Written by: Sara Hess
Directed by: Miguel Sapochnik
Transcribed by: vicpei (vicpei)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
(The scene opens on a crowded underground platform. Jack, a man in his mid-thirties, is walking through the crowd with his daughter.)
Daisy : What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal?
Jack : What's that, baby?
Daisy : What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal?
Jack : Um, seals tell the truth, but a sea lion's always lyin'?
Daisy : A sea lion has ears.
Jack : Yeah, that's right. I forgot.
Daisy : I'll show you when we get to the zoo. Can we have pizza tonight?
Jack : I'm not gonna be here, Daisy. I'm-I'm going back on the road, remember?
Daisy : You've only been here for two days.
Jack : I'll be back in three weeks this time.
Woman : Somebody help her!
(A young woman has fallen on the track and is lying on her back. She is seizing.)
Man : She's having a seizure!
Man #2 : On the track?
Man #3 : Yeah, there's a lady down there.
(Jack looks around him, and jumps down the track. He takes a few cautious steps, then goes check on the woman. We can see and hear the train coming.)
Daisy : Daddy, come back! Daddy!
Jack : Hey. Lady, are you okay? Come on, come on, hey, wake up! Come on! Get up! Hey! Come on. (The train is coming quickly. Jack realizes he won't be able to bring the woman up fast enough. The crowd screams.) Help me! Somebody help me! Come on!
Man (holding his hand out) : Hurry up! Hurry up!
(The train conductor sees people on the track and hits the emergency button. The train begins to brake, but too late.)
Jack : Aah! (he lies down on the woman. The train rolls over them and stops. The alarm starts sounding. People are crying on the platform.)
Daisy : Daddy!
Woman (pounding on the train's door) : Move the train! Move the train! (Other people start pounding.)
(The train moves slowly, revealing Jack still lying on the woman. As people cry on the platform, his hand moves. He slowly gets up and looks around.)
Man : Hey, man, are you okay?
Jack : Yeah, I think so.
(The crowd starts to cheer and applaud. Jack helps the woman up. She seems okay. He reads her medical ID bracelet and hugs her.)
Jack : She's epileptic. Come on, let's get you up. You got her?
Man : Yeah, we got her.
Jack : Hey, sweetie, I'm okay.
Daisy : Daddy? (He faints and falls on the railway.)
(Cut to House entering the Diagnostics office. Masters is standing in front of the table, the guys are sitting. House goes straight to the coffee machine.)
Masters (cheerful, giving each team member a file, with their name on a post-it. Chase and Taub throw the post-it away with disgusted looks): I found this case, uh, in the E.R. — white male, mid 30s, loss of consciousness, abnormal EKG. And he's the subway hero. (She chuckles. The guys look defeated.)
House (very unimpressed, pouring himself coffee) : Your enthusiasm is impressive. Wish I could say the same about your presentation. Everybody knows you lead with your most interesting symptom.
Masters : You're right. EKG is more interesting than loss of consciousness, so—
House : God, she's still talking. Make it stop.
Chase (in a patient tone): House's worldview doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice. He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise.
Masters : The guy did a wonderful thing. Can't we just take that at face value? (House sits at the table. Masters gives him a file with his name on a post it, too.)
House: You are adorable. Heroism does exist.
Masters : What about the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson?
House: News flash — that guy was already on the plane. For all we know, he would have killed everyone else on board if it increased his chances. Faced with almost certain death, a normal person rides the pine.
Masters : What about firefighters?
House: The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation?
Taub : And the patient isn't a firefighter. He plays a bass in a band.
Masters : So humanity is apathetic and self-serving?
House : Yeah.
Taub : I was mugged once. When I saw the gun, my legs went out.
Chase : I always thought it was fight or flight. Didn't know it was fight or flight or faint. (He laughs.)
Taub : Laugh all you want. The other hundred people stayed on that platform. That's a normal response to danger.
House : The coward has spoken. (Taub raises his closed fist.) Our patient's problem is neurological. Sympathetic stimulation — stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart. Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system.
(Cut to Jack's room. We see a huge bouquet, with a card saying ”Jack! You're a hero!” and a smiley. Hospital employees are standing in front of the glass wall, taking pictures with their phones.)
Chase : Seems like you're getting a bit of attention.
Jack : Everyone keeps going out of their way asking me if I need anything. It's kind of nice. (He waves at them.)
Masters : So what happened out there?
Jack : I don't really remember. It's just images, like flashes. I kind of went on autopilot. My memory doesn't go back into real time until I was in the ambulance. (A young woman, looking upset, walks quickly to the room.)
