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House MD - 8.04 Risky Business

Originally Aired: October 31, 2011

Written by: Seth Hoffman
Directed by: Sanford Bookstaver

Transcribed by: MarionS


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Cat Stevens’s “Morning has broken” is playing as the scene opens on Thad Barton, a man in his sixties. He has a smile on his face as he gets out of his huge colonial house. He walks down the porch stairs that are covered with fall leaves then toward the front yard full of toilet-papered trees and yard signs featuring such messages as “Protect US Jobs!!!” and “Benedict Barton”. He holds an empty garbage bag in his hand.]

♪♫ Morning has broken

♪♫ like the first morning

[He throws away one of the signs.]

♪♫ blackbird has spoken

♪♫ like the first bird

[There’s a sort of scarecrow, what seems to be an effigy of Barton himself, hanging by a noose from a branch, which he is attempting to take down.]

Barton: Nice tie.

♪♫ Praise for the singing

♪♫ praise for the morning

♪♫ praise for them springing

[A car stops in his driveway. Ainsley, Barton’s daughter, walks towards him, surveying the damage.]

Ainsley: Are you at least gonna call the cops this time?

Barton (amused): No, then they might stop. Just when they're beginning to, uh… [He pulls down the scarecrow, which has hand-drawn dollar signs for eyes] capture my eyes.

Ainsley: Come on, Dad. Let Rodrigo do this. Your arthritis is obviously—

Barton: I can pick up my own lawn. [He puts the figure in the garbage bag.]

Ainsley: You know, if you wanted, you could put an end to all this.

Barton [while cleaning up]: Oh, of course. There are other ways to save the company. I'm only moving it to China because I'm craving egg foo yung.

Ainsley: You know, I just got off the phone with some investors.

Barton: Yes, and they want a controlling interest.

Ainsley: We get to stay here with the people who've been so loyal to this company. Everyone keeps their jobs.

Barton: It's been a family business for 120 years. There's no way that I'm letting…

[He suddenly stops, squinting and looking disoriented.]

♪♫ Blackbird has spoken

♪♫ like the first bird

Ainsley: What's wrong?

♪♫ Praise for the singing

[Barton stares at his left hand right in front of his face, but his depth perception is so disoriented it looks tiny and yards away, while Ainsley appears even further back.]

♪♫ praise for the morning

Ainsley: Dad?

♪♫ Praise for them springing

Ainsley: Dad.

♪♫ Fresh from the word

Barton: I need you to drive me to a doctor.

[OPENING CREDITS. Instead of the usual opening credits, there is just a very brief showing of the title]


[Cut to House’s office. He is looking at his laptop screen through a pair of binoculars. Dr Park is sitting in front of him.]

House: This would totally suck.

Park: Patient's visited China a lot recently. What about the JBE virus?

House [Still looking at his laptop screen]: Why don't you check his vaccination record before you make another stupid… O.M.F.G. 50% off cupcakes. How sick is the patient? 'Cause this expires today.

Park: Central serous retinopathy. [She gets up and closes House’s laptop.] It's linked to type "A" personalities.

House: Funduscopic exam was normal. If you don't let me read my email, then I won't be able to read the email to the entire staff. From your ex-boss. [She opens the laptop back up.] Thank you. [reading the email] "Last month, I had an incident involving another P.P.T.H. employee. Though I can't speak to the details of the case while my disciplinary hearing is pending, I want you to know that I have completed voluntary sexual harassment training. And on a personal note, if my actions caused anyone distress, I sincerely apologize." You are so fired.

Park: What? He apologized.

House: What? Because he said he apologized? He's saying he's sorry that someone, namely you, overreacted — namely, by punching him.

Park: He grabbed my behind.

House: Word is it was a celebratory slap after you completed your first-ever AVM embolization.

Park: He grabbed it, he apologized for grabbing it, and now he's taking classes because he grabbed it.

House: The classes make him sympathetic. Which, in turn, makes his unrepentant attacker… Evil. Which, in turn, in turn, makes you so fired.

Park: 100 bucks says I won't get fired.

House: Oh, you don't wanna bet me.

[Park stands up and sticks out her hand to seal the bet.]

House: Oh, my.

[House takes her hand and shakes it.]

House: You're fired.

Park: I… The bet is—

House: But I thought—

Park: After… Then I… Oh—

House: If only—

Park: The bet's that I'll get fired after my hearing!

House: I'll take that action too, but you're already a C-note in the hole.

[Dr Adams walks in the office. She is wearing a formal black business suit.]

House: You're late.

Adams: Considering I don't work here, arguably, I'm early.

House: Pearl earrings? Knee-length dress. That's not a very shameful walk of shame.

Adams: I was at a job interview.

House: I hope it went terribly.

