Written by: David Hoselton
Directed by: Juan José Campanella
Transcribed by: Tammy (beckston)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Scene opens on a wonderful shot of a bride standing in front of a leaded glass window on a sunny day. Birds are chirping in the background, and it is very peaceful. Footsteps are heard and a man (her father) approaches from behind her. She turns and smiles at him]
Nicole’s Father: Hey.
Nicole’s Father: The car's full of gas. (She gives him a look of exasperation) You sure?
Nicole: And if I'm not?
Nicole’s Father: You'll be paying me back for those damn invitations.
Nicole: Oh, well, then never mind. (They both laugh) Ted is a wonderful man, dad. He's the second greatest guy I ever met.
[An organ starts to play in the background]
Nicole’s Father: Guess that's us.
[Cut to father and daughter walking arm and arm down the center isle of a beautiful old church. Shots of the flower girl and the groomsmen are interspersed with the trip down the isle. They reach the front of the church where the groom waits for his bride. Nicole’s father gives her a kiss]
[The scene is now on Ted and Nicole at the alter. They smile and giggle at one another]
Reverend Bowden: Into this Holy estate, these two persons present now come to be joined. And so if any person may show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
[Nicole and Ted turn to look at the congregation. No one speaks]
Reverend Bowden: That's what I like to hear. Do you, Theodore Philip Taylor, take Nicole Margaret Murray to be your wife, and promise before God and these witnesses to be her loving and faithful husband, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live?
Ted: I— I— (He doesn’t seem to be able to speak)
Nicole: (whispering) This isn't funny, Ted.
[Ted puts his hand on his chest]
Reverend Bowden: Are you all right?
[Ted’s hand moves up to his throat and he appears to be in pain]
[Ted gasps for air and then falls to the floor. The congregation stands, crying out as Ted falls. Nicole kneels on the floor beside him and takes his hand]
[Scene opens on Wilson waking up in the morning. He turns to snuggle up to Sam sleeping beside him, and kisses her cheek.
Sam: What time is it?
Wilson: (kissing her shoulder) Happy time.
Sam: (kissing him) I’m still asleep.
Wilson: Just think of this as a dream.
[They kiss again]
Sam: What about House?
Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare.
Sam: He's in the next room.
Wilson: Sound asleep. (Their kissing grows more passionate)
[Cut to House sprawled fully clothed and face down on a bed with rocket ship sheets. He snores, waking himself up. A close-up of the headboard shows stuffed animals and action figures. House rolls over and sees a small boy standing by the bedroom doorway]
[House looks around the room. The boy’s mother can be heard in the background]
Esteban’s Mother: (from another room) Esteban, start getting ready.
[Esteban and House look at each other]
[Cut back to Sam and Wilson. They are startled by loud banging on the front door. Wilson gets out of bed]
[Cut to Wilson flinging open the front door. House is standing outside the door flanked by two police officers]
House: I met the neighbors.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know this man?
Wilson: (giving House a dirty look) Hmm.
[Cut to the main lobby of PPTH. Cuddy is on the phone at the main desk and House can be seen entering the hospital. He is wearing sunglasses]
Cuddy: (talking on the phone) I don't need a temporary. I need a permanent. Yesterday. Please do.
[She hangs up the phone as House approaches the desk]
House: Good morning.
Cuddy: Hardly. One of my P.A.s quit an hour ago, and I have to reshuffle next month's schedule.
[Cuddy looks harried, and is holding a handful of pink message slips. She leans over looking for the schedule book. A male nurse (Jeffrey) standing at the desk has it tucked under his arm and he hands it to her]
House: (checking his own message slips) That's nothing. I woke up in the wrong bed this morning.
Nurse Jeffrey: Any bed you're in is the wrong one.
House: (looking at Jeffrey over the top of his sunglasses) That’s not what your mama said. (snapping his fingers in the air) Oh! Snap.
Nurse Jeffrey: I'll be going now. (He closes a file and leaves) To Human Resources.
House: He started it. It was the neighbor's kid's bed. Luckily, Esteban still likes sleeping with mommy.
Cuddy: How drunk were you?
House: About yea drunk.
Cuddy: Are you okay? You shouldn't be drinking at all, much less—
House: You sound just like Esteban's mom.
Cuddy: I need you in the clinic.
House: Sorry, I'm busy.
[Chase approaches the desk]
House: (to Chase) Tell me you have a case. You know, even if you don't.
Chase: I have a case.
House: Sounds interesting. I'll take it. (They walk away from Cuddy) I owe you one. Now tell me you don't have a case.
Chase: I really do have a case.
House: We're even.
[Cut to House and Chase approaching Ted’s bed in the ER. Nicole is by his bedside. Taub is there also]
House: You guys know how to honeymoon. (He tosses his cane and then his backpack to Chase)
Taub: This is Dr. House. (to House) Aphasia and syncope.
Nicole: He can't speak.
House: "Aphasia" is Greek for loss of voice.
[House examines Ted’s eyes with a lighted scope]
Chase: We've ruled out infection, vocal cord damage, and stroke.
House: (looking at Nicole) A lot of guys syncope at the altar. It's Greek for "having the vapors."
Taub: We ruled out all the common causes of fainting: Low blood pressure, hypoglycemia, dehydration.
[House reaches for and unwraps a tongue depressor, which he uses to look inside Ted’s mouth]
House: Don't say "ah."
