Written by: Eli Attie
Story by: Seth Hoffman & Eli Attie
Directed by: David Straiton
Transcribed by: vicpei (vicpei)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
A bright morning in a quiet suburb. A man wearing a suit and a flower bouquet checks an address, then walks to a door, clearly nervous. At the ring, a blonde woman opens.
Cyrus : Jennifer Williams?
Woman : And you are?
Cyrus : Cyrus. Cyrus Harry? You used to call me Cy if it's — if it's really you. (The woman tries to close the door.) I–I'm trying to find the Jennifer Williams I knew 23 years ago. We spent a long weekend at the Jersey Shore? She was visiting a friend… (She closes the door. Cyrus looks distressed and walks back to his car. He gets a paper out of his pocket and crosses a name on it. Several names are already crossed. The car is a long, white limousine waiting with a chauffeur and a guitar player. Two large, standing floral arrangements have been placed on the lawn.)
Phil : That lasted longer than usual.
Cyrus : That's it for Lansdale. Pack it up. Let's move on to Philly. (Phil takes the bouquet, groans and start to remove the bushes.) Seriously, you gonna complain? How many limo drivers are making six figures?
Phil : Cy, you're my little cousin, and I love you, and you've been more than generous. I'm upset because you are wasting your time over some faded memory when there is a world of pleasure out there. The kind of cash you got buys a lot of it. (Phil goes to the back of the car, Cyrus does not move ; he looks sick.) Come on… be like that. I've just been driving around all day. I'm a little cranky. (Cyrus stumbles and fall.) Hey!
Cyrus : My leg won't move. (The blonde woman gets out of her house. Phil shouts to her.)
Phil : Are you gonna stare, or are you gonna call 911?
(Cut to PPTH diagnostics department. The team is sitting and House hands them files.)
House : Partial paralysis. Head CT and LP showed nothing. Spinal MRIs and EMG were clean. Brain symptom, yet nothing seems to be wrong with his brain. (He makes coffee.)
Chase : Refrigerator mechanic, no family, in and out of work.
Taub : He just won $42 million in the state lottery. I think I read about this lucky bastard in the paper.
House : You sure you don't mean the lucky bastard whose grandkids snorted his winnings till he drank himself to death with drain cleaner? Or the lucky bastard who was found naked and penniless in a strip club parking lot with his winning number tattooed on both testicles?
Thirteen : Neuro-otological pathology could have caused loss of balance.
House (he sits at the table) : Calorics were normal.
Taub : Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.
House : Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
Thirteen : Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.
House : It's like there's two of me.
Foreman : The guy repairs appliances. He's probably got toxic brain damage from years of working with toxic chemicals.
Taub : Or his sudden disease came from his sudden millions. He's buying something, collecting something, ceramics, precious metals, which gave him atherosclerosis of his carotid arteries. (Cuddy has entered during this speech and faces House from the other side of the table.)
Cuddy : My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.
House : You know,I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother. Go to the patient's old workshop. Look for causes of toxic brain damage. Go take a new history, and see if there's any lifestyle changes that would explain atherosclerosis. (To Cuddy, while moving to his office) Go. (House enters his office, Cuddy follows. He pops a pill.) Medicinal. I'm expecting a shooting pain in my ass.
Cuddy : My mom and I got into a fight. Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own house. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers.
House : Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a house, my name is House.
Cuddy : You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor.
House : Those beads from Thailand. (Cuddy gives him a non-understanding look) If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into.
Cuddy : : The point is you're the one who's on the line here, whose name is on her hospital records.
House : Whose name is on her name?
Cuddy : Fine. We're both on the line, but she won't discuss this with me alone. She and her lawyer want to meet with both of us for settlement talks. I need you in that meeting acting nice and respectful while I defuse this stunt.
House (getting up from his desk and leaving the room) : Yeah well, I'm not going to that meeting, so I'm guessing you're cool if I'm not nice and respectful either.
(Cut To Cyrus's room. Phil is helping him lying back in his bed. Taub is taking a new history.)
Taub : Picked up any new hobbies?
Cyrus : How's a hobby gonna paralyze my left leg?
Taub : If you work on vintage cars or you've taken up painting, the fumes can…
Cyrus : No cars, no paints.
Taub (watching around, looking at multiple bouquets in the room) : You're a popular guy.
Cyrus : Popular wallet. Three years ago before I had a dime, I had my appendix out. Phil was there. No one else even called.
