Written by: Sara Hess & Liz Friedman
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes
Transcribed by: vicpei
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Make out session in a hotel room. Julia and Damien are undressing each other. A bottle and a glass of champagne can be seen on the table. The couple lies on the bed and keeps on kissing. They are interrupted by a knock on the door.]
Julia: Who is it?
Tom: It's Tom.
Damien: Tom, your husband? What's he doing here?
[Julia puts on a robe and opens the door. She smiles at Tom. They stay in the doorway.]
Julia: Uh, what's going on?
Tom: I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here, but Evelyn's school contract's due tomorrow.
Julia: I knew I was forgetting something. Let me, uh, find a pen.
[Tom enters the room, Damien rise from the bed. They greet quite awkwardly.]
Tom: Not quite sure what Emily Post recommends in this situation, but I'm Tom. (He extends his hand. Damien, who's putting his shirt back on, shakes it.)
Tom: Sorry to intrude. (Julia signs the paper) I just—I wasn't quite sure when she'd be coming home.
Damien: No problem.
Julia: Thank you so much for catching this. (She handles the paper back).
Tom: Yeah. Well, I'll get out of your way, it was good to meet you, and I'll see you later, hon. (He kisses her).
Julia: Bye. (She turns to look at Damien with an embarrassed smile.)
Damien: So… seems like a nice guy.
Julia: (Her smile changes to a grimace of pain) Ooh.
Damien: Jules, you okay?
Julia: No, my stomach.
Damien: Here. Lie down. (He brings her to the bed.)
Damien: Try to—
Julia: Get Tom. Ow!
Damien: (He goes to the door and yells down the hallway.) Tom!
[Julia is on the bed, with her legs pulled up in the fetal position. She is gasping in pain.]
[Cut to the condo kitchen, where Wilson and Sam are having breakfast. He's sitting at the end of the counter and she's pouring coffee at the other side.]
Wilson: You know what would be perfect?
Wilson: French toast tower.
Sam: You still go to Mickey's? What's your cholesterol?
Wilson: It's my one vice. I'm keeping it.
Sam: As much as I would love to clog my arteries, I have a 10 o’clock CT and I still have to race home, get changed.
Wilson (without looking at her): Maybe you could keep some clothes here. (He glances up at her.)
Sam (leaning): Maybe I could.
[They kiss. House enters the room with his old robe on and glances at them before opening a cabinet and taking out a mug.]
House: He's just trying to get into your skirts. And I don't mean metaphorically.
Sam: Well, he's got the legs for it. (She puts the milk back in the fridge. House goes to the coffee maker.) So I will see you tonight?
[They kiss again. House looks suspicious as he pours himself a cup of coffee.]
Sam: Bye, House.
House: Have a nice day.
Wilson (in disbelief): Have a nice day. How civilized.
House: I said I'd stay out of it. (He gives Wilson a look).
Wilson: Clearly, SOMETHING. (We can hear the capitals.)
Wilson: House, on a list of your attributes, there's nothing that even rhymes with "coy."
House: Okay, I may have seen something in the fridge. Like the end of your relationship. (Nodding to the fridge) She put the milk in the door and not on the shelf.
Wilson: It's not a big deal.
House: You hate that she did that, but you didn't say anything. (Wilson laughs)
Wilson: You're trying to get us to fight.
House: No, I'm trying to help. If you got an issue, let her know.
Wilson: I should have known that you weren't done sabotaging this.
House: Fine. Stew in your irritation. And sure, last time it bubbled over into resentment and rage, leading ultimately to a painful divorce that neither of you ever really recovered from, but I'm sure this time it'll be great.
[House leaves. Wilson thinks about this. He quickly goes to the fridge, opens it and put the milk back onto the shelf.]
[Cut to PPTH diagnostics conference room, where the whole team is sitting around the table. House enters the room.]
Thirteen: Interesting case. 35-year-old woman with fever and abdominal pain. E.R. ruled out all the usual suspects.
House (puts his coat on the chair): Stop before you interest me to death.
Thirteen: And she's in an open marriage.
Foreman (shakes his head, amused): That's not interesting. It's just weird.
House (reads the file): Know what's weirder? That other humans are monogamous in the first place. No other species on the planet mates for life and if you're gonna bring up swans, they cheat like everybody else. They just have better PR than rabbits.
Taub: Animals also eat their young and kill their rivals. That make it weird that most of us don't?
House: Says the guy whose opposable thumbs have been all over how many women who aren't his wife?
Taub (rolls his eyes): A functional open marriage is like a unicorn. It's a mythical creature that doesn't exist. Someone always ends up unhappy.
Chase: Our patient's unhappy because she's suffering from an intestinal blockage.
House: Boring. Then we have to find a reason to rule it out.
Chase: What about herpes colitis? She picks up the infection from one of her partners. It takes root in her colon.
Thirteen: STD panel was clean.
Taub: Chances are, this couple was unhappy in the first place. This is their attempt to save something that never— (He stops, as they are all staring at him). Go on.
Foreman: Herpes might not register if she was exposed in the last six weeks.
House: But it would show up on a barium enema. (He drops the file on the table and grabs his cane)
Chase: Wait. You're gonna do it?