Nicole: Do you know what it is?
House: (tossing the tongue depressor in the trash) Roll on your side and lift up your gown.
[Ted does as he is told while House gets a syringe out of a drawer]
House: There's one thing they didn't test for.
Nicole: A test for what?
[He uses the syringe to stab Ted in the side]
House: Test was positive.
Ted: (rolling back over) I— I can— I can talk. I— I wasn't faking. My voice just came back right now.
House: Hey, I'm not the one you have to convince.
Nicole: I know he wasn't faking.
House: Well, if she's buying that, she might just be a keeper.
Taub: What about the syncope?
House: Well, the— (House pretends to faint and collapses onto Ted’s bed)
House: Is she buying this too?
Nicole: Why would he fake anything?
House: (getting up off the bed) Kryo podia. It's Greek for "duh." (taking his cane and backpack from Chase) Still, you get to keep the engagement ring.
[House leaves. Taub hurries after him]
Taub: I don't think he was faking.
House: That's because you're more gullible than I am. (they stop at the elevator) For instance, I don't believe that you called off your open marriage. I believe your wife called it off, and you called off telling her that you weren't calling it off. A guy doesn't just throw a golden ticket in the trash.
[The elevator arrives and they both get in]
Taub: The same way a guy doesn't give up a lucrative medical practice to come work for you?
House: That's exactly why you dabble. You're compensating for your professional conquests with sexual ones.
Taub: I'm not that predictable. For example, you're probably not expecting me to ask you out for dinner tonight.
House: No, thanks.
Taub: You won't even consider it?
House: I did, just very quickly.
Taub: The truth is, since I called this thing off, my wife has been very grateful and I could do with a down night. If I go out with the boss, nobody can blame me.
House: Okay. If you bring your wife.
Taub: No. That's the point. I need a little—
House: You're lying.
Taub: I'm not lying.
House: Then I'm not going.
[The elevator doors open. House walks out, leaving Taub standing in the elevator]
Taub: Okay. Fontina at 8:30.
[House looks back at Taub as the elevator doors close again]
[Cut to Ted and Nicole standing outside the PPTH ER]
Ted: You believe me, right?
Nicole: Of course I believe you.
Ted: Then let's do it. We'll tell a cab to take us to AC right now and get it done.
Nicole: You're serious? You just walked out of the emergency room.
Ted: Exactly. I walked out. I feel great.
Nicole: Well, we do have the clothes for it.
[Ted laughs and then starts coughing]
Nicole: Ted, what's wrong? Are you— what's wrong? Oh, my God. Can somebody help us? (Ted collapses to his knees and a nurse runs toward them) Please! Please hurry. Just breathe. Oh, my God.
[Cut to House entering a radiology viewing room. The entire team is present]
House: There's gotta be a better way to call off a wedding. A Tweet, for example.
[House and Foreman look at a scan of Ted’s lungs]
Foreman: Pleural effusion.
Taub: You think his lung is faking it?
Foreman: There's at least 200 ccs of fluid in there.
House: (turning around to look at the team) Okay, let's say all his symptoms are real. Explain how one of them suddenly went away without using the words "virgin" or "Mary."
Foreman: If the pleural effusion's caused by something systemic, it could explain his other two symptoms. And so whether you believe him or not, all we have to figure out is what caused the PE.
Chase: ER ruled out infection. Eosinophil count ruled out parasites.
House: A medication he's not telling us about.
Taub: You really don't trust this guy, do you?
House: I don't even trust the ER. Let's rule out infections ourselves. Tap his lungs, send cultures, run cytology for cancer, and check his blood pressure.
Chase: We already—
House: This time, talk about nuptials while you do it. Check his home for everything else.
Thirteen: He just moved in with his fiancee three months ago. Toxic exposure could take longer than that to manifest.
House: (to Foreman) You check his love nest. (to Taub and Thirteen) You two check his swinging bachelor pad.
Taub: That somebody else now lives in?
House: I assume so.
[Cut to Taub and Thirteen outside the door of Ted’s old house]
Taub: Not the glass. No.
[Thirteen breaks out a glass pane and reaches inside to unlock the door. Taub sighs]
Taub: The place looks like...1960s? Could have lead paint.
Thirteen: (looking in the cabinet under the kitchen sink) You think a 27-year-old has pica?
Taub: If it gets us out of here before the owner comes back, yes.
Thirteen: What'd you tell that cute physio?
Taub: (sniffing a used coffee cup) That I changed my mind.
Thirteen: No, you didn't. You're more nervous than usual.
Taub: Because this B and E has actual B.
Thirteen: (looking up) That's a suspended ceiling.
[She pulls out a kitchen chair and climbs up on it]
Taub: What are you doing?
Thirteen: I want to see what's above it.
Taub: More ceiling.
[She pushes up on a ceiling panel to reveal the original ceiling above]
Thirteen: Made of 40-year-old acoustic tile.
Taub: Asbestosis. I like it. I'll be in the car.
Cotter: (finding strangers in his house) What the hell?
Taub: Uh, it's okay. We're doctors. Nobody was home, so—
Cotter: (standing in the kitchen doorway) Well, I'm calling the police.
Thirteen: (getting down off the chair) Do you know Ted Taylor? He used to live here.
Cotter: Yeah. What about him?
