Written by: Doris Egan
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes
Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Open on moments from “Help Me.” In the ambulance, House checks on Hanna.)
House : Damn it. I waited too long.
Charlie : Please, come on, do something! Come on, do something! Do something!
[Cut to the ambulance bay.]
Foreman : You couldn't have saved her.
[Cut to House’s bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror then rips it off the wall and smashes it into the tub. He picks up the two bottles of Vicodin that were hidden behind the mirror.]
Cuddy : [voice over] It's your choice if you wanna go back on drugs.
[House sits on the bathroom floor, staring at the pills. He looks up as Cuddy enters.]
House : You think I can fix myself?
Cuddy : I just need to know if you and I can work.
[He drops the pills. They stand together and clasp hands. Fade out.]
[Fade in on the bedroom. They are still holding hands. Cuddy strokes the area between House’s left thumb and forefinger with her right thumb. She reaches up and takes his jacket off.]
Cuddy : [softly] Let me see. [She peels the bandage off the wound on his neck.] It's okay. [He pulls his head away. She inhales sharply.] It's gonna get infected.
[She puts the bandage back in place and leaves the room. House continues standing exactly where she left him, as if he’s suffering from shock. He looks at his left hand and flexes it as Cuddy returns with a bucket and a towel.]
[Cuddy lifts the hem of House’s t-shirt and he raises his arms so she can undress him. She removes the bandage and wrings out a towel. She dabs the towel against his wound then wipes his chest and his left cheek with it. She puts down the towel and reaches for his waistband. House, who has been more completely passive than we’ve ever seen him, finally says something.]
House : Hey, you're not gonna... [He closes his eyes, embarrassed.] You are. [She slides off his jeans, kneeling in the process. His scar is at her eye level. She strokes it. He is upset.] No. Don't, don't.
Cuddy : It's okay. I love you.
[She leans forward and kisses his scar. He turns his head away. She takes hold of his hands and he helps her up. They kiss, gently. House takes off her shirt. They continue to embrace and stroke each other. House picks her up and puts her on the bed, which, fortunately, is only inches away. He leans over her and they continue to kiss. He slides his hand down her thigh.]
[Cut to Cuddy straddling House. His hands stroke her back.]
[Cut to House on top with Cuddy’s arms around him as they kiss.]
[Cut to morning. House lies on his back. His arm is wrapped around Cuddy, who is still asleep. She wakes up and rolls over to look at him.]
House : So now what?
Cuddy : [curling back onto her side] Everything's good. We don't have to talk through it all.
House : No, I meant it literally. Now what? We could make breakfast. We could go bowling. [He lifts the sheet, checks and drops it back in place.] We could stay here.
[Cuddy rolls toward House, pulling the sheet up in the process. His arm is still around her and he lightly strokes her arm as they talk.]
Cuddy : I have to go home and get dressed and go to work.
House : So that's it?
Cuddy : I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.
House : [very quietly] Yeah. [A cell phone rings. Cuddy reaches over and picks it up. They both look at the caller ID.] Your assistant's new. It's a 50/50 chance he just... can't find the light switch. [He takes the phone from her and answers it.] Hello?
Alex : Dr. Cuddy?
House : No, this is Dr. Cuddy's nanny. She's, uh, feeling a little under the weather now, so she won't be coming in today.
Alex : Oh. I hope she's all right. Would you mind asking her if—
House : No. Can't do that. I'm afraid she's locked in the bathroom. Terrible bug going around. What's the problem?
Alex : Well, I'm sorry to disturb her, but it's Dr. Richardson. He must have the same stomach flu. He threw up in the O.R., and I'm not sure how she'd want me to—
House : Hold on a second. [He pulls the phone away from his ear and holds it on his chest for a literal second before resuming the conversation] I've talked to Dr. Cuddy, and she would like you to do three things : One — send him home, two — sterilize the O.R., three — use your own brain. See ya. [to Cuddy] It's about puke. That's what's so important. Puke.
Cuddy : Well, I guess I don't have to rush back in. But whatever "now what" we do decide on... It comes after you take a bath.
[Cut to Diagnostics conference room]
Taub : Here's one. 25-year-old man with numbness and tingling in his legs and a speech disorder, three— "
Foreman : Anybody see House?
