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House MD – 5.15 Unfaithful

Originally Aired: February 16, 2009

Written by: David Hoselton
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Tammy (beckston)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Scene opens on a church basement meeting room. Daniel (the priest) and Eileen (a parishioner) are cleaning up tables after a church event. They sound tired but appear to be almost finished]

Daniel: It's okay, Eileen. I got this.

Eileen: Are you sure?

Daniel: Yeah. You get home.

Eileen: Thanks, Danny. See you in the morning.

Daniel: I'll be here.

[Eileen leaves]

[Daniel is putting some flyers away on a rack when there is a knock on the door. He walks up a flight of stairs and opens the door to Daryl]

Daniel: Food's gone, Daryl. We're closed.

Daryl: You wouldn't happen to have an extra coat in there, would you?

Daniel: You're wearing a coat.

Daryl: A winter coat, man. It's cold.

Daniel: Come on. (Daniel rummages through some bags of donated clothes and comes up with a sweatshirt. He hands it to Daryl) Here.

Daryl: (looking at the back of the sweatshirt) Rangers? You expect me to wear this in Jersey? (He gets no response from Daniel) Come on, man, where's your sense of humor?

Daniel: Good night, Daryl.

[He leaves Daryl to let himself out, turns out the lights in the meeting room and goes through a door, which leads to his living quarters]

[Here Daniel engages in some very unpriestlike behavior; lighting a cigarette and pouring and drinking a glass of hard liquor. He finally puts out the cigarette, takes off his sweater and his clerical collar and lights the burner in a gas fireplace.]

[Later Daniel can be seen reading, praying, and drinking more alcohol. He appears to be worried about something]

Daniel: Go away.

[Someone is pounding on the door. Daniel goes back into the meeting room and up the stairs to the door. He pulls it open and just stands there for a second, then he shakes his head]

Daniel: That's not funny, freak.

[Cut to a figure of Jesus Christ standing at the door. He is bloody, wearing a crown of thorns, and there are holes in his hands as he would appear after the crucifixion]

Christ: No one is laughing, Daniel.

[Daniel stares for a moment, then looks down to find that the Christ figure is hovering above the ground rather than standing on it. He looks back up at the Christ and now appears to be very frightened. The camera pulls back to show Daniel standing at the door and the Christ figure floating a few inches off the ground]

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene opens on House just coming into work at PPTH. He stops at the main desk to pick up his messages. Cuddy is standing there also holding a stack of messages]

Cuddy: You doing anything Friday?

House: Taking a lovely young lady to the Philharmonic.

Cuddy: That your way of saying you're having sex with a hooker?

House: Two. Can't create a harmonic with just one.

[House moves toward the elevator. Cuddy follows]

Cuddy: Well, I was hoping you might be available for Rachel’s Simchat Bat. It's a…

House: Jewish baby-naming ceremony, a time-honored tradition dating all the way back to the 1960s.

Cuddy: My house at 7:00. It'll just be the rabbi and a few friends and some family.

[They have reached the elevator. House pushes the button]

House: Nothing like welcoming a baby into the world with a completely naked display of hypocrisy.

Cuddy: There'll be plenty of wine and nice people you can quietly mock.

House: Wish I could, but I already put down a deposit on 16 crates of Jell-O.

[The elevator arrives and House steps in. Cuddy puts her hand on the door to prevent it from closing]

Cuddy: House… It's one evening. I'd like you to be there.

House: Religious hokum, get sponge bath. Can I get back to you?

[Cuddy lets go of the elevator door and it closes]

[Cut to later, in the ER, where House is looking through the patient files. Cameron approaches]]

Cameron: Can I help you?

House: Just browsing. Thanks. Happy to be underachieving again?

Cameron: Running the ER is slacker heaven. Looking for anything in particular?

House: (looking at a file) Not anymore. Where's this guy?

Cameron: Why?

House: 'Cause he's my next patient. It'd be rude of me not to introduce myself.

[Cameron glances at the file and then over to an ER cubicle where Daniel can be seen lying on the bed]

Cameron: He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus.

House: Afraid you might have missed something?

Cameron: Afraid you're wasting everyone's time? It's obviously either alcohol or exhaustion.

House: So you admit you have no idea which?

Cameron: I admit that I'm too busy to care who you're screwing with. (She walks away)

House: Don't thank me. Just knowing I can be of assistance is thanks enough.

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The team is running a differential on Daniel. House is writing “hallucinations’ on the whiteboard]

Taub: You went out of your way to pick him? This is nothing.

[House puts down the marker and takes his cane from where he hung it on the whiteboard]

House: There are no small cases. Any guesses where this joke is going?

[Taub smiles briefly and Thirteen grins]

House: Could be psychomotor epilepsy…

Taub: Could be alcohol. Shouldn't we let the ER rule the obvious out —

House: Atropine toxicity, occipital lobe tumor.

Kutner: You know something about this case you're not telling us?

House: Why would you think that?

Thirteen: 'Cause you want to screw with us.

Kutner: Or screw with a hallucinating priest.

House: Both are possible. There's only one day to find out. Run an EEG for epilepsy. CT his brain for tumors. And go check his House Of God for toxins.

