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House MD - 8.03 Charity Case

Originally Aired: October 17, 2011

Written by: Sara Hess
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Max


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



The show opens with a woman showing a guy (Benjamin) his way around an office, where he is going to be taught the abilities needed to get a job.

Lady: If you don't know how to use a computer, we will teach you here. Most jobs require at least basic word processing skills. We try to get you up to 50 words per minute. We also have a course in how to talk to someone in an interview. Stuff like what employers are looking for, how to turn negatives into positives. We can also provide clothes for the interview if you need them. People donate shoes and suits all the time.

Benjamin: Wh-what if I had a history with, uh… with drugs?

Lady: That is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of our clients have struggled with addiction, and, if you want to get clean, we'll help you do that.

Benjamin: And what if I have a kid?

Lady: No one to help you?

Benjamin: You know, if I need someone to watch her while I'm in class or, uh, on an interview. Could you help with that?

Lady: We do not provide child care. Actually, it's something that comes up often. I would love to be able to do it. I just don't have the resources. But it's definitely on the wish list.

Benjamin: Okay… Okay, uh, thank you. I'll be back.

[Cell phone ringing]

Lady: Oh, I have to take this. Yes, please come back, we'll get you started. It was nice to meet you, Benjamin.

[Phone continues to ring]
Lady: Okay.

Lady: Hey, Oscar. Agh! Oh, that is too bad. Did they tell you why?
(As Benjamin exits the office, the lady looks down on an envelope that lies on the floor. It has the words ‘For Phoenix’ written on it. She picks it up, looking a bit confused.)

Lady: Yeah… Mm-hmm. Well, you know what? Sometimes, you just don't get the job, but…

(As she opens the envelope, she looks stunned.)

Lady: Oscar, I gotta call you back.
(We see a check donating one million dollars to the Phoenix Foundation, the office Benjamin just left. The check is from The Benjamin Byrd Foundation, and we learn that Benjamin is a rich philanthropist.)

Lady: Oh… uh, uh…

(She runs towards Benjamin, who is walking across the street.)

Lady: Benjamin! Benjamin, wait!

(Benjamin suddenly collapses. She rushes to him)

Lady: Oh, my God. Uh…

[Grunting]

Lady: Somebody call an ambulance!




[H]OUSE m.d.




House, who is in the bathroom at PPTH, opens a little bag, takes out an electric shaver and plugs it to the wall. He puts the razor on, and stares at himself in the mirror for a little while. He starts shaving his beard, but then begins trimming his hair as well.

[Clippers buzz]

[Clippers shut off]

[Clippers buzzing]

Park: Why am I watching you cut your hair?

House: If I do it at home, I'm the one who has to clean it up.

Park: I was referring less to where it’s happening and more to why.

House: New life, new look.

(They exit the bathroom, and start walking towards House’s office.)
Park: Does that mean you like your new life?

House: If you're asking if your job is safe, that depends on what you have to say about the file you're holding.

Park: It doesn't seem like much of a case. Although, I'm sure I'm wrong…

House: You are. Tell me why.

Park: Guy collapsed after being on his feet for hours on a hot day without breakfast, so… that's really weird.

House: E.R. found nothing wrong, then I decided I should test his wallet.

Park: He's rich? That's why we're taking the case?

House: No, we're taking the case because no one knows what's wrong with him. And he's rich.

(They enter House’s office, where a young gorgeous woman is sitting, waiting for him.)

House: Dr. Adams. (To Park) Give her the file.

Park: This is my only copy.

House: My M.O. depends upon the use of a team. Definitionally, that involves… more than one person. So I really have no choice. Give her the file.

Park: You can't afford a team.

House: Adams is free. And I'm referring both to her availability and her price tag (Adams gives him a look). New girl, meet newer girl, and vice versa.

Adams: You said we were meeting for coffee.

House: Well, when someone asks if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait… did you think I was referring to sex? (To Park) Would you shut the blinds on your way out?

Adams: I thought you were referring to talking.

House: Talking about medicine. Specifically, as it refers to the guy whose name is on the file she still hasn't handed you.

Adams: I'm not working, House. I'm in the process of looking for a paying job.

House: In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you has been volunteering all over town — ladling kittens, spaying soup…

Adams: There is a free clinic in Trenton.