Masters : I read that's pretty common for people in life-or-death situations.
Eva : Jack.
Jack : Honey. Uh, this is my wife, Eva.
Eva : Are you okay?
Jack : Yeah, I'm fine. They're just doing some tests. How's Daisy?
Eva : She's not so good, actually. She watched her father jump in front of a train. Ugh. She's still shaking. She can't stop crying. Why would you do that to her?
Masters : He saved a woman's life.
Eva : He could have died. Did you even think about your family?
(Cut to Cuddy's office. Cuddy is sitting at her desk and working on her laptop. House is pacing in front of her.)
House : I need your advice. Dinner with your mom on Thursday.
Cuddy (she frowns and closes her laptop.): It's my birthday.
House (still pacing and gesturing a lot) : I know. I'm definitely coming, but Wilson's got tickets to the Hong Kong film festival. Ever since his breakup, he's been a mess. I haven't been able to tell him that I'm not going, so maybe if you happen to see him, you could mention how important this is. (He stops and waits intently.)
Cuddy (shakes her head and sighs) : You should go.
House : What? I can't. It's your birthday.
Cuddy (rather reluctantly) : Oh, it's-it's-it's fine. It's sweet that you care about your friend, and, frankly, as you will find out sooner or later, my mother is a handful. Go.
(Cut to Wilson's office. Wilson is sitting at his desk. House is pacing in front of him. He uses exactly the same tone than before.)
House : I need your advice. This film festival.
Wilson (in a warning tone) : I have had these tickets for two months.
House : Yeah, I know. I'm definitely coming.
Wilson : Okay.
House : But Thursday is Cuddy's birthday, and her mom's coming down — it's a whole dinner thing. (Wilson puts his forehead on his hand and shakes his head.) And I thought, maybe if you see her, you could mention how upset you've been.
Wilson : You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
House : She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? (Considering it) Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still…
Wilson : I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.
House (opening the door as Wilson waves him out) : I will definitely make this up to you. (He leaves. Wilson rubs his forehead.)
(Cut to Taub driving back home. He passes by a billboard and does a double take : there is an ad for PPTH. It says “Be Better” and shows a giant picture of a smiling Taub, wearing a lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He looks like the perfect doctor.)
(Cut to Taub entering his apartment. He picks up the mail in the lobby, then enters the living room. Rachel is sitting on the couch with her bare feet on the coffee table and a laptop on her legs.)
Rachel : Hey. Am I imagining things, or did I see a billboard with your face on it on my way home tonight?
Taub : Oh, was my whole face there? 'Cause I just saw the nose.
Rachel (she chuckles, but is still looking at her screen) : I thought you said they were taking a picture of a bunch of doctors together.
Taub : They did. I have no idea how it ended up just me. (he checks his mail.)
Rachel : Well, you are pretty cute.
Taub : You're flirting with me?
Rachel : I don't see anyone else in the room. What?
Taub : I don't know. Things have been a little tense around here since that whole online-boyfriend thing.
Rachel (taking the laptop away and turning his attention to Taub) : Phil's not my boyfriend. I'm not the one with the problem.
Taub : No, you're the one with feelings for someone else.
Rachel : You're still my husband. (She kisses him.) I still love you. (They kiss again.) And I want things to be okay between us. (One more kiss.) Also, you're a famous model now. That's pretty cool… sexy, even.
[They both chuckle and start to kiss more intently. Rachel starts straddling Taub.]
(Cut to an OR. Jack is lying on the table, Masters and Chase are wearing blue scrubs. Masters is performing the exam and Chase is supervising her. We can hear a monitor beeping.)
Masters : So I advance through the carotid bifurcation…
Chase : Are you asking?
Masters : Yes, I'm asking. I've only read how to do it. Practice is different than theory. Just tell me how to do it.
Chase : You're going to inject dye just past the takeoff for the optic artery.
Masters : Right. Now?
(The monitor starts beeping faster.)
Chases : His B.P.'s going up. The procedure's stressing his body. (He massages Jack's carotid.)
Masters : Well, what do I do?
Chase : Hold on a minute. Just give him a chance to regain equilibrium. B.P.'s up, heart rate's 180.
Masters : W-what should I do?
Chase (taking over) : Give me the catheter. Get a crash cart. (Alarm beeping. Masters runs to the crash cart.) He's in cardiac arrest. Maybe your second time will go better.
(Cut to a bus stop in front of the hospital, showing the ad with Taub's face. The team is at the bus stop. House is looking closely at Taub's picture. The real Taub looks nervous.)