[They all get up to go perform their assigned tasks]

House: Fourteen, hold up. (Thirteen and Foreman stop) This department is broken, (House sits down at the head of the table) and I'm not gonna take a real case until it's fixed. Job or relationship — your choice.

Foreman: What?

House: To put it in terms you might better understand, if you don't split, you must quit.

Foreman: The drug trial is over. I’m out, she's out.

House: Don't care.

Thirteen: We're adults. We can handle this. You just have to give us a chance.

House: No, you're not. No, you can’t. And no, I don’t. Mull it over. You got until the end of this fake case to decide.

[Foreman and Thirteen look at each other and leave]

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room where Taub and Kutner are preparing to perform the EEG. Kutner finishes attaching the electrodes and switches on the monitor]

Daniel: I wasn't drunk. I had one or two drinks.

Taub: People often underestimate alcohol's effect on their —

Daniel: I was on my way to six. I know how alcohol affects me. This wasn't the alcohol.

Kutner: (looking at Daniel’s file) You lived in Manhattan for three years. Then a year in Oregon, 18 months in New Mexico, less than a year in Wisconsin, and now you've been living in Trenton for the last six months.

Daniel: Yep.

Kutner: The more we know about you, the more likely it is we can help you.

Daniel: Mm, it's not medically relevant, so —

Taub: No way to know unless you went to medical school.

Daniel: Four years ago, a teen in a youth group at my church accused me of inappropriate contact. I was innocent, but the church decided to transfer me, said it would be easier for all involved. When the parishioners at the new church got wind of why I'd been transferred, they were unhappy. I was sent off again and again, and how is any of that medically relevant?

Taub: So the kid lied?

Daniel: He was confused.

Taub: Confused whether you molested him or not?

Daniel: Okay, you wanted to know why I moved around so much, and I told you. How about telling me why I was hallucinating?

Taub: Syphilis could explain the hallucination.

Daniel: I'm not sexually active.

Taub: You don't have to admit you did anything with the kid. You weren't always a priest.

Daniel: I wanted to be since I was 12. I entered the seminary when I was 17.

Taub: Maybe it wasn't a hallucination. Maybe it really was Jesus.

Daniel: I'm not insane.

Kutner: Seeing Jesus makes you insane? A bit of an odd attitude coming from a priest.

Daniel: Well, it's just a job now. The fairy tale ended a long time ago.

[Cut to House and Wilson working their way through the cafeteria line]

House: You're a wuss — part wimp, part puss.

Wilson: I have no choice. I'm part of the ceremony.

House: I thought you were already circumcised.

Wilson: It's one night for a friend.

House: What about the friend who has two tickets to Brubeck at the Blue Note?

Wilson: I thought you had an orgy planned.

House: I lied.

Wilson: Are you lying about the Brubeck tickets?

House: Yes, but only to save you from yourself.

Wilson: I'll be fine, and so will Cuddy if you don't show up. I'm surprised she even invited you.

House: (wondering) It is oddly flattering.

[Cut to Foreman and Thirteen sitting at the counter in a bar]

Thirteen: God, I'm so sick of his stupid stunts.

Foreman: Everybody has to put up with their boss's stupid stunts.

Thirteen: No, they don't. There's HR. There's Cuddy. There's other jobs.

Foreman: House doesn't listen to HR. Cuddy will let him fire us before she fires him, and I don't want another job.

Thirteen: Why do you cling to him? Why do you defend him?

Foreman: Just because I don't want to be unemployed doesn't mean I'm codependent.

Thirteen: I'm not saying you're codependent. I'm saying you're scared.

Foreman: You know what? You're right.

Thirteen: So you wanna quit?

Foreman: No, I wanna stop a stupid stunt. House doesn't want either one of us to quit. He wants this. He's got two lab rats in a maze and thrown in one piece of cheese.

Thirteen: S — so what do we do?

Foreman: Nothing.

[Cut to House, Taub, and Kutner walking down a hospital corridor]

House: Cool.

Taub: It's cool he's a child molester?

House: It's cool the priest doesn't believe in God. It's cool that God did to him what he did to the kid.

Kutner: Allegedly.

House: You think he's innocent?

Taub: He had honest eyes?

House: And you think he's guilty, which explains why you're dying to discharge him.

Taub: I'm dying to discharge him because he's not sick, not because he's a pedophile.

Kutner: Allegedly.

Taub: You actually believe the kid got confused?

Kutner: If everybody lies, that includes teenage boys.

House: Aren't we lucky to have such an interesting patient?

Taub: Had — there's nothing wrong with him.

House: The world's most boring case just became a page turner, you want to tear out the last chapter?

[They have stopped in front of the elevator. House pushes the button]

Taub: You want to examine his character, go to a soup kitchen. We are done testing him for things he doesn't have.

House: (to himself) Bad news for Foreman and Thirteen. (He gets on the elevator, leaving Kutner and Taub looking puzzled)

[Cut to House’s office. House is sitting behind his desk. Foreman and Thirteen are standing in front of the desk]

House: Case is over.

