tests show the bed tested positive for, uh, semen, vaginal secretions, saliva, and fecal matter, both human and animal. [Taub’s face falls as she reads the list.]
House: Probably want to boil the kids for a couple hours when you get home.
Park: The bathroom also tested positive for five different types of pathogenic bacteria.
House: Fusobacterium necrophorum was one of them. [He puts on his dress shirt and buttons it.]
Park: Yeah. How'd you know?
House: The bulge in his neck. The bacteria colonized his parapharyngeal space, moved into his jugular vein, causing a thrombus… Lemierre's Syndrome. Treat with amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. Take out the clot before it moves to his lungs and kills him.
[House puts on his suit jacket as the team gathers their bags and leaves. House takes a bag out of his pocket and put it over Taub’s cup. He turns. Taub is there. He takes his cup and leaves. House yells to his retreating figure.]
House: You have at least a trillion cells. You're gonna misplace one of them eventually.
[Cut to Bob’s room. Park and Taub are there.]
Bob: I have to tell my wife the truth.
Park: There's plenty of time for that after the operation.
Bob: What if I die, and one day she finds out I cheated on her? I'll never be able to explain, never tell her how sorry I am.
Taub: You're increasing the odds of that every second we waste here.
Bob: No, I'm not agreeing to anything until I talk to her.
[Door slides opens. Bob’s kids run in and climb on the bed with him. Denise follows.]
Bob: Hey. Hey, guys.
Sally: Ew! Your neck looks really gross.
Bob: I missed you both so much. But I need to ask you favor. I need to talk to mommy alone for a second. [to Taub and Park] Would you mind watching them for us?
[They nod and leave with the children. Denise looks at Bob, expectantly.]
[Cut to the lobby. Sally and David sit by the fountain. Taub and Park sit nearby.]
Taub: This guy's an idiot.
Park: I think he actually has a good point. What would you think if you found out years later your beloved dead wife cheated on you?
Taub: I wouldn't believe it. As long as I don't hear it directly from her, then I can hang on to hope that it's not true. But this way… she has to either dump him or forgive him.
[Denise comes into the lobby and talks to the kids.]
Denise: Guys, get your stuff. We're leaving.
Park: I'm so sorry.
Denise: [arms folded defensively] I'll be back. I'm gonna drop our kids off at my mother's. Look, he made a mistake… a stupid, horrible mistake. But we'll get through this. All I care about right now is that my husband gets better.
[Taub and Park look at each other and nod slightly as she leaves.]
[Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson is at a table. He looks up from his food as Taub joins him.]
Wilson: Sorry about yesterday. House was like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Taub: Why is he so obsessed with my kids being my kids? [Wilson doesn’t say anything. Taub answers himself.] Because he sees insecurity, and when House senses weakness, he pounces, and because his insecurity is the fact that other people can have faith and don't have the obsessive need for physical proof.
Wilson: Also, he started a betting pool on which kid is yours and which isn't. [he chuckles]
Taub: [not seeing the humor] An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids? It's great to be back among friends.
[He leaves. Wilson watches him go then picks up Taub’s fork and puts it in a sample bag. He seals it as he walks to the cafeteria entrance, where Taub is standing.]
Wilson: I'm not the bad guy here. I'm betting on them both being yours. [Taub grabs the bag from Wilson and leaves.] I would have donated the money to charity.
[Cut to the OR. Equipment beep beeps as Chase removes the clot.]
Chase: Approaching the clot. Stand by for…
Adams: [assisting] That’s not a clot.
Chase: It's his lymph nodes. The bulge wasn't caused by pus or blood. It's tissue inflammation. How can there be that much tissue…
Adams: …lymphoma. We need to take a biopsy.
[As Chase takes tissue samples, an alarm starts blaring.]
Chase: Did I nick something?
Adams: I don't know.
Chase: I don't see any bleeding in here.
[They start inspecting Bob for problems. Adams shines a light in his eyes.]
Adams: His sclera's jaundiced. I think it's his liver. It's failing.
[END OF ACT THREE]
[Cut to a lounge.]
Adams: We did a major operation for no reason. It's not Lemierre's Syndrome.
Chase: We would have had to biopsy his lymph nodes anyway to check for cancer.
