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House MD – 5.06 Joy

Originally Aired: October 28, 2008

Written by: David Hoselton
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Open on Jerry Harmon. He’s looking out the window at a plant. The leaves are yellow and brown. He pours a mug of coffee and sniffs it. Shot of the coffee going down the drain. He pours another cup. He makes a new pot of coffee. He sniffs it and checks off items on a form. He puts down the clipboard and pours the coffee in the drain. He pours another cup. There are 5 coffee makers lined up on the kitchen counter. His daughter, Samantha, enters.]

Jerry: What time?

Samantha: 4:30.

Jerry: Why so late?

Samantha: Make-up test in social studies.

Jerry: Did you invite Shelby for Saturday?

Samantha: No.

Jerry: Do you want me to call her?

Samantha: Yeah, that'd be great. You calling a 12-year-old girl for a sleepover.

Jerry: It'll be fine.

Samantha: Make you a deal. I'll call a friend when you call a friend.

Jerry: It's your birthday. Do what you want.

Samantha: Thank you. Bye.

Jerry: Bye.

[He looks at the wall clock. It’s 8:10. He pulls a carafe from one of the coffee makers and starts to pour. The carafe is clean and dry. So is the next one and the one after that. He opens a cupboard and removes a giant can of coffee. He turns back to the counter. The coffee makers aren’t there. The wide-angle shot makes everything look out of proportion. Jerry scrubs his face with his hand. He hears a noise.]

Jerry: What did you forget?

Samantha: Nothing.

Jerry: Then why'd you come back?

Samantha: 'Cause I live here.

Jerry: Come on, Samantha, you're gonna be late for school.

Samantha: What are you talking about? It's 4:30.

[Jerry looks at the clock. It’s 4:33. He hears the faucet drip and the clock tick away the seconds.]

Samantha: Are you okay?

Jerry: I, uh… Tired, I guess.

[He rubs his eyes and looks around. He’s in the living room.]

Samantha: What's wrong?

Jerry: I don't know.

[Opening Credits]

[Cut to PPTH lobby. House enters for the day. Cuddy can be heard on her cell phone. She approaches, wearing jeans and a low-cut t-shirt.]

Cuddy: Great. That's all I need to know. [to House] You're late! [on the phone] Okay, bye. [She tries to give House a patient file.] 37-year-old male with recurring blackouts.

House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

Cuddy: The three doctors he's already seen already ruled out drugs and alcohol.

House: Well, then it's epilepsy. Tell him to buy a hockey helmet —

Cuddy: EEG's clean. So is the CT.

House: Relax. Just because you got approved by an adoption agency doesn't mean you'll get approved by the birth mother. You're a single mom. That puts you somewhere below couples acquitted in day care scandals.

Cuddy: You're welcome, Dr. House. It is an interesting case. [She starts to leave.]

House: What time are you seeing the mom?

Cuddy: [turning back] Are you having your guy follow me?

House: I just trashed your social value as a mother, and all I got was a little sarcasm. It means you don't feel the need to defend yourself, which means you're not worried about getting a kid, which means you've already got one.

Cuddy: We're meeting at 11:00. She's due to deliver a baby girl in two weeks.

House: I'm sure the mom'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor.

Cuddy: She's not a crack baby.

House: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.

Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use.

House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.

Cuddy: Because a kid you don't know may have some problems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?

House: Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good even, in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, never mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?

Cuddy: In a little place called "follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."

House: They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.

Cuddy: I'm not changing my mind. [She enters the clinic.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is writing on the white board. The team is at the table.]

Thirteen: Could be post concussion syndrome.

House: Not without a pre-concussion. Pick a number.

[The white board has “<7,” “7–14” and “<14” on it.]

Thirteen: For what?

House: Cuddy pool. She got the nod. Little tweaker's due in 14 days.

Kutner: That's great news… I think.

House: It's good news. The great news is she insisted that she's not gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she's not ready to be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind. The only question is when. $100 buy in. Less than seven means the next seven days.

Foreman: But she's been dying for a kid for three years. No way she's gonna back out now.

House: Not one of the options.

Taub: Mini strokes can cause blackouts and memory loss.

Thirteen: Nine hours is a lot of time to be out for a mini stroke.

Foreman: And there'd be residual damage on the CT.

Thirteen: Guy works at home as a consumer product tester. He could've been exposed to a toxin that caused short-term memory loss. Wouldn't show up on imaging.

[House draws a cartoon baby face on the white board.]

Kutner: Cavernous sinus thrombosis could cause absence seizures and memory loss. I'll take 7 to 14.

House: We have a player.

Thirteen: You just said it was great news. Now you want to bet against her?

Kutner: It's only great news if she wants it to be great news. House knows her better than any of us. [House has written “Kutner” in the middle column.] I'd rather use a pseudonym.