Taub : What about drugs?
Cyrus : No drugs. Look, I've seen all the documentaries, I've read all the articles. I'm not gonna be a tabloid cliche. I know what I'm gonna do with my money.
Phil : Find and build a life with the one woman I ever cared for.
Cyrus : The point is nothing's changed. I live the same life. I eat the same food.
Phil : Same crappy canned food.
Taub : How many of your meals do you eat from a can?
Cyrus : Most of 'em. I'm used to it. I order 'em by the case online. Is that bad?
(Cut to Cyrus' ex-workshop.Chase and Foreman are investigating.)
Chase : You're worried about the trickle down effect of Cuddy versus House versus Cuddy.
Foreman : You're reading subtext into my silence?
Chase : House gets to you more than anyone.
Foreman : House thinks I'm a robot. You think I'm a wuss?
Chase : No, no, no, no. I think you're repressed. Well, it's out of your control. Tough childhood, strained relations with your family. Can't be easy trying to succeed in a white man's world.
Foreman : First of all, white man, I've done at least as well as you have. Second, I didn't think you take House's view that life sucks and we're stuck.
Chase : I think you're stuck. Last month or so I've turned my life around. I'm happier than ever.
Foreman : Sleeping with ten women instead of four?
Chase : Try none. (Foreman looks suspicious.) He was cutting metal… inhaled the dust?
Foreman : Unless he was snorting lines of the stuff. None?
Chase : Was having tons of sex, and I was bored, hating myself. Was never gonna be ready when something real came along.
Foreman : So you're becoming some kind of super monk, and I can't change at all.
Chase : I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin.
Foreman : Since I say nothing gets to me and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong?
Chase : I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you.
Chase : Off-brand solvent. From China. (Throws it to Foreman.) Made of God knows what.
(Cut to PPTH lobby, with the team following House to the elevator.)
Taub : Patient eats cheap canned goods by the caseload. Could be metal poisoning?
Chase : He also worked with cut-rate chemicals. Could be inhalation of a toxic volatile substrate.
Thirteen : Treatment for both is chelation.
House : Great work. Alkalinize his urine and force diuresis for heavy metal poisoning. If that doesn't work, put him on dialysis for toxic inhalation.
Thirteen : I just said treatment for both is chelation.
House : And I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?
Foreman : You want to put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings when we can just chelate?
Chase : Whoa, whoa. Settle down.
House : If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the problem was in his lousy old job or his still-lousy new life. Which for the purposes of a metaphorical argument is very important.
Foreman (opens his mouth to argue, then thinks better of it) : Pointless to argue. He's the boss. He needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against the wall? (Taub and Chase are speechless.)
House (entering the elevator) : When you're done with the patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against the wall.
(Cut to Taub and Thirteen entering the patient's room.)
Taub : Where's the dialysis machine?
Thirteen : Who cares? Since I ordered chelation. We'll flip a coin, tell House it was one disease or the other. Worst case, he finds out and he's impressed we defied him. (To the nurse wheeling equipment out of the room) I'm sorry. I asked you to remove the dialysis equipment, not the chelation equipment.
Nurse : And Dr. Cuddy asked me to remove all equipment. She de-authorized all treatment.
Cut to PPTH diagnostics. House is playing with a Vicodin bottle.
Thirteen : She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the godmother and her consigliere.
House : Bitch to king four.
Taub : Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede.
House : Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor.
(Cut to Cyrus' room. Thirteen is removing the alarms.)
Cyrus : You're discharging me?
Taub : We really… don't have a good lie here, so…
Thirteen : You got caught in some politics between our boss and his boss, but you'll be out of here 20 minutes tops.
Cyrus : I'm not better, but you're kicking me out?
Thirteen : Which is why it'll only be 20 minutes. See, the Dean of Medicine
acts tough, but she's not really. She'll step in, readmit you.
Phil : So you're saying that she cares more about his treatment than the doctor who's actually treating him.
Cyrus (sitting up and looking at the door) : Phil, shut up. (A blonde woman in her late 30, wearing glasses, is smiling at him.)
Jennifer : Cyrus.
Cyrus : Jennifer?
Jennifer : It's good to see you. I read about you in the paper, so I hopped the first train from Virginia.
Phil : So you read that he struck it rich?
Jennifer : He's right. It–it must look weird. It kind of is weird. Well, we're a long way from the third street jetty. I just wanted to see you again and say hi, so… Hi.