House (from the door) Gotta see if our patient's a unicorn or just a slutty horse. Think how much fun Taub could be having.
[Cut to exam room. Julia is lying on an exam bed, Tom at her side. House is preparing the enema.]
House: Barium coats the inner lining of your colon. Lets us get a good look at it on the X-ray.
Tom: I can get somebody else to pick up Evelyn. I feel like I'm abandoning you.
Julia: I'm on painkillers. I'd rather this not be what you think of every time you look at my butt. (She takes his hand, he smiles, they kiss, he goes. House shakes the enema bag like maracas, Julia smiles lightly).
House: Okay, roll onto your side. It's fill 'er up time. So is Evelyn his new squeeze?
Julia: She's our daughter.
House: Must be interesting growing up in a production of Oh! Calcutta!
Julia: She's six. She knows as much about our sex life as any other kid her age.
House: You can explain that she's the reason the two of you stayed married.
Julia: You've been in the room five minutes. You got us all figured out. Of course, you left out the part where we love each other and we want to grow old together.
House: But you just don't want to be young together.
Julia (turns to look at House): Look, when you think about it, tons of couples do what we do. It's just that with most of them, one spouse doesn't know about it. We decided things work better when people tell each other the truth.
House: Tank's full. I'll page the radiology elves.
[Cut to PPTH lobby, a woman in pink scrubs is considering Taub's tie.]
Maya: I'm not saying I hate it. Just doesn't go with your eyes.
Taub: You hate it.
Maya: Little bit.
Taub: Any more heartless critiques of my general appearance?
[Thirteen arrives and observes this.]
Maya: Nope. All done. (She leaves Taub with a great smile on his face.)
Thirteen (amused): So is she as bendy as she looks?
Taub: Maya and I are just friends.
Thirteen: No, you and I are friends and you don't have coffee with me three times a week. (They start walking together.)
Taub: She's an interesting person. She grew up in Ohio. She has three brothers.
Thirteen: Fascinating. Last week, that Cambodian lab tech was telling us how he survived the Killing Fields and you left to go get a donut.
Taub: So we flirt. It's fun.
Thirteen: It's dangerous. That woman would totally do you.
Taub (hopefully): You think? (Busted) Nothing is gonna happen.
Thirteen: All I'm saying is if you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart.
[Cut to House office, where he is getting coffee.]
Thirteen (entering the room): X-ray was clean. She doesn't have herpes colitis or abdominal pain.
Taub: It stopped hurting during the X-ray, which means it was just an intestinal blockage that passed. We should discharge her.
House: Absolutely. There's no need to find any underlying cause 'cause these things never happen twice. Take her digestive system for a test drive. Give her a radio-opaque milkshake. X-ray every 15 minutes to see if it makes any unscheduled stops on the way through.
Thirteen: We'll be here all night.
House: No, Taub will be here all night. Talk to the unicorn and then tell me you don't believe. (He puts his glasses on and grabs something to read).
[Cut to the condo, where Sam and Wilson are emptying the dishwasher.]
Sam: I did an abdominal CT on a kid today and found a six-inch bezoar made entirely of gum. I mean, who gives a three-year-old an endless supply of g— You okay?
[Wilson, who was emptying the bottom shelf of the washer, is standing still, staring wordlessly at a big bowl at the bottom.]
Wilson: Yeah. [He puts the bowl on the counter, and starts replacing glasses on the top shelf in a mechanical way.]
Sam: I mean, there was hair in it and maybe a piece of paper.
[Cut to X-Ray room, where Julia is lying on the table.]
Taub: So… how long you been married?
Julia: One of the few drawbacks of having an open marriage. Nobody ever asks me about current events or the weather.
Taub: Yankees look good this season.
Julia (laughs): Seven years.
Taub: And, uh, how long have you – you know?
Julia: After three years, we realized that traditional marriage was making us both miserable.
Taub: Most people get divorced at that point.
Julia: Yeah, we didn't want to get divorced. We still loved each other. We just realized that expecting one person to fulfill all of your needs forever is unrealistic.
Taub: There are happy monogamous couples out there.
Julia: Sure. One or two have the perfect marriage. Everybody else has figured out how to settle for less. I don't want to settle and end up resenting my husband. I'd rather get the 10% he doesn't give me somewhere else so that I can really appreciate him for the 90% he does. (Taub has been very seriously considering all she said). I think something's wrong.
Taub: With your stomach?
Julia: My heart is racing.
Taub: Try to take deep breaths. I'm going to try to slow your heart down.
[He massages her carotid.]
Julia: Is this because of the blockage?
Taub: No. It's not working. Need a crash cart in here!
[Cut to an exterior view of Julia's room. We see her with a nurse, then the camera shows Tom sitting outside with Chase.]
Chase: I need a list of all your sexual partners from the last six months.
Chase: Your wife had an arrhythmia. The progression of symptoms from bowel to heart makes a parasitic infection most likely. Since Julia hasn't been out of the country—
Tom: The only place that I've been recently is a business trip to Nebraska.
Chase: But either of you could have picked up a bug from one of your partners.
Tom: It's kind of… complicated.
