Written by: John C. Kelley
Directed by: Tucker Gates
Transcribed by: Tammy (beckston)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Note: In this episode we never learn the POTW’s real name. For the sake of consistency, I am going to call him Danny, as this is who he is thought to be for much of the episode]
[The scene opens on a large model rocket standing in an open field. Two boys stand nearby. The taller boy holds the control for the rocket. The smaller boy is holding a video camera, aimed at the rocket as they prepare for the launch]
Ryan: One small step for man…
Chris: One giant waste of your monthly allowance.
Ryan: Safety’s disengaged. We're go for launch in five, four, three, two, one!
[He pushes the launch button and the rocket soars into the air]
Chris: That was freakin' awesome!
[The rocket does not get very high before it breaks up in the air with a pop. A parachute deploys, and the rocket floats down into a grove of trees some distance away]
Ryan: Aw, jeez. Come on.
[The boys run into the woods looking for the rocket. They find the rocket suspended from a low tree branch. It is burning and has started the brush below the tree on fire also.]
Ryan: My father's gonna kill me!
Chris: (still holding the camera) Can I film that too?
[Ryan takes off his jacket and starts to beat out the flames. Chris continues to film the scene. Through the viewfinder of Chris’s camera, he sees a man lying on the ground beneath a large dead tree. The man is covered in leaves and he has just caught fire]
Ryan: (coming up beside his friend) What? Oh, man… Is that guy dead?
Chris: I think so.
[The man is not dead. He sits up as the flames engulf his arm]
Danny: Aah! Aah! Aah!
[Ryan begins to beat out the flames on the man’s arm as he continues to scream in pain]
Ryan: (calling out to his friend) Get the rest of the flames out!
Danny: Aah! Aah! Aah!
[The flames are out, but Danny’s hand is badly burnt]
Ryan: You… you gonna be okay, mister?
[A close-up of Danny reveals that he has a full beard and long hair. He is wearing a watch cap and is very dirty]
Danny: (sniffing his burnt hand) It smells like… like licorice?
[Danny passes out]
[The scene opens on the diagnostics conference room, where the team, minus House, is gathered around the table]
Masters: Think House is coming in today?
Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?
[Chase sees House speed by on a Segway. A young woman is riding behind him. She is wearing House’s backpack]
Chase: Ride some kind of prostitute chariot to work?
[An air horn sounds and the door opens. Dominika walks in, followed by House on the Segway. He rides it around the table, then spins it around so that he is standing beside Dominika. House takes off his sunglasses]
House: First person to offer me an interesting case gets to ride her… single or double-team. (Masters looks uncomfortable) My scooter, which, now said out loud, sounds even more inappropriate. (He hands his sunglasses to Dominika)
Taub: Seriously? You're bringing them to work now?
[Dominika sits in the chair between the conference room and House’s office, while House continues to ride the Segway around the table as the team presents the patient’s case]
Masters: 23-year-old homeless man brought into the E.R. with burn injuries and…
House: Let me guess… diagnosis was fire.
Masters: He said his burning flesh smelled like licorice, and the E.R. antiseptics like blueberry muffins.
[House finally stops beside Masters]
House: Cool. Dysosmia… could be anything from an environmental factor to an early sign of a degenerative brain disease. (taking the patient file from Masters) Smells like a winner. Okay, (speaking to Taub) you and Chase go check out the park where they found him. (to Masters and Foreman) You two load him up with Prednisone, give him an odor I.D. test. If he's still mistaking his body odors for candy, the problem's definitely in his brain. Also, find out what else he's lying about… (throwing the file down onto the table) Since I'm assuming "Ferris Bueller" is not his real name. (he starts up the Segway again)
Masters: (picking up the file) Why?
[House spins the Segway around sharply and comes to a quick stop. House and the team stare at her. Chase looks astonished]
Masters: Seriously, who is that?
Taub: They say he's a righteous dude.
House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
[Dominika stands and hooks her arm into House’s possessively]
Dominika: Nice to be meetings you all.
[She puts a wedding invitation down on the table]
Chase: Doing what exactly?
House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]
Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed…
House: Living on the edge, baby doll!
[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]
[Cut to Danny eating what is probably his first healthy meal in quite awhile. Foreman and Masters enter the room]
Foreman: How's the arm?
Danny: Hmm? It hurts. Do I have to check out now?
Masters: Not until we figure out why your sense of smell is off. When was the first time you noticed it?
Danny: Maybe a couple months ago.
Foreman: We also need you to tell us your real name, so we can review your medical records.
