Written by: John C. Kelley
Directed by: Juan José Campanella
Transcribed by: Tammy (beckston)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[The scene opens on a medieval Renaissance Faire. The participants, all dressed in period costume, crowd the streets of the village. Musicians perform as others dance. A man leads some sheep down a dirt street crowded with people, and some children wend there way through the crowd, headed for the tiltyard. The camera follows them as they run up a ramp to join the crowd at the fence surrounding the arena]
[In the tiltyard, four knights and their squires stand before a dais where the King (Miles) and Queen (Shannon) of the realm sit with their court. The King stands and addresses the crowd]
Miles: My lords, and ladies. Today your queen will choose her champion. Here, he will battle for not only her honor, but for a title of his own.
[The knights kneel respectfully to the queen as she walks in front of them]
Miles: But only if he can defeat the Captain of my guard, Sir Horace the Black!
[The crowd roars as the queen continues to walk before the knights, trying to make a decision. Fanning herself with a exquisite feather fan, she finally stops in front of one of the knights]
Shannon: Sir William... Wouldst thou fight for my honor?
William: (looking up at her and smiling) To the death, your majesty.
Shannon: Let's hope it does not come to that, eh? (She looks over her shoulder at the king) I choose Sir William as my champion.
[The crowd yells and applauds. The queen ties a red band around William’s arm and leans down to whisper into his ear]
Shannon: (whispering) Attack from his left side. I saw his squire bandaging that shoulder this morning. (stepping back and speaking so that all can hear) I wish thee luck and strength.
William: I fear I shall need all I can get.
[The bugle plays and Sir William stands to face the gate marked with the king’s family crest]
Miles: (loudly, to the crowd) The Captain of my guard, Sir Horace the Black!
[The gate is thrown wide and a huge knight, clad head to toe in black armor, and carrying a sword and shield, steps onto the field. Again, the crowd cheers. Heavy breathing is heard behind his helmet as he faces William in the arena]
Miles: Are you sure you wouldn't like to reconsider your choice, my queen?
Shannon: I believe I chose rightly, my king.
[The knights approach and circle each other]
Sir Horace: (jerking forward) Huh!
[Startled, William jumps back, and the crowd laughs]
Miles: Brave knights, in the honored tradition of our lands, have at ye!
[Sir Horace aggressively pushes William back with his shield and swings at William with his sword. William does his best to defend himself as he is bashed, battered, and kicked by the black knight. With one swift move, Sir Horace sends William’s sword flying as he shoves him to the ground with his shield. The crowd groans]
Miles: I fear you chose most poorly, my love.
[William struggles to his knees and straightens out his helmet, looking toward the queen. He stands, and faking out the black knight as he swings his sword, ducks under the deadly sword and dives for his own sword buried in the dirt]
[Armed again and more prepared this time, William attacks the black knight and manages to cut his left arm under the armor. Weakened, Sir Horace continues to suffer the multiple blows of William’s sword, until, with one last blow, William fells the black knight. The crowd roars. The king and queen stand and applaud. The king, looking disappointed at first, concedes defeat and looks happy for his queen]
Chanting Crowd: William! William! William! William!
[William stands over the prone Sir Horace, his arms raised in victory. The queen rushes onto the field to congratulate her champion]
Chanting Crowd: William! William! William! William!
[William staggers and drops his sword as the queen approaches]
Shannon: William? What is it?
[William struggles to remove his helmet. The king rushes onto the field as Shannon pulls the helmet from William’s head]
Shannon: Your eyes.
[William, looking very disoriented, collapses to his knees]
[William falls to the ground and a close-up shows that the whites of his eyes are now very red. The queen kneels down beside him and looks up at the king]
Miles: (pulling out a cell phone and dialing 911) We need an ambulance at the Camden Fairgrounds.
[The scene opens on a drawer being pulled open. It is a kitchen junk drawer. It contains some tools, rubberbands, a rubber ball, a key, and other tidbits of daily life. A bottle of Ibuprophen is lying under piece of blue cloth. A hand rummages around and takes out the bottle of pills. The camera cuts up to House (obviously completely naked), who shakes out some pills, puts them in his mouth, puts the bottle back in the still open drawer (which is very deftly blocking his nakedness), and limping to the refrigerator, takes a swig from a carton of milk. Footsteps are heard, a shadow appears on the kitchen cabinets, and House glances toward the main room of the condo]
House: You're new.
[The camera pans up over the kitchen counter to the woman who has come into the room]
Sam: You're naked.
House: (looking down at himself) And, for the record, a little bit cold.
Sam: (sounding uncomfortable and trying not to look at House, who seems completely unfazed by his nakedness) I'm sorry, I didn't know that anyone was home. James had an early call, and I was just leaving.
House: (holding up a cereal box) Without breakfast?
Sam: (turning to face him) I'm fine, thanks. I'm Sam, by the way.
House: (holding out his hand) House. Nice to meet you.
Sam: (taking an apron off a chair and handing it to House) It'd be nicer if you'd put this on.
House: (setting the box on the counter and putting on the apron) So you and Wilson...
Sam: Thought you were staying in New York last night.
House: Sorry, must have missed the "if this trailer be a-rockin'" sign out front.
Sam: (reaching for her purse) I'm really late, so — if there's any chance that we can pretend this never happened, I'd be completely fine with that.