Taub : It's 10 :00 A.M. I'd be worried if he was here. This 25-year-old—
Foreman : He was in pretty bad shape yesterday after his patient died.
Chase : House has lost patients before. We all have. He's a big boy.
Foreman : You didn't see him.
Thirteen : Best thing we can do for him now is find him a new puzzle to solve.
Taub : Thus bringing us back to my 25-year-old—
Chase : Yet you're the only person here without a potential case in front of you.
Thirteen : I haven't found the right one yet.
Chase : Oh. I–I thought maybe it was because you were asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
Taub : I didn't say anything.
Chase : He didn't...I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally, I... steamed it open.
Foreman : What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Foreman : Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
Thirteen : [smiles, exhales sharply] Sure sounds like a no.
[Cut to House’s bathroom. House and Cuddy are on their knees next to the tub. They’re putting pieces of the broken mirror into a trashcan. He’s wearing a belted robe of striped pajama material. Cuddy is in a dark t-shirt.]
Cuddy : There's glass everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?
House : I was in a mood.
[Cuddy sees the two bottles of Vicodin. The phone rings in the other room. She grabs the pills and jumps up.]
Cuddy : I'll be right back.
House : Don't get that.
Cuddy : It could be important.
House : This is important. [She looks exasperated.] Right now, we are more important than what's going on at the hospital. So...I say we turn off our phones and... give the morning to us.
[He looks at her hopefully. She chews her lip for a second.]
Cuddy : Okay. I'll go turn it off.
House : Thank you. [She leaves. When she comes back, she sits on the edge of the tub. Her hands are empty.] You're distracted.
Cuddy : I'm not.
House : Yeah, you are. You turned off your phone but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"
Cuddy : I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
House : Richardson?
Cuddy : The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times, or else the hospital technically isn't a level one trauma center.
House : Which means?
Cuddy : I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the patients out of the ICU...
House : [gets up] Okay, stop. Turn around.
Cuddy : Why?
House : Because you need to relax.
[He rubs her shoulders and moves her toward the door to the living room.]
Cuddy : Where are we going?
[He nudges her out of the room and starts to close the bathroom door on her.]
House : I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers... transformative powers. But… I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.
[He closes the door as she smiles at him. He turns on the tub and leans into the bedroom. He picks up his cell phone.]
[Intercut between House and Chase. Chase is sitting at the conference table. His cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it.]
Chase : Hello?
House : Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?
Chase : Yeah. You got a note from Thirteen.
House : So how come we don't have, like, five neurosurgeons?
[House pulls a bottle of Old Spice aftershave off a shelf and empties it into the tub.]
Chase : Well, we had three, but Kapur retired, and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.
House : I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.
[He adds the contents of a green glass bottle.]
Chase : [scoffing] I'm not a neurosurgeon.
[A large bottle of Cool Mint Listerine becomes part of the transformative bath.]
House : Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
Chase : House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.
[House shakes a carton of Epsom Salts into the tub.]
House : If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative problem, not a medical one.
Chase : House, where the hell are you?
House : Great. Glad you're on it. [hangs up and calls to Cuddy] All systems go!
[Cut to doctors’ lounge. Thirteen is playing pool by herself. Foreman enters.]
Foreman : Why are you going to Rome? I found the flight information in your locker.
Thirteen : I love how everyone thinks it's so quaint and childlike of me to expect a modicum of privacy around here.
Foreman : Your flight's tomorrow. What's so urgent in Rome?
Thirteen : I hear they want to tear down the Coliseum to build a karaoke bar.
Foreman : The Buona Speranza Medical Center in Rome is doing a Huntington's trial.
Thirteen : Seriously, I live to sing.
Foreman : I know that they've been doing fetal neural transplantation. I also know that their subjects have increased risk of intracranial hemorrhage. This isn't the time to join a trial. This research is in its infancy. So's your condition.
Thirteen : [stops playing and faces him down] You read my note. You go through my locker. And then you decide you want to round it off by lecturing me on my life choices?
Foreman : I'm worried about you.
Thirteen : Oh. Well, that makes it all right then.
[She tosses the cue on the table and leaves.]
[Cut to the bathroom. House and Cuddy are in the bath. His arms are wrapped around her and their fingers are interlaced.]
