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House MD - 7.18 The Dig

Originally Aired: April 11, 2011

Written by: Sarah Hess and David Hoselton
Directed by: Matt Shakman

Transcribed by: MarionS


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[The scene opens on a large empty parking lot where there is only a cab parked. A car drives in and stops. It’s House. He walks to the cab driver’s window; he is holding cash in his hand.]

House : Book you for 9:00?

Taxi Driver : Yeah. Uh-huh.

House : Take the day off.

Taxi Driver : Thank you.

House : All right.

[House walks back to his car as the taxi’s engine starts. The cab leaves. House opens a big briefcase settled on the trunk of his car, checks his watch and looks behind him, at the entry gate of the State of New Jersey Correctional Institution. The alarm buzzes, the prison gate opens and a woman exits. It’s Thirteen. She looks for her expected cab but sees House, waiting for her. She walks over and he offers her a martini that he’s assembled from his mobile bar/briefcase. She silently accepts it, enjoys a first sip, then drinks it entirely before handing him the glass back.]

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House’s car. House is driving away from the prison. Thirteen is enjoying the open air, her hand is out the window, feeling the wind.]

House : So what did you do?

[Surprised by the question, Thirteen turns around to look at House.]

Thirteen : You figured out I was in jail but you don’t know why?

House : I’ve been busy.

Thirteen : Excessive prescribing.

House : Not that busy. I know that you pled down to excessive prescribing. The question was “what did you DO?”

[She looks at him, then turns her head silently.]

[Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is here, looking at a patient’s file. Chase is making himself a cup of coffee.]

Masters : 36-year-old non-smoking junior high science teacher started coughing blood in the middle of homeroom.

[Everyone reaches for their pocket. They all received a message on their pager.]

Foreman [reading it] : House says he is gonna be out for the next three days.

Chase : Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call.

[Holding his cup of coffee, Chase quickly heads for the door as the two other guys gather their paper and get up to leave too.]

Masters : He also said to call him if we find a case.

Foreman : Which we didn’t.

Masters : What do you call this?

Chase [putting on his vest] : It could be a case. It could be nothing. Sadly we’ll just never know.

Masters : He’s coughing blood.

Foreman : A lot of people are. Right now I have to get to Vernon while there is still enough powder to ski on.

House [from Master’s cell phone as she puts it down on the table] : This is where a lesser man would make a black guy skiing joke.

Chase [pissed at Masters] : You owe me a body shot.

[Cut to House’s car. He is on speakerphone too, so that Thirteen can also hear the differential.]

House : Make it fast. I'm driving. I don't want to end up in jail like…

[Thirteen gives him a look which clearly shows that she doesn’t want him to mention she’s here yet.]

House : … A person should who used their phone illegally while driving.

Masters : 36-year-old male with hemoptysis, headaches, chills, and chest pain.

Foreman : Where are you?

House : On my way to the greater Schenectady chili cook-off and spud gun competition.

Taub : That's your honeymoon? [Thirteen is caught off-guard by the question.]

House : Nope, Dominika went to A.C. with her boyfriend.

Masters : E.R. ruled out bronchitis, pneumonia, and lung cancer.

Chase : So diagnosis… boring. It's epistaxis. It's a nosebleed. Blood runs into his lungs, he coughs it back up, flu explains the rest of the symptoms.

[Once again, the guys get up to leave the Diagnostic room while Masters desperately tries to find a new answer.]

House : Going once, going twice…

Masters : Toxic exposure to ammonia or sulfites can traumatize the lungs, cause neuralgias or fevers. Fits better because of his radiating chest pain.

House : Sold. To Masters. [She smiles widely.] Do a home search for toxins. Draw cultures for bacteria and fungi.

Thirteen : You're married?

House : You were gone so long. [Thirteen looks at House with insistence.] Green card.

Thirteen : Thanks for not saying anything. I just need some time to…

House : I didn't do it for you. Some puzzles are just too good to share.

Thirteen : This is my exit.

[She points at the freeway exit 31 to Pennington Rd, but House drives right on past. Thirteen sighs.]

Thirteen : Chili?

House : I hate chili. Love spud guns.

[Thirteen looks confused, she’s got no choice but to go with him.]