Thirteen: We're not splitting up.

House: So which one of you is taking a hike?

Foreman: And neither of us is quitting.

House: Interesting.

Foreman: You were fine with Chase and Cameron dating. You obviously don't actually have an issue —

House: (to Foreman) You're fired.

Foreman: How long are you gonna keep this up? We know you're not —

House: Wrong. Again. In fact, in the last few weeks, it's hard to remember a correct call you made. If Chase had compromised his professional judgment to help Cameron, I’d have fired his ass, too.

Foreman: When my mistake blew up, you did everything to keep me from contacting the drug company.

House: To save your license, not your job, and definitely not your relationship. So, badge. (He holds out his hand)

Foreman: Fine.

[Foreman tosses his hospital badge on the desk and leaves. House puts the badge in a desk drawer and turns back to Thirteen]

House: Why don't you see if you can find us a real case. (She leaves)

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room. Taub and Kutner are both with him]

Daniel: How can you discharge me when you have no idea what's wrong?

Taub: We know what's wrong, and now that you've slept it off…

Daniel: It's not just a hallucination. I feel nauseous. My foot feels numb like it's fallen asleep.

Kutner: You didn't mention that before.

Daniel: I didn't notice it before.

Taub: Are you hiding from someone? Why are you so intent on staying here?

Daniel: I don't feel well. I know there's something wrong with me.

Kutner: Which foot?

Daniel: My left.

[Kutner puts on latex gloves and pulls back the blanket to examine Daniel’s foot]

Kutner: Oh, God.

[He holds up something small and black]

Daniel: What the hell is that? What is that?

Kutner: Your toe just fell off.

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is standing in front of the whiteboard looking at Daniel’s toe, which has been put in a specimen jar full of liquid. Only Taub and Kutner are present]

House: Must be my lucky day. New symptom means the old symptom was a real symptom, and I get to keep our pederast priest after all.

Kutner: Where are Foreman and Thirteen?

House: They left.

House: Leprosy can cause necrosis and hallucination.

[House tosses the specimen cup to Taub and writes “necrosis” on the whiteboard]

Taub: Why would they leave?

House: Because Foreman doesn't work here anymore, and Thirteen is mad that I fired him. Don't worry. She'll be back. (House puts away the marker and leans on the whiteboard, staring at it) She'll be pissed off. She'll want to take a stand. And then Foreman will convince her that there's no reason both of them should be out of a job.

House: Leprosy's a bad fit.

Kutner: Why'd you fire Foreman?

House: I gave him a choice — split or quit. He chose neither. What about ergotism?

Taub: He's giving up his career for her?

House: He's giving up this career for her. No, normal white blood count. Carbon monoxide poisoning?

Kutner: They're good doctors.

House: (turning around to face Taub and Kutner) Separately, they're great doctors, better than you. Together, they're morons. Go check out the house that they would've checked had this been a real case. And page Thirteen, tell her to run the blood for CO. And get the priest in a hyperbaric chamber before anything else falls off.

[Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Forman is removing items from his locker and putting them into a large duffle bag. Thirteen is sitting on a bench]

Thirteen: So what are we gonna do now?

Foreman: I get a letter of recommendation from Cuddy and find a new job.

Thirteen: That's it? You're just gonna give up?

Foreman: House is right. Our relationship did affect my judgment.

Thirteen: Then I should quit. It'll be easier for me to find another job.

Foreman: Not like this one.

Thirteen: We should both quit.

Foreman: What's that gonna accomplish? Don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

[Thirteen gets up and kisses Foreman. They are interrupted by her pager going off]

Foreman: Go ahead.

Thirteen: I'll see you tonight?

Foreman: I'll be home early. (She gives him a quick goodbye kiss and leaves)

[Cut to Daniel’s church, where Taub and Kutner are searching his apartment]

Kutner: You really think House is done with Foreman?

Taub: If you ask me, Foreman should be done with Thirteen. He's not gonna get a better job, which means he'll end up resenting her for losing this one, which she'll end up resenting. (As he talks, he is examining the items in the refrigerator)

[Kutner picks up a half empty liquor bottle to read the label and then puts it back down]

Kutner: Or the hardship'll bring 'em closer together. She'll invite friends over for Foreman to share. (checking with a CO detector) No leaks in the heater.

Taub: She's not a nympho. She's bisexual, which, by the way, means she's accustomed to partners who don't need a map to find the treasure.

Taub: (picking up a pack of cigarettes) CO poisoning might have come from these cigarettes.

Kutner: Not unless he was smoking them in a bell jar. And even if you know where the treasure is, it can still be pretty hard to dig it up without a shovel.

Taub: You can buy a shovel.

[Cut to Cuddy stepping into the elevator at PPTH. House squeezes in beside her just before the doors close]

House: Let's see… How do I keep House from ruining my precious display of religious hypocrisy? I know, I'll pressure him to attend, knowing that he'll never agree to anything I actually want him to do.

Cuddy: I didn't pressure you. I invited you. And there's nothing hypocritical about recognizing your heritage.