House : So what, exactly, is this? It can still be open and casual and fun if you want.
Cuddy : Open? [She looks up at him.] You think I want to see other people?
House : Well, last night was emotional for you. [He kisses the top of her head.] We both lost that patient. We watched people die. I came back here and I went for the Vicodin, and you... dumped your fiancé and you came here.
Cuddy : Which I don't regret.
House : I'm not saying you do. I'm just saying it was an impulsive move.
Cuddy : Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?
House : [deep breath] You're right. [He squeezes his eyes shut.] That was very anti-secret bath.
[They lie there, comfortably, for a few moments.]
Cuddy : House.
House : Yeah.
Cuddy : The secret bath is... burning my lady parts.
House : How do you think my [whispers] anus feels? Burning means it's working.
Cuddy : Can we get out now?
House : I was so waiting for you to say that.
[They start to stand up.]
[Cut to Cuddy’s outer office. Alex is on the phone with a headset on. Chase and Foreman enter.]
Alex : Could I speak to Dr. Jankowski? No. I don't need to disturb him in Bermuda.
Foreman : Everything okay?
Alex : Dr. Cuddy's phone keeps going directly to voicemail, and I need to get a neurosurgeon to replace Dr. Richardson for the day or else she's screwed.
Chase : I'm a neurosurgeon.
Alex : [takes out earpiece and stares levelly at Chase] No. You're not.
Chase : I've cut into people's heads more often—
Alex : You did a residency in neurosurgery at the University of Melbourne, but you were never board-certified.
Foreman : You've worked here two days. How—
Alex : Dr. Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know everything about Dr. House's team... and not to believe anything any of them told me.
Chase : I'm... not a neurosurgeon?
[He sounds really puzzled as if it’s news to him. Alex shakes his head.]
[Cut to a small tray holding an upside down stainless mixing bowl, which House removes to reveal a small bowl of cereal and milk and a small plate with what might be bacon.]
House : And...voila! For the first course, I flaked some tender young ears of corn on the side of assorted exotic breakfast meats in a chili sauce reduction.
[Cuddy is curled up on the couch wearing a plain, dark t-shirt that’s hanging off her. House is dressed in jeans and a dark t-shirt. They’re both barefoot and dry.]
Cuddy : And the... second course?
House : [sitting] A single grape. To cleanse the palate. Which is kind of a waste, 'cause there is no third course.
Cuddy : I'm glad we stayed in. This is actually... pretty good.
House : I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.
Cuddy : I slept with my freshman roommate.
House : A lie.
Cuddy : A truth.
House : You have a tell.
Cuddy : What is it?
House : First admit that you were lying.
Cuddy : Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?
House : Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell.
Cuddy : Well, then you have to tell me something I don't already know about you.
House : Even though, technically, you didn't tell me something that I didn't already know about you.
Cuddy : Quit being so damn logical and just tell me.
[He takes a deep breath and thinks for a second.]
House : I used to have an intimate relationship with a photograph of you. Well, actually, a sock and a photograph.
Cuddy : I know.
House : I was lying.
Cuddy : The photo you took of me as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween. Why else would you take that picture?
House : I have to pee. [He gets up, holding his leg, and starts for the bathroom.] Ha! You can't tell. 'Cause actually, I have to poo.
[Intercut between the bathroom and a hall at PPTH. House takes his phone, which must be on vibrate, out of his pocket.]
House : [whispers] What?
Chase : Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head?
House : Perhaps you could follow the same advice.
Chase : He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to.
House : Sounds like you got the situation under control.
Chase : No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our E.R. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House.
House : Great. I've got every faith in your ability to solve the problem.
[He hangs up and heads for the door then turns back, flushes and leaves.]
[Cut to Diagnostics conference room.]
Thirteen : I have called every neurosurgeon within a 45-mile radius — nothing.
Chase : Maybe House is just testing us.
Taub : He's always testing us.
Foreman : Test or not, it's a problem.
Chase : It's not our problem. Why the hell is it House's problem?
Foreman : Where the hell is Cuddy? We either report this, and half the hospital gets shut down, or we cover it up and run the risk that the entire hospital gets shut down.
Thirteen : Or we get Richardson.
Foreman : He's sick.
Thirteen : And we're doctors. We get people better. [She leaves.]