House: Good thinking. [He adds an “S” in front of Kutner’s name.]I say she's gonna meet the mom and bolt. I'm going for the early fold. [He writes “Jones” in the first column.] Check his home for toxins and his sinuses for thrombosises.

[Cut to Jerry and Samantha’s apartment. Taub and Thirteen are checking it out.]

Taub: Maybe he ODed on caffeine.

Thirteen: Apparently he didn't drink the coffee, just smelled it.

[Taub opens the door to Samantha’s bedroom. It’s completely utilitarian and neat. There’s a dresser and a made bed and two bedside tables. A baby doll lies exactly in the center of the pillow.]

Taub: Wow. Did they just move here?

Thirteen: Six years ago.

Taub: This is no way to raise a kid.

Thirteen: He's a single dad. I'm sure he's doing his best.

Taub: Which is why single people shouldn't have kids.

Thirteen: You got a problem with what Cuddy's doing? You think single mothers can't —

Taub: I think the traditional family is a fraud. Even married moms are single moms. Daddy just pays some bills and reads just enough bedtime stories to not kill himself out of guilt.

Thirteen: My dad was great. After my mom died —

Taub: He might be the exception. On the other hand, you are fairly screwed up. [He goes back to the living room.]

Thirteen: No booze, no meds, no drugs.

Taub: [pulling the curtain aside] And no view. Building's half-empty. He'd rather have a view of the turnpike than the park.

Thirteen: Park views are probably 50% more. You're the surprised the guy's a pragmatist after looking at this place?

Taub: Guy's not a pragmatist. He's a flagellant.

Thirteen: Ump. Looks like mold.

[He hands her the bag he’s carrying. She uses a screwdriver to pry the baseboard off. He swabs the mold.]

Taub: Mom would've cleaned better.

[Cut to exam room. Thirteen is swabbing inside Samantha’s mouth.]

Thirteen: Exposure to certain types of mold can cause short-term memory loss. We're testing both of you.

Samantha: I feel fine.

Thirteen: I'm sure you are. We're just being cautious. So where do you guys go other than home and school? [She checks Samantha’s eyes.]

Samantha: Nowhere. Dad works at home, and I go to school.

Thirteen: What about sports, friends, travel?

Samantha: Like I said, dad works at home, and I go to school.

Thirteen: [checking Samantha’s glands] Must be hard not having your mom around, huh?

Samantha: I was only four when the accident happened.

Thirteen: Still, I'm sure you both miss her sometimes.

Samantha: Not really.

Thirteen: You're strong.

Samantha: No, I just don't get what the big deal about death is, you know?

Thirteen: Yeah.

[Cut to nurses’ station.]

Foreman: How is she?

Thirteen: Physically, she's fine. Mentally, she's weird.

Foreman: I'm sure she's just freaked out about her dad. [He looks past her.] Mr. Harmon? [Jerry is at the elevator, fully dressed.] Mr. Harmon.

Thirteen: Where are you going?

[The elevator door opens. She steps in front of him to keep him from getting on.]

Jerry: I have an appointment. I have to go.

Thirteen: We haven't finished with your treatment. We're still waiting on some test results.

Jerry: I have an appointment.

Foreman: Sorry, you're gonna have to reschedule.

Jerry: I really have to go.

Thirteen: [with a puzzled look at Foreman] Mr. Harmon, do you know where you are?

Jerry: Why are you trying to stop me?

Foreman: [flashlight in hand] Look at his eyes.

Thirteen: Is he having a seizure?

Foreman: His pupils are responsive. I think he's… asleep.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.]

Taub: He was just asleep. Means no memory loss. And sleepwalking doesn't kill. Unless he walks out a window.

Foreman: Sleepwalking's not a diagnosis. It's a symptom. As long as we can't figure out why —

Taub: Stress-induced insomnia. Lots of people sleepwalk.

Foreman: Not in the middle of the day before they've even put their head on a pillow.

Kutner: Could be some sort of narcolepsy.

House: [inspecting the coffee area] Which is caused by…

Kutner: There's usually genetic history.

House: Or?

Thirteen: If you know the answer, can you tell us the answer?

House: I don't know the answer. Which brings us back to — or?

Kutner: Some sort of environmental trigger.

House: Which means?

Taub: It's a toxin.

House: So we are?

Thirteen: Being lead down an annoying path.

House: I honestly don't know where this is going. Just following the clues.

Taub: We're right back where we started. The mold we found doesn't cause these symptoms. And there's nothing else at his home.

House: And?

Thirteen: And you're obnoxious. He never goes anywhere else.

House: Which we know because?

Thirteen: Because he says so. Because his daughter says so. Because they have no reason to lie.