[She grabs a file and sits down beside Park.]

Adams: Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys?

House: I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself. [Buzzing sound in the background. A cast is being sawed off in the Orthopedics room, House’s former Diagnostics room.] I have a department to re-fund.

Adams: Atropine poisoning. He's moving his company to China, and his employees are hanging him in effigy. Could have moved on to the real thing.

House: Pupils are normal.

Park: Thyrotoxicosis?

House: Not… a terrible idea. I'm gonna go give him P.T.U. and T.L.C. I have no idea what that second one stands for.

[House stands up and walks out of his office.]

[Cut to the patient’s room. Barton is lying in bed, his daughter is standing on one side and House on the other.]

Barton: Things don't seem small anymore, they—[House is handing him the PTU pills and a glass of water.] I woke up from a nap and, uh, everything went from really small to really huge.

House: Well, then, these giant balls of medicine are not gonna work anymore. The change actually makes things simpler. Your occipital lobe is acting up, giving you a migraine.

Barton: I don't have a headache.

House [getting rid of the pills]: Not all migraines present that way. It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome.

Ainsley: Seriously?

House: I never joke. Good news is, it's treatable with medication. Bad news is… it can make you very, very late for very important dates. I sometimes joke.

Barton: Thank you, Doctor.

House [Grabbing his pad to write the prescription]: Well, if you really want to thank me, my department's not really a department. 'Cause my boss says he doesn't have the money. Which provides a nice contrast… with you.

Ainsley: trying to find money in our budget so we don't have to move our operations overseas.

House: I get it. Answer's no. Shouldn't have said anything. I'm just glad that the symptoms showed up before you left for China. [He hands Barton the prescription.] 'Cause I'm not sure the doctors over there would be so optimistic, considering… [Speaking Mandarin] How they look down on mental illness.

Barton [Surprised. Speaking Mandarin.]: You speak Mandarin?

Ainsley: What are you guys talking about?

House: Oh, just how different the two cultures are. For example, our opinions on mental illness. Here, it's considered a normal and treatable condition. [Speaking Mandarin] There, it’s taboo enough to destroy a high profile business deal.

Ainsley: Is everything okay?

Barton: Everything's fine.

House [Speaking Mandarin]: I’d never breach confidentiality, but… I could have you checked into a facility that exclusively treats mental disorders. How does that sound?

Ainsley: Whatever's gonna get him better.

Barton: Let's try the medication first. [Speaking Mandarin] How much do you want? [House smiles.]

[Cut to the cafeteria, House enters and walks to the table where Park and Adams are having lunch.]

House: You're hired! Oh, you guys are gonna love Doctors Chase and Taub. [He grabs a chair and sits with them.] Keep your Nazi sentiments quiet around the little one.

Park: You got the money? How?

House: Patient's a smart businessman.

Adams: He's destroying thousands of jobs.

House: Jobs are not being destroyed. They're being relocated. The fact that you see that as inherently bad means you're an irrational patriot. To put it another way, a patriot.

Park: Patriotism is natural. We've always relied on our tribes to keep us safe. It's helpful for society if its members have positive feelings about that society.

House: Iranian women. Drag Queens in Uganda. Patriotism is nothing but loyalty to real estate, real estate that's been conquered 800 times by 800 different regimes with 800 different cultures. But each time, it's just the best. [House leans in and grabs the burger in Adams’s plate.] I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.

Adams: I'll go check on the patient. [She gets up and whispers in House’s ear as he is about to bite into the burger.] I have Hepatitis C.

[House puts it down and grabs the burger in Park’s plate.]

Park [Leaving as well]: She got it from me.

[Cut to the hallway outside Barton’s room. Adams is reading his medical file, Ainsley approaches her.]

Ainsley: Hey, how's my dad doing?

Adams: Ah, great. His vision's back to normal, and if he remains asymptomatic through the night, we'll be able to release him in the morning.

Aisnley [Texting on her phone] : Any chance that could happen before 9:00? [Adams is surprised.] Our stock dropped a couple points today with the news that he's sick. I would love for him to get out of here before the market opens.

Adams: No offense, but, uh, I think it's terrible your dad's closing down all your American operations.

Ainsley: I don't think he's moving the company out of greed. He's moving it out of grief. My mom, she died four months ago. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and… It's been hard for him — living in their house, driving down the same streets. I mean, he's constantly reminded of her.

[Suddenly alarms are beeping in Barton’s room. Both women enter it. Barton is sitting up in his bed, coughing up blood.]

Ainsley: Dad?

Adams: I need an intubation kit in here!

Ainsley: What's going on?

[Cut to Foreman’s office. House, Adams and Park are in a small sitting area, specifically where Cuddy’s desk used to be. They are reviewing the case.]

