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House Transcripts
It's like Clinic Duty for the transcribers
House MD - 7.15 Bombshells 
12th-Mar-2011 11:28 pm
Doc On Duty
Originally Aired: March 7, 2011

Written by: Liz Friedman & Sara Hess
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Open on an alarm clock ringing. It’s 6:30. Cuddy fumbles for it and turns it off. She turns on her back and drapes her arm across the far side of the bed. It’s empty.]

Cuddy: House? House? [She gets out of bed and takes a few steps toward the bathroom, stretching and trying to wake up. A hand comes out from under the bed and grabs her ankle.] Oh! My God! What the hell?

House: Muahahahaaaaahhh [His head pops out from under the bed. He is grinning.] Gotcha.

Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?

House: Set an alarm and everything.

Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old.

House: God, I hope not. [She smiles and joins him on the floor, draping across his chest as they kiss.] Now that we're down here…

Cuddy: Hold that thought. [She gets up.]

House: Seriously?

Cuddy: I have to pee.

House: I'll wait. I brought a book. [He reaches under the bed, pulls out a book and starts to read.] I didn't know what time your alarm was set for.

Cuddy: [from the bathroom] House?

House: You know, you can rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe—

Cuddy: House, shut up. [He shuts up and slides out the other end of the bed so he can see her as she comes to the bathroom door.] There's blood in my urine.

[Title card – no opening credits]

[Cut to a treatment room. Cuddy is on the table in a robe. She’s hugging her knees, which are covered with a sheet. House sits on a stool next to her. Behind her, the doctor and nurse prepare for the procedure.]

Cuddy: You really don't have to be here.

House: You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.

Cuddy: I'm mainly talking about them.

[Foreman, Masters, Taub and Chase are lined up behind House. He turns to look at them.]

House: Well, given that there's almost certainly nothing wrong with you, and my patient definitely has something wrong with him—

Cuddy: That can't wait an hour?

House: 'Fraid not. He's… [House is stumped] Chase.

Chase: 16-year-old male spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. E.R. couldn't find the source in his lungs or GI tract.

House: See? Serious.

Masters: Could be vasculitis, bronchiectasis, inhaled particles.

Taub: What about angiodysplasia?

Urologist: Ready when you are…

Cuddy: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.

House: But it is a good-time adjacent. [to the team] Feed the kid a camera. Check his gut for angiodysplasia.

Urologist: All right. If you could scoot down.

House: [confidentially to the urologist] Hey, I'm, uh, I'm missing a watch. So can you keep your eyes open while—

Cuddy: Okay! You too.

[She waves him to the door.]

[Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub is looking in the camera pill. His distorted face is on the monitor. Ryan's parents, Kay and Todd, are by his bed.]

Taub: This little camera transmits images to the data recorder so we can see if you've got any vascular malformations in your GI tract. [Ryan swallows the pill with some water while Taub listens to his chest.] Your records show you've lost some weight over the past year. Was that intentional?

Ryan: Not really.

Todd: Well, he's been eating less since he quit the swim team.

Ryan: You have to get up early for swim. It wasn't fun anymore.

Taub: I need to talk to your son about sexual activity. Generally, it's less embarrassing for everyone—

Kay: We're leaving.

[Kay and Todd exit.]

Ryan: Actually, I've only—

Taub: How long have you been cutting yourself?

[There are small scabs all over Ryan’s midriff.]

Ryan: Those are from a layback grind that went wrong. Came off my skateboard straight into a fence.

Taub: So… no to cutting but yes to appetite and sleep changes, and you quit something you used to enjoy. How long have you been depressed?

[Cut to a hallway next to the Pathology wing. House is sitting on a bench, twirling his cane. Taub approaches.]

Taub: Imaging showed no sign of upper GI issues. But the kid did admit to being depressed and to smoking pot to take the edge off.

House: You are very pleased with yourself, aren't you?

Taub: His marijuana could be laced with formaldehyde or lead, which could cause a pulmonary hemorrhage which could make him spit up blood. [House waits.] Yes. Yes, I am. I thought it was a good catch.

[A lab tech, holding an envelope, comes out. House stands, takes money from his pocket and trades it for the envelope.]

House: [to Taub] Run a lead level and push 5 liters IV fluid.

[The tech leaves in one direction, House in the other. Taub turns toward where he went and holds out his hand.]

Taub: Feel free to tip your other server.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. House barges in, envelope in hand.]

House: Cystoscopy was clean. Cytopathology was normal.

Cuddy: Why do you have my lab results?

House: [tosses them on the desk] I don't. If I did, I'd know you were fine.

Cuddy: Unless the blood came from my kidneys.

House: Come on. Your hypochondriac mom had a brush with mortality last month, and it's understandable that you're worrying more than usual, worrying that you might turn into her.

Cuddy: You're right. Odds are, this is nothing.

House: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.

[He leaves. She picks up the phone.]

Cuddy: I need to schedule an ultrasound.

[Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub is there.]

Ryan: My dad's head's still in one piece, so I'm guessing you didn't mention the pot. What'd you tell him?

Taub: The truth. You had a… minor chemical exposure, and we can't be 100% sure how it happened.

Ryan: Thanks for covering.

Taub: I know what it's like to be 16.

Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.

Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.

Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.

Taub: In Med School, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done. [checks Ryan’s eyes with a flashlight] You've got red spots in your eyes. They weren't there before.

[Cut to Wilson performing an ultrasound on Cuddy.]