[Sam leaves and the toaster on the counter by the open drawer, pops up a bagel, which House reaches over the counter to grab]
[Cut to the PPTH diagnostics conference room, where the team is examining patient files]
Foreman: (laying file on the table) An eight-year-old with bleeding ears.
Chase: (throwing a different file on the table) I'll see your bleeding ears and raise you a total muscular degeneration.
Taub: (looking up) What the hell?
[They all turn toward the glass wall and see House striding toward the office with a sword over his shoulder]
Thirteen: I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well.
House: (entering the room) Huzzah, my loyal peasants!
[House is carrying his backpack on the sword and he flips it off the sword into Taub’s lap]
Foreman: House, what are you doing?
House: (holding the sword up in front of him) Filling in for Rabbi Shmuhl at the Goldstein bris. (He starts swinging and twirling the sword) While I'm busy, you all can check out the Knight down in the E.R., who, instead of seizing the throne, just seized.
[Taub pulls a patient file out of the backpack]
Taub: (reading the file) He works at a Renaissance Festival?
[House crosses the sword and his cane in front of himself, then turns and continues his swordplay]
House: Doesn't work there, he lives there as part of a wonderful little troupe, who spend their weekends reenacting a nobler age, when people crapped in the streets, and Thirteen would have been a grandmother.
Thirteen: Weeks, not weekends. Says here he's been camping out for a month.
[House is still swinging the sword around, and, at one point, comes close enough to Taub as to cause him to flinch. House swings once wildly and manages to cut the top off of the model of the human brain, which sits on top of the book shelf]
House: Try doing that with a pen.
Foreman: (reaching for the file) Why don't you put that down before you kill one of us?
House: Better idea, why don't you give me something I can use so I won't feel the need to?
Foreman: Seizure right after a fight obviously suggests concussion.
Chase: Obviously it isn't, or the E.R. wouldn't have called House.
Taub: A full set of armor would protect against visible trauma, but not transmitted concussive force. Could be a subdural hematoma.
[House has stopped swinging the sword. He holds both the sword and his cane in his left hand as he rubs his bad leg with his right]
House: You're forgetting to demonize.
Taub: An evil, satanic subdural hematoma.
House: No. Two demon eyes. Hemorrhaging in the sclerae.
Thirteen: Could be an allergic reaction to something from the Renaissance Fair.
House: Which is why we need to check out Middle-earth. Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the Hobbits.
Taub: (standing) I still think a hematoma is more likely.
House: (to Taub) That's why you and Chase are gonna get an MRI.
Taub: But you just—
House: I said Frodo, not Gollum.
[House leaves the room, heading, not to his office, but out into the hall]
Thirteen: Is he saying I have short legs or hairy feet?
Chase: I don't even know who Frodo is.
[Cut to House flinging open Wilson’s office door. Wilson is standing in front of his desk and House brandishes the sword if front of him as if challenging him to a duel. His left hand, holding his cane, is on his hip, like a fencer in a duel.]
House: Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her?
Wilson: You were home last night?
House: (putting down the sword and closing the door) And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked.
Wilson: I told you to stay out of my bathroom.
House: I was in the kitchen.
Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
House: I was naked.
Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
House: Uh, it's not important right now. What is, is why you didn't want me to meet her in the first place. Is she married?
House: A patient?
Wilson: I don't have time for this.
House: She used to be a man.
Wilson: (picking up his labcoat) House!
House: She wants to be a man. Sam — it's a man's name, short for...
[House moves to the door and resting the sword across his arm, and pointing it at Wilson, blocks Wilson’s exit]
House: Samantha. The soulless harpy you were married to before we met.
Wilson: (sighing) People change, House.
House: (lowering the sword) Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.
Wilson: Listen, I know that, in your own demented way, you think you're looking out for me. But I have this.
House: By this, you mean a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. Fine. I get it. It's your life. (He opens the door for Wilson) You go screw it up. I can wait.
Wilson: For what?
House: To tell you, "I told you so."
[Wilson leaves his office]
[Cut to Chase and Taub performing the MRI on William. They are watching the monitor in the control room]
Chase: No signs of hematoma. Brain looks completely normal.
Taub: Normal, except for the fact that he likes to play dress-up.
Chase: My Uncle used to pretend he was King Leopold.
William: (from inside the MRI machine) I'm not pretending.
Chase: (unaware that the mic was on) Um, sorry about that. You don't really think you're a Knight, do you?
William: (from inside the MRI machine) Being a Knight isn't a game. It's a lifestyle, and we do it every day, not just when we play dress-up. We live by a code and uphold ideals, like loyalty, courage, humility.
Taub: And the part where you beat the crap out of each other in armor?
William: (smiling) That we do for fun. At least it was up until yesterday. Are — are we almost done? 'Cause I'm feeling—
[William vomits inside the MRI machine]
Chase: Let's get him out of there before he aspirates.
[Cut to Foreman and Thirteen at the renaissance faire. They are wearing their modern-day clothing and look very out-of-place among the faire folk. Foreman takes a sample from an open well as he talks on the phone with someone from PPTH]
Foreman: (into the phone) Anything abnormal on the MRI?
[A couple of faire participants are mocking his modern garb]
Man at Faire: God's teeth, what strange manner of garments be these?
