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House MD – 4.13 No More Mr. Nice Guy

Originally Aired: April 28, 2008

Written by: David Hoselton & David Shore
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly )


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Opens at a picket line for a nurses strike outside PPTH, a nurse, Deb Tallridge, is walking the picket line with her husband Jeff]

DEB: Who ever thought walking in a circle at two miles an hour would be draining?

JEFF: [Smiles] Fresh air, exercise.

DEB: You know, some things do have their negative sides. Our income just got cut in half.

JEFF: And we get to spend twice as much time together.

DEB: More, if you don't leave before your lunch hour's over. [Jeff laughs.]

[A delivery man walks up with some boxes on a trolley.]

DELIVERY MAN: Out of my way.

DEB: We have a legal right to hold you up for 15 seconds. 15... 14...

DELIVERY MAN: One?

DEB: 11, 10... [The delivery man rams into her with his trolley.] Ow!

DELIVERY MAN: Just trying to do my job.

JEFF: Hey, relax, three more seconds and you can go.

DELIVERY MAN: [To Jeff] Are you telling me what to do?

JEFF: It's okay. Just take a breath. [Hugs the Delivery man.]

DELIVERY MAN: [Pushes Jeff away.] Get the hell off me.

JEFF: I think it's been 15. [He gets a blank look on his face and his eyes roll back into his head.]

DEB: You okay? [Screen goes white and we hear Jeff fall to the ground.] Oh, my god, Jeff!

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House walking into ER, which is very busy with doctors and patients all over the place.]

HOUSE: The place is a mess.

CAMERON: Welcome to a world without nurses. [Hands House some files.] Here, you can start with these.

HOUSE: [Doesn't take them.] It's not my fault, I don't use nurses.

CAMERON: Cuddy was looking for you, said she'd send you down here.

HOUSE: I know, that's why I'm here. [Goes and sits down.]

CAMERON: Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet. [Shakes her head and goes to look after a patient.]

HOUSE: She's going to look everywhere except the place she wants me to be. [Puts his feet up and starts to read a magazine. Glances over at Jeff who is sitting on the end of his bed smiling.] [To Cameron.] Hey.

CAMERON: I've got an aortic dissection here.

HOUSE: What's with the idiot?

CAMERON: Ah.. [Picks up his file.] Fainting spell and recent history of dysgeusia. Everything tastes like lemon meringue pie. You want to take him?

HOUSE: No. [Cameron makes an 'of course' gesture and goes back to what she was doing.] [To Jeff.] Sir. Why do you have two lunches in front of you?

JEFF: Been here for two meals.

HOUSE: And you're happy with that?

JEFF: [Shrugs.] No, I just don't see much use in complaining.

HOUSE: Seriously? It's a very useful tool. [Gets up and walks over to him.] Complain, you make people miserable. They do what you want to make the misery go away.

DEB: [Appears from nowhere beside Jeff.] We probably should say something. Maybe I can call one of the doctors I work with...

JEFF: [Pats her hand.] They're doing their best. [They smile at each other. House stamps his cane on Jeff's foot.] Ow!

DEB: What the hell?

JEFF: [Still smiling.] I'm sure it was an accident.

HOUSE: [To Cameron.] Is he Canadian?

CAMERON: Uh, he's a low priority...

HOUSE: Is that a yes?

DEB: He's just...

HOUSE: Happy. [Jeff smiles.] I've got to stop this before it spreads. [House whistles. Taub, Kutner, Thirteen and Cameron all look towards House.] You guys are done. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start walking over, Cameron looks annoyed.]

[Cut to House writing on the whiteboard in the diagnostics office. Up the top is a smiley face, then dysgeusia, syncope and in really big letters - NICENESS]

HOUSE: Could be a metabolic disorder, toxic exposure, carcinoma of the tongue metastasized to the brain, Epilepsy, MS…

TAUB: Or it could be the flu, and we should all be back in the ER.

THIRTEEN: [Sarcastically] No, you're ignoring the big symptom. [To House.] What if we're looking at both the flu and decent parenting?

HOUSE: Okay, you two are perfectly healthy. This guy wasn't pandering, he wasn't vanilla nice, he was nice without any aspiration for personal gain. I'm thinking genetic defect.

KUTNER: [Laughs.] Niceness is a defect?

HOUSE: Three cavemen, see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate.

FOREMAN: And how long has the patient been... suffering?

HOUSE: At least as long as his wife has known him, 11 years.

FOREMAN: The chances of him having an undiagnosed pathology for that long...

HOUSE: What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? [Scoffs.] Where do you think we are, 21st Century America?

KUTNER: He's saying that statistics are true too. That the world is a bell curve, most of us fall within the standard deviation, but there are outliers. And if we believe in the existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do... [Pauses and looks at House, who glares back.] Then we also have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme.

FOREMAN: You want it to be a symptom because then we're supposed to be jerks, which means you don't even have to try to be nice.

HOUSE: Okay, maybe I'm biased, let's take a vote. Who thinks that niceness is not a symptom? [Everyone puts up their hand.] And who thinks that their vote counts? [House puts up his hand.] You two [Points to Foreman and Kutner] check out his home for toxins. Taub and Thirty-One...