Adams: Angiography showed a hemorrhagic site in the left lower lobe.

Park: I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Are you sure Foreman's okay with this thing in his office?

House: He's never gonna know. He's actually in here right now.

Adams: Blood count and protein count are normal.

House: I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Sorry, but after Park sent out here hospital-wide non-apology apology this morning, I assume that plagiarism is the new black.

Park: If it makes Andrews look sympathetic…

House: Copying him makes you look pathetic. And I will pay you not to go to anger management classes.

Park: What about another clotting problem? Factor 5 Leiden deficiency.

House: It's possible. Adams is the one who needs to deal with her anger.

Adams: Myelodysplastic syndrome.

House: I heard about your conversation with the patient's daughter. You were hostile.

Adams: Well, their company's making a decision I strongly disagree with.

House: Yet you were never anything but courteous to the racists and rapists in prison. Those guys made decisions you supported?

Adams: Myelodysplastic syndrome.

House: I'm guessing it has something to do with the funeral you attended yesterday morning.

Adams: I was at a job interview.

House: You got to work at 9:15. Closest hospital with an opening in your specialty is 45 minutes away. It's not possible. My condolences.

Adams: I wasn't at a funeral.

House: That just leaves… everywhere but a job interview.

Foreman [Standing at the door. He is holding his coat in one hand and his bag in the other.] Get out.

House: Who goes there? Reveal yourself!

Foreman: Now. [He enters and walks toward his desk.]

House: Well, we would. But Orthopedics is still squatting in two thirds of my office, which is weird, 'cause you got a large check last night. [He points at the desk.]

[Foreman grabs the check and takes a look at it.]

Foreman: From a corporation that's going through a very public belt-tightening. Means this donation was given under duress. Patient didn't tell me the whole story, but he did say he'd be thrilled if we didn't cash this. [He rips up the check.] Got a policy review meeting in here in five minutes. Good-bye.

[They all get up and as they leave House stops beside Foreman.]

Foreman: What are you doing?

House: Holding your ass. You really didn't know?

[The camera angle now lets us see House’s hand grabbing Foreman’s rear end.]

Park: House…

House: Just trying to help you out here. I figure for sure he'd punch me in the face, thus proving it's a natural response. My God, you have super-human discipline. And glutes.

Foreman: Get your hands off me. [House let go and leaves the office. He winks at Foreman on his way out.]

Park: Sorry.

Foreman: Go.

[In the main lobby, the three doctors are walking to the elevators.]

Park: Why… did you do that?

House: We have a bet.

Park: But he's the chair of the disciplinary committee. Forget about the bet.

House: You two really need to do your homework with me. Treat the patient with activated protein c.

Adams: If he has myelodysplastic syndrome, he'll bleed out.

Park: And if he has Factor 5 Leiden deficiency, he'll throw another clot.

House: Exactly. It's a conclusive test. There's no actual risk. [The elevator doors open and House enters.] As long as you're both paying attention, and are both good enough to work here. [The doors close.]

[Cut to Barton’s room. Both Park and Adams are standing by the patient’s bed.]

Barton: I hear one of you thinks I'm a real bastard.

Adams: I guess that would be me.

Barton: Your boss uses blackmail, and you question my professional ethics?

Adams: Will you be instituting worker safety regulations in your new factories?

Barton: Oh, absolutely.

Adams: What about juice boxes in the break room for the children you'll be hiring?

Barton: Charges of child exploitation against American companies have been blown
way out of proportion.

Park: My ten-year-old cousin lives near Cebu City. Works at an American factory.

Adams: I am so sorry.

Park: It's the best thing for him. It sucks, but the Filipino factories suck worse, and the schools would suck if they existed. So this is the family's best hope. [Barton is scratching his neck.] Are you okay?

Barton: Is this supposed to itch like this?

[Cut to House’s office. Sawing sounds can be heard from the Orthopedics room. House is sitting at his desk. He is blasting a mini-strobe light at one of the doctors next door. Park and Adams come in.]

House: Itching. Interesting.

Adams: Not interesting. Already went away.

House: Doubly interesting. Means we have to explain the arrival and the departure.

[The orthopedic doctor stops what he is doing and walks in House’s office.]

Ortho doctor: That's real mature, House.

House [still pointing the light at him.]: What do you mean? This is outlandishly childish. I custom-built this puppy. It's got 106 leds, each one sending light to your eyes, slightly different wavelength.

Ortho doctor: Turn that off.

House: Different wavelengths are stimulating your autonomic nervous system. That's what's making you feel like you're on a boat in choppy waters.

[The Ortho doctor becomes nauseated, runs back into the Orthopedics room, grabs the garbage can and throws up.]