Danny: I didn't ask to come here, okay? I'm not paying for any of this.
Foreman: Don't worry. I don't think the collection agency has an office in the park.
Danny: I don't have a medical history. I've always been healthy.
Foreman: What about those scars and burn marks? (opening Danny’s gown to look at the burns on his chest) Lean forward.
[Danny leans forward, and Foreman pulls down the gown in the back, revealing even more burn marks on his back. Foreman sighs loudly as he closes Danny’s gown]
Danny: My dad… We didn't exactly get along when I was a kid.
Masters: How many times were you hospitalized?
Danny: Never. He was good at it. Made sure he never did anything that couldn't be covered up by a sweatshirt.
Masters: I'm sorry.
Danny: No, don't be. I'm not. The past is the past. That's why I don't like talking about it.
[Cut to House charging through a hospital door on the Segway, almost knocking a man down in the process. His cane hangs on the handlebars. He slows down at the nurse’s station and drops an invitation into a box on the counter. He turns the corner of the nurse’s station and almost runs into Cuddy]
Cuddy: You can't ride that thing in here.
House: Speaking of things, (He looks through the stack of invitations he is carrying) I'm having one on Friday. If you want to drop by, we'd love to have you. (He hands an invitation to Cuddy) No pressure.
Cuddy: You're still standing on it.
House: So I am. Perhaps you're not familiar with New Jersey handicap ordinances.
[House takes a blue handicap parking placard out of his breast pocket and hangs it on the Segway’s handlebars]
Cuddy: (holding up a piece of paper) Or perhaps I am. They apply to wheelchairs and powered scooters only, not toys.
[She takes the placard from the Segway]
House: Have you any idea how much this toy cost?
Cuddy: I don't care.
House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.
Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care.
House: Fine. I'll return it.
[House climbs slowly off of the Segway, holding onto the counter for support and taking advantage of Cuddy’s guilt]
House: But I’ll have to walk it out of here.
Cuddy: Stop. I'll make an exception for your leg. But next time, check with me first.
[House steps back up on the Segway, backs up to the corner of the nurse’s station, then turns and heads around the other side of the station and down another hallway]
[Cut to Wilson entering House’s office. House is sitting in the Eames chair getting a neck massage from Dominika. He has a washcloth on his face]
Wilson: Congratulations on your engagement.
House: I hear a strange voice.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
House: I know we said no secrets, but I think I need to take this alone, honey bunny.
Dominika: Okay. (she leaves the office, putting her hand on Wilson’s shoulder as she exits) Nice to be meeting you. (Wilson giggles)
[Wilson pulls the cloth off House’s face and tosses it aside]
Wilson: You're trying to screw with Cuddy.
House: Yeah, it's the classic "You dumped me, so I'm gonna get married a week later" ruse. 'Cause not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.
Wilson: And what, you're openly mocking marriage… trying to prove it means nothing?
House: It doesn't. But you proved that yourself years ago.
[House gets up and goes to his desk]
Wilson: I'd love to keep guessing, but I've got people with tumors waiting. Why do you want us to think that you're getting married?
House: Only one theory left… I am. Dominika needs a green card.
[House opens a drawer in his desk and takes out a yellow folder]
Wilson: So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that… Pay huge fines.
House: (opening the folder) Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000.
[House hands the folder to Wilson, then sits down behind his desk. The folder has been folded backwards and a pie chart is visible]
House: All I have to do is say two stupid words… "I do."
Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way?
House: (putting his feet up on the desk) Iron-clad prenup… We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, "Brilliant idea, House."
[Wilson looks through the financial information House has put together as House puts his hands behind his head and leans back in his chair, a satisfied look on his face]
[Cut to Foreman and Masters entering Danny’s room. Danny is now clean shaven]
Masters: Wow. You look different.
Foreman: The Prednisone has had time to work, so we need to give you the odor I.D. test now.
[Masters opens a case full of small glass vials and sets it on the tray table. She takes out one of the vials and takes off the lid]
Masters: (holding the open vial in front of his nose) We need you to tell us what you smell.
Danny: (sniffing) Oh… Something spoiled… Maybe, rotting meat?
Foreman: It's baby powder.
[Masters hold another vial in front of Danny’s nose]
Danny: I kind of like that one. Peppermint?
Foreman: It's extremely bad body odor.
Danny: Well, you got to admit, that one's kind of a good deal for me.
[Taub comes into the room carrying a backpack. Chase is with him. Taub puts the backpack on the tray table and unzips it]
Danny: My backpack. Oh, where'd you find it?
