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House MD – 5.07 The Itch

Originally Aired: November 11, 2008

Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Tammy (beckston)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Scene opens on a close-up of a man lying on the floor. His eyes are closed. He opens his eyes and sees a bunch of roses lying in front of him in bright light. There is movement in the background]

[This entire scene is seen from the perspective of Stewart who it seems has been unconscious. He is lying on the floor by his front door. His view is fuzzy, and the sound is garbled]

[Through the window in his front door, a number of people can be seen standing outside. The noise and bright light seem to disturb Stewart. They break open the front door and approach Stewart, trampling the roses as they enter. It is obvious now, that they are paramedics. They begin to attend to Stewart]

1st EMT: He's got a good pulse.

2nd EMT: Maintain head stabilization and flip him over. My count, guys. Ready. Go.

[They flip Stewart over onto his back]

1st EMT: Sir, we're paramedics. The mailman saw you having a seizure. We had to break down your door. Do you know what your name is?

[The other EMTs have rolled in a gurney. They prepare to lift Stewart onto the gurney]

1st EMT: On my count. One, two, three. Up. (They lift Stewart onto the gurney) We're taking you to the hospital.

[Stewart appears to be agitated]

Stewart: No, I can't — no. No, I can't…

[Getting even more upset, Stewart rolls himself off of the gurney]

EMT: Hey, buddy. Buddy, we're trying to help.

[The EMTs try to stop him, but Stewart runs back into his house and manages to close the front door. He collapses in front of it, blocking the entrance of the EMTs]

1st EMT: (talking from the other side of the door) Sir!

Stewart: Stay out of my house!

1st EMT: (shouting through the door) You just had a seizure. You could have a stroke. A bleed in your brain.

Stewart: (shouting) Leave me alone!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene opens on Cameron, who is presenting a case to House and the team in the Diagnostics conference room. The team is sitting at the table. House is getting coffee]

Cameron: 35-year-old male — crushing headache and three seizures in the last two days.

House: So it's a bleed, clot, tumor, metabolic, or infection. Stick him in a CT.

Cameron: Can’t.

House: I'm assuming he has a giant head.

Cameron: (holding up the file) Severe agoraphobe. The world scares the hell out of him. So we can only test him with whatever we can take to him.

[House is now interested. He puts down his coffee and walks over to take the file from Cameron]

House: Fun.

Kutner: Agoraphobia a symptom?

Cameron: Only of being shot. He and his girlfriend were mugged seven years ago. That's when it started.

House: Anybody can hate humanity after getting shot. Takes a big man to hate it beforehand.

Taub: How'd you get this case if he didn't come to the ER?

Cameron: I talked to him through his door when he had flu last year. I run the community outreach program now.

House: See? Perfectly reasonable explanation. She's definitely not here trying to work her way back on the team and steal your job or anything.

Taub: It's a legitimate question.

[House looks up to see Cuddy lurking outside the conference room window. She appears to be nervous]

Cameron: He agreed to meet with us. But even if I can get inside his house, his brain is a black box. (House walks out into the hallway to talk to Cuddy) We can pick this up in a minute.

House: (taking a file from Cuddy) What's this?

[They are standing close to one another and talking quietly]

Cuddy: Take-out menus. But I'm hoping you'll come up with a better answer when everyone asks what we're talking about. Last night —

House: Forget it.

Cuddy: I know this is awkward, but we need to talk.

House: There's a reason that we've evolved a feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things.

Cuddy: I was emotional because of the adoption falling through. And you actually let your human side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just want to say thank you for not… taking advantage.

House: You're welcome. Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you.

[Cuddy takes back the file and House goes back into the conference room]

Cameron: Portable equipment can't distinguish a bleed or a tumor. Can't see vasculitis.

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?

House: I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.

Thirteen: Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

Cameron: The only equipment we have is a sonogram and a portable X-ray.

House: What part of olivine, pyroxene, and amphibole don't you understand?

Kutner: Pyroxene. Pyro means "fire"…

Cameron: They're indicator minerals. You can't see diamonds so you look for the indicator minerals. I assume the diamond is the tumor or bleed or whatever it is.

Foreman: We provoke a seizure. The indicator is the increased electrical activity focused around the abnormality. We do an EEG, see the focus, see where the problem is, which tells us what the problem is.

House: The Formster and the Camster. Kickin' it old school. (to Taub) Thank God she's not trying to steal your job. (to the team) Go do it. And search the home for toxins.

[Cut to Taub, Thirteen, Kutner and Cameron standing in the entryway of Stewart’s house. Cameron is talking to him through a locked interior door]

Stewart: I agreed to talk, not let you in.

Cameron: You could be very sick. We need access.

Stewart: I'm just not ready.

Taub: Why does he have two locked doors?

Thirteen: He must use this room as an airlock. Deliveries in. Garbage out. He never has to go outside.

Cameron: Just tell us when you are. We're not going away.

Kutner: Seriously?

Thirteen: You want her to admit that all he has to do is ignore us for a few minutes and we'll take off?

Kutner: He was shot. Girlfriend killed. He probably has post traumatic stress disorder. He doesn't believe in a just universe. He doesn't trust anyone. Give him some honesty.

Cameron: (to Stewart) I shouldn’t have implied we can wait forever. We've got a whole hospital full of patients. We can give you a few minutes. But eventually, if you don't let us in, we're gonna have to leave.