Cyrus : Hi. I was starting to think I'd never find my…
Jennifer : Baby Bear. (Cyrus smiles ; Jennifer smiles and enters the room. They hug, and Cyrus suddenly throws up on her.)
Cyrus : Oh, my God. I'm–I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I–I don't even feel nauseous. I don't know why—
Thirteen : Your hand is shaking. (She shakes his eyes with a lamplight.) Okay. You're having a focal seizure.
Phil : What does that mean?
Taub : It means you're not getting discharged.
(Cut to House's office, he is lying on his couch, reading Celeb.)
Taub : We were right that it's a brain issue, but wrong about toxic inhalation and metal poisoning. Everyone else is waiting—
House : That was totally courageous of Khloe to Tweet about her weight gain.
Taub : House, I've got a patient with a seizure disorder who can't walk.
House (Back to reading) : Another one? Thought we kicked out the last one.
Cuddy (entering the room by House's office) : Obviously I'll let you treat your patient.
House : What are you doing? We got a patient with a walking disorder who can't seize. No, wait. I'm close, though, right?
Cuddy : I wasn't finished. Of course I'll let you treat your patient if you meet me halfway.
House (Lying down again) : Well, I guess I'm not finished either.
Cuddy : No clinic hours for the next quarter.
House : Yeah, three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally, and three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.
Cuddy : Forget it. Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game. (She leaves.)
House : You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?
(Cut to Diagnostics office. Chase is taking Foreman' blood pressure while he speaks.)
Foreman : Neurological Lyme disease explains the seizures and the paralysis.
House : But not the fact that Chase seems to be treating you.
Foreman : He claims he can swear off sex indefinitely. Also claims that I am a boiling cauldron of repressed rage. (Taub smiles slightly.)
House (leaning forward, talking intently to Foreman while checking the monitor screen) : Your theory is idiotic. The patient's antibody titers were negative for Lyme disease. And I shared a motel room with your ex-girlfriend. (Foreman's blood pressure remains steady.)
Foreman : You make a good point about the antibody titers.
House : He's a rock. How's your brother — homeless guy? Haven't heard from him in months!
Foreman : I don't know. Wish I did. (No change on the monitor screen.)
Taub (checking the patient's file) : Postural hypotension, which could have reduced the blood supply to his brain.
House : He'd be a miserable wretch.
Taub : Actually, the prognosis is—
House : Oh, I'm sorry. No, I just meant his life is gonna unravel. In fairness, that applies to any diagnosis. Why do we do this?
Thirteen : It's not postural hypotension. He's not orthostatic.
Taub : His life may unravel, it may not. He's not chasing after material things.
House : Too bad. He might actually get those.
Taub : He's looking for love. Just tracked down an old girlfriend.
Thirteen : And she'll never live up to the memory, and the thrill of finding her will wear off, and he won't even be able to dream about being happy.
House : Interesting.
Thirteen : The patient may have found some long-ago nookie, but it doesn't mean he hasn't had some in the meantime. Herpes encephalitis.
House : Explains the neurological symptoms. EEG to confirm, I.V. acyclovir to treat. How's Foreman's BP holding?
Chase : Same.
House : That's strange, since I unplugged the lead 30 seconds ago. Admirable effort. (Foreman takes the blood pressure device off and starts to leave. House stops him. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm scared you might turn green and rip through your own clothes. (They all leave, Thirteen the last. House blocks her way out with his cane.)
House : Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?
Thirteen : You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.
House : You keep saying it. Several times a day.
Thirteen : I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.
(Cut to the MRI room, where Cyrus and Jennifer are happily chatting.)
Thirteen : I'm afraid we'll need you to step out when the EEG begins. The waiting area's just down the hall.
Jennifer : I got to catch an early train in the morning anyway.
Cyrus : No, don't. (Thirteen start prepping him with electrodes on his forehead.) I'll put you up in a nice hotel, or rent you a furnished place.
Jennifer : I came for the night 'cause I wanted to see how you were. Maybe get back in your life a bit, but if I take your money…
Cyrus ::What's wrong with a nice place to stay? Unless of course… you don't want to stay.
Jennifer : I guess I could keep my motel room another night or two. (They both smile at each other before she leaves the room.)
(Cut to House entering Wilson' office, carrying a scan.)
House : Need a consult. Did an EEG on my patient. Turns out the reason that prior doctors thought it wasn't a neuro problem is because it's not a neuro problem. The EEG did show signs of metabolic distress.