Chase: How many partners are we talking about? Ballpark.
Tom (embarrassed): None.
Chase (clearly surprised): None?
Tom (even more embarrassed): We have a great sex life. I don't need anyone else.
Chase: So why not just tell her that and close this whole thing up?
Tom: You married?
Chase: I – I was.
Tom: Did you ever agree to go see a chick flick with your wife or pretend to enjoy classical music?
Chase: Stravinsky never groped my wife in a midtown hotel room.
Tom: She needs this. I don't. But I don't want her to feel bad about that. (Chase nods, but doesn't look convinced.)
[Cut to House office, close up to his shelf with a lot of knick-knacks- and a Colbert photo, through a magnifying looking glass!]
House (hands behind his head): He's lying.
Chase: Guy's got a license to drill. Why would he lie about not using it?
House: That's not the lie. The lie is that he gives a crap about how his wife feels. If they're both screwing around, that's one thing. But if she has a piece on the side and he doesn't, the only way he'd be okay with that is if he's betraying her in some other way that, in his mind, makes them even. My unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face. (He looks sad, somehow.)
Chase: Right. Even the guy who's not cheating is doing it for underhanded reasons.
Thirteen: No, no, no. He's not being cynical. He's assuming the husband is doing something to even the score, which means he thinks there is a score, which means, cheating swans aside, House believes in monogamy. He's being romantic. (During this part, House quits the sad look for a warning one, then gestures his hands to Thirteen tone, like it's music).
House: What I believe is that men are genetically engineered to be jealous. Doesn't matter if I think there's a score. I guarantee you he does. Any of the wife's partners pan out?
Thirteen: She's been with two people other than Tom in the last six months. Neither of them have been outside the tri-state area.
House: So we're back to the husband.
Chase: You just said you believed—
House: He's doing something behind her back. What better cover than a business trip to Nebraska? Like that's really a place.
[Cut to Tom and Julia's House, where Chase and Thirteen are investigating.]
Chase: Let's find his travel records and get back to work.
Thirteen: You seem pretty mellow about this couple's deal. Thought you'd be first in line to shake a finger.
Chase: They're still married. I'm not. Not that I could ever do it. I was jealous of House and Cameron never touched him.
Thirteen: Not counting the emotional fondling. (Pause). When my mom was dying, my dad had an affair.
Chase: He told you this?
Thirteen: I'd seen them get out of his car. Two years after mom died, they got married.
Chase: That must have sucked.
Thirteen: At the time, yeah. But looking back… It makes sense. My mom never knew about it and he needed someone to make him feel less alone. He took care of my mom day in and day out for two and a half years before she died. He was devoted to her. Loving someone else didn't change that.
Chase: So loving two people at once is fine as long as one of them is dying?
Thirteen: Whoever's taking care of me when I get sick, I hope they've got someone else to take care of them.
[She goes investigate another room. He checks a folder he pulled from a file cabinet.]
Chase: Tom was telling the truth. He really did go to Nebraska. Plane ticket and restaurant seats.
Thirteen: Forget Nebraska. (She comes back showing a loofah). Maybe they just bought their parasites at the mall.
[Cut to Taub and his wife having dinner in a restaurant.]
Taub: You know, we should really throw away that loofah. They're imported. Sometimes they're not sterilized. We think our patient got amoebiasis from hers.
Rachel: Is she gonna be okay?
Taub: We're treating now. She should be fine. It's actually kind of bizarre. She and her husband have an open marriage.
Rachel: They sleep with other people?
Taub: Well, she does. Her husband's totally fine with it. I mean, it's crazy, right?
Rachel: And you're bringing this up because?
Taub: I thought it was interesting.
Rachel: More interesting than your other cases, I guess. I mean, you talk about your colleagues, you rant about House. You don't usually mention your patients. Is open marriage something you want?
Taub: No. I mean… I know you'd never…
Rachel (sighs, and speaks softly): All this time and energy you spent convincing me you weren't cheating… And there's somebody else.
Taub: I'm not—
[They both stay silent while the waiter pours water.]
Taub: Okay. There's a woman at work. People say she's attracted to me, but nothing's happened. Nothing's going to happen. I'm not having an affair.
Rachel: But you want to.
Taub: No, honey. I'm trying to be honest. I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Rachel: Be honest then. Are you attracted to her?
Taub: Look… she's attractive. There's an attraction. Aren't there men who make you feel that way?
Rachel: Of course there are, but it never occurs to me to act on it because- because I'm married… to you. And that's enough for me. Aren't I enough for you?
Taub: Of course you are. (His pager beeps.) Our patient's lost all movement in her legs.
Rachel: There are other doctors, Chris. We're talking.
Taub: I'm sorry. The woman's paralyzed. I'll get a cab.
[He leaves. Rachel looks like she's about to cry.]
[Cut to Julia's room where she is dropped on her bed by attendants, then to the Diagnostics office. House is listening intently, but maybe not to the case.]
Taub: Tests show no spinal cord injury, no cerebral lesions, no hemorrhage.
Chase: Finally got a stool sample. The loofah's innocent. No sign of amoebas or any other parasites.
Foreman: So paralysis, arrhythmia, and intermittent abdominal pain.