Foreman: (into the phone) Okay, we'll be back soon. (He puts the phone away)
Man at Faire: He consorts with tiny demons in his hand. 'Tis witchcraft, I say!
Foreman: (to the man) Do I look like I'm here to play pretend with you?
Thirteen: (She is eating a turkey leg) Relax, it's not personal. Just tell them you're a time traveler or something. Well, if we're gonna be here, we might as well enjoy it.
Foreman: Our Knight just vomited inside the MRI. Taub thinks it might be food poisoning...
[Thirteen spits out her mouthful of meat and puts the rest of the turkey leg into a plastic bag which Foreman has pulled out of his satchel]
Foreman: Which shouldn't be surprising — outdoor latrines, food prep going on next to livestock.
[They stop in front of a man rolling dough, who spits over his shoulder. Miles and Shannon, in their roles as King and Queen of the realm, approach from behind]
Miles: I hear you wish to speak with me, concerning Sir William. How faireth he?
Foreman: Not well, or we wouldn't be here.
Miles: A pox indeed is—
Shannon: (reprimanding him) Miles. We just thought it was a concussion.
Miles: (abandoning his role as king) He's gonna be okay, right?
Thirteen: We need to look at the area he was camping out in.
Foreman: And you might want to invest into a dental plan for the kingdom.
[Cut to William’s living quarters, which is a large tent]
Miles: You sure he got sick from something here?
Foreman: We're not sure of anything yet, but...
[Foreman sees something in the straw on the floor and squats down to get a closer look]
Foreman: (to Thirteen) What do you make of this?
[There is glob of something very nasty laying in the straw]
Thirteen: (leaning over his shoulder) Hmm... looks like vomit. Means he was showing symptoms prior to the fight.
Foreman: (picking a round, red object out of the straw and holding it up in front of Miles and Shannon) True, but I meant this.
Miles: Oh, it's a cow eye. From the night before the tournament.
Shannon: He makes the Knights eat all kinds of disgusting stuff.
Shannon: He got the idea from Fear Factor.
Foreman: Why didn't he mention it when he checked into the hospital?
Miles: I make them all take an oath of secrecy about the ritual. William tends to take his role as a Knight very seriously.
Shannon: Do you think that's what caused him to pass out?
[Thirteen opens up a plastic bag, and Foreman puts the cow eye into it]
[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is examining the cow eye. He throws the eye against the glass between the rooms and it bounces back, just like a rubber ball. He catches it easily]
Taub: That's not exactly sanitary.
House: Fun stuff never is.
[He bounces the ball against the glass wall again]
Thirteen: Serious bacterial food poisoning explains seizure and vomiting.
Chase: A lumbar puncture could confirm.
House: Except it's not food poisoning. If it was, the E.R. would look like Camelot right now.
Foreman: All it takes is one bad eyeball.
Thirteen: Or testicle, cow brain, or my personal favorite, pig rectum, with a side order of sphincter.
[Chase has been eating as they talk, and Thirteen leans over him as she lists all the disgusting animal parts Miles has made his knights eat. Chase grins and takes a big bite out of his sandwich]
Taub: I think they call that breakfast in Australia.
House: No one else was sick, because they weren't allergic like he was.
Foreman: To what?
House: That's what I sent you to Middle-earth to find out. (House tosses the cow eye to Foreman) Run scratch tests for the samples you brought back.
Chase: That's gonna take time, and he's getting worse.
House: (testily) So treat him with epinephrine too.
[The team exits, leaving House sitting on the conference room desk, rubbing his leg again]
[Cut to Foreman injecting the epinephrine into William’s IV line]
Foreman: This should prevent any more symptoms until we can figure out what it is you're allergic to.
Shannon: Told you you shouldn't have eaten all that stuff.
William: (to Shannon) You know, you don't have to stay. I'm sure you and Miles are crazy busy, what with the wedding and all.
Shannon: Miles said we could postpone it until—
William: Don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll be there. I just hope you have a good photographer, 'cause I don't think the standard red-eye filter is gonna work on these.
Thirteen: I need your right arm.
[Thirteen takes William’s arm and scratches it with one of the potential allergens]
William: That, uh... feels — feels strange.
[The monitor starts beeping]
Shannon: What is it? What's wrong?
Thirteen: His heart rate's become irregular.
William: My — my chest hurts. It feels like it's gonna explode.
Foreman: Tachycardia — we need to shock him back into rhythm.
Shannon: Oh, my God, William.
Thirteen: I need his gown open.
[Foreman pulls open William’s gown to reveal an ugly red rash on his chest. William looks down at it]
William: What is — what is that stuff?
Foreman: I don't know.
[Thirteen shocks William’s chest with the defibrillator paddles]
[Cut to the team discussing this new symptom in the hallway outside William’s room]
Foreman: It's definitely not an allergy, or the epi would have helped him, not made him worse.
House: (sitting on the nurse’s station counter and rubbing his leg) Unless he's allergic and allergic to the cure. Sodium bisulfite — the preservative that keeps epi peppy — can cause tachycardia.
Taub: So can Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, and it also causes hemorrhaging in the eyes.
Chase: And abnormal electrical pathways in the heart, which could cause seizures.
Foreman: But not skin infections.
Thirteen: There is an infection that can cause skin and neurological damage and spreads rapidly without treatment.
