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House MD - 7.10 Carrot or Stick

Originally Aired: January 24, 2011



Written by: David Hoselton

Directed by: Greg Yaitanes



Transcribed by: MarionS


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[At the Challenge Training Camp, a program for juvenile offenders, a group of teenage boys are running an obstacle course in the pouring rain. But one African-American boy, Landon Parks, struggles to keep up, even as the drill instructor, Driscoll, screams at him. (“No love lost” by LCD Soundsystem playing in the background).]

Driscoll [screaming] : Move it! Faster! Push! Quit slacking!

Landon : I'm not slacking.

Driscoll : Is that how you talk to your drill instructor?

Landon : Sir, I'm not slacking.

Driscoll : You stand up. You look me in the eye!

Landon : I feel lousy. I can't.

Driscoll : "Can't" doesn't exist here! Now, you finish this course, or you're in isolation the rest of the day, you hear me? [Addressing another kid] MacDonald, you ready to make Parks eat your dust?

MacDonald: Sir, yes, sir!

Driscoll : Ready, go!

[MacDonald dives under ropes and crawls in the mud.]

Driscoll [to Landon] : Are your ears malfunctioning? I said go! Go! Go! [Landon finally crawls in the mud.] Get down! Get down! Belly down! Belly down. Move it! Get up on there. [Landon is now pulling himself across a horizontal ladder] You've gotta push. Move it. Don't you dare fall. Grab the bars. Grab there! Move it! Move it! Knees up. Knees up! [Landon is running through tires] Move! Move! Find the wall! Hit that wall! Hit that wall! Move it. Get up on there. [Landon faces the final wall, grabs a rope and tries to climb it] Don't you fall on me. Faster! Move it!

[Landon falls off the wall and hits his head.]

Driscoll : What's the matter, Parks? You got a boo boo?

Landon : Sir, I'm bleeding, sir.

Driscoll : Is your life in immediate danger?

Landon : No.

Driscoll : Then you get your ass up over that wall! I said get your ass over that—aaah! Aah…

[Driscoll falls on his knees and screams in pain.]

Landon : What's going on?

Driscoll : My back hurts. I can't move. Help. Help. I can't get up.

[Landon slowly gets up.]

Landon : "Can't" doesn't exist here. [He walks away.]

Driscoll : Get—aaaaaah! [Driscoll collapses into the dirt.]

[Opening credits]

[Cut to Diagnostic room. Taub is looking at the computer screen. We can’t see it. Masters and Foreman are standing behind him.]

Masters : We should not be looking at this.

Taub : He sent out an alert. It would be rude not to look. Though I am straining my eyes.

[Chase enters the room.]

Chase : What are we checking out?

Foreman [smiles] : Your profile page.

[Chase joins them and leans in to look at the screen.]

Chase : Why? I haven't—[He seems shocked.] That… is not me.

Taub : That is you.

Chase : [Pointing at the screen] That's me, but that [He points at another part of the screen.] is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller.

Foreman : Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone is—

Chase : is not in that picture. My proof is right here. [He puts his hands on his belt, ready to unbuckle it.] You really want to see it?

Foreman : Oh, whoa. Convinced. You have any idea who did this?

[Taub gets up to let Chase sit down in front of the computer.]

Chase : I don't even know where the original picture is from.

Taub : The bathroom at the Carlton Hotel. The towel. Hotel logo's reversed. Shot must have been taken in the mirror.

Foreman : We were there for Sanford Wells' wedding.

Masters : That must narrow it down.

[Chase looks mortified at the image on the screen.]

Foreman : He slept with three women there.

Masters : Oh, you're a whore!

[House can be heard singing. Chase clicks quickly to, supposedly, close the page on the screen. House enters. He is wearing his coat and has his backpack on his shoulder. He has the files for the case in his hand and puts them on the table while getting rid of his bag and coat. Each member of the team grabs a file and sits down at the table. House sits down.]

House : 38-year-old former marine came into the E.R. with back pain. Now his bladder aches as much as his back because he can't empty it. What are we looking at this morning? Up-skirt celebrity? Endearingly funny cat?

Chase : Another study about gays being better parents. We were lured in by the word "lesbian." Has he taken any antihistamines or anticholinergics?

House : Nope. And the E.R. ruled out enlarged prostate, stopped colon, and spinal injury.

Masters [going through the file] : Military history — In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?

House : Fascinating.

Masters [smiles]: Thanks. We can wean him off—

House : Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little — I'm guessing too little.

Masters : It's hardly surprising you agree with our patient's philosophy. You run your department like a boot camp. As if cruelty ensures performance.

House : [long pause] Oh, is this where I'm supposed to disagree with you?

Chase : The diagnosis of urinary retention depends on the particular mechanical cause. We need to know if there's a blockage in the urethra versus a nerve or a muscle problem with the bladder.

House : Fascinating… without misdirect. Cath him and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. [He gets up to leave but stops at the door.] Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what is probably normal-sized equipment, it's too cruel, even for me.

[The rest of the team gets up, quietly laughing. Chase is still on his chair, embarrassed.]

[Cut to the cafeteria. House enters. He is carrying a coffee cup. Cuddy is eating breakfast at a table.]

House : Good morning. [Rachel gets up and surprises him, with a huge smile on her face.] And what brings the lesser Cuddy to these parts?

[He sits down beside Cuddy, in front of Rachel.]