[Cut to the patient’s room. His name is Brian, where Masters and Chase are checking on him.]

Chase : You get nosebleeds?

Brian : Yeah, yeah. You think that's where the blood came from?

Chase : I don't just think it. I hope it.

Masters : When was the last time it happened?

Brian : At the quarterfinals. I coach volleyball, and during warm-ups, I got hit in the nose a few months ago.

Chase (looking annoyed) : You coach volleyball in a gym?

Brian : Yes.

Chase : With showers?

Brian : Yes.

Chase : Clean showers?

Brian : Not particularly.

Chase : The blood you were coughing up wasn't blood. Dirty gym washroom means serratia infection. Your lungs are full of red bacteria. [To Masters, sarcastically] You were right. That was an interesting case. You start him on Levaquin. [Walking away] I'll start looking for my good flip-flops.

[Brian starts coughing violently in his hands. They are red with blood.]

Masters : Think that might be blood.

[Cut to House’s car, still driving.]

Thirteen : What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.

House : First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [She clearly doesn’t get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?

Thirteen : I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.

House : I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.

Thirteen [giving up] : I don't even have a change of clothes.

House : Damn. If only I'd planned for that.

[House makes a right turn and pulls into a shopping mall parking lot

[Cut to the changing rooms in a women’s clothing store. House is sitting on a couch while Thirteen is trying on some new clothes.]

House : Okay. Here’s what I’ve got. One: you were in jail for 6 months but you were gone about a year, which means that when you left, you hadn’t been arrested. Two: you enjoy being known as a number, you don’t want people to know the real you since the real you is weak. You were running a bleeding heart medical consulting business for illegals or some other sympathetic under-class.

[Thirteen comes out to check herself in the mirror.]

Thirteen : No.

House : Over-class?

Thirteen : The interrogation thing is getting annoying.

House : Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50 percent less effective.

Thirteen [While looking at herself in the mirror] : Why are you so determined to bring me to this competition? Why don’t you bring Wilson?

House : Wilson thinks it’s stupid.

Thirteen : I think it’s stupid! [She goes back inside the changing room.]

House : Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.

Thirteen : Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.

House [under his breath] : Not that much.

[She gives him a meaningful look as she heard him.]

House : I've been going to this contest for four years. For four years I've come second to a pissant named Harold Lam.

[She opens the door to look at him.]

Thirteen : This is serious?

House : Second!

Thirteen : Okay. I can help you, but I'm going to need to make a personal stop along the way.

House : What kind of stop?

Thirteen : Personal. Did I not mention that?

[Cut to the patient’s house. Taub and Foreman are at the front door, trying to break in.]

Foreman : You gonna tell me where you were last night?

Taub : I ran into a friend.

Foreman : We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.

Taub : You missed me.

Foreman : Not as much as I miss my $50. [Taub takes his wallet out and hands Foreman a 50-dollar bill.] Where'd you meet her?

Taub : At the hospital.

Foreman : If it's Masters, just lie to me.

Taub [Slightly shocked] : Oh. It's the new CNA on the third floor.

Foreman : The redhead. She's hot.

Taub : And I'm seeing her again tomorrow night.

Foreman : I don't know how you do it. Is it the cute, harmless vibe, the self-deprecating humor, or just straight-up roofies?

Taub : If you're interested, I do seminars.

[Foreman is successful on the lock but there’s something behind the door making it hard to push open. When they finally open it, they are stunned to find that the house is almost completely filled with piles and piles of junk : books, boxes, garbage bags, clothes, … it’s a real mess.]

Taub : No electric, no gas either. It's cold in here.

[With flashlights, they try to make their way through the mess to investigate the place.]

Foreman : The good thing is I found a guy who makes you look like a good roommate.

[Taub laughs sarcastically.]

Taub : Maybe hoarding's a symptom. Could be caused by brain injury or early-onset Alzheimer's.

Foreman : It's most likely that it's psychological. As to what's making him cough blood, dealer's choice.

Taub [Reading the title on the cover of a magazine] “Declutter Your Home”. “The Hoarder's Handbook.” He's hoarding books on hoarding. Ugh. [Looking at the sink] He doesn't have running water.

Foreman : How does this guy live, let alone make it to work every day and teach a bunch of kids?