Foreman: Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus?
House: Lord have MRSA.
Thirteen: (to Foreman) You weren't wearing gloves when we shocked his heart back into rhythm.
[House looks at Foreman and moves quickly away from him]
House: I'm sure you'll be fine. (pointing to Taub and Chase) You two get a sample to the lab to confirm, (to Thirteen) you get the Knight into isolation and on I.V. antibiotics. (to Foreman) You... stay away from me. (He leaves quickly)
[Cut to House barging into Cuddy’s office]
House: Need to talk.
Cuddy: About the MRSA? I know, we're—
House: (sitting in a chair in front of the desk) MRSA, shmrsa. Something important.
Cuddy: Something you think is more important than the potentially lethal bacteria spreading like wildfire through my hospital? Well, that narrows it down to something personal and stupid.
Cuddy: Theory confirmed. He is dating his first wife. I know.
House: I don't believe it.
Cuddy: That he didn't ask your permission first?
House: No, that he's actually capable of keeping a secret from me.
Cuddy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things Wilson doesn't tell you.
House: (chuckling and leaning forward in the chair) Would I? Like — like how you slept with your father's best friend or...
Cuddy: I'm gonna kill him.
House: You need to break them up.
Cuddy: Forget it.
House: So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time? You remember what he was like after that?
Cuddy: Yes, I do.
House: Well, then do something. (leaning back in the chair) God knows he's not gonna listen to me. You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers. Obviously, I don't include myself.
Cuddy: You know what happens when you interfere in other people's relationships?
House: Of course. I do it all the time. Hmm, I see your point.
Cuddy: That is why I'm staying out of this. You force him to choose, you might not like the answer.
[Cut to William and Shannon in an isolation room. Thirteen enters, both she and Shannon are wearing masks and gowns]
Shannon: He doesn't seem to be in as much pain anymore.
Thirteen: That's good, but we won't be out of the woods for sure until the blisters start to recede.
William: (to Shannon) Hey, I'm really thirsty. You mind getting me a soda?
Shannon: Sure, I'll be right back. (She leaves the room)
[Thirteen is preparing the IV bag. As soon as Shannon leaves, William groans and starts breathing harder]
Thirteen: What's wrong?
William: The pain in my chest, it's getting worse.
Thirteen: Just now?
William: No, I didn't want to worry her.
Thirteen: So how long have you been in love with her?
William: What? No, we're just friends. Seriously.
[William realizes that Thirteen doesn’t believe him]
William: Since the first time I saw her.
Thirteen: Why don't you tell her?
William: She's engaged to my friend.
Thirteen: The King? Haven't seen him visiting or sitting by your bedside.
William: He has responsibilities.
Thirteen: Yeah. I'm guessing the Queen does too.
William: What kind of Knight steals his friend's bride? I hate that I even think about it.
Thirteen: You're not a Knight. You're just a guy.
William: But I want to be more than that.
[He groans again]
Thirteen: Your chest?
William: No, my — my back. Feels like there's a knife in it.
[William rolls to his side and Thirteen pulls his gown away from his back revealing that the rash is spreading]
William: Is the infection spreading?
[Cut to Chase and Taub running tests in the lab]
Chase: (looking at the monitor) It's not MRSA. It looks like some sort of clostridial organism.
Taub: Question is, which type of clostridium?
Chase: There's hundreds. C. Perfringens?
Taub: Wouldn't account for his other symptoms. C. Tetani, on the other hand...
Chase: Tetanus, he — he would have been inoculated against it.
Taub: So he cut himself and didn't get a booster shot. The guy fights people with swords for fun. No one said he's smart.
Chase: They don't just fight for fun. They fight to prove their bravery.
Taub: You're buying this honor stuff? Fighting's not brave. It's just stupid.
Chase: You would say that.
Taub: You think I've never been in a fight?
Chase: No, I just think you've never won one.
Taub: I took on three guys in college once.
House: (coming into the lab) Hope they bought you dinner first.
Chase: It's not MRSA.
House: I know, it's poison Ivy.
Chase: Poison Ivy?
Taub: A severe reaction could cause the blisters and maybe irritate his eyes enough to cause the hemorrhaging, but the chest pain and seizures...
House: They have bonfires every night. The burning leaves aerosolizes the oil. We've seen what it's done to the outside of his body. Imagine what it's doing to his lungs and his sinuses.
Chase: Okay, maybe it remotely fits, but I'd rather go with scientific evidence than with your gut.
[House holds up his right arm. He has a rash similar to William’s on his wrist and forearm]
House: How about this? Apparently, it's all over his sword.
[Chase and Taub’s pagers go off and they rush to join Thirteen in William’s isolation room]
Thirteen: It's his heart rate again.
Taub: How fast is it?
Thirteen: It's slowing, why aren't you-
Taub: It's not MRSA.
Chase: I'm giving him 12 ccs epinephrine.
Taub: He tested positive. You'll blow his heart out!
Chase: (pushing the epinephrine into the IV tube) If it slows any more, it's gonna stop.
[The monitor stops beeping and goes flat]
Taub: I told you.
[Thirteen is preparing to do CPR when the monitor comes back on, showing a steady heartbeat]
Chase: And I told you. (He sighs)
[Cut to House and the team standing outside William’s isolation room]
Taub: That wasn't caused by poison Ivy.