Cuddy: Pediatrician appointment for an s-h-o-t. Waldenwood insists vaccination reports go in with the application. [To Rachel.] Honey, finish your oatmeal.

[Rachel is eating with the back of her spoon.]

House: Waldenwood. Is that by any chance a boarding school? Or a work camp?

Cuddy: It's our first-choice preschool.

House: Blocks made of gold… Kids don't have to pick their own noses…

Cuddy: Great facilities and teachers. And they're known for their gifted program.

[House’s eyes widen.]

House: You sure that's the right place for her? Sounds a little snobby.

Cuddy: I've done my research. We visited. It's a perfect fit.

[Rachel puts her spoon in her bowl and flips it over, spilling her oatmeal on the table. Cuddy takes the bowl and puts it back to normal, smiling as if nothing wrong had just happened. House seems bothered.]

[Cut to a hospital room. Foreman is catheterizing Driscoll, which seems to be a painful process. Masters is also there.]

Foreman : You'll feel pressure. I need you to tell us when the urge to void becomes unbearable.

Driscoll : Mm-hmm.

Foreman : Sorry, can't make you feel better till we make you feel worse.

Driscoll : I get it. Goes for what I do too.

Masters : We cause pain when it's the only option.

Driscoll : The kids I work with at the camp are there because a judge sent them. I can't teach them good behaviors without first getting rid of all their bad ones. That's not gonna happen unless I push them.

Masters : I don't see why metaphorical pushing has to involve actual pushing.

Driscoll : I may work these kids hard, but I never hit them.

Masters [unconvinced] : You march them into the ground instead of knocking them there.

Driscoll : Yeah, well, it beats the alternatives, which is ending up in jail or in a gang or… a coffin.

Foreman : How often do you pull that off?

Driscoll : Two-thirds never re-offend. That's better numbers than juvie.

[Masters doesn’t quite know what to respond to that.]

Foreman : She's brilliant, but new to the real world.

Driscoll : Yeah. Hey Doc, I gotta go.

Foreman : Let's empty you out. Take this urine to Taub. Have him screen it for bacteria. I'll analyze this data.

[Cut to the lab. Masters and Taub are running tests on Driscoll’s urine sample. Chase enters.]

Chase : Half hour on the phone, no go. Website won't take down the picture.

Taub : I thought their policy doesn't allow nude photos. Now tap the tube gently against the table to re-suspend the cells.

[Chase sits down in front of a computer and connects to “Faceplace.” On his profile page, we can finally see the picture they have all been talking about. It’s a naked Chase with a teeny tiny black square where his penis should be!]

Chase : They don't. Technically… I'm no longer nude.

Masters : Maybe you should shut down your account.

Chase : I tried, but whoever did this changed my password, so I can't even prove it's my page. [He has his head in one hand.]

Masters : Well, there's a clue. She's got serious text skills.

Chase : My password was "password."

[Both Taub and Masters turn around to face Chase.]

Masters : You're a dumb whore.

Taub : Do any of the three seem like a more likely suspect? Maybe one was clingier?

Chase : I don't even remember their names.

Taub : Listen, this is a tough time for me. Breaking up with Rachel, moving into a hotel. I want you to know how much your humiliation has eased my burden. [He has a big grin on his face.]

[Cut to the hallway. Masters, Taub and Chase meet up with Foreman.]

Taub : Urine is clean for bacteria.

Foreman : Not surprising, since his bladder tests show that his pain problem is really a nerve problem. Neurogenic bladder.

Chase : Could mean spinal cord tumor, cerebral palsy.

Foreman : House is gonna go right for syphilis.

[They start walking.]

Masters : How can he be so sure?

Taub : Rare complication of an embarrassing illness. It's practically a House special.

Foreman : I want to get ahead. Let's go test his blood for syphilis.

[They split. Masters and Foreman go one way, Taub and Chase another one.]

[Cut to Driscoll’s room. Masters prepares Driscoll’s arm to take a blood sample.]

Masters : Okay, I'm gonna take some blood. This will only hurt for a second. Ready?

[Suddenly, the officer grabs Masters by the neck with one hand and starts choking her.]

Driscoll : Stop it! Stop trying to kill me.

[Driscoll is now standing up still holding Masters, Foreman runs to them and tries to stop him.]

Foreman : Hey, let her go.

Driscoll : That girl was trying to kill me!

Foreman : Let her go. Security, get some help in here!

Driscoll [delusional] : Let me go. Let me go!

[A security guard rushes into the room and helps Foreman restrain Driscoll. Masters is in a corner, coughing and massaging her neck.]

[Cut to Diagnostic room. Taub is checking Masters’ neck. Foreman, Chase and House are at the table.]

House : She's fine. How 'bout we get back to someone who isn't?

Foreman [massaging his arm] : The patient's in restraints and on Haldol, which seems to have made him lucid.

House : Differential diagnosis. Back pain, neurogenic bladder, psychosis.

Masters: A symptom which we learned about when he choked me. Hate to slow us down by acknowledging it.

House : And yet you have. Tertiary syphilis fits.

Foreman : The tests came back negative. Several meds could cause those symptoms. Tricyclic antidepressants, ritalin.

Masters : Also other native plants. Wormwood, jimson weed.

Chase : The amount of jimson weed or ritalin he'd have to ingest, seems like he would have mentioned it.

Masters : Unless he didn't know about it. Maybe one of those kids at the camp got tired of Driscoll's lessons and poisoned him.