Taub [Holding up a cable which goes from outside to the fridge.] : Fridge is on. He's hooked it up to a neighbor or something. [He opens the top part of the fridge] Cat. [He opens the main door of the fridge and flies come out.] I might have to throw up.

Foreman :He'll want to keep that too. [As he leans to get a closer look to what’s in the fridge, we see cans and plastic boxes of rotting food.] Aspergillosis. Explains the coughing blood and if he's formed small aspergillomas, it could explain the headache and chest pain.

Taub : I'll be in the car. [He heads out.]

[Cut to House’s car, he is driving through a suburban area. Thirteen is looking at her phone for the directions to her personal stop.]

Thirteen : Okay, turn right.

House : You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He gets no answer from Thirteen.] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.

Thirteen : No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.

House : I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.

Thirteen : Pull over.

[The car pulls up to a picked-fenced white stately house. Thirteen gets out of the car and walks up to the front door to knock. A man answers and she immediately knees him in the groin. House is totally surprised. When the man falls, Thirteen leans down to whisper something in his ear, then she calmly walks back to the car.]

House : Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.

Thirteen [Playing his game.] : Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still believe.

House : You're really not gonna tell me what just happened?

Thirteen : I don't know about you, but I am starving.

[She smiles, he gives up and drives away as the man who got kicked in the groin goes back inside his house.]

[Cut to Brian’s hospital room.]

Brian [shocked] : You broke into my home?

Taub : We slowly pushed into your home.

Brian : So what did you find?

Foreman : A compost heap in your fridge. We think you have aspergillosis. It's treatable with antifungals.

Taub : You do remarkably well for living… like you live.

Brian : I use bottled water and flashlights. It's like camping.

Foreman : Fun. We're also gonna need a psych consult.

Brian : I'm not a hoarder. I'm just a major slob.

Taub : You save earwax.

[Cut to a restaurant. Thirteen and House are eating oysters.]

Thirteen : You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?

House : Where's the fun in that?

Thirteen [jokingly] : You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.

House [surprised] : Lucas?

Thirteen : Mm-hmm.

House : You don't know?

Thirteen : What, is he dead or something?

House [serious] : No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.

[She laughs loudly, not believing him at all.]
Thirteen : You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. [She looks at him and from his silence, realizes that he really is telling the truth. Long awkward pause.] Are… are you okay?

House [looking away]: Yeah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.

[He looks like it’s not fine. She observes him for a short silent moment.]

Thirteen : I killed a man.

[House did not expect this.]

[Cut to the hospital hallway outside the Diagnostic room. Masters and Taub are coming one way, and Foreman and Chase an another.]

Masters : Psych eval gave us nothing.

Foreman : So our patient is just an average Joe with a two-foot pile of used q-tips?

Taub : Whatever he is, he doesn't have aspergillosis. Pain's intensified, and now he needs oxygen.

Chase : There's got to be all kinds of toxins in that place.

Taub : Exposure issues don't make sense. He's been here a full day. He'd be getting better, not worse.

Foreman : Unless exposure was keeping him from getting worse. The gas was off at his place. How does he stay warm?

Masters : Portable heater?

Taub : Or portable gas heater, which emits carbon monoxide.

Foreman : Which is a vasodilator. The low-grade exposure was actually improving his lung capacity. We bring him here, he gets worse. If we're right, don't need House, and we still get two days off.

Chase : We still have to prove it. Someone's got to go back into that place and test for C.O. [He gets ready to rock-paper-scissor the decision.]

Masters : Chase and I can go. [Chase seems to disagree.] It's only fair.

Taub : Fairness is important.

[Foreman and Taub get in the room as Masters and a pissed Chase walk away.]

[Cut to House’s car. Thirteen’s taken over driving. House is looking out the window.]

Thirteen : You're awfully quiet.

House : Sorry. That's just how I get around people who have recently killed a man.

Thirteen : It wasn't… You know, I've had a pretty rough year. Do you think maybe we could just give this whole thing a rest?

House : You killed a man! But you pled out to drugs. Hit-and-run under the influence. Guy you kneed in the groin was your date who dropped a dime on you.

Thirteen : I'm asking you to let it go.

House [looking at Thirteen] : And I really wish I was the kind of person who could do that.