Foreman: Or epinephrine. That means the heart problem we ruled out, we now have to rule back in.
Chase: We found clostridium bacteria in the skin samples.
Thirteen: Clostridium's in dirt and basically harmless.
Chase: But opportunistic, if his immune system is depressed.
Foreman: He would have had symptoms way before the Renaissance Festival.
House: Which is true of anything that would compromise his immune system, which means it has to be some other environmental toxin. Yesterday he was a healthy Knight, today he's Sleeping Beauty. Nothing else fits.
Chase: Trichinosis from eating infected meat?
Thirteen: We already ruled out food poisoning. Both the butcher shop and the food stands at the fair were totally clean.
House: Then he ate the poison apple somewhere else. Or maybe you just missed it. Start treatment for trichinosis and confirm with a muscle biopsy. (He leaves)
[Cut to House leaving for the day. Wilson is standing at the main desk as he approaches]
Wilson: Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam…
House: Told you so.
Wilson: No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.
House: Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.
Wilson: It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.
Wilson: She thinks I was hiding her from you.
House: You were.
Wilson: I don't want her to know.
House: So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.
House: When and where?
Wilson: Tonight, Venezia, 8:00.
House: What am I gonna wear? All my cereal boxes are at the cleaners.
Wilson: House, listen. I know you're worried about me, and I also know that that kind of unselfishness doesn't come naturally to you. But I don't want your help. I don't need your help. Just come to dinner and be your usual selfish self.
House: How could I say no? (He smiles and heads for the exit)
[Cut to Shannon visiting William. He is back in a regular room]
Shannon: Miles said he'd stop by later.
William: No, tell him not to. I don't want to be seen like this.
Shannon: You're sick, that's nothing to be ashamed of... Un-unless you're saying you want me to leave.
William: (grabbing her hand) No, don't.
Thirteen: I think he's saying it's different with you, Shannon. It's a guy thing — they don't like showing weakness in front of each other. Right William?
William: Right. Maybe when I'm feeling a little better.
Thirteen: (pulling over a tray of instruments) I'm gonna take a small sample of your muscle tissue here. (to Shannon) Do you mind waiting outside for this?
Shannon: Don't hurt him.
Thirteen: He's safe with me.
William: I thought you were gonna tell her.
Thirteen: It's not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to.
William: Knights are supposed to be selfless.
Thirteen: Right, they conquered countries and built Castles by being selfless. Bravery and loyalty are great qualities, for soldiers. If you want to be King, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours.
William: Ah! (He grunts as Thirteen inserts a needle) She's not mine.
Thirteen: She's not his either... Not yet.
[Cut to Sam and Wilson sitting at a table in a nice restaurant]
Sam: It's just dinner. Relax.
Wilson: Trust me, there is no "just" when House is involved.
Sam: We're in the middle of a restaurant. What could he possibly...(She pauses, looking across the room) Do?
Wilson: (Following her gaze) That.
[House is coming toward them with a woman, obviously a transvestite, on his arm]
House: Sorry we're late. But you know girls. Always fiddling with the hair and the makeup. James, Sam.... this is Sarah.
Sarah: It's nice to meet you. Horace has told me all—
House: (correcting her) House.
Sarah: House... has told me all about you.
[Sarah shakes hands with both Wilson and Sam]
Sam: It's nice to meet you.
[House is looking very smug as he shakes out his napkin]
[Cut to Foreman entering the lab with two cups of coffee. He gives one cup to Thirteen]
Foreman: What's the diagnosis?
Thirteen: His muscle biopsy is clean. It's not trichinosis. House was wrong, this is not environmental.
Foreman: Or we screwed up and missed something at the Renaissance Faire.
Thirteen: You think we did?
Foreman: No, but I think House will think we did.
Thirteen: What could we have missed?
Foreman: Fungal infection.
Thirteen: There's nothing in his blood work even remotely suggesting that.
Foreman: It fits his symptoms.
Thirteen: You wanna re-test every sample we took for spores? We'll be here all night.
Foreman: Have you noticed how much pain he's been in lately?
Thirteen: And that's relevant how?
Foreman: Extra pain means extra cranky, it means off his game. He's not gonna accept this isn't environmental unless we give him no choice.
[Back at the restaurant, Wilson, Sam and Sarah are laughing and getting along famously, which annoys House]
Sam: I cannot believe you're from Bloomington.
Sarah: I know, isn't it amazing?
House: (sarcastically) Yeah, delightful.
Wilson: Ignore him. He's just upset that we're having fun.
Sarah: Do you remember that little bakery, the one with the amazing cupcakes?
Sarah: Oh, yes!
Sam: First stop, every time I go home.
Sarah: Oh, me too...Mmm!
Sam: Remember that strip club?
Sarah: Girl, I used to work at that strip club.
[As they all laugh, House covers his ears with his hands]
[Cut to William’s hospital room. Shannon is with him. He is crying out in pain and monitors are beeping. Foreman and Thirteen hurry into the room]
Thirteen: Where does it hurt, William?
William: My legs, it feels like they're on fire!
[They pull back the blanket to reveal that his knees are red and swollen]
[Cut to the hallway outside of William’s room. The whole team is gathered. House pops a couple of Ibuprophen and rubs his right leg. He is clearly in pain]
Thirteen: Rhabdomyolysis means his kidneys are failing.