Stewart: Just one person comes in.

Cameron: No. We've got to search the whole house for toxins. (pause) How about I examine you in one room and my colleagues will do the search?

[Stewart unlocks the door and the team prepares to enter]

[Cut to Stewart sitting up in his bed with an electronic apparatus with sensors and wires on his head]

Cameron: I'm gonna try to provoke a seizure. I need you to look straight ahead, okay?

[Cameron sits down on the bed beside Stewart. She is holding what is probably a strobe light of some kind]

Cameron: You all right?

Stewart: Yeah. Uh, I just, um, I haven't been in a room with anyone for a while. Um, can you just give me a second?

Cameron: (getting off the bed) Sure.

Stewart: You're the, uh, uh, person I talked to through the door last year, right?

Cameron: Yeah.

Stewart: You were, uh, you were nice… and smart. Kind of made me expect someone older.

Cameon: I'm not that young. Must've been scary being shot.

Stewart: (holding up his hand) Don't do that. Okay? You — you don't know me. (Cameron nods) I've got everything I want here. I — I — I make a lot of money writing tech manuals. I get stuff delivered. I work out. I see anything I want over the web. Um, I'm — I'm happy here.

Cameron: You don't seem very happy.

Stewart: Well, right now I'm not.

[Cut to Wilson walking into House’s office. House is lounging comfortably in the Eames chair. He appears to be alseep]

House: Go away.

Wilson: (sighing) Did you speak to Cuddy last night?

House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?

Wilson: You spoke to her?

House: Kinda hit that. So she's all on my jock.

Wilson: Wha — what?

[House finally opens his eyes]

House: (looking at Wilson) Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.

Wilson: You hit? Like making out, or full-on sex or —

[House is scratching his right hand]

House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it.

Wilson: Wh — what are you gonna do?

House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake.

Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.

House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. (still scratching) It was just a kiss.

Wilson: There's a reason.

House: Yes. Those large things in her bra.

Wilson: You were hiding it from me, means it meant something to you.

House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase "I hit that."

Wilson: Stop scratching. You'll draw blood.

House: Finally you said something useful. If I actually break the skin, it'll let the poison out.

[House gets up and heads toward his desk without his cane. His cell phone rings and he answers it]

Wilson: If you… dated Cuddy… there would —

[House holds up his finger to Wilson and rests the phone speaker on his shoulder]

House: Sorry. I get better reception when you're not here.

[Wilson silently protests, knowing that House is deflecting]

House: (into the phone) What do you got?

[Cameron, Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner are sitting around Stewart’s dining room table. The phone is in the middle of the table. They are using the speakerphone]

Taub: His place is totally clean. No animals. No hidden drugs or alcohol. No lead in the paint.

[Wilson leaves]

House: And since you're not breathing hard, I assume you're not holding Cameron aloft in triumph. Which means no seizures.

[House pushes the speakerphone button on his phone and puts it down on his desk. He sits down]

House: Hey, speaking of breathing hard, Cameron, you engaged to Chase yet?

Thirteen: Sorry, we should have clarified. We're calling about the patient, not Dr. Cameron’s love life.

Cameron: We aren't engaged. (aside to Thirteen) Moves things along much faster to just give him the answers. (to House) Seizures can also be induced through —

House: After six years?

Cameron: A year and a half. Through sleep deprivation or —

House: Sleep deprivation would take too long. You living together?

[House is using tweezers on the bug bite on his hand]

Cameron: We spend most nights together. There's a bunch of drugs that can lower a seizure threshold.

House: And cloud the diagnosis with side effects. His place or yours?

Cameron: His usually.

House: Interesting.

Cameron: You would've said interesting no matter what the answer.

House: And no matter what the answer, it would've been interesting. No engagement. Commitment issues. His place, control issues. Not sure whose, but interesting.

[House puts a small bandaid on his bite]

Thirteen: Yeah, moves much faster this way.

[House has finished treating his bite. He picks up his cell phone, taking it off speakerphone and puts it to his ear]

House: Where was the patient when he had his first seizure?

Taub: In his entry hallway getting his mail.

House: Getting close to the outdoors, spooked him, raised his BP. Use that fear. Bring him outside.

Kutner: He punched out a fireman. We're doctors, not bouncers.

House: Okay. So bring the outside to him.

[Cut to Stewart’s house in the evening. House enters with two men and a woman. He is giving them a tour of the house]

House: Floors (tapping the floor with his cane), genuine wood.

Taub: Why are they here?

House: They overheard me announce the half price bank foreclosure in the ER waiting room. Where's everybody?

Taub: Cameron’s with the patient. Uh, everybody else went home.

House: Because they don't need to be here. Neither do you. And yet you are.

House: (to his tour group) This way.

Man in House’s tour group: Molding's original?

House: Original? They were here before the house. (They enter Stewart’s bedroom) The shut-in's also original. Come on. Don't be shy.

Cameron: House, get them out of here.

House: Easy for you to say. You're not gonna be making some serious capital gains.

Cameron: This is cruel.

{Stewart looks anxious and appears to be in pain. He groans and rolls into a fetal position]

House: And leaving him undiagnosed is what, altruistic? Procedure worked. He's seizing. What do you see?

[The tour group has left]

Cameron: Normal theta. Normal delta. This isn't a seizure.

House: It's something.

Cameron: (holding Stewart’s head) Mr. Nozick, are you okay?