THIRTEEN: Thirty-One?

HOUSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you. Taub and Thirteen, MRI for tumors and EEG for nerve damage. Test whatever comes out of him for everything else.

[Cut to House bowling with Chase. House bowls his ball at the 3 pins that are left and hits 2 of them.]

CHASE: Too much axis tilt. [House turns back to look at him.] Don't release until your thumb's at the bottom of the ball. [Chase gets ready to bowl, he has a glove on one hand.] I assume Wilson was busy.

HOUSE: Again.

CHASE: [Bowls a strike. Turns around and smiles at House.] No axis tilt. [House pops a pill.] With Amber?

HOUSE: Again. [Washes the pill down with some beer.]

CHASE: Still, it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.

HOUSE: No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice, I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.

CHASE: What's the second thing?

HOUSE: Other hand. [Bowls a gutter ball.]

CHASE: Well if people are incapable of being nice, why bother having the word?

HOUSE: Ah, the ontological proof of niceness. The existence of the word proves the existence of the concept. Look out for those minotaurs on your drive home.

CHASE: I thought motives didn't matter, only results mattered. So what are you going to do to screw up Wilson's relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you bowl?

HOUSE: I wish the best for them and their tragically deformed children. [Bowls his second shot but we don't see the result, House doesn’t look too pleased though]

CHASE: Well, she's good... At being bad. You might not be able to destroy her.

HOUSE: Well as long as I give it my best shot, I can hold my head high.

CHASE: Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She wasn't going to get rid of her and I sure wasn't going to join them, so I just said, see her on Thursday's. I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't want to hang out with her every night anyway.

HOUSE: That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend? [Chase bowls another strike. Turns around and House is gone.]

[Cut to House standing in front of Amber in her apartment. Wilson is at the dining table reading the paper, trying not to get involved.]

HOUSE: Joint custody.

AMBER: Of Wilson?

HOUSE: Unless we have another love child?

AMBER: [Looks at Wilson] Deal with him.

HOUSE: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him, I'm just saying I'm entitled too. [Amber looks at Wilson again.]

WILSON: I don't know how to deal with him when he's being reasonable.

AMBER: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child, you can make your own plans.

WILSON: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation... Swap your lubricant with superglue.

HOUSE: The man knows me.

WILSON: This is his way of accepting us.

HOUSE: It's actually a very touching moment. I'm proposing I get every other day and every other weekend.

AMBER: I have yoga Wednesday's, you can have him then. But you have to have him home by 11. [House looks at Wilson who doesn't look up from his paper.] We can swap weekends.

HOUSE: Mondays and Wednesdays, and midnight.

AMBER: If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep till almost 2:00.

HOUSE: Wilson? Make a ruling.

WILSON: [Laughs.] Uh no. You two are like dogs circling each other in the park. [Looks at Amber.] And I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each other's butts, bare your teeth, and arrive at some strange detente. Otherwise, you'll end up biting each other's eyes out. Again, with all the love in the world.

HOUSE: I'll let you sniff first.

AMBER: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.

HOUSE: Take my deal, or I move in. [Sits down.]

[Cut to Foreman and Kutner going through Jeff's stuff.]

FOREMAN: [Looking at a photo.] This guy worked for habitat for humanity in Costa Rica.

KUTNER: And coaches handicapped kids. You think we should do a workup on the other coaches?

FOREMAN: It is possible he's too perfect.

KUTNER: I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm saying he's trying to be. That's what people do. [Foreman stares at him.] What?

FOREMAN: That's not what people do.

KUTNER: People usually suck, but they want to be good, want to be nice.

FOREMAN: House?

KUTNER: [Shrugs.] Exception that proves the rule.

FOREMAN: What sort of argument is that?

KUTNER: A bad one.

FOREMAN: [Opens up a cupboard.] That might be relevant. [Picks up a bottle.] Hydrofluoric acid. Lowers his calcium, causes the fainting and taste issue.

KUTNER: But not the niceness.

FOREMAN: Wouldn't that be nice?

[Cut to House, Amber and Wilson in Cuddy's office, Wilson is standing at the back eating chips.]

HOUSE: [To Cuddy.] You are King Solomon. If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that.

AMBER: My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the call for himself... [Turns around to Wilson.] And I mean that with all the love in the world.

WILSON: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me. [Motions for Cuddy to make the call.]

CUDDY: [Looks at House and then gets up and takes a file out of the cupboard. Sits back down and starts reading it to House.] Your treatment of patients is reprehensible. [House rolls his eyes.]

WILSON: You're reading his performance review?

CUDDY: [Snaps at him] I'm busy. We have a nurses' strike! [Wilson backs off, Cuddy goes back to reading the review.] Your management of employees borders on abuse.

AMBER: [Turns to Wilson.] Let's go.

WILSON: [Looks disappointed.] No, I... I want to hear it.

CUDDY: You are overtly contemptuous of hospital hierarchy.

HOUSE: And covertly. [Cuddy looks at him.] But I suppose you didn't know about that.

CUDDY: Your attitude towards supervisory personnel is disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are racist or sexist.