House: Which proves he never goes anywhere else… [pause] when… [pause] he's… [longer pause]

Taub: Conscious.

House: Oh, my God, you're right.

Foreman: He said he had an appointment.

House: Next time, let him keep it. Send him home. See where his dreams take him.

[Cut to a coffee house. Cuddy enters and looks around. She sees a young, blonde woman sitting alone at the counter.]

Cuddy: Becca?

Becca: Dr. Cuddy?

Cuddy: Lisa. Nice to meet you.

Becca: Oh, you want one? [She indicated the frosted cookies on a plate in front of her.]

Cuddy: No thanks.

Becca: I can't stop eating them. I guess it's, like, a craving. I must have, like, a dozen a day. Oh, and this is decaf.

Cuddy: How have you been feeling?

Becca: Oh, you know, tired, fat, nervous.

Cuddy: Is there, um, anything you want to ask me?

Becca: Uh, yeah, actually, I just have one question. Um, what are you gonna call her?

Cuddy: Ah, I'm not sure. It's all been rather sudden, you know? I like Joy. But as I said, I haven't really decided yet.

Becca: Well, is there anything you want to ask me? It's okay.

Cuddy: The agency web site is filled with prospective parents. Their photos, their biographies. There's so many wonderful people out there. Wonderful couples.

Becca: Why did I choose a single mom? My grandmother was married for 37 years to a man that treated her like garbage. And my mom would've stayed married to my loser dad that long, but he dumped her. You know, I never understood how you could fall for the same crap as your mother. Then I met Tony. [pause] When I read your bio, a doctor, a head of a hospital, I saw your picture… I don't want her raised by a loser.

Cuddy: [looks at Becca’s wrist] How long have you had that rash?

Becca: I don't know. A few days?

Cuddy: Have you had any joint pain?

Becca: Yeah, I'm pregnant. All my joints hurt.

Cuddy: They shouldn't all hurt. Have you been using?

Becca: Not in seven months. Not since I found out I was pregnant.

Cuddy: That needs to be checked out.

[Cut to Jerry on a webcam. He’s wearing a do-rag and typing on a laptop. A monitor and equipment measuring his vitals are with Thirteen and Taub in Samantha’s room. Thirteen is twisting on the desk chair. Taub is on the bed, playing with the doll.]

Thirteen: You sure you don't want children?

Taub: You know, just because we're stuck here and I'm lying down doesn't mean we need to get deep.

Thirteen: You're afraid you'll make the same mistake you made with your wife. Get caught taking some other kid to a ball game.

Taub: I like my life as it is.

Thirteen: Alpha waves increasing.

Taub: Any change in demeanor?

Thirteen: No, nothing. He just got up.

Taub: [getting up and checking the equipment] Maybe it's a result of the blood pressure change. Delta waves, out of nowhere. He's now asleep. Brain's supposed to turn off motor function.

[As they watch on the computer, Jerry goes to a table and takes off the head gear with all the electronic monitor leads. He puts on his jacket and heads for the door.]

Thirteen: If the brain was doing what it was supposed to be doing, we wouldn't be here. He's leaving. Come on.

[Cut to the ER. Cameron is examining Becca.]

Cuddy: She's 38 weeks. You think it's fifth disease?

Becca: What's that?

Cuddy: It's a viral infection. It can infect the fetus.

Cameron: Usually in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, and in women who have trouble with their immune system.

Cuddy: History of drug use could've compromised her immune system.

Becca: I told you I haven't used anything in seven months.

Cameron: It does look more like a heat rash to me.

Cuddy: Yes, well, maybe we want to look at the actual blood tests.

Cameron: Of course. [She removes her gloves and walks off.]

Becca: She works for you?

Cuddy: Yeah.

Becca: Everybody here works for you.

Cuddy: [nods slightly] When this happens for real, are you okay to deliver here?

Becca: Yeah, sure.

Cuddy: Good.

Cameron: [returning with the test results] Blood work's normal.

Cuddy: Test it again.

Cameron: Tested it twice. [to Becca] I'll get you some topical cream for that rash.

Cuddy: I'm admitting her.

Cameron: There's nothing wrong with her.

Cuddy: There are dozens of other things this rash could indicate. I want a full fetal work up.

[Cut to Cuddy and House walking through the lobby. He’s carrying a coffee cup.]

House: You're losing it. That's what happens when you have kids. Ceaseless crying and nagging leads to irrational fears. It's impressive that you didn't wait for the actual crying and nagging.

Cuddy: She had a lace pattern rash, joint pain, and a history of drug abuse. You would've done exactly the same thing.

House: Uh-huh. And I'd be an excellent father.

[He tosses the contents of the cup on her shoulder.]

Cuddy: Hey! What are you doing?