Taub : Fing Fong Fooey?
[The guys get together and pump their fists a couple of times. Then they each stick out a number of fingers.]
Chase : Tchuh.
[Apparently he lost. He follows Thirteen.]
[Cut to House’s living room. Cuddy is wearing the robe House was wearing earlier. She has her hands over her eyes.]
Cuddy : Can I open them yet?
House : Just a second. [A few heavy steps are heard.] Okay. Hold out your hand.
[She puts out her right hand and keeps her eyes closed. Something made of steel and yellow metal is placed in her hand. There’s a whoosh as House pulls the sword out of the scabbard she’s holding. He’s wearing the pajama bottoms and a blue, button down shirt. He has a white towel draped over his shoulder.]
Cuddy : Oh...
House : [produces a bottle of champagne from behind his back] I always wanted to open a bottle of champagne with one of these things. You might wanna stand behind me for this.
[She puts down the scabbard and gets directly behind him, peering over his shoulder.]
House : Okay... [He slices the sword up the bottle and shatters it.] Yeah! [He and Cuddy are both laughing.] Mm, I think I might have... got that slightly wrong. Well, good thing I got a case.
[There is pounding on the front door.]
Wilson : [from the hallway] House, open up. We need to talk.
[House looks down, upset.]
Cuddy : [quietly] Just let him in.
House : No.
Wilson : [pounding again] House!
House : If we just ignore him, he'll go away.
Wilson : [more pounding] House!
[Cut to House and Cuddy on the couch.]
House : [whispering] I think he finally left. But just in case he hasn't, what can we do that does not involve talking? [She smiles and they lean in for a kiss. There’s a clanging noise. House’s phone, which is in the ice bucket, rings. He grabs it.] You turned on my ringer!
Wilson : [voice] I know you're in there. I can hear your cell phone ringing.
Cuddy : Just let him in.
House : No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor. [answering the phone] Hi. This is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worry. Beep!
Wilson : House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy gonna say?
House : If this is still Wilson... she gave me the day off. And tomorrow. [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow. But today. I'm fine. Now, go away. [pause] Beep!
Wilson : If you're not in tomorrow, I'll be back.
[House closes the phone and drops it. He looks at Cuddy and leans toward her. He puts his hand on her hip. Her hand is on the back of his neck. They kiss.]
[Cut to Richardson’s bathroom. He’s on the floor, wrapped around the toilet, looking like someone dug him up for the occasion. Thirteen and Chase stand in the doorway.]
Thirteen : Look, you're the only neurosurgeon we've got. You have to suck it up and go back to the hospital.
Chase : We're not asking you to operate, just to be there.
Richardson : Unless you can transport this t–toilet with me, I'm not leaving the room.
Chase : I'll get a bucket.
Richardson : You're missing the point. I ate bad sushi. I'm sick. Go away.
Chase : We can give you promethazine for the nausea.
Richardson : Already took it. And trimethobenzamide.
Thirteen : [quietly, to Chase] Maybe this isn't food poisoning.
Chase : Whatever it is, it must have damaged the lining of his stomach. Till that heals, nothing's gonna work.
Thirteen : So we need to treat both that and the nausea.
Chase : And whatever's wrong with him.
Thirteen : We give him ondansetron and prostaglandins.
Chase : And whatever's wrong with him. Neither of those will treat any possible underlying condition.
Thirteen : Who cares? He's not our patient. The hospital is.
Richardson : I can... hear you.
Thirteen : [crouching next to Richardson] You're pretty miserable, aren't you? Would you be willing to take a... fairly risky drug if it would make it all go away?
[Cut to House’s bedroom. Cuddy, naked and sweaty, flops onto the bed with House right behind her. He lands partially on top of her. They’re both breathing heavily.]
Cuddy : Why didn't you let him in?
House : You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I.
Cuddy : You were hiding me from him. Why?
House : I was not hiding you. I was protecting your privacy. Wasn't sure if you were ready to go public with the whole... "us" thing yet.
Cuddy : Why would I be doing all this if I wanted it to be private? [She sigh as she reaches down and picks up his blue, button down shirt. He strokes her back.]
Oh. I never even asked. [rolling over with the shirt over her chest] Maybe you're not ready yet.