HOUSE: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute... Would be an example of that.

CUDDY: Sign this. [Hands file to House.]

KUTNER: [Comes barging in.] House, I got the...

HOUSE: It can wait. [To Cuddy,] I will sign, if you will give us a ruling.

CUDDY: I will give you a ruling, if you do the reviews on your team. [Kutner shuts the door behind him and takes one of Wilson's chips.]

HOUSE: I'd be happy to continue the mockery of this process. [Sign's the review.]

CUDDY: [To Amber.] What'd you offer him?

AMBER: Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends.

CUDDY: [To House.] Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends.

HOUSE: Yes. Wednesday nights are ladies' nights at Cheetah's.

[Cut to House and Kutner walking down the hallway.]

KUTNER: Calcium's normal.

HOUSE: Wow. It really could wait.

KUTNER: Everything's normal.

HOUSE: And you thought it wouldn't be.

KUTNER: He's a carpet cleaner, he's got a home full of hydrofluoric acid.

HOUSE: Doesn't mean his calcium should be low.

KUTNER: Yeah, actually it kinda does, HF causes lower levels of...

HOUSE: LowER, not low.

KUTNER: Lower than normal.

HOUSE: Lower than yesterday. Yesterday might have been high, what's lower than high?

KUTNER: He actually has hypercalcemia, which is being lowered to normal by the HF.

HOUSE: So what gives us elevated calcium, bad taste, and fainting?

KUTNER: I take it you know?

HOUSE: Get the team. This is going to be fun. [House walks off.]

[Cut to House entering Jeff's room followed by Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.]

HOUSE: Hello, again. These people think you are not too nice.

JEFF: Too nice? For what?

HOUSE: For life as we know it to have evolved without an intelligent designer. I'm going to prove them wrong. Your wife... is very ugly.

DEB: [Stands up.] Get out of here.

JEFF: Deb. He's obviously trying to prove a point.

HOUSE: I think I just did. You're either perfect or you're sick. In my experience sick is much more common.

DEB: He's not sick, he's nice.

HOUSE: Nice in the sense that your toaster is nice for making you breakfast. It's the only thing his wiring will let him do. [To Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.] He has William's syndrome. [Back to Deb.] Your husband is missing the genes that make him suspicious.

DEB: You're wrong, he's…

HOUSE: Relax, there's no cure. He's going to go right on tasting lemon meringue pie, fainting, and being a sap.

TAUB: What about the other symptoms?

HOUSE: He has no other symptoms.

TAUB: But William's does.

HOUSE: He's got the teeth, glasses.

TAUB: William's cuts IQ by 20...

HOUSE: He doesn't work in the physics department. Except when they spill a black hole on their carpet.

THIRTEEN: Elfin appearance?

HOUSE: Yeah, he's more legolas than Keebler, but I bet you he can still crack off a batch of Pecan Sandies.

KUTNER: Perfect pitch?

HOUSE: [To Jeff.] You love to karaoke, right?

JEFF: [Laughs.] I suck.

HOUSE: Modest, another symptom...

DEB: No, he really does suck.

HOUSE: Give us a warble. You know any Cher?

JEFF: No, but I know bread. [Looks at Deb, starts to sing, badly.] Baby I'm a want you, baby I'm a need you, you're the only one I care enough to heard about... [Trails off, suddenly he can't seem to form the words anymore.]

DEB: What's the matter?

THIRTEEN: He's stroking. [Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen all rush over, put the bed down, flashlight in the eyes, the usual medical stuff.]

HOUSE: Not a moment too soon.

[Cut to House staring at the whiteboard in the Diagnostics office, which now has a new symptom on it – Stroke.]

TAUB: You were wrong.

HOUSE: Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know?

THIRTEEN: It means the patient gets to keep being nice. Why does that offend you?

HOUSE: It's the way he said it. He wasn't relieved, he was excited. [Very happily.] He was also wrong, and I say that with no sense of pleasure.

KUTNER: Patient tested negative for William's, which means the stroke and everything else wasn't caused by...

HOUSE: You. [Points at Kutner.] Have a friendly demeanor, but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your peers and patients and you complete tasks in a timely manner. [Grabs a piece of paper and puts it in front of Kutner.] Please sign.

FOREMAN: What the hell was that?

HOUSE: I have to give each of you performance reviews. [Kutner looks at the paper, still a little shocked.] Plenty of other conditions can cause debilitating niceness.

FOREMAN: How is that supposed to help him?

HOUSE: I don't know. How's it supposed to help Wilson? [To Kutner.] Cross out Wilson's name and the date, and then fill in your own...

FOREMAN: The point of a review is to give feedback to help...

HOUSE: I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Wouldn't show up on the MRI without contrast. [Looks at Kutner.]

KUTNER: [Looks up from the review he has just been given.] I'll go run the tests. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all leave.]

FOREMAN: He doesn't think it's syphilis, but he's going to go run those tests anyway.

HOUSE: Because he doesn't know. That's why we do tests.

FOREMAN: Because he's a wimp, because he's afraid of you.

HOUSE: You want me to intimidate him into not being afraid? Not sure I know how to do that.

FOREMAN: Reviews make a difference. People have to listen, so they have to learn.