Foreman: Also means it's not environmental. We need to move on.
Taub: I recommend we start with a full cancer workup, starting with the—
House: Which one of you checked out the apartment?
House: His symptoms fit an environmental—
Foreman: The test results don't, we redid—
House: Search the apartment.
Thirteen: He hasn't been there in three weeks—
House: (interrupting, and shouting at them as he walks away) Go! Now!
Chase: I liked him better when he was on Vicodin.
Foreman: (to Chase) You and Thirteen check out his place. While you're wasting your time, we'll ultrasound the liver. If it's cancer, it's as good a place as any to start.
[Cut to Cuddy working her way through the cafeteria line. Wilson falls into place beside her]
[They both look uncomfortable]
Cuddy: I hear House met Sam.
Wilson: First time, he was naked. The second time he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
[Cuddy takes the salad, which is handed to her, and moves on down the line]
Wilson: That's your reaction?
Cuddy: (taking an apple from a bowl) What?
Wilson: Nudity, prostitute...
Cuddy: Sorry, preoccupied.
Wilson: House said something to you, didn't he?
Cuddy: (paying for her lunch and walking away) Nope. He didn't.
[Cut to Wilson sitting down across from Cuddy at cafeteria booth. He has no food]
Wilson: It is a little crazy, though. I mean... isn't it? I mean... things seem to be going great. But they seemed to be going great 12 years ago. The good things are still good. She's still smart, funny, gets me. And she's less competitive. Either she's changed, or I've changed. But, either way... Am I out of my mind?
Cuddy: You never know what can happen. You might as well give it a chance.
[Cuddy looks like she wants to say more, but Wilson is happy with her response and he smiles]
Wilson: (nodding) Yeah.
[Cut to Taub doing the ultrasound on William’s liver. He and Foreman are both looking at the monitor, which shows multiple black blotches on a field of white]
Taub: Looks like you were right. Tumors... dozens of them. Inside, and on the surface.
Foreman: Pull in closer.
[Taub pushes some buttons and the image is magnified. One of the blotches expands and then just vanishes]
Foreman: See that?
Taub: What is that?
Foreman: I don't know. But it's definitely not cancer.
[Cut to a closeup of a large medieval diorama of soldiers on a battlefield. The scene is accompanied by music of the era. The camera pans up on Thirteen’s face as she marvels at the detail of the display. She and Chase are searching William’s apartment]
Thirteen: Kitchen's clean.
Chase: (coming in from another room) Bedroom as well. Most dangerous thing in his medicine cabinet was dental floss.
[Chase tries to open another door off the room]
Thirteen: It's locked, key wasn't on his ring.
Chase: Do you honestly want to go back and tell House we didn't check every square inch of this place?
Thirteen: Of course not.
[Chase nods, and, looking very macho, backs up, then rams the door with his shoulder. The door remains closed. Chase falls to the floor with a groan, but his action has jarred the key loose from above the door jam, and it falls to the floor]
[She steps over Chase and picks up the key]
Thirteen: My hero.
[Chase gets up as Thirteen unlocks the door and moves into the room. It is full of skulls, pentagrams, and other satanic symbols]
Chase: What the hell is this?
Thirteen: Either a secret entrance to Hogwarts, or... our Knight... is a witch.
[She closes a large book which has a pentagram on the cover and is entitled Necronomicon]
[The shot transitions to the same book being opened by Chase, who is sitting at the diagnostics room table with the rest of the team]
Chase: Our Knight is into some seriously creepy stuff.
[Foreman examines a glass container of green liquid]
Thirteen: He claims it's just sugar water but we sent the rest down to the lab for testing.
Taub: Do you think he poisoned himself?
[House wanders into the scene, chewing on a pencil as he listens to the team running a new differential]
Foreman: It's not poison, we would have picked it up in his blood work.
Taub: Not if it collected slowly in his liver and it all started leaking into his system at once.
[House stops abruptly and looks at the pencil he had in his mouth. He looks over at the collection of stuff from William’s apartment]
Taub: These tumors that aren't tumors, what if they're focal hepatic lesions filled with blood? Every time one explodes it'd be releasing another dose.
Thirteen: Of what?
[While they are talking, House has sat down and picked up one of the miniature soldiers which Chase and Thirteen brought back from William’s apartment. He scrapes at it with a pocket knife]
House: (holding up the toy soldier) Plumbum nigrum.
Chase: You putting a hex on someone?
Foreman: It's Latin, for black lead.
House: Our Knight/Warlock apparently also dabbles in alchemy.
Chase: Lead poisoning.
Taub: Seizures, paralysis, weak immune system, and eventually, coma.
House: Biopsy the cysts, and you'll find your lead.
[Cut to Wilson and Sam entering Wilson’s condo]
Sam: You think we'll make the 7:30?
Wilson: (putting his coat, mail and briefcase on the entry table) I'm sorry, if I don't change, I'm gonna feel like I'm at work all night.
Sam: Yeah, I remember.
Wilson: Is it a problem?
Sam: Not at all. (putting her arms around his neck) In fact, if we hurry—
[They kiss in the entry hall]
Wilson: We will definitely not make the 7:30.
Sam: Well, there's always the 9:40.