Adams: Which it's not. Biopsy was clean.
Park: We could be dealing with an alcoholic going through withdrawal. It explains his heart, seizures, and liver failing.
House: But not his swollen lymph nodes.
[Park peers behind a mobile book cart to reply.]
Park: Why are we stealing cable from here? We don't even have a TV in our office.
[House climbs out from behind the cart and puts away his screwdriver.]
House: I'm an ex-con, trying to adjust to a world that's passed me by. Stealing's all I know… that and the fact that I was right about what's wrong with our patient. Just wrong about what?
[Adams tries to process that but looks confused.]
Taub: He means it's not Lemierre's, but it's still an infection, which is why it's spreading so rapidly.
Park: Cultures take time, and his liver doesn't have much left.
[House is behind the kitchen counter, filling a large shopping bag with items like a stainless container that held wooden coffee stirrers – before he dumped the stirrers on the counter.]
House: That's why we're gonna blast him with broad-spectrum antibiotics.
[He turns to see what else is worth taking.]
Adams: The blast will fry what's left of his liver. The cure will kill him.
Chase: Not if we get him a liver transplant first and then treat him with a broad spectrum.
House: [adding a toaster to his bag] And old team for the win! [Chase and Taub mildly pump their fists at each other.] Not that I'm keeping score. It's more of a grid where I assign numerical values to determine who gets raises, vacation time, and my respect.
[Cut to Bob’s room. Denise is there. Chase and Adams explain their options.]
Adams: We he him on the donor list for a liver. But these things take time.
Denise: So he could die before he gets one.
Adams: It's a possibility. But we have another option. We can do a partial liver transplant from a living donor.
I'll do it.
Chase: If you're a match, but to increase our odds, we'd like to get your friends and family tested as well.
Bob: [sighs] Is it safe?
Adams: It's a major surgery. The donor spends a week in the hospital and up to three months convalescing at home.
Bob: I can't ask someone to do that for me.
Denise: There are hundreds of people who would do that for you.
Bob: Because they don't know the real me.
Denise: You are a good man who made a mistake.
Bob: Then I have to tell them first.
Denise: I have to live with this too.
Bob: I know. And I'm sorry, but… this is the only way that I can do this.
[Cut to the clinic nurses’ station that night. It is full of people. They each have a clipboard and are filling out paperwork. Chase, Park and Adams enter. Denise wheels Bob in and the whole crowd applauds. He raises his hand slightly to stop them.]
Bob: Before I ask any of you to sacrifice three months of your life for me, I have a confession. I had an affair. I cheated on Denise. I wouldn't blame anyone if you decide…
Denise: I forgive him. That should be enough for all of us. [choking up] Thank you so much for coming here…
Bob: There's more. Larry… that new transmission I put in your truck… you didn't need it. Joe, same thing with the engine rebuild. In fact, I cheated most of you here tonight. Half the time you bring your cars into my garage, there's nothing wrong with them. I've been ripping you all off for years. [a few people walk out] I also took $10,000 from the harvest scholarship fund, and I lost it gambling. [more people leave] I'm sorry. I'm not the man you thought I was.
[He wheels himself out of the room while Denise stands there, looking uncomfortable. Chase, Adams and Park look embarrassed.]
Park: [whispers] That went over well.
[Cut to Diagnostics. It’s still night – the workmen are hammering and drilling. House is mixing cocktails at a fully stocked bar/medicine cabinet by the blinds on the glass wall. The team, still minus Taub, is at the table, eating Chinese food from the cartons.]
Chase: Out of the two donors who didn't walk out, both were negative for a potential match. Telling the truth may have just killed this guy.
Adams: I told him to tell his wife he cheated, not confess every sin he's ever committed.
Park: If everyone did that, we'd never find a donor for anyone again.
Adams: Everybody doesn't lie, cheat, or steal from their friends.
Chase: Yeah, they do. Maybe not as much as this guy, but if people told nothing but the truth, the world would probably burn down overnight.
Adams: Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if everybody didn't lie…
House: Aw, that is cute. [drinking a martini] I'm talking about your breasts. [She puts a hand up to pull the neck of her dress closed.] They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth… I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. [He sits at the table and continues.] He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew… you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one… you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth. Ask Taub. Our patient can't wait for a transplant that's never gonna come. We need to get reckless and extreme. C.T. his liver, find the damaged area, and cut it out. Hopefully, what's left will be enough so we can start treatment with broad-spectrum antibiotics.