[Cut to the hospital. Foreman is dropping a file at the nurse station and notices a pretty redhead.]

Foreman : Ruby, right?

Ruby : Yeah.

Foreman : Hey, how are you liking PPTH?

Ruby : It's great. Everyone's so friendly.

Foreman : Yeah. Especially Dr. Taub. Don't worry. I'm not gonna bust your chops. I just want to know one thing. How did he get you to go out with him?

Ruby [suspicious] : Why? Is… is there something…

Foreman : No, no, no, no, he's… he's great. I'm… you know, I'm just asking because… [Awkward silent.] Well, he's… um…

[Ruby is waiting for him to go on to understand but Foreman decides to drop it.]

Foreman : You know what, never mind. It's none of my business. You guys have fun tonight.

Ruby : I'm not seeing him tonight. We had plans, but he canceled.

[Foreman frowns.]

Woman on PA : Dr. Stern to Radiology. Dr. Stern to Radiology.

[Cut to a rest stop. House is asleep in the passenger seat but is awake by the sound of his spud gun. Thirteen is practicing with it. He gets out of the car and walks toward her.]

Thirteen : This thing's got no fuel valve. Means you can't regulate the input. [Pointing at a piece on the side of the gun.] And what is this? A barbecue lighter? [House’s silence gives her a positive answer.] Your gun sucks.

[Thirteen walks back to the car, House smiles ; he really picked the right person for this.]

[Cut to the patient’s house. Chase and Masters are examining it with flashlights.]

Masters [somehow fascinated] We should treat this like an archaeological dig. Grid the site, excavate, catalog, analyze.

Chase : You like it here.

Masters : You don't think this is fascinating?

Chase : Not nearly as fascinating as the fact that you think it's fascinating.

Masters : But this guy kept everything he ever came into contact with. An interactive life history.

Chase : It's an indiscriminate pile of rubbish.

Masters : Well, for the most part, so are our lives.

Chase [checking readings on his beeping monitor] : There's no carbon monoxide. A bit of a blow to Foreman's exposure hypothesis and my plan to get out of here quickly.

Masters : Maybe we don't just figure out the what, we figure out the why. Then maybe…

Chase [throws something to Masters] : From the size and the undigested seeds, I'm guessing this came from a raccoon.

[Masters looks at the feces and throws them back at Chase and keeps looking around.]

Masters : If you're thinking Q fever, it fits.

Chase : So why are you still looking?

Masters : Well, you only found one thing.

Chase : It fits perfectly.

Masters : Yeah, but that doesn't mean…

[Suddenly, she’s startled by what she sees on the ground : two human feet out from underneath a blue tarp.]

Masters [in a hurry] : Chase.

[He quickly comes over and pulls up the tarp. There’s an emaciated, alive woman, filthy, bruised and wearing nothing but a man’s shirt.]

[Cut to the patient’s room. Taub is checking on Brian as Chase comes in, wheeling the woman.]

Chase : You missed something at his place. His wife.

Brian : Nina.

Nina : I didn't know where you were.

Brian : I'm so sorry. I couldn't get home. You okay?

Chase : We think you both have Q fever. Found raccoon feces in the kitchen cupboard. We're gonna start you on Doxycycline. [He leaves the room.]

Taub : Why wouldn't you tell us you're married?

Brian : The fewer people who know about her, the easier it is.

Nina : When can I go back?

Brian : She gets anxious when she's away from her things.

Masters : She's the hoarder. He just lives there.

Taub : On purpose?

Brian : She's my wife.

[Cut to a hardware store. House and Thirteen are shopping for parts for a new spud-gun.

Thirteen [sighs] : How do they not have 1/2-inch drill bits?

House : By the way, Harold's probably gonna hit on you. Everything I have, he wants. Just turn him down flat. Unless…

Thirteen [playing his game] : Yes. Let's stop shopping. I'll just do him and get him to throw the contest.

House : I'm not sugges… [Caught off-guard] Would you do that?

Thirteen [back to business] : How's this thing judged?

House : Hang time, distance, and accuracy. Okay, how about this? You met a guy in a club, you brought him home, he O.D.'d, so the guy now writhing on his front porch was the dealer who sold you the faulty goods.

Thirteen : Categories weighted the same?

House : Yup.