Wilson: (as they kiss again) Hmm.
[They continue to make out until they hear House singing and realize they are not alone. Sam sighs]
Sam: Or not.
[The scene shifts to House in the kitchen, wearing an apron, and spooning some filling into canapés. He is singing Pastime with Good Company. Sam and Wilson enter]
Wilson: Shouldn't you be at the hospital?
House: Wouldn't need a team if I did all the work, now, would I? Plus, I had to make you dinner.
Wilson: We have plans.
House: I bet your plans don't taste like this.
[He approaches them with the tray of canapés]
Wilson: (stopping Sam from taking one) Don't! House, whatever it is that you're up to
House: I'm trying to be nice. What I did the other night was juvenile. I'm sorry.
[Sam takes a canapé. The camera shifts to an exterior shot of the condo. Through the window, Sam, Wilson and House are seen having supper]
[The scene shifts back inside. The three of them seem to be enjoying themselves]
Sam: The souffle was amazing.
House: (He pours more wine for each of them) It's my mom's recipe. Everything else, I got off the Web.
Wilson: Here's to the Internet.
[They clink glasses in a toast]
House: Where I found the lamb ragout, and you two found each other... Again.
Wilson: Well, it wasn't just the Internet.
Sam: Yeah, more like, divorce, depression, therapy, more therapy, and the Internet.
House: And here we are.
Wilson: Exactly. And here we are.
Wilson: Well, I need to go to the bathroom.
House: I think you're old enough, now. But if you would like me to come along with you...
Wilson: I mean, is it safe to leave the two of you?
Sam: Come on, James. Enough, already.
House: Yeah, James, I cook in peace.
Wilson: Okay. I'll be right back.
[Wilson leaves to go to the bathroom. House leans forward toward Sam with a pleasant smile on his face]
House: You're a cold-hearted bitch, who ripped his heart out. I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did. And there's no way I'm going to just let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again.
Sam: And all this?
House: Phase two of getting to know my enemy.
Sam: You're wrong about me. But I'm glad now I don't have to pretend to like you, except for when James is standing next to me.
House: Same here. Only difference is, I'll outlast you.
[They hear the bathroom door close. House gestures with his hand as if lowering a theatre curtain and picks up his wine glass]
House: End scene.
Wilson: (coming back into the room) Well, it's too late for the movie. Wanna see what's on tv?
Sam: Love to.
[Cut to the team gathered in House’s office. House enters]
Foreman: There wasn't any lead present in his blood work or liver biopsy.
Taub: And his heart rate and BP are getting even more erratic.
Chase: We had to shock it back into rhythm twice during the night.
[House takes off his backpack and twirls his cane]
House: There's only one thing left to do.
[Cut to House and Thirteen at the Renaissance Faire. This time they are both dressed in period costume. Thirteen seems uncomfortable with the low-cut bodice of the dress she is wearing. House, of course, is appreciative. They talk as they walk down the crowded dirt street]
Thirteen: We're wasting our time.
House: Actually, I've already gotten good value.
Thirteen: I told you, there's nothing here that could have caused any of his symptoms.
House: No, you told me that you couldn't find anything here that could be causing the symptoms.
Thirteen: And now we're gonna find something new because we're in costume? We looked everywhere, tested everything. Just because Wilson's acting stupid doesn't mean we are.
House: Do you think he's making a mistake?
Thirteen: Of course. But he'll figure it out, sooner or later. Hopefully, after a few weeks of great sex. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
House: Wilson's not like us. He cares too much about people and their feelings.
Thirteen: Thanks for the compliment.
House: The code that our Knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and chivalry. Wilson's naturally like that, which is why he's—
Thirteen: A great guy.
House: A sucker and a target. So we gotta look out for him. Do you smell that?
Thirteen: Yeah, it's the apothecary shop. And yes, Foreman and I already... (she is talking to herself as House has already headed toward the apothecary shop)
[Cut to inside the shop]
Shop Clerk: I cry your pardon, Sir.
House: (picking a bottle off a shelf) You know what this is?
Shop Clerk: Well, that's lavender.
House: Try rose hips. (He puts it back)
Thirteen: Both harmless, who cares?
House: It could be cyanide as far as he knows. (He picks up another bottle) How about this?
Shop Clerk: It be nothing but St. John's Wort.
House: Wrong again. Black cohash.
Shop Clerk: My Uncle owns the shop. I just started apprenticing. What the big deal?
[House notices some dried herbs hanging from a line at the back of the shop. He rummages through them]
Shop Clerk: Hey! I just organized all that.
House: (holding up a tuberous plant) You know what this is?
Shop Clerk: A wild carrot?
House: It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle.
Shop Clerk: That's hemlock? You sure?
House: Did you sell it to anyone?
Thirteen: It's poison; think hard.
Shop Clerk: It was just one branch.
House: You sold it to Sir William?
Shop Clerk: No. To the King.
House: (He looks at Thirteen) It's the only part of the environment you didn't check. The people living in it.
[Cut to Miles and Shannon in a waiting room at PPTH. House and Thirteen come in, still in costume]
Miles: What's going on? Why can't we see William?
House: Because you poisoned him. Your royal anus. (He holds up the hemlock) With this.
Miles: Wild carrots?
House: Hemlock. I need to know how much you used and how you prepared it.
