Written by: Seth Hoffman
Directed by: Sanford Bookstaver
Transcribed by: MarionS
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
(The scene opens on a TV ad claiming that opponent of New Jersey Senator Hal Anderson, John Moreno, is pro-immigration. We see a large group of Latino people running through the desert to get to the US.)
Male announcer: This election day, the fate of our borders is in your hands. John Moreno wants to invite illegal immigrants into our country. He wants to give them our jobs. He wants to give them our healthcare. John Moreno wants to give them the American dream, and he wants you to pay for it. [People yelling) John Moreno. Whose side is he really on?
(The camera moves from the TV screen to a meeting room where Senator Anderson and his campaign manager, Joe Dugan, are.)
Anderson: Whose side is he really on?
Dugan (turns off the TV): It's a valid question. He favors easing restrictions.
Anderson: So do I.
Dugan: Shh… Come on, Hal. Your position on work visas is irrelevant. He's talking about a path to citizenship. I'm telling you, this ad wins you the election.
Anderson: By insulting one of my core constituencies. Come on, in '04 I had 45% of the Latino vote.
Dugan: And this year you're running against a guy named Moreno.
Anderson: This isn't one of your races in South Carolina or Oklahoma, Joe. This is New Jersey… People vote for me because I'm a moderate.
Dugan: Well, that's great. You can be the most moderate ex-senator in the country. Hal, the election is seven days away, and even our own internals show you down six points.
Anderson: We've always been the underdog. And we've always found a way to win.
Dugan: I know. Because you have always let me do what's needed to be done. Now, I can have this on the air tomorrow.
Anderson: No, no.
Dugan (starts scratching his arm): Come on, Hal, let me do this!
Anderson: No, absolutely not. This could totally galvanize the left. (noticing Joe’s scratching) You all right, Joe?
Dugan (rolls up his sleeve): Yeah, I think I got some kind of a rash.
(They both see several red lesions on Joe’s forearm.)
Anderson: What the hell? That's not a rash.
Dugan: Maybe I should call a doctor.
Anderson: You better call an ambulance.
(Cut to the clinic. House exits an exam room followed by a patient walking with crutches and dressed up as some kind of Greek God.)
House (to the patient): Look at it like this… of all the ways to rupture it, nothing honors the real Achilles more than blowing the dismount on a keg stand.
(Cuddy is waiting for House by the central desk. He joins her.)
Cuddy: What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know… It's a sausagefest.
House: Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree.
Cuddy: I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.
House: It's coming along.
Cuddy: You've had plenty of time to find someone.
House: I've found plenty of someones. Just haven't kept them.
Cuddy: It's time to end the cycle. (handing him a file) Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.
House (takes a look at it and holds it up to have Cuddy take it back): This doctor is not a doctor.
Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.
House: She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.
Cuddy: This isn't a suggestion.
House: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun, it doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Cuddy: Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss. (she leaves)
(Cut to Dignostic room, the team is sitting at the table. House enters.)
Taub: Patient is Joe Dugan, 42, political consultant. Presents with palpable purpura, and ALT and AST are through the roof.
House: Otherwise known as rash and liver damage. Fascinating.
Foreman: Senator Anderson sent this case to us, and personally requested we take a look. That's reason enough for me.
House: Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
Foreman: I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.
(Knock on door. A young woman waves at House. He walks to the door and opens it to let her in.)
House: Martha M. Masters? I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor. Take a seat.
Chase: She's a med student?
(Masters sits at the table.)
House: Cuddy thinks she's some kind of genius. Say something brilliant.
Masters: Oh, I… I don't…
House: Capital of Azerbaijan?
House: Year Beethoven died?
House: 20th decimal of Euler's number?
Masters: Six. (she giggles) It's my favorite constant.
House: She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait… the Internet has breasts. (He sits down.)
Foreman: Our patient's liver damage explains the rash and cryoglobulins we found in his blood, but we can't explain the liver damage. Shows no other signs of drug or alcohol abuse.
House: Now all we've gotta do is figure out which one is bimbo and which one is bite-size. Also, which monster truck won the 2004 thunder nationals?
(Masters seems confused.)
Chase: Hep C makes sense.
Foreman: Test came back negative. Same for Hep A and B.
House: The answer we were looking for is Virginia Giant. Feel free to chime in on either conversation. (she nods.)
Taub: Hate to steal the spotlight from small wonder over here, but what about toxic exposure?
Chase: Tetrachloroethylene. Could even be pennyroyal or sassafras oil.
House: Go to his house, get me some chemicals. (addressing Masters) You wanna stay on this team, have an opinion. (she leaves the room with the team.)
(Cut to Joe’s house, a beautiful massive residence. Taub and Foreman are walking towards the main door while Masters follows them and describes into details all the features of this house.)