House: Well, think of this as today's free clinic. Only with fewer bums with herpes.

Park: I don't think we actually have much of a case. I think it's just dehydration.

House: What happened the last time another doctor told you I was wrong about a case?

Adams: I lost my job.

House: You saved a life.

--Cut to: Benjamin’s room--

Benjamin: Is an ultrasound really necessary? I'm feeling much better now.

Adams: Oh, a sudden collapse at your age can indicate a deterioration of the heart muscle. Pretty serious condition.

Park: It can also just be dehydration. (To Benjamin) Next time, you could probably drop the undercover act.

[Chuckles]

Benjamin: I walk in a suit, and they're gonna put their best foot forward. Also, I don't own a suit.

Adams: (While performing the ultrasound) You give away millions and you don't own a suit?

Benjamin: I gave those away too. One day, I was writing a check to my landscaper, and it suddenly hit me — $6,000 to take out plants and put in different plants. So I can look at them. Shouldn't I use that money to do something important?

Adams: And by money, you mean all your money.

Benjamin: I started with 10 million, and I couldn't think of a reason not to give 20. Or 40. I figure I could live off $25,000 a year. One-room apartment. Bus pass, thrift stores. Bare necessities. I still have my software company. And when I make more, I'll give that way too.

--Cut to: House’s office--

Park: He's nuts.

Adams: He's generous.

Park: There's a neurological issue. He's getting rid of everything.

(Buzzing sounds come from the orthopedic department)

Adams: His echocardiogram is negative for cardiomyopathy. Head CT showed no signs of stroke or hemorrhage.

Park: He has one pair of pants.

Adams: Most people with his kind of money are commissioning oil paintings of their Yorkshire terrier. Benjamin is sacrificing his own comfort to help others.

House: That's because helping others is his Yorkie oil painting.

Adams: That's good. Not sick.

Park: That's naive and sick. You really want to improve things? You do it through policy. This guy empties his pockets, what really changes?

House: That's right, all those babies with AIDS, they're just using us.

Park: My parents had $800 between them when they got here. They scraped and borrowed so we could go to good schools, and I worked my ass off. No one gave me a handout. It makes me work harder.

House: (Pointing to Adams) Rebuttal.

(Foreman enters)
Foreman: What's your evil plan?

House: I object to your cynicism.

Foreman: It's been earned.

House: That's what I object to. The new Dean of Medicine has an ethical obligation to come in with a completely open mind about all employees, thus letting me blithely run roughshod for at least four weeks.

Foreman: My theory is that you're running a battery of tests to convince him that you saved his life, then con him into funding you to hire back your team.

House: (Sarcastically) What?

Park: Your old team?

House: [Shouts] What?

Foreman: This is your new reality. You've got your office. You've got neighbors. You've got one employee, one volunteer. Until she finds actual, paid work, or gets sick of you.

House: I talked to Chase and Taub. They're willing to come back.

Foreman: What about Thirteen?

House: Not a good choice. She's not long term because she has no long term.

Foreman: Not taking your calls?

House: She will.

Foreman: Discharge the patient.

House: Unexplained loss of consciousness could be cardiomyopathy, global anoxia, subarachnoid hemorrhage—

Foreman: Dehydration. He was given fluids, and he got better. And I'm sure your tests have come up negative, or you would have shut me up already. Which means he goes home.

Park: There is a symptom… Extreme altruism.

Foreman: You've got two choices, House. You can recognize that your patient is just a very nice, healthy guy, and send him home, or you can consider altruism a symptom. In which case, you cannot take his money. (Walks out)

House: (To Park) Send him home. And check with admitting for the net worth of all new patients.

--Cut to: PPTH lobby--

Thirteen: (Sitting in a couch) I'm not coming back, House.

House: Technically, you're back right now.

Thirteen: (While standing up)I need you to stop calling me. First 17 messages were cute, but—

House: I'm putting the band back together.

Thirteen: Interesting that you never showed up at my place, what with your love of annoying me and your inability to take no for an answer. I'm guessing ankle monitor.

House: (Showing her his monitor) Guilty as charged. Literally.

Thirteen: I'm not a doctor anymore, House.

House: The job went away, but not the profession. You look healthy, so… that's not it. You met a boy. Or a girl. Fall in love, wanna be happy. You decided to… enjoy what time you have left. You're going to Thailand.