House : So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size. (He smiles smugly.)
Taub : Can we go back to the office now?
House : You kidding? We got a differential to run. (He hangs his cane on the bus shelter, pulls out a sharpie and start scribbling on the glass). Cardiac arrhythmia.
Taub : That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst.
Masters : Arrhythmia proves I was right. Jack's problem is his heart, not his brain.
House : So when you're not on a billboard, you sleep with nurses. But when you are, you sleep with your wife. I think you got that backwards.
Chase : That's my elbow in the corner. What's your wife doing later?
Masters : Huh. They chose you and cut out Chase?
Taub : Apparently, marketing thinks my face is the most trustworthy.
Foreman : For real? (Taub nods slightly. Foreman laughs. Chase smiles. House smirks.)
Masters : Both of our patients' cardiac incidents happened after physical stress. I'm guessing vasovagal syncope?
House : Buzzkill. (He goes back to writing on the glass.)
Taub : Vasovagal syncope would manifest at a much younger age. Could be drugs.
Masters : Tox screen was clean.
Foreman : What about autonomic nervous system dysfunction? It could cause arrhythmia and fainting. (We finally see what House was doing. He has improved Taub's picture, making him look very close to Hitler. Taub facepalms with both hands.)
House : Inappropriate? I mean, 'cause of the Jew thing? Autonomic nervous system dysfunction — I like it. (He caps the pen.) Let's biopsy his pituitary gland.
Masters : Adrenal venous sampling makes more sense and is a less invasive procedure… which you don't care about, because you just want to check the pituitary, because you still think there's something wrong with the guy's brain?
House : Can't fool you.
Chase : He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease. We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't believe in heroism.
House : Fine, do it your way. You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better.
(Cut to Jack's room. Eva and Jack are listening to Chase, Daisy is sitting nearby.)
Chase : The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary actions, like your heartbeat. If we're right, it's manageable, but will progress.
Eva (gesturing to Taub, in the corridor.) : Do you think we can consult with him?
Chase : I didn't know you knew Dr. Taub.
Eva : I don't.
Chase : You saw the ads.
Eva : Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday. And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right?
Chase (He goes to the door, and clears his throat.) : Dr. Taub… the patient would like to see you. (He keeps the door open for Taub to enter.)
Taub (He straightens his tie and enters with a benevolent smile) : How can I help?
(Cut to House's face. He is looking inside the fridge in the doctor lounge, takes an apple, takes a bite and makes a face. He puts the apple back, takes a plastic box and looks at the tag. He closes the door, turns back and jumps in surprise when he sees Cuddy and Wilson, silent and disapproving. Wilson has his arms crossed, Cuddy is sitting on a table. House sighs.)
House : I forgot. You guys talk. (To Cuddy) Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent human being (Cuddy almost smiles), and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you (Wilson rises his eyebrows), ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Wilson : And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
House : I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey… by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Cuddy and Wilson, in unison : Yes.
Cuddy : You have to choose one of us.
House (hesitating for a split second): I choose Wilson.
Cuddy (she gets up and smiles) : Good… because he's coming to my birthday dinner. (This leaves House speechless.)
Wilson : I do not whine.
(Cut to PPTH corridor. Eva and Taub are sitting on a bench, in front of the water wall.)
Eva : Jack's not exactly the hero type. He started this band in college. They gig around the country, looking for their big break. It's been 16 years.
Taub : That must be hard on you and Daisy.
Eva : It's like I'm a single parent. I love him so much. But I'm at the end of my rope.
Taub : What Jack did yesterday was so incredible, our boss assumed his illness had something to do with his behavior. But if that's not the case, there's more to him than you think. (Eva smiles and nods slightly.)
(Cut to Chase and Foreman working in the lab.)
Chase : You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here?
Foreman (He chuckles.) : I knew it was bugging you.
Chase : They cut me out.
Foreman : You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
Chase : Well, I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy.
Foreman : That's 'cause I'm black. (Chase looks surprised.) Cortisol levels look normal. We were wrong.
Chase : Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
(Cut to the OR and Chase performing the pituitary gland biopsy and Foreman watching.)
Chase : You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Foreman : 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist. Some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Chase : So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face? We're good.
Foreman : O2 sats are dropping.
(The alarm starts beeping. Chase checks.]
Chase : He's not breathing. Suction. (He gets the pump, we can hear the tube slurping, and the alarm stops.)
Foreman : Sats are coming back.
Chase : Mucus plug. That's weird.
Foreman : Fluid in the lungs.