Wilson: You have nice skin.

Cuddy: Thank you. Shut up!

Wilson: Sorry. Just thought it would be rude not to comment.

Cuddy: Just treat me like any other patient.

Wilson: Right. [pause] Are you sucking in your stomach?

Cuddy: No. [yes] Hurry up before I pass out.

[He stares at the monitor.]

Cuddy: Wilson?

Wilson: Ultrasound isn't definitive. We should run other tests before—

Cuddy: Stop talking like a doctor and tell me what you see.

[He turns the monitor to face her.]

Wilson: There's a mass in your kidney.

[Cut to Diagnostics. House is on his laptop during the differential.]

Taub: We still don't know why Ryan coughed blood, and now he's got small hemorrhages in his eyes.

Foreman: Sounds like an acquired coagulopathy, which gives us a pretty wide differential.

Masters: Gets a lot narrower if we factor in his depression.

House: Oh, don't do that!

Masters: Mood swings can be a symptom of physiological illness.

House: I'm not talking to you. [He was talking to the computer.]

Taub: Mood swings are also a symptom of adolescence along with emo music and masturbation. More importantly, his weight loss and sleeping issues started a year ago.

Chase: Infection makes the most sense. He shoots hoops at school, showers in the locker room. I'm thinking staph.

House: Damn!

Masters: You don't think—

House: Not talking to you!

[He closes the computer in annoyance.]

Chase: Everything okay with Cuddy?

House: She's fine. She's just too stupid to accept it. Start him on nafcillin for staph.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s sitting with a man in a suit who is taking notes. House enters.]

Cuddy: All that's in the, uh, First Mutual safety deposit box. The retirement accounts—

House: You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.

Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.

House: [shrill] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [She gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.

Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.

House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.

Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.

House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [He turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.]

Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.

House: Actually, it is.

Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right?

House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Ryan’s room. A large kid is with him. Taub enters.]

Roid Rage: I want my stuff, asshat.

Ryan: I told you, man, I don't have it here.

Taub: Hey… guys. Everything okay?

Roid Rage: On my way out. I'll see you later.

Taub: You wanna… tell me what's going on?

Ryan: My friend gave me some leftover Klonopin he had when he switched his seizure meds. I sold them to Roid Rage for 80 bucks, but I landed in here before I could deliver, and now he's gonna rip my arms off.

Taub: How often do you sell drugs?

Ryan: It was a one-time thing. I needed the cash, I had the pills, so I thought, "why not?" It was a bad idea. The pills are at my house. I could have a friend go get them.

Taub: [takes out his wallet] Give the thug his money back. One time only.

[Cut to Cuddy’s dining room. Julia’s there.]

Cuddy: I mean, if you're okay with this. You have three kids of your own.

Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys…

Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.

Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk.

Cuddy: People change.

[Cut to House’s apartment. It looks brighter. The walls are a pale gray, the door is very white and the furniture isn’t as dark. There’s a knock on the door.]

Wilson: I'll get it.

House: [from the other room] That better be her!

[Wilson, wearing a casual plaid shirt and white chinos answers the door. A policeman and a young girl are standing there. She looks angry.]

Sitcom Studio Audience: Ooh!

Wilson: Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.

Rachel: Don't blame me — he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.

[The sitcom studio audience laughs.]

Cop: [entering with Rachel] Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

[House enters wearing a sports shirt straight fromTwo and a Half Men. He’s holding his cane in one hand and a model airplane in the other. He’s chewing gum and blows a big bubble. The studio audience cheers his entrance.]

House: I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.

Wilson: What's the problem, officer?

Cop: She was shoplifting down at the mall.

Sitcom Studio Audience: Aw!

Cop: Are either of you this girl's father?

House: Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word it won't happen again. [The policeman walks out.] 'Cause next time… [House flips the door closed] she won't get caught!

[The studio audience laughs and cheers. House and Rachel “high five” each other and hug. Wilson leans in to join the hug.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s bedroom as she wakes from the dream. As she regains her orientation, the camera focuses on the pill bottle on her nightstand. It’s 30 Zolpidem 200MG capsules, prescribed for Lisa Cuddy by DR. WILSON, with the instructions “Take one if needed for sleep.” No refills.]

[Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub and Masters are there. Ryan isn’t.]

Taub: It's no big deal.

Masters: Good for you. You could have just assumed he was a drug dealer, but instead you took his word for it. [He stares at her, quizzically.] It's nice to finally see someone have a little faith in humanity around here.

Taub: Why would you do that? Ryan, you okay in there?

Ryan: [coming from the bathroom] I'm not sure. I think I just peed blood.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: Looks like peeing blood is the new black.

Foreman: Peeing blood after a night on antibiotics means we can move on from infections.

Taub: Scoping showed no sign of a bleed in his bladder, which points to a kidney problem.

House: Probably some kinda mass.

Chase: Kidney mass wouldn't explain the coughing blood or the hemorrhages. Antiphospholipid syndrome, on the other hand…

House: Makes sense. But doesn't rule out a mass.

Masters: You think it's cancer?

House: Mass doesn't have to be cancer. Could be renal hematoma.

Masters: But the patient doesn't have any other abdominal trauma.

Chase: He's… not talking about the patient.

Masters: Cuddy has a mass on her kidney?

House: It's probably just a complex cyst or angiomyolipoma.

Foreman: It's a mass, not a mystery. They'll do the biopsy, then you'll have your answer. Just… have to wait.