House: Baby barf. Maternity ward was handing out free samples.

Cuddy: [pulling tissues from a dispenser at the nurses’ station] Well played, sir. You leave me no choice but to change. My clothes, not my mind.

House: That's exactly my point. It's not gonna be me and a cup. It's gonna be eight times a day. If you can't handle wearing that stain, you can't handle a baby.

Cuddy: Why do you even care? It's not like I'm ever gonna ask you to babysit.

House: I'm a humanitarian.

[Cut to Taub and Thirteen following Jerry’s car.]

Taub: We should stop him.

Thirteen: The whole point was to —


Taub: Let him plow into some innocent bystander?

Thirteen: His legs are working. Obviously, his eyes are working too.

Taub: His reaction time could be slower.

Thirteen: He's stopping.

Taub: Yeah, I see. [A woman is leaning into Jerry’s car. Only her butt and legs are visible.] He's having sleep sex.

Thirteen: Maybe. Pull up to her.

Taub: I know.

[Sadie, the woman, is walking in their direction. Taub stops next to her.]

Thirteen: What'd that guy want?

Sadie: Piss off.

Thirteen: Go after him. She's not a hooker.

Taub: How do you know?

Thirteen: Do you want me to describe the clues, or do you want to stop him before he finishes off the drugs he just bought?

[They pull up behind him and get out. Taub approaches from the driver’s side, Thirteen opens the passenger door. Jerry looks at them blankly. Thirteen picks up a packet from the seat and passes it to Taub.]

Thirteen: Apparently, Rip's a coke fiend.

[Cut to the PPTH cafeteria. White powder is falling onto the desk. It’s sugar that House is pouring out of a single-serving packet.]

House: So Sleeping Beauty has a Jones for Snow White.

Taub: Coke explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking.

Foreman: But it doesn't explain the rip in the space-time continuum. Coke leads to sleepwalking, which leads to coke, which leads to sleepwalking. What caused the first sleepwalking?

[House takes a credit card from his pocket and uses it to divide and group the sugar as if it were coke.]

Thirteen: The coke he took while he was wide-awake.

Kutner: Says he didn't.

Thirteen: Wouldn't be the first time somebody lied about drug use.

Kutner: He has no reason to lie. He knows he's sick. His job doesn't drug test. No relationship. His daughter wouldn't find out.

House: Maybe he just forgot.

Taub: Forgot he did cocaine? You're going with forgot over lying?

House: Fits. Cocaine explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking. Whatever is in the cocaine other than the cocaine explains the memory loss.

Taub: Dealers cut this stuff with all kinds of garbage.

Thirteen: Great, we'll start him on immediate treatment for all kinds of garbage.

House: You can narrow it down in the lab.

Thirteen: Not without a sample.

House: So get a sample.

Taub: You want us to score cocaine from a drug dealer?

House: It's exciting.

Thirteen: It's a felony.

House: It's necessary.

[Taub and Thirteen look at each other and get out of the booth they were in.]

[Cut to ultrasound of Becca’s baby. Cameron is doing the test while Cuddy looks on, smiling.]

Cameron: There she is. Amniotic fluid looks good. Good fetal movement. Heart's beating nicely. [She leans forward to stare at the image.]

Cuddy: What?

Cameron: It looks like pulmonary hypoplasia.

Becca: What's that?

Cuddy: The baby's lungs are underdeveloped. She won't be able to breath on her own.

Becca: She might die?

Cuddy: I don't know.

Cameron: If she was born today, she'd be in trouble, but we're not gonna let that happen. We'll put you on magnesium to prevent labor and steroids to grow the lungs. It's a good thing Dr. Cuddy brought you in.

[Cut to the car. Thirteen and Taub are parked near the place they last saw Sadie.]

Taub: How do you know what a drug dealer looks like?

Thirteen: I'm not doing drugs, if that's what you're asking. I just noticed that she had cash in her hand. Obviously came from him. Obviously didn't have enough time to perform any other services.

Taub: I didn't notice her holding any —

Thirteen: Mmph. There she is. [They get out of the car.]

Taub: Uh, we're not cops. Cops aren't allowed to say that, right?

Sadie: Yeah, they can say it. But if you were a cop, you'd know that. What do you want?

Taub: [looking around before leaning close to Sadie] I would like to buy some cocaine, please.

Sadie: Oh, definitely not a cop.

[Sadie and Thirteen are smiling. Taub gives her money in exchange for the packet she takes from her jacket.]

Taub: Thank you.

Thirteen: Wait.

[She takes the packet from Taub and opens it. She massages her gums with a little cocaine.]

Thirteen: It's good.

Taub: Glad you like it, Pablo. Now can we go?

Thirteen: No. You gave us the wrong stuff.