Chase : Pneumonitis? That doesn't fit with anyone's theory.
(Cut to Diagnostics outer office. The whole team is sitting at the table.)
Masters : Our tests finally rule out the brain. That leaves the heart and the lungs.
Chase : Pneumonitis can be caused by bacteria, parasite, some kind of an obstruction.
House : Who was the girl on the tracks?
Foreman : News story said her name was Chloe Jeffries. Why does that matter?
House : 'Cause there's another reason besides being sick that he'd risk his life for a stranger. She's not a stranger. (Taub rolls his eyes.) The damsel in distress is an epileptic. So we assumed she was having an epileptic seizure, but what if she wasn't? What if she's sick too?
Chase : Jack is away a lot on tour. What happens on the road stays on the road.
Masters : The most likely cause of pneumonitis is infection. Shouldn't we be getting a sputum culture?
House : There's no significant elevation of white blood cell count. This is more like toxic exposure.
Foreman : He's got a point.
Masters : Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
House : Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite.
(Cut to Chase entering Chloe's apartment, followed by Taub.)
Chase : Hello?
Taub : So we're breaking into this girl's apartment because House thinks that two people, standing 30 feet apart on a subway platform have to be lovers.
Chase : God, you're a drag today. Let me guess. Back to fighting with the wife? (They start to search the room.)
Taub : No. We had sex again last night… twice… and again this morning.
Chase : Aw.
Taub : Rachel hasn't wanted this much intimacy in a long time. I don't think it's me she's hot for. It's this Internet guy. She's just happy, and that's turning her on.
Chase : So she's not cheating on you, and you're getting all the action you can handle. I don't see the downside. (Taking a CD) What was Jack's band called?
Taub : Suicide… something.
Chase (showing the CD) : Suicide Season. She does know him. Question is, how'd they get sick?
Taub (Holding up a roach bomb) : Kryptonite.
(Cut to the Clinic. House is reading results and writing on a chart.)
House : EKG's unremarkable, thyroid, liver, and kidney function seems fine. You're perfectly healthy. (The camera pans and we see a blonde woman in her sixties, dressed in pink, very elegant, listening to him intently.)
Arlene : I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold, I get this weird pain in my shoulder.
House : I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining… (small smile) Except for just now.
Arlene : How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?
House : Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death. It's just a guess.
Arlene : My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
House (he smiles again and starts to leave) : She sounds smart.
Arlene : Did she tell you to say that?
House (he scoffs and stops at the door): I've never met your daughter.
Arlene : That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her. (She turns back to a stunned, speechless House.)
(Cut to House leaving the exam room, still in shock, and looking maybe a little afraid. He goes straight to Cuddy's office. Seeing she's not there, he pulls out his cell phone and calls her on speed dial.)
House : We have a situation.
(Cut to Jack's room. He is sitting in his bed, wearing a nasal cannula, looking more sick and tired.)
Jack : Roach bombs, where?
Taub : In Chloe's apartment.
Jack : Who's Chloe?
Taub : Uh, look, we don't care about your personal life. We're not gonna tell your wife.
Jack : I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
Masters : Guess who showed up looking for Jack. (The woman from the station walks in.)
Jack (straightening up) : Hey.
Chloe : Hi.
Jack : You okay? The E.M.T. said you'd gone to another hospital.
Chloe : They help me overnight for observation. I'm fine. I had to come here to… I don't know why you did it, but thank you.
Jack : You're welcome.
Chloe : I should have brought flowers or something. You're like my guardian angel.
Jack : No. I'm just a guy in a band.
Chase : Maybe you've heard of them? Suicide Season?
Chloe : One of my nurses gave me the CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to be your biggest fan.
Masters (puts a sterile pot in front of Jack) : I'm gonna need you to cough.
Chase : What are you doing?
Masters : Getting a sputum culture. They obviously don't know each other, so it's not toxic exposure. Just leaves my theory — infection. If you could just cough up a sample, we can, uh, test for pathogens.
Jack : Um… [Coughing] Sorry, um… sorry, nothing — there's nothing coming up.
Masters : Well, maybe I can help you. (She taps his back.)
Jack : Aah! Ohh! It hurts! (He holds his head with his hands.)
Chloe : What's the matter?
Taub (examining Jack with a penlight.) : Round, equal, reactive to light. It's not a stroke.
Jack (moaning) : No, it's not my head. It's my ears.
(Cut to House in the Diagnostics outer office, reading a newspaper out loud. Jack saving Chloe is the front-page story. The fellows listen to him.)
