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House MD - 4.11 Frozen

Originally Aired: Feb 3 2008

Written by: Liz Friedman
Directed by: David Straiton

Transcribed by: Coby ((cobbly)

Beta'ed by: TD (topaz_eyes)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[South Pole. Snow storm. A guy, Sean, is fixing one of several windmills. His job seemingly done he starts to walk away but turns back as he hears it creaking loudly. One of the propellers of the windmill breaks off and shoots off towards Sean. He can't get out of the way in time and it hits him and cuts his leg open. He falls to the ground screaming as blood is shooting from his leg. He manages to get out his walkie talkie.]

SEAN: Doc, help, doc! [A woman comes running up to him.] It stopped bleeding. It stopped bleeding.

CATE: That's because your blood's freezing as it's hitting the air. [Pulls out a bandage and puts it on his leg.] Here, apply pressure on it.

SEAN: I think my leg is frozen.

CATE: That's the least of your problems. [Ties a tourniquet around his leg.] The blade severed your femoral artery. [Manages to help him to shelter.]

SEAN: Am I gonna lose my leg?

CATE: Frostbite's not too bad but I gotta fix your artery now. This is gonna hurt. [Squirts some sort of liquid onto the wound. Sean screams. Pulls out a bottle of glue.]

SEAN: You're gonna put that in me?

CATE: Glue's the best way to repair your artery at this temperature. [Squirts some in and holds it in place.] It looks okay. [Hands Sean a roll of duct tape.] Here, tear off some pieces. I have to check your foot. [As Sean tapes his own leg up Cate pulls off his shoe and sock and squeezes his big toe.] Blood flow looks good. Your leg should be okay.

SEAN: I thought I was done.

CATE: Yeah, like I'd let anything happen to you. You're the only one who can fix the generators. One... two... three. [Tries to help Sean up but falls over and screams.]

SEAN: Cate, Cate, are you okay? Are you okay? [Cate clutches her side, rolls over and vomits some yellow stuff.]

CATE: I... I... I need help.

SEAN: Who am I supposed to get?

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House in Coma Guy's room, fiddling with the TV. Cuddy walks in.]

CUDDY: Why do I even give you an office? New case. Psych department asked for you personally.

HOUSE: Patient's a crazy person?

CUDDY: You're a crazy person. Patient's a psychiatrist.

HOUSE: [Still fiddling with the TV] There's something wrong with coma guy's cable.

CUDDY: He seems fine with it. Your patient is an adjunct faculty member here but currently... [House whacks the side of the TV.] The budget committee voted to charge for cable in the patient rooms.

HOUSE: Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages.

CUDDY: Talk to Carlson in Derm, he runs the budget committee... After you look at this. [Hands him the file.]

HOUSE: After you talk to Carlson, maybe I'll...

CUDDY: The patient is trapped at the South Pole. [House takes the file and Cuddy leaves.]

[Cut to Diagnostics office.]

13: Any possibility of evacuating her?

HOUSE: Well that wouldn't be any fun. And for the next two months, winds make it impossible to fly anything in or out.

13: Could be appendicitis or a gallstone.

KUTNER: Or a kidney stone.

HOUSE: That wouldn't be any fun. If it's appendicitis down there, her appendix ruptures, she dies, there's nothing we can do. If it's stones, she takes pain meds, the stone passes, there's nothing we need to do.

KUTNER: Could be a struvite kidney stone.

FOREMAN: Most kidney stones are calcium and benign. Why would you suspect a struvite stone?

KUTNER: Cause he said kidney stones were boring.

TAUB: It's possible. She's on birth control. Lots of sex could lead to urinary tract infection, which could lead to an infection-laced struvite kidney stone.

HOUSE: Excessive Antarctic drilling. Bad for the environment and the ladies.

13: If it's a struvite stone she needs to break it up quickly before the infection shuts down her kidneys.

HOUSE: This is where it gets fun. [Dumps a box of stuff on the table.] These are the supplies and medications she has available.

TAUB: [Looking through the stuff.] Nothing here that could break up a kidney stone.