Thirteen: Girl. And Mykonos.

[House yawns]

Thirteen: Turns out I like boring.

House: No, you wanna like boring. But if you actually liked boring, you would have figured that out in fifth grade, when you were bored.

Thirteen: Please stop calling me.

House: (As she leaves) No.

(She stops, looks at him)
House: You showed up to tell me that you don't want to hear from me. That's a mixed signal. I will choose to listen to your actions rather than your words. They're more honest.

(Thirteen leaves)

--Cut to: Benjamin’s room--

Benjamin: I'm a little confused.

Park: The test is designed to determine if you're—

Benjamin: No, I mean you’re running a test and discharging me. Was I dehydrated or not?

Adams: I think so. But, out of an abundance of caution, my colleague has taken it upon herself to do one more test.

Benjamin: All right.

Adams: You scare me a little.

Benjamin: [Laughs] Why?

Adams: I've been considering applying to Doctors Without Borders. Going overseas a while and that seems like a huge sacrifice. But… you—

Park: You don't scare her. You make her feel guilty.

Benjamin: Oh, you… you like your life the way it is. Most people give the minimum they have to give so they can enjoy what they have left. I guess my minimum is just… higher than most.

Park: Complete recruitment and interference pattern. His leg muscles are fine.

Benjamin: I feel, uh, funny.

Adams: Where?

Benjamin: My chest.

Park: You're tachycardic. Your heart's beating too fast.

Adams: Unbelievable.

[Heart monitor beeping]

[Benjamin grunting]

--Cut to: House’s office--

Park: Patient got tachycardic to 185. We pushed 18 milligrams adenosine. There's definitely something wrong with him.

House: Which is awesome. Now there's something to cure, which means there's something to be disproportionately financially grateful for.

(Adams walks in)
Adams: Morning. Got you a coffee.

Park: Thanks.

House: Arrhythmia could easily have caused the collapse that landed Father Teresa in here in the first place.

(Park hands Adams two dollars)
Adams: Oh, that's fine. Keep it.

Adams: We looked at his heart yesterday, didn't see any structural abnormalities. I'm thinking occult long QT syndrome?

Park: What about Whipple's?

House: If it was Whipple's, there'd be some kind of neurological involvement.

Park: You don't think defying human nature is neurological?

House: Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition.

Park: Are you saying that because you believe it, or because it's in your financial best interest to think his generosity isn't just temporary?

House: I'm told that some people are just nice. I'm trying to embrace that wisdom.

Adams: Benjamin's been taking allergy medication the last few weeks. Long QT syndrome can be medication-induced.

House: Flush him with saline, get rid of the antihistamines, then do an EKG. No, wait. I'll do the flushing. (To Adams) Take the damn $2.00. She hasn't even sipped the coffee. (Walks out)

--Cut to: Benjamin’s room--

House: I just got so angry. You know? So I made a terrible mistake. Now I'm trying to start my life over. To help people the way I always wanted. But my department got defunded, and… it's my fault. Just can't stand to think of all those patients going untreated because I don't have the resources to do my best work.

Benjamin: How about I help you out?

House: How do you mean?

Benjamin: I'll give a million dollars as an endowment to the hospital, earmarked for diagnostics.

House: Wow. I am an opportunistic ex-con who just gave you a two-minute sob story as step three in my master plan, and you've offered me a million dollars. Which is step 17.

Benjamin: Is that bad?

House: Ethics are not my strong suit.

--Cut to: Wilson’s office--

House: Hypothetical — if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure.

Wilson: You can't take sex from a sexaholic. You can't give booze to an alcoholic, and you can't take this guy's money.

House: Could be wrong about the symptom. I'm wrong all the time.

Wilson: Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best.

House: What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people.

Wilson: We work for it.

House: I'm working!

Wilson: How much?

House: 20 dollars. (Wilson gesticulates) Well, what if it was? It's the same principle. 20 dollars, a million… What's the difference?

Wilson: Actually, the difference is pretty much a million dollars.

House: He came up with the figure, not me.

[Beeping]

Wilson: Crap. Got a patient with end stage renal disease. Her heart can't support dialysis. She needs a transplant, but… (House is thinking, looking distracted) you tuned out as soon as it stopped being about you, didn't you?

House: What?

Wilson: I gotta go.