House: Oh ho ho! Cool.

Ortho doc: You think I'm not — you think I'm not gonna go to Foreman with this?

House [Turns off the light]: Oh, you will. And… I'll deny it, and he'll believe you. But then these two believe that the policy of protecting American jobs starts at home. So they'll never testify against me. And you won't be able to prove anything.

[The Ortho doctor gives up and leaves House’s office.]

House: Now, if I punched him in the face, that he could prove.

Adams: I remember you saying something about how loyalty to real estate was stupid.

House: This is about reclaiming stolen property! Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid.

Park: First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream too?

House: French vanilla, yeah. To willfully identify yourself as something else is a perversion of self-expression.

Adams: I had a thought. Other than the fact that loyalty is the basis of all meaningful relationships. The daughter said that her mother died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What if she was misdiagnosed?

House: Dutch chocolate's not bad. Gotta give 'em that.

Adams: Her lymphoma could have been caused by a virus, HTLV-1, which our patient contracted through having sex with his wife.

House: In other words, loyalty gave him cancer. I like it. Start him on radiation. [He leaves his office.]

[Cut to a clinic room. House is treating a young Asian man with a black eye who has a mannequin attached to him as part of his Halloween costume. House is stitching up his lacerations.]

Asian man: Chang and Eng Bunker. It's the most famous conjoined twins in history. 2011 is the bicentennial of their birth.

House: The best Halloween costumes are always the ones that need an explanation. [Park comes in.] What took you so long? I already lost one of them.

Park: You need help with the lacerations?

House: No, I think I got palliative. Why don't you take preventative?

Park: Prevent what? He got in a fight.

House: Which he started. Which means he's both irascible and stupid.

Asian man: I told the drunk, racist frat guy the proper term is "conjoined twin," not "Siamese."

House: I can't comment on the drunk or the frat. But Chang and Eng were both, in fact, born in Siam. And they were, in fact, twins. If your name was Richard, it would be okay for me to call you a Dick. But maybe some of the tripe you learn in anger management class might help keep this guy out of here the next time.

Park: Sometimes, it's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who really deserves it. But when you think about the consequences—

House: Okay, let's go.

Park: I thought you wanted me to help him with his anger.

House: No, I got everything I need.

[House takes a little recorder form his pocket and plays it.]

Park [on recorder]: Sometimes…

House: Sometimes… [With playback] It's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who deserves it. Wonder what the committee's gonna make of that.

[Cut to the radiation room. Barton is lying under the machine while Adams is in the control booth. They communicate with the microphones. Barton’s face appears on one of the screens in front of the young doctor.]

Barton: This is a waste of time. There's no way that Robin gave me an STD.

Adams: I know this is hard, and I'm sorry about your wife. If you'd like to talk to someone, we do have grief counselors at the hospital.
Barton: You sound like my daughter. I miss my wife, but it's not driving my decision-making.

Adams: You were CEO since 1988. You decided to move your company right after your wife died. It stands to reason that your emotions factored in.

Barton: My wife… is the only thing that keeps me here. I visit her grave once a week.

Adams: So your daughter was wrong. You just… really need a lot of money.

Barton: You ever hear of Kongo Gumi? Construction company in Japan founded in the year 578. Family-owned and operated. Building Buddhist temples for 50 generations. Wen—went bankrupt five years ago. You have any idea how that last CEO must have felt? Sorry, I… have to move.

[Adams gets up and walks to Barton. He seems to be uncomfortable breathing.]

Adams: Your heart rate is speeding up. Do you feel any tightness in your chest?

Barton: Yes, I figured it was from the radiation.

Adams: I think you're having a heart attack. [She puts a mask over his mouth to help him breathe.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. He is working at his desk. There’s a knock on the door.]

Wilson: Come in.

[Dr Park enters.]

Park: Dr. Wilson… I need your advice. Um… I bet House $100 that I wouldn't get fired after my disciplinary hearing. [She sits down in front of him.] Ever since then, he's been acting like he's actually trying to get me fired.

Wilson: That's because he is actually trying to get you fired.

Park: Does he hate me?

Wilson: Not sure that's relevant to the equation.

Park: So it's really over $100?

Wilson: Not sure the amount is relevant. He's fighting for his honor.

Park: He'll ruin my career.

Wilson: Not sure that's-

Park: What if I bet him $200 I will get fired.

Wilson: He sees competing debts with the same person as a disgrace to the game. He'll be even more motivated to beat you.

Park: If you were me, what would you do?

Wilson: You have to give him something he values more than honor. And you should update your resume.

[Cut to a hospital hallway the next day. Adams is walking with House. It looks like he just arrived, he is wearing his coat and has his backpack on his shoulder.]