KUTNER: What else do they have down there?

HOUSE: I just said...

KUTNER: I don't mean medical stuff, other stuff. Some geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we break kidney stones. [Everyone stares at him.] Discovery channel. I like watching them blow stuff up.

HOUSE: Who doesn't? That reminds me. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House following Cameron down a hallway.]

HOUSE: Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiards is the only thing that's keeping him alive.

CAMERON: I'm sure Carlson will be moved by HIS plight.

HOUSE: Carlson won't listen to me since I hit on his wife.

CAMERON: [Smiles.] You knew? [Starts reading a file.]

HOUSE: God no. I thought I was hitting on his daughter. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] Look, you're on the committee. He'll listen to you. [Cameron looks surprised.] I'm an avid reader of committees with hotties message boards.

CAMERON: [Walks over to a patients bed and hands the file to a nurse.] Amoxicillin, 500 milligrams IV. [Moves onto another patient and picks up the chart.]

HOUSE: [Following her.] Studies conducted in major hospitals indicate that happy patients recover faster. Studies conducted in my apartment show that TV makes people happy. Premium channels have a particularly striking effect.

CAMERON: Charging patients for cable is bringing in 13 grand a month.

HOUSE: Until this injustice is righted, I am going to waste 13 grand a day. [Tips out a box of tongue depressors onto the floor. Cameron just looks at him.] It's 2 dollars 49 cents down.

CAMERON: [Hands the chart to a nurse.] Get an EKG and a cardiac enzyme. If those check out, discharge him and tell him to get a snow blower.

HOUSE: [Pulls out rubber gloves one at a time from a box and throws them on the ground.] How much is 13 grand divided by 4 cents?

CAMERON: [Takes the box off him.] I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone.

HOUSE: I'll be fine on Tuesdays. [Cameron pulls the curtain in front of him.]

[Cut to the Diagnostics office.]

KUTNER: If sound waves from the flaw detector break the egg it should safely dissolve your kidney stone.

[The fellows are all staring at a big TV showing Cate and Sean (who is on crutches) thanks to a web cam.]

CATE: This isn't going to work. [Walks over towards the camera.]

KUTNER: There's no reason it shouldn't. Sound waves are sound waves. Stones are stones.

CATE: Some are bigger than others. Some are inside me.

[House walks in.]

HOUSE: How's it going, team MacGyver? [Sees the screen.] Oh, great. I can't get cable, but I can get the South Pole on hi-def.

KUTNER: We're almost ready to start the test.

HOUSE: Test? Did Ford test the Edsel? Did Coke test New Coke? Did Shakespeare test his final play, Snow Dogs?

CATE: I'm guessing you're Dr House? I was wondering when you might drop by.

HOUSE: Can she see me?

CATE: Oh yeah.

HOUSE: Think Jagger shows up for the sound check? [Cate walks away from the camera.] Okay. Roadies, off the stage. Go help Cameron in the ER.

TAUB: Why? No way you're just doing her a favour.

HOUSE: ER is standing room only. Which means Cameron's bound to make a mistake. Find it so I can blackmail her. As far as you know, this is way more than just some silly battle over cable. [New fellows leave, Foreman sits down.]

CATE: Ready. [Cate starts the test which is an egg in a jar of water. They watch as the egg cracks open. Then the jar explodes.]

HOUSE: You, you might want to just, dial it down a smidge.

CATE: I am not doing this. [Sits down in front of the camera.] Your kidney stone theory hinges on me having sex, but I...

HOUSE: Let me guess. You're as pure as the driven snow.

CATE: Only if the snow likes to be on top. But I am here doing psychological research, generally not a good idea to swap fluids with your subjects.

HOUSE: Struvite stones are possible in people who don't have sex. They're certainly possible in people who claim not to have...

CATE: I've had no UTIs. No pain on urination.

HOUSE: You do realise that only one of us is a real doctor?

CATE: You do realise that only one of us has any control over my actions?

FOREMAN: Dr. Milton, are you able to run a chem 7?

CATE: Yes.