Stewart: Stomach's killing me.

House: See? It's something.

[Cut to a brief scene of Cameron performing a scan on Stewart’s upper abdomen and then to Stewart’s living room where House, Cameron and the team are examining the scan results and running a new differential]

Kutner: Partial small bowel obstruction.

House: Blockage explains the pain. What explains the blockage plus seizures?

Thirteen: Atrial fibrillation throwing emboli.

Taub: Crohn's causing an abscess.

Foreman: Could be a million things. There's no way to know unless we get him in for an MRI on his head or exploratory surgery so we can biopsy his bowels, which he won't let us do.

House: Wouldn't. Pain changes things.

[House gets up and heads toward Stewart’s bedroom]

Cameron: House.

[House throws open Stewart’s bedroom door and moves to the foot of the bed]

Cameron: (following House) He told you to stay out of here.

House: He can chase me out once he's done doubling up in agony.

House: (to Stewart) Whatever your big problem is, it's caused a complication we call "colon FOS." "Fo," full of. Since we're in mixed company, "S" is stool. Nothing's coming out. So the pain's gonna get worse and worse. We need to stick a pooper scooper in you. We also need to take a look at your bowel.

Stewart: I made my wishes clear.

House: Uh-huh, and if the crazy fairy were here, she could grant them.

Stewart: I'm not insane. I — I feel pain when I go outside. So it — it's rational to avoid that pain.

House: Except now you're feeling pain inside.

Stewart: Not as bad. Nowhere near.

Cameron: We can give him drugs for the blockage.

House: And if it doesn't work? That blockage will rupture your intestines, spew sewage throughout your body. Whatever you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?

Stewart: You obviously can't stand people. But for me, it's worse. All right? I'd rather die in here than live out there.

House: If you don't mind floppy hair and an annoying accent, I know a surgeon who will operate in your home.

Stewart: Thank you.

[House and Cameron leave the bedroom and walk into the front entryway]

Cameron: With the risk of infection, Chase won't actually —

House: He's not gonna do surgery in some crazy dude's house.

Cameron: You just said —

House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him to the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op without him ever finding out that we tricked him. Some of that was implied.

Cameron: It's unethical.

House: He'll be asleep.

Cameron: He gets to make his own calls even if he's asleep.

House: Why are you siding with him? (He puts his hand on his chin as if genuinely asking a question) Oh, yeah, you're that girl who likes broken people because her husband died. And since Chase isn’t all that broken —

Cameron: Hey, why don't we operate on his infarcted leg while we're at it? Who cares if he said no.

House: I was risking my life to avoid becoming a cripple. He's doing it to avoid sunlight and fresh air.

Cameron: We've got to make it look good.

[Cut to the makeshift operating theater that the team has constructed in Stewart’s home. Stewart is on the operating table. Chase is there and Stewart thinks they are going to perform the operation]

Stewart: (grabbing Cameron’s hand) I know I'm a pain in the ass. I know it would have been easy just to walk away, but… You're a good person.

[Cameron looks like she is having doubts about the deception. Stewart obviously trusts her]

[Chase administers the anesthesia]

Chase: Count down from 10.

Stewart: 10, 9, 8…

Chase: Let's go!

[Foreman and Kutner come in and they all prepare to move Stewart to the hospital]

[Cut to Wilson sitting down at Cuddy’s table in the hospital cafeteria]

Wilson: How you doin'?

Cuddy: Better.

Wilson: Great. Everything else good?

Cuddy: Uh, everything involving me kissing House is good. Oh, God, you dragged it out of me, you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He's a friend. And I leaned on him.

Wilson: It's funny. I've leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.

Cuddy: I don't think of House that way. I never have.

Wilson: Why not?

Cuddy: You know exactly how it would go. It'd start off exciting. We'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness. And then we'd realize that the flirty hostility is just hostility and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it’s just frustrating. And then it’s the inevitable blowup and the recriminations and we don’t talk for two months…

Wilson: Yeah. Well, it certainly proves you've never thought about House that way.

Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.

Wilson: That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad.

Cuddy: (Cuddy’s pager vibrates and she glances at it) Gotta go.

[Cut to Chase and Cameron wheeling Stewart’s gurney down a hospital corridor]

Chase: What time you done? We could try that new sushi place next to my house.

Cameron: Why don't we stay at my house tonight?

Chase: We always stay at mine.

Cameron: That's what I mean. We — we used to split it. What happened?

Chase: I don't know. Closer to work.

Cameron: By five minutes. And my house doesn't look like it was decorated by a drunk rugby player.

Cameron: Well, we can discuss it. I hadn't really —

Chase: Why does it have to be a discussion? Can't you just stay over?

[Cuddy appears and stops their progress down the hallway]

Cuddy: You do know they page me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.

[Cut to a hospital room. Cuddy, Chase, and Cameron are talking about Stewart. House is present also, but is sitting in a chair off to one side as if not really a participant]

Cuddy: He didn't consent.

Cameron: He consented to the surgery. You think he's gonna sue over where?

Chase: He won't even know where. He'll wake up in his house. He won't know a thing about what happened.

Cuddy: Until he catches a post-surgical infection in his dirty apartment and finds out we tricked him and winds up owning the hospital.

Cameron: (to House) Why aren't you arguing with her?

House: Because she's right. I don't care where he gets the post-op, just that he gets it. Keep him here.