House : Go to the camp. Check for potential poisons. [The guys leave the room. House stops Masters before she does too.]

House : I all but ignored your assault, showed you no compassion whatsoever, but you came up with a good idea. Score one for tough love.

[She leaves the room without a comment. House seems pleased.]

[Cut to the cafeteria. Chase is in line with Sanford Wells, the chairman of the hospital board.]

Wells : Glad to hear you met someone you like. Weddings are good for that.

Chase : I was hoping to get in touch. The thing is, I'm a bit fuzzy on names. Sorry. Open bar. She was sitting at Dr. Simpson's table. Brunette, purple dress, low-cut.

Wells [thrilled] : That's my niece, Winn Phillips. [He takes out his phone and looks at it.]

Chase : Your niece? [He tries to play it off.] Fantastic!

Wells : Her info is in your email. [He manipulates his phone and finally puts it back in his pocket.]

Chase [nervously] : Also, there was a blonde. Green dress.

Wells : You want me to hook you up with two women?

Chase : Actually, three.

[Wells doesn’t look so thrilled anymore!]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. He is reading a file when House enters.]

House : How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?

Wilson : Sorry, not playing.

[He gets up, grabs his lab coat and leaves his office. House follows him.]

Wilson : Go away, House. [putting on the coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.

House : But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.

Wilson : And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

House : Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.

Wilson : Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

House : Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.

[House turns around and walks away as he just got an idea.]

Wilson : Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

House [Turning back to Wilson] : Thanks for the advice!

[Cut to the disciplinary camp. Foreman and Masters are walking along the wall that delimitates the camp.]

Masters : That's the isolation area. Kids who've behaved badly go there, sometimes 23 hours a day.

Foreman : Sound like a pretty good incentive to behave.

Masters : Yeah, by treating the symptom instead of the disease. Basic systems theory. Troubled kids are produced by troubled families. This place doesn't even attempt to change the environment that damaged them in the first place.

Foreman : So there are no bad kids, only bad parents? Then why is my brother an ex-con?

Masters : Treating kids decently doesn't mean identically. Some kids need more structure or discipline. Nobody needs this place.

Foreman : Maybe we're coming at this wrong. We find a poisoner, and let them point us toward the poison.

Masters : Driscoll's got 24 kids in his troop. You want to interview all of them?

Foreman : Maybe we don't need to.

[Cut to a room inside the camp. MacDonald is mopping the floor while Landon is answering Foreman and Masters’ questions.]

Landon : Driscoll sent me to isolation all the time. It doesn't mean I poisoned him. He's the psycho, not me. Tell 'em.

MacDonald : D.I. Driscoll's way harder on him than the rest of us.

Foreman : Maybe because he's a bigger pain in the ass. What are you in here for?

Landon : Shoplifting.

Foreman : You ready to upgrade to second-degree murder? Spend ten years in jail? If he dies because of whatever you gave him, that's what'll happen.

Landon : That supposed to scare me? My mom's dead, my dad's never been around. And after this, I'll get bounced to another foster home. My future's not exactly bright. Prison now or later doesn't make that much of a difference to me.

MacDonald : Dude, I'm not mopping the whole floor by myself.

Foreman [To MacDonald] : Your eyes are red. Might be an allergic reaction to the cleaning solution.

MacDonald : It's just my allergies.

Masters : Do you take anything for them?

MacDonald : Not right now.

Foreman : Why not?

[MacDonald looks at him but doesn’t respond. He goes back to cleaning the room with Landon.]

[Back at the hospital, cut to Driscoll’s room. Foreman is hooking up an IV for Driscoll.]

Foreman : These IV fluids will help flush the drugs out of your system.

Driscoll : You know which of the kids dosed me?

Masters : It's not medically relevant.

Driscoll : Look, I'm not gonna hurt him. But I get why you're scared of me. I'm real sorry about this morning.

Masters : No apology necessary. You're ill. You didn't know what you were doing.

Driscoll : I used to be a real screw-up. The military taught me that actions always have consequences. Part of being a man is accepting them. And after all the times I've said that to the kids, an apology is necessary.

[Masters nods, accepting his apology. Suddenly, Driscoll seems to have problems breathing.]

Masters [concerned] : Are you okay?

Driscoll : My heart's kinda racing.

Foreman : I got it. Heart rate is 170. P.A.T. until proven otherwise, we've gotta slow it down. Six milligrams adenosine, IV bolus. Tell the nurse to get in here with the crash cart.

[Cut to the Diagnostic room, the team is gathered around the table, talking to House via the phone.]

Foreman : Pushing fluid sent his heart into overdrive. It took three doses of adenosine to get it under control.

House [via phone] : Treating him for antihistamine toxicity revealed a new symptom, which revealed that he didn't have antihistamine toxicity in the first place.

[Chase gets a call on vibrate. He takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at it.]

Foreman : House, where are you?

[Cut to a playground where children are playing. House is talking on his phone while looking around.]

House : Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.

[Back to the Diagnostic room.]

Taub : Tachycardia could be a humoral effect — mastocytosis.

Masters : We'd see other GI or cutaneous symptoms. Pancreatic insulinoma.

Chase : It would cause bladder problems, unlike pheochromocytoma.

[Back to the playground.]

House : Well done, Chase. Now, turn off your phone.

[Back to the Diagnostic room.]