[Cut to Richardson’s bedroom. Chase and Thirteen are playing chess.]
Chase : Have you read the list of side effects on those drugs? We could crash his BP.
Thirteen : I haven't heard a thump, so I assume he's still quietly puking.
Chase : We could be making him worse.
Thirteen : Bigger picture — we're making the hospital better. We can test for whatever you want to test him for once he's stable enough to get back to the hospital. Now, stop being a girl and move. [pause] So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial, and by ask, I mean give me your opinion?
Chase : No. There is one thing, though. Will you have sex with me?
Thirteen : What?
Chase : Well, this trial means you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.
[The bathroom door opens. Richardson is standing, in pants and a t-shirt.]
Richardson : Wow. That stuff is good.
Thirteen : Think you can make it back to the hospital?
Richardson : Uh-huh. That lamp is shiny. I mean, the way it shines is... shiny.
Chase : I take it this is one of the side effects of the drugs.
Thirteen : Who cares? Let's go.
[Cut to the bedroom. Cuddy is sitting on the far side of the bed, putting on the blue, dress shirt. House enters with a tripod. He’s wearing the robe.]
Cuddy : What are you doing?
House : You think I'm afraid to go public? I'm gonna prove you wrong.
Cuddy With a tripod?
House : With a sex tape. We'll send it to Wilson. It's a win-win. We get to do it again, and... he might actually learn something.
[There’s a sound from the other room.]
Cuddy : [whispers] It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
[House sets the tripod aside and picks up the sword.]
House It's probably nothing. Stay here.
[Cut to the kitchen. Wilson is halfway through the window, which has closed on his back. His top half is on a trolley. He is reaching behind himself, trying to push the window up. He stops when a sword comes to rest against his jawline.]
Wilson : Hey.
House : Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. [He lowers the sword then uses it to scoop the tea kettle from the stove.] Chamomile or English breakfast?
Wilson : Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
House : [fills the kettle] You didn't get my message earlier?
Wilson : Yeah. But as someone once told me, everybody lies.
House : [puts the kettle on the stove] I'm fine. Just staying home, chill-laxin'.
Wilson : Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
House : Or... I'm ignoring you for a different reason. [confidentially] Sex with my girlfriend.
Wilson : Hmm. [pushes at the window again] Will you please just — please let me in? [House slides the window up then wheels the trolley – and Wilson – into the kitchen. After a moment, Wilson lowers his feet from the window sill and stands.] Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
House : She's not a hooker.
Wilson : [looking around] What are — wha — really?
House : Begins with "C", ends with “uddy.”
Wilson : [huge sigh] How many Vicodin have you taken?
House : I'm serious. Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There's an "I" in Cuddy.
Wilson : House... it's okay. Almost all addicts relapse a few times.
House : [gesturing for Wilson to follow him] She's in my bedroom.
Wilson : You're hallucinating, House.
House : [calling as they walk down the hall] Honey buns! We got company.
[Cut to the bedroom. The tripod is there. Cuddy isn’t. House sighs and looks at Wilson who is in his lecture posture with his hands on his hips.]
[Cut to the kitchen. House sits on the butcher block island, dangling his bare legs and feet. Wilson checks his eyes with a pen light.]
Wilson : Pupils are normal. Pulse is normal.
House : Better than that. They're both totally awesome. I'm not on drugs.
Wilson : So... why did you lie about Cuddy?
House : To make a point. Probably something to do with shutting you up. It's my go-to idea.
Wilson : You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watching monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better.
House : No. You go.
Wilson : House... you could have died. You had a patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone.
House : I know. That's why I called a hooker. [hops down and escorts Wilson to the living room] Now, go away. 'Cause... you'll be extra.
Wilson : Are you really okay?
House : Are you gonna break in again? You checked my pulse. You checked my pupils. I'll mail you the urine sample.
[Wilson leaves. Sound of the front door closing.]
[Cut to Cuddy sitting in the dark. Sound of a door opening. House steps back to inspect Cuddy who is hiding in his wardrobe. She looks embarrassed.]
[Cut to an exam room. Richardson lies on the table. Alex watches as Thirteen and Taub check him over.]
Richardson : How come I've never even m–met you guys? Y–you're like the greatest... guys. [looks at the overhead light fixture] You know fluorescent lights flicker at the same frequency as the human brain?