[Chase and Cameron wheel Stewart out of the room. House gets up to follow them when Cuddy stops him]

Cuddy: House. You okay?

House: Yes. We don't need to talk.

Cuddy: Your hand.

House: (House looks down at his bandaged hand) That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter.

[Cut to the OR where Cameron is preparing Stewart for surgery]

Cameron: (to a nurse) Please tell Dr. Chase the patient's ready for him now. (She puts something in his IV) Stewart, wake up. It's Dr. Cameron. If you can hear me, blink. (Stewart blinks) We were concerned for your safety so we brought you to the hospital. (Stewart looks anxious) No, it's okay.

Stewart: Why — why?

Cameron: It's okay.

Stewart: Why — why?

Cameron: I just wanted to keep you informed. I didn't want you to have a bad shock while you were recovering from surgery.

Stewart: Gotta get outta of here.

[Stewart is becoming agitated]

Cameron: It's okay, Stewart. Calm down. Calm down. Stewart. Stewart, I’m gonna sedate you. I'm gonna sedate you.

Stewart: No!

[Stewart is now highly agitated and trying to get off the table]

Cameron: Calm down. I need some help in here! Damn it! Somebody get in here!

[Stewart has ripped out his IV line and blood is gushing everywhere. Chase appears, puts gauze on the gushing wound, and holds Stewart down so Cameron can sedate him]

Chase: What did you do?

[Short shot of Stewart being wheeled away on a gurney. Cut to Cuddy’s office where Chase and Cameron are standing in front of her desk. House is standing in back, near the doors, scratching his hand]

Cuddy: Well done. Your patient called his lawyer, threatened to sue us. He's now heading home completely undiagnosed.

House: He'll soon be on his way back. He's sick. He'll crash. He'll lose consciousness. (House continues to scratch his bug bite) I'll declare an emergency, bring him back in.

Cuddy: Not anymore you won’t. His lawyer now holds his health care proxy. The next time we have an emergency, Larry Ruseckas, esquire, will be calling the shots.

Cameron: I made the right call. If he'd flipped out after major surgery, it would've been worse.

Cuddy: The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.

Cameron: (softly) Whaaa?

[Cameron looks back at House expecting him to say something. Instead, he opens the door and leaves. Cameron follows him. Chase follows also, lagging behind. They walk out of the clinic and into the main lobby]

Cameron: What's going on between you and Cuddy?

House: Bad lovin' gone bad.

Cameron: Seriously. Why didn’t you argue with her? She just threw us off the case.

House: Because ignoring her is a lot easier. Convince the patient to let us back in again. See if you can clear his blockage with lactulose. If this thing kills him before we can diagnose, it won't be fun anymore.

[They have reached the elevator. House steps on, pushes the button, and the doors close. Cameron turns back to Chase]

Cameron: Okay.

Chase: You gonna keep working on this?

Cameron: Yeah. I brought in the case.

[She starts walking down a hallway. Chase follows her]

Chase: There is no case. He's gone. You've been tossed. This is totally nuts.

Cameron: He's incredibly sick. We don't know —

Chase: Forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team to avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.

Cameron: That's why I left House. You got fired.

[Chase stops and lets her go]

[Cut to Cameron standing outside Stewart’s inner locked door, pleading with him to let her in]

Cameron: I'm sorry. I know I let you down. But you know who else I let down, pretty much everyone who's important to me. My boss, my old boss, my boyfriend. (pause) I did that for you. I'm not gonna let you down again.

[Stewart unlocks the door and lets her in]

[Cut to a clinic exam room. House is rummaging in a cabinet. Wilson walks in and shuts the door]

Wilson: It's like the red badge of idiocy.

House: If the confederacy had mosquitoes, we'd all have southern accents and I'd be paying Foreman less.

[House peels off his old bandaid]

Wilson: She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don't address it. She acts weird, things get different.

House: You understand that different implies difference. She's tossed me a million times before.

Wilson: No, she always chastises you. And you'd always come running to me to complain. So you're acting different too. You're scared. You are scared to get involved.

House: How is that scary? It's rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup. Guaranteed ugliness.

[Although it is not shown, it seems apparent that House is putting some
kind of antiseptic on his bite]

Wilson: Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That's your worldview. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness.

House: Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you.

[House is putting a larger bandaid on his bite, presumably because the wound has gotten bigger as he has scratched it]

Wilson: I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her —

House: Are you familiar with the adverb "vicariously?”

Wilson: If I wanted to ask her out —

House: You did ask her out. Last year. Whatever happened there?

Wilson: I don't know. I wasn't interested.

House: Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. But now you're single, and that makes you miserable because you think it's too soon for another relationship. So you're gonna make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something. For me.

[House opens the exam room door and exits, leaving Wilson to wonder how House was able to turn the discussion around to focus on him]

[Cut to House walking into his office. He is talking on his cell phone. He glances into the conference room as he enters]

House: Better or worse?

Cameron: Worse. Drugs aren't working. I think we should do the surgery in his house like we planned.

House: Well, then one of us wasn’t paying attention because I thought that surgery thing was just a trick.

Cameron: We prepared the room. We hung the drapes. It's probably ten times as sterile as any mobile operating theater you'd find in a battlefield.

[Cameron is in Stewart’s bedroom. Stewart is curled up in his bed]

House: We still need Trapper John.

Cameron: Chase doesn't want anywhere near this surgery. Maybe you could talk to him.