Thirteen: He's our patient at Princeton Plainsboro.
Cotter: Is he okay?
Thirteen: We think he may have asbestosis from your ceiling tiles.
Cotter: They're not asbestos. I had 'em checked when I moved in. How sick is he?
Taub: Is he a friend of yours?
Cotter: He was. Actually, he was my boyfriend for three years.
[Cut to Ted’s room at PPTH]
Ted: I'm not gay.
House: Really? 'Cause it would certainly explain the cold feet. Oh, and the boyfriend.
Taub: So you're bisexual?
Ted: No, I'm straight. Cotter, the guy you met, he's gay. He had a crush on me. I left.
Thirteen: After three years?
House: Well, it's possible. It doesn't mean you're gay just 'cause the guy you're sleeping with is.
Ted: We weren't sleeping together. What's this got to do with anything?
Taub: Lung tap turned up mononucleosis. ER doesn't routinely test for it. It explains the PE and can be virtually asymptomatic.
House: So we got to wondering, how does a 27-year-old get mono? You're a little old for the kissing disease, unless your immune system is compromised.
Thirteen: If there's been any unprotected sex, we'll need to test for HIV.
Ted: There's been no sex of any kind.
House: Okay. I'll go test your fiancee for HIV. Is she the curious sort?
Ted: Wait. There may have been some (pause) contact, but I'm not gay.
House: Sodomy, one of the top ten most common household accidents.
Ted: I did a lot of stupid things, but I turned my life around. I'm as straight as any of you. (Thirteen starts to say something, then thinks better of it.)
Ted: You don't have to believe me. I'm just saying you can test me... As long as you don't tell Nicole.
Thirteen: What business is it of hers? (House and Thirteen leave)
[Cut to Chase, Thirteen, and Taub in the lab]
Chase: I don't see anything wrong with him marrying a straight woman.
Thirteen: How about, it'll make them both miserable?
Chase: Just like most straight marriages. He's got the right to life, liberty, and unhappiness, like the rest of us. (He looks at Taub)
Taub: Absolutely no reason to look at me.
Chase: I'm not saying it's a great choice. Just saying it's his choice.
Thirteen: It has to be hers as well, which it can't be as long as she doesn't know he's gay.
Chase: Which is how it's gonna stay since we have no right to tell her.
Thirteen: Like you've never bent the rules.
Chase: You date guys. You date girls. I assume at some point, you're gonna make a choice.
Thirteen: I don't lie about who I am.
Chase: Patients lying never bothered you before.
Taub: Patients weren't lying about their sexual orientation before.
Chase: So you're only judgmental when it gets personal.
Thirteen: Does it bother me that people hurt others because they're too weak to face the truth? Yeah. Sorry about that. (She looks over at Taub also)
Taub: Tell me she's not looking at me.
[Taub pushes a button on a machine and the test results are printed out. He pulls it off the printer and holds it up for Chase and Thirteen to see]
Chase: He's negative?
Taub: Yep. Looks like being gay didn't make him sick.
Thirteen: So maybe being straight did.
[Cut to Thirteen talking to Ted in his room]
Thirteen: The test was negative. No HIV.
Ted: I told you.
Thirteen: What you didn't tell us is how you turned your life around. It can be pretty hard.
Ted: It was.
Thirteen: Downright impossible on your own.
Ted: I talked to some people.
Thirteen: It was more than just talk, wasn't it? I know this is personal stuff. I'm here to help you, not out you.
Ted: I had therapy.
[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The team is gathered around the table. Thirteen is telling House and the team about her conversation with Ted]
Thirteen: Conversion therapy. Went to a camp for three weeks of intensive rehabilitation. They injected him with emetics while he watched gay porn.
Thirteen: Or lithium chloride or cyclophosphamide. He doesn't know. And when that didn't work, they shot him up with male hormones.
Foreman: A chemical assault like that could explain the PE.
Thirteen: And the ECT explains the rest.
Taub: They gave him electroconvulsive therapy to make him straight?
House: To zap the fabulous right out of him.
Thirteen: Neural damage accounts for the aphasia.
Foreman: ECT doesn't cause neural damage.
House: Unless it was done at Dr. Liberace's he-man quackery camp. Run an EEG. See if they straightened him or just scrambled him.
[Cut to House sitting alone at a table in a restaurant. Taub rushes in the door]
Taub: (sitting down across from House) Sorry. I completely forgot. My wife just started a ceramics class Tuesdays at 8:00. It's a half-hour drive from here. She won't be back till 10:30. (He looks up at House, who doesn’t believe him) She's taking it with her girlfriend Marly. She hopes to make a tea service. You want to call her?
House: No need. I already texted her. And here she is now.
[Taub turns around and sees his wife just coming in the door. He smiles nervously and waves to her]
House: (leaning in close) I think you're still seeing the physio. (Taub turns back to House) You've got a backup suit in your car. Don't want to be bringing home da stank.
Taub: (talking quietly and quickly) Okay, yes, you're right, about everything. But please, House. Don't tell her.
[Rachel comes to the table. Taub gets up and House smiles gleefully]
House: Hi, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi, Dr. House. I didn't know you'd be here. (Rachel and Taub kiss, and House stands up) Hi, honey. Got your text, obviously.
House: (looking very pleased with himself) I'm just leaving. I've got a ceramics class.