House: It's all moot. Patient probably has long QT. Probably just a really, really decent person. They exist, right?

Wilson. You can't take the money, House. (Walks out)

--Cut to: Treatment room--

Benjamin: Is long QT bad?

Park: It's a tough thing to control. Is there someone you want me to call?

Benjamin: There's someone I would like to call. She's the same person who won't take my calls. My wife. When I started giving away the money, I-I hoped she'd want to do it with me. She didn't. I miss them. I have two little boys. Having a family doesn't exempt me from social responsibility.

Park: But family comes first.

Benjamin: It should. I know that sounds weird, but… someone who's related to you, does that empirically makes them more special? More deserving than anyone else?

Park: Yes, it gives you a responsibility.

Benjamin: My boys have a roof over their heads. They're not starving. I pay court-ordered child support, and, frankly, it's, uh… more than they need. I love them more than anything, I just… I can't justify buying video games and private schools when other people's children are starving. I hope, one day, they'll understand that.

Park: Your hands are trembling.

(His hands start shaking violently.)
Benjamin: Is it the electrodes?

Park: Are you in pain?

Benjamin: No. What's happening?

Park: I'm not sure, but it's not what we thought it was.

--Cut to: PPTH cafeteria--

House and Adams are sitting. House is eating potato chips.

House: So… arrhythmia, fainting, muscle tremors. Plus, unfortunately, mental changes.

Park comes in, and hands Adams a coffee. Adams looks a little bit surprised, but takes it.

Adams: (To House) I still don't think it's neurological. (Park sits beside Adams)

House: God bless you.

Park: He lost his wife and kids because he couldn't stop giving money away.

Adams: He lost his wife because she couldn't accept not being filthy rich.

House: (To Park) She's not drinking the coffee either.

Park: Drink it, don't drink it. The point is, I gave it to you, so we're even.

Adams: Even? It was a gift. An insignificant token. There was nothing owed. That was the whole point.

Park: Why?

Adams: Why?

House: Yeah, why?

Adams: She's the crazy one.

Park: So a guy gives everything away to strangers: Sane. Girl who doesn't want anything from a stranger: crazy.

Adams: You're not a stranger. And your perverse view of the world is making you force a neurological component onto an obviously cardiological—

House: Your parents didn't love you enough. So you need to prove your superiority. Or they love you too much, so you need to prove your humility. Or it's just rich guilt. I'm betting on the last one.

Adams: There's a whole list of drugs that could have caused his symptoms.

House: I doubt the guy would spend money on drugs when there are orphans out there without cable.

Park: Anyway, he'd be getting better right now, not worse. Could be polyarteritis nodosa.

Adams: That comes with a rash. Echovirus.

House: [Echoing] Virus, virus, virus, virus…

Adams: Fits his physical symptoms. And could, but doesn't necessarily cause personality changes. (House and Park look at her) Works for everyone?

House: Start him on antivirals. And, Adams… when you treat, and he gets better, and doesn't give Bob Cratchit Christmas day off, you owe me a coffee. (He gets up and walks out)

--Cut to: House’s office--

Thirteen: (on the phone from her house) Click the third tab from the left and find the box that says "previous entries." You get a drop-down menu sorted by patient name and department.

House: Thank you. Appreciate your help.

Thirteen: You're gonna read too much into this, aren't you?

House: No, not at all.

Thirteen: We're gonna fundamentally disagree about what it means to read too much into this. Aren't we?

House: Yes, absolutely.

Thirteen: Look, I thought about what you said, and I realized you were right.

House: Great. See you tomorrow morning.

Thirteen: No, you won't.

House: Afternoon? I can't think of another interpretation.

Thirteen: Shut up. Look, I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve. I'm never quite sure. But you were actually a friend to me when I needed it. I don't wanna come back to work for you. But I was wrong to try to push you out of my life.

House: (Looking at his computer screen) Everything has gone blue. That's not supposed to happen, right?

Thirteen: Stay there. I'm comin'.

House: No… you don't have to do that. Although, if you did come, maybe you could swing by the Hunan Palace and get some lo mein and a Szechuan beef.

Thirteen: That is six miles out of my way.

House: Oh, okay, then. Guess I'll get something from the hospital cafeteria, which is where I get all my meals since I can't go anywhere.