House: And he nicked himself shaving. Sorry. That was Taub. But it was easier to solve. Means he used the crappy razor in his locker, which means he slept here.
Taub: Thanks to you. I brought up open marriage with Rachel. It was a disaster.
[All men stare open mouthed, Thirteen frowns.]
House: On the medical front, we've knocked out sex and foreign travel. Could be an electrolyte imbalance.
Taub: So the only time you're not interested in my marriage is after you blow it up?
Houses: You're the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila.
Taub: You pushed me into this.
House: Figured it would either blow up your marriage or make it more honest. Either way, you win.
Chase (suffering sigh, then): What about sex? I'm talking about the patient. Is that cool with everybody?
Foreman: We've ruled out sex.
Chase: We ruled out sex with other people. Tom said he and Julia have been doing it three or four times a week and she's got boys on the side.
Foreman: Increased libido can be a symptom of adrenocortical carcinoma, which also explains her other symptoms.
Thirteen (annoyed): A woman who likes sex must be sick? (Foreman looks at her rather blankly)
House: Just because everybody in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time doesn't make it so. (Chase looks amused.) Get an MRI of her adrenal glands.
[They all get up and go, and House stays sitting, watching Taub.]
[Cut to the den in Wilson's condo. He is reading a newspaper. Sam comes in with a mug.]
Sam: Hi. Okay if I take the sports page?
[She puts the mug on the coffee table. Wilson stares at it blankly.]
Wilson: Would you mind using a coaster?
Sam: Oh. Sure. Sorry.
Wilson: It's okay. (He smiles apologetically, then he stops pretending and lets go). Also, it'd be great if you'd replace the toilet paper when you finish a roll. And when you load the dishwasher, you can't put a big, flat bowl on the bottom. (Sam is taken aback). It traps the water so nothing on the top gets clean. And please don't throw banana peels in the bedroom trash.
Sam: I haven't done any of those things.
Wilson: You're probably not even aware of—
Sam: I hate bananas.
Wilson (folds his paper, realizing): Oh, my God. It was House. I'm sorry. He's been trying to get us to fight.
Sam: Why would he think that stuff would make us fight?
Wilson: Because of the milk. You put it in the door. The body of the refrigerator is the coldest part. The temperature in the door fluctuates, which decreases shelf life.
Sam (sounding slightly sarcastic): Wow. When did you get all OCD?
Wilson: I just want clean dishes and unspoiled milk so we can all stay healthy.
Sam: Oh, it's about health. What about the coaster? Does that replenish my B-12 or something?
Wilson: Can we just drop it?
Sam: Sure. (They go back to reading for a very short time , then she drops the newspaper). You have this list of annoyances the entire time we were married?
[Cut to Julia's room, where her husband and daughter are visiting. Taub and Thirteen are busy. Julia's on oxygen and she's got a saturometer on her right index finger.]
Paula: Get better, mommy.
Julia: I love you, rabbit. (She kisses her index finger, then brings it to Paula's face, several times).
Tom: Julia, you have a guest. (He nods to the door. He doesn't look pleased. Julia turns her head and we see Damien, coming in with flowers.)
Tom (dryly): This isn't a good time.
Julia: Dr. Hadley, did you say there was a video game in the playroom?
Thirteen (nodding, to Paula): Maybe you can teach me how to play one of them.
[Paula smiles and nods.]
Thirteen: See you in radiology.
[She leaves with Paula, Taub stays, disapprovingly taking Julia's blood pressure. Tom walks on Damien.]
Tom: Get out of my wife's room. Your relationship with her stays out of our space.
Damien: I was worried about her.
Julia: Tom's right. You should go.
Damien: So it's fine if we have sex, but if I drop by to see if you're okay—
Tom (detaching every word): This is our family. (Julia says nothing, but we can see she's approving.)
Damien (softly): Sorry. (He leaves, with the flowers. Taub looks pensive.)
[Cut to the condo, where Wilson and Sam are clearly having an escalating argument. They are in the bedroom. He’s trying to put on a tie. She leans in the doorway, arms crossed.]
Wilson (collar up, fighting with his tie): I spent two years of residency wearing shirts that were a size too small.
Sam: How hard is it to ask me not to put them in the dryer? And I only did your laundry because you were never home.
Wilson: I didn't ask you to.
Sam: Of course you didn't. You just got annoyed whenever you didn't have clean underwear.
Wilson: I never said I was annoyed.
Sam: That's the point. You didn't say anything.
Wilson (voice raising): So I'm getting a lecture on communication from someone who had her lawyer inform me our marriage was over.
[He finally has his tie on and leaves, while Sam thinks about it.]
[Cut to PPTH radiology room, where Taub and Thirteen are sitting behind a scan computer.]
Thirteen (admiring): Asking for an open marriage. You got stones.
Taub: Conversation sort of got away from me. It was a train wreck.
Thirteen: I think it's good you brought it up. I read a study that found men who have multiple copies of a certain vasopressin receptor are twice as likely to be unfaithful. Maybe you're just one of those guys. (She rolls her eyes, really comically, trying to convince him. He doesn't look pleased.)
Taub: So my cheating is biologically predetermined? (Rolls his eyes). Fantastic.