Rachel: (looking surprised) Really?
House: I love it. Even managed to talk Chris into signing up for one. Of course, he's in the beginners' class.
Rachel: (looking at Taub) You're in a ceramics class?
House: Friday nights, right?
Taub: Friday nights. Sounded like fun.
House: You should join Chris'.
[House pulls out the chair for Rachel and she sits down]
Rachel: You know, I should.
House: Well, gotta go. Making a tea service. (He pats Taub on the shoulder as he leaves)
[Cut to Nicole fixing her hair outside Ted’s room. Chase and Foreman are in the room performing the EEG. Nicole sees Thirteen standing at the nurses station and approaches her]
Nicole: Hi, I must have fallen asleep in the lounge. What are they doing?
Thirteen: An EEG.
Nicole: What's it for?
Thirteen: We're looking for neurological damage that could have caused his symptoms.
Nicole: Damage from what?
Thirteen: A head trauma.
Nicole: He had an accident?
Thirteen: It wasn't an accident. It was before he met you.
Nicole: Well, what happened? Was he hospitalized?
Thirteen: You should ask him about it. (She is watching Foreman and Chase in Ted’s room) They have the results.
[Thirteen and Nicole go into Ted’s room]
Foreman: (looking at the test results) Everything looks normal.
Chase: (watching a brain wave printout) Look at this.
Foreman: Beta waves are spiking.
Nicole: What's that mean?
Foreman: I'm not sure.
[A machine starts beeping. Ted’s eyes roll back in his head]
Chase: He's coding. Crash cart.
Nicole: What's happening to him?
Foreman: He's having a heart attack.
[Foreman puts the bed down flat. Chase grabs the defibrillator and Thirteen squirts them with conductive jelly]
Charging. Clear. (Chase shocks Ted with the defibrillators)
[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. Taub is at the sink getting coffee. House is leaning against the bookcase and Chase, Thirteen, and Foreman are sitting at the table]
Foreman: EKG showed no abnormalities.
Chase: So what caused the arrest?
House: Four ways to stop a heart. (He walks toward Taub) Electrical problems, restricted blood flow, blood where it shouldn't be, shocks, blocks, or bleeds.
Chase: I think that's three things.
House: (looking at Taub) And cheating. (he guffaws) Oh, no. Sorry. That's how you break a heart.
Taub: (to House) I found a ceramics class in Trenton on Friday nights that was full so my wife couldn't join me. (turning to address the team) EP study ruled out shocks.
House: Now you just have to find some pottery by Taub. The lamer it looks, the better.
Foreman: So we'll do an angio to see if it's blocks or bleeds.
House: You should be a doctor.
[Foreman and Chase get up to go, Taub shakes his head and also leaves. Thirteen gets up and goes over to House]
Thirteen: I'm gonna check out this new lesbian bar tonight.
House: Your life is awesome.
Thirteen: You want to come?
[Cut to House walking into Wilson’s office without knocking. Wilson is on the phone. He holds up a finger to indicate that he is busy, but House disconnects the phone]
Wilson: (hanging up the phone) I was telling a 33-year-old woman that she has breast cancer.
House: No, you weren't.
Wilson: How do you know?
House: Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours. Why are you setting me up on dates with my team? (Wilson shakes his head) Taub asking me out was quirky, but Thirteen doing it is a barking cat.
Wilson: I'm doing it to help you.
House: By setting me up with a hottie that I can't sleep with? And Thirteen?
Wilson: I've been spending more time with Sam. I know it's been hard on you. I figured if you had some company—
House: I don't need your help.
Wilson: Then consider it helping our neighbor's four-year-old.
House: I gave him a dollar. How much did you have to pay?
Wilson: Nothing. I just told them you might be feeling down and it was in their self-interest to keep you company. (House doesn’t believe him) 100 bucks, Foreman held out for 2. (House looks offended) House, I'm worried about you. You could have ended up in jail or worse.
House: Racking you with guilt. So I do something really stupid and you reward me. Read any parenting manual. That's not helping me. That's helping you.
Wilson: Fine, I did it for me, for my relationship, out of pure self-interest.
Wilson: You'll do it?
House: For you.
Wilson: Thank you.
House: It's not gonna work, though.
Wilson: Maybe. But how bad can a night out at a lesbian bar be?
[Cut to Nicole sitting by Ted’s bed as he wakes up]
Nicole: Hey. How are you doing?
Ted: Heart attack at 27.
Nicole: Um, they said you had a head trauma?
Ted: I fell off a stepladder and- -and hit my head. It was a stupid accident.
Nicole: An accident.
[Taub and Thirteen enter the room]
Thirteen: We need to prep you for your angio.
Taub: Valium will help you relax.
Thirteen: We're gonna run a line through your femoral artery.
[Ted starts to sit up in bed, but falls back down, unconscious]
Nicole: He's having another heart attack?
Thirteen: (She puts her fingers on his neck) I don't think so. His heart rate seems normal.
[Ted wakes up and looks up at them]
Taub: Are you okay? You weren't discussing wedding plans, were you?
Ted: No. I guess I just...
[Ted loses consciousness and falls back on the bed]
[Cut to House, Taub, and Thirteen walking down a hospital corridor]
House: P.O.T.S. - Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. BP plummets when he's upright, reverts to normal when he's lying down.