Taub: Patient admitted to using pot. Who knows what else he's doing. This could be a heroin-induced nephropathy.

Masters: I thought you trusted this kid.

Taub: And then you pointed out how sweet that was.

House: If it were heroin, he'd be going through withdrawal. Antiphospholipid syndrome's a better fit. Start the patient on plasmapheresis.

Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs?

House: Have I ever said no to that question?

[He leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters. Wilson is behind his desk, working.]

House: What are you doing here?

Wilson: Pie-eating contest.

House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.

Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.

House: Three — I hate the smell of death.

Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma—

House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to—

Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it — I don't know — once?

House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.

Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.

House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right.

[Cut to treatment waiting room. Cuddy’s reading. Chase enters.]

Chase: House told me to keep you company. Nurse told me to give you antibiotics.

Cuddy: Tell House I'm fine.

[Chase picks up a magazine from table next to Cuddy and sits across from her.]

Chase: Mm! Tom Cruise got married. [They both smile. They read in silence for a few moments.] Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.

Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.

Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game. [pause] He'll show up eventually.

Cuddy: You don't actually believe that. But I do. All these years, he's never stopped trying to annoy me for more than 15 minutes. And now he can't even walk into the room.

Chase: Love hopes all things.

[Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub and Foreman are checking it out.]

Foreman: What is it with you and this kid?

Taub: He's doggy paddling in a sea of misery. I remember what it's like.

Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory, last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.

Taub; That's when classic Dr. Who comes on the BBC.

Foreman: Yeah. If only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time. I'm just saying… I don't think fixing this kid is gonna fix you. [He answers his ringing cell phone.] Yep? We're on our way back. [to Taub] Our patient lost all feeling in his right arm.

Taub: Look at this.

[He shows Foreman Ryan’s yearbook that he has been flipping through. Every student picture has been violently defaced. There are nooses, scythes, axes and large Xs. One picture has “Should have been aborted” next to it; another “Waste of oxygen.”

[The elevator doors ding open. Cut to House getting off. There’s debris in the hallways. The light is bluish, much of it filtered through drop cloths and scaffolding. It looks like this wing of the hospital is undergoing renovation. House, who is not limping, turns the corner and sees Chase who is facing the other way.]

House: Chase? How'd it go with Cuddy? Chase?

[House touches Chase on the arm. As he turns, it’s apparent that Chase is a zombie.]

Chase: Aah!

[Zombie!Chase roars, picks up House and throws him against the wall. He roars again and tries to leap on House who rolls out of the way. House looks around and sees his cane lying on an overturned paint can. He hits one end with his foot, causing it to flip through the air, into his hands.]

[House is on his back on the floor. He and Chase wrestle, the cane between them, as Chase tries to get close enough for a bite. House uses the cane to throw Chase to the side and he scrambles to his feet while Chase does the same. As they face each other, House holds the cane upside down, in both hands. With a “whoosh-clink” a large ax blade comes out of the cane. With the second swipe, House decapitates Chase who stumbles into a wall and falls down. “Whoosh-clink” and the blade recedes into the cane.]

House: Good thing I brought my ax cane.

Cuddy: [from somewhere nearby] House… help me!

[House steps over Chase’s headless body.]

House: I'm coming!

[He twirls the cane and, from behind his back, he pulls a shotgun barrel that he attaches to his cane. He cocks both barrels.]

Cuddy: House… please!

[Zombie!Taub and Zombie!Masters both limp out of a room, dragging their useless left legs.]

House: It looks like we got company.

[Masters moves first and House hits her with a blast from his cane, throwing her backward through the air. House shoots Taub next. He lands 50 feet back, next to Masters.]

[Weird chortling is heard. House turns to see Zombie!Foreman adjusting his bloody tie. House shoots.]

Foreman: Aah.

[House advances and pumps two more rounds into Foreman before the zombie falls.]

Cuddy: House! [House turns and tries to locate the sound of her voice.] Aah… aah!

[House pushes a sheet that is covering a doorway while ominous music plays. Fortunately the shotgun cane is also a powerful flashlight. He illuminates a gurney in the middle of the room. Cuddy is on the table. Two zombies are between House and Cuddy and one is on the far side. They have already started feeding. The female zombie turns…]

House: [shouting] No!

[Cut to House’s office. He is in his desk chair and he wakes with a start.]

House: Ah…

Masters: Are you okay?

House: I was sleeping. What could go wrong?

[He gets up and limps past her and Chase, into the conference room.]

[Cut to the DDX in the conference room. Again, House is on his laptop the whole time.]

Masters: Patient lost feeling in his arm while on steroids — rules out autoimmune.

Foreman: So what causes bleeding, kidney problems, and unilateral numbness?

House: And a complete absence of any record of Cuddy's kidney biopsy. She must have put it under a false name so I couldn't rush the results.

Chase: What if we had it backwards and it's not a bleeding problem, it's a clotting problem?

House: There's no patient file created in the last two days for anyone having that procedure.

Masters: She backdated the file? That's very clever.

House: Hands off. She's mine.

Foreman: Clots could explain everything including the numbness. We should do an angiogram of his brain, see if we can find it.

[Silence. House is staring at the computer screen and doesn’t even acknowledge that Foreman said anything.]

Chase: House. [House looks at him.] We're worried too.

House: How sweet. I'm not worried. I just wanna get the results so she can stop worrying.