House: I can't understand a word he says.

[House looks into the conference room where Taub is sitting at the table]

House: Taub. Doing anything later?

[Cut to the makeshift operating theater in Stewart’s house. Taub is performing the operation. Cameron and House are present also, as is Stewart’s lawyer]

Taub: (to Kutner) Blood in the field. Not where I'm looking.

Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?

Taub: Here's a hint. It's the bloody part.

Kutner: The whole thing's bloody. It's a guy with a hole in his body.

Taub: It's like you've never done this before. Use the suction.

Kutner: I will. And in fact I’ve never done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school.

House: (to the lawyer) Hey, wanna see if your client's actually made of money?

Taub: Cutting out last piece of bowel. (He puts a piece of the bowel in a glass dish which Cameron is holding at the ready. She hands it to House who puts it under the microscope)

Taub: Suture.

House: (looking into the microscope) Mucosa's pink. Flattened villi.

Cameron: Intestinal atrophy. It's Whipple's disease.

House: Explains the seizure and the stomach pain.

Taub: Little bleeder here. Cautering.

[House looks up from the microscope realizing that something is wrong]

House: Hey, wait. The gas —

[The open wound bursts into flame. House grabs an instrument from the tray and uses it to put out the flames in Stewart’s bowel]

House: (to the lawyer) That always happens during surgery. Just the gas build up in the blockage. Nothing to sue about. (to the team) Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple’s. He'll be fine.

[Cut to Chase entering Stewart’s house. He pulls a cup of coffee out of a brown paper bag and hands it to Cameron. Cameron is sitting on the couch updating Stewart’s file]

Cameron: That's nice of you.

[They kiss. Chase pulls another cup out of the bag for himself and sits down on the couch beside Cameron]

Chase: He doing good?

Cameron: Uh, burns are healing fine. He's stable otherwise.

Chase: Good. So, uh, I could stay at your place tonight if you'd like.

Cameron: I can’t.

Chase: Well, you're not gonna sleep here, again.

Cameron: You might have noticed the lack of nurses.

Chase: Because you're not on the case. You can't really use that as an excuse…

Stewart: (calling from the bedroom) Dr. Cameron!

Cameron: Wait here.

[Cameron runs into Stewart’s bedroom]

Cameron: Your stomach?

Stewart: My legs are numb. I can't feel them at all.

[Cut to the team gathered in Stewart’s living room. They are on the phone with House who is sitting in his office, his feet on his desk, tossing his red and gray ball into the air. He has his speakerphone on as does the team]

Cameron: New symptom. Peripheral neuropathy. Got worse on antibiotics. It's not Whipple's.

Kutner: Porphyria.

Thirteen: Liver's fine. Amyloidosis.

Taub: We would've seen it on the intestines.

Foreman: What did we see on the intestines? Pink mucosa, flattened villi. It's not Whipple’s, it's gotta be celiac. Wheat allergy means she's not absorbing nutrients. Explains the seizures, stomach, and now the nerves.

Cameron: We should run a blood test for celiac.

House: Not fast enough. Not accurate enough. (He stops tossing the ball) Force-feed him wheat then do an endoscopy as it hits his duodenum. See if there's an allergic reaction.

Taub: His guts just exploded. It might be a tad painful to make him eat.

Cameron: That's House's point. There's nothing diagnostic about it. He's trying to put the patient in pain, force him to come in.

Foreman: It is a valid test.

Cameron: So is the blood test, which is painless.

House: Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. (speaking directly into his cell phone on the desk) Force-feed him.

Cameron: Don’t. You know House. You know I'm right.

Foreman: We'll do both tests.

[Cameron reluctantly gets up to go do the tests]

[Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office. He knocks on the door as he enters. Cuddy appears to be looking for a file. She is standing]

Wilson: I'm not here to play matchmaker.

Cuddy: (finding the file she was looking for) Okay.

Wilson: House basically… Well, he accused me of being interested in you.

Cuddy: (picking up a stack of files from her desk) Oh, he's just trying to change the subject.

Wilson: I know. But I do have… I've always… had… some feelings for you.

Cuddy: Are you saying you want to date me?

Wilson: No. I — I — it wouldn’t be fair to House and it's too soon after Amber.

Cuddy: (walking around to the front of her desk) But you thought you should just say it.

Wilson: Yeah. I thought you should know.

Cuddy: Let's have dinner tomorrow night.

Wilson: Okay.

Cuddy: Or maybe it would be better if we just… had sex.

Wilson: Pardon me?

Cuddy: In front of House's office. I mean, I don't want to take any chances. (moving closer to Wilson) I assume the point of this is to make him jealous and make him realize that he does want a relationship with me?

Wilson: Yes. You think it'll work?

Cuddy: You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating.

[She kisses him on the cheek and leaves her office]

{Cut to Stewart’s bedroom where he is eating something out of a bowl. Cameron is sitting in a chair across from him]

Stewart: You sure this is the best test?

Cameron: No. But you've kind of tied our hands. Soon as this hits your intestines, I'll look at it through an endoscope. Stewart, I know you don't want to talk about this, but… People who get shot often get PTSD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's very treatable with drugs and therapy.

Stewart: It's not PTSD. My girlfriend was with me when I got shot. She died.

Cameron: I'm sorry. But that's what I mean. I lost someone myself. I know it's traumatic.