Masters: Oh, cool! Tudor revival architecture. Steeply pitched, asymmetrical roof over the entrance. But it doesn't have the half timbering over the facade.
Taub: Doesn't say anything about medicine, can't shut up about architecture. Great.
Masters: I know. I don't know what happened. Being around House… he's such a legend, he's so intimidating. I'm not like that around ordinary people.(Chuckles softly) Uh, not that you guys are ordinary. (they both stare at her.) It's just that he's so brilliant and you work under him, so you're not as imposing. Um… I'm gonna be quiet.
Taub: Good idea.
(Foreman is picking the lock and succeeds in opening the door.)
Masters: Dugan didn't give you a key?
Foreman: If patients know we're coming, they can hide something relevant to their illness intentionally or unintentionally. Their knowledge changes things.
(Foreman and Taub enter. Masters looks around worried and stops at the doorway.)
Taub: Are you a vampire? It's okay. We're inviting you in.
Masters: But our patient didn't. I can't do this, I'm sorry.
(She refuses to enter and stays outside. Foreman and Taub glance briefly at the fish tank in the dining room but head for the kitchen.)
Taub: Well, she's gonna be a big help.
Foreman: Yeah, what a rube being uncomfortable breaking into a stranger's house.
(Foreman opens all the cupboards and kitchen drawers while Taub looks at the mail.)
Taub: Part of our job description, not the most morally ambiguous part.
Foreman: Give her a chance. She's fresh, enthusiastic, has no bad habits we need to reteach.
Taub (whines): She's a med student with no practical experience. That means every procedure, every blood draw, she needs one of us there to supervise.
Foreman: Is this attitude about her not having an M.D. after her name? Because I wonder if it has more to do with her being a brainiac.
Taub: That's not it at all.
Foreman: I'm not thrilled someone else might be the smartest person on the team now. I can only imagine how you feel.
Taub (smiles): You're not smarter than me.
Foreman: Oh, yeah? You find this? (He holds up a big jar of apple cider.)
(Cut to a hospital hallway, House is walking with Taub and Foreman.)
Foreman: A jug of unpasteurized cider. It could be tainted with E coli, and that's what's causing the liver to shut down.
House: E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider… (Having a fake epiphany) Pork cider! (Points at Taub) I need the number of the patent office.
Foreman: There are indirect ways of attracting E coli.
Taub: Masters refused to go on the search with us.
House: Interesting. Which raises the question, (looking suspiciously at Taub) what is your problem with her?
Foreman: He is intimidated by her intelligence.
House: Why would that bother Taub? He's been working with people smarter than him for a long time. I think perky new girl makes him feel old.
Taub: She's basically the same age as Thirteen.
House: Yeah, but she's a student. Makes you contemplate your med school days. Back when you had hair, muscle tone, and no need for a regular prostate exam.
Foreman: Makes sense. Just like E coli. Orchards make cider out of apples they can't sell otherwise, like if they've fallen onto the ground. Like, into some cow feces.
House: Which would mean our esteemed patient is literally full of B.S. Cool. Go get the ingenue, start the patient on aztreonam and plasmapheresis.
(House leaves Taub and Foreman alone)
Foreman (Loudly, to Taub): He said to start the patient on aztre…
(Taub leaves, pissed. Foreman chuckles.)
(Cut to a room full of medical equipment. Taub and Masters are preparing for Joe’s plasmapheresis. Taub is showing her how to set things up.)
Taub: The cell sorter separates the plasma from the remaining cellular components, thereby removing…
Masters The toxins, antibodies, cryoglobulins. I think we should tell our patient about breaking into his house.
Taub: Why would we do that?
Masters: Because the reason not to tell him was that he might hide something. And now that rationale is moot.
Taub; The rationale now is no upside, big downside.
Masters: How can we ask our patients to trust us if we're not honest with them?
Taub: How can we ask the patient to trust us after we tell him he can't trust us? Fine. Tell him. Clear your conscience, because that's what's important.
(Cut to Joe’s room. The TV is on, on a news channel. Taub and Masters are here; Joe is sitting in his bed while talking on the phone.)
Dugan (on the phone): Well, if you would let me run that ad, everybody would be talking about immigration instead. All right, look, here's what we're gonna say. Yeah, he was in Iraq, and we're all grateful for his sacrifice. You chose to honor your country through public service and have voted 46 times to expand the Pentagon's budget for programs which, oh, by the way, Moreno wants to cut. All right. I'll draft it up, send it over. (he turns it off and picks up another phone)
Masters: You should probably slow down until you're out of the hospital.
Dugan (texting on phone n°2): It's a busy week.
(Awkward silence and glances between Taub and Masters.)
Masters: Aren't you curious how we came up with this diagnosis?
Dugan: You're doctors. Isn't that your job?