Chase: Okay, but in the meantime—

House: Do an angiogram. You two go to pathology and look at Cuddy's slides.

Masters: You just said you didn't know which sample was hers.

House: I guess you're gonna have to look at them all.

[Cut to the team walking down the hall.]

Chase: Bigger question — what's the deal with Taub? Just because House is too distracted to notice your distraction doesn't mean we didn't.

Taub: Clots, angiograms — I'm focused. The kid scratched out the faces of half his class. You don't think that's a problem?

Foreman: It's not our problem.

Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I violently executed my tenth grade geometry teacher about five different ways in my mind.

Masters: I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement, preferably with acid. [The guys look a little disturbed at how her mind works.] You guys ever think about what you might to do House?

[The elevator arrives as they all realize their minds work the same way. They all get on.]

Foreman: Maybe it's no big deal.

Chase: Unless it is. Someone shot House.

[Cut to a clinic exam room. House has his feet in the stirrups and he’s watching a mini TV. Wilson enters.]

Wilson: What are you doing?

House: Pie-eating contest.

Wilson: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do here is, but then I realized… if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony. You have to be with her.

House: Yeah. I get it. She needs artificial support for an artificial problem. She's fine.
Chase did an excellent job.

Wilson: She doesn't sleep with Chase.

House: We don't know that. [Masters knocks on the open door and enters.] Hey! Eating pie in here.

Wilson: House… I'm not gonna tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't wanna clean up the mess. [He leaves.]

House: He's referring to the pie.

Masters: Fourteen patients with kidney biopsies. I tabulated them against their urinalysis results. Six men, three diabetics, one LCDD, one kid, two seniors, and by default, one… Cuddy. [She waits for the praise that isn’t coming. She approaches him with the file.] Uh… the biopsy was inconclusive. The mass is near the center of her kidney. They couldn't get a readable sample.

House: Means they'll have to remove the mass to know if it's cancer or not.

Masters: The file says they're doing some imaging now, give the surgeon a better idea of what he's dealing with.

[Cut to Foreman’s apartment. He comes home and hears the sound of Savagescape 2, the videogame from Epic Fail, coming from the living room.]

House: [calling from the living room] Can we order pizza? There's nothing in the fridge. At least not anymore. What's happening with the patient?

[Foreman takes his boss breaking into his home to play video games in stride. He puts his briefcase down and takes off his coat.]

Foreman: Angio showed a clot in a branch of his middle cerebral artery. Started him on streptokinase to break it up. Although… maybe we should have just played a few rounds of Savagescape 2: The Revenge, because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.

House: You keep talking like Wilson, your face will freeze like that.

Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being in the room is worse. [House can’t look at him. Foreman joins him on the couch and picks up a controller.] When she breaks up with you… you're playing by yourself.

[Cut to a black & white, 1950s sitcom. The picture is squarer than that of modern TV shows and there’s black matting on either side of the screen. Cuddy opens the back door of a “typical” suburban home. The brick wall outside has ivy on it. Cuddy is dressed like a 1950s businesswoman, in a black suit, a small, matching hat, white gloves and a string of pearls.]

Cuddy: Honey, I'm home.

[House is leaning over the oven. He’s wearing black plus a flowered apron and a big smile.]

House: Just in time. Pot roast is ready.

[She comes over to give him a peck on the cheek. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, drawing.]

Cuddy: Smells wonderful!

House: I cured all my patients, so I came home to spend time with Rachel.

Cuddy: And how was your day today?

Rachel: It was great, Ma! I got 100% on my spelling test and 170 on my LSATs!

Cuddy: Your LSATs? You're eight years old.

House: We've been studying together. [Fake aside, out of the corner of his mouth to Rachel] It was supposed to be a surprise.

Cuddy: Well, that's wonderful. [She pats Rachel on the head as she goes to put her briefcase down.]

House: I think Rachel deserves a treat. [He pulls a lollipop out of his apron pocket.]

Rachel: No, thanks, Daddy. It might spoil my appetite.

[House smiles and eats the lollipop himself. There’s a knock at the door.]

Cuddy: Well, who could that be?

[A smiling Wilson, wearing a milkman/Good Humor man uniform is at the door. He’s carrying a cake with nine, already lit, candles.]

Wilson: Delivery for you, Mrs. House. Happy 29th birthday.

Cuddy: I'm not 29! [House walks over to take the cake from Wilson.] You're not limping. This isn't possible. None of this is possible.

House: Girl can dream.

[There’s banging on the door which wakes up Cuddy where she has fallen asleep on her couch. She catches her breath while the knocking continues, quieter. She answers the door. Wilson is there with a large envelope.]

Cuddy: You run out of sugar?

Wilson: Got your scans back from today.

[She takes the envelope and removes the scan. Even with the limited lighting on her doorstep at night, she sees something that concerns her.]

[Cut to Foreman’s living room. House’s cell phone rings and he answers.]

House: Yeah. [Foreman sees the look on his face and stops shooting video monsters.] Okay. [He hangs up.]

Foreman: What's going on?

House: Imaging shows enhancing masses across multiple lobes of Cuddy's lungs.

Foreman: That's what kidney cancer looks like when it metastasizes.

House: She's dead.

[Cut to a jerky video. Ryan is outside, talking to the camera.]

Ryan: What's up, losers? I hope you're enjoying being alive. Today's lesson: natural selection. Excellent system. Made us who we are today. But then we invented seat belts and grocery stores, things that keep idiots and weaklings alive. [He drops to the ground, his chest resting on a capped PVC tube about the size of a can of tennis balls.]