Thirteen: [Sighs] Fine. I'll get the food.

House: You're a peach.

--Cut to: PPTH locker room--

Park is using her locker, when Adams comes in.

Park: I started the last round of pleconaril.

Adams: Can you do me a favor?

Park: A favor? (Adams hands Park a box with a pair of heeled shoes in it) You want me to return these? Give them to someone? Wear them while you masturbate?

Adams: [Scoffs] I… want you to have them.

Park: That's not a favor.

Adams: It was a two-for-one sale. I couldn't resist. I need to justify buying them.

Park: They're $120. My car is in the shop. I'm short on cash this month. I can't pay you back. (Hands them to Adams)

Adams: The first pair were $120. These… (Returning them back to Park) were free.

Park: You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off?

Adams: Was it Santa? (Walks out)

--Cut to: PPTH lobby-- (House is signing out)

Wilson: What's your patient's status?

House: Better. We're discharging him.

Wilson: [Sighs] Good. (Starts walking back to the clinic)

House: Hey, hey, hey. Why do you care? Specifically. Although I'm curious about a general answer too.

Wilson: Your guy just signed up to donate a kidney to my patient with renal failure.

House: Did he meet your patient with renal failure?

Wilson: No, he heard the nurses talking about her, that she was short on time.

House: I was wrong.

Wilson: Don't say that. House, she really needs this kidney.

House: He's not better. His mental status is declining.

Wilson: Or he's doing an amazing thing for another human being.

House: I thought it was an ethical no-brainer that we can't take stuff from sick people.

Wilson: I changed my mind.

(House walks towards the clinic)

--Cut to: PPTH corridor, walking to Benjamin’s room--

House: He's still sick.

Wilson: His symptoms have gone away.

House: Not all of them. Offering an organ to a stranger is a symptom.

Wilson: A couple dozen people a year make undirected kidney donations.

House: Yeah, how many of them are also in the process of pauperizing themselves?

Wilson: If the guy threw himself on a grenade, he'd be a hero. If it saves a life, who cares?

House: You do! Yesterday, when you made the exact opposite argument. If there's even a chance I'm right, it'd be dangerous to give his kidney to someone else.

Wilson: More dangerous than complete renal failure? My patient needs this. Now.

Foreman (Entering Benjamin’s room): Why do you wanna give away your kidney?

Benjamin (Dressed up, ready to go): There are 70,000 people in this country on the active waiting list for a kidney, and less than 10,000 dead people a year to give them one.

House: Yeah. If only we could kill 60,000 more people a year, all would be golden.

Benjamin: I'll give you your money.

House: See? Crazy.

Foreman: Being a live donor has risks.

Benjamin: I looked it up. The risk is 1 in 4,000 I could die during surgery, which means, if I don't donate, I'm valuing my life at 4,000 times someone else's. It's not like I want to be cut open and have a part of me taken out. But I've got two, and this woman has none. She'll die without it.

Wilson: Perfectly logical.

House: People with mental deficiency can be logical. Just like sane people can be illogical.

Foreman: This kidney thing is the only evidence you have that he's sick. I'm gonna let him be a donor. (Wilson and Foreman walk out)

Benjamin: Dr. House, it's not a symptom. Come back after you're convinced that I'm healthy, and I will give you your money.

House: No, you won't. (Limps out to a bench where Park is sitting. She gets up and follows him)

House: We have time for one more test before we move him.

Park: What test?

House: Whatever test will prove there was an echovirus-irus-irus, and he's not cured, obviously.

Park: I've been saying all along this could be Whipple's. Causes arrhythmia, tremor, and mental changes.

House: Bad idea. There's no joint pain. Where's Adams?

Park: We thought the case was over. She has a job interview.

--As they enter House’s office, Parks sees Thirteen sitting in a chair--

Park: Why is she here?

House: 'Cause I called her. Bigger question is why that worked.

Thirteen: I'm here because I have time and you have a crisis and I—

House: We're too busy for rationalizations. Patient made a big downgrade in his personal life. He's probably not eating all that healthy.

Park: Magnesium deficiency?

House: Wait until they take him back to his room — draw blood, do an expanded electrolyte profile.

Thirteen: No, he hasn't had anxiety or any trouble sleeping. I think it's Whipple's disease.

Park: Bad idea. He doesn't have joint pain.