HOUSE: I don't think that the right time to tell the dog not to pee on the rug is semi-annually.

FOREMAN: You don't want to do the paperwork.

HOUSE: I am concerned about the rainforest.

FOREMAN: [Sighs.] I'll do it.

HOUSE: I know. [Walks to his office.]

[Cut to Kutner in Jeff's room.]

JEFF: I don't have syphilis.

KUTNER: You don't know.

JEFF: How many ways are there to get it?

KUTNER: You can know who you had sex with. You can't know who she...

JEFF: I do.

KUTNER: Not for sure.

JEFF: It's a waste of time. I had a stroke, you can't keep wasting time. We were tested for the Peace Corps.

KUTNER: Ten years ago. You haven't been with your wife every minute of every day.

JEFF: You think I'm naive, don't you?

KUTNER: I think you're... Yeah.

JEFF: I know my wife.

KUTNER: She's not perfect.

JEFF: [Laughs.] I'm not perfect. But she loves me, and she's always loved me. Every minute, every day.

[Cut to House playing the piano in his apartment. There's a knock on his door.]

HOUSE: [Gets up to open the door.] You're 15 minutes late! [House opens the door and its some Guy in a suit standing there.]

GUY: Have you heard the good news?

HOUSE: [Looks confused.] Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the spectrum?

GUY: [Holds up a book.] Happiness is possible. [Amber and Wilson arrive.] And not just in this life, but in the next...

HOUSE: Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some Islam yesterday. [Lets Amber and Wilson in.]

GUY: Well, it's where your light shows signs before mending... [House shuts the door in his face.] Have a good evening.

HOUSE: You're late.

AMBER: 15 minutes.

HOUSE: 16 minutes, MY 16 minutes.

AMBER: So keep him an extra 16 minutes.

HOUSE: [To Wilson.] You hear that? She doesn't care.

AMBER: You're going mini golfing, what's it matter? You got a tee off time?

HOUSE: It matters because you don't get to decide what matters.

WILSON: It was my fault, I had to take a shower.

AMBER: Which was my fault.

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] I had to take a dump. Anything else I don't need to know before you leave? [Opens the door.]

AMBER: [Kisses Wilson good bye.] Have fun on your play date. [As she's leaving.] You've got mummy's numbers, right?

HOUSE: [Shuts the door and looks at Wilson.] Daddy needs a drink. [Walks off to get one, Wilson laughs.]

[Cut to Foreman in House's office sitting in House's chair. Thirteen walks in.]

THIRTEEN: I was thinking, if we discount the niceness issue...

FOREMAN: Sit down.

THIRTEEN: [Sits down.] I think it's a heart defect.

FOREMAN: Nothing on the echo.

THIRTEEN: Could be a Patent Foramen Ovale. It explains the stroke, and the syncope, and a PFO wouldn't show up on a routine echo. I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Gets up to leave.]

FOREMAN: You got a minute first?

THIRTEEN: [Sits back down.] Sure.

FOREMAN: I think you've shown remarkable strength in a difficult situation. [Opens a file.]

THIRTEEN: Are you giving me a performance review?

FOREMAN: A good one.

THIRTEEN: I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Starts to leave as Kutner walks in but stays to hear what he has to say.]

KUTNER: There was enough blood left over from his admission work up to run the VDRL.

FOREMAN: You doubted your patient.

KUTNER: No, what I thought didn't matter. House said he wouldn't let us go on until we ruled out neurosyphilis.

FOREMAN: It's not neurosyphilis, it's a PFO.

KUTNER: It's neurosyphilis. The tests were positive.

[Cut to Taub pretending to read a paper while talking to Thirteen at the nurses station.]

TAUB: It's always the same conversation. They tell you, you must be mistaken, which is why I always run the tests twice, and then they blame the other guy. Which makes sense if they're innocent, but obviously, half of them aren't. They don't seem to get that they're busted. Scientifically proven.

THIRTEEN: Unless your spouse cheated too.

TAUB: Exactly. That's what you're praying for in that moment. That she cheated too. And then if she doesn't kill you, you know that she did, you know she betrayed you. And then, you realise that that sucks worse.

[Cut to Kutner giving the news to Jeff.]

JEFF: The test must be wrong.

KUTNER: I ran it twice.

JEFF: Not that test, the one I took ten years ago. [Looks at Deb, then back at Kutner.] What other explanation is there?

[Kutner leaves the room and motions for Deb to follow. She does so.]

DEB: He really sees no other possibility.

KUTNER: Did you have an affair?

DEB: No.

KUTNER: Then why aren't you angry with him?

DEB: You ever know anybody who's just too nice?

KUTNER: No.

DEB: It's annoying. Then you realise it's annoying because they remind you of what you are not. That you'll never be as good as they are. And then you think, why can't I? And before you know it, that naive idiot you laughed at has made you a better person. [Holding back tears.] You really think I've been in love all these years with a symptom?

KUTNER: If syphilis caused lesions in his brain, and the lesions caused personality changes, you may notice a change in him as his condition improves.

DEB: I know my husband. He's not going to change.

KUTNER: You should get yourself tested. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Kutner, Taub and Foreman in the cafeteria.]