Masters: But how we knew you were drinking apple cider?
Dugan: Well, you had to have found that at my house, so I guess you guys broke in there.
Masters (looking at Taub then at Joe): That doesn't bother you?
Dugan: Medicine's like politics. At the end of the day, all that matters is results.
Masters: That's not true. (She gets Joe’s full attention) Respect matters. Honesty and integrity matter.
Dugan: Have you ever thought about running for public office? Because I would love to have someone like you as an opponent.
(Taub is amuzed, Masters looks disappointed.)
Taub (to Masters): Watch the replacement fluid line.
Masters: Oh, right, sorry. (Corrects her mistake) You ever wonder why American voter turnout rates are among the lowest in the developed world? (Joe looks suddenly paralysed and drops the two phones he was holding in his hands) Mr. Dugan?
Taub: Mr. Dugan? What's wrong? Can you hear me? (Looking in Joe’s eyes with a penlight) He's paralyzed. (to Masters) Call Foreman and Chase, get them down here. (Masters rushes to the phone) Mr. Dugan!
(Cut to Diagnostic room, the entire team is sitting at the table while House is making himself a cup of coffee. He picks it up and walks to the table.)
Chase: We think it's a transient ischemic attack. The clot must have broken up before we could find it. He was temporarily paralyzed, but he's regaining mobility and speech.
House: So, what causes rash, liver failure, clots, and the uncontrollable urge to rat out your coworkers? Oh, no, wait… (He leans close to Masters.) That last one was you, not the patient.
Masters: I wasn't trying to rat. I was clearly trying to honor my ethical obligation. Portal vein thrombosis could be caused by Wilson's disease?
House: Hooray! (He throws his cup full of confetti at her to celebrate her first diagnosis) You popped your cherry, diagnostically speaking. Unfortunately, the first time always sucks. Pitch doesn't make any sense. Dugan's cornea was normal. You're obviously brilliant. So why would you hide your mind?
Masters: I was brainstorming.
House: I'm not talking about your stupid ideas about the patient. I mean your stupid ideas about morality.
Masters: My stupid ideas are what most doctors consider the rules for professional conduct. (to the team) What about a neuroendocrine tumor?
Taub: Not without diminished mental capacity, loss of judgment. Disseminated intravascular coagulation, however, fits.
House: Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own mind. You obviously don't fit into that category, so why put yourself there?
Chase: Masters is right about a neuroendocrine tumor. Because yes, Dugan has had a loss of judgment. He made this totally inflammatory anti-immigration campaign commercial for Anderson. It just got leaked online.
Foreman: You're arguing Dugan's politics are a sign that he's mentally compromised?
Chase: No, his tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it and all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash.
House: And honesty's a great idea until your patient asks if her distended abdomen makes her looks fat.
Foreman: House, I hate to interrupt your ethics debate, but we have two solid ideas on the table.
House: CT from his neck to his abdomen for neuroendocrine tumors. Run a D-dimer and fibrinogen for D.I.C.
(The team gets up to leave.)
House: Masters. If lying to a patient saved their life, would you do it?
House: That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it?
Masters: Yes, but that's different.
House: So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up? (He leaves the room.)
(Cut to a hallway, House finds Cuddy. She is walking while texting on her phone.)
House: How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
Cuddy: Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.
House: Never mind, then. She's got principles. She's like the love child of Einstein and Mary Poppins. Didn't even get Einstein's hair.
(They stop in front of the elevator, Cuddy pushes the call button.)
Cuddy: It's worth having someone on the team who doesn't see the world entirely as shades of gray.
House: It is gray!
Cuddy: To you.
Cuddy: She has a fresh perspective. Unless that threatens you. (She enters the elevator.)
House: It does not… (sighs) You thought I'd get defensive, keep her out of pride.
Cuddy (smiles): A girl can hope. (the door closes but she stops it with one hand.) House, I gave this a lot of thought. She deserves a chance. A real chance. (the door closes.)
(Cut to Cuddy’s office, Cuddy enters to find Masters pacing)
Masters (worried): House is gonna fire me.
Cuddy: No, he isn't.
Masters: Because you told him not to?
Cuddy: Butting heads with House is par for the course. House has strong beliefs, and he respects other people with strong beliefs.
(They both sit down and face each other)
Masters: It's not my beliefs that are the problem. It's my personality. I'm not good at working with other people.
Cuddy: You've been in there for less than a day.
Masters: I wasn't looking for encouragement. It's a fact. Growing up, my whole life, really, I-I spent a lot of time by myself. And no one in high school wants to hang out with a kid that's three years younger than them. And studying Anosov diffeomorphisms, determining whether an unattributed landscape is a blakelock or a ryder or… I'm actually boring you right now.