House : "When I saw her lying there, I thought, "'I can't just stand here and let her die. She has her whole life to live.'"
Masters : He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl. Even you have to admit that now. (House shows the newspaper to Taub. There is the PPTH ad on it. Taub turns the paper with his face down to the table.)
House : Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero. It makes him an idiot. The only reason that headline doesn't say "moron crushed by train" is luck.
Taub : Next headline is gonna be "moron goes undiagnosed because doctors won't talk about his ear pain."
Masters : Ear pain fits with my theory. Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.
House : Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.
Masters : Am I in trouble?
House : I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.
Masters : You have a better idea?
House : Nope, so I'm gonna pick one at random. Acoustic neuroma.
Foreman : A tumor in the ear — makes sense. And if it's putting pressure on the breathing centers in his brain, explains the lungs.
House : The lungs explain the heart.
(Taub's pager beeps. He looks at it and seems surprised.)
House : Evoked auditory potential test. This counts as my time. (He leaves.)
Taub : You guys got this? (He leaves, too.)
(Cut to House entering Cuddy's office.)
House : I have been going out of my way to be nice to old Jewish ladies for months now on the off chance one of them could be your mom. You couldn't have mentioned she's a shiksa?
Cuddy : She converted when she married my dad.
House : You see, now is too late.
Cuddy : I'm not blaming you for this. She's the one who ambushed you to find out what you were like, because I "never tell her anything."
House : I'd have to agree with her on that one. Anyway, I obviously can't come to dinner now.
Cuddy : Obviously?
House : Well, she's crazy, and she hates me.
Cuddy : House… I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery. (House wimpers.)
(Cut to an exam room. Taub and Rachel are getting dressed.)
Taub : That was… unexpected.
Rachel : I'm having a good day. I finally resolved that thing with my sister.
Taub : What thing?
Rachel : Oh, we had the worst fight over whether it's time to put Dad in that facility. Been sick over it for weeks.
Taub : You never mentioned anything about your sister.
Rachel : I actually talked a lot about it with Phil.
Taub (his good mood is going down) : I should be getting back.
Rachel : It's fine now. I-it's no big deal.
Taub : Are you in love with him?
Rachel : I've never met him.
(Cut to the lab where Chase and Foreman are performing auditory potentials tests, with Masters watching.)
Foreman : Waves one and three normal at 70 decibels.
Masters : It's been 37 minutes, and everything is normal. House is wrong again. He doesn't have a tumor.
Foreman : House doesn't usually accept "we gave up halfway" as an answer.
Masters : If I could get fluid closer to the sources of infection, I could get better cultures, prove my theory. (Chase and Foreman look at each other and roll their eyes.) I'm gonna set up for an ear drainage and thoracentesis. I'll only be wasting my time.
Foreman : She's a student. Somebody's got to go with her. (He and Chase play rock/paper/scissors. Chase loses.)
(Cut to Jack's room, where he is reading the newspaper with Eva.)
Jack : I saved that girl. I did that.
Eva : And I'm really proud of you.
Jack : This whole thing has made me wonder… if things could be different. I have spent so much time away from you.
Eva : Yeah, well, you love your music.
Jack : But it's not just that. I think that I have been… afraid… that I would screw things up, that I couldn't be the man you and Daisy needed me to be. But maybe I'm better than that. Hmm? (He cries a little.) I am going to quit the band.
Eva (her eyes get wet) : I think we'd like that.
(Masters and Chase enter, rolling a cart.)
Jack : Uh-oh.
Masters : Hey, how's the ear pain?
Jack : It's better with the drugs, but it still really hurts.
Masters : We are going to take some fluid samples from your ear and your lung. Can you get up? Lean forward. Lean on this. Okay, this is Lidocaine. It'll numb you up.
Jack : Okay. (He sighs, then chuckles) This is weird.
Masters : What-what's the matter?
Jack : The pain in my ear is gone.
Chase : Gone? Completely?
Jack : Yeah, when you stuck me in the back. What does that mean?
(Cut to Cuddy's dining room. House, Wilson, Arlene, Cuddy and Rachel are having dinner. Cuddy is feeding Rachel. Arlene and Wilson are sitting side by side, facing House.)
Cuddy : Okay, I'm just cutting that for you. Yum yum.
Arlene : Is… is she going to eat anything else or just the cheese and crackers?
Cuddy : She's going through a picky phase — it won't kill her.
Arlene : You're her mother. All I know is, when you and your sister were growing up, you ate what we ate. No excuses.
(House's fork loudly clanks on his plate. He looks at Arlene very, very coldly. Arlene looks back expectantly. House controls himself and smiles politely.)