Chase: In the park, right next to a big pile of questions.
Taub: (holding out a tin of syringes and cotton balls) What kind of drugs you shooting up?
Danny: Vitamin supplements. I've been trying to boost my immune system. All right, test me if you don't believe me.
Taub: Ferris tell you his real name yet?
Masters: Peter Johnson.
[Taub holds up a paperback book with “Danny Jennings” handwritten on the first page]
Taub: Danny Jennings.
Danny: I bought those books used.
Taub: All from the same guy?
Danny: I'm sorry, you know, I think I should check out now. (Danny starts to get out of bed) And I should… Ow!
Masters: What's wrong?
Danny: Oh, my stomach.
[As Danny leans forward, blood can be seen spreading out on the sheets beneath him]
Foreman: Gastrointestinal bleeding.
[Cut to Dominika massaging Foreman’s feet in the diagnostics conference room. Taub, Masters, and Chase are sitting at the table]
Masters: Is anyone else disturbed by this? (Taub raises his hand)
Foreman: What? She offered.
[House and Foreman are both reclining in chairs with their feet up. Foreman’s pant legs are pushed up as Dominika massages his feet. House has cucumber slices on his eyes]
Masters: Danny may have lied about his name, but he was telling the truth about the vials. Tests confirm they were vitamin A and B12.
House: He also enjoys vitamin H. The kid's a junkie.
Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use.
[House takes the cucumber slices off his eyes]
House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested… (He eats one of the cucumber slices) 'Cause unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally ill 20-somethings without drug problems don't exist. He was a heavy user sometime in the last five months.
[Dominika finishes Foreman’s massage and takes out the cotton balls she had places between his toes]
Foreman: Wow. That was incredible. Thank you.
Dominika: No, thank you. I like a man with the big, strong, sexy feet. (She wiggles his big toe playfully)
House: He really puts the "mani" in the "pedi."
Foreman: If he has a history of snorting heroin, he could have caused the dysosmia himself.
Masters: But we still need to explain the bleeding in his G.I. tract.
Chase: Vitamin injections could have caused that… Hypervitaminosis A syndrome.
Masters: So his symptoms aren't connected.
Taub: House, you buying this?
[Dominika has moved over to sit by House’s chair. She is giving him a manicure]
House: Not usually. But this guy's been sleeping on a bed of dog poop. I wouldn't be surprised if he's got six different symptoms for six different reasons.
Masters: The bleed could be caused by a G.I. obstruction.
House: Vitamin O.D. makes sense, and it's easier to treat. Give him Tocopherol and zinc supplements for the excess vitamin A. If we're right… he could go homeless tomorrow.
Masters: And if we're wrong, his intestines could get further distressed, while we ignore the G.I. obstruction.
House: (to Dominika) See what happens when women don't have to serve men to stay in the country? The get all uppity. This is why we invented green cards. (to Masters) Go X-ray the guy's abdomen, if it'll make you feel all equal. (Masters leaves)
[Cut to House barging into Cuddy’s office on the Segway]
House: I need a favor. (tossing a folder on her desk) I want to add my fiancee's name to my health insurance a few days early. She wants to get a tooth capped before the big day. (He spins around on the Segway)
Cuddy: (opening the folder) I'm not signing this.
House: I agree. (spinning around again) I think she looks beautiful the way she is. Oh, no, wait. You're not signing that for moral reasons?
[House has moved up close to Cuddy’s desk. He now leans down, speaking to her face to face]
House: You're declaring yourself the sole arbiter of true love? 'Cause you covered Taub's wife for years.
Cuddy: It's fraud.
House: (calling out to Dominika in Russian) Voydi moya malishka (“Come in my baby.”)
[House straightens up as Dominika comes in to stand beside him. She is holding a decorative food tin]
House: She wanted me to bribe you, like they do back in the old country. (to Dominika) Tell her what I said.
Dominika: This is America… the land of the home and the free of the braves.
House: Yeah, I just get teary-eyed every time I hear her say that. She brought you a gift.
Dominika: Almond kulich… I make with own hands. I-it's delicious.
[Dominika holds out the tin to Cuddy, opening the lid so that she can see the Kulich. Kulich is a traditional Easter bread from Russia]
House: Almond kulich… How can you say no to that?
Cuddy: (taking the tin) You realize if I do sign this and you don't get legally married, you'll lose your insurance with our carrier?
[Dominika is gripping House’s arm with both hands]
Cuddy: Fine. It's your life. (she signs the form and hands the folder to Dominika) I wish you both the best with it.