Cuddy: And yet you chose medicine. Which is a team activity. It's pretty gutsy, stepping so far outside your comfort zone.
Masters: I'm not trying to prove anything. I just wanted to be a doctor. It was stupid. Nobody can do everything. I was vain to think I could be the exception.
Cuddy (in a reassuring tone): House doesn't care if you're a team player, or how ethical you are, or how high your I.Q. Is. It's all about the cases. You help him crack this one, you two are gonna get along just fine.
(Cut to CT scan room, Chase and Foreman are in the booth, scanning Dugan)
Foreman: We gotta give Masters some pointers, help her figure out how to deal with House.
Chase: Why would I do that? The entertainment factor is off the charts. It's like watching a bunny hop into a buzz saw. Repeatedly.
Foreman: And if we don't help her, she's out of here.
Chase: No, something else is stopping House from firing her. I'm guessing it's his desire to keep having sex with Cuddy.
Dugan (over the microphone): You guys ready to admit you were wrong yet?
Foreman (to Joe, in the microphone): Excuse me?
Dugan: This tumor you're looking for… you're not gonna find it. My judgment is completely sound.
Chase: So when you leaked that ad, you were trying to torpedo the Senator's campaign?
Dugan: All right, one, I told you before, I didn't leak that spot.
Dugan: And two… Whoever did leak that ad had nothing wrong with their mind either. It's gonna save Anderson.
Chase: That commercial… Everyone sees through it. You're just trying to play to people's fears.
Dugan: You say fears. I say rational, protective instincts. And judging by your accent, immigration probably isn't an issue you can be real impartial about.
Chase: I waited five years to get my green card. If there's anyone who would resent someone trying to skip the queue, it'd be me. Just because Moreno favors amnesty…
Dugan: He doesn't. You know that picture of him with the Mexican flags that seems to be from a pro-amnesty rally? That's from an amnesty international speech protesting the imprisonment of priests in Oaxaca. Yes, you did just prove that that ad is even more disgusting than you thought. You also proved that ad is effective. You still think my judgment is off?
Foreman: Not anymore. There's no sign of a tumor. That leaves D.I.C. I'll go check how Taub is doing with the blood work.
(Foreman leaves. Cut to Pathology. Foreman walks in the room where Taub is running tests)
Foreman: I guess when you get on in years, it takes a little longer to run a few simple blood tests.
Taub: This whole "Taub's an old man" thing kinda rings hollow, considering I'm in better shape than you are. Pass the dye.
Foreman: You're in rounder shape than me.
Taub (faces Foreman): Tonight after work, meet at the basketball courts in the gym.
Foreman: You do realize you're two and a half feet tall, right?
Taub: And white. And Jewish. It'd be very embarrassing. I get why you wanna say no.
Foreman: Tonight after work.
(Monitor beeps. They both look at the screen)
(Cut to Joe’s room. He is in his bed and the Senator is here, sitting in a chair)
Anderson: Did you hear Moreno's latest stump speech? He's gonna clean up Washington.
Dugan (scoffs): Yeah, right. Like any politician from New Jersey has ever cleaned up… Who else knows that you leaked that ad? You and I had the only two copies, Hal. I don't care that you did it. I just want to make sure it worked.
Anderson: This morning's tracking has me within two points.
Dugan (smiles): Told you. We're gonna pull this thing off.
(Door opens, Taub and Foreman enter)
Taub: Your blood test for D.I.C. came back completely normal.
Dugan: That's good news, right?
Taub: That means the two things we thought it could be, it's not.
Foreman: We checked your home for toxins and didn't find any. But it's possible you might've been exposed on the campaign. Have you visited any industrial or agricultural facilities?
Anderson: There was a tomato farm in Lumberton.
Foreman: They take you into the fields?
Dugan: No one wants a photo op with me. I never leave the bus.
Foreman: Were the windows open? Certain pesticides…
(They both look at the urine bag. It’s red)
Dugan: What? What is it?
Foreman: It's not just your liver we have to worry about. Looks like your kidneys are having problems, too.
(Cut to Diagnostic room. House and the team are sitting at the table.)
House: So this guy spends his entire life campaigning against bleeding hearts. And it turns out he has one.
Masters: Bloody urine actually is a renal problem, not a cardiac one.
House: Yeah, if I say something inaccurate, assume it's for comic effect. Then laugh,
because it's funny. T.T.P. makes sense. What're his platelets?
Chase: 200,000. It's not T.T.P.
Masters: What about henoch-schoenlein purpura?
Taub: H.S.P. Doesn't cause clots.
Foreman: H.S.P. Doesn't usually cause clots, but it can. And the vasculitis would explain the kidney problem.
House: She can't diagnose a joke, but she's making progress on the patient.
Masters: We treat with chemotherapy or steroids.
House: We treat with chemotherapy.