Wilson : Well, scan his abdomen.
House : Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own, and found a mass on the pancreas. (He hands the scan to Wilson, who takes a look.)
Wilson : Mass looks solid. I'd say it's cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the neurological symptoms. You need to get a piece of it. Schedule a CT-guided biopsy.
House : Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own.
Wilson : Then what's this consult?
House : Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?
Wilson : Because you're doing the right thing.
House : Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately?
Wilson : Cuddy wants you in the middle of this. So does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problem. Somehow, in your knee-jerk, juvenile way, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this.
House (sitting down and realizing) : You're right. That was Cuddy's strategy all along. She wanted me to think that she desperately needed me to be there so that I wouldn't be there. (Wilson sighs. House pops a pill.)
(Cut to a meeting room. Arlene's lawyer enters and holds the door for her. She comes in leaning on a crutch. Cuddy is sitting and waiting inside.)
Lawyer : Where is Dr. House?
Cuddy : I didn't want him here. (Arlene's lawyer moves a chair for her to sit.) This isn't about her treatment at Princeton-Plainsboro. It's about the fight we had last week. I'd like a moment with my mother to try and work this out on our own.
Lawyer : I'm afraid my client doesn't want to—
Cuddy : It's mother's day Sunday. We can't have five minutes alone to fix this?
Arlene : Relax. You can still bill me for the time standing in the hallway. (The lawyer leaves.)
Cuddy : I know you're mad at me, but you can barely make it up those stairs. How many nights have you spent on your couch?
Arlene : This has nothing to do with our fight.
Cuddy : We're talking about my home, not a prison camp.
Arlene : What did I just say? I think it was something about this not being personal.
Cuddy : You can spend time with Rachel. I can watch over you. Win, win.
Arlene : Maybe I've got a medical thing. Maybe I just think I'm talking, but no one can hear me, not just my uncaring daughter.
Cuddy : What do you want?
Arlene : 20 grand. I'll hire help and forget this nightmare you put me thr — make it 30. I'll put in a stair lift.
Cuddy : If my board even hears about these threats, let alone a settlement, they'll investigate what happened while you were here as a patient. House and I could both lose our license. I've been assuming this is personal because I don't want to assume that was what my mother wants. (Arlene remains quiet. House enters loudly, carrying a surgery tray with a hip prothesis inside, which he throws on the table.)
Arlene : House.
House : Ex-not-mom-in-law.
Cuddy : You said you weren't coming.
House : After you said pretty please with sugar on top? Problem is we only give store credit, so I say we put your old, cracked poisonous hip back in. Here and now. I saved your life. Happy to un-save it.
Cuddy : He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him—
House : She's like this in bed too. Always scheming to get the lawyers out of the room.
Arlene (she gets up and leaves) : If House isn't going to take this seriously, I know a few judges who will.
House : Was I supposed to be the good cop?
(Cut to Taub and Foreman performing MRI.)
Foreman : I had to rig the monitor. (Taub tries not to laugh.) I had a lot of salt with breakfast. You think I'm repressed too?
Taub : I think you're in danger of being dissolved by your own stomach acids.
Foreman : Well, what about Chase? Believe all that nonsense about him being celibate?
Taub : Don't know, but I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.
Foreman : Hmm. Then you're gonna be miserable.
Taub : Those studies, it's important that they have a control group. There's the tumor on his pancreas.
Foreman : There's one on his kidney and one in his colon.
Taub : One looks avascular, one looks vascular. The third looks calcified.
Foreman : He has three completely different cancers at once.
Taub : On average, not so lucky after all.
(Cut to House and Wilson in the elevator.)
Wilson : You had to go all Wile E. Coyote on me.
House : You told me that Arlene wanted me in the middle of it. I had to show her that no good would come of that.
Wilson : Seriously? That's your rationalization? (They leave the elevator and walk to House's office.) How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize.
House : I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness. (Pops Vicodin.)
Wilson : Do you listen to what you're saying? Because I have to. I'm holding a summit meeting to force you and Cuddy onto the same page before a lawsuit gets filed.
(House enters the Diagnostics office. Foreman is wearing the blood pressure monitor again.)
Taub : Three completely unrelated cancers at once.
Thirteen : Multi-cancer syndrome — Von Hippel Lindau?