Dominika: (smiling) Thank you.
House: North, Miss Teschmacher! (Eve Teschmacher was Lex Luthor’s assistant in the first two Superman movies)
[House spins around and he and Dominika leave the office]
[Cut to Chase and Masters performing the X-ray on Danny]
Masters: Your blood test was clean, but your hair showed heroin use.
Danny: I've been clean over three months now.
Chase: How'd you kick it?
Danny: I had to die first. I O.D.'d back in November, and they said I was clinically dead for several minutes. It was like God gave me a second chance to do things right this time.
Chase: You're saying God cured you?
Danny: No. State rehab cured me. But, I should be dead, but I'm not. It has to mean something. I mean, I-I must be here for a reason, right?
Masters: Did you figure out the reason?
Danny: My goal is to become a doctor one day. I am smart. I mean, I got a scholarship for premed out of high school.
Masters: Chase… (Chase goes over to Masters who is looking at the monitor) Look.
[Cut to the team in the radiology lab. They are looking at Danny’s X-rays]
Masters: We found 13 masses spread across the wall of his colon, ranging from two to eight millimeters.
Taub: It can't be tumors. Edges are too sharp and defined.
Chase: I thought it might be parasites, but we didn't see any movement between X-ray exposures.
Foreman: And no larvae or eggs were observed in any of his stool samples.
House: Which is kind of surprising for a homeless junkie living in a park.
Chase: Ex-junkie… Claims he's been clean for over three months.
Masters: And he's not planning on staying homeless. He's trying to protect his health, which is why he's been taking vitamin supplements. He wants to be a doctor.
Taub: He's just telling you what you want to hear.
[As Taub speaks the sound of pills in a bottle can be heard]
House: Once an addict, always an addict.
[House dry swallows some pills]
Masters: Can you… please not do that in front of me?
House: Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on the stuff. We could be looking at fungal masses hanging off the walls of his colon. Start him on Amphotericin "B" tonight, and in the morning, run a scope up where the sun don't shine, see if you can find any truffles.
[Cut to Taub performing the colonoscopy. Foreman stands by, watching the monitor]
Taub: I think we should boycott this wedding on principle.
Foreman: I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party.
Taub: W-what about Chase? He ask him?
Foreman: Yep. He's in it.
Taub: What the hell?
Foreman: You just said you weren't even going.
Taub: I still have feelings.
Foreman: (spotting something on the monitor) What's that? (Taub pauses the scope and a small white spot can be seen on the monitor) That's definitely not a fungus.
[Cut to Danny’s room, where Foreman is holding up a bottle of bone bits for Danny to see]
Foreman: You were bleeding because you had 13 pieces of bone in your digestive tract.
Masters: We think you have pica, a craving for nonfood items that's caused by a chemical imbalance…
Danny: I didn't crave them. I kind of… volunteered to eat them.
Masters: W-what? Why?
Danny: There's this great Italian restaurant I like to frequent. And by "restaurant," I mean their dumpster out back. The cook is kind of a friend of mine. He challenges me to eat stuff. Sometimes it's raw squid, or, you know, I have to chew on a chicken bone. But if I do it, then he hooks me up with real food, not just the garbage.
Masters: Great friend.
Foreman: These fragments could have perforated your colon and killed you.
Masters: You have to promise us you'll stop.
Danny: (sitting up) I think there's something wrong with my eyes.
Foreman: What is it?
Danny: Uh, it's like I'm looking at you from the bottom of a well.
[The camera cuts to Danny’s perspective. He is seeing Foreman through a tunnel. Foreman shines a light in his eyes.]
[Cut to the balcony above the PPTH main lobby. House and Dominika are flying remote control helicopters as House and the team discuss Danny’s latest symptom]
Masters: If we add tunnel vision to the dysosmia, we can subtract the bone-induced abdominal bleeding.
Taub: I thought the dysosmia was from heroin.
Masters: He said he never snorted, he just shot up. So that wouldn't have affected his sense of smell.
Taub: And we believe the lying liar why?
[House flies his copter toward Masters and Taub, who have to duck to avoid being hit]
Foreman: House… Are you even listening to us?
House: I'll start when you decide what the symptoms are and give me some theories.
Taub: If we combine the dysosmia with the tunnel vision, the symptoms fit for western equine encephalitis.
[House hovers his copter in the air beside Taub’s head as he speaks]
House: But the patient doesn't… no fever.
[The hovering copter shoots at Taub, who is hit in the head]
Taub: Ow! What the hell?
House: Negative reinforcement.