Thirteen: Joint pain is common, but not definitive. Whipple's explains all of his symptoms, including the personality change. And it would respond to antibiotics, which is why he started to feel better. Which doesn't mean he's not still sick.

House: (To Park) You were right. Counts for nothing if you can't defend it. Book a procedure room. Do an upper endoscopy and run a PCR test for Whipple's.
(Park walks out)

House: Guilt. You feel guilty about leaving.

Thirteen: Yes, I think that little of you and that much of me. You're nothing without me. (she gets up)

House: Not leaving me. Leaving humanity.

Thirteen: I'm going with my girlfriend. The woman I love.

House: To have fun.

Thirteen: You're trying to make me feel guilty because you're saving lives here. And I think that's great. I'm proud to have been a part of it, but… now… I just wanna be happy.

House: Oh… no one's unhappy in Greece.

--Cut to: Clinic room--

House is looking at the hands of a little boy. His hands look infected, with rash all over them.

Woman: It just appeared in the last few weeks. He's having trouble holding a pencil in school.

House: Does it itch? Do anything different lately? You get a new baseball glove, a new kitten?

Woman: Well, the neighbors put in a pool, so he's been spending a lot of time over there. But, well, if it was something in the water, it would be everywhere, wouldn't it?

House: It is in the water.

Woman: He's allergic to chlorine?

House: No… [Inhales deeply] He's allergic to summer lilac.

Woman: That's my lotion. And it's not in the pool.

House: No, it's on the palms of his hands. In the pool is the neighbor's daughter. Or the neighbor's hot wife. Here's some lube. (Gives it to the kid) Sorry. Too late for your eyesight.

--Cut to: Test room-- House walks in, where Park is doing some tests.

Park: Endoscopy didn't reveal any lesions in the small intestine. I'm running PCR test now.

(House shows her a little box wrapped as a gift)
House: Found it in my office. Appears to be a gift. That can't be good. (Gives it to Park)

Park: Damn it.

House: You got her the job interview.

Park: And that was supposed to be the end of it. I… don't take charity.

House: Good for you! You loon.

Park: I don't like owing people things.

House: So either you're so insecure that you feel like you need to always have the upper hand, or you're so arrogant that the notion of a favor is insulting to you. Or it's your family, some kind of immigrant pride thing. I'm betting on the last one.

Park: I just don't like it. It makes me feel… icky.

House: That's the reason? Ickiness? You never even tried to analyze this? It's even crazier than the gift thing.

Park: House… (looking at the computer screen) there's no sign of tropheryma DNA. It's not Whipple's.

House: Well… we did what we could.

--Cut to: Operating room--

Wilson: You sure you wanna do this?

Benjamin. [Chuckles] Relax. This is gonna make me very happy. (They put him to sleep)

[Heart monitor beeping]

[Air hissing faintly]

Surgeon: Go a little bit more along here.

[Pulse increasing]

Wilson: Dr. Simpson. Heart rate's 140, pressure's dropping. Get him adenosine, stat.

Dr. Simpson: Patient's unstable. Surgery's off.

[Alarm beeping]

--Cut to: House’s office--

Adams: Arrhythmia's back. He's on Heparin and stable for now, but this could put him at risk for stroke or embolism.

Park: Maybe he got bit by a spider. The symptoms can take up to three days to manifest.

Adams: He'd have localized pain.

Park: LCDD?

Adams: Almost always hits the kidneys.

Foreman enters.

House: Ah, Dr. Foreman. Perhaps you can help us. I can't decide whether to take out an "I told you so" ad in the New England Journal or stay classy and just spray-paint it on your car.

Foreman: You're off the case.

House: That seems like an overreaction.

Foreman: You dosed him. Couldn't stand to lose him as a patient, so you faked his symptom to prove you right.

Park: That's idiotic. (Foreman gives her a look) Sorry.

House: Don't apologize. I don't know if you're power crazed or paranoid, but I know she's right. Two lives are in the balance here.

Foreman: House, I worked for you for seven years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them—

House: And I was your boss for seven years. And I know what a suspicious, micromanaging hard-ass you are. Why would I do this now? Knowing you can send me right back to jail?

Foreman: What'd you give him?

House: Nothing! You can't prove otherwise. So why don't you do the smart thing here?