Chase : Wouldn't have touched his colon. (He checks on the machine, puts his right hand on the Merck's Diagnosis manual and swears.) I hereby certify that Dr. Foreman has not tampered with this blood pressure mechanism in any way.
Foreman : And after I prove I'm 100% stress free, do I get to strap you into a chastity belt?
Thirteen : What if the patient's missing a tumor-suppressor gene?
Foreman : How would we even find it? We need to blast him with chemo now.
Chase : We can't give the patient chemo. His platelet count's through the floor.
House : Even worse, it'd contain his cancers. If we want to know what they have in common, we got to see where they spread next.
Thirteen : You want to wait six months while the cancer spreads and his seizures and paralysis get worse?
House : (reasonably) : Well, now, that's crazy talk. But if we pump the patient full of vascular endothelial growth factor…
Chase : Foreman doesn't like that idea. (They all check the monitor. Foreman's blood pressure is indeed higher.)
Foreman (taking deep breaths, trying to calm down, speaking slowly) : You want to grow more and bigger cancers?
House : We can't figure out what three small ones have in common, maybe can figure out what eight big ones have in common?
Foreman (glances at the monitor, his pressure is climbing) : Is this idea real, or are you just threatening to kill the patient to screw with me? (No one answers him. His blood pressure keeps climbing. He takes the device off and starts speaking louder and louder.) This whole thing is idiotic. What does it matter what's inside of me if I know how to control it?
Thirteen : Makes no difference to us, but you may want to make out a will.
House : Go get lotto boy's consent, and turn his cancers up to 11. (They leave, except Thirteen, that House blocks again. He shows her a photograph.)
Thirteen : You, what, found my old yearbook, and got a picture of my high school boyfriend?
House : Actually, that would have been a lot simpler. No, I took this ten minutes ago. (He steps aside, revealing the guy sitting outside the office, smiling.) Your high school boyfriend who dumped you, leaving you unable to believe that anyone can rekindle an old flame.
Thirteen : He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.
House : Would you mind letting him down gently? I might have made promises you can't keep.
(Cut to Cyrus' room. Jennifer and Phil are with him.)
Taub : We're giving you more cancer. The risks of that are kind of obvious.
Thirteen : We'll scan you, run your blood at frequent intervals. We believe this is our best chance at finding the underlying genetic flaw. (They hand him the consent form.)
Cyrus : Will you marry me?
Jennifer : Don't be stupid.
Cyrus : If this cancer overwhelms me, at least I'll die happy here and now, instead of hoping for a future I may never have. I love you.
Jennifer : No, you don't. You don't know. You can't know. We both need more time. And I believe we're gonna have it.
(Cut to PPTH lobby.)
Thirteen : Do you notice she's wearing different clothes every day?
Taub : As opposed to the same, Starfleet-issued tunic?
Thirteen : She said she came for one night. Why'd she pack for more?
Taub : So she stuffed an extra sweatshirt in her bag, or she bought something.
Thirteen : Used? She's here because an old beau struck gold.
Taub : She turned down a proposal. How long a game you think she's playing?
Thirteen : I think if she said yes after 14 hours, even he'd be suspicious.
Taub : You're lucky you're hot and smart, because — well, you're just lucky you're hot and smart.
(Cut to House entering his office at night. He opens his drawer to retrieve something and notices Foreman on the balcony, folded in two, holding a yoga pose. He joins him.)
Foreman (still folded) : I need a hooker.
House : Not if you can make that work. (Foreman gives up and sits.)
Foreman : How is that supposed to relax you? It's not for me. It's for Chase.
House : I'm saving myself too. Maybe you should get a couple.
Foreman : You're riding me. Why not ride him?
House : Because I can get a rise out of your BP. His pee-pee on the other hand… Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot. He's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it. Pretty sure that's Zen.
(Cut to a patient's room. House is lying in the bed, eating, in his socks. His portable TV is on. As the camera retreats, we see his shoes at the foot of the bed. A coma patient is lying on the floor. Wilson and Cuddy enter the room, look startled at the view of the patient on the floor, but don't say anything.)
House : Thought we were meeting in Cuddy's office.
Wilson : And I put one of the radio frequency tagged sponges from the O.R. In your portable television.
Cuddy : However much it hurt, I did have a right to break up with you.
House : You just want everything to have a hidden personal agenda.
Cuddy : You need to get over it instead of torpedoing our jobs out of spite.
House : Couldn't just be that you're a pain professionally.