Stewart: No, what — what — what I'm trying to say is that… I was like this before the shooting. Since I was a kid. Everything was hard for me. I — I didn't go out that much. And — and when I did… Panic attacks. Like physical pain. No, it was, like, worse. It was like I was dying. Then I met Angela. She was the only reason that I ever wanted to go out. But then she died.

[Stewart puts a napkin to his mouth and groans]

[Cut to Taub working in the lab. House enters]

Taub: Blood test will be done soon.

[House picks up the vile of blood and spills it onto the floor]

Taub: I'm guessing that's a new technique.

House: Hey, you remember that idea that Cameron had about trying to torture the patient into admitting himself?

Taub: Pretty sure it was your idea. You want me to slow down the test?

House: Wow. Everyone's got all these great ideas today. (pause) So you're thinking patient won't leave because leaving causes pain, so we gotta make staying more painful. That actually makes sense.

Taub: You'll increase his pain, but not enough to make a difference. He's on morphine.

House: He's on morphine now. Pretty soon he'll be on less-phine. 'Cause when you restock, you'll actually be giving Cameron IV bags of saline.

Taub: And why do you think I’ll be doing this?

House: Same reason you did the surgery.

Taub: That was because it was an emergency.

House: No. It was because your marriage is falling apart. When you confess adultery, things tend to go bad. When one part of your life does a Titanic, you make a life raft out of whatever's left, which makes your job more significant, which is why you did the surgery, why you pulled an all-nighter, and why you'll do this.

[House starts to leave but stops when Taub speaks again]

Taub: (looking over his shoulder at House) She's having me sleep on the couch. Just for a few nights. I'm not doing this to save my job. I'm doing this to save his life.

House: (looking back at Taub) Right. That's what we'll tell everyone.

[He winks and leaves]

[Cut to House’s apartment where, with instructions in hand, he is adjusting a large green machine with the label “Skeeter Trapper” on the side. The machine looks like a large tank and has numerous knobs and hoses. The buzzing of an insect can be heard.

As House turns on the machine, a label reading “Propane Outdoor” can be seen on a smaller tank at the top of the machine. House sits back, waiting for something to happen, but then he sees a mosquito buzzing around the machine. House gets up, rolls up the instruction sheets and takes a whack at the mosquito, which has landed on one of the knobs. He does not hit the mosquito, but he does disconnect the propane hose from the tank, a fact, of which he is unaware.

House follows the mosquito into the kitchen, trying to hit it with the rolled up instructions a few more times along the way. He sees the mosquito on one of the stove knobs, and again takes a whack at it, turning on the burner in the process. Again, he is unaware of what he has just done.

He turns back to the living room, still following the mosquito. He sees the disconnected hose on the propane tank, glances back and sees the lit burner on the stove, looks at the propane tank one more time, and finally realizes the situation he is in]

House: (looking more curious than alarmed) Huh.

[Cut to the front of House’s apartment which looks normal for about one second and then there is a huge explosion as propane meets fire]

[Quick cut to House jerking awake from his dream just as his apartment explodes. He looks around, and realizing that it was only a dream, sighs and puts his head back down on his pillow in relief]

[Cut to audio of persistent knocking and a visual of a disheveled Wilson answering his door in the middle of the night. He looks through the peephole and then unlocks and opens his door. House is standing in the hallway, cane still raised to knock and clutching his coat closed at the chest as if he is cold]

House: Buzzzzzzz.

[House walks into the apartment and heads right for the kitchen]

Wilson: Have you considered that it's not my place you really want to be walking into right now?

House: Rick Ocasek would kill me if I — oh, you mean Cuddy.

Wilson: Yeah, she's a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.

House: Yeah. I came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, not because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.

Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.

[House has gotten himself a glass of water at the kitchen sink. He takes a drink and turns back toward the living room]

House: Ah, she's bugging me. Poetic.

Wilson: Have you seen this bug?

House: (pointing to his hand) Have you seen this bite?

Wilson: No. What I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.

[House sits down on the sofa]

House: I am not imagining things.

[House puts the glass of water on the coffee table, and pops a Vicodin]

Wilson: House, you're a drug addict. You're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her. Your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.

House: She's my boss.

[House makes himself comfortable, lying down on the sofa]

Wilson: No, you're not afraid of authority. You're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there’s no one out there.

House: I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, you seen her ass recently?

Wilson: You're not staying here.

House: Oh, come on.

Wilson: No. You can go home. (He pushes House off the sofa) Or you're going to Cuddy's, (House gets up and moves toward the front door) gonna ring her doorbell… And you're gonna ask her out on a date (He pats House on the back) like regular people do.

House: At 3:00 in the morning? When do regular people sleep?

Wilson: (pushing House out the door) Buh-bye. (Wilson closes his door)

[Transition shot to a door opening as House enters Stewart’s bedroom. Stewart is asleep in his bed. Cameron is sleeping in an easy chair near the foot of the bed]

House: Is he in enough pain to come in yet?

Cameron: (sleepily) No. Antibody tests back?

House: Inconclusive.

Cameron: Then why are you here?

House: I missed you. Endoscopy?

Cameron: Inconclusive.

House: Well, then do it again.

[She gets up to do the test]

Cameron: (Stewart groans) I know it sucks, but I need to test your stomach again.

Stewart: (groaning) It's really hurting.

Cameron: I know. I'm sorry. Try to get you on your back and have you open your mouth.