Foreman: You're off the case. You no longer have access to this patient. (Walks out)

Adams: You can't let him do this.

House: [Sighs] He's the boss. And he's right.

--Cut to: PPTH lobby (from the second floor)-- House is eating some kind of candy. He looks down to the lobby, where the janitor is wiping the floor. House throws one candy to the floor, where the janitor is wiping. The janitor looks around, but doesn’t see who threw it. Adams comes where House is standing.

[Object bounces on floor]

Adams: I assume you dosed the patient because you're really certain he has a neurological condition?

House: I assume you're interpreting my actions in the best possible light 'cause you didn't get the job? [Paper crumpling] What's with you and Park?

Adams: Nothing.

House: I expect my people to lie better than that. Either you're getting her gifts because you want her to like you, in which case I don't like you, or you're getting her gifts to screw with her. In which case, I will be teaching you my secret homey handshake.

Adams: I just… I thought it was interesting she couldn't accept that coffee. I wanted to see how deep it went.

House: But now?

Adams: Oh, now I just want to win.

House: [Chuckles softly] What was in the box?

Adams: Gift certificate. The Spa.

House: Nah, that's not gonna do it. You're up against a lifetime of training. If you wanna win, you gotta do something she can't possibly reciprocate. You gotta push her neuroses to the point where even she thinks that she's crazy.

(House takes out his cell phone)
House: One more favor. Then I promise, I'll leave you alone forever. Or I'm lying. Either way, it's more interesting than whatever you're doing now.

--Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin is sleeping. Outside his room, a woman is looking at him. Thirteen, who was going to Benjamin’s room, sees her and talks to her.

Thirteen: Can I help you?

Woman: I'm his wife. We're separated. I heard he was sick. I just… wanted to see him. He's giving a kidney to someone he's never met?

Thirteen: He wants to, yeah. I know he's talked about you. He's been alone all this time. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him to see you.

Woman: I wanted to spend my life with him, but… I need to feel like he loves me more than other people. Like he loves our kids more. Maybe that's selfish… I should go. (She leaves, and Thirteen walks into Benjamin’s room)

Benjamin: Was that my wife?

Thirteen: I don't know. You the guy, the kidney donor?

Benjamin: There was a problem, but… I'm gonna try again.

Thirteen: Um… to give it to the same lady?

Benjamin: She needs it.

Thirteen: Okay. Never mind.

Benjamin: Wait. What do you — what do you want?

Thirteen: Uh, it's nothing. It's just… I have polycystic kidney disease. And I need a transplant, and they say I don't have much time, so when I heard that you were willing, I just… But I'm glad it's going to someone.

Benjamin: (Grabs Thirteen by the arm, just when she was going to leave) I'll give it to you.

Thirteen: But you already promised it to someone else.

Benjamin: I have another one. Saving one life is good. Saving two is better.

Thirteen: You give away two kidneys, and you die.

Benjamin: I could live on dialysis for years.

Thirteen: Yes, and — and then you die.

Benjamin: And then I could donate my other organs. Heart, lungs. I could save four or five more lives.

Thirteen leaves the room, looking creeped out. She takes her cell phone, and calls House.

Thirteen: Foreman's gonna need a diagnostician. This guy is crazy.

--Cut to: House’s office--

Adams: Arrhythmia, muscle tremors, and, yes, mental changes. If his heart doesn't rupture, he's liable to rip it out and give it away.

[Electrical buzzing, coming from the Orthopedics department]

House: You know, the "down" vibe in here is totally ruining my Charlie's Angels fantasy. [Buzzing continues] (To Park) And that haircut isn't helping, either.

Thirteen: It seems like Graves disease or some other thyroid issue.

Park: Is she on the team now? Like, forever?… His thyroid levels were within normal range when he was admitted.

Adams: Could be Coxsackie B virus.

House: Or pericarditis.

Thirteen: What about porphyria? It's a little weird without the rash, but it fits all of his other symptoms.

Adams: And if it is acute intermittent porphyria, that would explain why his symptoms keep recurring.

House: It's unlikely… but it's possible. What else? (Nobody says a thing) I said what else?

[Whirring]

House: Oh, for…
[Muttering]

House, tired of all the annoying buzzing, goes into Orthopedics and unplugs the electric razor. [Whirring cuts off]
He gets back to his office, a little bit relieved.