Wilson : Stop! You're both at fault here. You for trying to manipulate House when you used to know better, and you for… being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances.
House : I had good reasons.
Wilson : You had lame rationalizations.
Cuddy : If I hadn't played him, he'd have found out about the meeting and crashed it anyway.
House : Would have been a lot more efficient.
Wilson : Enough! Okay, here's what's gonna happen. Tomorrow I drive both of you to Arlene's. You're gonna write her a personal check for $30,000, and tell her she can stay in her own home with your blessing. You're gonna do this because you actually give a crap about your job and this hospital and your mother, and possibly even House. (To House) And you're gonna say, I'm sorry," and not utter one syllable more.
House : Because I'm an idiot?
Wilson : No, because if you don't, I'm gonna tell the pharmacy to stop issuing Vicodin prescriptions in my name.
House : I'm not paying for gas.
(Cut to Thirteen examining Cyrus in his room.)
Cyrus : Anything look different?
Thirteen : Not yet. Where's Jennifer?
Cyrus : She's embezzling money from my Swiss bank account. That's what you think, isn't it? I'm being taken for a ride?
Thirteen : I think she wouldn't be here if you were still fixing refrigerators. One random set of numbers doesn't change human nature.
Cyrus : Those sets of numbers are what kept me going. Clutching those tickets, thinking about the life I could have, finding Jennifer again.
Thirteen : So you figure if one long-shot dream came true the other one will as well?
Cyrus : You think you're protecting me. I think you're sad. Can't stand to see somebody happy.
(Cut to Arlene's front door. House, Cuddy and Wilson are waiting for Arlene to open.)
Cuddy : Mom, here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home. It was wrong of me to suggest otherwise. (She slips away. Arlene smiles at House, waiting.)
House : I'm sorry. That we saved your life. (A beat.) In the way that we did.
Wilson : B-plus. I hope this resolves everything. I can tell you that both your daughter and Dr. House—
Arlene : This is 30 grand.
Wilson : Which is what you asked for.
Arlene : This covers pain and suffering. What about the probate lawyer?
Wilson : Do you two…
Arlene : I have to change my will, leave everything to Julia so this one doesn't try more funny business to get control of my home.
Wilson : I'm sure we can toss in another 2,500.
Cuddy : Well, I guess I'll have to kill you tonight then. Mom, I'm not interested in—
Arlene : You already think you own my body. Why not my home too?
Wilson : Everybody stay calm, and—
Cuddy : You have to lash out at everyone who tries to help you? Live in your own kitchen sink for all I care.
House : Harsh. I didn't think you had a case before, but that is no way to talk to a patient.
Arlene : You are right. (She rips the check up and closes the door.)
(Cut to PPTH lobby. Foreman and Taub are watching Chase getting friendly with a pretty blonde nurse. While they speak, we can see Chase and the nurse doing exactly what Foreman is describing.)
Foreman : Chase has had his eyes on this one for months.
Taub : Meaning he has eyes?
Foreman : I paid her 100 bucks. When he hits on her — might be tonight, might be next week — she's gonna slap him and storm off.
Taub : So your plan is to prove you're both full of crap all in one move?
Foreman : First he'll compliment her hair. That's how he breaks the ice. Next comes some kind of joke or story. He's sharpening his harpoon.
Taub : Are my moves this predictable?
Foreman : She's grabbing his arm. He's going in for the kill. (The nurse leaves Chase, goes to Foreman, slaps him in the face and gives him his money back. Foreman turns to Chase, who smiles and waves at him.)
Taub : (pats Foreman's arm) : Don't let it get to you.
(Cut to Cyrus' room. He looks worse. Jennifer is holding his hand. Taub is performing an ultrasound.)
Taub : Poured a lot of gas on the fire. Ultrasound will give us a good look at the damage. Little more gel.
Cyrus : I never made a will. I want to provide for you, if I don't—
Jennifer : Stop it, will you?
Taub : Like you to hold your breath for a sec.
Jennifer : Your money, there's charities, causes. Your family. You got to ask yourself what's mattered to you most year in and year out.
Taub : That can't be right.
Cyrus : Is it bad news?
Taub : No. We've been pumping you with growth factor, but you don't have any new cancers. The tumors you had all shrank.
(Cut to Diagnostics office. Chase is setting up the blood pressure monitor. Again.)
Foreman : Three tumors disappearing means we were probably wrong about him missing a tumor-suppressor gene.