Taub : You know the human brain doesn't flicker?
Alex : Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he can't perform brain surgery. What's wrong with him?
Taub : High... blood sugar. [Thirteen nods.] He'll be fine as soon as we rehydrate him.
Richardson : That's a relief.
Alex : [checks his watch] Thank God. DPH guy will be here in 20 minutes.
[Taub watches him leave and turns back to Thirteen.]
Taub : What is wrong with him?
Richardson : High blood sugar. You just said so.
Thirteen : Chase is running labs. Right now the top two contenders are hepatitis and peptic ulcer disease.
Taub : So... is today really your last day?
Thirteen : Flying out tomorrow.
Taub : How long a leave are you taking?
Thirteen : Depends.
Taub : On the drug trial. Sounds risky.
Thirteen : Yadda, yadda. You don't think I should do it. Message heard.
Taub : No. I approve. Living fast and dying young is crap. If you have a chance to get better... I say good for you.
[Cut to House’s bedroom. House is sitting at the desk. Cuddy is standing, facing him. At some point she donned the pajama pants to go with House’s dress shirt. He’s upset.]
House : I brought Wilson in here specifically to go public, just like you requested.
Cuddy : I pressured you. Wilson coming through the window pressured you. If you're forced into this, it's not gonna work. [long pause] Do you have any response to that?
[House moves some things on his desktop and picks up a nice, wood Boggle board.]
House : Game on.
[Cut to Chase and Alex walking down the hall. Malkin, the DPH guy is a few feet behind them.]
Alex : Is he better?
Chase : Yep.
Alex : You're lying to me again, aren't you?
Chase : Yep.
Alex : Then we're screwed. Don't we have to tell—
[They reach a double door with windows and stop.]
Chase : Oh! Damn. [turns to Malkin] Dr. Richardson's prepping for surgery.
Malkin : Yeah. I need to talk to him.
Chase : He's prepping for surgery.
Malkin : So you said. I just need to confirm he is who you say he is and that he's a licensed neurosurgeon.
Chase : Well, here's his paperwork. [Malkin puts on his glasses to inspect the papers on the clipboard Chase hands him.] His hospital I.D.'s right there. You can... see it's him.
Malkin : Yeah. I should still talk to him.
Chase : They've already scrubbed. He'd have to be re-sterilized. The patient's anesthesia would have to be adjusted.
Malkin : [takes off his glasses. to Alex] Why did you report he wasn't here?
Alex : I must have... misunderstood.
[Malkin hands Chase the clipboard and turns to leave. Inside the OR, Taub runs toward the door. The door bursts open. Richardson comes out, followed by Taub and Foreman.]
Richardson : Oh... why... why... why is it so... so hot in there? Oh! [He pulls off his mask, followed by the shirt of his scrubs. Malkin stares.] Ahh. [Richardson turns, untying his pants as he leaves.] La-dee-dah. Woodstock, baby.
[Richardson waddles away wearing a surgical mask around his neck, baggy white underpants and his scrub pants around his ankles. He turns back once to flash a peace sign, stumbling slightly.]
Malkin : Is he stoned?
Chase : No. We're pretty sure he's got—
Malkin : Oh, I'm sure you have an explanation, but I don't care. See, you need to have a doctor on the premises who can actually do neurosurgery. Tell the attending to divert all ambulances away and start calling other hospitals and see who can take your stabilized ICU patients. Those departments are shutting down.
[Cut to House’s living room. He’s on the couch, Cuddy sits on the floor, facing him. The coffee table is between them. They’re checking off words from a game of Boggle.]
Cuddy : "Design" for five points.
House : Got it.
Cuddy : "Hear."
House : Got it. Both versions.
Cuddy : "Love." [pause. He looks up.] You didn't see love.
House : Wow. I didn't think you'd take my lack of board game skills so personally.
Cuddy : Why didn't you tell me you loved me?
House : Didn't a wise woman once say — and by once, I mean two hours ago — "why do you have to analyze everything to death? Why can't this just be nice?"
Cuddy : [puts down her pad] I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern?
House : No. 'Cause words don't matter. Actions matter.
Cuddy : You're really gonna take a stand here. You can't say—
House : Nope.