Masters: I said chemo.
House: Then you said, "or."
Chase: Once again, the bunny meets the blade.
House: The road to dead patients is paved with "or"s. Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it'll confirm our diagnosis more quickly.
Masters: I agree, but there is another option.
House: There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer…
Masters: Another medically accepted option.
House: Which is both less effective and less scary. So the patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him.
Masters: We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo.
House: Well, as long as you're sure.
(Cut to Joe’s room. Masters is by his bed, talking to him)
Masters: The better option is chemotherapy. It's faster and more likely to completely cure you.
Dugan: I'll take the steroids.
House: Oh, my goodness! (He was standing behind Masters) If only someone could've predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision. (Masters looks at House)
Masters (to Joe): The nausea and fatigue from chemo will only last a few weeks.
Dugan: Our poll numbers have stalled. That's five days till the election.
Anderson: Doctor, can you talk some sense into him?
House: Would that I could, but ethics dictate that it's his decision. So all I can do now is return to my office knowing, even as my patient endangers himself, my integrity remains unblemished.
Masters: Please. Take some time to think about this.
Dugan: I don't need any time. I want to start on the steroids.
(Cut to an indoor basketball court. Taub is strapping his knee while Foreman is waiting for him with the ball in his hands)
Foreman: Game to 11 by ones.
Taub: Uh, hold on. (he swallows an energy drink) Wanna shoot for outs?
Foreman: You can have it.
Taub (He shoots and scores! - feeble voice): One, nothing.
(Music in the background: White Denim's “I Start to Run”)
Taub: You gonna guard me?
(Foreman throws the ball to Taub)
Foreman: Can't hit two in a row.
Taub (scores again!): Two, nothing. You gonna guard me now?
Foreman: You can have that shot all day.
(Foreman throws the ball to Taub again, he runs to him but Taub feints the shot, avoids him and run to score a third time)
Taub: Three, nothing.
(Foreman gets the ball and scores)
Foreman: One, three.
(The real game begins. They battle for shots, back and forth until Foreman leads)
Foreman: Ten, seven.
(Last move. Foreman maneuvers past Taub for a layup that bounces around the rim… and then falls through the net. He wins)
Taub: Seriously? You're gonna beat me with that?
Foreman (Panting): Well… I was wrong. You're not so old.
Taub: Thank you.
Foreman: Now all we have to do is figure out why Masters is making you feel insecure.
(Cut to House’s office. He is working at his desk, Masters bursts in.)
Masters: I was just down by Dugan's room. They were ready to give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor.
House: Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine.
Masters: But he wanted steroids, not chemo.
House: He wants to live.
Masters: I'm gonna tell him what's going on. (leaving)
House: No, you're not. (he takes off his glasses) I don't mind your morality in theory. But in practice, you're risking my patient's life. So you're fired.
Masters: You think that's gonna stop me from telling him?
House: If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school.
Masters (horrified): I haven't done anything that would merit that.
House: I know. But unlike you, I'm willing to lie.
(Cut to Diagnostic room, House has his head down on the glass table. He is thinking.)
Foreman: Firing her was a mistake. We need someone like her on the team, keeping us all in check.
House: You're incapable of noticing when I do something inappropriate?
Foreman: We're like the frogs who've been in the pot for a while. We're used to the heat.
Taub: Things have been just fine without Pippi Longdivision.
House: Your opponent's out of the race. You can drop the smear campaign.
Chase (enters the room): Dugan developed pulmonary edema. It's not H.S.P.
Foreman: Masters was right. He didn't want the chemo. He didn't need the chemo.
House: Masters was wrong. He doesn't have H.S.P. And Masters is gone.
Taub: Could be an infection.
Chase: We had him on aztreonam for the E coli. He didn't respond.
Taub: Schistosomiasis wouldn't respond to aztreonam.
House: That's a great idea if he was running a political campaign in Africa. The guy hasn't been out of the country in years.
Taub: Who needs to travel when you've got a giant fish tank loaded with tropical fish, tropical snails carrying tropical bacteria like schistosomiasis?
House: Well, break into his home, get me some escargots. Unless you wanna ask the patient's permission as a tribute to the departed.
(The team leaves. Cuddy stops at the entrance of the room)
Cuddy: Need a minute.
(House looks surprised to see her. She looks pissed.)
(Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting on her desk, House is pacing, and Masters is standing on the side quietly.)
Cuddy: You said you were gonna give her a chance.
House: I did! She used that opportunity to endanger our patient's life.
Masters: By insisting he receives the treatment that he asked for.
House: That's what I just said!
Cuddy: Your team is there to challenge you.
House (angry): I didn't fire her because she's a challenge… I fired her because she's an immutable obstacle! You gonna make me hire her? (to Masters) How do you think that'll work out? How do you think that'll work out?