Chase : How many mulligans are you gonna ask for?
Foreman : This test is what raised my blood pressure. I'm used to it now. (Deep breaths, waves his arms.) Go. If it's autoimmune and he created antibodies that ended up fighting his own tumors…
House : Growth factor would have made the underlying autoimmune condition better.
Taub : Maybe it was never cancer in the first place.
Foreman (Annoyed) : Of course it was cancer. We biopsied. (He glances at the monitor and calms down.) It could have been a false positive.
Thirteen : Amyloidosis? His EKG voltage has been on the low end of normal. What if the tumors were actually protein deposits?
House : G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat.
Foreman : She's making that diagnosis based off of low-normal EKG. Low-normal is still normal. (Rising blood pressure) That thing cannot be right.
House : Low-normal is still low, and that thing does not have money riding on you being wrong, like the rest of us do.
Foreman : Chase fixed this.
Thirteen : Oh, I think you're confusing Chase and Foreman. I used to do that all the time.
Foreman : I know it's rigged. (Still rising.)
Taub : Because you're Mr. Cool? Nothing could possibly faze—
Foreman (yelling) : Because I took a beta blocker! (Chase shows him the trick he's been hiding.) Both times, right? His platelet count's still low. Chemo's still a death sentence. Treating for amyloid with normal EKG is like doing heart surgery on a guy because he's ten pounds overweight. It's insane.
House : Well, we'll do it your way — go shout at the patient till he gets better. G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat. (He blocks Thirteen on her way out.)
Thirteen : Here's the dirty little secret. I just think we are who we are. And I think lotteries are stupid.
(Cut to the Clinic, Yay!!)
House (loudly) : Janet… Hemorrhoid?
Janet (she gets up nervously and whispers) : That's not my name. It's why I'm here.
House (smiling) : Oh, I see. It goes across. We better make this fast, 'cause I'm about to lose my medical license for malpractice. It's nothing unusual. The head of the hospital's about to lose hers too. (Janet leaves hastily. House takes another file. Wilson joins him.)
Wilson : I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours.
House : Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through patients.
Wilson : Arlene wants another meeting.
House : I know. Told my seconds to tell her seconds that she gets no second chance. Well, technically, it's a third chance, but I don't have thirds.
Wilson : Cuddy told her the same thing, more or less.
House : So you got us on the same page after all.
Wilson : I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it.
House : That's quite a challenge.
Wilson : You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all.
House : You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me.
Wilson : You didn't start it, but you had the chance to end it, and you didn't. You love her, House, and it's human to hang on, but you're blowing up not just your job but any chance of any kind of relationship with her again.
(Cut to Cyrus' room. Jennifer is bringing Phil in.)
Cyrus : Hi. (He hands Phil an envelope.)
Phil : What's that?
Cyrus : It's a check. For $10 million dollars.
Phil : Uh, I don't know what to say, I mean… You already been so generous.
Cyrus : By hiring you?
Phil : Yeah.
Cyrus : For a whopping six figures? My own blood? Best friend I ever had? (Glancing at Jennifer) Year in, year out. (Phil takes the check and squeezes Cyrus hand. Jennifer cries a little, seems not at ease. She lifts her glasses and rubs her eyes. Thirteen hands her a tissue.)
Thirteen : You're wearing contacts under your glasses?
Jennifer (she chuckles) : I must have forgotten to take them off when I—
Thirteen : They're tinted. Do you change your eye color?
Jennifer : Sometimes I like to mix it up. I don't understand. What are you…
Cyrus : Wait, you–you don't have brown eyes? Where'd the name Baby Bear come from?
Jennifer (She looks startled, then chuckles again) : It's so long ago, I don't…
Cyrus (angrily) : It's a birthmark on your left breast in the shape of a bear. You forgot that? (To Phil) It's the one thing I never told you. That's why she doesn't know.
Phil : It's not like that. I swear.
Cyrus (he looks like he is going to cry) : Get out. Get out, both of you.
Phil : Come on, man.
Cyrus : Get out.
Phil : I'm sorry.
Cyrus (shouting) : Get out! Both of you! (Jennifer and Phil hastily leave the room. Cyrus talks to Thirteen, breathing heavily) . You were right. I'm just another lottery fool. My life sucks. It'll always suck. (Alarms start beeping.)
Taub : He's crashing. Everything's shutting down. (Thirteen gets an oxygen mask. They start reanimation.)