Adams: EKG and troponins were equivocal. It's not even clear if our patient just had a heart attack or what it was.

House: Let's look at segmental wall motion abnormalities. Get him an echo to confirm. I need $200,000. [Adams looks shocked and amused.] His company's lost one third of its value since he was admitted.

Adams: And you want to do some insider trading? I take it felonies aren't a violation of your parole?

House: It's not insider trading. Just betting on myself to solve the case. Once we cure him, share price goes up, I pay you back.

Adams: No.

House: No, you don't say "no." You… make a counter offer.

Adams: I'm not loaning my boss money.

House: Fine. I'll make you a counter. $100,000. $20,000. I'll buy options instead of shares. More risk, but more upside. But that's as low as I'm gonna go.

Adams: I could do $5,000.

House: Really? No backsies.

Adams: If… you double your clinic hours. Six a week. I've seen how you disrespect those patients.

House: So you want twice as many of them disrespected?

Adams: Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more humanely.

House: And this time, a land war in Russia will be a good idea.

Adams: Deal?

House: Here's what I'm thinking. You went to a parole hearing, where one of your old patients was denied. Hence the attire, hence the tardiness. And, most important, hence the anger. You think you can restore the cosmic balance by doing extra good here. More annoyingly, by having me do it. [Adams walks away.] And deal!

[House enters his office while typing on his phone. He is quite shocked by the view. Everything on and near his desk, including his char, is wrapped in plaster cast. House goes to the Ortho doctor who is once again busy sawing off a patient’s cast.]

House: Of course, you know… this means war.

[Buzzing stops]

Ortho doctor: Oh, I know. I mean, you'll escalate, and then I'll retaliate, and the cycle will continue until we've both gone too far, at which point, I'll… maybe get suspended and… you'll go back to prison. [smiling] Happy pranking.

[Cut to House’s office, at night.]

Adams: Patient had V-tach in the echo lab, so we capped him, but… coronary arteries were clean.

Park: If the plumbing's fine, check the electrical. EP study.

House: Nice idea. Even has a metaphor in it. Not worth more than my honor. But delightful, all the same.

Park: I'm not going to lose. My college roommate is the editor of the Yale Law Review. She's writing my opening statement.

House: You will be eloquent in your loss. This case boils down to he said, she said. He said, "I've been working at this hospital for 15 years and I'm taking self-improvement classes." She said, "I've been a fellow for two months, and I'm kind of weird."

Park: No, he said, "I'm a drunk idiot who thinks he can grab girls' behinds without ramifications."

Adams: Wait, he was drunk? In the hospital?

Park: I already told Foreman he'd been drinking that night.

House: Andrews was taking sexual harassment classes, not AA. That means he didn't get in trouble for drinking. Which means that Foreman signed off on it, which means that he set all the wheels in motion. Forget that. Wild speculation. Go do the EP study.

[Both women leave House alone in his office.]

[Cut to Foreman’s office. Park is standing in front of him.]

Park: You already knew Andrews was drinking that night, didn't you?

Foreman: Yes.

Park: I think you should cancel my hearing.

Foreman: I hope this isn't going where I assume it's going.

Park: You're the one who brought Andrews in. You set the wheels in motion.

Foreman: We had a patient who was going to die without an AVM embolization. Andrews… was the only neurologist I could reach. He told me had a few glasses of wine, and that he shouldn't do it, but he also said that you were good. You were ready to do one, as long as you were supervised. So we agreed that he would come in, but wouldn't touch the patient.

Park: I can understand the rationalization. We'll see if the Board agrees when I tell them the whole story at my hearing

Foreman [sighs]: I already did. I had a closed session hearing last week. The Board decided to dock me two weeks pay.

Park: Oh.

Foreman: Been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long.

[Cut to a hospital room where Adams is performing the EP study on Barton. Park comes in.]

Adams: No sign of any electrical abnormalities in the right atrium.

Park: I'm so dead. I-I think House set me up. Have you sent the committee a character reference for me?

Adams: I thought you don't like favors.

Park: I don't like gifts. It wouldn't be a gift. I would just be you telling the truth.

Adams: I hardly know you.

[The monitor suddenly beeps.]

Adams: O2 sat is 89. Did we perforate? Is he tamponading?

Park: Heart rate's only 90. Neck veins are flat.

Adams: Then why isn't he saturated?

[Park puts an oxygen mask on Barton.]

[Cut to the hallway by Barton’s room. House stops in front of the candy machine.]

House: Seems healthy to me. Let's release him. My option to sell Barton Foods at $34 is about to expire. So they thought the patient would be better by now. Instead, I am going to lose $20,000.

Adams: 20?