KUTNER: So much for the bell curve. How can House be an ass without it being an illness, but niceness is a biological crime?

TAUB: You got five bucks?

KUTNER: Uh, yeah. [Hands him five bucks.]

TAUB: [Putting it in his pocket.] Niceness just cost you five bucks. Being an ass generally turns a profit.

FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Kutner, could you excuse us? I need to do Taub's review.

TAUB: You can stay.

FOREMAN: I think it would be better if this was done privately.

TAUB: This isn't going to be done.

FOREMAN: What is it with you guys? I've given you advice before.

TAUB: Not as our boss.

FOREMAN: What's the difference? Advice is advice.

TAUB: Fair enough, I'll go first. [Clears his throat, pretends to read off a sheet of paper.] You demonstrate a great air of confidence, which is really pissing me off.

FOREMAN: House authorized me...

TAUB: How long have you known him? He's using you.

FOREMAN: I volunteered because I knew he wouldn't...

TAUB: He could care less about the paperwork. He's using you to screw with you. He knows it'll annoy us, we'll stand up to you, which will force you to confront the fact that even though you think you're our superior, you're no different from us. He gave you authority to keep you in your place.

KUTNER: It's true.

FOREMAN: Thanks.

KUTNER: Not him, what'd he say?

TAUB: Nothing, what's true?

KUTNER: If there's something wrong with this guy, it means there's something wrong with House. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House and Wilson at a bar. Wilson has barely finished the drink he is drinking when House gets another put in front of him. Meanwhile House is drinking coffee.]

WILSON: [Slurring somewhat.] Are you trying to get me drunk? [House smiles, Wilson laughs.] What time is it?

HOUSE: 10:30.

WILSON: Ooh... She'll kill you.

HOUSE: I'll get you home before lights out. [Pushes the drink closer to Wilson who takes it.]

WILSON: Great, then she'll kill me. If I get, if I get any more drunk, then I'm... It... Might not work. If you, uh, know what I mean.

HOUSE: Really? You'd think that one or more of your ex wives would have mentioned that to me.

WILSON: [Shocked.] They told you? Wait, why do you want to get Amber angry?

HOUSE: Because I'm your friend.

WILSON: No, no, no. You said you approved, you said you were taking the high road. For how long, the first exit? [House's phone rings.]

HOUSE: [Answers.] Hello, and thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death. [Gets up and walks away from Wilson.]

THIRTEEN: Patient's vomiting blood.

[On the other end of the phone we see Taub, Kutner and Thirteen in the Diagnostic's office. Taub starts writing the new symptom on the whiteboard.]

TAUB: Hematemesis could indicate...

HOUSE: Don't put it on the board. [Taub stops writing.]

TAUB: You don't think it's a symptom?

HOUSE: I think it's my marker. [Taub rubs what he had written off the board.] He has syph, and what?

TAUB: And syph, it can cause hematemesis.

HOUSE: Not everyone agrees.

TAUB: [Looks surprised.] How... How could you...

HOUSE: If you all thought it was syph, you wouldn't have woken me up in the middle of the night.

THIRTEEN: If it was just syph, he wouldn't be getting worse, he's already on penicillin.

KUTNER: The bleeding's probably from liver damage, probably caused by ethanol in the cleansers or the penicillin.

HOUSE: Two more probablys than I like to hear.

THIRTEEN: Liver tests and serologies are going to take a full day.

HOUSE: Full night, actually. Guy might not make it to brunch. [House hangs up the phone and walks back over to Wilson.] Yes, I knew about your issue with alcohol. Yes, I intentionally got you drunk to provoke an argument between you and Amber. Why I would do such a thing is an interesting question. What's more interesting is that you knew as much as I did and you're the one who's pouring down the drinks. Why?

WILSON: Because I thought I was out having fun with a friend. I didn't know the drinks had subtext. I got to get home. [Puts some money on the bar and leaves.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner and Thirteen in the lab.]

THIRTEEN: GGT's normal, rules out alcohol.

TAUB: How about serum protein?

KUTNER: It's positive.

TAUB: Kind of assumed he HAD protein. It's how much protein he has we care about.

KUTNER: It's positive for syphilis.

TAUB: [Sighs.] You mind if I give you a performance review?

KUTNER: Not the patient. House. He has syphilis.

[Cut to House watching a soap in his office. It's the next day.]

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: What happened?

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Every time I searched my soul... I found Anna.

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: Are you going to tell Marie?

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: I have to.

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: It will destroy her. [Foreman, Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all walk into the office.]

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Could it be any worse on her than loving somebody who can't love them back?

HOUSE: [Looks at them.] Yes?

KUTNER: You might want to turn off the TV.

HOUSE: I'm multi-tasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy. What'd you find out?

TAUB: The patient has hepatitis. [Kutner, Thirteen and Foreman stare at him.]

HOUSE: I assume from your omission of the word 'viral' before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure becomes liver failed.

[Taub nods and starts to walk away but Thirteen stops him.]

THIRTEEN: [To Taub.] We're all doing this.

HOUSE: There's more?

FOREMAN: You have syphilis. [House looks surprised.]