FOREMAN: That'll tell us if her kidney function's declining. If it is, he's right. Struvite stone's most likely explanation. If not, she's right. [Foreman looks at House who just stares at him.] Sorry, I know how you like to avoid avoiding confrontation.

HOUSE: While we're waiting for that test to prove me right, start IV cefuroxime. Keep the infection in the stone from wiping out your kidneys.

CATE: I'll send the chem 7 results when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.]

HOUSE: She's a great psychiatrist. One session, I've got shrinkage.

[Cut to new fellows talking to Cameron in ER]

13: House wants us to spy on you, report back.

CAMERON: And you're telling me this because...

KUTNER: We don't want to do it.

CAMERON: I don't see a problem so far.

TAUB: If our choice is between pissing House off or pissing you off, that's not much of a choice.

CAMERON: So unless I give House cable, you're going to make my life miserable.

13: Yes.

CAMERON: And you're telling me this so you won't feel as guilty when you do it.

TAUB: Yes.

CAMERON: Accommodating House's every whim is not my job anymore.

TAUB: But it is ours.

KUTNER: House will get what he wants. [Cameron laughs and walks away.]

TAUB: Maybe we should just pay for it ourselves and tell him she folded. [They all start to leave]

CAMERON: [Overhearing them.] No. [They stop and look back.]

[Cut to Diagnostics office with House and Foreman talking to Cate on the big screen.]

HOUSE: Your chem 7 results show that your kidney function is declining. Sounds like a kidney stone to me.

CATE: The decreased function could be from dehydration caused by vomiting due to a gallstone.

HOUSE: You agreed that the chem 7 would decide if it was a struvite stone.

CATE: I agreed to do the test. The results are up for interpretation. I'll redo the test in an hour when I'm re-hydrated. [Takes a drink from a bottle using her left hand.]

FOREMAN: Have you noticed any improvement since starting the cefuroxime?

CATE: Not really. The pain's about the same.

FOREMAN: While you're waiting, we should run another test with the geology equipment...

HOUSE: You're not taking the cefuroxime. She's right handed. Means she would've put the IV in her left arm. Catheter in the arm makes it hard to bend the elbow the way people do when they drink!

CATE: We have a limited supply of medication and I'm not about to waste it.

HOUSE: Last I checked, you had a limited supply of doctors.

CATE: Right before I got sick, one of my crew members severed his femoral artery. He needs the cefuroxime. [Starts breathing heavily.]

HOUSE: Right, he called dibs.

CATE: His need is definitive. Mine is speculative.

HOUSE: You're breathing fast.

CATE: It's because I'm pissed off!

HOUSE: Lift up your chin. Show me your windpipe. [She does so, both Foreman and House move closer to the screen for a better look.]

CATE: Ah! My chest hurts.

FOREMAN: It's deviating to the left.

HOUSE: Means her right lung is collapsing.

FOREMAN: Cate Is anyone there with you?

CATE: Sean went to the mess.

FOREMAN: You need to call someone.

HOUSE: There's no time. Get a syringe and a needle.

CATE: Why am I doing…

HOUSE: Shut up and look. [Cate does as she's told.]

FOREMAN: She could pass out. She needs...

HOUSE: She needs to re-inflate that lung. [Cate finds a needle.] Okay, now pull out that plunger. I want you to stab yourself in your right side between the second and third rib in the midclavicular line. [Cate pulls out the plunger but hesitates.] By the time we get someone else there, you'll have suffocated. Just do it. [Cate stabs her chest. We see the lung expanding and hear air being released from the needle. Cate starts to breathe easier.] See all the good stuff that happens when you listen to me?

CATE: Means it's not a kidney stone.

[Cut to a view of Cate in a bed breathing with the help of an oxygen mask. House and Foreman are still in the diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Right side pain, vomiting, and now a lung that gets traumatised without any trauma. Sounds odd, probably is odd.

FOREMAN: We should discuss this, then call her back.

HOUSE: No it's fine. I made sure we got the South Pole long distance plan. Your latest kidney function test shows...