House: So you keeping kosher now, wearing four-cornered garments, slaughtering heifers to the god Ra? Wait, is that one your people? Do it all, do nothing, or option "C" — you're a liar and a hypocrite.

Cuddy: House, for better or for worse, you are a part of my life. It isn't a ploy. It's a sincere invitation. I honestly want you to come.

House: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

[The elevator dings, the doors open, and Cuddy gets out]

Cuddy: I'm glad.

[Cut to Cuddy entering Wilson’s office without knocking]

Cuddy: You idiot. I was free and clear. Now he's coming, and it's your fault.

[She walks around to the front of his desk and sits on it. Her arms are crossed over her chest]

Wilson: Since when have your failed attempts at communication through lies become my fault?

Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut. You messed it up, and now you're gonna fix it. And you're gonna keep my name out of it. (She leaves)

[Cut to Daniel in the hyperbaric chamber. Thirteen is in the control room. Taub and Kutner enter]

Kutner: How is he?

Thirteen: Stable. Necrosis doesn't look to be spreading.

Kutner: I was talking about Foreman. Is he really gonna leave?

Thirteen: That's usually what people do when they get fired.

Kutner: Why are you biting my head off? I was just wondering what he was gonna do.

Thirteen: You're right. I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

Taub: It's not House's fault either. He gave you guys a chance, you blew it.

Thirteen: Uh, he didn't give us a chance, he gave us an ultimatum. I would've thought five years here would buy a mistake or two.

[Daniel starts pounding on the walls of the chamber]

Daniel: Help me! Help me! I can't breathe! Feels like something's on my chest!

[The team runs in, Thirteen turns a knob on the machine, and they get Daniel out of the chamber]

Kutner: Looks like a heart attack.

[Cut to Cuddy reading in an armchair in her office. Foreman enters]

Foreman: I assume you've heard.

[He sits down in the chair opposite her. She sits up and throws the file she was reading on the table]

Cuddy: I can't override him.

Foreman: I'm not asking you to override him. I'm asking for a letter of recommendation.

Cuddy: Eric, the reality here is… House should've fired you. You falsified medical records, put this hospital's reputation in jeopardy. You're lucky you still have a license.

Foreman: I can't get a decent position at another hospital without a recommendation.

Cuddy: I'm sorry.

[Cut to the conference room. House and the team — minus Foreman — are running a new differential. Thirteen is looking glum]

Taub: Chest pain wasn't angina. EKG ruled out heart attack.

House: So the good news is, he didn't have a heart attack. The bad news is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knows what a heart attack looks like. So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attack that isn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome cases or what? Could be a clotting disorder.

Kutner: Three different symptoms, three different clots?

House: I know. How cool is that? You two do an angio. (to Thirteen) You don't want to work, so why don't you just go get me a lottery ticket? The sicker he gets, the luckier I feel.

[House gets up and takes his cane from the table]

Kutner: Where are you going?

House: I've been wanting to introduce myself. (He walks out)

[Cut to Taub and Kutner performing the angiogram on Daniel. House enters]

House: Are you really a virgin?

Daniel: You have to treat me. You don't have to believe me.

House: And before we treat you, we have to diagnose you. Not knowing whether we can believe you is making that difficult.

Daniel: Everything I've told you is true.

House: You lost your faith because a teenager got confused?

Daniel: And the church abandoned me, and my God forsook me, and I couldn't come up with a reason why God would do that.

Kutner: (watching the monitor) God gave the church and the kid free will. Their exercise of that free will hurt you. Means you're just a victim of God's gift to mankind.

Daniel: Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning. Life's meaningless without free will. With free will, there's always suffering. So, God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I even finished saying it. And even if I bought that, what the hell is God doing? You know just the big stuff? The acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people. Then we better damn pray.

House: God, I wish you weren't a pedophile.

Taub: (looking at the monitor) Lungs are clean. No embolism. No pleurisy, no pneumonia.

Kutner: I'm sorry. This is gonna hurt.

Daniel: No, it's fine.

Kutner: No pain at all?

Daniel: No. Why?

House: Because there should be. (putting his finger on Daniel’s chest) You feel that?

Daniel: No.

Kutner: Regional anesthesia is a new symptom.

House: Not if the chest pain is related to the numbness. It's not circulatory. It's neurological. Run a nerve-conduction study. And be careful. If you kill him, he'll be dancing with the dark one. (House leaves)

[Cut to an aerial view of PPTH. It is daytime and there is snow on the ground and on the roof]

[Cut to an interior shot of House and Wilson walking down a hospital corridor]

Wilson: Why the hell are you going to Cuddy's baby naming? (They stop walking) It's a religious ceremony. It's boring. Why waste a good evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself?

House: Okay.

[House takes off again. Wilson follows]

Wilson: Okay? Okay, you won't go?

House: Okay, your obligation to Cuddy is fulfilled.

Wilson: (heaving a sigh of frustration) Why are you doing this?

House: Why did Hillary conquer Everest?

Wilson: You always have a reason. It's usually a bad one, but a reason.

House: She's being childish.

Wilson: See, that's an example from the bad category. Is it resentment? The stork brought home a new baby, and you don't want to share mommy? Or you just can't stand to see others happy?