House: There. That's better. Now, what else? (Thirteen, Adams, and Park are all out of ideas.) Well, if there's nothing better than possible, then possible gets upgraded to probable.

Adams: I'll start him on hematin.

Thirteen: No, I'll go. (She gets up and leaves the office. House follows her to the hall)

House: So what's the answer? Are you now on the team? [Mocking Park] Like, forever?

Thirteen: I don't know.

House: 'Cause I was thinking of ordering T-shirts.

(Thirteen calls the elevator)

Thirteen (a little bit annoyed): I don't know… House. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I trained to be a Doctor. I know how to take someone's pain away, how to make a stopped heart beat again. We've brought people's kids back. Their husbands…

House: So… guilt?

Thirteen: Yes, you were right. You're always right. I just… I have the skills to help people. Is it okay for me to walk away from that because I… want to just have fun?

House: Obviously not.

[Bell dings, Thirteen enters the elevator]

--Cut to: Wilson’s office-- House opens the door.

House: How's your patient?

Wilson: She died a few hours ago.

House (shuts the door and sits on the couch): Thirteen is back.

Wilson: No department. No money. And somehow, you managed to con her into hanging around.

House: I have a gift. (Suddenly, it hits him. He gets one of his million-yard stares, those where he figures what’s the deal with his patient, typical when he’s with Wilson)

Wilson: What?

House: It was a con.

Wilson: The patient was faking?

House: No, I was. I brought him in here under false pretenses. Just to get his money. I ordered a bunch of random tests to keep him here. One of them was a head CT, which uses… iodine contrast.

Wilson: You think he's allergic to Iodine?

House: No, again. Just don't interrupt me. Thirteen was right. This is a thyroid issue. He has Plummer's disease. (He gets up) He has a nodule in his thyroid. It produces excess hormone. Not enough to test abnormal, just more than his brain is used to. Just enough to make him irrationally generous, make him vulnerable to overheating.

Wilson: Then you pumped his body full of Iodine and kicked him into thyrotoxicosis.

House: I said don't interrupt. But, yes, you're right. Take out the nodule, he'll be fine.

--Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin is in his bed, with a gauze in his neck. House is sitting beside him, reading a ‘Guitar’ magazine. Benjamin wakes up.

House: Two days, one surgery. I now accept that you’re all better. Where's my money?

Benjamin: You made me sick.

House: You were already sick. I just made you much, much worse. Seriously… the money. You're not giving it to me, are you?

Benjamin: When you're facing death… some things come into focus. My wife…

House: You love your family. You want them back. Your altruism was always a symptom.

Benjamin: No, it wasn't. I'm still gonna—

House: Keep less? How much less? Just enough to spoil your kids?

Benjamin: No.

House: But they need it more than people with TB or children in Indonesia with no eyes? Diagnosticians with hearts of gold?

Benjamin: I don't wanna give you money because you're an ass.

House: I was an ass last week.

Benjamin: I love my family. I want to be with them. That doesn't make me a bad person.

House: No. It makes you a healthy person. (Walks out)

--Cut to: PPTH locker room--

Park: My mechanic called. He said the work's been paid for.

Adams: You mentioned your car was in the shop.

Park: That's $4,500.

Adams: Smile and say thank you. Or I get you G.P.S.

Park: You win. (Gives Adams a fake smile) Thank you.

--Cut to: House’s office-- Park enters. House is preparing to leave.

Park: Your car is getting fixed. You're right. She went for it.

House: Good work. Need a lift tomorrow? 'Cause your car is still in the shop.

Park: I don't take charity. I'm just glad it's over.

House: Nothing is ever over. (Park leaves)

--Cut to: PPTH lobby-- Thirteen meets her girlfriend in the lobby, and kisses her. Just when they are about to leave, House calls her.

House: Thirteen. Wait a minute. (Thirteen walks towards House) You're fired.

Thirteen: Now what? House, I'm starving.

House: I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.

Thirteen: House…

House: I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. What I can't work with is someone who's here so she doesn't have to feel bad.

Thirteen: You're trying to save me.

House: Yes… I think that little of you and that much of me.

Thirteen: Okay… Bye, House. (She gets watery eyes. She leaves the hospital with her girlfriend, as the episode ends.)





Ending Credits


Tags: season 8
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