Cuddy : Why?
House : Because... I forgot to grab a "v."
[He lays a strip of Boggle cubes on the table. It says ILOBEYOU.]
Cuddy : Lobe. Gets you one point. One.
[Cut to an ICU at the hospital. Malkin observes as patients are being moved.]
[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. It’s night and the blinds to the hallway are drawn. Richardson sits against the wall. There’s a lamp on next to him. Taub and Thirteen are at the table. Foreman, unseen, is at his usual place at the far end. Chase enters.]
Chase : Labs show he's negative for everything.
Taub : I'm guessing at least one of them is wrong.
Thirteen : Who cares? The E.R. and the ICU are half-empty and the place is crawling with suits. It's over.
Chase : You do know we still have a sick patient here. Right? He's the guy sitting right behind you, taking off his clothes again.
Taub : [running over to Richardson] Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, why don't you just sit down and take it easy?
Chase : He should be coming down by now.
Richardson : And yet... I'm not.
[He’s happy. Taub eases him back into his chair.]
Foreman : What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
Chase : Thank you. What causes delirium and nausea?
Taub : He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental.
Richardson : [undoing his shirt cuffs] Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. [They all stare at him.] Freedom is my birthright.
Foreman : Where did you go?
Richardson : The Seafood Festival at the Convention Center.
Thirteen : We're screwed. Seafood Festival has stuff from all around the world in combinations nobody ever thought of. We could be here all year.
Chase : [leaning in close] You had shrimp?
Richardson : Uh-huh.
Chase : And crab? Lobster?
Richardson : Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Chase : And...
Richardson : I ate whatever looked good.
Thirteen : [has an idea] Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs?
Richardson : Nummy!
Thirteen : Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high. If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting. [Richardson is smiling and unbuttoning his shirt.] If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon.
[Cut to Houses bed. House is wearing a 17” Macbook Pro. Cuddy, lying on her stomach, is wearing less, but she does have a sheet pulled up to her waist.
Cuddy : Um... France. And not Paris or the Rivera, but there's this place in Normandy. It's on a... a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called...
House : Mont Saint-Michel?
Cuddy : That's it. Have you been there?
House : Nope. But I got a pretty good idea what it looks like. [He turns the computer toward her, taps a button and the screen is filled with a picture of Mont Saint-Michel.]
Cuddy : H–how did you know?
House : You used to have a picture of it as a screensaver.
Cuddy : That was years ago.
House : I guess it's a memorable place. [turns the computer toward himself again] Now, unfortunately, we can't fly straight to Normandy, but the layover in London's only a couple of hours.
Cuddy : What are you talking about?
House : It's all there. [shows her a screen of travel information] All you gotta do is click confirm, and we're eating croissant and being insulted by stinky people this time tomorrow. Don't worry. I used Wilson's credit card.
Cuddy : I can't.
House : I'm kidding. I used your credit card.
Cuddy : House...
House : The hospital does not need your body. I do.
Cuddy : So does my daughter.
House : Well, she can come too. Or to grandmother's house she can go.
Cuddy : This is crazy.
House : [His face starts to get the closed, guarded look it usually has.] So...you break off your engagement, but you won't adjust your schedule.
Cuddy : I can't. Not... tomorrow. But... two weekends from now. If Rachel's gonna stay with my mom, I'm gonna need a little bit of prep time.
House : [His face softens and he smiles slightly.] Okay.
[Cut to patient room. Foreman closes a curtain. Richardson is on the bed. Thirteen is adding something to his IV.]
Richardson : What if it doesn't work? What if I stay this way forever?
Thirteen : The antidote works quickly. If we're right, you should be back to your old self in no time.
Richardson : My old self was boring. Can't we keep the new self?
Thirteen : Just lay down, and stop unbuttoning.
Foreman : I'm sorry that I read your note and looked in your locker.
Thirteen : You get used to that kind of thing around here.
Foreman : Do you have anyone going with you to Rome?
Thirteen : Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else?
Foreman : I hope you are. I mean... I hope you have someone with you. If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel. You shouldn't be alone. If you want... I could fly over for a few days. Friends.
Thirteen : I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay. I guess we took the long way around to being friends, huh?
[They reach across the bed and clasp hands.]
Richardson : I guess we all did.