Chase: What about Foster Kennedy Syndrome? He could have a meningioma or plasmacytoma. Started by pressing on his olfactory nerves, it affects his sense of smell, and now it's growing and pressing on his optic nerve.
House: Good. MRI his head, find it.
[House sees Cuddy walk through the lobby with some potential donors]
Cuddy: Your potential donation…
House: (to Dominika) Hey, hey.
[House flies his copter down toward Cuddy on the main floor]
Cuddy: …Have an immediate impact on our community. We could extend the hours… (She sees the helicopter flying toward her)
Mrs. Weston: Something wrong?
Cuddy: No. I just think maybe it would be a better idea to have a tour of the clinic first. It's right this way.
[House zooms his copter in on Cuddy and fires a shot, which hits her in the stomach. He then circles the copter around and knocks over a vase of flowers sitting on the counter. The vase falls to the floor and breaks. Cuddy looks up at House who actually looks rather embarrassed]
Mrs. Weston: (as the vase hits the floor) Oh… Oh! Oh!
Cuddy: (trying not to be fazed by House’s antics and leading the donors toward the clinic) Uh… We have several patients that are children, and we find that it's important to give them the opportunity to play to make the hospital a less intimidating place.
[Cut to Taub and Chase in a control room. They are doing the MRI on Danny’s head]
Danny: (from inside the MRI) M-my dad used to lock me in a closet, and it… and it feels like I can't breathe.
Taub: (to Danny) We need you to stay still.
Chase: Give him a break.
Taub: You want him squirming around? We'll have to do it twice.
Chase: I want you to show him a little respect.
Taub: You really think this kid can turn his life around?
Chase: He believes God gave him a second chance. That kind of belief can be powerful.
Taub: Masters doesn't surprise me. He plays the fellow med student who dreams of being a doctor and reels her in. But you, falling for his deep connection with God?
Chase: He has hope. After all he's been through, it kind of makes me root for him.
Taub: We don't even know who he is, except that he lies about who he is. The bit about his abusive father is probably all made up.
Chase: And he faked the scars?
Taub: He's a punk. Probably got into a lot of fights. And he sucked you in using the dad story.
Danny: I don't think I'm feeling very well. (Taub sighs) I think I'm…
[Danny vomits inside the MRI]
Taub: He's vomiting.
Chase: Should I ask him to stay still while he does that? (They go to get Danny out of the machine)
[Cut to the radiology lab. The MRI scans are up on the wall. House and Dominika are playing ping-pong against Chase and Foreman using the large tabletop light table as a ping-pong table and a roll of bandages held on by clamps for a net. Only Chase and Dominika are playing with actual ping-pong paddles (from the doctor’s lounge?). Foreman and House are each using a book as a makeshift paddle]
Taub: He has two dark spots in the parietal cortex. They're not tumors… Maybe some kind of, uh, injury or inborn defect.
Masters: Apparently he was clinically dead for several seconds when he O.D.'d. The dark spots could be brain damage from oxygen starvation.
[The game stops temporarily when the balls goes off the table on House’s side. He picks it up]
House: Except it's not. I've seen MRI imagery like that in schizophrenics. (back to the game) Three serving two.
[The ping-pong game continues]
Masters: But schizophrenia doesn't explain why his blood pressure skyrocketed, and he threw up in the MRI.
Chase: Panic attack. He's claustrophobic. He was fine once we let him out.
Foreman: The dysosmia and tunnel vision could be hallucinations.
Taub: Except, as was already covered, he was screened for mental illness down in the E.R.
[House slams the ball over the net. Both Chase and Foreman miss it]
Dominika: (clapping) In your head!
House: It's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
House: Close enough. The E.R. docs missed it, because he didn't present with major symptoms yet. We're seeing it in its infancy.
Masters: So we treat him, and then what? He becomes just another schizophrenic homeless man wandering the streets… We have to help him.
House: I'd love to, but I got four million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.
[Cut to a brief evening shot of PPTH at night and then to House at his desk, wearing his glasses and reading a journal. Wilson enters]
Wilson: You two spent months trying to figure out a way to date and not have it affect your working relationship. Now you need to do the same thing for not dating.
House: No, I don't.
Wilson: This is serious. Did you know that she's…
House: She's dying of guilt and feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean, not the dumping part, but the part where she'll now let me do whatever I want.
Wilson: So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad, and your only goal is to take advantage?
House: That's not true. I got plenty of goals. (taking off his glasses) One of them is a 60-inch flat screen right there. (He nods toward the wall in front of his desk)
Wilson: You're a lot of things House, but you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who isn't fighting back.