Thirteen : Screw accuracy. We're gonna double distance and hang time, beat Harold on points. We need raw power. Where's the fertilizer? [She walks down another alley of the store.]

House : By all means, Kaczynski.

[Cut to the doctors’ locker room. The shower is running. Foreman notices Taub’s open locker and decides to go through his phone. Chase joins him.]

Chase : Hi. [pointing at the phone] You and Taub sharing phones now?

Foreman : He's seeing the redhead on the third floor.

Chase : Please tell me you're not talking about the hot new CNA with the dimples.

Foreman : She confirmed it. What she didn't confirm was their date tonight. He bailed on her.

Chase : If he's standing her up, he must have something better going on.

Foreman : Better than sex with a 22-year-old? [looking at a text] Who's RT92?

Chase : Presumably a 21-year-old.

Foreman : Whoever it is, Taub's meeting 'em at my place at 8:00, which is usually when I go to the gym.

Chase : Guess you'll be missing spin class.

[The shower turns off. Foreman quickly puts Taub’s phone back in the locker and leaves the room with Chase.]

[Cut to the competition site. Lots of contestants are getting ready.]

Man on PA : Okay, contestants, the field is now open for practice. You've got one hour. Have fun.

[House picks up his spud-gun from the trunk of his car and walks away. Thirteen follows him.]

Thirteen : Schedule 80 PVC is pressure rated for 220 psi, fuel valve 300. We can easily push it to 250, have your friend Harold peeing in his pants.

[They both stop as they see Harold arrive. He’s a teenager, with a massive gun, much larger than theirs. Harold shoots a practice spud for them to see, it sails out of sight.]

Thirteen [clearly impressed] : Damn.

House : Be cool.

[House hands her the gun and walks over to talk to Harold.]

[With the background music, and House and Harold facing each other walking slowly, we get a “Sergio Leone” feeling of the scene.]

[They both stop, a few feet away from each other.]

House : Harold.

Harold : House. You look good. I like that jacket on you.

House : Thanks. You filled out a little.

Harold [noticing Thirteen in the back] : Who's the babe?

[House spits on the floor.]

House : She's the boot in your ass. Perhaps you've heard of famed Russian physicist Olga Petrovich?

Harold [smiling] : Olga Petrovich is 72 years old.

House : And her granddaughter works at a little place called JPL.

Harold [enjoying this] : I did an internship there last summer.

House : She killed a man.

[Suddenly, the gun Thirteen is holding goes off, sending her flying to the ground. The shot hits the window of a truck nearby.]

Thirteen [getting up] : No.

Harold [mockingly] : I'm guessing she didn't do it with a spud gun.

Thirteen : Just a bad combustion valve.

[Harold smiles, feeling confident.]

House [pissed] : Shut up.

[Cut to Foreman’s apartment. Foreman gets in discreetly to spy on Taub. We hear laughs and sounds of kissing in the background. Foreman goes in the living room to find Taub making out with a woman on the couch.]

Foreman : On my sofa.

Taub [totally surprised] Oh. Uh. Hey. [pointing at the woman] You remember my wife.

[Rachel Taub appears putting her clothes back on.]

Rachel [embarrassed] : Hi, Eric.

Foreman : Hey… RT92.

[Foreman and the couple all look very uncomfortable with the situation.]

[Cut to a motel room. House is lying on one of the two single beds, wearing his glasses, a t-shirt and his pajama pants. He is drawing trajectories and making calculations on the motel’s Holy Bible. Thirteen comes into the room with four boxes of pies.]

Thirteen : I hope you like rhubarb.

[She puts them on the nightstand between the two beds.]

Thirteen : We're celebrating. We're going rogue. [She takes off her vest, picks up a black tank top and goes into the bathroom to change.]

Thirteen : We rip out the combustion valve, replace it with disks. With enough pressure, it should blow out at maximum velocity.

House : Turning the spud into spudnik. What do we use for disks?

Thirteen : Well, here's a hint. I actually hate rhubarb.

House [looking at the boxes] : Pie tins. You're a genius. You know that I'm a doctor. Any interest I have in the human body is purely clinical.

Thirteen [getting out of the bathroom] : Yeah, that line never works for me either.

House : That line always works for you.

[They each pick up a box and start eating some pie.]