House : Would you pass the salt? (Arlene smiles and picks up the salt. Cuddy snatches it and hands it to House. Arlene rolls her eyes.)
Cuddy : She had eggs this morning, and lots of fruit.
Arlene : Ah. That explains it.
Cuddy : Explains what?
Arlene : She was a little vilder chaiah in the park this afternoon. She wouldn't listen to anything I said. Must have been all the sugar.
Wilson : Actually, the whole sugar-makes-kids-hyperactive thing is a myth. (Arlene glares at him. He starts to lose his composure.) It's a study.
Arlene (still glaring at him) : I'm sure it's very interesting. I didn't read any studies. I just raised children. (Wilson shakes his fork, nervously, then his head. Arlen turns to Cuddy.) It's not your fault. How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're never home.
(House cell phone starts ringing. He gets up.)
House : I'm sorry. I have to get this. (He leaves the room and whispers pleadingly) Tell me you need me.
Chase : Jack doesn't have cancer.
House (loudly) : God, that's awful. I'll be right in. (Cuddy's mouth opens in disbelief.)
Chase : Masters stuck him in the back with Lidocaine, and his ear pain went away.
Foreman : We don't need you here. We just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back.
House : Because his ear used to be something else. When you're a fetus, your cells are close together. When you grow, they spread out and specialize. Sometimes the body screws up, and they keep the old area codes, report to the same pain centers.
Taub : Referred pain.
House : Looks and brains. When you stuck him in the back, you cut off communication with the pain centers in his spinal cord. So we just need to figure out where the message is actually coming from. What about his thyroid?
Chase : Hyperthyroidism would explain all his symptoms.
House : Or it could be his liver.
Foreman : Good. We'll take a look at both. If it’s spreading to—
Masters : For the record, referred pain does not rule out infection—
House : Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, "actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean Theorem"? (His phone clicks.) Hello? (The team has hung up. House sighs and goes back to the dining room.)
(Cut to Cuddy, coming back from the kitchen with a coffee pot and two mugs)
Cuddy : All right. Mom…
Arlene : Thank you, sweetie. (To House) So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism? (House stays still.)
Cuddy (dryly) : We haven't gotten that far, mom.
Wilson (with a very convincing fake concern) : That's actually a really interesting question. (Cuddy and House both glare at him.)
House : I'm an atheist.
Arlene : Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.
Cuddy : House isn't that big on community.
Arlene : And why do you call him "House"? The man's name is Greg. It makes it seem (lowering her tone) like you're not serious. (Wilson nods in approval. He seems to really enjoy himself a lot.) I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're-you're a certain age now. (Cuddy doesn't like it.) The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister.
Wilson : Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Poconos and— (His voice trails off. Arlene looks at him without any pity.)
Arlene : That's very sad. Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion. (Back to Cuddy) I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a slut. (Cuddy stares at Arlene in disbelief.)
House (He stops refraining himself and looks at Cuddy) : Okay, I got this. First of all, mom…
(Arlene opens her mouth and closes her eyes. Her head wobbles, then falls back on her chair. Her mouth remains open.)
Cuddy : Oh, my God. (She gets up quickly, checks her mother's eyes while Wilson checks her pulse. She then looks back to House, who is quietly sipping his coffee. She realizes.) Did you… (Angrily) sedate my mother? (Wilson looks almost relieved and smiles a little.)
House : Kicked in just in time. She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new. Think of it as my birthday gift to you. You told me to keep my mouth shut. It's the only way I had a chance.
Wilson (He is trying hard not to laugh) : Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm-I'm honestly relieved. Your mom is quite a h— quite a handful. What? I feel f— (His eyes open wide when he understands.) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. (Speaking gibberish that sound sort of like) You drugged me again?
House : Sorry. I honestly thought you'd be worse. (Wilson's head falls on the table.) (To Cuddy) That was my gift to myself. (Cuddy looks from Wilson to Arlene, torn between incredulity and despair.)
(Cut to the Cafeteria. Taub, alone and looking sad, is slowly eating a sandwich. Masters comes to him.)
Taub : I take it Jack's thyroid levels are normal.
Masters : Foreman is doing a liver biopsy now.
Taub : Good.
Masters : What's up with you?
Taub : Nothing. I'm peachy.
Masters (She sits down in front of him) : It's hard when you feel like you've been replaced. We got a new puppy once, and our old cocker spaniel just moped for weeks.
Taub : Have you even had sex?
Masters : We're not talking about me. We're talking about you.