Thirteen: Multiply times five. We need a better look at the medulla. I thought you'd be relieved. This gets you off the hook. It's just genetics.
Taub (flatly, but managing to sound bitter): I'm 5'6" and have a receding hairline. I hate genetics. Medulla's clean.
Thirteen (amused): I don't see you wearing lifts or hair plugs.
Taub: That's because being short and bald doesn't hurt anybody.
Thirteen (supportive): The only thing hurtful about your other genetic predisposition is that you keep denying it. It's not good for you or Rachel.
Taub: There's nothing there. It's not adrenal cancer. And maybe you're right about me. But I'm not gonna stop trying. Rachel's worth it.
Thirteen (looking closely at the screen): Look up there. The lung. What is that?
[Cut to the condo. Wilson and Sam are now arguing in the living room. Wilson is speaking very, very loudly. Sam is all defensive, arms still crossed.]
Wilson: You served me with divorce papers in the middle of a medical conference in New Orleans (gesturing). I threw a bottle into an antique mirror.
Sam: Oh, you exhibited an emotion? I wish I'd known you were capable.
Wilson: I loved you. I thought I was gonna be following you to Baltimore, remember? (He gets in lecturing mode). I called about apartments. I set up interviews.
Sam (interrupting, not impressed, and clearly pissed off): How could you think that we still had a real marriage? We hadn't had a conversation in months.
Wilson: Maybe because I was working two jobs to support us.
Sam (it's her turn to shout): No! No! It's because when you were home, it was like talking to a block of ice. You were obviously so pissed off at me.
Wilson: I was killing myself so that you could take that non-paying internship—
Sam (cuts him off): That you said that I should take.
Wilson (yelling): I was trying to be supportive! Why do I have to be the bad guy?
Sam: Expressing yourself does not make you the bad guy.
Wilson (coldly): Okay, then. You were being a selfish bitch.
[He leaves. Sam is on the verge of tears.]
[Cut to House office.]
Thirteen: VQ scan confirmed the spot on Julia's lung was a clot.
House (sitting, legs on the desk, playing with a rubber band): Think there's a chance the husband's a plushie?
Thirteen: If he has a secret, I highly doubt it's more relevant than the clot.
House: Clotting disorder would explain everything. (We hear the office door opening.) Question is, which one?
[Enters Cuddy, with a very girly baby pink sweater. House eyes her suspiciously.]
Cuddy: Do you read any of your departmental memos?
House: Only the ones labeled, "n-s-f-w."
Cuddy (goes to a table, takes some papers): Accounting notified you two days ago about your patient's insurance.
House: Sorry, that's "n-n-s-f-w."
Cuddy (Handing him the papers): Here. He doesn't have any. Try not to bankrupt them.
House: Oh, I'm long past the number of procedures that'll bankrupt them.
Thirteen: Julia's got insurance. I saw the policy number on the form.
Cuddy: But the policy lapsed due to non-payment. I already made three calls about this. (She extends her arms) You should have been aware of that.
(House throws the files on his desk and gets up.]
[Cut to Julia's room. She is in her bed. Tom is at her side. House and Thirteen are at the foot of the bed.]
Julia (sounding tired): No, there's just a mistake. Of course we have health insurance.
Tom (his shoulders have dropped a little): We're actually a little behind on the premiums. But I pulled money out of my retirement account to cover it. They said that we'll be fine in—
Julia: Why the retirement account?
Thirteen: We'll just give you a few minutes to— (She pinches House's arm and start to go. He turns, but doesn't move).
House: By "we," she means "she." (Thirteen sighs and stays).
Tom: I lost all of our savings. (Julia looks startled.)
House (turns to Thirteen): Sounds like a secret to me.
[And we are back to House office.]
Thirteen enters: I started her on heparin to prevent further clots, but we still don't know what's going on.
House (pacing, still shaking his rubber band with the hand not holding the cane): Of course the husband's secret was money. If it's not sex, it's always money. Unless it's sex for money. How did he lose it anyway?
Thirteen: It's not medically relevant. You're not gonna care.
House: Wilson's been teaching me how to care. Try me.
Thirteen: He builds wind turbines and leases them out to local power companies.
House: You're right. I don't care. (Heavy rubber band shaking). Clotting disorder: DIC. Factor five leiden, antiphospholipid syndrome.
Thirteen: Vitamin K deficiency also fits. Causes thrombophilia and is consistent with abdominal pain.
[Wilson enters. Lecturing voice, and looking really angry.]
Wilson: Congratulations, House. Sam ended it.
Thirteen (concerned): What happened?
House: Go test our patient's blood…
Thirteen: But it can wait five minutes.
House: … for everything we discussed. (Thirteen leaves. House turns to Wilson.) I'm sorry.
Wilson (sighing): Well, at least you're actually taking responsibility for once in your life.
House (correcting): Sorry that she left but it's not my fault. I didn't even want to get involved. You dragged it out of me. (He seems sincere. He sits down on his desk chair.)
Wilson (looking puzzled): What about the dishwasher and the banana?