Stewart: I can't…

[Cameron tries to roll Stewart over on his back but he loses consciousness and she drops his back onto the bed]

Cameron: He's out.

[Machines start beeping. House moves to the bed, feeling for a pulse]

Cameron: Anything?

House: No pulse. (pulling his phone from his pocket) Start CPR.

Cameron: Get the paddles. Get the paddles!

[House is dialing his cell phone. Cameron pulls the pillow from beneath Stewart’s head]

Cameron: Who are you calling?

House: Pizza. You like anchovies? I'm calling the lawyer. (House tucks his phone under his chin and starts CPR) Genuine emergency. He'll okay admission.

Cameron: He's dying.

House: Exactly. (to the lawyer) Hi. Sorry to wake you. Your introvert is having a heart attack.

Cameron: (preparing the defibrillator) House, if we don't restart his heart…

House: (still talking to the lawyer) He can survive 15 minutes on oxygen and CPR. We can get him to the hospital in five. (to Cameron) Lawyer says yes. Continue CPR.

[Cameron is ready to shock Stewart. House has dialed 911]

House: 2123 Holden Green. Patient with PEA.

Cameron: Clear.

House: Wait!

[Cameron shocks Stewart]

Cameron: I got a pulse. Cancel the ambulance. He's stable enough to stay here.

[Cut to a brief shot of Taub in Stewart’s bedroom and then to Stewart’s living room, where House, Cameron and the rest of the team are running a new differential]

Foreman: His heart's back to sinus rhythm, but it's bradycardic. Taub's putting in a temporary pacemaker. It'll keep his heart beating for now.

House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking 'cause it’s the only way I can fire you.

Cameron: Sorry. In the ER, we like to actually resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.

Kutner: Could be lymphoma.

House: We'd have seen it on the abdomen. It has to be a poison.

Kutner: Organophosphates.

Thirteen: We checked the place over and over. It's completely clean.

Kutner: There where rose petals in the front entry.

Foreman: Unless he's eating a bouquet a day, he couldn't —

House: How clean?

Thirteen: Very. He probably has a little OCD.

[House turns quickly and heads toward the bedroom door]

[Cut to House entering the bedroom. Taub is still with Stewart]

House: (to Stewart) How often do you wash your tub?

Stewart: Every couple days.

House: Bleach and ammonia?

Stewart: Yeah.

[House nods to Taub, who follows him out into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind him]

[Cut back to the living room]

House: You know how kids play toy soldiers in the bath? He likes to re-enact the battle of Ypres three times a week with real gas.

Kutner: Ammonia and bleach makes chlorine gas.

Foreman: Highly fat soluble. He lost weight after the stomach pain. Explains why his symptoms kept getting worse.

House: Put him on parenteral steroids and sodium bicarbonate.

Taub: Even if you're right, that external pacemaker's gonna fail eventually. And I don't have the skills to put in a permanent one.

House: Well, maybe the poison hasn’t completely shot his heart. And you won't have to feel guilty for the rest of your life.

[Cut to Chase and Cameron sitting in the main lobby of PPTH. Chase is holding Stewart’s file]

Chase: How am I gonna place the leads in the exact spot on the right ventricle without fluoroscopy? The force?

Cameron: Taub put in the temporary one.

Chase: You can do that playing pin the tail on the donkey. Permanent pacemakers need precision.

Cameron: So we can use the portable X-ray.

Chase: It's not real time.

Cameron: Sonogram.

Chase: And what happens when I put him into v-tach because the sonogram isn't precise enough?

Cameron: He's dying.

Chase: Exactly why I don’t want to be the one to kill him.

Cameron: (sourly) Thanks.

[Cameron gets up, Chase follows her, and she turns to face him]

Chase: You knew I'd have to say no. But you came anyway. You just wanted a reason to be angry at me. If there's something wrong between us, then —

Cameron: Forget it. (She starts to leave again)

Chase: You know why we spend nights at my house? (Cameron stops and looks at him with her arms crossed over her chest) Because when we spend them at yours… I could tell you didn't want me there.

Cameron: Why would I keep inviting you over if I didn’t want you there?

Chase: You always kicked me out every morning. You never offered me a drawer. You never cleared out your closet for me. I was just a visitor.

Cameron: How long have you felt like this?

Chase: From the start.

[Chase moves closer to her and takes her hand in his]

Chase: I know it's hard for you because you lost your husband, but. (pause) I can't keep chasing you forever.

[Chase hands Cameron the file and walks away]

[Cut to House sleeping in the Eames chair in his office. Its dark ouside. His ringing phone wakes him up. He answers it]

Cameron: (calling from Stewart’s house) I just tried your house. Where are you?

House: Clubbing. Good or bad?

Cameron: Bad. Vitals are dropping. The abdominal pain keeps getting worse.

House: Means we were too late with the treatment. Tell the lawyer he’s off the clock. We're done.

Cameron: You're giving up?

House: Call Taub. Tell him to pick up some morphine. (He sits up) There's no need for the patient to be in pain.

Cameron: He's on morphine.

House: No. He's on saline.

Cameron: I figured you put him on saline so I switched him back to morphine.

[The bandaid on House’s right hand is clearly visible in this scene]

House: I love you. When you reach puberty, give me — (House has his epiphany) His abdominal pain. That was on morphine?

[House gets out of the chair and grabs the scan of Stewart’s abdomen from his desk]

Cameron: Yes. Is there something that causes abdominal pain that doesn't respond to morphine?