Taub : No, you're talking about puppies, and I'm not listening. [Masters looks at Taub sympathetically.) She wants to do it all the time, but it has nothing to do with me. I'm just a piece of meat.
Masters : Well, she likes someone else, and you've slept with other people. Uh, why are you still together?
Taub : I love her. We've been together for 22 years. I've never loved anybody else. I don't know how to… not be with her.
Masters : So you're never gonna cheat again.
Taub : I don't know.
Masters : Well, that seems kind of selfish, doesn't it? (Her cell phone chimes.) Foreman found diffuse inflammation in Jack's liver. Looks like autoimmune hepatitis… Starting him on steroids. (She gets up and leaves, walking past the picture of Taub, hanging near the door. Taub remains sitting alone. He sighs.)
(Cut to Cuddy's home. House and Cuddy are doing the dishes. House is sporting a smug grin, Cuddy is smiling slightly. We can see Arlene and Wilson sound asleep behind them, still sitting at the table in the same position than before. Albinoni's Adagio is playing. It's very quiet.)
House (smiling at Cuddy) : Isn't this nice? (She smiles back.)
(Cut to Jack's room. He is sitting on his bed holding his guitar.)
Jack : What's this note? (He plays one note.) Does that sound like an "A"? Remember, I put my finger like this without this doohickey on it, it's an "F." See?
Daisy : Hmm… Can we read a book instead? (They both laugh.)
Eva : Yes, we — Jack?
(Jack starts moaning, falls back on the bed and starts seizing. A nurse rushes in.)
Eva : Jack! Help him!
Nurse : Come on. Come on.
Eva (hugging her daughter) : Okay. Okay.
(Cut to Jack's room. The whole team is looking at him from the corridor.)
Taub : He seized three times last night. We got him stabilized, but barely.
House : If there was nothing wrong with his brain before, there sure is now.
Foreman : Any particular reason we need to be looking at the patient?
House : Yes. Cuddy's mom is in my office, and she looks mad.
Chase : What did you do?
Taub : Our patient also developed a raging fever overnight. That means Masters was right all along. This is an infection.
House : Should we give you a minute to gloat?
Masters : We still don't know what kind of infection — could be bacterial, viral, fungal. Until the cultures—
House : You are the worst gloater ever.
Foreman : Her starting those cultures when she did means we're 24 hours closer to the answer.
House : "We're sorry your husband croaked, but at least we were 24 hours closer to the answer." Let's narrow it down, shall we?
Taub : Four days ago, the guy was facedown in the subway. God only knows what's in that sludge. Toxic fumes make him pass out — rat pee does the rest.
Chase : If it's leptospirosis, it's the fastest-moving case in history.
Foreman : Leptospirosis can turn into meningitis.
Masters : I can't confirm any of this yet, and we don't have time to choose wrong.
House : It fits, and since it's the only idea on the table, I say it's a winner. Start him on doxycycline. No, wait. I'll do it. You guys have to go back to the office, tell me when bubbie's gone.
(Cut to Jack's room, where House is holding a vigil. Kind of. Jack wakes up.)
Jack : You a doctor?
House : Sure. You're on new meds. Go back to sleep.
Jack : Am I gonna die?
House : Well, I hope not, 'cause then I'd have to go back to my office. Of course, if you do kick it, then you get to be famous for another two, maybe three weeks.
Jack : They're saying I'm a hero?
House : Yeah, but, you know, in a few days, a panda bear will give birth to triplets, and we'll all move on. Oh, I'm sorry. You actually believe that you are a hero. Should get yourself some tights and a cape, run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings. Maybe you'll keep getting lucky. You're still the same guy you were last week.
Jack : Hey, um… How long are you gonna sit there?
House : Could be hours.
Jack : Hiding behind a sick guy… That's heroic. (He laughs weakly.)
(Cut to House's office, where Arlene is waiting on House's chair, her feet propped up on the desk, reading a file. House glances from the corridor, then enters the room.)
House : I can explain. Sometimes I mix up my medications.
Arlene : I don't need you to explain anything. I think we both know that… I owe you an apology.
House (incredulously) : Say what?
Arlene : I don't even remember going to bed last night. I must have had too much to drink. I do know I can be difficult.
House : You were a little bitchy.
Arlene : In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick, but once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue. That's because you love her. (House looks uncomfortable.) I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kill you if you hurt her, but I'm glad she has you.
House : We don't have to hug now, do we?
Arlene : What do you think? (She scoffs.) I've got a train to catch.
House : I thought you were staying till Sunday.