House (scoffing): She left because of the banana. I just wanted you to stand up for yourself. (Wilson sighs and closes his eyes, then shakes his head). Tell her what you want. If doing that causes her to walk out for the second time, well, your relationship wasn't gonna last anyway.
Wilson: Or you could have stayed out of it. I could have kept my mouth shut, been annoyed sometimes, but I'd be happy, because I'd still be with her. (House listens, still playing with his red rubber band). Now all I have is cold milk. (He starts to leave.)
House: As long as you're free, you want to grab some dinner? (Wilson looks like he wants to strangle House, but leaves anyway.)
[Cut to Julia's room, where Thirteen is drawing blood.]
Thirteen: Did Tom go home for the night?
Julia: For starters. I told him to leave. I don't want him here.
Thirteen: Money is a complicated subject.
Julia: Yeah, it's not the money. I mean, the — the money's bad, but… (She sighs deeply and puts her head back on her pillow.) When we first opened our marriage, I got involved with a guy who lied about being single. Then one day, his wife calls me. She's crying and screaming and totally out of control. And I felt… superior. I thought I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way because Tom and I are honest with each other. Well, here I am.
[Cut to Taub's apartment. He slowly enters the bedroom where Rachel is folding laundry.]
Taub: Hi. Sorry I didn't make it home last night. I needed to run some tests.
Rachel (She goes on with the chore, and speaks without looking at him): You know what the worst part was? When you had your affair… Wasn't the sex. It was the lies. Realizing that the narrative of my life was totally wrong. You weren't stuck in surgery. You weren't out of town. I don't want to go through that again.
Taub: I told you nothing's going—
Rachel (she looks up and speaks softly, but firmly): Thursday nights. You have to be home by midnight. You don't bring her here. You don't talk to her about me and I don't want to meet her ever in any context.
Taub: Are you giving me permission to sleep with other women?
Rachel (little, bitter smile): It's what you want, isn't it?
Taub: I want you.
Rachel (sad smile again): No, you want more than me. You want that… thrill. But I love you. And I really believe that you love me… and we have a good life together. And at this point, either I walk away or I try to accept who you really are.
Taub: Tomorrow's Thursday.
Rachel (quietly): Yes, it is.
[She goes back to the laundry basket.]
[Cut to PPTH aerial view, then diagnostics conference room. The team is sitting, House is pacing.]
Thirteen: All our tests came back negative. It's not a clotting disorder.
House: Which means we need to come up with a better idea. So what causes problems in the stomach, heart, nerves? (Taub is waving pages of the file, looking somewhat smug. House stops, takes a deep breath, gets his trademark epiphany look).
House: Oh, my God.
Chase: You know what it is?
House (bending and sniffing Taub. Thirteen and Chase are perplex): Taub's wife gave the green light for an open marriage. (He smiles, Thirteen smiles, Chase is puzzled). He's wearing cologne, but not the stink of shame. (To Taub.) You got a date.
Taub (even more smug): I am going out with Maya tonight with Rachel's blessing.
[House looks proud, Thirteen smiles, Chase in awe, Foreman is frowning.]
Foreman: Mazel Tov?
Chase (still looking at Taub, open-mouthed): Maybe the problem isn't her blood. Maybe it's the vessels carrying the blood.
Foreman: No sign of schistocytes or hemolysis. So you're actually going to sleep with another woman then go home to your wife?
House: Thank God someone's keeping us focused on what's really important. (He sits next to Taub and watches him closely.)
Thirteen: Taub was gonna do all of that anyway. Pulmonary arterial hypertension.
House: Imaging showed normal diameter in her pulmonary artery. Here's a thought — (They all pay attention.) Taub's wife is now totally on the market. Mind hitting me with her digits?
[We hear several pager rings. They all check, except House.]
Taub: She would love that, but duty calls.
[Cut to Julia's room. She is crying in pain. A nurse is trying to calm her. Chase and Taub run inside.]
Taub: What's the matter?
Julia: My stomach.
Chase: Same pain as before?
Julia: Yeah, but worse.
Chase: Get the portable ultrasound in here. We need to get a look at her belly.
Julia (yelping): Help me!
[Cut to the exterior of Julia's room. She is breathing quickly, obviously in pain. The whole team is looking at her from the corridor. They are all standing, House is sitting, extending his bad leg and rubbing it.]
House: Pain, pain went away, came back another day. Question is, what brought it back?
Taub: Physical exam was unrevealing. Ultrasound was clean.
Foreman (unimpressed): So afterwards, are you gonna shower at your girlfriend's or at home?
Taub: Patient. Abdominal pain.
House: Yeah, he's right. Let's get this wrapped up before 6. Taub turns back into a faithful pumpkin at midnight.
Chase (thoughtfully): Patient was out with her boy toy before she came in. Maybe the pain was triggered by sexual excitement.
Thirteen: Because lying alone in a hospital bed contemplating bankruptcy — hot.
Chase: My point was that arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. If that's where the problem is, the pain could be triggered by crying, which seems—
House: PNS also controls digestion, which she's been doing without screaming her head off since she's been here.
Taub: What if what matters isn't when the pain started, but when it stopped?
Foreman: It was during an X-ray. You think that cured her?
Taub: No, but House prepped her for the X-ray with a barium enema.