Chase : You heard that? It's on vibrate.

House [on the phone] : I'm assuming it's been ringing almost nonstop since you changed your status update to "nothing lights my fire like a lady of size — less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number.

[Everyone but Chase is cracking up. He gets up, horrified, and runs to the computer to log on his page.]

Taub : No, no, no, you're right. This is in no way clever and hysterical.

[Back to the playground, House is actually at Waldenwood Preschool. He enters the building.]

House : Before you start rolling anyone in flour, work the patient out for a pheo. Adrenaline pituitary scans, 24-hour urine collection.

[Cut to the playroom, House is accompanied by a teacher. He puts on gloves.]

Teacher : How soon after the admissions session did the child get sick?

House : The kid barely got home before she collapsed. Her parents are a wreck. Desperate for answers. Have you experienced any symptoms, or does someone else oversee these sessions?

Teacher : The teachers supervise. No one's mentioned feeling sick. I'd love to call the family and offer my support.

House : Sorry, I can't reveal names. Doctor-patient confidentiality. So this is where all the admissions play dates happen? She wouldn't have been in another room?

Teacher : This is where we have them all. Maybe, to be safe, we get rid of these toys.

House : No, no, no, don't do that. I'll tell you if anything's toxic. For now, you should minimize your exposure.

[He puts on a mask; the teacher covers her mouth with her jacket and leaves the room. As soon as she is gone, House starts taking pictures of everything: toys, blocks, games…]

[Cut to the scan room. Masters is sitting in front of the computer, monitoring Driscoll. Foreman is standing beside her.]

Masters : I'm supposed to be supervised.

Foreman : The scan is pre-programmed. There's no risk to the patient. You're literally gonna sit here, watch the monitor, and chat with him if he gets lonely.

Masters : Uh… still.

Foreman : Report me.

[Foreman walks away. Masters looks uncomfortable but finally gathers her nerves to talk with Driscoll. His face can be seen on the computer screen.]

Masters : How you doing in there?

Driscoll : You shouldn't bother trying to protect Landon. I know he's the one who drugged me.

Masters : The antihistamines aren't what got you sick.

Driscoll : Doesn't change the fact that he did it. I tried everything with that kid. I just… can't break through.

Masters : It's clear you care about him. Have you tried telling him that?

Driscoll : You gotta understand something. These kids, they're all manipulators. As much as I care about all of them, I can't—I can't show them that unless there's some mutual respect. Otherwise…

Masters : Forget those other kids. Think about this kid. He watched his mother get sick and die. He's never known his dad. Who knows how long it's been since anyone's taken care of him, or if there's ever been a man around with any degree of consistency? I believe that you're on his side. I'm betting it would help if he did.

[Cut to a hospital room. Chase has attached a wall-sized version of his naked picture and asks Taub for his help to find any more clues.]

Taub : You are a beautiful man. Can I leave now?

Chase : I know where all three women are, but I'd like to avoid the additional humiliation of falsely accusing any of them. You I.D.’d the hotel off this. I'm hoping there's another clue in there somewhere.

Taub : We could enhance the image. Maybe her face is reflected in that gleam off your butt cheek. Or maybe it's time to chalk this up to the hazards of being a player.

Chase : Your zipper problems just blew up your marriage.

Taub : Don't move. [As he is talking, he steps back to take pictures of Chase next to his picture, with his phone, in different angles.] Unlike me, you've had the decency not to cheat on anyone, but you haven't been giving much thought to who these women are, how they might feel. Obviously, you hurt one of them. Emotionally, you hurt her, because physically, how would you even know? [He wiggles his little finger to indicate Chase’s supposed lack of size.]

[Taub studies the pictures and shows Chase one of them.]

Taub : Looks like your shorty is a shorty.

[Cut to Cuddy’s house. There’s a knock on the front door. Cuddy, holding Rachel’s hand, goes to open it. She is surprised to see House.]

Cuddy : You're early. Dinner's not ready.

House [feigns surprise] : Oh… okay. Rachel and I will go play in her room.

Cuddy [really surprised] : Really?

House : I'm hungry. Go cook.

[He takes Rachel’s hand and they both walk down to her bedroom. Cuddy heads for the kitchen.]

[Cut to Rachel’s room, Rachel sits down on the floor to play with blocks. House closes the door, opens the window and tips his cane out to reach a bag he’s stashed in the bushes.

House : All right, you little lump of clay…

[He takes a toy out of the bag. It turns out that he bought a duplicate of a toy from the preschool.]

House : Rachel. Rachel… It's a new toy. What kid doesn't like new toys? [He sits down beside her.] A moron, that's who. Okay, look at the pretty colors. Now, what color is this? [He holds up a yellow piece.] Hmm?

[Rachel is obviously more interested in playing with her own blocks. She picks an orange one and holds it up to House.]

Rachel : Orange!

House : Yes, that is orange. What color is this?

[Rachel puts her orange block on top of the tower she is making.]

House : Okay, blocks going away.

[Impatient, House knocks over her block set and sweeps them aside.]

House : Bye-bye blocks.

[Rachel looks a bit upset.]

House : Next time, reinforce the levees. Bad Corps of Army Engineers. Bad! What's this?

[He sets up the ring game.]

House : Oh! Rings! Look at the rings. Now, the goal of this game is…

[Rachel takes one of the rings and puts it in her mouth.]

House [frustrated] : To not kill you.