[They have arrived at House’s office door]

House: She's trying to play me. If I let her succeed, the terrorists win. (He enters his office)

[Cut to Thirteen entering the doctors’ lounge. Chase and Cameron are there sitting on the sofa]

Thirteen: I heard there might be an opening in the ER.

Cameron: Foreman's a neurologist. That's not where he —

Thirteen: I did an ER rotation in Miami. If I can find another position, I figure House will rehire Foreman.

Chase: (getting up to get some more coffee) Don't quit.

Thirteen: Cuddy wouldn't give Foreman a recommendation. He's not gonna be able to find a decent job.

Chase: Foreman shouldn't leave either.

Cameron: You think they should split up?

Chase: Office romances are a bad idea. (Cameron looks at him questioningly) We beat some very long odds.

[Chase comes and sits back down on the sofa]

Cameron: Wow, why don't you save the gushy stuff for the wedding? (to Thirteen) House is playing with you. If you let him get away with it, he's not gonna respect you anyway.

Chase: Or House is helping you. He knows it probably won't work out. And he's actually doing you a favor.

Cameron: Yeah, that sounds a lot more like House. (to Thirteen) I know they're looking for someone at Mercy. I'll make a call.

[Thirteen smiles and leaves the lounge]

[Cut to Taub and Kutner running the nerve-conduction study on Daniel]

Daniel: Your boss always like that?

Kutner: Usually worse. Finding a fellow atheist always makes his day. Think it's possible maybe God's testing your faith?

Daniel: No, I already failed. There'd be no point in what he's doing to me now.

[Kutner picks up Daniel’s file. Taub is watching the monitor]

Taub: Got something. Looks like intercostal neuralgia.

Daniel: What's that?

Kutner: Something's traumatizing one of the nerves that runs along your ribs. Explains the chest pain and numbness. Could also cause muscle atrophy.

Daniel: (blinking) Does it do anything to the eyes?

Kutner: Why? What's wrong?

Taub: Are you seeing Jesus again?

Daniel: I'm seeing nothing. My right eye went blind.

[Back to the conference room for yet another differential. The whiteboard now lists: “hallucination,” “necrosis,” “chest pain,” and “blindness]

Taub: Ophthalmological exam's normal. Nothing structurally wrong with the eye.

Kutner: His heart rate's down. Sensory loss is becoming more diffuse, progressive muscle weakness — he's shutting down.

Thirteen: It's got to be something systemic, like autoimmune.

[They all look at Thirteen, surprised that she is participating again]

Taub: CSF was clear for Guillain Barre.

Thirteen: Cancer?

Taub: Imaging studies have been clear for tumors.

[House grabs his cane off the table and gets up]

Thirteen: Then that leaves infection.

Kutner: He'd be brimming with white blood cells.

House: Or we are at the back stage door of a Duran Duran concert. Hundreds of screaming girls clustered around. What does that mean?

Kutner: That girls like rock bands.

House: The presence of the fans indicates the presence of the band. Different night — same band, same door. Now there's not a girl in sight. What does that mean?

Thirteen: Sorry, I don't speak hair band.

Kutner: They weren't a hair band. They were new romantics. The band already left?

House: Nope, the band's still there, still rocking out. When does the absence of the fans not indicate the absence of the band?

Thirteen: When it's 2009. There aren't any Duran Duran fans.

House: They don't make ‘em anymore. If there's no infection, it's because there aren't any fans, no white cells.

Taub: You think, his spleen?

House: Why do I bother with these great metaphors if I still have to spell it out? Yes, I think it's his spleen. Go get a biopsy. I'll try to get "New moon on Monday" out of my head.

[House puts his cane on the table and sits back down. Taub and Kutner leave, but House stops Thirteen]

House: Why are you talking this time?

Thirteen: (sitting down at the table) If I quit, will you rehire Foreman?

House: Why?

Thirteen: He can't find another job. I can.

House: And you're willing to make that sacrifice for him?

Thirteen: Yes.

House: Does Foreman know about this plan?

Thirteen: Yes.

House: Well, if he's okay with it, who am I to say no?

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room, where Kutner and Taub are preparing to do the biopsy]

Kutner: Hold still.

[House enters and sits down in the chair next to the bed]

Daniel: You think it's my spleen?

House: That's what they're testing. So if I happen to cure you, what happens then? You start thinking that God was working through me? This is some sort of miracle?

Daniel: Do you think I'm an idiot?

House: That's what I'm testing.

Daniel: Losing my faith wasn't a choice I made. It happened. It's gone. For good.

House: But if it can magically disappear, it can magically reappear, and that's what you're hoping. Your job…

Daniel: Sucks.

House: That's my point. You can make more money frapping decafs, and yet you're still ministering to the meek. Why do the lord's work if the lord has left the building?

Daniel: I've been with the church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.

House: I detect the stink of leftover faith.

Daniel: You want to talk hypocrisy, what about you? You act like you don't care about anyone, but here you are saving lives.

House: Solving puzzles. Saving lives is just collateral damage.

Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong, to give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?