House: Your five plus the five I stole from Wilson. Plus the ten I got on margin. You're gonna have to talk to my bankruptcy attorney. [He grabs the chocolate bar he paid for.] Unless… There is a way that you can get your money back. [They all star walking.] Give me the full $200,000.

Adams: And extrapolating, tomorrow you'll owe just shy of $1 million.

House: It's your own fault. You forced me to go with the options here. Your damn anger issues are screwing with my finances. Regular stock this time, nice and safe.

Adams: I'm not angry. I don't know if you're trying to make me angry.

House: You refuse to bet on yourself. That means low self-esteem.

Adams: So if I give you $200,000, I'll feel smart and pretty.

House: Low self-esteem can be brought on by exposure to one's relatives. Nice clothes and anger… Classic symptoms. Family gathering. You were late the other day 'cause you were having breakfast with Grammy Adams or Cousin Itt. And she was nagging you about finding a husband.

Adams (annoyed): All right, this is getting annoying. I'll just tell you what I was—

House: Ah, ah, ah, ah! [He stops her with his cane.] No spoilers. They ruin everything.

Park [pointing behind her]: Pulmonology was that way.

House: Our patient's lung problem is not a lung problem. It's a brain problem. We're consulting with Neurology.

[House stops in front of the office door of Dr Mark Andrews.]

Park: That's my old boss. You don't actually think this is neurological.

House: I don't know what it is. Maybe I should just accept the patient's death, if getting help can lead to awkwardness.

[He enters without knocking. Andrews is working at his desk.]
House: Dr. Andrews. My associates. Doctors Adams and Park. [park seems very uncomfortable.]

[Andrews gets up and comes closer to them. He seems startled to see Park but quickly regains his composure.]

Andrews: Ah. Nice to meet you, Dr. Adams. Hello, Dr. Park.

House (innocently): You two know each other? It's a small world. Dr. Park, maybe you'll like to update our esteemed colleague on the condition of our patient.

Park: Micropsia, bleeding, tachycardia, and difficulty breathing.

House [Opening the candy wrap and leaning over to Andrews]: Cute butt, huh?

Adams: Can we go now?

House: You really wanna turn your back on this guy? Sorry. Carry on.

Andrews: Uh… well… It sounds like there could be spinal cord involvement. Have you considered normal pressure hydrocephalus?

House: Okay, normal pressure hydrocephalus going once. Normal pressure hydrocephalus going twice…

Park: It's not his spinal cord, it's the wiring between his heart and his brain. Autonomic dysregulation syndrome. You do a tilt table test, see how his heart rate responds. That'll confirm.

Andrews: Well, if he has normal pressure hydrocephalus, a tilt table test could put him in a coma.

Park: Then it's a good thing he has A.D.S.

House: Do you really believe in this diagnosis? Because if this is just a pissing contest, you are at a severe anatomical disadvantage.

Park: It's autonomic dysregulation syndrome.

House: No… it's normal pressure hydrocephalus. Do a spinal fluid test to confirm.

[Cut to the hallway. Adams and Park are walking.]

Park: We're doing the tilt table.

Adams: That makes sense. You'd rather have House fire you than Foreman?

Park: This bet's got to be a test. See if I can handle working with him. I need to prove I have the confidence to disobey him.

Adams: Do you have any medical justification for your diagnosis?

Park: The symptoms fit, and Andrews is a hack. Do you think I'm right? [Adams nods.]
Let's go.

Adams: No… you need to go prepare for your hearing.

[Cut to the control booth where Adams is administering the tilt table test.]

Adams: 15 more minutes, Mr. Barton.

[Foreman comes in.]

Foreman: A skin resurfacing laser is missing.

Adams: And why are you asking me about it?

Foreman: Because you work for House.

Adams: What would House want with a skin resurfacing laser?

Foreman: I have no idea. Have you seen it?

Barton: My feet feel hot.

Adams: That's completely normal. No, but House has been talking about how badly he wants to remove those prison tats.

Foreman: It's a very expensive machine, and I'd like it back. Please tell me if you hear anything.

Adams: How expensive?

Foreman: $200,000. He took it.

Adams: I have no idea.

Foreman: Park's hearing's about to start.

Adams: You're covering for him. I did the same thing many times. My advice to you — figure out what line you aren't willing to cross for him. Because, eventually, he'll ask you to cross it.

[Foreman leaves the booth.]

Adams: How are your feet? [The patient doesn’t answer.] Mr. Barton? Can you hear me, Mr. Barton? [She checks his pulse.] Oh, no.

[Cut to a conference room. Dr Park is sitting in front of a panel of five doctors. Foreman is presiding.]

Foreman: We have convened the disciplinary committee to decide the appropriate action that should be taken against Dr. Chi Park as a result of her actions on October 7th of this year. Dr. Park, do you have an opening statement.