[Cut to Winn Philips’ apartment. Chase is visiting the first of the three women who could have taken the picture. He enters her apartment and she closes the door behind him.]

Winn : Why are you here? Wait, did you give me an STD?

Chase : No, I did not. Don't deflect. That picture was taken by someone your height. Just take it down.

Winn : What picture?

Chase : Fine. Play it that way. [He takes his phone out of his pocket and hands it to her so she can take a look at the picture. He turns around to face the living room. It looks like a little girl’s bedroom; everything is pink and decorated with kittens and stuffed animals.] So, uh… you really like kittens, huh?

Winn : Yeah. You said you did too. No wonder you're pissed. 'Cause that is not you. [She gives him his phone back] And I didn't take it. Did you mean my height with heels or without?

Chase : You weren't wearing heels when we were in that room—[He realizes his mistake] Oh, yes, you were.

Winn : I started to take them off, and then you asked me very nicely not to. Why would I do this? I mean, I'm not mad about what happened with us. Or apparently with you and any other woman at that wedding.

Chase : Sorry, I guess my forensic analysis wasn't as advanced as I thought.

[He is about to leave but she stops him.]

Winn : Wait. You know, you don't have to rush off. I still have those heels…

[Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is here. Chase looks lost in his thoughts as he is explaining what happened to him.]

Chase : Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.

Taub : How did you get out of there?

Chase : I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.

Taub : One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.

[House enters the room and puts his backpack on a chair.]

Masters : We checked his adrenal, pituitary, and thyroid glands. Monitored his catecholamines. It's not a pheo.

Foreman : We had to put him on a diltiazem drip to regulate his heart.

House : That means he's running out of time. [Pointing at Masters] It means you are too. Your campaign to soften him up so he would go easier on the kids… All in a pointless attempt to validate your own upbringing.

[Suddenly, all the team’s pagers go off.]

House : Another cardiac arrhythmia?

Masters : Not our patient. It's the ER.

[Cut to the ER. Foreman and Masters are listening to the nurse as she leads them to her newest patient.]

Nurse : That patient House admitted with back pain and urinary retention… How do you feel about a matched set?

[The patient is Landon, suffering from the same symptoms Driscoll has.]

[Cut to Driscoll’s room, he now shares it with Landon. Taub is by Landon’s bed.]

Taub : We need to track your common exposures. What shampoo do you use?

Landon : Whatever crap the camp gives us.

Driscoll : Same here.

Taub : We need things exclusive to you, but not the rest of the camp. Otherwise, a lot more people would be sick. Toothpaste, deodorant.

Landon : Can't be deodorant making him sick. He doesn't wear any.
Smells like a—

Driscoll : Park, shut your mouth.

Landon [getting angry] : You're not my drill instructor in here, okay?

Driscoll : Doesn't mean you get to be disrespectful.

Landon : I can do whatever the hell I want. You're not in charge.

[Cut to the Diagnostic room. The differential continues as House plays with toy horses, cows and pigs on the table. He arranges them in all sorts of ambiguous positions! House seems amused by what he is doing.]

Foreman : There's gotta be a link. Diet, sexual history, drug abuse.

Taub : No. Believe me, I asked. Those were some fun conversations.

House : Do you believe the answers?

Taub : I know the answer to that is always supposed to be no, but I did. Not like the kid has had much unsupervised time lately.

[A delivery man enters the room with flowers.]

Florist : Delivery for Dr. Robert Chase.

House : That's me.

[House quickly gets up, signs the form and takes the flowers. Chase doesn’t really know how to react.]

Masters : The camp is in the woods. There are tons of opportunities for infection that not every person will pick up. Legionellosis from water, toxoplasmosis from dirt, brucellosis from animals.

House : Too bad none of those explain his symptoms.

[He holds up the thank-you note that was with the flowers and reads it aloud.]

House : "Casey and Sanford Wells thank me for my extraordinarily generous donation to their wedding charity.”

Masters : Aww.

Chase : Oh, God. [looking defeated] She must have gotten access to my credit card.

[Chase gets up and runs to the computer, grabbing the flowers and the note from House’s hands on his way.]

Taub : Nocardia fits. Bacteria lives in the dirt. They both—

House : Nocardia starts in the lungs, not the bladder.

Chase : How generous is extraordinarily generous?

Masters : Call the charity. Explain the donation's a fraud.

Foreman : And take back Wells' wedding gift? You are extraordinarily screwed. Bushes can make a happy hunting ground for ticks, Lyme disease.

Masters : Neither of our patients have a rash or tick bite.

Foreman : 40% of Lyme patients don't develop a rash, and a bite is easy to miss.

House : Start him on doxycycline for lyme.

Chase : $2,500?

House : Cancel your credit card, find that girl, and marry her.

[The rest of the team approves! Chase turns off the computer and rushes out of the room.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. Masters gives Driscoll medication. He has the remote control for the TV and keeps changing the channel.]

Landon : Go back. That was Jersey Shore.

Driscoll : I'm not watching that crap.

[Masters approaches Landon with his medication.]

Landon : No, let him be your Guinea pig. You can dose me after you're sure you're right.

Masters : The side effects are fairly limited. And it would be better to treat you before you develop any more symptoms.

Landon : I want to wait.

Masters [patiently] : I'm not your drill instructor. Not trying to break you. My only job is to make you better. I truly believe this medicine is our best shot. But whether or not you take it is up to you.