(Cut to the team in the PPTH lobby where House is pacing.)
Thirteen : Patient had a cardiac arrest, and his lungs and liver failed before we even started the chemo.
House : Brain symptoms that aren't brain symptoms, tumors that come and go?
Foreman : It's not amyloidosis.
House : You're forgetting alopecia. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were just listing the things it's not, alphabetically.
Taub : His long-lost love is a fraud. Thirteen figured that out.
House : Good for her.
Taub : Decades of menial work, three cancers couldn't make him die miserable. She just did.
Thirteen : The truth made him miserable.
House : It's like there's two of me. (A fire alarm starts. Cut to the exterior of PPTH, where everybody is gathered — patients, nurses, doctors, firefighters… House is sitting and looks at Cuddy talking to an assistant.)
Cuddy : Keep the clinic shut down. But wherever it is, it's isolated to the administrative floor. I'm not gonna evacuate the whole… (She stops talking, the camera pans on a smiling Arlene coming to her.)
Arlene : Only way to get the two of you in the same place at the same time.
Cuddy : Reopen everything. Readmit everyone. Now. (House joins her, thinking hard.)
Arlene : I want you both to know I'm filing the suit today, delivering the paperwork to your counsel's office.
Cuddy : You have to be destructive. You have to tear things apart. God forbid you should say what's really on that twisted mind of yours?
Arlene : And you're the great peacemaker? Single mom, can't keep a man long enough to cook a meal.
Cuddy : You'd be dead if it weren't for our mistreatment. And somehow you'd still find something to whine about.
Arlene : We'll let the court decide who's whining since you're so sure—
House : We're not getting back together.
Cuddy : What are you talking about?
House : It's the only explanation. Why she keeps making threats without ever filing her stupid, yet completely valid lawsuit. Why she ripped up her will, why she kicked half the hospital out on the street. She wants us united against her.
Cuddy : This is her drawing blood over the latest of a long line of imaginary slights. She doesn't care if anyone else is happy for a single—
Arlene (shaking her head) : Look at you idiots. Who else is gonna put up with either of you?
Cuddy : I asked you to move in. That meant we weren't gonna reconcile. I'm sorry, mom. (She comes an hugs her.) Some things take more than a common enemy.
Arlene : Then you're an idiot with impossible standards. (Cuddy turns to House, who is not there any more.
(Cut to House entering the patient's room, looking somewhat smug.)
House : Common enemy. One way to trigger brain symptoms when there's nothing wrong with your brain have something else turn your brain into a common enemy. You have a teratoma, a usually harmless congenital growth which can be filled with almost any kind of tissue. And, unusually, not at all harmless. If I'm right, yours is filled with primitive cells, some of which developed into brain cells. These foreign cells leaked into your bloodstream. Now, the body is a little xenophobic. It creates antibodies. The problem is, there's not much difference between brain cells in your abdomen and brain cells in your brain. To make matters worse, primitive cells can become almost anything. Grow like weeds. Which means they can turn into tumors, destroy whole organ systems.
Taub : But the cancer?
House : Was cancer. Just growing so fast it collapsed under its own weight.
Cyrus : Am I gonna live?
House : Cut out the teratoma, what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day.
Cyrus : It's hard to feel lucky. The woman I love was a fraud.
House : No, actually a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same. You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why.
(Cut to a musical montage in slow motion) :
The blonde nurse sleeping next to Chase, who looks worried ;
♫ Lady, don't throw in the towel ‚
let me dry you off I'll shower,
you used to be my little sickling ‚
but now it's me that needs some fixing ‚ ♫
Foreman in the Diagnostics office, checking his blood pressure ;
♫I think about you every second ‚
along with the pain that's through you, reckon ‚
you used to be my little sickling,
but now it's me that needs some fixin', ♫
Cyrus is lying in his bed ; another blonde woman enters his room ; he looks incredulous, then there is a hint of a smile ;
♫ what is it about the time and,
what is it about the place and,
what is it about your face,
that keeps me on the line. ♫
Cyrus and the real Jennifer are talking ; the camera moves to Thirteen watching them from the lobby. House joins her and offers her some chips, which she takes.
Thirteen : It's the real Jennifer. Or at least the only one to show up who actually has the birthmark. He's renting her an apartment.
House : It'll end horribly.
Thirteen : Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot, but… he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.
House : You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
Thirteen : And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.
(She leaves. Last picture is on House, thinking, eating a chip.)