Masters: He's right, I'll just…
Cuddy (determined): You will not quit this job.
House (astonished): What is going on? I want her gone, she wants to be gone. Why do you care? You don't actually think that she's a younger version of you? Because let me tell you, you're not that smart or moral. Socially awkward, maybe.
Cuddy: She's a potential star, and I want her in my hospital.
House: No problem. Just find her a different department. (He leaves the office with one last glance at Masters.)
(Cut to Joe’s house. Taub, Foreman and Chase are leaning over the fish tank. Foreman has a hand in it)
Chase: I think I've figured it out. Why Taub didn't like Masters.
Taub: Now you're getting involved in this, too?
Chase: My previous source of entertainment just got fired.
Taub: Exactly. She's gone. It's over.
Chase: She's totally moral and uptight, which made Taub feel badly about his cheating.
Taub: Can we get a move on? (he takes what Foreman was holding to do the same thing but faster)
Foreman: You didn't like her even before you knew about her morals. It's from the minute he saw her.
Chase: So… It's something about how she looked.
Taub: All right. No snails. Let's get out of here.
(A flashlight flickers toward them)
(Cut to House’s office. His cellphone rings, he answers)
Foreman: It's Foreman.
House: What'd you find?
Foreman: Nothing helpful, but…
House: There's gotta be something. Dugan's going completely downhill. Now fluid's collecting in his chest. Where the hell are you guys?
Foreman: In jail. You gonna come bail us out?
(We see Foreman using his one phone call while Taub and Chase are behind bars looking at him.)
House: Uh… kinda busy. (He hangs up.)
(Cut to Joe’s room. He is watching the channel news)
Anderson (on TV): Thank you all for coming down here at this late hour. I assure you I will be brief. There has been a lot of discussion about an attack ad that leaked online earlier this week. As I said many times over the past few days…
(Cut to the doctors’ lounge where the TV is also on. Masters is on a couch, reading a book. House enters.)
House: There you are. (Masters turns to him) I was starting to think that my holier-than-thou-dar was malfunctioning. Our patient's liver, kidneys, and lungs are failing. I need you to help me figure out why. (he sits down in front of her.)
Masters: As I recall, you have three actual doctors you haven't fired today.
House: They're in jail.
Masters: What? Why?
House: Prostitution. So you're rehired.
Masters (closes her book and focuses on the case): It all started in the liver, but where in the liver? If in the ducts, then primary biliary cirrhosis…
House: Yeah, I don't need to hear your ideas. Just return the volley.
Masters: Primary sclerosing cholangitis.
House: Nope. His vitamin A level is normal.
Masters: Gall bladder problems can affect the liver.
Masters looking at the TV): Shh! He's talking about our patient.
House: Did you just shush me?
Masters: Shh! (they both focus on the TV screen)
Anderson (on TV): And thought he was a friend. That is, until… He leaked this hurtful, hateful ad.
Masters: I think he's lying. Dugan said…
House: The technical term is speaking.
Anderson: Dugan violated my trust. And therefore, I have no other recourse than to fire him from my campaign. Thank you, and there will be no further questions. (House gets up. He just figured out something.)
House (walking to the door): Thanks for your help. Oh… And you're fired again.
(Cut to Joe’s room. House enters.)
House: He screwed you.
Dugan: That was a hell of a move. Use the ad to shore up the base, fire the extremist to hold the center.
House: No, I mean he actually screwed you. Taking weekend trips down to Bunbury. He's got a red blotch on his hand. That's palmar erythema. That, and the fact that he's got a permanent sheen of nixonian flop sweat. He's got hepatitis C, which explains all your symptoms.
Dugan: That's great, but the Senator and I have not had sex.
House: Well, then the two of you shot up together.
Dugan: How many high-functioning heroin users do you know?
House: Actually, quite a few. (he walks to a cupboard, opens it and picks up a syringe) Look, I know you've got hep C. So either you shared a bed together, you shared a needle, or you shared a straw. I'm talking about coke, not coke.
Dugan: You can get hep C from doing cocaine? Look, I will deny it.
House: Don't care.
Dugan: They tested me for hep C when I came in here. I don't have it.
House (puts the interferon syringe in Joe’s IV): Apparently your liver picked up a few of your campaign tactics. It's hiding all your secrets by producing cryoglobulins so the hep C tests come back negative. Now, I could look for all the associated toxins, but the plasmapheresis got rid of those. So basically, you've got a disease, but there's no way to prove it. It's pretty cool, huh?
Dugan: What is that?
House: This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis. (He leaves.)
(Cut to jail. The three men are sitting on a bench in the middle of the cell.)
Chase: When did your lawyer say he was coming to get us?
Taub: He said, and I'm quoting here, "soon."