[Landon gives in and takes the medication.]

Masters : Is there anything else I can do for you?

Landon [politely] : Another pillow would be cool, if you don't mind.

Driscoll : Hey. Your turn to pick.

[Pleased with what he just saw, Driscoll throws the remote to Landon to choose the TV channel. He switches it back to Jersey Shore.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. Wilson enters to find House lying on the floor watching Rachel play. He turned the office into a miniature version of the Waldenwood playroom.]

House : Ready, set, feed the monkey!

[Rachel is supposed to pick up small bananas and put them into a toy monkey. She seems to have trouble doing it. House is watching her.]

Wilson : Well, this isn't weird at all.

House : She's got the fine motor skills of The Hulk in oven mitts. Do you want a doodle? [He grabs a bag of Cheese Doodles to bribe her.] Do you? Feed the monkey. Cuddy puts her to bed at 7:30, which cuts way into our training time. Play date's on Friday.

[Rachel finally puts the play food in the monkey’s mouth like she is supposed to. House presses something in his hand that makes a strange clicking noise, then reaches for the doodles.]

Wilson : What is that?

[He puts a doodle in a cup, Rachel takes it and eats it.]

House : Dog training clicker. Gives immediate positive reinforcement, bridging the precious seconds between desired behavior and treat delivery.

Wilson : House, she's not a dog. [Rachel does it again, House presses the clicker one more time.] It really seems to be working. [Rachel eats a doodle.] Does Cuddy know that Rachel's here, and that you're turning her into a schnauzer?

House : I told Marina that Rachel and I are working on a secret art project for mommy. Which means that some Peds patient is about to be short one art project.

Wilson : The sacrifices we make for our children's education.

[House pets Rachel on the head like a dog!]

House : Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?

[Cut to a suburban house. Chase is outside with a young woman, Mackenzie, the second one on his list of suspects.]

Chase : It had to be you. I gave you my credit card to pay for drinks.

Mackenzie : And I gave it back. I didn't take the picture. Now go away.

Chase : Well, forgive me if I'm not convinced. You're obviously pissed at me.

Mackenzie : Because I thought we totally had a connection. And then when you didn't ask me for my number, I—

Chase : A connection? [He laughs] It was a threesome!

Mackenzie : Yeah, but you were obviously more into me than you were into Nika.

Man voice coming from inside the house : Kenzie, honey, you have a phone call.

Mackenzie : [to the voice] Just a minute, dad. [To Chase] I didn't want to say anything in front of her, but you could have.

Chase [quite shocked] : You live with your parents?

Mackenzie : Just until graduation.

Chase [worried] : College? How old are you?

Mackenzie : 18… next month. [Chase is totally shocked!] Relax, it's not illegal or anything.

Chase : Look, I just need this to stop.

Mackenzie : Would you give it up already? I told you, it's not me. My parents won't even let me on social networking sites. Too many sexual predators.

[She goes back into her house, leaving Chase outside.]

[Cut to the hospital. Landon is trying to sneak out.]

Driscoll : Stop him!

Foreman : Hey, hey. Where you going? Hey, you're sick. You need to be in the hospital.

[Foreman grabs Landon’s arms and doesn’t let go.]

Landon : There's a million hospitals. Ones that won't send me back to that camp!

Masters : Landon, what's going on?

[Masters is watching the scene. A security guard helps Foreman. A set of car keys falls from Landon’s pocket. Foreman picks it up.]

Landon : Please, help me. Don't send me back.

Masters [surprised] : Those are my car keys. You stole them out of my pocket?

Foreman : No bad kids, huh?

[Suddenly, Driscoll can be heard screaming, all monitors are beeping. Masters and Foreman run to his room. Driscoll obviously tried to stand up but he is now in a lot of pain.]

Driscoll : Did you stop Landon?

Foreman : Yeah, yeah. What's wrong?

Driscoll : Oh, my legs, they hurt. The muscles are in a vise.

Masters : What does it mean?

Foreman : I'm not sure yet. Ten Diazepam. 40 potassium.

[Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is sitting at the main table. House is working at the smaller desk by the computer. He is painting hot sauce on a caterpillar toy.]

Foreman : The leg pain was caused by a muscle cramp from low sodium, which was caused by kidney dysfunction.

Masters : Landon didn't respond to doxycycline either. I think we can rule out Lyme. I thought I was getting through to him, and he just wanted to steal my car keys. [She is upset.]

House : If only his previous behavior had given you a reason to expect that.

Taub : Why are you putting hot sauce on a toy?

House : Maybe you don't care if children chew on your caterpillar. I think it's wrong. What causes kidney dysfunction on top of everything else?

Masters : Arsenic poisoning. And people do change. Driscoll took it to heart when I asked him to think about Landon's history. He was much nicer, and then—

House : Wow, two ideas that don't make any sense. If it was arsenic, they'd be puking and pooping. And conversations with moralizing strangers do not make people change their behavior.

[He licks the caterpillar and winces from the taste. It looks like his plan is working!]

House : Rachel is not gonna do that more than once! [He licks it again.]

Chase : Whipple's could affect the brain, kidneys, heart.

Masters : Not without G.I. involvement. Why is it impossible to believe I made a compelling argument, and he—

House : If he changed, it's because something besides you made that argument compelling.