Arlene : I'm coming down with a cold. Every time I stay with Lisa or her sister, one of those rug rats gets me sick. Children are awful. (She closes the door and leaves.)
(EPIPHANY TIME. House goes back to Jack's room where, in the meantime, Eva and Daisy have arrived.)
House : Did she have a rash recently?
Eva : No. What's going on?
House (peering at Daisy) : Feverish, itchy?
Eva : No.
House : What is she doing here anyway? It's the middle of the morning. Shouldn't she be in school?
Eva : I'm keeping her out for a few days. There's been a little outbreak—
House : Chicken pox. Sorry, but if I let you finish that sentence, that would be much less impressive. Chicken pox is no big deal for kids, but it's a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad deal for grown-ups.
Eva : You think Jack has chicken pox? But he doesn't have blisters. He's not itchy, and Daisy never got it.
House : I know. Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out. Five percent of cases present without blisters. The kid was just a carrier. (To Jack) I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life. But it won't make me a hero.
(Cut to Jack's room.)
Eva : Hey. How are you feeling?
Jack : Like I'm not gonna die.
Eva : I can't wait to take you home.
Jack : The guys called. All this press has got us a couple of new gigs — just a few more dates, three weeks, tops.
(Cut to PPTH corridor in front of Jack's room. Eva leaves the room and joins Taub at the counter.)
Taub : Three weeks isn't so bad.
Eva : It's not three weeks. It's what he's always done — just one more tour.
Taub : I'm sorry.
Eva : Yeah, the pathetic thing is I let myself believe that he could change, he could be this other guy. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
(Cut to House sitting at his desk with his glasses on. Masters enters with results.)
Masters : Culture confirmed Jack does have chicken pox. It just took six hours longer.
House : Autopsy works too. FYI, turns out your hero is a loser. He's going back on the road.
Masters : He still risked his life for that woman.
House : That was impulse. That was easy. Dealing with family is hard. Wait, that's another thing I got right. How many does that make? (Masters shows two fingers.) And how many for you? (Masters turns back to leave, wordlessly. House calls her back.) I'm also kicking your ass at gloating.
(Cut to Taub back home, entering the bedroom. Rachel is getting dressed.)
Taub : Hey.
Rachel : Hi.
Taub : I think we should get a divorce. You have feelings for him, and I can't handle that. But it's my fault you needed someone else. I keep hurting you.
Rachel : We love each other.
Taub : I know. But are you happy?
Rachel : No.
Taub : Then what are we doing?
(Cut to Cuddy's office, where House and Cuddy are slouching on the couch.)
House : You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play.
Cuddy : Thanks.
House : Here… In case your mom comes back. (He gives her a prescription bottle tied with a red bow.) Happy Birthday.
Cuddy (She laughs, then kiss him and strokes his jaw.) Oh, you are a sweet, sweet man. You coming over?
House : Yes. (A beat.) Oh, no, I can't.
Cuddy (frowning) : Wilson.
House : It's, uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. (Cuddy gives him a look.) Oh, screw it. I'm coming.
Cuddy (laughing and fidgeting with the tied bottle) : No, no, no. I am not gonna be responsible for that. You drugged the man. You go bowling with him.
House : Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson. (Cuddy doesn't flinch.) Fine.
(Cut to Wilson packing his things in his office. House opens the door.)
Wilson : Hey. You ready?
House (with an embarassed grin) : Here's the thing…
(Cut to Taub driving his car. He stops it in front of a PPTH giant ad.
The National's Start a War is playing.)
♪♫ We expected somethin' ‚ somethin' better than before ‚
♪♫ We expected somethin' more ‚
(Taub gets out of his car, carrying a can of paint balls. He starts throwing paint at his picture, repeatedly.)
♪♫ Do you really think ‚
♪♫ You can just put it in a safe behind a painting ‚
♪♫ Lock it up and leave?
♪♫ Walk away now‚ and you're gonna start a war
Taub: Aah! Aah!
(Cut to House's apartment. House is sprawled on his couch, wearing a tee and striped pajamas pants. There is a Scotch bottle on the coffee table. The Real Housewives are arguing indistinctly on television.)
Dina Manzo : Again, this meeting is about me and setting my bounds.
Danielle Staub : Well, it's about me too, and I have my boundaries, Dina, and they have clearly been crossed by you and your entire family.
Dina : That's not true.
Danielle : We all need improvements, Dina, and I formed my opinion on you.
Dina : Shh.
(House closes his eyes in bliss and smiles.)
Danielle : No, don't shush me, Dina.
Dina : No, I will shush you because you're not letting me finish.