Chase: Well, that wouldn't treat anything except—
[They stop and get a general epiphany.]
House (nodding): Go.
[Cut to PPTH corridor, Chase and Taub are bringing Julia's bed to surgery.]
Chase: You're in pain because part of your intestine folded in on itself. It's called an intussusception.
Taub: It's cutting off blood flow. We need to fix it before your bowel gets necrotic and dies.
Julia: Once you do that, will I get better?
Taub: When this happens in adults, it's usually a sign of abdominal cancer. We'll fix the overlap, and then search your intestine for tumors.
[Cut to Cuddy's office. House is on his knees in front of a bright new espresso machine, steaming milk. Enters Cuddy, who takes off her lab coat, hangs it and looks at him suspiciously.]
Cuddy: I have a bad feeling about this.
House (innocent tone): A friend can't spontaneously buy an overpriced Italian espresso machine for another friend?
Cuddy (not buying it): What did you do?
[House stands up with difficulty and hands her the coffee cup. She takes it and sits behind her desk. He walks to the desk while rubbing his thigh]
House: Nothing. That's the beauty. I genuinely tried to help Wilson. I told him to stand up for himself, which you know is legitimate advice. And his relationship blew up.
Cuddy (looks concerned): Is he okay?
House (dismissing): Ah, he'll be fine. Point is, I realized something. I do nice things, nice things happen to me. Karma works.
Cuddy: So you're paying it forward?
House: If this should somehow lead to Lucas dying or oral sex, so be it. (Cuddy looks somewhat entertained.)
House (joins hands in a yoga gesture and salutes): Namaste.
[He leaves. Cuddy's amused look remains.]
[Cut to operating room, and operating table, where Taub and Chase are unfolding Julia's intestine.]
Taub: Think I should wear a tie tonight?
Chase: This isn't weird at all. I mean, where's Rachel eating tonight?
Chase: What if she's going out too? She is allowed to, right?
Taub: Of course. It's only fair. But I don't think she will.
Operating Nurse: Your wife only eats dinner at home?
Taub: If she did go out, that would be tough, but I think I can handle it.
Chase: Don't do it unless you're sure.
Taub: I know I'd rather be jealous than a liar. (They are still examining the intestine.) Got something here. Kelly clamp and scalpel.
[Cut to House office, Chase and Taub are still in scrubs. House has his coat on and fills his backpack, preparing to leave.]
Chase: Biopsy showed non-specific inflammation, which suggests IBD, only it doesn't explain the cardiac problems.
Taub: Or her declining kidney function. We ran panels during surgery.
House: Actually, IBD does make sense, 'cause it could trigger ankylosing spondylitis, which would explain the heart and the kidneys. Start her on sulfasalazine and TNF inhibitors. (They follow him in the corridor. House enters the elevator.) Oh, and Taub, I'm not gonna see you before you head off for Gomorrah. Just remember, if you get disoriented… breathe through your nose and look for the horizon.
[Elevator closes. Taub smiles, then looks at his pager, which is beeping. His smile fades.]
[Cut to PPTH parking lot. Rachel is waiting, leaning on the car. Taub arrives, walking fast.]
Rachel (voice rough): I can't. I really thought I could do this. Logically, it makes perfect sense. But… all afternoon, all I kept thinking about was the two of you, together, and you touching her (her voice fails).
Taub: Nothing's happened. It's okay.
Rachel (crying): I'm sorry. 'Cause I really wanted it—
Taub: No. I've been an idiot, and I don't need anything else. I just need you.
Rachel: You mean that?
Taub: I do. I love you, Rachel. (They hug. She half laughs, half cries.)
Rachel: I love you too.
Taub: Let's go home.
Rachel: Is that okay?
Taub: There are other doctors. (He hugs her and they walk away).
[Cut to conference room, where we see, from above, Chase writing on the whiteboard. The whiteboard is covered with multiple disease names, neatly listed. The team is sitting in front of it, looking defeated.]
Foreman: The treatment's not working. Her left kidney failed last night. The other one's right behind it. It's not ankylosing spondylitis.
Chase: Kidney biopsy showed she had IgA nephropathy, which could be caused by or associated with (gestures to the whiteboard) any of these conditions.
Taub: We've gone from too few ideas to too many, and our patient's running out of time.
House: Why the lack of afterglow? Physio girl not as freaky as you'd hoped?
Taub: I went home with my wife.
Thirteen (puffing): After all that, you chickened out.
Taub: I can't hurt Rachel like that. Sickle cell anemia would have shown on blood tests. No flattened intestinal villi rules out celiac. (They all stare at him. He stops.) Seriously? Our patient's dying, and we can't move past my sex life?
House: Seriously, you'd think it'd kill her if we spend 15 seconds mocking you?
Chase (matter-of-factly): Time's up. Normal liver enzymes rules out Hep B and cirrhosis. (He crosses them.)
Thirteen: Alport and anti-GbM antibody are both untreatable, so if she has them we can't help her. (Chases crosses those out too.)
Chase: And it can't be Henoch-Schonlein purpura. (He crosses it off.) No inciting respiratory infection and no rash.
House: I don't care what it's not. I want to know what it could be.