Taub : Compromised kidneys secondary to bladder issues points to botulism toxin, which lives in soil. Got into the kid's bloodstream through the cut on his forehead. Got into the drill instructor’s through some abrasions on his feet.

House : Good idea. Give 'em both the antitoxin.

[The team leaves.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. Masters puts on gloves and adds medication to Landon’s IV.]

Landon : I saw my chance to get out of here. I had to take it.

Masters : Don't make excuses. You tried to steal from me.

Driscoll : Oh, these kids are manipulators. You can't let your guard down.

Landon : What do you mean "all these kids"? Don't lump me in with the losers at that camp.

Masters : Seems like you belong there. It may be your only chance.

Landon : Look, I've screwed up, but I've never been in trouble with the law.

Masters [surprised] : You said you were in for shoplifting.

Landon : Store owner caught me trying to boost some chips and stuff. Called my DCS caseworker.

Masters : [To Driscoll] I thought all the kids were there under court order.

Driscoll : That's usually how it works.

Masters : So why is he different?

[Apparently, Driscoll doesn’t have the answer…]

Nika : Why would I take a naked picture of you? You're cute, but you're not that cute. Now please go.

[Cut to an apartment. Chase is down to his last possibility : Nika.]

Chase : You're the only one left. You're pissed off.

Nika : I'm pissed off because you're in my apartment, and my boyfriend might be here any minute.

Chase : Boyfriend.

Nika : Last thing I want to do is publicize that I cheated on him, so why would I prank you?

Chase : And where was this boyfriend at the wedding?

Nika : Out of town.

Chase [not believing her] : Conveniently.

[She shows him a framed picture. We can see two women. One of them is Nika and a guy is kissing her on the mouth.]

Nika : It's from my sister's birthday last month. And before you suggest he's my brother, note how I'm kissing him. You used me, I used you. It was a mistake. Now I just want to forget about it.

[Cut to House’s office. He is packing his stuff, ready to leave. Masters enters.]

Masters : I just got off the phone with Landon's DCS caseworker. You were right. I'm not what made my argument compelling.

[Cut to the patients’ room. House enters, followed by Masters and a male nurse. These two wheel Landon out of the room leaving House alone with Driscoll.]

Landon : Where are we going?

Masters : To give your bladder an antibiotic wash to protect against infection.

[House sits down beside Driscoll’s bed.]

Driscoll : Who are you?

House : I'm Dr. House. And that boy is the spitting image of his mother. Of course, I've never seen her, but his care worker told my lackey that you paid his enrollment fee at the camp. That could mean that you're a family friend, but then, why hide it? The only person who'd want to hide it… is his deadbeat dad, who has decided not to be a deadbeat anymore.

Driscoll : Please, don't tell him.

[Cut to the Diagnostic room, the next day. The entire team is there.]

House : We spend days looking for a link between them, and he doesn't tell us the kid is his son.

Masters : We were looking for exposures. He didn't think it was medically relevant.

Taub : Soon, he won't have to worry about his kid finding out. Being dead makes keeping secrets much easier. Neither one was responding to botulism treatment, and the boy started having seizures.

Foreman : And Driscoll might have been right that their biological relationship doesn't matter. Genetic illness emerges when people are the same age, not during the same week.

Chase : Unless there's a trigger. Genetic conditions can be set off by things in the surroundings, and these two obviously share surroundings.

Masters : That's a relatively rare phenomenon. Which is our specialty, I know.

Chase : Our patients are related. That can't be a coincidence. [He stands up as he suddenly seems to have an epiphany about his own situation.] I just had an idea.

House : Relevant to our case?

Chase : No.

House : Sit.

[Chase sits down.]

House : Wegener's can be brought on by exposure to heavy metals. Did you see anything at the camp?

Masters : Near the isolation hut, there were some old generator batteries. Could have leaked into the soil?

Taub : Seems like someone else in the camp would have had lead poisoning.

House : You got anything better? Treat with cyclophosphamide. [to Chase] Go find your bliss. [Chase leaves.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a play date. [He leaves.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. Landon is asleep. Masters is dealing with Driscoll’s IV.]

Masters [with a quiet voice] : Why didn't you step forward when his mom died?

Driscoll : I found out she'd passed months later. By then, Landon was already in the foster system. I was figuring out a way to approach him when he got into trouble, so I-I brought him to the camp.

Masters : You need to tell him.

Driscoll : I can't. Not now. If I die, the only thing I'll ever be to him is the hardass who made him run obstacle courses.

Masters : You'll apologize to me for something done in a psychotic state, but you won't own up to being his father. What happened to "actions have consequences, a man accepts them"?

Driscoll : I'm in his life, and I am working to get him on the right path.

Masters : He doesn't need a drill instructor. He needs a dad.

[Cut to the preschool lobby. House and Cuddy are waiting. House is wearing a baseball cap.]

Cuddy : It's so sweet of you coming to this.

House : Just trying to be supportive. I've heard that's what boyfriends do.

[The kids come out. Rachel runs to Cuddy and holds her hands.]

Cuddy : Hi, honey. Hi. Did you have fun? [Rachel nods, a big smile on her face.] Yeah?

[When the teacher House met earlier comes in the room, he tips the lid of his cap down to hide himself. Another teacher approaches House and Cuddy.]

Teacher : Rachel had a great time. Played with everything. She's a very clever girl. [She gets closer to them.] I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some problems with parents coaching kids. Rachel caught onto our toys unusually quickly, and she even knew the game was called "Feed the Monkey."