Foreman: I know. The reason you hated Masters from the moment you saw her.
Taub: Come on.
Foreman: That was not the first time you saw her.
Chase: That is brilliant.
(A guy walks by them and sits down on the toilet behind.)
Taub: It's really not. Is that guy seriously using the toilet? Oh, my God, he's sitting down.
Foreman: Don't try to change the subject. Did you sleep with her?
Taub (uncomfortable): No wonder he's in jail. Anyone who would do that has no shame.
Chase (to Foreman): Or maybe he tried to sleep with her, and she shot him down.
Taub (sighs): I don't know her. (the man is grunting) Is he grunting? I think I hear grunting.
Foreman: You realize we're not gonna drop this.
Taub: I didn't sleep with her. I interviewed her for Hopkins med school.
Foreman: So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school?
Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Chase: Well, I barely remember you.
Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.
(The guy flushes the toilet.)
(Cut to the lobby. Masters walks down the stairs and into the lobby where House is waiting for her. He catches up and they both walk toward the main door)
House: Great news. I've decided to rehire you.
Masters: Find another sounding board.
House: Dugan's got hep C.
Masters: I'm not doing this.
House: He's not responding to interferon.
Masters: You must think I have absolutely no self-esteem. (She stops and turns to House.)
House: Ethics and self-esteem? You really are a pain in the ass. What treats hep C besides interferon?
Masters: Now you want me to talk?
Masters is pissed. She leaves.)
House: Come on, stop pretending you're not gonna do this. As much as you hate me, you hate failing more.
Masters: I didn't fail. You fired me. Repeatedly.
House: But if you walk away now, after I just rehired you, that's quitting.
Masters: A German research study showed that 15% of patients with hep C were cured after contracting hep A. Of course, other studies have shown that up to 85% of doubly-infected patients die very quickly. So, in theory, if we can find something that mimics hep A…
House: There's one thing that mimics hep A… Hep A. Good work. (Heading off the elevator.) You're fired.
(Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting behind her desk, House and Masters are standing in front of her.)
House: Hep A could cure him.
Cuddy: Better chance it'll kill him.
House: Tell the lab to release a hep A culture to me. We'll see who's right.
Cuddy: It's not an approved treatment and exposes us to liability. There's no way I can let you do this.
Masters: That's an extremely cowardly position.
(Both Cuddy and House look surprised by her reaction.)
House: Listen to the genius.
Cuddy: You're the one that insisted he run this by me.
Masters: It's proper protocol for an unconventional treatment. But we shouldn't compromise patient care just to avoid lawsuits.
Cuddy: What about the fact that we don't have any proof he actually has hep C?
Masters (whispers to House): That is a perfectly valid objection.
House (to Cuddy): Don't listen to her. She doesn't even work for me.
Cuddy: If you really think that this is the only way to cure him, I will risk the lawsuit. But I need to know that he actually has the disease. Get me proof.
House: I've given you…
Cuddy: Proof! Get me proof he has hep C, and then you can give him hep A.
House: I can't.
Cuddy: You'll figure something out. The two of you have combined I.Q. North of 300.
House: That's also true of five morons. (He leaves.)
Cuddy (to Masters): Go. Work. (Masters rushes out.)
(Cut to hallway to House’s office. House and Masters exit the elevator.)
Masters: So what do we do now?
House: Well, considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical…
Masters: Oh, right, yeah… I'm fired.
(She keeps on walking while House enters the Diagnostic room. The guys are back.)
House: Missed you.
House: We need a false positive hep C test.
Foreman: And why would we want to do that?
House: The world changes when you're on the inside. You just gotta roll with it once you get out.
Chase: You think he contracted hep C from the Senator, right? Test Anderson. If it's positive, that's evidence Dugan has it, too.
House: Evidence, not proof.
Taub: Are we presenting this to a jury of our peers? That should be enough for Cuddy.
House: Should be, but it won't be.
Taub: The test for hep C is 99.9% accurate. That means one in every thousand test is a false positive. We do enough, maybe we get lucky. (disgusted) I smell like jail.
House: False false positive. That's the best we can do? Okay, go do it.
(Cut to Wilson’s office. He is working, House enters, closes the door and sits down in front of him.)
House (embarrassed): I have a problem. A medical problem which could become… I have lied to Cuddy 10,000 times. How do you think she'd feel about 10,001?
Wilson: I think you probably already know the answer.
House: But it doesn't make any sense.
Wilson: You don't understand why a woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?
House: I wouldn't be lying as her boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.
Wilson: That's not how relationships work.
House: My patient is gonna die.
Wilson: Does the lie guarantee he'll live?
Wilson: You got two choices: To be honest and face the medical consequences, or lie and face the personal consequences.
(Cut to House’s office. He is lying on the floor behind his desk. The light, coming from outside, changes as the night goes by. House is deep in his thoughts.)