Ryan: And let's be honest. Most of you don't really deserve it. [He gets to his knees. His face is out of frame as he lights the long wick on the pipe bomb.]

Ryan: Here's to the natural order. [He has thrown the bomb into a small group of trees a ways behind him. It explodes, loudly.] Yes! Whoo!

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Foreman, Chase and Taub are watching the video on the laptop. Taub turns it off.]

Taub: Copied from his flash drive. Do I go to the cops?

Chase: Yes. "Officer, I'd like to report an assault. The victim was a pile of leaves."

Taub: It goes on. He talks about bombing his school.

Foreman: Which you know because you stole his flash drive and broke into his house. How's that gonna play?

Masters: [enters] Ryan's not responding to streptokinase. We don't have very long before the damage becomes irreversible.

Chase: So we either up his dosage or go into his head and get the clot out. Where's House?

Foreman: Hopefully with Cuddy. She did just get some pretty awful news.

Masters: I called her. She doesn't know where he is either.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. Foreman enters.]

Foreman: Have you seen House?

Wilson: No. [He looks up from his computer for a moment then returns to work.]

Foreman: He left my place last night after you called. No one's seen him today. Any idea where he'd be?

Wilson: No.

Foreman: And you're not… worried about that? He's not good with bad news.

Wilson: Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing.

Foreman: Okay…

Wilson: She still believes he'll show up. He'll either get over himself and be who she needs him to be or he won't. [He goes back to typing.]

[Cut to the hall outside Ryan’s room. Taub is talking to Kay and Todd.]

Taub: We'd like to do an embolectomy. We'll run a corkscrew-shaped instrument into Ryan's brain and pull the clot out.

[They look understandably upset but nod at each other.]

Kay: Okay. Have you talked to him about it?

Taub: Yes. But I wanted to see you alone. I saw some videos that Ryan made a few weeks ago. He's blowing up pipe bombs and threatening people in his school.

Kay: Oh, God!

Todd: He was probably just messing around. Our son wouldn't hurt anybody.

Taub: I'm not so sure.

Kay: I know this looks bad, but Ryan's a good kid. He's had a rough couple years since he started high school, but I really think he'll come out of it.

Taub: He needs help.

Todd: Maybe he does, but if this gets out, he'll be suspended, maybe expelled. How about you focus on keeping him alive?

[Cut to Taub and Masters watching the surgery from the observation area.]

Masters: What are you gonna do?

Taub: What do you think I should do?

Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.

Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.

Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.

Taub: So I should call the cops.

Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively—

Taub: You suck at this.

Masters: [near tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician.

[Cut to the OR. Chase is assisting Foreman.]

Foreman: Give me a little more dye.

Chase: There's the clot. [The clot, visible on the monitor, disappears.] It just disintegrated when you touched it.

Foreman: What was that thing?

[Cut to Bolivia, 1908. The image has a slight sepia tone despite the bright sunlight and it’s letterboxed. There are montage shots of soldiers, lining up behind walls and on the roofs, cocking their guns, waiting to kill Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Inside one of the buildings, House and Cuddy are reloading their guns and talking. They are both injured.]

House: I got a great idea where we should go.

Cuddy: I don't want to hear it.

House: You're gonna love it. Australia's Finest. There's a great karaoke bar in Newark—

Cuddy: I hate karaoke.

House: They got every — every song by every Aussie artist. Midnight Oil, Men at Work, Olivia Newton John.

Cuddy: I do a mean version of Physical.

House: And the barbecue shrimp is amazing.

Cuddy: What about the fries?

House: Hot and salty and delicious. [He pulls a candy bar out of his pocket and starts to eat it. She stares at it.] Talking about food made me hungry.

Cuddy: You had candy in my other dreams.

House: Means you're stressed at work. All dream symbols mean you're stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.

Cuddy: No. I was hoping… [She puts his gun in his hand] you'd figure out a way to handle all this. Maybe you can't because you're still a child.

House: I can do better. [They push themselves to stand, leaning against the wall.]

Cuddy: Might be too late.

[She takes a deep breath. They look at each other and head out the door, guns blazing. Outside, Cuddy shoots to her right, then her left. She turns to her left.]

Cuddy: House!

[He isn’t there.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s room as she wakes up. It’s the middle of the night.]

Cuddy: Ah…

[She turns and sees House framed in the doorway. He walks to the bed.]

House: I should have been here. Sorry.

[She holds out her hand. He clasps it.]

Cuddy: I knew you'd come.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Taub: What was that thing, and why did it just dissolve in the middle of surgery?

Foreman: Why is his liver shutting down? That thing in his brain goes away, the kid slips into a coma.

Masters: We started him on lactulose, but at the rate his liver function is declining, he'll be dead in a day. Should we page House?

Chase: He's busy.

[Insert of House sitting next to Cuddy as she signs some papers. Once she’s done, they clasp hands again.]

Masters: House can't do anything for her now. We need him! By his own logic—

Chase: [ignoring her] Patient's blood tests were negative for barbiturates or acetaminophen. He's not on a high protein diet.

[Cut to House standing by Cuddy’s bed in the OR prep-room. He leans down to kiss her before she is wheeled off.]

Chase: [voice over] House couldn't concentrate on the case before she was dying. You think he's gonna get in the game now?

House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.

Cuddy: Make it two.