Thirteen: Well, everything left on the list.
House (examining the list): The list was not created equal. (He turns back.) Neither was man, by the way.
Taub: Hemochromatosis is a possibility. Excess iron builds up, causes problems throughout the body.
Foreman: Weil's syndrome also affects multiple organ systems, and it wouldn't have been treated by the antibiotic the E.R. gave her.
Thirteen: Sarcoidosis makes sense too.
House: Good. Treat for those three.
[The team leaves. House keeps looking at the whiteboard. He doesn't look convinced.]
[Cut to Julia room, Thirteen is sitting by her side, Taub is at the foot of the bed.]
Thirteen: I think you should call Tom.
Julia: Am I gonna die?
Thirteen: I don't know.
Julia: If he walked in here right now, I'd look in his face and all I would think is "liar".
Thirteen: Don't you think that's kind of unfair? You say honesty's all-important, but you conveniently ignore the truth that some truths hurt people. Tom lied to protect you.
Julia: He was covering his ass.
Thirteen: I'm not talking about the money. Tom hasn't slept with anyone else in over a year.
Julia: He told you that? (Thirteen nods.) So my entire marriage is a sham?
Thirteen: No. Your husband, who only wants you, lied so that you could be happy. That seems pretty real to me.
[Cut to Wilson office. He is working late. There is a knock on the door.]
Wilson: Yeah? (Sam enters the room. She looks nervous.)
Sam (she closes the door.): Listen, I'm sorry.
Wilson: Me too. I shouldn't have said—
Sam (interrupting him): No, you were right. I was selfish back then. I'm trying to change. And I don't know if it's House or what, but… you're different too.
Wilson: I'm trying. (He gets up and approaches her.) I always thought that I was keeping the peace, but I was just resenting you and giving you a reason to leave.
[Sam smiles at him and hugs him.]
Sam: I wish we had this fight ten years ago.
Wilson: Is it okay if we don't give House the credit?
Sam: Oh, I recommend it. (Wilson laughs, they kiss.)
[Cut to Julia's room, where Tom is back, holding her hand. The team is in the doorway.]
Thirteen: "O" for three. Her kidney function is still declining. We're gonna need to start dialysis.
House: Glad the husband's back. After missing so many little deaths, he should be here for the big one. Top six, anyone?
Taub: Polyarteritis nodosa?
House: We'd have seen some improvement on prednisone. (Looking at flowers in the room.) Guy's wife's dying, and he stops to buy flowers.
Thirteen: They're from his garden. Mercury poisoning fits.
House: Those are lilacs. My mom used to grow lilacs. My dad made her get rid of them, 'cause there were too many bees. We ruled out HSP 'cause there was no inciting respiratory infection. But in rare cases, it can also be triggered by a bee sting.
Thirteen: We also ruled it out because there's no rash.
House: Maybe we just didn't see it.
[They enter the room.]
House: Have you been stung by a bee recently?
Julia: Uh, about a month ago.
[Foreman grabs a box of gloves. House puts a pair on.]
Tom: What's going on?
House (starts examining Julia's skin): I think your wife has Henoch-Schonlein Purpura. Systemic vasculitis can cause lesions and inflammations throughout the body. It's pretty awful, which explains why it was named after a German. Actually, two Germans. Lesions can pop up in the heart, sometimes in the kidneys, but always on the skin. Means you'd have a rash somewhere.
Julia: I don't.
House: Not that you know of. Okay, I'm gonna have to check your holes. I'll start with the mouth. If there's nothing there, then things might have to get kinky. Say aah. (He gets a light.)
Julia: Aah. (When she opens her mouth, we all see a purpuric rash on the roof of her mouth. House looks disappointed.)
House: I was kinda hoping for kinky.
Tom: Is that good or bad?
Thirteen: We'll treat her with high-dose IVIG and cyclophosphamide. You should be fine.
Julia: I'm gonna be okay. I love you. (They hold hands. The team leaves the room.)
House: That is adorable. Other than you still wanting to have sex with other dudes, and him bankrupting your family, I think you kids are pretty much home free.
[Cut to the condo. Sam and Wilson are playing cards and drinking wine.]
Wilson: And… (He puts down some more cards. House enters the room and looks at them.)
House: You two made up?
Sam (not looking at him): No.
House: You can thank me later.
Sam: I'm all-in.
Wilson (he smiles at her, and doesn't acknowledge House's presence.): All right. (He throws his cards.) Fold.
[Sam laughs. House has opened the fridge. He still has his coat on. He looks at them and seems hurt. He then looks in the fridge, takes the milk on the shelf and put it back in the door. He leaves the room, limping heavily, and they pay no attention to him.]
[Cut to PPTH parking lot. Jude’s “The Way That You Want Me” plays during the entire scene. Maya is struggling with her car trunk and packages. Taub passes by to go to his car. He stops, sighs and goes back to her.]
Taub: You need a hand?
[He takes the packages and puts them in the car.]
Taub: Sorry about canceling the other night.
Maya: Me too.
[They stare at each other, then start to kiss.]
Maya: You wanna go somewhere?
[She smiles. Taub hesitates very briefly, then gets in her car.]