[He puts his hand on theirs.]
[Cut to House’s living room. House is in khakis and a t-shirt. Cuddy is back in her pink scrubs. She stands on her toes to kiss him gently.]
Cuddy : Thank you. For everything.
House : You're welcome. For everything.
Cuddy : I'll see you tomorrow. [She goes to the door. He hasn’t moved. His head hangs a bit.] I really do have to leave.
House : [nods, quietly] I know.
Cuddy : What's the problem?
House : This isn't gonna work.
[She stares at him.]
Cuddy : That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up.
House : It's just a statement of fact. It's not a debatable proposition.
Cuddy : Right. Because you can see the future.
House : No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.
[Cuddy thinks, and swallows hard.]
[Cut to the ICU. Alex approaches Malkin.]
Alex : Mercy doesn't have enough room in their ICU to handle the overflow, so—
Chase : Don't worry about it. [He, Richardson and Thirteen stride up. Richardson is wearing a suit and tie.] I believe you wanted to talk to Dr. Richardson, our neurosurgeon?
Richardson : I'm sorry that we met under such trying circumstances. I hope you restore our rating as a level one Trauma Center and reopen the E.R. and the ICU immediately.
Thirteen : An accidental case of poisoning. Dr. Richardson has been treated and is ready to resume work.
Malkin : Hmm. Touch your nose with your index finger and tell me how you treat a cerebral contusion.
Richardson : [doing it with each hand in turn] Uh, I–I–I would watch for edema and transtentorial herniation.
Malkin : Good enough. Turn it around.
[He heads in one direction, the team, Alex and Richardson in the other.]
Chase : [to Alex] You're gonna be up late. Next time... [whispers] Avoid responsibility. [to Thirteen] Cake? Taub thought we should have a little party to see you off properly. He gets sentimental about these things.
Thirteen : I never should have flashed him.
Chase : Speaking of which... Earlier today I asked you about... having sex. You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no. However, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I... didn't follow up and confirm. See? It's the same look. So if it didn't mean no the first time, then...
Thirteen : No. No. No, no. No.
Chase : [smiling] Okay. No pressure.
Thirteen : Does that method ever work?
Chase : At least once. [She smiles and hugs him tightly.] Mm, I'm, um... Getting mixed signals.
Thirteen : See you at the cake.
[She hurries off.]
[Cut to House’s living room. He and Cuddy are sitting on the couch. She looks frustrated, he looks miserable.]
Cuddy : The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.
House : 'Cause it doesn't.
Cuddy : You don't know that.
House : I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again to you. But because of one stupid moment with a dying girl and a pile of rubble... you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.
Cuddy : I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. [near tears] You are always gonna be... the most incredible man I have ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
[She takes his hand, leans in and kisses him then gets up to leave. He holds onto her hand and looks up at her.]
House : [quietly, sincerely] I love you.
[Good Days by Joe Purdy starts playing in the background. Cuddy smiles down at House.]
♪♫ Oh, yeah, and later on we took a southbound train
[Cut to the conference room. Foreman sits, alone, with a cake that’s inscribed “Happy Bar Mitzvah Ephraim.”]
♪♫ Yeah, and it was cold out
♪♫ Yeah, it was freezing down rain
♪♫ Yeah, and it'll let up if we all screamed for the change
[Chase and Taub enter.]
Taub : [looking around] Where's Thirteen?
Foreman : I don't think she's coming.
Chase : What's going on?
Foreman : She's not going to Rome.
Taub : You mean she changed her mind?
Foreman : I called the hospital in Rome to see when she was schedule for surgery.
Chase : Why would you—
Foreman : Doesn't matter. Point is, she's not even in the trial. Never heard of her. She's been lying to us all day.
Chase : Well, have you tried—
Foreman : Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone.
♪♫ No, no, just the good days
♪♫ Yeah, yeah, just the good days
[Cut to House and Cuddy in the doorway to his apartment. They kiss. She lays her hands on his arms.]
Cuddy : [smiling] It's gonna be great.
House : [almost inaudible] Yeah.
[He smiles as he closes the door.]
♪♫ Just the good days.
[On opposite sides of the closed door, they each continue to smile for a moment. Then the smiles fade, replaced by contemplative, very worried looks.]