House: Bitch.

[Cuddy smiles broadly.]

[Cut to Diagnostics. The team has obviously been going over the possibilities for a while. They look exhausted.]

Masters: A.I.P. can cause uremia, tank the liver.

Chase: It causes abdominal cramping, not abdominal bleeding.

Masters: Oh, because fucosidosis was such a brilliant idea?

Taub: Guys!

[Insert of Cuddy turning on her side before receiving anesthesia. She looks up and sees House in the observation area, watching her.]

Chase: Type 2 citrullinemia fits.

Masters: There are no signs of hyperlipidemia or pancreatitis.

Taub: Those can take years to emerge.

Foreman: Closest we've gotten. Start him on IV sodium benzoate to reduce the ammonia levels in his blood. Run a genetic test for citrullinemia.

[The others leave.]

[Cut to Cuddy. The anesthesia mask is put over her mouth and nose. In the observation room, House glowers down. He goes out of focus until the screen is black.]

House:
♪ ♫ Forget your troubles
♪♫ Forget your troubles

The black has streaks of red in it.
House:
♪♫ Forget your troubles come on, get happy

There’s a red band around the Mad Hatter type top hat House is wearing. He tilts his face up toward the camera. He’s wearing a jacket and a huge, floppy, red bow tie.

He taps his fingers on the head of his cane. He’s wearing fingerless, white gloves but the fingers look like they were sawed or ripped off. He’s wearing many silver rings including three that cover the entire middle finger of his right hand. His cufflinks and the buttons on his white vest/waistcoat are skulls.
House:
♪♫ You better chase all your cares away

House is sitting at the bottom of a white staircase. The lights come up as he leans back. On his left lapel he’s wearing a huge caduceus pin.
House:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

He opens his right hand, palm facing the camera, in an almost nonchalant gesture.
House:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment day

He swings his hand down until it rests on his leg, holding his right thigh, as always.

Two nurses are stretched out on the stairs above him. They’re wearing short, white robes with red at the neckline and white leggings with red bands around the top. They also have lots of red eye makeup on.

Three masked surgeons, in white, sleeveless scrubs, are standing on the stairs. The bright red drawstrings on their pants look like splashes of blood. They have the same fingerless gloves as House and canes that they use to slowly point forward and then to the ground.

Close up of Cuddy’s eye opening.
House:
♪♫ The sun is shining, come on, get happy

House is so brightly lit from behind that he’s hard to see. He tosses his cane, which is almost glowing, to his left hand. He holds it at arm’s length.
House:
♪♫ The lord is waiting to take your hand

The two nurses are working their way down the stairs. They’re seated the whole time and push off the step behind them with their arms. Their left feet go down to the next stair while they do high kicks with their right legs. On the next step it’s reversed, with the left leg swinging up.

Behind them the surgeons dance down the staircase using lots of shoulder action. Their canes are debonair props as if they were in an old musical likeThe Band Wagon.

House gestures as if he were doffing a plumed hat.
House:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

The shot behind House widens. There are 3 nurses sit-kicking down the stairs in front of the surgeons and two behind them.
House:
♪♫ We're goin' to the promised…

House walks down the stairs in tempo with the dancers. He winks.
House:
♪♫ …land

He thumps his cane on the floor. A flock of white doves flies up behind him as he switches the cane to his left hand, spreading his arm wide, and removes his hat with his right.
Chorus:
♪♫ We're heading across the river, wash your sins in the tide

The floor is covered with thick fog. Three people are curled up on it. They wear long, dark red surgical robes. Their masks and caps, also red, cover their entire faces. Large, silver caduceus pins are at their collars in the center of their backs. They curl to the floor then up on their knees, arms open wide. The have even larger caduceus pins on the fronts of their gowns.

Two of the red figures and two surgeons, who aren’t wearing shirts, wheel in Cuddy, lying on her gurney. They are next to it, on it and hanging from it as they whirl her in a circle.

Behind her a few of the red figures look like supplicants, rising from the fog. The walls of the room have large, artistic medical drawings – anatomy, scans, etc. In the center, behind Cuddy, is the staircase which stretches to infinity. House stands at the bottom.
Chorus:
♪♫ It's all so peaceful on the other side

House walks with her as the kneeling, red figures gesture and point to “the other side.”
Chorus:
♪♫ On the other side

House takes aim with his cane and shoots. Glass, perhaps the camera lens, shatters. The mood changes from funereal to upbeat.
House:
♪♫ Forget your troubles, come on, get happy

The nurses do a Charleston-like dance as House approaches Cuddy’s gurney
House:
♪♫ You better chase all your cares away

He waves his hand past his face with a wiggle of his fingers
House:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

He holds his cane in both hands and keeps time with it
House:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment day

He tucks his cane under his arm, removes his hat and throws it aside. His hair is slicked down.
House:
♪♫ Forget your troubles, come on, get happy

A megaphone appears in his hand. He rocks back and forth as he sings into it. He’s standing on the end of the gurney, singing to Cuddy.
House:
♪♫ You better chase all your cares away

Chorus:
♪♫ Chase all your cares away

House:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

Several of the white-clad dancers hold the gurney in place, dancing from the waist up, as House rocks from side to side and the gurney rocks with him.
House:
♪♫ Get ready

The mood shifts again as a calliope joins the music. Some of the nurses leap into frame.
House:
♪♫ For the judgment…

Cuddy sits up, twice.
House:
♪♫ …day

The chorus starts to spin the gurney with House and Cuddy on it. White swirls appear, joined by red ones. They spin like a pinwheel. Cuddy sits up. She and House sit on the edge of the gurney watching the carnival atmosphere in front of them. The music has completely changed to match the look.