[Cut to Taub’s apartment. He picks up one of the girls and puts her on the bed.]
Taub: I'm sorry the first time I had both of you together I had to work. But daddy's boss is what we call a jackass. Good. Stay right there. [He picks up the second girl.] I'm also sorry… for what I'm about to do… because… because nothing will ever change how I feel about you guys. [He puts her on the bed.] But… [both babies coo] but daddy is weak and needs to know.
[He whisper as he brings a swab to the first baby’s mouth.]
Taub: Okay. Just gonna put this right here… okay?
[Cut to CT room. Chase and Adams are scanning Bob. Foreman enters.]
Chase: It's 3:30 in the morning. Why are you still here?
Foreman: House is here and apparently prepping for an operation that will probably kill a patient.
Chase: I wouldn't be doing this if I thought there was another way.
Foreman: There is. He needs a transplant.
Chase: You have one lying around? 'Cause he'll be dead if he doesn't get one in the next few hours.
Foreman: That falls under natural causes. If you kill him, we're looking at…
Chase: Dead is dead.
Foreman: Not as far as our lawyers are concerned. I'm not being a dick. This is a real issue, and I have to worry about the big picture now.
Chase: I don't. I'll be doing what you would have done a year ago. I'll be in surgery.
Adams: Chase… you need to check this out. This is a C.T. scan of his liver from ten hours ago… this is from now.
Foreman: It's healing itself.
[END OF ACT FOUR]
[Cut to the nurses’ station outside Bob’s room. House sits at the nurses’ station, eating Patton-brand popcorn from a bag, and watching the show – Denise fighting with Bob. She’s throwing things onto the floor and shouting loudly enough for the sound, if not the words, to be heard outside. The team stands behind House, observing.]
Taub: When I left the room, he was telling her about the strippers from his bachelor party.
Chase: Liver function has improved 30%… buys us a few extra days before he'll need a transplant.
House: Interesting question is, why is it regenerating?
[Denise grabs her purse and leaves the room. She looks around the hall. The team, embarrassed, pretends not to look at her — except for House, of course. He stares as she walks off.]
House: And scene. Now we're back to boring reality reality. His liver was in shock before. He's been having an allergic reaction since he got here.
Chase: Could explain why his symptoms appeared so rapidly.
Adams: And maybe starting to go away.
Taub: We need to run a scratch test to find out what set it off.
House: Or who. This all started when he cheated on his wife.
Park: He's allergic to a person?
House: Or something she's wearing… makeup, perfume, birth control method, her "Hello Kitty" doll. Two of you go find her and find out what. Two of you start treatment with corticosteroids and epinephrine while you run the scratch test.
[He leaves, handing Chase the empty bag of popcorn as he goes.]
[Cut to a clinic room. Chase and Adams are examining Cindy.]
Cindy: You think I did this to him?
Chase: Or something you wear, own, use, or gave him.
Cindy: I gave him a condom. He didn't have one.
Adams: What kind?
Cindy: I don't know what kind. I got it from the health fair I was working at.
Chase: You're in the medical profession?
Cindy: I'm Miss Cedarville. The health fair is one of my responsibilities.
Adams: Is another one hooking up with 38-year-old married men?
Chase: I guess I'm supposed to be the good cop. I know this is tough. But anything you can remember might help save his life.
Cindy: He was giving me a ride home, and… he always seemed so nice. And then we ended up at the motel. And now everybody's talking about it. And if they find out it was me, I'm gonna lose my title and probably my job. And no one in town is ever gonna speak to me again. I made a mistake, and now it's gonna end up ruining my life.
[Even Adams stops looking judgmental about this.]
[Cut to Bob’s room. Park and Taub are there. She’s doing scratch tests on his abdomen.]
Bob: Denise never wants to see me again.
Park: What did you think was gonna happen?
Bob: I was sick of living a lie. Everybody loved me. Everybody looked up to me. But… I didn't deserve it.
Taub: Everybody makes mistakes. They just don't usually broadcast all of them at the same time.