Shannon: You did something to William?
Miles: No, of course not!
Thirteen: He's still alive. You want to avoid a murder charge, start talking fast.
House: The apothecary's willing to testify that you're the only one he gave it to.
Miles: Okay, yeah, maybe I bought it for the food challenge, but I didn't know that was hemlock.
House: If it was for the challenge, then why is wee Willie the only Knight who's dying?
Miles: I don't know! I'm telling you, I didn't know. Why would I want to hurt William?
Thirteen: I can think of at least one reason.
Shannon: Miles, please. Whatever happened, just tell them the truth.
Miles: I am! I swear.
[Cut to House and Thirteen (still in costume) entering William’s room where the rest of the team is waiting]
Foreman: We ran a gas chromatography on his blood. Found trace amounts of piperidine alkaloids.
Chase: The main markers of hemlock intoxication.
House: Well, the good news is we now know what's wrong with you. The bad news is that your King's precious ideals were just pretend after all. At least, when it comes to guys who get too close to his Queen.
William: It's not true.
House: I guess you've never heard the expression, "gas chromatography machines don't lie."
William: Neither does Miles. He's the best Knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen King.
House: Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.
Taub: Uh, something's wrong. We performed a gastric lavage and administered activated charcoal, but he's getting worse, not better.
House: Well, it's been in his system two days. We're lucky he's lasted this long.
Taub: If it was hemlock, he'd either be dead already or getting better with treatment.
Foreman: It's hemlock, we found it in his blood.
Taub: He may have had some hemlock, but it's not what's killing him.
[Cut to House staring at his reflection in the sword. He is sitting in the Eames chair in his office]
Lucas: Don't do it! (Lucas comes into the office) Whatever you're planning, especially if you're gonna use that thing. Geez.
House: It was just sitting in a stone.
Lucas: (tossing an envelope onto House’s lap) Here. It's gonna cost extra, because of the level of detail that you wanted.
House: Anything good? And by good, I, of course, mean bad.
Lucas: (sitting down on House’s desk) Nope, pretty much your typical life. Married young, got divorced. Married a little less young, got divorced. She's been pretty successful in everything she's done, except marriage.
House: (getting up from the chair) Well, there's gotta be something I can use.
Lucas: Maybe. Didn't read her shrink's notes. Didn't seem right.
House: But stealing them did.
Lucas: Whoa, I didn't steal them. I found a way to obtain them.
[Sam enters through the open door of the office. House turns to look at her as she speaks]
Sam: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but you got a minute?
Lucas: Sure. (House looks back at Lucas) Oh, him? Yeah, I was just leaving.
[Lucas leaves and House brandishes the sword as Sam moves closer]
House: Careful. I have a sword.
Sam: (pushing the sword toward the floor) I don't agree with what you said. But I understand why you said it. We were married young, we both made mistakes, and yes, I did make most of them. But that was almost a decade ago.
House: I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking?
Sam: I'm not asking you to like me, House. To be honest, I think you're an ass. But we do have one thing in common. We care about James.
House: So prove it. And dump him... again.
Sam: You're pretty much insufferable all the time, aren't you?
House: Sorry, go on. And, yes.
Sam: We just reconnected; we have no idea where we're headed. But is it really too much to ask that you give us a chance to find out?
[She looks sincere and House manages to keep his mouth shut for once]
Sam: I'm sure I'll be seeing you around.
[As Sam leaves, House has his “a ha” moment. He picks up the sword from his desk and holding it up in front of himself, kisses the shiny blade]
[Cut to the radiology viewing room. House is explaining his theory to the team]
House: We did it. Well, I did it.
Chase: What exactly did we do? You do?
House: These aren't focal hepatic lesions on his liver, they're peliosis hepatis lesions. Which in combination with an erratic heart rate, usually indicates—
Foreman: Endocarditis. Infection on his heart valve.
House: Two major symptoms of anabolic steroid abuse.
Thirteen: No, he wouldn't.
Taub: And the rhabdo makes the third.
House: Our patient's a juicer. Ancient poison accelerated the damage of the modern poison. Start treatment; let the King out of the tower.
[Cut to Thirteen entering William’s hospital room]
Thirteen: How are you feeling?
Thirteen: You should be. You'll compromise your ideals to win a fight, but not to go for the woman you love.
William: That was a game. Not real life. I didn't—
Thirteen: Hurt anyone? Try telling that to Shannon. Or maybe I missed something while she was crying by your bed. You don't need to win anyone's heart. You just need to ask for it.
[Just the Motion by Richard and Linda Thompson begins to play in the background]
William: Miles, is a great guy. He's rich, smart, treats her well. She's gonna have a great life with him. But me? Well, I'd do everything I could for her, but even at my best, it wouldn't be much. And she deserves the best. I guess I'd rather she be happy even if it means I'm not.
Thirteen: I guess House was right about that, too.
Thirteen: You really are an idiot.
[As the music continues to play, the camera cuts to a brief exterior shot of PPTH at night, then to House sitting in his office at the end of the day. He picks up the envelope marked “confidential” which Lucas brought, and prepares to open it. Instead, he puts it, unopened, in the wastebasket and picks up the bottle of Ibuprofen sitting on the desktop. He shakes out some pills and takes them, washing them down with whatever beverage is in his red mug]