House: Yeah, I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit. (He leaves)

[Cut to an aerial view of PPTH. The sun is lower in the sky]

[Cut to an interior shot of a hospital corridor. House and Cuddy run into each other and continue on down the hallway]

House: Hey, I was just talking about you… Not you specifically — whores and hypocrisy.

Cuddy: You were right. I don't want you there. (They stop walking) It's a special occasion filled with love and acceptance, and the last thing I need is someone there who's filled with loathing and contempt.

House: Okay.

Cuddy: That's it? You're really not coming?

House: I'm really not coming.

Cuddy: Thank you.

House: You're welcome. Gosh, I feel so grown up.

[House leaves Cuddy standing in the hallway. She doesn’t seem to be as pleased as would be expected, given that she just got what she wanted]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner , and Thirteen in the lab]

Kutner: (to Thirteen) He's obviously just jerking you around, wants to see if you're serious. If you just stick it out, I think he'll bring Foreman back.

Taub: I don't, and even if I'm wrong, I think you should still split up. It's just a matter of time before one of you finds the other in bed with another woman.

Kutner: This coming from the relationship expert.

Taub: 12 years and counting.

Thirteen: Hey, if you can make it that long, then anyone can.

Taub: Funny how the two people in the room who think relationships are easy are both single.

Kutner: I don't think they're easy. That's why I think if you find something that could be good, you should hang onto it.

Taub: Everything could be good. Very little ever is.

Thirteen: (looking at the monitor) His spleen is fine, just some insignificant traces of minor bugs. Nothing that'd make him sick.

Taub: Which minor bugs?

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room. House is sitting on a chair near the foot of the bed eating what looks like pudding. Daniel is also eating]

House: Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids?

Daniel: Fear of the unknown. Cornerstone of faith. I think it makes perfect sense.

House: So it makes sense because it doesn't make sense.

Daniel: The fact that you're railing about it doesn't make a lot of sense. You really got a thing for your boss, huh?

House: I've got a thing for my boss's thing. She doesn't have a thing… per se. I'm big on metaphors. What about you? 29 years of celibacy. What's holding you back now?

Daniel: Who wants a relationship with a priest?

House: Who wants a relationship?

[Taub slides open the door and leans in]

Taub: House?

[House goes into the hallway to talk to Taub and Thirteen]

Taub: It's the holy water.

Thirteen: We assumed if it was an infection, it had to be something big and nasty.

Taub: But he has pneumocystis, a harmless bug that's everywhere and never makes anyone sick, unless they have a compromised immune system.

House: (looking at Daniel through the glass) So father Nietzsche has AIDS.

[Cut to Taub and Kutner talking to Daniel in his room]

Daniel: Impossible. I've never had a blood transfusion. I've never done IV drugs. I've never had sex.

Taub: So prove it. Have an AIDS test.

Daniel: No. I know I don't have AIDS.

Kutner: We can't treat you until we know what it is.

Daniel: A negative result proves nothing. On the off chance it's a false positive, I permanently lose any credibility I have left.

Taub: I'd say you just lost that.

Daniel: (angrily) I'd say I lost that with you a long time ago.

[Cut to House’s office. House is sitting in the Eames chair listening to Taub and Kutner argue about Daniel. House is holding a Vicodin bottle]

Taub: We should start treatment for AIDS.

Kutner: We need to be sure. The antiretrovirals could fry his heart, his liver, his kidneys.

Taub: I'm willing to take that chance.

Kutner: Big of you.

[House pops a Vicodin pill]

Taub: I'm more worried about the kid he molested. We should be finding him and getting him tested.

Kutner: You don't think he already got tested?

Taub: Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but that's a chance I'm not willing to take.

Kutner: Legally, we can't inform sexual partners about STDs.

[House gets up and walks between Taub and Kutner]

Taub: This isn't some middle-aged barfly who likes it bareback. This is an innocent kid who was molested.

Kutner: You just want to rub the priest's face in it, get him transferred again.

Taub: Yeah, heaven forbid a diddler has job issues.

House: (now standing behind his desk) And you get brought up on charges. I've lost enough doctors this week. Treat him for AIDS. (He sits down behind his desk. Taub and Kutner leave)

[Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. She and Foreman are sitting at the table]

Thirteen: I found a job.

Foreman: I didn't know you were looking.

Thirteen: Eggers at Mercy says I can start Monday.

Foreman: Why would you —

Thirteen: House says if I go, you can come back.

Foreman: It's been less than two days. Give up on me that fast? You get a job behind my back?

Thirteen: You're acting like I'm cheating on you.

Foreman: I said I would handle this.

Thirteen: House knew you'd be like this.

Foreman: Wow. I guess House knows me better than you do. Too bad I don't go both ways.

Thirteen: Good night. (She gets up from the table)

[Cut to Wilson and House sitting at a booth in the hospital cafeteria]

Wilson: Don't you hate when they put the mushrooms underneath the cheese?

House: Your attendance is validating her hypocrisy. If she invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?

Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving. Everyone's a hypocrite. Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Cuddy's particular brand?

House: Just making conversation. Would you rather we go back to talking about mushrooms and cheese?