[Cut to Masters hanging up the phone at a nurses station. Taub approaches and they head toward Danny’s room]
Masters: I already gave him a second dose of Clozapine. You don't need…
Taub: I'll bet you 50 bucks his favorite sport is hockey.
Masters: How could you possibly know that?
Taub: Just a hunch.
[They enter Danny’s room]
Taub: How you feeling?
Danny: My arm kind of hurts.
Taub: I'll talk to the nurse about upping your pain meds.
[Taub pulls a pen shaped like a hockey stick out of his pocket and begins to write something on Danny’s chart. Danny notices the pen]
Danny: Hockey, eh?
Taub: Oh, my nephew bought it for me… knows I'm a huge fan.
Danny: I hate hockey.
Masters: If this is schizophrenia, you're gonna need regular care. I found some shelters that have full-time medical staff and also offer…
Danny: Oh, my arm really hurts!
Masters: Let's have a look.
Danny: Ow… It feels like it's on fire!
Taub: We need to take a look under the bandages.
Danny: (holding up his unbandaged arm) Ow! No, no, no. Not that one, this one!
[Cut to a monster truck with “Colossus” written on the side, pulling into the PPTH parking lot. It stops and House calls out to the team, who have obviously been alerted to its arrival]
House: Ahoy there, me hearties! Permission to come aboard.
[House throws a rope ladder out the window]
[Cut to House and the team driving down the road in the monster truck. Chase is the only one who looks like he is having fun. Taub looks terrified. Foreman and Masters are just hanging on for dear life. Motorcycle Song by the Binges is playing loudly throughout this scene. House and the team have to almost yell to be heard by one another]
Masters: Danny said his left arm felt like it was on fire last night. We assumed it was a schizophrenic delusion, but…
House: It's not. He's on Clozapine. He'd be getting better, not worse.
Chase: Sounds like regional pain syndrome. Has to be a genetic disorder.
Foreman: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first.
House: Don't make me take my shoe off!
Foreman: We need to run his DNA. He could have early onset of Parkinson's.
House: Or cortical-based ganglionic degeneration or Huntington's or any one of a dozen other genetic diseases.
Masters: Hey, if you let us out, we can start testing.
House: If we're gonna test for them all, it'll take weeks. I'm not canceling my honeymoon to treat this kid.
Taub: It's a fake marriage, but a real honeymoon?
House: Most are.
Foreman: Danny could also die before we get through testing for all the possibilities.
House: So we cheat. Since it's genetic, daddy or mommy's got it too. They're either sick or dead.
Masters: He doesn't know where his mother is, and he won't tell us where his father is.
[House slams on the brakes at a red light throwing everyone forward]
House: He's a homeless ex-junkie. Are you telling me that you four geniuses can't outwit him? Green light! (House floors the accelerator, throwing everyone back against their seats)
[Cut to House sitting behind his desk, busily engaged in writing something. There is a large cardboard box sitting on the floor in front of the desk and a large screen TV on the wall. Taub walks in and looks at both the box and the TV]
House: Cuddy got it for me. And now I'm drafting a request for a study into the effects of caffeine involving an Italian espresso machine and a massage chair, so make it quick.
Taub: I found Danny's father.
House: Well done.
Taub: The kid said he was in a state-sponsored rehab last November. There's only one Danny Jennings that was in treatment at the time, and he listed his father's address as his primary next of kin.
House: The "well done" was for making it quick. Now I'm gonna have to take that back.
Taub: He lives about 30 minutes from the hospital.
House: And the reason you're continuing to talk instead of driving there?
Taub: Chase and Masters are already on their way. (Taub pauses and House looks up at him) Why didn't you ask me to be part of your wedding?
House: You are genuinely upset at being mockingly snubbed by a mock wedding?
Taub: Is it because I haven't been here as long as them? Or is it that you really don't like me? Or are… are you just s-screwing…
[A hand comes up from behind the desk and grabs hold of House’s arm. A second later Dominika appears from below the desk]
Taub: Um… I'll… I'll come back when she's finished.
House: She is. (Dominika puts some tools on the desk) Oh, my God! W-what did you think she was doing? She's just installing the cable. (Taub leaves as House calls out after him) That's not a euphemism!
Dominika: Oh, I feel sorry for the little one. Isn't there something we can do?
[Cut to a two story house in the suburbs. Chase and Masters knock on the front door. It is answered by Danny Jenning’s father]
Mr. Jennings: Can I help you?
Chase: We need to talk to you about your son Danny.