Sadie: What are you talking about? You got my best.

Thirteen: I know. I don't want the good "get your new customer hooked" stuff. I want the stepped on "keep the old customer coming back for more" stuff.

Sadie: Are you crazy, bitch?

Thirteen: No, I'm a just a bitch who knows what she wants.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s on the floor opening boxes. House is squeaking a fluffy, stuffed duckling.]

House: Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you. All of the shopping, none of the stretch marks.

Cuddy: Not a good time.

House: Right, kid's getting worse. Blessing in disguise. Although a completely predictable one. You take in strays, don't be surprised by the worms.

Cuddy: Still wearing the sweater.

House: I didn't say you weren't stubborn. I said you weren't maternal.

Cuddy: Thank you. Go away.

House: You're getting crankier.

Cuddy: Baby's sick. Sorry I'm not finding the fun in that.

House: Is it really worth it? Just for the pursuit of unconditional love?

Cuddy: Only you could see that as a bad thing.

House: It's a fake thing. There's no unconditional love. It's just unconditional need. Don't make this child a victim of your biological clock.

Cuddy: Victim? You think she's better off staying —

House: Yes! Because at least she knows she's not qualified for the job.

[He knocks over a table lamp with a glass shade.]

Cuddy: Let me guess. I'm gonna tell her not to play ball in the house, but she's not gonna listen.

House: No, actually, I was going for "she sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping, and he wants to do it on the desk." And at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem.

Cuddy: You know you're gonna pay for that.

House: I'm paying for it right now. With wisdom.

Cuddy: Get out.

[Cut to the clinic waiting area. As House leaves Cuddy’s office, Taub and Thirteen are waiting for him.]

Taub: We found lactose. The coke was cut with milk powder.

House: Makes it nutritious.

Thirteen: Not much of a toxin.

House: It is if he's allergic to milk.

Taub: He's not. He has milk in his fridge.

House: How does he like his coffee?

Taub: I don't know. What does that —

House: What type of cereal's in the cabinet?

Thirteen: Cocoa-something. Why, what does it matter?

House: [pushing the button for the elevator] He likes his coffee black. Milk's for the kid.

Thirteen: How can you be sure?

House: Because if he drank the milk, he'd know that he's lactose intolerant. Ask him, then treat him for allergic reaction. If he gets better, we all get to go home early. [The elevator doors close, leaving Thirteen and Taub in the lobby.]

[Cut to Becca’s room.]

Cuddy: Steroids make you more prone to infection. You'll have to stay here for the next two weeks so we can monitor you.

Becca: The baby's lungs, is that because of… the meth?

Cuddy: Could be.

Becca: You must hate me.

Cuddy: If you'd done everything right in your life, I wouldn't be getting a baby.

Becca: [rubbing her belly] You're not scared?

Cuddy: I am scared.

Becca: You got, like, this perfect life.

Cuddy: Not yet.

[A monitor starts beeping.]

Becca: What's that?

Cuddy: Heart rate's climbing.

Becca: What's wrong with her?

Cuddy: It's not the baby. It's you. [Becca is bleeding onto the bed.] I need two units of O-negative, stat!

[Cut to House’s office. Cuddy is sitting in front of his desk, head down. House enters.]

Cuddy: The mother had a stage two placental abruption. She's losing blood.

House: So deliver the baby.

Cuddy: The lungs are ten weeks premature. [She hands him a clipboard.]

House: So deliver now, risk the baby. Deliver later, risk the mom. It's not your baby yet. It's not your call.

Cuddy: She'll do whatever I tell her to do.

House: Self-worth issues. That's genetic, you know. You should deliver now.

Cuddy: Right. [She gets up to leave.]

House: Are you serious?

Cuddy: You're not? You just told me —

House: The wrong answer. You can give the mom more blood. You can't give the fetus more lungs.

Cuddy: The lungs might work. It's the right decision medically.

House: And yet you're here.

Cuddy: To get your opinion, not to get jerked around.

House: See, this is what's screwed up here. You're not sure that this is the right call, but you are sure that this is what you want to tell her. And that scares you because your motives aren't medical. Some part of you doesn't want this baby, and that part wants to tell her to kill it.

Cuddy: This is an impossible situation. I'm advising her to take the safest route.

House: Right. Doesn't explain why you changed your sweater.

[She stares at him then leaves.]

[Cut to doctor’s lounge. Wilson is reading the paper and holding an apple. House enters.]

House: I need your advice. [He drops a file on the table.]

Wilson: [without looking up] It's not cancer.

House: Wow. Can you remove spleens with your mind too?

Wilson: You're here to talk about Cuddy. The file is a pretext. [He starts shining the apple.]

House: Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff.