HOUSE: [Turns off the TV and turns to face them.] No, I don't.

KUTNER: One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab...

HOUSE: Which one of you?

FOREMAN: It's treatable.

THIRTEEN: We filled a prescription. [Puts a bottle of pills on Houses desk. House just stares at them.]

KUTNER: You okay? [House doesn't say anything, just kind of nods, they all leave.]

[aerial shot of PPTH.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and Cameron all sitting outside looking shocked.]

CAMERON: So this is why he is who he is?

TAUB: We don't know.

FOREMAN: We know. It's not just a coincidence.

THIRTEEN: Wilson says he's always been a jerk.

TAUB: But he got worse.

CAMERON: After his leg.

FOREMAN: The leg was a coincidence.

CHASE: [To Cameron.] Did you sleep with him? [Cameron just stares back at Chase and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds.]

THIRTEEN: So what's going to happen? What's going to change?

KUTNER: Maybe he'll be less of a jerk.

CAMERON: Or less of a doctor.

KUTNER: You got to be a jerk to be a good doctor?

CAMERON: I don't know, maybe House does.

CHASE: [To Cameron.] Why aren't you answering me?

CAMERON: Because it's none of their business. It's none of your business.

CHASE: I think the STD makes it my business.

CAMERON: Humans are complicated.

FOREMAN: Humans are simple.

CAMERON: A million different things make us who we are, you change one, you change everything. If Mozart was better adjusted, decides to play catch one day, maybe there's no magic flute.

CHASE: You did, didn't you?

[Cut to House walking into Wilson's office.]

HOUSE: There's something I need to tell you.

AMBER: You returned him drunk. [House turns around startled and sees Amber sitting on a chair behind him.]

HOUSE: On time.

AMBER: Drunk.

HOUSE: On time. No tag backs.

AMBER: The purpose of the time was to give me time.

HOUSE: So you didn't have sex?

AMBER: I like sex.

HOUSE: Well you can have it tonight. The L Word is on.

AMBER: You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're genuinely afraid I'm going to make him miserable, or you're afraid I'm going to make him happy, or you simply can't stop screwing with anything that moves. It doesn't really matter, because whatever the reason, you'll only get worse. Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. [Stands up.] What do you think I'm going to choose?

HOUSE: If you terminate the agreement, it's not going to bring peace in the mideast.

AMBER: I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses.

HOUSE: Fine. Whoever violates it gets their finger cut off.

AMBER: I'm serious.

HOUSE: So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.

AMBER: I'm not cutting...

HOUSE: We'll figure it out. On your time. [House opens the door. Amber sighs, kisses Wilson goodbye and leaves. House shuts the door again and turns back to Wilson.] You know she's certifiable right? I've got the forms in my desk.

WILSON: Where is she wrong? [House hangs he's head.] What were you going to tell me?

HOUSE: Nothing.

WILSON: You're punishing me?

HOUSE: I needed to tell you something... privately.

WILSON: I'm not going to tell her.

HOUSE: You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend, you should tell her.

WILSON: You're my friend.

HOUSE: It's not the same. [Opens the door and starts to leave.]

WILSON: Don't sulk.

HOUSE: Where am I wrong? [Shuts the door behind himself.]

[Cut to House sitting in his office staring out the window while Foreman gives him a performance review.]

FOREMAN: Your management style is counterproductive. You gave me authority over the team, just so they could undercut...

HOUSE: Critiquing the clap addled? That's sort of tasteless.

FOREMAN: I didn't feel like waiting until your genitals cleared up. You need to formalise my authority over the team.

HOUSE: No, I don't.

FOREMAN: You don't think I'm qualified?

HOUSE: Compared to those three?

FOREMAN: You want to punish Cuddy for hiring me without...

HOUSE: I like Cuddy. I like parts of her.

FOREMAN: You want to crush the team by crushing me?

HOUSE: I want to empower them. Those three idiots need to respect you. They should respect you, they should be afraid of you, so I have to humiliate you, because if the team fears you, they won't question you. If they don't question you, they won't get any answers, if they don't get any answers, they're useless.

FOREMAN: Mocking me saves lives?

HOUSE: The hospital will probably build you a statue one day. You know, with a 'kick me' sign on the back. So when you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I have respect for you.

FOREMAN: Or you made up that BS because you like humiliating me.

HOUSE: Wouldn't rule that out completely.

[Taub appears at the door.]

TAUB: You busy?

HOUSE: Almost done. [To Foreman.] Uh, so just remember, the rabbit goes around the tree and jumps down the hole. [Ties his shoelaces up.]

TAUB: Negative for sarcoidosis.

HOUSE: Run him for everything you can think of. Lepto, schisto, hemo, and the fourth Marx brother nobody ever heard of.

[Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room with lunch.]

JEFF: You bitch!

DEB: [Startled.] I just went to get us some lunch, you were asleep.

JEFF: [Still angry.] You moved my book.

DEB: Jeff, calm down. It's just the drugs.

JEFF: The drugs didn't move my book... [Clutches his chest.]