Mr. Jennings: Danny? Who are you?
Masters: We're his doctors.
Chase: We need to know if you, or perhaps his mother, have any family history of genetic disease.
Mr. Jennings: Why? What difference would it make?
Masters: You may not care about your son, but…
Mr. Jennings: Is that what Danny told you when he was in rehab… we didn't love him?
Chase: Um, not why we came here. We just want to know if there's any diagnosed genetic disease in your family.
Masters: We're trying to make your son better.
Mr. Jennings: Better? He died of a drug overdose. We buried him three months ago. (He closes the door on them)
[Cut to Danny’s room. Danny is eating a healthy meal. House enters and pulls up a rolling stool beside the bed. He places his fingers on Danny’s neck, feeling for a pulse]
Danny: Who are you?
Danny: What are you doing?
Danny: Who are you?
House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. (House leans his cane against the bed) Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
Danny: I'm not a criminal.
House: Awesome. What color is my underwear?
Danny: I'm not telling you my name.
House: No problem. I just need your father's name.
Danny: Forget it.
House: Care to tell me why?
Danny: He’s looking for me. He supposedly… cleaned up and got sober. And now he… he wants to be a part of my life again. And I can't let that happen.
House: You're a big boy now. You still think he can hurt you?
Danny: You don't get it. If I ever see my dad again… I'll kill him.
[Danny tries to pick up the cup on his meal tray, but can’t seem to grab hold of it]
Danny: What's happening to me?
House: Well, luckily for you, we don't need daddy to figure that one out.
[Masters is waiting for House as he exits Danny’s room. They walk together to the elevator]
Masters: Did you find out his real name?
House: Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters: That's a weird name.
House: (pushing the elevator button) The guy whiffed twice trying to pick up a cup right in front of him. That plus everything else…
[House takes some pills out of a bottle in his pocket, then, looking at Masters, turns his back on her to put them in his mouth, but he turns back to face Masters before swallowing them]
House: Means that we have whittled our list of genetic diseases… (He swallows the pills) All the way down to one… Early-onset Parkinson's.
Masters: After everything he's been through, now we have to tell him, "Hey, you have
an incurable disease that gets progressively worse."
House: You could lie. I'm fine with that. But you'll probably both feel better if you give him Levodopa and confirm with DNA tests.
[Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office]
Wilson: He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
[Wilson walks to the chair in front of her desk and sits, crossing him arms over his chest]
Wilson: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
[Cut to the hospital chapel. House is watching Dominika arrange some flowers at the front of the room. Cuddy enters]
Cuddy: I changed my mind.
House: What, you want the fish instead of the chicken?
Cuddy: This room is for patients' families, not for doctors trying to defraud the government.
House: Oh, so… you've decided to take a moral stand.
Cuddy: Yeah. The chapel still has sanctity for some people.
House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.
House: Well, where are we gonna go? We got caterers staging everything downstairs as we speak. We've got floral arrangements, place settings… Other wedding-y stuff.
Cuddy: That's not my problem.
House: I sent out the invitations. People are coming here.
Cuddy: That's also not my problem. (She turns and walks toward the door, calling over her shoulder as she goes) And I want the TV back.
[Cut to Masters entering Danny’s room. She is there to replace his IV bag]
Danny: You should just let me die. The world's better off without me.
Masters: It's normal. People feel depressed when they get bad news… because it's bad news… Obviously.
Danny: I didn't O.D. by accident. I was trying to kill myself.
Danny: 'Cause I've done things… Horrible things. I've hurt people. And when I didn't die, I thought… I thought God forgave me. But he just wanted me to suffer. And I deserve it.
Masters: No, (sitting down on the bed) you don't deserve it.
Danny: I… I had a girlfriend in college… And I almost killed her. I just snapped. And I started hitting her. And if her roommate hadn't come home… I'm evil. I am just like my dad. We're both monsters. I deserve to die.
Danny: I can't… I can't… I feel dizzy.
[He loses consciousness and the monitor starts beeping]
Masters: (calling loudly) I need a crash cart in here!
[Masters performs CPR until the nurses bring the crash cart]
[Cut to Masters leaving Danny’s room. House and the team are gathered at the nurse’s station just outside of the room]
Masters: His heart is dilated and failing.
Chase: And at the rate it's happening, he'll need a new one soon. And there's no way we'll get him on the transplant list.
House: What are we missing?
Taub: Everything. We know nothing about this kid.
Chase: Except that he's gotten worse since we admitted him.
Taub: Most of our patients tend to do that, unless we cure them.