Bob: Well, if I'm gonna die, I might as well do it with a clean soul.
Park: And if you live? You didn't just burn bridges. You torched, nuked, and salted the earth with them.
Bob: Everybody has to pay for their sins. [he gasps loudly] Oh, it feels like you stuck me with a hot poker.
Taub: An allergic reaction.
Park: It's the swab for wheat-based allergies.
Bob: I've been eating wheat my entire life. I'm not allergic to wheat. [Alarm blaring] Now it feels like my whole body's on fire.
[Equipment alarms start going off. While Taub looks at them, Park looks at Bob who’s stomach is entirely mottled.]
[Cut to the lab. Park is looking at enlarged cells on a screen. Taub and Chase are performing tests.]
Park: This doesn't make any sense. He broke out with a rash right after I tested with the wheat-allergy swab, but none of his blood samples show he's allergic to it.
Taub: Then he's not allergic to it.
Chase: Could the corticosteroids have somehow caused it?
Taub: I didn't hook them up yet. After he broke out, I wanted to confirm it was gluten before we dosed him.
Chase: Could be a latex allergy. Started with a condom, and we kept it going with our gloves and equipment.
Taub: He doesn't test positive for that either.
Park: None of his samples test positive for anything.
Taub: Then he's allergic to something not on the tests. I'll keep looking here.
Chase: We'll start the steroids and see if it clears up.
[Chase and Park leave. Taub watches then puts three slides on the screen. Foreman enters and Taub quickly turns the lights off behind the slides.]
Foreman: You have one patient and three DNA results?
Taub: How else do I compare them to other genetic disorders? What's up?
Foreman: Chase basically called me a sellout.
Taub: Just because you hung up your lab coat for more money and a bigger office?
Foreman: I hung it up because someone had to run this place after Cuddy left.
Taub: There are a lot of good administrators out there, not many good doctors.
Foreman: More to it than you think. For example, you're looking at monkey DNA. [He turns the lights back on.] My analysis… House took your results after he manipulated you into providing them.
[Cut to Bob’s room. He’s screaming in pain. A nurse runs in followed closely by Chase and Park. As he continues to scream, Bob lifts his arm from the bed. His skin stays behind, attached to the sheet. Chase opens Bob’s gown and part of the skin on his chest goes with it. It is extremely disgusting.]
[END OF ACT FIVE]
[Cut to House’s office. The team stands at his desk.]
Adams: He's shedding his skin like a snake.
Taub: If it was an allergic reaction, the corticosteroids and epinephrine would have made him better, not worse.
Park: Is everyone trying to think of an answer? Or is everyone afraid to say
what they think the answer is?
House: I take it you're in the latter category.
Park: Stevens-Johnson syndrome… it fits all of his symptoms and explains why he got worse after the steroids. Most medication exacerbates the condition.
Chase: There's no treatment for it.
House: [clicks his pen a few times] It fits. Case closed. Why don't you go home and get some sleep?
[Taub, Park and Adams leave. Chase stands there for a moment. House looks at him then Chase leaves too. House continues to play with his pen.]
[Cut to Bob’s room. Other than a sheet/loincloth, he is uncovered and shedding everywhere but his face and neck. Chase sits next to the bed, masked.]
Bob: [wheezing with each breath] I feel like I'm in hell.
Chase: We can't give you too much pain medication, or we'll make your condition worse.
Bob: I got one final confession to make.
Chase: What's left… you cheated on your taxes?
Bob: I'm a murderer. [Chase’s eyes widen.] I killed my business partner. I shot him in the head. I made it look like suicide. And he was just the first.
Chase: You killed more?
Bob: Uh-huh. Three… or four.
Chase: Try not to kill anyone else until I get back.
[Cut to Bob getting an MRI. Chase is at the monitor, surrounded by the rest of the team. House stands by the wall.]
Chase: It's neurological. There's an aneurysm in the anterior communicating artery of his brain… the area moderating impulse control and compulsion. As it grew larger, so did the confessions. Watch. [he clicks on the intercom] Bob, one of my shoes is missing from my locker.
Bob: I'm so sorry. I… I needed the cash, and, um, the locker was open.
Park: I never heard of a neurological problem that causes someone's skin to fall off.