Wilson: If she can't handle your insanity, she can't handle a baby.

House: That's exactly my point.

[He takes a box of Sugar Bits from the cupboard and comes to the table. Wilson is still polishing his apple.]

Wilson: No, it isn't. You're feeling threatened because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade.

House: She's sleeping with the math teacher to get a diploma.

Wilson: Adoption is cheating? Are they giving her a fake kid?

House: That's the problem. She gets to have a relationship with a kid, but she can't handle one with an adult. So she's gonna kill it.

Wilson: Well, it does seem cleaner. [House tosses the box on the table.] I've seen the file. She's making a judgment call.

House: Decisions are never made in a vacuum. [He takes back the patient file.]

Wilson: Just like your decision to make her miserable. You're doing this because we no longer have inkwells and Cuddy doesn't have pigtails.

[House grabs the apple, takes a big bite out of it and drops it back in Wilson’s hands.]

House: Why do you think I did that?

[He leaves as an exasperated Wilson toys with the apple.]

[Cut to Jerry’s room. Taub enters.]

Taub: How you doing?

Jerry: Not sure. Been keeping an eye on the clock like you said. I don't think I lost any time.

Taub: The machinery agrees with you. That means your problems were caused by the coke.

Jerry: Can't believe I did coke.

Taub: You were asleep.

Jerry: I chose to do coke.

Taub: In your sleep. You weren't responsible.

Jerry: Something inside me wanted to do it. Something inside of me didn't think it was wrong.

Taub: It's like a dream. We all do stuff in our dreams we wouldn't do when we're awake.

Jerry: I don't.

Taub: What's that? [He points at Jerry’s chest. There’s blood on it.]

Jerry: Did I fall asleep and hurt myself? I don't see any cuts.

Taub: Because there aren't any. I think… You're sweating blood.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.]

House: Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying?

Foreman: And neither cocaine or allergies are the answer.

Kutner: It's gotta be systemic. Hemorrhagic virus, maybe?

Thirteen: You think it's Ebola? His white blood cell count would be through the roof. It's not an infection.

Kutner: DIC?

Thirteen: Coags are normal.

Taub: It's cancer. Leukemia explains everything.

Kutner: No fever.

Taub: The bleeding.

Kutner: No weight loss.

Taub: The rash.

Kutner: No headache.

Taub: The fatigue.

Kutner: Leukemia'd be obvious from the CBC.

Taub: Leukemia has false negatives all the time.

[Taub turns to House whose eyes have been flicking back and forth between him and Kutner like he’s watching a tennis match. He looks at Kutner once more to give him a chance to return the volley before answering.]

House: So we have four reasons for leukemia, four reasons against.

Foreman: Only need one against.

House: Yeah, if we had one reason for anything else. Go do a bone marrow biopsy.

[Cut to Becca’s room.]

Becca: What would you do?

Cuddy: I think… I think you should wait.

Becca: But if I wait… I could die.

Cuddy: There would be more danger for you, but —

Becca: Is this your opinion as a doctor or as a mother?

Cuddy: It's my medical opinion. It's my personal opinion. I don’t —

Becca: [sobs] I don't want to wait.

Cuddy: It might only be one week. We will keep you on plasma.

Becca: This is not my baby. I have already sacrificed nine months for this stupid mistake. I don't… I don't want to sacrifice any more.

Cuddy: Becca, you asked my opinion because you wanted to do the right thing. You are giving up this baby because you don't want to make the mistakes your mom made, her mom made. You have a chance to break this cycle, to do something great for this baby.

Becca: No.

[Cut to treatment room. Jerry is on his side. Kutner is doing the bone marrow biopsy with Taub’s help. Jerry grunts with pain.]

Kutner: I need you to hold still.

Taub: Wait. [He pulls Jerry’s legs free of the blanket. The right one is several shades darker than the left.] Have you been testing any tanning creams or sprays?

Jerry: No.

Kutner: It's not a tan. Means it's not leukemia.

[Cut to Kutner and Taub following House down a hallway.]

Kutner: Chem panel confirms kidney failure, end stage.

House: Got him on dialysis?

Taub: BP's too low.

House: Too bad. It would've been nice to have more than an hour or two to solve this thing.

Kutner: Hemachromatosis?

House: He have tiny testes?

Taub: No. Scleroderma.

House: His skin's darker, not lighter. As much fun as 20 questions tends to be, he's blowing blood out of every orifice, you think it just might be vascular?

Taub: Vasculitis?

House: If I had said it might be "vitas gerular," would you have said "Vitas Gerulaitis?" Test him for vasculitis, angio and blood.

Kutner: Even if we're right, he's gonna need a kidney transplant.

House: Test the daughter.

Kutner: She's 12.

House: Small kidney. It just means he won't pee as much. Great for road trips.