Taub: He was lying down both times we took his blood pressure.
Thirteen: Protracted hypotension could have induced his heart attack. Also explains the syncope.
Taub: And his aphasia. He was upright, then you laid him down on the bed to test him. BP reverted to normal, voice came back, jabbing him with the needle had nothing to do with it.
Thirteen: P.O.T.S. can be brought on by a viral or bacterial infection such as mono.
House: So load him up with fludrocortisone.
[Thirteen turns back to give Ted the fludroccotisone. House and Taub continue walking]
House: (to Taub) You didn't read your ceramics course description, did you?
Taub: Yeah. You did?
House: As I'm sure your wife did. So we all know they're doing a fourth of July theme. She'll be expecting something star-spangled.
[House enters his office, leaving Taub standing in the doorway]
[Cut to Nicole sitting in Ted’s room. Ted appears to be asleep. Cotter enters the room]
Cotter: Cotter Macklin. I'm an old friend of Ted's.
Cotter: How's he doing?
Nicole: Um, he had a heart attack.
Cotter: (He sounds upset) Oh, my God.
Nicole: They have him on some new meds. Really knocked him out.
Cotter: Well, how are you holding up?
Nicole: I'm okay. Thanks.
Cotter: (holding up a tin of peppermint bark) Um, I brought this for him.
Nicole: That's his favorite thing in the whole world.
Cotter: I know.
[Cotter puts the tin down on the bedside table and sits on a stool beside the bed]
Nicole: You weren't at the wedding, were you?
Cotter: No, I-I wasn't invited. (visibly upset) Ted and I had a-a falling out.
Nicole: How did you know each other?
Cotter: Um, we met senior year of college. Yeah, we— we shared a house for a while.
Nicole: You were roommates?
Cotter: (his voice breaks) For three years.
[Cotter sniffs back tears and puts his hand on Ted’s hand. He looks at Ted for a minute, then looks up at Nicole and takes his hand off of Ted’s]
Cotter: (sniffling) I'm— I'm sorry. I— I just miss him.
Nicole: I think you should leave.
Cotter: I shouldn't have done that.
Nicole: (interrupting him) Now. Please?
[Looking like he is going to cry, Cotter reluctantly rises from the stool]
Cotter: I hope he gets better. (He leaves the room)
[Cut to later the same day. Ted is just waking up. Thirteen and Taub are at his bedside. Taub is holding Ted’s chart]
Thirteen: Hey, how are you feeling?
Ted: Hmm. Don't know yet
Taub: Your numbers look good. We're gonna keep you on these meds.
[Taub and Thirteen exit, leaving Ted and Nicole alone. She comes to his bed and holds his hand]
Nicole: You had a visitor while you were asleep.
Ted: Oh yeah? Who?
Nicole: Cotter. Who is he?
Ted: I shared a house with him after college. I don't know why he would show up.
Nicole: That's it?
Ted: Yeah. Why? What did he say?
[Nicole sits in the bedside chair and leans toward him]
Nicole: I need to hear it from you, Ted.
Ted: (nodding and pausing) One night, I got, really drunk and, I went to bed. And he came into my room. One thing led to another. The whole thing was a mistake.
Nicole: Are you saying you had sex with him?
Ted: I was drunk and confused.
Nicole: You're gay?
Ted: No! I thought, I was. I even, made up my mind to tell my family. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, psyching myself up. All I could see was disgust. And that's when I realized, I didn't hate the thought of admitting I was gay because I was ashamed. I hated the thought because I wasn't gay. And that was the day I went to get help.
Nicole: So you're not gay?
Ted: They cured me, Nicole. That's what all the head trauma is about. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it's— it's all in the past now. It doesn't matter anymore.
[Ted closes his eyes and grimaces in pain]
Nicole: What is it?
Ted: Oh, oh my head! (Nicole gets up to go get help)
[Cut to Taub entering House’s office. House is playing poker on his computer]
Taub: He's got severe headaches.
House: So do I. Should I call or raise with a double gutshot draw?
[He makes a move on the computer, then looks at it]
House: No. What about infection?
Taub: That's what we're thinking. Cerebral infection would explain the headaches, could have caused P.O.T.S. If it's fungal, it could have spread to the heart.
House: I was talking about you. Has the little gent been wearing a tent?
Taub: Remind me why that has anything to do with you.
House: A distracted person makes a distracted professional.
Taub: And destroying my marriage will help me focus.
House: Probably. Do a spinal tap. Run the CSF. (Taub starts to leave) Still talking about you. (Taub stops and turns back to House) But you can do it on the patient, too, if you want. (Taub leaves)
[Cut to a neon bar sign. The bar is called “Foxhole.” The camera pans inside to reveal House and Thirteen sitting at the bar. Thirteen has a drink (a martini?) in her hand. There is a bottle of beer in front of House]
House: (nodding) What about her?
Thirteen: The bartender?
House: She's the only one who's not here for fun.
Thirteen: Trust me, she's not straight.
House: If your gaydar is so great, how come you didn't know about the patient till you met his boyfriend?
Thirteen: The guy walked in with his bride. It took me a while to rotate my dish. It's unbelievable what he's doing to her.
House: You don't think he loves her?
Thirteen: He may love her, but he needs to have sex with other men.
House: Taub loves his wife, but he needs to have sex with other women.