DEB: Jeff? [Runs over and starts performing CPR. Yells out to no one in particular.] My husband's having a heart attack. Can somebody help me please? [No one responds so she yells louder.] Somebody help me, please! [Eventually Taub notices and goes running in to help.]

[Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics office.]

KUTNER: She saved his life.

HOUSE: Or she scabbed. Depends on your point of view. So what do we think? New symptom? Or just a wife beater? [To Kutner] Hey, time for you to take this baby for a spin. [Throws the whiteboard marker to him, Kutner gets up looking pleased with himself. House takes his seat and moves it closer to Thirteen.]

KUTNER: [Starts writing on the board.] We, uh, loaded him full of prednisone to try to fix the liver.

HOUSE: Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail.

KUTNER: Prednisone could cause Roid rage, which could cause hypertension, which results...

TAUB: Roid rage after six hours?

HOUSE: At that rate, by sundown, he'll have eaten most of us.

TAUB: [Half laughs.] Uh, it still could be penicillin, allergic reaction.

THIRTEEN: How does a fried liver put him into a rage?

TAUB: It's not frying his liver, it's frying his syphilis. The penicillin's working, the real patient is emerging.

HOUSE: So... syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm going to be even more attractive to the ladies.

THIRTEEN: I was going to test for a heart issue before the syphilis. PFO could explain the heart attack and reduced blood flow to the brain could explain the rage.

HOUSE: Well, they're all good ideas. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Okay, let's take a vote. How many think it's the roids talking? [Taub sticks up his hand.] And who's for the penicillin? [Kutner] And how about whatever she said? [Thirteen. House looks at Foreman.] Someone hasn't raised their hand.

FOREMAN: [Suspicious.] Whatever I decide? [House nods.] You're setting me up.

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Why would I do that?

FOREMAN: [Shrugs.] PFO.

HOUSE: The PFO's have it. [Everyone gives House a weird look.] I just hope the bubble test is positive or it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. [Everyone stares at House for a few more seconds before leaving.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and Cameron all in the Doctors lounge.]

KUTNER: We gave Van Gogh chelation therapy. Turned him into a house painter.

TAUB: Maybe not, maybe we just put Hitler on Ritalin.

CAMERON: Are you comparing House to Hitler?

CHASE: Oh god.

CAMERON: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.

FOREMAN: Maybe Taub is right, maybe this is good.

THIRTEEN: This is not good.

FOREMAN: Well, he respected our opinions, he mocked himself, he was civil, he shared.

THIRTEEN: He didn't care.

FOREMAN: He never cares.

THIRTEEN: He didn't vote. He always cared about one thing, solving the puzzle but he was irrelevant to that diagnosis. He had no opinion of his own. He now cares about nothing.

CHASE: You had no choice, you had to treat him. What's done is done. [Leaves.]

[aerial shot of PPTH, dusk.]

[Cut to House walking up to Wilson at the nurses station.]

HOUSE: You know that thing I was going to tell you, I've got to tell you. I've got to tell someone. You have to swear not to tell CB.

WILSON: [Shrugs.] Whatever.

HOUSE: Well, that's not swearing, that's shrugging. It's actually the opposite of swearing.

WILSON: I won't tell Amber.

HOUSE: My team thinks that I have syphilis.

WILSON: [Surprised.] Do you?

HOUSE: Not yet.

WILSON: Why do they think you do?

HOUSE: Because I knew that they had access to an old blood sample, and I knew they'd test it sometime for something.

WILSON: Why would you swap your blood? What are you afraid they'll find?

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] Shut up, you're missing the point. Now, they think that I'm on penicillin.

WILSON: [Looks confused.] Is this some clever practical joke that I'm not aware of?

HOUSE: And as I get better, I get nicer.

WILSON: [Suddenly getting it, laughs.] That's brilliant. [House smiles.]

HOUSE: Foreman thinks I actually value his opinion. [Wilson laughs more.] Thank god he said PFO, or I'd have had to do some dancing. You got time for bowling? [Wilson doesn't say anything.] Come on, it's work hours.

WILSON: I'll get my shoes. [Turns to walk away but stops.] So we don't need to talk about...

HOUSE: No.

WILSON: So you're going to keep screwing...

HOUSE: Yeah, and you're going to keep talking about it. We are who we are.

WILSON: [Sighs.] I'll get my shoes.

[Cut to Kutner and Taub doing an ultrasound on Jeff.]

KUTNER: Okay, got a good view of the heart.

TAUB: What if we lower House's dosage? Maybe stabilise him, he doesn't get worse, he doesn't get better.

KUTNER: Quite the line to walk, if we're wrong he dies of neurosyphilis.

TAUB: If we don't, other people die.

KUTNER: Other people who aren't our boss.

TAUB: People.

KUTNER: This sucks, the guy had a gift. I'd kill... [Amber walks in.] Hi, what...

AMBER: House doesn't have syphilis, he switched the blood samples.

TAUB: How do you know that?

AMBER: House told Wilson, I wanted to ruin House's day. See ya. [Leaves.]

TAUB: We're idiots.

KUTNER: We're not idiots, positive blood test means positive blood test.

TAUB: Apparently not. [Looks at the screen.] There they are, let's see if they... [Kutner walks off.] Uh, what are you doing? We're not done.