Nurses with megaphones line the sides. A surgeon and several nurses following him ride tricycles toward House and Cuddy. There are large balloons in the air. The back wall has red and white stripes in an enormous fan pattern.
Chorus: [spoken]
Get happy. Get ready.
House: [spoken]
Get ready.

House whispers into Cuddy’s ear. He lifts a gold lorgnette to watch the action better.
House: [spoken]
Get happy. Get happy.

A magician’s bouquet of flowers appears in his hand. Cuddy is smiling broadly.
Chorus: [spoken]
Get ready, get ready.

House is with the cavorting chorus. He leaps in the air.

He is seated next to Cuddy, talking in her ear again. She laughs joyfully, throwing her head back.
House: [spoken]
Get ready!

House is seated next to Cuddy again.
Cuddy: [whispers]
Get ready. Get happy.

White light washes everything out. With a couple of chords, the mood becomes more somber again. Cuddy is seated on the gurney. She’s wearing a white satin gown and white opera gloves. A satin sheet is across her chest, hiding the bottom of the deep v-neck which is edged with rhinestones. It’s impossible to tell where the sheet leaves off and the skirt begins but it is enormous. It almost covers the entire surface and drapes nearly to the floor. There are four Klieg lights behind her.

House is at a baby grand, playing slow, gentle chords. The nurses are in a pile on the floor in front of him.
Cuddy:
♪♫ Forget your troubles, come on, get happy

Cuddy is on her side on the floor, propped up on her left elbow. She reaches forward with her free arm.
House:
♪♫ You better chase your cares away

Playing the piano.
Cuddy:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

She rolls on the floor. One of the nurses is standing between her and the camera. She reaches in the other direction.
House:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment day

.
Cuddy:
♪♫ The sun is shining, come on, get happy

She arches off the floor. Surgeons on the gurney adjust the klieg lights. House’s cane is now a giant candy cane. He slashes it through the air dramatically.

The chorus joins in from this point on, singing loudly. They may or may not be singing the words – only House and Cuddy’s voices can be clearly heard.
House:
♪♫ The lord is waiting to take your hand

Cuddy takes hold of the top of the cane.
Cuddy:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy

House backs up, sweeping Cuddy across the floor with him. She stands and embraces him. One of the dancers, in a long white skirt and a surgical mask that covers his face, spins. Two of the nurses, behind him, are holding klieg lights facing up. In the background, the number of lights behind the gurney has multiplied.
House:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment day

House dips Cuddy. As he rights her, he holds the candy cane aloft in one hand.
Cuddy:
♪♫ Forget your troubles, come on, get happy

Nurses are spinning around the lamp poles. Cuddy holds onto the cane, which House uses to spin her.
Chorus:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment day

Cuddy:
♪♫ Shout hallelujah come on, get happy

House leads Cuddy to the stairs, using the cane. They run up the stairs. Nurses lean over the gurney in a circle. House looks up from between them.
Chorus:
♪♫ Get ready for the judgment
♪♫ Ready for the judgment
♪♫ Ready for the judgment
♪♫ Ready for the judgment

Cuddy catches up with House on the stairs. He stops. She looks at him. The nurses are over the gurney again then House is standing behind it. Cuddy smiles, happily, then races ahead up the stairs. Images of House and the chorus continue to speed past.
Chorus:
♪♫ Ready for the—

With a gasp, Cuddy wakes and sits up on the gurney. She’s alone in the room which is totally empty and black except for the stretcher in the center and the light shining brightly on her.

[Cut to Cuddy’s room. She wakes from the anesthesia and moves her lip slightly, testing for whether it tastes and feels like the Sahara in her mouth. She turns and sees House sitting there, reading a journal.]

Cuddy: Hm.

House: Hi.

Cuddy: Hi.

House: [puts down the journal] Guess who doesn't have cancer? Me. Also you. Actually, you for sure. Me…

Cuddy: House.

House: Your tumor was benign. An oncocytoma. They cut it out. You'll be fine.

Cuddy: Then what was in my lungs?

House: Once they ruled out cancer, I remembered that your mom was allergic to antibiotics. So I had them test your blood, and your IGE levels were through the roof. Because the lung masses were an allergic reaction. So now you're off the antibiotics, your lungs should clear right up. [she smiles] I brought you something. [He fishes a small, clear jar from his pocket.] Say hello to your tumor.

[He holds it in front of her face. Cuddy pushes his hand away.]

Cuddy: Ugh! Wait. [She takes it and studies it intently.] There are so many things that I could be afraid of, and most of the time, I manage to… lock them up behind doors. But this happens… all those doors just burst open. [House gets a far-away look.] You just figured something out about your patient, didn't you? [Her smile is both indulgent and proud.] Go. Do what you do.

[Cut to Ryan’s room. The Taub, Masters, Kay and Todd are there. Ryan is unconscious. House enters.]

House: Take him off the meds. He's got a staph infection.

Kay: You treated him for staph three days ago. It didn't work.

House: Bacteria already in his system responded. But once a door's been busted open, more just keep coming.

Masters: Oh! He's talking about an abscess.

Taub: I got that.