(Cut to an exam room, House is drawing blood from Senator Anderson’s arm)
Anderson: Now that you're my doctor, you, uh… You can't tell anybody, right?
House: Who'd leak a story about a sitting senator who got hep C from doing cocaine? You didn't fill out any paperwork. I'm gonna run this test under an assumed name. Trust me… No one will ever know you were here. (He writes Dugan’s name on the blood vial.)
(Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is reading the test results while House is standing in front of her.)
House: Blood test confirming hep C. He got sicker, his viral load came up, finally showed up on the test.
Cuddy: Thank you. There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. That means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.
House: I've come a long way, baby.
Cuddy (smiles): Now, if you would only hire a new team member.
House: I'm on it. (He leaves.)
(Cut to the cafeteria where Masters is working. House sits down in front of her.)
House: How'd you like to come work for me?
Masters: It's like I'm on a Mobius strip.
House: We've had this conversation. You want this job.
House: Prove yourself to me, no more games. At least, the current game ends. Others may start. You have my deeply-flawed word.
Masters: What do I have to do?
House: Get Dugan to let us give him hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a patient into a treatment that has an 85% mortality rate, here's some advice: Don't.
Masters: I'm not gonna lie to him.
House: You have a math degree. So let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying?
(Cut to Joe’s room.)
Masters: We're going to inject you with hepatitis A.
Dugan: That doesn't sound like medicine.
Masters: I know it seems counter-intuitive, but in some people, the virus can enhance immune function and clear out the hepatitis C. Some.
Dugan: How many we talking about?
Masters: A fair amount.
Dugan: Give me a percentage. What are the odds of this thing working?
Masters: There is an 85% chance that this will kill you.
Dugan: So, you wanna give me something that works 15% better than arsenic?
Masters: Well, technically, it works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0% chance. This is your only shot. Both Dr. House and I believe that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment. And then he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of those incidents came to light, he would be suspended and probably lose his license.
House: Oh, I'm sure some other people would suffer.
Masters: He's risking his career to give you this chance. He wouldn't do that if there was any other choice.
(They both exit the room)
Masters: I did it. And I didn't have to lie.
House: And you feel good about that?
House: So I'm hiring an idiot.
Masters: You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principals.
House: Or I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principals are. I don't want you to just lie to a patient. I want you to want to lie to a patient.
Masters: It's not gonna happen.
House: See you tomorrow.
(Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Masters walks in, Taub is already there, putting his lab coat on.)
Taub: I heard Dugan is already responding to treatment.
Masters: Yeah, his alt level is already beginning to normalize.
Taub: I wanted to apologize for the way…
Masters: Uh, wait… You interviewed me, right? For Hopkins?
Taub (Looking as if he just figured it out): Oh, my God, you're right. (Laughs) Wow, that memory of yours.
Masters: I wanted to say something the first day. I felt really awkward about the whole thing.
Taub: Don't worry about it. (looking at the sweater she is wearing) Is this grandma's tea cozy?
Taub: Nothing. I'll see you upstairs.
(Cut to House’s office, he is signing papers and Cuddy is looking at them over his shoulder.)
House: If I knew hiring her meant dealing with medical school paperwork, I might've reconsidered. You really got nothing better to do than watch me sign this?
Cuddy: And miss the ultimate admission that I was right about Masters all along?
House: She had me when she called you a coward. You gonna hang out?
Cuddy: I have to work late. Gloating requires a lot of paperwork.
She kisses him, slaps him on the butts and leaves his office with the papers, looking happy. House looks uncomfortable.)
(Cut to Joe’s room. He is watching the news channel: People are cheering Anderson who just won his campaign. Jos is happy.)
Anderson (on TV): Thank you, New Jersey for reelecting me to the United States senate. (Cheers and applause) We ran a positive campaign, a campaign about the dire issues facing this great nation. (Cheering) There are many people who gave their all for this campaign. But there is one person that stands out among them. My beautiful wife, Loretta. Loretta. (Applause) Thank you.
(Cut to the clinic. Cuddy enters, the nurse sitting at the desk stops her.)
Nurse: Do you know where the Senator's records are?
Cuddy: House was treating Anderson's campaign manager, not the Senator himself.
Cuddy: Why did you think he was the patient?
Nurse: House saw him in the clinic. I guess it wasn't medical.
Nurse: Friday. Around 3.
Cuddy: House's team ran a hep C test on Joe Dugan on Friday. Can you look up the time?
(The nurse does research on the computer.)
Nurse: Chase, Taub, and Foreman were running tests all night. All negative. Positive test at… 3:17 P.M. House ran it himself. Is everything okay?
Cuddy: I don't think so.
(Cuddy figures everything out. She looks very upset and heads for her office.)