House : So what did you do?

Thirteen : No more guessing?

House [kind of desperate] : I need to know. [She won’t answer.] I can make some phone calls, see if we can speed up your medical board hearing. In the meantime, no one could stop me from hiring an assistant.

[Thirteen is surprised by the offer. She finally decides to open up. There’s a long silent moment before she answers.]

Thirteen [looking down] : You were right this morning. I met a guy at a coffee shop, we went back to my place, and he O.D.'d.

House : Damn. I could have saved myself a job offer.

Thirteen : We both acted like idiots. And I ended up doing time. Guess he did more.

[Cut to Nina and Brian’s room. She is asleep. Masters is checking on Brian.]

Brian : When we first moved into the house, we had people over all the time. Then she started collecting things. I figured it was a hobby. Piles turned into art projects, and art projects turned into what you saw.

Masters : So why do you stay?

Brian : To everyone else, the world is full of junk… meaningless, ugly, broken things. But to Nina, every shape, every color, texture, smell, they all tell a story. They're all worth treasuring. I wouldn't wish what she has on anyone, but every now and then I get a glimpse of what she sees, and… It helps.

Masters : Your lungs are clearing up nicely. Respiratory rate's normal. Temp's normal. Looks like you're gonna be fine.

[A monitor beeps. Masters quickly walks over to Nina’s bed to check on her.]

Brian [worried] : She okay?

Masters : Something's wrong with her heart.

[Cut to the motel room. It’s late at night, House is in his bed, eyes closed, but he opens them as he hears someone sobbing. He rolls over and sees Thirteen crying by the window. He lies back down silently, leaving her alone but wondering what is wrong.]

[Cut to the Diagnostic room, the next morning. The team is gathered around the table, DDX-ing with House via cell-phone. House is still in the motel room, probably waiting for Thirteen.]

Taub : The husband is fine. The wife is worse. She had a heart attack.

Masters : Her heart attack could be from a complication.

Taub : Q fever would cause congestive heart failure, not myocardial infarction.

Chase : So she had Q fever and something else that causes heart attack?

House : And the hoarding. Now that the wife is the only patient, hoard is back on the board.

Chase : Or we were wrong about Q fever. I don't buy it's just a coincidence.

House : It's not a coincidence. Diagnosis X caused the hoarding, which caused the Q fever when the raccoons came to spend spring break at her house. Now all we have to do is solve for X.

Taub : I remember somebody saying that hoarding could be a symptom. We should do an MRI. Hydrogen sulfide. It's given off by eggs and rotting food. Long-term exposure could cause the pulmonary issues, headaches…

Chase : Even the heart attack. Hydrogen sulfide is also a vasodilator.

House : Which my crack team never tested the place for. Of course, half my crack team never tested the place for people.

Masters : So we should go back, check it out.

Chase : Might be safer to just assume we're right and start treatment.

House : Go with God. And some air freshener.

Foreman : You know, maybe Taub is right, so I'm gonna stay here with him and help him with the MRI.`

[Foreman and Taub leave the room, Masters seems pleased as Chase is once again pissed for having been tricked.]

Cut to the competition. There are a lot of people, training, walking around, buying food or drinks, …]

Man on PA : Shine up your spuds, folks. We're gonna start shooting for hang time in just a few minutes.

[House and Thirteen are preparing to fire their gun.]

House : The wind's coming from the southeast. You have to aim five degrees to the left. [He adjusts the spud-gun.]

Thirteen : We're gonna break 14 seconds. I can feel it. [Smiling] When I was 10 or 11, my dad used to take us to this county fair. And there was this kid… [House looks confused.] What?

House : Who's "us"?

Thirteen : My mom and me.

House [figuring something out] : Your mom who had advanced stage Huntington's. [Thirteen looks uncomfortable.] You have a sibling that you've never mentioned. Why did you slip up now?

Thirteen : Not everything means something. We're gonna be up soon. I want to check the pressure. She picks up the gun and walks away.]

[As Thirteen works on the gun, House finally puts the pieces of the puzzle together, one by one.]

House : You don't wake up in the middle of the night to cry over a dead stranger. You don't confess to killing a man and then hide the details unless the details reveal more about you than the crime itself. [pause] You pled down to drugs. You've got a horrible genetic disease and a sibling who's suddenly on your mind.