Park: Dr. Foreman, members of the committee, thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak to you today, I…

[Suddenly, House bursts into the room.]


House (looking furious): Good news. You can cancel the hearing. 'Cause I'm firing her myself.

Foreman: She's not yours to fire.

House: You guys better fire her for insubordination, 'cause she went rogue, and my patient is now in a coma.

Adams: I'm the one who did the test.

Park: No, it was my idea!

[Foreman stands up and walks to House.]

Foreman: Seriously, House?

[Two policemen enter the room and grab House to take him away.]

House: At least I'm smart enough to know what I don't know. She went out of her way to defy me! She needs—[Screaming, out of sight] Damn it, you should just fire her!

Foreman: My apologies. [He sits down.] My apologies, Dr. Park. Dr. House's comments will, of course, have no bearing on this hearing. Please continue.

Park (troubled): I, uh…

[Cut to hospital hallway]

Adams: I can't believe you did that.

House: Right back at ya. Our patient's dying. We need theories.

Adams: It's gotta be normal pressure hydrocephalus. Andrews predicted the coma.

House: Yeah, but even a broken doctor's right twice a day. Patient wasn't wet, wobbly, or wacky. Coma had to be a lucky guess.

Adams: If you didn't think he was right, then why did you want us to collect his spinal fluid?

House: I didn't. I wanted you to do a tilt table test.

Adams: You have a wonderful way of communicating.

House: I knew Park wanted to do a tilt table. She listens to me, I waste an hour. If she defies me… Then I get the test I want and my 100 bucks. [Holding his hand up] Up high.

Adams (pissed): You're an ass.

House: You're angry.

Adams: Yes! Now I'm angry. Let's run the test for normal pressure hydrocephalus.

House: No. What else would explain our symptoms and make our patient go into a coma during that test? How 'bout hepatic encephalopathy?

Adams: No, we already tested his liver enzymes. They're normal.

House: Or his liver's so far gone it can't even produce enzymes.

Adams: That's desperate. Fits the symptoms. And Andrews is a hack. Go biopsy to confirm. Unless you want your own hearing.

Adams: You'd have to hire me first.

[Cut to the hearing.]

Foreman: So you do realize that it is unacceptable to hit someone in the workplace?

Park (uncomfortable): Yes, completely unacceptable. I wasn't thinking. I guess, I mean — yes, technically, I was thinking. I just… It happened so fast, I did, I… I… It's like… It's like it wasn't even me. I would never do something like that. Even though I did. I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense right now. I, um… I don't know, I… just really love being a doctor so much. And I barely even have $100 and… Please don't fire me?

[They all stare at her.}

[Cut to Barton’s room. Adams is performing the biopsy. Ainsley is sitting on the other side of the bed, holding her dad’s hand.]

Ainsley: Is this theory more promising than the others?

Adams: We'll know in a few hours. How are you holding up?

Ainsley: Other than the fact that my dad's in a coma… Terrible. Tomorrow morning, I am supposed to sign a piece of paper that will… move the company and cost thousands of employees their jobs.

Adams: I thought you'd rather see the company go under in New Jersey than thrive in China.

Ainsley: It's what my dad wants. And it's still his company. I'm really just keeping the seat warm. But unless he wakes up before tomorrow, it's gonna be my signature on that piece of paper.

Adams: You don't have to sign it. I'll let you know when we have the results.

[Cut to House’s office. He is pacing the floor, and playing with the big red and grey ball with his cane. Adams comes in with the results.]

Adams: Biopsy was clean. It's not his liver. I also ran the spinal fluid test, and you were right that Andrews was wrong. His ICP was not normal. It was elevated. What about HTLV?

House: We ruled that out three days ago.

Adams: Because of his heart problems, but—

House: Once something gets taken off the board, I'm the only one who's allowed to put it back on.

[Park runs in happily, raising her arms in victory and making crowd-cheering noises.]

Park [pointing at House]: You owe me 106,804 Yuan. Or $100 U.S.

[She imitates an explosion sound!]

House: God, but you're petty. Okay, so… two options. Either we figure out what's wrong with this guy, or we figure out how to make this company profitable in New Jersey.

Adams: Eastern equine encephalitis?

[Sounds of sawing come once again from the room next door.]

House (screaming): Thinking in here!

Park: Brain scans indicate it could be Loa loa disease.

[Buzzing continues]

House: Ah, shut it off!

[House angrily runs in the Ortho room and grabs the doctor by his coat.]

House: Apparently we're allowed to do this now.

[As he is about to punch him, he notices a bone x-ray on a screen behind the doctor and has an idea.]

Ortho doctor: Get out of here, House!