Thirteen: Yeah, it sucks what he's doing to her too, but it's hardly the same. To be faithful to his wife, our patient has to deny his identity. Taub just needs to—
House: (finishing her sentence) to resist a biological imperative.
Thirteen: It is easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat.
House: Says someone who's obviously never been on a diet.
Thirteen: Oh, yeah. My life's a breeze.
House: You're successful, smart, and you attract everything that moves. If you want to focus on the fact that you're not gonna see 50, that's your choice.
Thirteen: You know what? I agree with you. My self-pity's optional. What about yours?
[House stares at her, and then is interrupted by his cell phone ringing]
House: (answering the phone) Yeah?
Taub: CSF was negative for infection, and his headaches are worse.
House: We were just talking about you.
Taub: Please don't.
Chase: It's not P.O.T.S., we're back to square one.
[As Thirteen tips her glass to take a sip, her hand shakes. She does not seem to notice, but House does. Thirteen reaches into her empty glass, takes out the olives and starts to eat them]
House: (into the phone) Not quite. You did a spinal tap, but the headaches got worse.
Chase: We're maxing him out on morphine.
House: He sprung a leak. He's losing CSF from the tap site.
Taub: We made his headaches worse?
House: Just you, actually.
Chase: That still wouldn't explain why he got the headaches in the first place.
House: The low pressure in his brain caused the P.O.T.S., not the other way around. Patch the leak and top him up with artificial CSF. (He closes his phone)
[Thirteen is eating her last olive when the waitress serves her another drink, which she did not order. The waitress says something to her. House turns around to see a pretty young woman waving. He does not see Thirteen wave back to the woman in thanks for the drink. When he turns back to Thirteen, she pretends that nothing happened]
[Back at PPTH, Chase is “patching the leak” from the spinal tap site on Ted’s back]
Chase: There. That should stop the leak.
Taub: You should be feeling some relief soon.
Nicole: I spoke to my parents.
Ted: How are they doing?
Nicole: They're still worried.
Ted: Well, tell them not to be. Everything's gonna be okay.
[Ted’s mouth suddenly starts to droop to the left]
Ted: What's happening?
Taub: He's stroking.
Chase: (examining his eyes with a light scope) Both eyes are responsive.
Taub: (to Ted) Tell me your full name.
Ted: (looking scared) Theodore Philip Taylor.
Chase: This isn't a stroke.
Taub: Then what is it?
Ted: What's happening to me?
[Cut to House sitting alone in the hospital cafeteria. Chase and Taub enter the cafeteria and approach House]
Chase: It's really not P.O.T.S. We're really back to square one.
House: So what's masquerading as a stroke? Voted the worst Halloween costume, by the way.
Chase: MRA showed no problems with blood flow to the brain, rules out T.I.A.
[Taub and Chase sit down at the table]
House: Chest x-rays showed no hilar masses. (to Taub) Any luck with the pottery?
Taub: Wasn't easy. Bought a suitably cruddy set of fife and drum napkin rings online. (diagnosing again) Scleroderma?
House: Skin's fine. A.N.A. was negative. So what did that set you back?
Taub: Too much. I got into a bidding war with some lunatic. Histoplasmosis.
House: EIA was clear. Hey, could have gone a lot higher than $215.
Taub: You're kissmyasthma99?
Chase: What about MELAS? Mitochondrial encephalomyopathy, lactic acidosis, and stroke-like episodes.
House: NILLAS. No. Idiot. Lactate. Levels. Are. Stable. We're missing something.
Taub: We've run every test that makes sense, asked every question we can think of, gone over his history a dozen times.
Chase: We know how much we can trust his history.
House: If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?
Chase: Talk to the loser.
House: Call the boyfriend. Let's get them all in the same room.
Taub: Or we could question them separately and not torture them.
House: Or we could get them all in the same room and get the truth.
[Taub leaves. Chase starts to follow, but then turns back to House]
Chase: (sounding like he knows House is expecting the invitation) Oh. Drinks are on me and Foreman tonight.
House: Can't. Pap smear.
Chase: We don't want to do it either, but Wilson already paid us.
House: It's gonna suck.
Chase: I know.
House: Where and when?
[Cut to Thirteen and Taub talking to Ted, Nicole, and Cotter in Ted’s room]
Thirteen: Any incidents of dizziness? (They shake their heads) Seizures? (They shake their heads again) Blackouts?
Nicole: Other than our wedding day.
Ted: Don't you think I would have told you if there were?
Cotter: (remembering) My sister's birthday.
Ted: I was drunk.
Cotter: You had one Martini.
Ted: On an empty stomach.
Cotter: Look, he was just sitting on the couch, and then he— he— he fell over and that was it.
Ted: Well, once I slept it off, I was fine.
Cotter: Well, I stayed up that night checking on him every 15 minutes.
Taub: What about sex?
Ted: Yes, I have sex with my girlfriend, because I'm not gay.
Nicole: We have sex.
Ted: Thank you.
Thirteen: No problems?
[Ted shakes his head no]
Nicole: Um, well, there have been some...
Ted: (clearly embarrassed) Nic.
Taub: Erectile dysfunction?
Ted: Every guy has it sometimes.
Cotter: We never had that problem.
Ted: Gee, that must be because Ted doesn't like girls.