House: For the cheap seats, an abscess is a gooey little cream puff of infection. Probably burst when your little pride and homicidal joy took a hard foul.

Taub: It's good news.

Masters: If we can find the door.

Taub: I think I know where it is. [He goes to Ryan’s side and opens his gown, revealing the scabs.] What if… these aren't from skateboarding? [The video of Ryan grinning as his bomb explodes behind him shows, followed by CGI of the abscess at work.] The kid has been blowing up PVC pipe bombs. If he got hit by shrapnel, the body walls off the foreign object, which, because it's plastic, doesn't show up on imaging and provides a perfect home for bacteria. Antibiotics attacked the infection, causing pieces to break off. Some hit the liver. One lodged in his brain and dissolved when Foreman touched it. [Cut to O.R. Chase picks out a piece of shrapnel with a tweezers and puts in a cup held by a nurse.] Once we drain the abscess and remove the shrapnel, the antibiotics can do their job. He'll be fine.

[Cut to the hallway outside Ryan’s room. Kay and Todd are inside, talking to their recovering son. Taub and Masters watch from outside.]

Masters: Which just leaves… what are you gonna do now?

[Cut to Cuddy’s living room. Julia enters with a tray. Cuddy is lying on the couch, reading.]

Julia: All right. I put the rest of the soup in the freezer so you'll have some for later.

[Cuddy sits up and Julia sits next to her.]

Cuddy: Thanks for everything.

Julia: Yeah.

[Cuddy reaches for the soup.]

Julia: Here you go.

Cuddy: I got it.

Julia: Okay.

Cuddy: Are you gonna tell mom?

Julia: So she can show up here to take care of you by harassing the housekeeper and criticizing your bathrobe? Yeah. I think I'm gonna wait a few years. Oh, and I moved your sleeping pills back in the medicine cabinet because I just worry. Rachel always calls them candy.

[Cuddy freezes as she thinks.]

[Cut to House opening his door, smiling.]

Cuddy: You took Vicodin. [House’s face falls. He looks guilty and terrified.] When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.

House: [also ashamed. He can’t look her in the eyes.] How did you know?

Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.

House: It was a one-time thing.

Cuddy: It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.

House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.

Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain — drugs, sarcasm… Keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.

House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?

Cuddy: [sad] Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that.

House: I ca–I came to be with you.

Cuddy: But you weren't with me, not really.

House: I wanted to be.

Cuddy: That's not enough.

House: [imploring] I can do better.

Cuddy: I don't think you can. [They stare at each other.] You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again, because that's just who you are. I'm sorry.

[His faces, as he realizes what she’s saying is gut-wrenching. She reaches up and strokes his cheek.]

House: No. No, no, no. Don't. Don't.

Cuddy: I thought I could do this.

House: Don't. Please don't.

Cuddy: Good-bye, House.

[She leaves. He stands there, devastated.]

[Cut to a manila envelope addressed to
Trenton Police
1901 Westfield Place
Princeton, NJ 08543]

[Taub is standing next to a mailbox on the street. He waits a moment and drops the envelope in and walks away.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s dining room. She’s sitting in a chair, sobbing while Julia listens and offers sympathy.]

[Cut to an amber pill bottle, prescription #61754998. What’s readable is…
House, Gr…
134 Municipal Drive
Take 1 capsule by
Mouth for pain as
Not to exceed

HYDROCODONE

Qty: 30
No Refills]

[House pops the top off and tips two pills into his right hand. He is sitting on his bathroom floor. He stares at the pills, then at the doorway, but Cuddy doesn’t come to stop him this time. He dry swallows the pills.]

Comments 
14th-Mar-2011 07:36 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
For the record, anyone taking that amount of zolpidem should be admitted....
17th-Mar-2011 07:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
21st-Mar-2011 08:05 am (UTC)
Many thanks! ;))
23rd-Mar-2011 08:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! :-)
13th-Apr-2011 12:24 pm (UTC) - Loved Bonbshells
Ok, we know the 200 mg Zolpidem prescription was not accurate - they often do that on the show. If you pay close attention to the written prescriptions, they're rarely accurate. It's not a medical education we're getting here, it's a drama... I think the whole point of writing the part in about Cuddy being on the 200 mg Zolpidem was to serve as a reference to the Under My Skin episode where House was the one showing overt signs of illness, and Wilson wrote him the scrip for 200 mg Zolpidem. In that episode, House was the sick one. Bombshells was full of references to other TV shows, westerns, horror flicks and comedies, and they pulled one more trick out of their hats and included a reference to one of their own past episodes. By the way, did you catch the movie they were referring to in the zombie sequence? It was Zombieland, with Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg. House played Woody Harrelson's part.
18th-Jan-2012 08:13 am (UTC)
Check his got for angiodysplasia --> gut
Taub is looking in the camera pill. His distorted face is on the monitor. His parents, Kay and Todd, are by his bed --> Taub's parents??
coagulapathy --> coagulopathy

Edited at 2012-01-18 08:21 am (UTC)
20th-Jan-2012 03:38 am (UTC)
I dread having to edit this one. The coding for the song was complicated. Doing it as a table was the only way I could find to make it readable. As a result, I have two Word documents on it -- one coded, one not.

Anyway, fixed.
14th-Aug-2012 10:04 am (UTC)
Anonymous
The push themselves to stand --> They push themselves to stand
The curl to the floor --> They curl to the floor
27th-Aug-2012 07:05 am (UTC)
fixed them.
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