House (thinking): Start the patient on plasmapheresis. He'll wake up in an hour. [Satisfied, he addresses the Ortho doc] It's been a pleasure having you in the neighborhood.

[Cut to the patient’s room. Barton wakes up, House is sitting next to the bed.]

House: This diagnosis was brought to you by the letter "Y."

Ainsley: Dad… God, you're okay.

Barton: I'm thirsty.

House: That's a side effect of not dying. Turns out your blood was getting thick and syrupy. Complexes of large, y-shaped antibodies were clogging up your blood vessels, causing your organs to shut down one by one. Now, usually with hyperviscosity syndrome, it's caused by an elevated blood count or protein count. Yours eluded us 'cause it was caused by antibodies from your rheumatoid arthritis. Now that they're being filtered out, the blood would be… a little less duck sauce and a little more soy sauce.

Barton: So I'm gonna be completely cured.

House: It's not all about you. Your stock price will be completely cured. Once you sign this. [He hands him the paper.] It's a press release. It says that you're healthy, you're going back to work, and you're signing the lease that officially moves the company to China.

Ainsley: He just woke up. Dad, you don't have to deal with this right now. [House stops her.]

House: Ah, mm, yeah, actually… he does. 'Cause the market opens at 9:00 a.m. And this means a lot to me. You may remember me from the time I saved your life.

Ainsley: If you move it, it'll be without me.

Barton: I know you object. I know you disagree with—

Ainsley: Dad… I can't do it. If this is really about family, you will not do this.

[Barton hesitates but finally grabs the pen House was handing him and signs the paper. Ainsley walks out.]

[Next morning. Cut ot PPTH lobby, House wheels in the skin resurfacing laser. Wilson approaches him.]

House: Morning.

[Wilson hands him a wad of cash.]

House: Got lucky this time.

Wilson: No, you didn't. I made this bet so you'd stop actively trying to fire Park so you'd be neutral. You went out of your way to help her. She obviously earned your respect, passed whatever test you—

House: I sabotaged her hearing. You do read the school paper, don't you?

Wilson [Chuckles]: If you had sabotaged her hearing, she would have gotten more than a slap on the wrist. What you actually did was make her emotional and make the board members see her as a victim.

House: 'Cause the panel feels badly for incompetent doctors who nearly kill people.

Wilson: You know that everyone on that panel hates you. You know the minute you recommend firing anyone, they start discussing how big a bonus to give them.

House: That's just hurtful. The fact is, winning $100 from you gives me more pleasure than winning $100 from her. Here's your five grand. [House hands him a check and Wilson takes it, surprised.]

Wilson: What five grand?

House: Just take it. Trust me.

[House wheels the laser to Foreman’s office.]

House: Found her sleeping in the park. Said she ran away because her daddy didn't love her. And that is exactly what happened… as far as you can prove.

Foreman: Congratulations. You're not going to jail… today. But you do know I just can't let this slide. You need to keep up your rep.

House: Fine. Clinic hours. I'll double them.

Foreman: Okay. 12 hours a week.

House: No… Three times two equals six.

Foreman: And 3 times 2 times 2 is 12. I know about your deal with Adams.

[House reaches for a check in the inside pocket of his coat. He hands it to Foreman.]

House: Call Chase and Taub. Get 'em in here. The boys are back.

Foreman: This check is for significantly more than what I told you it would take to fund the department.

House: I know.

[Cut to the Ortho room, which is now officially House’s again. He is waiting for someone. Adams finally comes in.]

Adams: You paged me?

[House presents her with a skeleton. It is wearing a white lab coat. He takes it and hands it to her.]

House: Congratulations.

[She smiles and lets him put it on her.]

House: You caught your boyfriend cheating that morning. You had a big fight. That's why you were late. You re-pitched an S.T.D. You haven't gotten two consecutive minutes without using the word "loyalty," which explains the anger and the low self-esteem, and the desire to feel pretty… after having been rejected explains the clothes.

Adams: It wasn't my boyfriend. It was my husband. I was at my lawyer's office signing the divorce papers.

House: Wow. I missed the fact that you were married.

Adams: We've been separated for almost a year.

House: So… old news? No anger left? [He waits for her answer but she stays quiet. House grabs a baseball bat and hands it to Adams. He shows her all the equipment left around them.] It's all bought and paid for.

[She takes the bat; House puts on a pair of safety glasses. Starting with the skeleton, Adams destroys the room, piece by piece. House is smiling. Cat Stevens’s “Morning has broken” is playing in the background.]

♪♫ Morning has broken

♪♫ like the first morning

♪♫ blackbird has spoken

♪♫ like the first bird

♪♫ praise for the singing

♪♫ praise for the morning

♪♫ praise for them springing

♪♫ fresh from the word


Ending credits.


Tags: season 8
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