Taub: Or because it's vascular. I know we did an MRA, but arterial disease causing acute ischemia could explain the heart, neuro symptoms, and maybe even P.O.T.S.
Thirteen: Might I suggest a diagnostic test?
[Cut to Thirteen closing the blinds inside Ted’s room. Taub is getting Ted ready for the test]
Taub: The penile plethysmograph measures changes in blood flow in your penis. Tells us if there's a circulatory problem. You just need to be in the right... state.
Thirteen: (holding up two porn magazines, one gay, and one straight) What's your pleasure?
Ted: I feel terrible. I-I don't think anything's gonna work.
Thirteen: Then we'll have to give you a shot.
Taub: Where you don't want to get one.
Ted: Shot it is.
[Cut to Chase singing karaoke at a bar. The camera pulls back to reveal House and Foreman singing backup and performing their own brand of choreography. They are singing Midnight Train to Georgia]
[Note: To make it easier to process (as House would say) Chase’s lead parts are up against the left margin. House and Foreman’s backup lines are indented. Here is a link to a video version]
♪ He kept dreamin' ♪
♪ dreamin' ♪
♪ Ooh, that someday he'd be the star ♪
♪ superstar, but he didn't get far ♪
♪ but he sure found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true ♪
♪ dreams don't always come true oh, no ♪
♪ uh-uh, no ♪
♪ uh-uh, no ♪
♪ oh, he's leavin' ♪
♪ leavin' ♪
♪ on that midnight train to Georgia ♪
♪ leavin' on a midnight train ♪
♪ yeah, said he's going back to find ♪
♪ going back to find ♪
♪ ooh, a simpler place and time ♪
♪ when he takes that ride ♪
♪ oh, yes he is ♪
♪ guess who's gonna be right by his side ♪
♪ I'm gonna be with him ♪
♪ I know you will ♪
♪ on that midnight train to Georgia ♪
♪ leavin' on a midnight train to Georgia, whoo-whoo ♪
♪ I'd rather live in his world ♪
♪ live in his world ♪
♪ than live without him in mine ♪
♪ world, world ♪
♪ his world ♪
♪ is his world ♪
♪ my world, mine and his alone ♪
♪ his and hers alone ♪
♪ I've got to go ♪
♪ world ♪
♪ I’ve got to go ♪
♪ is his ♪
♪ I've got to go. I've got to gooo ♪
♪ his and hers alooone ♪
[House, Chase, and Foreman have finished their performance and are now having a drink at the bar]
Foreman: Nobody wants to follow that.
House: The night just keeps getting better.
[House raises glass in a toast]
House: To Wilson.
[The three of them toast Wilson]
[Cut to Taub and Thirteen viewing the results of the penile plethysmograph with Ted in his hospital room]
Taub: Everything looks fine.
Ted: You sure?
Thirteen: Medically, that's good news. (she pauses) Are you feeling feverish? You're sweating.
[Taub pulls open the top of Ted’s gown]
Ted: No. I feel lousy, but I don't know why I'm sweating.
[Thirteen pulls Ted’s gown open further and she and Taub look at one another]
Ted: What is it?
Thirteen: You're not sweating.
[A shot of Ted’s chest reveals white fluid around Ted’s nipples]
Taub: You're lactating.
[Cut to the diagnostics conference room where House and the team are discussing Ted’s latest symptom]
House: If he can't tell his fiancee he's gay, how is he gonna tell her he's pregnant?
[Chase is examining a small plastic container of Ted’s breast milk]
Chase: (handing the container to Foreman) His therapists loaded him with hormones.
Foreman: (looking at the container) Male hormones don't make you lactate.
[Foreman hands the container to House, who unscrews the lid]
Chase: Except they could screw up your thyroid.
Foreman: That was over three months ago. We just started milking him last night.
[House pours the breast milk into his coffee cup.]
Chase: So something else screwed up his thyroid. Graves, Hashimoto's.
[The team is watching House with looks of complete astonishment on their faces. He doesn’t seem to notice]
House: Nope. TSH was normal.
[House screws the lid back on the empty container and looks up at them, but he is only waiting for medical opinions and seems completely oblivious to their reactions to putting the breast milk in his coffee]
Taub: Pituitary tumor. Could also explain his libido and heart issues.
[House starts to take a sip of coffee, then pauses, looking at Taub. He again puts the cup to his lips, when Thirteen distracts him]
Thirteen: And if the tumor's big enough, his headaches and syncope.
[House pauses, considering Thirteen’s comment before again raising the cup to his lips. This time, Chase abruptly speaks up. The team clearly does not want House drink the coffee]
Chase: Except we— we cleared him for cancer.
[Taub speaks up, again distracting House from the coffee]
Taub: Didn't say "cancer." Prolactinomas can be benign.
[The team watches with looks of incredulity on their faces as House actually begins to take a sip this time. But once again, he pauses]
House: Check his prolactin level, then MRI his pituitary.
[The team hesitates, staring at House, and waiting to see if he will actually drink from the cup, but he gestures them to leave and they do. House grimaces and puts the cup down]
[Cut to Wilson entering House’s office. House looks up from behind his desk]
Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
[Wilson sits in the Eames chair and props his feet on the ottoman]
House: You believe Chase?
Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
House: I realized that they could be my friends.
[Wilson puts his feet on the floor and sits up]
Wilson: You're serious.
House: And then I sobered up.