House: Yeah, but why so fast? He had dysosmia for a couple months, never even came here to get it treated. He's just a random burn victim. We get him, boom, he's got tunnel vision, peripheral polyneuropathy, cerebellar ataxia, and now cardiomyopathy. What's different here than, say, living in a filthy state park?
Foreman: You think cleanliness is making him sick?
Chase: Allergic reaction? We treated him with Vicodin, Clozapine, and one I.V. bag of Levodopa.
Taub: His condition started deteriorating before that.
[House sees a kitchen worker wheeling a cart full of meal trays down the hall and gets an idea]
House: Stop that man! (the worker pauses) I need the meal card for the patient in 243. (House hangs his cane on the cart and leafs through the list of Danny’s meals) He's eating healthy… because he can. Most of the meals in here are vegetarian. (He hands the meal record book back to the worker and takes his cane off of the cart) Adult Refsum disease… Fits all the symptoms. His body can't process the phytanic acid and chlorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.
Masters: So if we change his diet…
Chase: We can save his life.
House: Run him through a plasmapheresis treatment to remove the excess phytanic acid from his blood. Confirm with gene testing. Okay, I gotta go get married.
[Cut to Taub as ring bearer at House’s wedding, which is taking place in House’s apartment. The traditional wedding march is being played on the piano as Dominika follows Taub down the hallway toward House. Wilson and Cuddy stand together with about 20 other people as Taub and Dominika reach House and Foreman, who is standing in as Best Man. House does not look at Dominika as she approaches. Chase is performing the ceremony]
Chase: They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So without further ado…
[Chase gives the ring to House, who hands his cane to Foreman. House puts the ring on Dominika’s finger as Chase speaks]
Chase: Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Dominika: I do.
[Cut to Cuddy walking out of the living room and down the hallway]
Chase: And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? (Dominika puts a ring on House’s finger)
[House pauses as he watches Cuddy leave the room]
[The camera view is now from the hallway looking toward the living room. Cuddy stops in the hallway a moment and then goes into House’s bedroom as Chase finishes the ceremony]
Chase: Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[The guests applaud as bride and groom kiss]
Chase: Those of you with cameras, please feel free to provide legal documentation.
[Cameras flash as pictures are taken of the newlyweds. Dominika looks happy, but House’s smile is forced]
[Cut to Wilson entering the bedroom, where Cuddy sits on House’s bed. He sits down beside her]
Cuddy: It's okay. I'm just, angry at myself. I promised I wouldn't let this get to me. But it got to me.
Wilson: Just say the word, and we will climb out that window right now.
Cuddy: I wouldn't give House the satisfaction.
Wilson: You see? Things are getting back to normal.
Cuddy: Yeah… Normal.
[Cut to Masters entering Danny’s room]
Masters: Are you feeling better?
Danny: So all I have to do is eat the right kinds of food, and I'll be okay?
Masters: Basically, yeah. It's pretty limiting, and it is for the rest of your life. But if you follow the diet and get checked up regularly, you should be fine.
Danny: Thank you… for not giving up on me.
Masters: You're not a bad person. You made mistakes, but we all do. Maybe when you get out of here, you can… go talk to someone… A professional.
Danny: Yeah. Yeah, some of those places you suggested had people on staff. You know, I think God really does have a plan for me. And all this… It was just his way of, testing my resolve. And I wouldn't have passed it without you.
Masters: See you tomorrow, Danny.
Danny: (He stops her before she leaves the room) That's not my real name.
Masters: It doesn't matter.
[Cut to House’s apartment. The guests are gone and House is watching an old black and white movie on TV. Dominika drops down on the couch beside him and laughs at the movie he is watching. House just sits there, not reacting at all]
Dominika: I know this is not real marriage… but I really like you.
[House finally turns to look at her]
House: I like you too.
[Dominika puts her hand on his face and kisses him. He puts his hand on her shoulder, then stops and breaks the kiss]
House: I can't.
Dominika: Why not?
House: I never sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch.
[House gets up, and leaves Dominika sitting on the couch, looking confused]
[Cut to the next morning. Masters arrives at the hospital to find a crowd gathered around Danny’s empty hospital room. She spots Foreman standing at the nurse’s station]
Masters: What's going on?
Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out.
[There are FBI investigators searching Danny’s room]
Masters: So you called the FBI?
[Masters approaches Taub and Chase, who are also watching the proceedings taking place in Danny’s room]
Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country.
Masters: Alarm bells for what?
Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in ten different states.
Chase: He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub: And we saved him.
[Masters looks devastated]