House: Because there isn't one. The aneurysm is just another symptom. It's not the cause. You add them all together, we get… [He waits, but the team doesn’t answer.] We get Kaw… Kawas… Kawas… [exasperated] It's Kawasaki's Disease. It's autoimmune.
Taub: Yes, we knew what "kawah" meant. We just figured since it basically presents only in Asian children…
House: Which you might have, by the way. Which is basically why we missed it. Rug burns… certain carpet-cleaning chemicals have been linked to it. Start treatment with intravenous immunoglobulin. Monitor the aneurysm. If it doesn't resolve itself we'll have to repair it. [addressing Taub, Adams and Park on his way out] The rest of you… aren't surfing enough.
[Cut to the hallway. Taub follows House.]
Taub: Monkey DNA… nice touch.
House: Really? You don't think I should have gone with rat? I've been second-guessing myself all day.
Taub: Where are the DNA results? [He reaches for the folder House is holding but House jerks them out of the way.]
House: First admit that I was right.
Taub: You manipulated me into doing it.
House: Yeah, I'll admit to that. Now you admit that it was incredibly easy, because you can't cheat an honest man.
Taub: I love them. I don't care if one of them isn't biologically mine.
House: What about both? Could be. Haven't read these. Now say I was right.
Taub: No. I'll admit I was weak for a moment, but I'm not doing this. I don't care.
House: You do, and I'll prove it. I will shred this. I will call off my pool, return the money, and we'll forget all about it. Or we'll go to the light box in the lab and know the truth once and for all.
[He holds the folder over the shredder and makes faces at Taub.]
Taub: Stop. Let me see them. [House looks very pleased with himself as he gives Taub the folder. Taub glances at the sheets inside for a fraction of a second then feeds the folder into the shredder.] Just wanted to make sure all three were inside.
[Cut to Bob’s room. Chase and Adams are there. Denise enters.]
Denise: The mayor checked. There wasn't any money missing from the scholarship fund. Dr. Chase told me… about your disease, how it made you confess to crimes you hadn't committed. [Adams and Chase go to the door silently. Sniffles] The affair with that girl… is that real?
Bob: Honey, I… would never… have never cheated on you.
Denise: [Crying] I knew you could never do that to me. I don't know how… but I knew.
[She climbs on the bed to embrace him. Chase and Adams look at each other and leave.]
[Cut to the locker room. Foreman’s there. Chase comes in and goes to his locker.]
Foreman: Glad to see taking a year off didn't dull your skill set.
Chase: I got lucky.
Foreman: About the other night… I have enough problems with this job. Second-guessing my best doctors shouldn't be one of them.
Chase: Why are you up here? You have your own bathroom and office now.
Foreman: Shower. I haven't left the hospital in four days.
Foreman: House won't go home. And there's no way I'm leaving him here unsupervised.
[Chase stares at him for a second then he smiles broadly.]
Chase: House is screwing with you… by not screwing with you. He's watching TV and drinking martinis all night. Meanwhile, he's keeping you here searching for a plan that doesn't even exist. [He puts on his jacket.]
Foreman: How the hell did I not see that? I'm glad you're back. [He puts on his jacket.]
Chase: [thinks about it] Me too.
[Cut to Diagnostics. The team is on the couch, which now faces the wall. House passes around martinis.]
Chase: Either a hot tub or a sauna.
Park: A hot tub would be cool.
[The entire wall is covered with a shabby, red velvet curtain.]
House: New team, old team… I present… Phase one of Operation Outer Office 2.0.
[He pulls something and the curtain drops to the floor. The team stares at the wall. The wall that looks exactly like it did before House hired a construction team to remove it.]
Adams: Nothing's changed.
[House crosses to the balcony window, puts down the tray and martini glass and picks up a remote control.]
House: Oh, everything has changed.
[There is a whirring noise and the wall where the coffee maker and sink were until Orthopedics had the room rises. As the team stares, a glass wall — with Wilson at his desk on the other side — is revealed. Wilson looks around calmly. House salutes him with his martini glass.]
[Wilson goes back to reading the chart he’s holding. The team stares, transfixed. House pushes the button and the wall lowers as he smiles, happily, and takes a sip of his drink.]