KUTNER: He doesn't have syphilis. [Continues leaving.]

TAUB: [To himself.] I know.

[Cut to Kutner and House in the hallway.]

KUTNER: Patient tested positive for syphilis, right?

HOUSE: Is this some sort of recap?

KUTNER: But why did he test positive for syphilis?

HOUSE: Oh! Uh... I know this.

KUTNER: Either one, he has syphilis...

HOUSE: I was going to say that.

KUTNER: Or two, the test was wrong twice, or three, he gave us someone else's blood. [House stops.]

HOUSE: Who?

KUTNER: [Smiling.] Amber.

HOUSE: Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I've got to go on a killing spree.

KUTNER: Or, four, he has something that tests positive for syphilis.

HOUSE: [Sighs.] It's not chagas.

KUTNER: He worked in Costa Rica before he was married.

HOUSE: Is two a spree, or do I have to kill you too? Chagas wouldn't explain the niceness.

KUTNER: I've heard of remote tribes that actually practice acts of kindness, or the chagas caused encephalitis.

HOUSE: The MRI showed no signs...

KUTNER: Until we started him on steroids, compromised the immune system and let the infection flare up. I did another one. [Shows House.] It's not much.

HOUSE: [Looks at it.] It's plenty. You figured this out because I don't have syphilis? [Kutner shrugs.] Damn. That should have been my epiphany.

[Cut to House and Kutner walking into Jeff's room.]

HOUSE: Good news, bad news. Good news is we know what you have, it's treatable, you're going to live. [Both Deb and Jeff smile.]

JEFF: Really?

DEB: What's the bad news?

HOUSE: The cure is a grueling course of pills. It's like one a day for a month.

JEFF: Now you're just trying to make me laugh.

HOUSE: Yeah, like that's a challenge.

KUTNER: You have chagas disease. It's a parasite, it's been asymptomatic for ten years.

HOUSE: Well not quite. Your brain's been swollen, not enough to see but enough to alter your personality.

DEB: Now we're back to that.

HOUSE: He screamed at you, you don't think he can change?

DEB: That was because of the drugs.

HOUSE: So you think drugs are more powerful than parasites? [Realises that's exactly what they are about to give him.] I mean... The ones we're going to give you to treat the parasites obviously are but... I stand by the principle.

DEB: [Looks at Jeff then back at House.] I'm not worried.

KUTNER: [Smiles.] Neither am I.

HOUSE: [Shrugs.] Neither am I, but that's because I don't care.

[Cut to House walking into Cuddy'd office. He hands her a file.]

CUDDY: [Opening it.] Reviews?

HOUSE: It was brought to my attention that on occasion, I am not respectful of hospital hierarchy. [Sticks a lollypop in his mouth.]

CUDDY: The word was "contemptuous." [Reads over the first review.] Well phrased, thoughtful. [Flips to next page.] Identically phrased. [Keeps flicking through.] These are all the same.

HOUSE: Because, underneath it all, we are all the same. And Foreman refused to type his up.

CUDDY: [Puts the file down.] Well, it's more than I expected.

HOUSE: There's an extra one in there.

CUDDY: [Picks it up again and finds the extra one, starts to read it.] Your treatment of patients is non-existent because you're not a doctor, you're an administrator.

HOUSE: Foreman convinced me that these can be helpful.

CUDDY: [Continues reading.] Your management of employees is, well, let's face it, they're outside carrying signs. [Stops reading and puts it down.] The strike ended, the nurses have been back for two shifts already.

HOUSE: You'd think I'd have noticed. What exactly did they do around here? [House picks up the review and continues from where Cuddy left off.] You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us... [Looks up at Cuddy.] Actually your eyes tell us nothing because we're looking at your boobs. [Goes back to reading.] Which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't have a clue. What you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. [Hands it to her.] Please sign.

CUDDY: [Smiles.] I got a call from Amber today. Says there's been a violation of your contract. You've been seeing Wilson on her time.

HOUSE: She breached confidentiality. You can let it slide, officer. We're even.

CUDDY: Yes, you are. You're both losing fingers.

[Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room, Jeff is sitting up and eating and looking much better.]

DEB: Look what I found. [Shows him a small jar of ketchup.]

JEFF: Nice.

DEB: They think you might be able to come home tomorrow.

JEFF: Oh, yeah? That's good. [Takes a bite of food and makes a weird face.]

DEB: What's the matter?

JEFF: The ketchup. There's something wrong with that.

DEB: [Dips her finger in it and tastes it.] Tastes fine. Is anything else?

JEFF: Everything else is great. I just... I don't know. I guess I don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like. [Deb looks worried while Jeff continues to eat.]

[Cut to House and Amber changing a patient's sheets.]

HOUSE: Roll over. [Patient rolls over with some help from Amber.]

AMBER: We need a tougher punishment.

HOUSE: Want to come over to the poopy side? Where are you two going Friday night?

AMBER: Dinner at L'auberge.

HOUSE: [Stares at her.] You're lying.

AMBER: [Smiles.] Of course I am.

[Camera pans out and we see Wilson watching through the window. He smiles to himself.]

[End.]
Tags: season 4
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