[Thirteen turns around to face him, he’s got it all figured out.]

House : You euthanized your brother. And that guy back at the house was the doctor who wouldn't help you cover it up.

Thirteen [holding back her tears] : The guy back at the house is my cellmate's boyfriend. He cheated on her when she was inside.

House : But I was right about everything else.

Thirteen : Congratulations. [She walks away. House is speechless.]

[Cut to the MRI room. Taub and Foreman are sitting in front of the computers, performing Nina’s MRI.]

Taub : You're mad.

Foreman : No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.

Taub : I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.

Foreman : Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.

Taub : You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry, [slightly laughing] but it was worth it.

Foreman : Yeah, I bet. You get to mess with her physically and emotionally.

Taub : I still care about her.

Foreman : Not enough to let her move on with her life. While we're talking about your bad ideas, MRI's clean.

[Cut to Brian and Nina’s house. Once again, Chase and Masters are looking around for clues.]

Masters : There has to be some kind of inciting psychological incident.

Chase : This is perfect for you. You get all the human interaction you crave without any actual human interaction.

Masters [going through old yearbooks] : She was a cheerleader. Huh.

Chase : You know when you're interested in something and nobody else is, the polite thing is to keep it to yourself.

Masters : Popular, beautiful, gregarious.

Chase : Hydrogen sulfide's about two parts per billion. The size of a healthy fart. I'll be back for you in July.

[He walks out as Masters is still looking at the pictures.]

[Cut to a wooded area near the competition. Thirteen isolated herself to cry, House approaches her.]

[As she tells the story, Thirteen tries to hold back her tears, breathing profoundly. She won’t face House who is standing right behind her.]

Thirteen [with red eyes from all the crying] : He couldn't do it himself. He was… the disease had progressed too far. He was flailing. He didn't have any control over his own body. He pretty much lost control of his mind too, but… every once in a while, he would have a few seconds of lucidity. He turned to me, and he said, "it's time." I hooked up the I.V. I used gloves. I knew they'd get me on the drugs, but they couldn't prove who pushed the plunger. [She pauses to cry.] I put in the needle, and he just… Got quiet. And it was over. [Pause, she seems relieved.] And I was alone. And one day, I will be that sick, and there will be no one there when it's time.

[She turns around to face House. She’s fighting back tears but she’s surprised to see him so silent.]

Thirteen [letting the anger come in] : I didn't expect compassion from you. I would have taken commiseration. Hell, I would have taken revulsion, any emotional engagement at all. [She pauses.] It's no wonder Cuddy broke up with you.

[House looks hurt but doesn’t react. He just turns around and walks back to the competition area, without a word.]

[At the shooting area, House picks up his gun, ready to shoot. He is interrupted by Harold standing behind him.]

Harold : Dumped in a field in Schenectady. Ouch. You mind if I make a move? I know she's out of my league, but she's at a spud gun contest with the soon-to-be five-time runner-up, so she's probably got some self-esteem issues.

[The situation seems to finally get on House’s nerves. He turns around and points the gun at Harold.]

Harold [holding his hands up] : You wouldn't.

[Cut to a New York State Police station. A door buzzes. This time, it’s Thirteen who is waiting outside to pick House up. He comes out, walks over to her and accepts the can of pop she’s offering him. He takes a sip.

Thirteen : So?

House : Warning.

Thirteen [surprised] : They gave you a warning?

House : Well, it turns out our friend Harold felt up the sheriff's daughter last night at the potato mash mixer, so sheriff's feeling kind of ambivalent.

Thirteen : You always get your way, don't you?

House : Not always. [resigned] Today would have been our one-year anniversary. [pause] Which is an incredibly arbitrary thing to celebrate.

[He looks away, drinking the pop. Thirteen doesn’t know what to say.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. Masters comes in, carrying a box covered with a sheet. Nina is lying in bed, Brian is sitting in a chair, by her side.]

Masters : If you want to get to the bottom of something, you literally have to dig down to the bottom. So stratigraphically, the oldest stuff I found was in the bedroom. And the oldest stuff in the bedroom was in the closet. And at the bottom of the closet… Tell me about this. [She pulls out a baby’s onesie form the box.]