Wilson: You weren't that drunk. You managed to find your way into your own little bed last night.
House: I think I sleep better in rocket ship sheets.
Wilson: No, you want to blame this on the booze, but that's easy. Change is hard.
House: And wisdom is knowing the difference between what you can change... (House pauses and reaches for his cane. This is the medical epiphany moment) And what you were born with.
[House gets up quickly and heads for the door]
Wilson: And cowardice is labeling what you don't want to change as innate.
[House exits the office leaving Wilson sitting alone in the office]
Wilson: (calling after him) I was winning this argument.
[House runs into Taub as he approaches Ted’s room]
Taub: Pituitary MRI—
House: (finishing Taub’s sentence) was normal.
[They enter Ted’s room. House is carrying a foam neck brace]
House: How are the headaches?
House: Give me your head.
Ted: What the hell?
House: I know. It's the first time you've heard that sentence with a possessive pronoun.
[House sits Ted up in bed and putting one hand under his chin, and the other behind his neck, gently pulls his head up]
Ted: Oh, wow, that— that's better.
[House lets go and Ted groans. He pulls Ted’s head up once more and then lets go again]
Ted: Okay, enough.
[House hands the neck brace to Taub, who puts it on Ted as House is explaining the diagnosis to Ted]
House: How cool is that? You have a Chiari malformation, a narrowing in the base of your skull that can cut off CSF flow. But it wasn't a problem until the ECT at breeder boot camp caused your brain to swell just enough to plug the opening. And when your brain pressed up against your pituitary, it signed you up for La Leche League. You still won't be pitching a tent for your lady, but that's just because, you know, she's a lady.
Taub: Its orthostatic effect was mimicking P.O.T.S.
House: It also does an uncanny Christopher Walken. Unfortunately, if you treat it like P.O.T.S., it gets worse. So, as far as that goes, oops.
Taub: Proper treatment is surgery. We'll get you in right away.
Ted: So how did I get this thing?
House: Overbearing mother. Kidding. CM's congenital. Like so many other things, you were born that way.
[The scene cuts to a quick exterior shot of PPTH at night and then to Ted, who is sitting up in bed, recovering from the surgery. Cotter enters the room]
Cotter: (holding up a tin of peppermint bark) I thought you might be running low, so... (He puts the tin on the bedside table)
Ted: Thanks. (He pauses, looking at Cotter) I'm not coming back.
Cotter: Ted, this is a mistake.
Ted: I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry, but…
Cotter: I'm talking about hurting her.
Ted: I love her.
Ted: Thank you, for your support. We both really appreciate it.
Cotter: Good luck.
[As Cotter leaves Ted’s room, he passes by Nicole on her way to visit Ted. She pauses outside the door, looking in at Ted, who has not yet seen her]
Ted: (looking up) Hey. (Nicole sits down beside the bed) You know what I've been thinking? It's your birthday in three weeks. What do you say we rebook the church and make it a doubleheader?
Nicole: I don't know, Ted.
Ted: Less than a week ago we were standing at the altar, perfectly happy. Nothing's changed.
Ted: I still love you. Do you still love me?
Nicole: Yes. But—
Ted: Then that's all that matters.
Nicole: But I think that you still love him.
Ted: (emphatically) I'm not gay. Nicole, I promise you.
Nicole: How can you promise me that?
Ted: Because I believe that we get to choose how we live our lives, and I've made my choice.
Nicole: (sadly) So now, I have to make mine.
Nicole: (getting up) I'm sorry.
Ted: Nic. No. No.
[She leans down and kisses him]
Ted: I'm not saying good-bye.
Ted: (calling after her as she leaves) I want to marry you. I have to marry you. Nic!
[Taub stands at the nurses’ station, watching as Nicole leaves Ted’s room]
House: It's Friday night.
[Taub turns to find House leaning against a support pillar. Taub is holding a small shipping box]
Taub: I called it off. For real this time.
House: Frees you up for the next one.
Taub: One day at a time. (handing the box to House) Napkin rings. My way of saying thanks.
House: (taking the box) For trying to wreck your marriage?
Taub: For trying to save it.
House: And I get napkin rings?
Taub: Expensive ones.
[House tosses the box onto the counter where nurse Jeffrey picks it up and throws it in the trash]
[Cut to House sitting in his office, his legs propped up on the desk. Cuddy approaches and leans in the doorway]
Cuddy: I hired a replacement. For my P.A. She seems great.
House: Good work.
Cuddy: You too. Your patient's going home tomorrow.
House: He doesn't have a home.
Cuddy: (She walks into the room) You want to grab a bite to eat?
House: So Wilson got to you too?
Cuddy: No. This is just me.
Cuddy: Working late. (she smiles uncomfortably) I'm buying.
House: I'm not that hungry.
[Cuddy turns to leave, then pauses in the doorway and faces House again]
Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
House: (very seriously) Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.
[The camera cuts to close-up profiles of House and Cuddy as they look at each other at that moment. Cuddy looks forlorn as she turns to leave. House closes his eyes briefly, knowing that he has hurt her. Rubbing his right leg, he stares at the bottle of ibuprophen on his desk. Ignoring the pills, he sits up, takes a bottle of whiskey out of his desk drawer and pours an overgenerous amount into a cup on his desk. He swallows a large gulp of whiskey as we are treated to a close-up of those haunted blue eyes]