Kutner: I meant she's a minor and daddy has a conflict, so we're gonna need Cuddy's sign off.

House: So get it.

Taub: She's… kind of busy.

[Cut to OR. Chase is delivering Becca’s baby by C-section while Cuddy looks on.]

Chase: Clamp. [Becca, who’s awake, looks around. Cuddy fidgets nervously.] Suction. Entering the abdominal cavity. There's the head.

House: Got a minute? [Cuddy and Becca both turn to see him leaning into the OR.]

Cuddy: Get out of here.

Becca: Who's that?

Chase: Dr. Gregory House. He's the one you'll be suing when you develop sepsis.

Becca: Well, why is he here?

House: Better question is why is she here? You're an administrator. Administrate. I have a patient's daughter needs a guardian ad litem.

Chase: [in the background] That's it.

House: Tests are inconclusive. But either way he's gonna need —

Cuddy: House, get out!

House: This doesn't need you. I do.

Chase: Head's out.

Cuddy: [looking at the delivery] Later.

House: Later's too late.

Chase: And there she is.

[He pulls blood-covered baby out onto Becca’s stomach.]

Cuddy: Come on, cry. [pause]Come on. [They move her to a bassinet.] Come on. Joy, cry. Cry, Joy.

Becca: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Chase: [taps Joy’s foot. She lets out a cry.] Ah. That's the sound we like to hear. Apgar's nine out of ten.

Cuddy: You hear that? You just got your first "A."

[She approaches Becca with the blanket-wrapped baby.]

Becca: She's… yours now.

[House has been watching, silently.]

House: Mazel Tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life, “Mommy's gotta go to work.”

[Cut to Jerry’s room. Samantha is sitting on the second bed.]

Cuddy: Have the risks of the transplant procedure been explained to you?

House: [pacing by the window] Damn it. I was hoping you weren't going to ask her that. Of course she knows. Can you just sign the paperwork?

Cuddy: Dr. House explained to you that all surgeries carry risk? You could die.

House: And if you don't do it, daddy will die.

Cuddy: Stop pressuring her.

House: Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy. But we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three.

Cuddy: [turning toward him] Shut up. Do you understand the risks of living with one kidney?

Samantha: Yeah.

Cuddy: And you still want to proceed with the transplant?

Samantha: Yeah.

Cuddy: Okay, go ahead.

[House is staring at Samantha. He approaches the bed.]

House: No.

Cuddy: I'm saying you can proceed.

House: I'm saying I can't. [He leans over to peer into Samantha’s eyes.] Whatever he has, she has too. She's sleepwalking.

[Cut to bench under the Witherspoon Wing sign. House, fidgeting with a Vicodin bottle, sits between Taub and Kutner.]

Kutner: If we don't give him a new kidney, he's dead in a week. We have to transplant.

House: When your remote has a dead battery, you don't replace it with another dead battery. Whatever's killing the dad's kidneys is gonna kill the kid's too.

Taub: It is possible the sleep issues aren't medically related. Maybe they're both insomniacs due to the turnpike noise. Maybe they both drink too much coffee, maybe —

Thirteen: [approaching] House is right.

Taub: How do you know?

Thirteen: Because the daughter's sweating blood. If they have the same thing, it means there has to be a common cause. Which means it has to be a toxin, infection, or genetic. And since we've ruled out infections and toxins —

Kutner: It narrows it down to any one of a dozen genetic disorders, each of which takes more than a week to run.

House: Call Foreman. Get to work.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House is still playing with the pill bottle.]

Wilson: Cuddy is positively aglow. What's your theory? She's only acting happy to make you miserable?

House: I need a genetic disease.

Wilson: I'm sure you're carrying a few.

House: Symptoms are kidney failure, bleeding, and insomnia.

Wilson: You paid off the pool? Technically, anyone who didn't enter is a winner.

House: It's not over yet. Everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa.

Wilson: Adoption's a cheat, remember? There's no real pregnancy, so there's no stranded dopamine receptors, so there's no postpartum depression. Cuddy will be the happiest new mother you've ever seen. [House stares.] I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word.

House: [leaving] Nope!

[Cut to Jerry’s and Samantha’s room. Kutner and Thirteen are at Samantha’s bed; Foreman and Taub are at Jerry’s.]

House: Good news. I know what you have, and you're both gonna be fine.

[Jerry and Samantha both look at him with no change in their expressions.]

Taub: What? Are you serious?

House: Yes and no.

Foreman: So you do know what they have?

House: Yeah.

Foreman: But they aren't gonna be fine?

House: No idea. They might be.

Foreman: Why the hell would you say they were?

House: To make them happy.

Foreman: For two seconds?