Cuddy [somewhat offended] : Uh, well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you I would never do that. Hey, Rachel, have you ever played "Feed the Monkey" before?

[Rachel takes her time to answer. She looks up supposedly at House then back at Cuddy.]

Rachel : No, mama.

[House smiles.]

[Cut to the clinic. House is in an exam room cleaning a man’s leg wound.]

House [“proud”!] : She seemed so dumb, but when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done, and she did it.

Man : You're pumped 'cause your kid lied?

House : She's not my kid. She's a pain in the ass. And she's a better liar than you are. You didn't cut your leg getting into your truck. The abrasion has dirt and gravel in it. [He leans forward to smell the wound.] A bit of fertilizer too.

Man : Tripped in my greenhouse. Growing my own organic veggies.

House : Didn't ask. Not gonna tell. [He clearly doesn’t care and is still psyched about Rachel.] She didn't hesitate. She didn't oversell. Took me years to learn how to lie like that. And Rachel has it on instinct.

Man : Sounds like you're real fond of that kid.

House : You're really not good with nuance, are you? [He tries to deny the obvious.] I admire her talent. I'm just gonna numb you up… [He suddenly has an idea.] I gotta go. [He leaves the room.]

[Cut to the patients’ room. House enters, Masters is already there.]

Masters : Latest kidney function test shows no improvement.

House : Nice stitches. Do they hurt?

Landon : No. They gave me a shot of something.

House : That was Lidocaine. It triggered an underlying genetic condition called variegate porphyria.

Masters : That would explain their symptoms.

Driscoll : But I didn't have any Lidocaine.

House : But you had a handful of antihistamines, courtesy of the deviant in the next bed. It's also a porphyria trigger.

Landon : Wait, so we have the same genetic thing?

House : Yeah… small world. [He gives a meaningful look at Driscoll and heads out.]

Masters : This is good news. We can manage the condition with hematin. A liver transplant could cure it.

Driscoll : Sometimes two patients share one donated liver. Would that work for us?

Masters : Possibly. We'd have to test your blood, tissue type. And if they matched—

Landon : Why would they? Just because we have the same thing making us sick…

Driscoll : Also… I'm your father.

Landon [surprised] : I don't believe you.

House : You don't think a white guy can be a bad father? Happy to check your DNA. Do you really think he'd say he's your dad if he isn't? It's not like you're a catch. [He leaves.]

[Cut to an office. Chase has finally tracked down the woman responsible for pranking him: Nika’s sister.]

Chase : You're evil.

Ali [surprised to see him there] : Barely recognize you with your clothes on.

Chase : You were at the wedding with your sister.

Ali : Shared a room with her too. I came by to change my shoes, and… I found you in the bathroom. It took you long enough to find me.

Chase [not amused] : Because when someone starts pranking you, the logical suspect is the overly protective sister of the woman you slept with once.

Ali : This has nothing to do with my sister.

Chase : Then what does it have to do with?

[She laughs.]

Ali : If you really have no clue, then you so deserve this.

Chase : All that creativity and energy you put into pranking me… It seems like you were trying to make a point. You really don't want to tell me what it was?

Ali : You're a really big fan of John Hughes movies. You inexplicably prefer Some Kind of Wonderful to Sixteen Candles, though that's probably because…

Chase [finally starts to remember] : Mary Stuart Masterson looked hot in those leather gloves. We talked at the reception. That's why you hate me? [He is confused.] It was fun!

Ali : It was great… until I mentioned that I don't sleep with guys on the first date. And then you said you had to go to the bathroom, and you never came back. Actions have consequences.

Chase : Do you seek vengeance on every guy who acts like an ass? Could be a full-time job.

Ali [smiling] : When we were talking, you seemed like a nice guy. So either you're a great actor, or you're a nice guy who lost his way. Whatever the reasons, a little negative reinforcement seemed to be warranted. Oh, currently, your password is "great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."

[She leaves but he stops her.]

Chase : Hey, I'm-I'm sorry. Let me prove it to you by taking you out to dinner. Followed by not sleeping with you. [She laughs.] I'm serious.

Ali : Not on your life.

[In the background, the song “Falling Dove” by Crowded House is playing.]

[Cut to the patients’ room.]

[Driscoll turns on his side to face Landon but Landon refuses to meet his eyes.]

Driscoll : We need to talk.

Landon : Nothin' to say.

Driscoll : Okay. I'll wait till you're ready. You're my son. I'm not going anywhere.

[Cut to Rachel’s room. She is playing on the floor with her blocks. Cuddy is with her.]

Cuddy : Wait a minute. What is that? [She has a dog puppet on her finger.]

Rachel : A doggy!

Cuddy : What does it say?

Rachel : Ruff!

Cuddy : That's right.

[House enters the room and sits down on the floor beside Cuddy.]

Cuddy : Waldenwood called. They love Rachel, but they have no room. Something about more siblings than usual. We should apply next year.

House [looking a bit disappointed] : She's a smart kid. She'll be fine.

Cuddy : You mean that?

House [reassuring her] : Yeah, I do.

[Rachel leaves her blocks and crawls up into House’s lap. First caught off guard, he doesn’t really react and seems uncomfortable. He looks at Cuddy and finally gives in; he puts his hand on Rachel’s back. Cuddy contemplates the lovely scene.]

The End

Tags: season 7
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