Wilson: (pointing a finger at House) You're the hypocrite! You want to go! You don't resent this baby. You wanna be a part of it.

House: Yes, but not until her 16th birthday… in some states.

Wilson: This is ridiculous. You two deserve each other. If you wanna go, just go and act like a human being.

House: Wow, solid advice, except for two things. I'm acting like I don't wanna go because I don't wanna go, and… (He surreptitiously swipes some food off of the tray of a boy who is walking by) I am incapable of acting like a human being. (House takes a bite of the food he swiped and glances back toward the boy)

[Cut to Taub entering a small diner. A teenage boy is wiping down tables]

Taub: (approaching the boy) Ryan?

Ryan: Yeah.

Taub: I'm Dr. Chris Taub. Can we talk? (They shake hands)

Ryan: Yeah. What's wrong?

Taub: Uh, in private?

Ryan: Nobody's listening to us here.

Taub: Um, I work at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. I have some news about father Daniel Bresson.

Ryan: What about him?

Taub: We believe he has AIDS.

Ryan: Okay, so?

Taub: Well… uh, given the incident four years ago, I think you should be tested, unless you've already done so.

Ryan: How sick is he?

Taub: Very.

Ryan: Okay. Well, um, thanks.

Taub: Have you been tested?

Ryan: Uh, yeah.

Taub: And?

Ryan: And it really isn't any of your business.

[Cut to House’s office. House is standing behind his desk. Foreman enters]

Foreman: I want my job back.

House: Love, sacrifice, deception, and now betrayal. This is better than a telenovela.

[Thirteen walks in]

Thirteen: What going on?

House: Well… either Foreman is here, as the two of you discussed, to beg for his job back in exchange for me dumping you, or… nothing.

Thirteen: (to Foreman) You're trying to get me fired?

Foreman: I'm suggesting you quit and I stay, which is exactly what you suggested last night.

Thirteen: I told Eggers I didn't want the job.

Foreman: Find another one. Only took you eight hours to find that one.

[House sits down as they argue]

Thirteen: The point is, why didn't you tell me you were doing this? Why are you here without me?

Foreman: You're overreacting. We'll talk about this later.

Thirteen: Oh, that's what this is about. It's about you taking control. It's about you not being able to handle me saving your ass.

Foreman: And you're not being controlling right now?

House: Yeah! Who's the controlling bitch now?

Foreman: House, shut up.

Foreman: You never wanted to take that other job. You never wanted to save me. You wanted to offer to save me so you wouldn't feel guilty. You knew I'd say no. That's why you're so mad right now.

Thirteen: You're an idiot. (She walks out of the office)

House: Well, either you can go after her and try and patch things up, or you blow her off and take your old job back.

[Foreman sighs and turns to look at House. House interprets this as meaning that Foreman wants his job back. He pulls open the drawer containing Foreman’s hospital ID badge and hands it to him]

House: Welcome back.

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room where Kutner is adding AIDS meds to Daniel’s IV]

Daniel: AIDS meds aren't gonna work.

Kutner: If you'd let us do a test, we could stop treating you, or you could stop lying.

Daniel: (looking uncomfortable) I know the feeling.

Kutner: BP's climbing. You feeling okay?

Daniel: No, I feel flushed. Ah, I’m burning all over. Ah, my chest. (He pulls open his hospital gown to reveal a rash on his chest)

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room, where House is adding “skin lesions” to the list of symptoms on the whiteboard]

Taub: It's not a new symptom. It's just a reaction to the AIDS meds.

Kutner: Yeah, he reacted by getting worse. Means it's not AIDS.

House: So went Satan forth from the presence of the lord and smote Job sore with boils.

Taub: You think it's hyper-IgE syndrome?

House: I prefer the colloquial term "Job syndrome." Explains the symptoms, and my quote.

Kutner: That's the first thing I checked. IgE levels are normal. Could be some other genetic disorder.

Thirteen: Cerebral microtumors could explain the blindness and the hallucinations.

Foreman: We didn't find any tumors.

Thirteen: That's why I didn't say "tumors." I said "microtumors."

Foreman: So your explanation doesn't depend on us being major morons, just morons?

Thirteen: We should start genetic testing.

Foreman: It takes too long.

Thirteen: So we start treatment.

Foreman: Treatment is surgery. We can't open him up without confirmation.

Thirteen: So your position is we can't test and we can't treat?

Foreman: My position is you're wrong.

Thirteen: This isn't gonna work.

House: Are you kidding? I've never felt more alive. Conflict breeds creativity. Go run the genetic tests.

Kutner: On it.

[Taub and Kutner leave. Thirteen and Foreman glare at one another.

[Cut to Daniel’s hospital room]

Daniel: So now you don't think I have AIDS?

Taub: I still think it's AIDS. On the off chance it isn't, we're pursuing other avenues.

[Taub looks over his shoulder and sees Ryan standing there]

Taub: (approaching Ryan) Ryan.

Ryan: He's, um… he's dying?

Taub: Uh, we don't know what's wrong with him.

Ryan: Can I speak to him?

Taub: I don't think that's a good idea.