[House puts the scan on the lightboard and turns it on]

House: I was right. He is being poisoned.

[Cut to House entering Stewart’s bedroom. He pulls the scan from an envelope and hands it to Cameron]

House: What's this density on his hip?

Cameron: (looking at the scan) Just bone.

House: Think less boney.

[House is putting on latex gloves]

Cameron: You think he's got lead poisoning?

House: Explains the constipation, the nerves, the seizures. Hold him down.

[Cameron opens Stewart’s pajama top to expose his chest and holds him by the shoulders]

House: (to Stewart) You're not gonna feel a thing… Except excruciating pain.

[House makes an incision in Stewart’s right side, just above his waist. Stewart groans in agony. He takes a couple of bullet fragments out of the wound and drops them in a metal bowl]

House: The mugger used hollow points. They exploded and left fragments. Your doctors missed a couple hiding behind your hipbone. It's no biggie. Except years later, they started to dissolve, and then, biggie, you started to dissolve.

[Cut to a visual of bullets entering flesh. The bullets break up; some fragments moving further into the body than others]

Cameron: I'll start him on chelation. The agoraphobia, could it —

House: No. Lead wouldn't have started to disintegrate till years after.

Cameron: But it could have exacerbated the fear.

Stewart: I don't need to change.

Cameron: I know you think that. But your life could be better. You — you — you’d have choices.

[House has picked up his cane and is now looking around Stewart’s bedroom]

House: He's lying.

Cameron: About what?

House: About everything. About his life. He doesn't even think he's happy here. He's miserable.

Stewart: I've got everything I need.

House: Yeah? Well, then why did Taub find rose petals in your entry hallway? Struck me as a little weird. Thought it might be medically relevant. But it actually just told me that you were pathetic. The day you crashed in your entryway… Was your girlfriend’s birthday. (He picks up a framed photograph) You weren't there for the mail. You were trying to go lay flowers on her grave. (House holds up the photo, which is obviously a picture of Stewart and his girlfriend)

House: Yeah, he's got PTSD. Yeah, he's agoraphobic. He's also a coward. You want to change your life, do something. Don't believe your own rationalizations. Don't lock yourself up and pretend you're happy.

[House, looking like he has had a realization, leaves the room]

[Cut to an aerial shot of PPTH at night and then an interior shot of Chase pulling a canned drink out of the refrigerator in the doctor’s lounge. Cameron enters]

Cameron: Hi.

Chase: Hi.

Cameron: You were right. About my husband. It affected me. It still affects me.

Chase: If you're saying you'll never be able to —

Cameron: I cleaned out a drawer for you. Like a big one.

[Chase smiles]

[Cut to House’s apartment. He is sitting on the sofa playing his acoustic guitar. He stops to tune a string, and the mosquito lands on his left hand. He carefully places the guitar across his lap and is about to kill the mosquito, when he pauses and looks intently at both of his hands. The bandaid is still visible on his right hand, the mosquito is on his left hand.

He holds both of his hands in front of himself for a moment as if seeing something clearly for the first time, then he sighs and gently blows the mosquito off his hand. The mosquito flies away.

House leans the guitar against the couch, gets up quickly, grabs his keys and his jacket and hurries out of the apartment, forgetting his cane]

[The rest of the scenes are set to background music of “I’m in Love With a Girl” by Alex Chilton]

[Cut to an evening shot of the street in front of Cuddy’s house. House pulls up on his motorcycle.]

[Cut to a brief close-up of Stewart standing in front of his inner door, and looking extremely anxious]

[Back to Cuddy’s street. House has turned of his motorcycle. He is gripping his leg and limping up Cuddy’s front walk]

[Back to Stewart, who is very hesitantly walking toward his front door]

[Cut to Chase putting his clothes in a drawer in Cameron’s dresser. Cameron is sitting on the bed. He tosses some socks at her. She tosses them back toward the drawer. They both look happy]

[Brief shot of House limping up Cuddy’s front steps]

[Back to Stewart who is now standing directly in front of his front door]

[Cut to Taub and Rachel’s apartment. Taub is asleep on the sofa. Rachel approaches and sits down on the sofa, waking Taub. Rachel lays down on the sofa with her husband, who puts his arms around her and hugs her hard]

[Back to Stewart, who puts his hand on the door handle and opens the door]

[Back to House. He is now on Cuddy’s porch. He looks through the window and sees Cuddy sitting in her living room drinking something out of a cup and looking content and relaxed. He just stands there watching her]

[Back to Stewart. He stands on his front porch and smiles tentatively, as if he now knows that he will be able to finally leave his house]

[Back to House, who looks down and then back at Cuddy sitting comfortably in her living room]

[Brief shot of Stewart starting down his front walk]

[Back to House. He shakes his head discouragingly, as if he, unlike Stewart, knows that he will not be able to accomplish what he set out to do]

[Back to Stewart walking, if not confidently, at least deliberately, down his front walk]

[Back to House, looking miserable, as he turns and starts back down Cuddy’s front walkway]

[Cut to Stewart still walking out of his house]

{Back to House, clutching his leg and limping slowly down the steps at the bottom of Cuddy’s front walk]

[Cut to Stewart who has reached the sidewalk and now turns to the right, free of his agoraphobia at last]

[The last shot is of House limping across the street toward his motorcycle]

THE END

Tags: season 5
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