[Cut to the Diagnostic room where the team is gathered to talk to House, via cellphone.]

Masters : We have a new symptom. Infertility. They wanted kids but couldn't have them. She started collecting things to fill the void. We should run a full hormone blood panel.

House : Hey, Harriet the Spy, before you get too full of yourself, you might want to go back to bio 101. It takes two to not-tango.

Taub : Hubby could be shooting blanks.

[As he is talking, Thirteen is trying to get House to see another possibility without making any noise to let the team know she’s there.]

House : So either it's a new symptom that will help us save her life or it's a complete waste of time.

[Thirteen is obviously unsuccessful.]

House : Figure out which is fried, the bacon or the eggs.

Masters : I'll start the hormone workup.

[The team gets up to leave. Thirteen can’t help herself anymore.]

Thirteen : There's another option.

[They all stop moving, taken completely off-guard.]

Foreman [suspicious] : House, who's that?

House : Radio. [Thirteen looks both amused and bothered that she’s been recognized.]

Foreman : Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.

House : It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."

Thirteen : She said they never had kids.

[The guys are all shocked to find out that it’s really her.]

Taub : Oh, my God. Where the hell have you been?

House [trying to change the subject] : I think we've all got something a little more important to worry about than…

Chase : No, we don't. She's been missing for a year.

House : You can ask her all about it when she comes in on Monday. [He gives Thirteen a look, she slightly smiles.]

Masters [worried] : Monday? This Monday?

Thirteen : Can I talk? She said they never had kids, and you all jumped to infertility. You never considered the other option.

[House hangs up the phone.]

House : And the bitch is back. [They both smile.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. Masters comes in to give them the latest news.]

Masters : We think you have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. It would explain the symptoms. It also causes miscarriages. Is that something you think you might have?

Brian : Were you pregnant?

[Nina starts crying.]

Nina : Three times.

Masters : The miscarriages triggered the hoarding. Hoarding eventually made you sick too.

Brian [in shock] : Can you cure her?

Masters : We can treat the physical symptoms as they arise, make her life a lot better, but the hoarding, we're the wrong kind of doctors.

Brian [To Nina] : You lied to me? For nine years?

Nina [crying] : I was so afraid of losing you.

Brian : What have I ever done to make you afraid of that? [He sobs.] I need to get some air.

[He gets up and leaves the room as Nina cries.]

[Cut to Rachel and Taub’s apartment. They sit, side by side, on the bed.]

Taub : I've been selfish. I need to let you move on. I think we should stop seeing each other.

Rachel : No.

Taub : Um, I just want you to be able to…

Rachel : The last time you got all noble on me, we ended up dividing our dishes. This time, I want to make the decision.

Taub : You don't feel weird about this?

Rachel : Of course I feel weird about this. It's confusing and messy and dirty. Dumb. But we spent our whole lives trying to do everything right, and it sucked.

Taub : It wasn't all bad.

Rachel : It sucked, Chris. And this, [She puts her arm around his shoulder.] whatever it is, it's fun.

Taub : So I'm not taking advantage of you?

Rachel : The fun is fading.

[They kiss.]

Taub : You know… there's something seriously wrong with us.

Rachel : I know.

[They kiss more deeply and fall on the bed.]

In the background, S. Carey's “In the Dirt” starts to play

Back at the hospital, Brian comes back to Nina’s room.

don't leave ♪

♪ 'cause I believe


He takes her hand and they both struggle to smile at each other.

we were meant ♪

♪ to sleep ♪

♪ in the dirt


[Cut to House’s car. It’s late at night. He stops in front of Thirteen’s apartment building.]

House : Home, sweet home.

[She doesn’t get out, she just looks out the window.]

House : You owe me 87 bucks for gas.

[They are both silent. Thirteen doesn’t make a single move to get out.]

House : I'll kill you.

{Thirteen turns around to look at him, she doesn’t understand what he means.]

House : When the time comes, if you want me to.

[Thirteen is speechless. They look at each other silently.]

House : I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.

[Thirteen tries to hold back tears. She doesn’t know what to respond and seems to be looking for the right words.]

Thirteen : I'll see you Monday.

[House agrees and watches her getting out of the car and into her building, before driving off into the night.]

The End.

Tags: season 7
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