Daniel: Ryan?

Taub: Um, why don't I get you — (Ryan moves toward Daniel’s bed) Come on, Ryan, now's not a good time.

[Ryan looks like he wants to say something but is having trouble with it]

Ryan: (to Daniel) I'm sorry… (pause) For everything. (Ryan gets down on his knees beside the bed) I'm sorry.

[There is a long pause. Daniel looks at Ryan and a tear runs down Ryan’s cheek]

Daniel: (He puts his hand on Ryan’s head) I know. I know.

[Cut to the conference room. House is sitting and staring at the whiteboard. Wilson enters]

Wilson: Any second thoughts about Cuddy?

House: Nope. But please, feel free to blather on.

Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does — trying to avoid pain.

House: Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. If you're saying she's not a hypocrite —

Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisy so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.

House: Oh, sorry. Continue.

Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it, and you can't condemn her for recognizing that.

[House has his epiphany. He gets up and approaches the whiteboard. He grabs a file from the table and uses it to cover up each symptom in turn as he thinks]

Wilson: Are you eliminating symptoms?

House: We can know everything.

Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics.

House: Truth is truth. (He erases “hallucinations” from the board) It fits.

Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.

House: I can if it's not a symptom.

Wilson: Well, what is it?

House: Not a symptom. (House leaves)

[Cut to House entering Daniel’s hospital room]

House: (He stands beside Daniel’s bed) You're not gonna die. You have Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome. It impairs your immune system, makes you susceptible to all the AIDS stuff without actually having AIDS. And you didn't catch it. You were born with it. Another gift from God.

Daniel: You sure?

House: Genetic test should confirm it, but it explains all your symptoms — toe, chest, eyes, skin.

Daniel: What about my hallucination?

House: Scotch explains that.

[House pulls a chair closer to the bed and sits down]

Daniel: But that was just a coincidence.

House: Coincidences do happen.

Daniel: That coincidence is what brought me to you in the first place.

House: You promised you wouldn't go there.

Daniel: Einstein said, "coincidence is a God's way of remaining anonymous."

House: A woman in Florida said, "look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."

Daniel: You didn't even want to take my case. You didn't even think I was sick.

House: The fact that I was wrong is not a proof of God.

Daniel: I'm just trying to understand how my life could completely turn around in a single day.

House: Don't worry. Your life will go back to sucking soon enough. Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained.

Daniel: I know. It's just… That's a lot of coincidences.

[Cut to Cameron doing paperwork in the ER. Cuddy wanders by and stops at the desk where Cameron is working]

Cuddy: House was right about the priest. Genetic test confirmed it was Wiskott-Aldrich.

Cameron: And I would've discharged him.

Cuddy: Everybody would've discharged him, House included. He only took that case as a stall.

Cameron: And yet it was a real case, and he solved it.

Cuddy: By violating his own principles and ignoring the admitting symptoms. Still he somehow got away with it. Saved another life.

Cameron: You want him there tonight. (pause) You should tell him.

[Cut to the front doors of PPTH. It is late afternoon. Cuddy is standing by the front desk when House walks through the lobby on his way out. She grabs her briefcase, clears her throat and hurries toward the front doors arriving there just as House does. (Could she possibly have been waiting for him?) They pause just inside the doors. It is snowing heavily outside]

House: It's cold out there.

Cuddy: At least you have shoes that cover your toes.

House: So it's tonight?

Cuddy: Yep. Bad weather for it, huh?

House: Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe your sister will decide the roads are too dangerous to drive on.

Cuddy: Fingers crossed.

[Cuddy inhales as if she is about to speak, but House speaks before she does. In the background can be heard the beginning strains of “Cuddy’s Serenade.”]

House: Have fun.

[They exit the building together, but part outside, walking in opposite directions]

[The next few scenes are intercut between House’s apartment, Cuddy’s house, and Thirteen’s apartment; and are played out to the accompaniment of House composing and playing “Cuddy’s Serenade” on his piano.

At Cuddy’s the Simchat Bat is in progress. Cuddy is rocking Rachel, who appears to be asleep. Cameron, Wilson, and Chase are there, smiling and obviously happy. Wilson and Chase are wearing yarmulkes. There are numerous guests enjoying the celebration.

At Thirteen’s apartment, Thirteen enters and performs a little bow for Foreman who is sitting on the couch. They are pleased that they were able to pull one over on House, who thinks they have split up. Thirteen climbs on Foreman’s lap and they kiss.

House is sitting at his piano. He pauses to take a sip of whiskey. The snow is coming down hard outside his window. He starts playing again, working out the notes and picking up the tempo as he finds the right melody. There is a fire burning in his fireplace.

Cuddy hands Rachel to Cameron and hurries to answer the door (hoping to see House perhaps?) She opens the door to an elderly couple. A brief expression of disappointment flits across her face, then she smiles and hugs the woman.

House is still playing his piano.

Thirteen and Foreman are still kissing.

Cuddy takes Rachel from Cameron and smiles sadly at Wilson who gives a little half smile back.

House finishes the song and sits, with his hands resting on the piano keys]

THE END

Tags: season 5
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