House: Technically, to see if they can be happy. We should've seen a grin, a twinkle, a sigh of relief, something.

Foreman: They're sick. They're tired.

House: They're anhedonic, incapable of experiencing pleasure. Something's bushwhacked their dopamine receptors.

Thirteen: They're depressed. Mom's dead. Dad's dying. You should know that being bummed isn't necessarily a pathology.

House: Being bummed doesn't explain their lack of friends or their indifference to each other.

Taub: Why their place had no music, no view, no decor.

Thirteen: But if you can't feel pleasure, what's with the cocaine?

House: Really? Is that why you do drugs? Because you're happy? Most people do 'em because they want to be happy. His subconscious craved it, needed it.

Foreman: Most common cause of anhedonia is schizophrenia.

House: Sure, in white folk.

Kutner: They're… black?

House: They're liars. [to Jerry] What's your name?

Jerry: Jerry Harmon.

House: Your real name. Hosarian? Herzog? H'ali-baba?

Jerry: Hammoud. Jamal Hammoud. Changed it when we invaded Iraq the first time. How'd you know?

House: You and your daughter have Familial Mediterranean Fever. It's a genetic disease contracted by people of Mediterranean descent. Sephardic Jews, Armenians, Arabs. Causes anhedonia, seizures, kidney failure, even lactose intolerance. Symptoms are set off by age and stress. Kid couldn't get happy, but she could get stressed by daddy dying.

Jerry: You don't know if we'll get better?

House: Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage. Start them on colchicine and melphalan. [He starts to leave.]

Foreman: His kidneys are fried. If he doesn't have FMF, the colchicine will kill him.

House: Boy, sure hope I'm right. [He leaves.]

[Cut back and forth between Jerry and Samantha’s room, the next day where Thirteen is taking notes while they are unconscious and Cuddy’s house. She is paining a room yellow.]

[Cut to Jerry and Samantha’s room, later.]

Thirteen: [quietly] Mr. Harmon? Mr. Harmon, I need you to open your eyes. [He does.] Feeling better?

[Jerry looks out the window and smiles at all the pretty, green plants.]

Jerry: How's Samantha?

Thirteen: Healthy enough to toss you a kidney.

[Samantha sits up so she is visible in the bed behind Thirteen.]

Samantha: Dad?

Jerry: Sammy.

[They smile and laugh at each other.]

[Cut to Cuddy coming to see Becca.]

Cuddy: The baby's doing great. I… I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

Becca: I was —I was stupid and selfish.

Cuddy: You were scared.

Becca: Yeah, but you wouldn't have been.

Cuddy: That's not true.

Becca: Well, I mean, you would've been scared, but… You would've done the right thing anyway. And I want to be like that. I don't… I don't want to be a loser.

Cuddy: You're not a loser.

Becca: When I saw you hold her and the look on your face, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And that's when I realized… I can't.

Cuddy: [realizing what she’s talking about] Becca.

Becca: My life, it's always been about pain, and anger, and disappointment. Never about love. And that's when I realized, you know, it could be. And I can't give that away.

Cuddy: Becca, don't do this. Uh… what you're feeling is natural. But you're filled with hormones, and emotion, and fear, and… you just can't make a huge decision like this right now. You have to give it some time.

Becca: I am… I'm so sorry.

Cuddy: It's a decision that changes everything. Changes the rest of your life.

Becca: I hope so.

[Cuddy swallows hard and leaves.]

[Cut to musical montage of Joy in her bassinet; Samantha playing with Jerry’s hair while they both laugh; Cuddy in the hospital nursery, holding Joy’s hand; Jerry and Samantha laughing; and Cuddy crying as she holds Joy’s hand.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s house. She sits on the floor in the newly painted nursery in old pants and an oversized sweater. She looks like she’s been crying. There’s a knock on the door. She opens it. House is there.]

Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating.

[She moves away from the door and leans against a wall. He limps into the house and closes the door behind him.]

House: [quietly] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenage boys riding bareback.

Cuddy: No. I'm done. I can't go through that again.

House: You're quitting. Just like you quit IVF.

Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.

House: There, you just did it again. [She smiles, humorlessly.] It's too bad. You would've made a great mother.

[She stares at him then looks away. She moves her head for a few seconds before speaking.]

Cuddy: You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I'd suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [in his face. He looks a little taken aback.] Why do you need to negate everything?

House: [whispers] I don't know.

[He leans his head down and they’re kissing. She holds his head in her sleeve-covered hands. His arms are wrapped around her. They cling to each other, kissing passionately, for 12 very long seconds. As they break, Cuddy, who was on her toes, drops down to stand normally. House straightens up, putting a few inches between them.]

House: [whispers] Good night.

Cuddy: [as he closes the door] Good night.

[The End]

Tags: season 5
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