CATE: I know what it shows, I ran it.

HOUSE: The more you interrupt, the longer my grandstanding is going to take.

FOREMAN: Since when do you let patients participate in differentials?

HOUSE: Since the patient and her doctor happen to be the same person. Your kidney function is still declining, means you have a kidney problem.

CATE: But not one that needed antibiotics. Makes us equally wrong.

HOUSE: No, makes us both wrong. Not equally. You were at least six wronger.

HOUSE: They run a PPD before you shipped out?

CATE: On me and everybody else here, it's not TB.

FOREMAN: Excuse us a second. [Mutes the microphone.] Cancer explains the symptoms. A tumour in her lung or kidney that threw a clot to the other organ.

HOUSE: And you're worried the tumour might overhear, realise we're on to it.

FOREMAN: Cancer's a hard diagnosis for patients even when they're not in the South Pole. We should figure this out, maybe bring Wilson in.

[House un-mutes.]

CATE: Obviously you two think I'm in bad shape.

HOUSE: Only if you count the tumour.

FOREMAN: House!

HOUSE: Probably in your abdomen. But you don't have any advanced imaging equipment. You also don't have a surgeon to biopsy it, any stains to use on the slide, or an oncologist to analyse it. [Foreman gives him a look.] We're too far away to hold her hand.

CATE: I have cancer?

FOREMAN: Possibly.

HOUSE: Since the only imaging equipment you have is X-ray, let's start there. X-ray your entire body.

CATE: I'll upload the images when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.]

HOUSE: Good for you.

[We see a montage of Cate taking her own X-rays]

[Cut to House and Wilson in radiology looking at the images.]

HOUSE: She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics because other people might need them.

WILSON: She said she cares about other people? What a poser. KUB is clean. You don't like her because she's a psychiatrist.

HOUSE: I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons.

WILSON: Never before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly.

HOUSE: You talk a lot of smack about tranny hookers.

WILSON: Enlarged mediastinal node.

HOUSE: Lymphoma.

WILSON: Probably, but we can't confirm it without a biopsy.

HOUSE: You can't analyse a biopsy without a stain.

WILSON: We can't biopsy.

HOUSE: Cause they don't have stains down there. We need a substitute.

WILSON: She can't biopsy that node without a surgical team and an OR.

HOUSE: Anything with a strong colour could work as a stain. Printer ink, food colouring, coffee.

WILSON: No thanks.

HOUSE: Find a node closer to the surface, one she can biopsy.

WILSON: That makes sense.

HOUSE: That makes sense?

WILSON: I said it first.

HOUSE: In a shockingly calm manner, after I'd just been jerking you around for 30 seconds without you complaining or analysing said jerking.

WILSON: I was being mature.

HOUSE: In a lavender shirt. You for some reason are happy.

WILSON: How dare you? The X-rays don't show any other abnormal nodes.

HOUSE: Abnormal nodes can be felt before they can be seen on an X-ray. You're wearing that shirt for someone.

WILSON: The health department. They frown on topless oncology. You're going to do a physical?

HOUSE: Have to. You and Foreman are going to be here looking for a stain. [House leaves.]

[Cut to House in his apartment, using a laptop to talk to Cate.]

CATE: I can do the physical. There's no reason you need to watch.

HOUSE: I can think of at least three reasons. One of them's medical.

CATE: Where are you? Not in your office.

HOUSE: You're not in the hospital. No reason for me to be.

CATE: I am not undressing for you in your apartment.

HOUSE: You're not in my apartment. You're three quarters of a world away. I promise not to get fresh.

CATE: I'm not taking off my clothes.

HOUSE: One of us has to.

CATE: [Thinks about it.] Show me your place.

HOUSE: It's got walls, a floor, and in some places, a roof.

CATE: I am not exposing myself without some reciprocity.

HOUSE: It's my apartment, it's not my soul. [Cate just sits there. Picks up the laptop and points it towards the room.] Living room.

CATE: Slow down. [House moves the laptop slower, Cate notices his bookshelf.] Lots of books. I'm betting all medical.

HOUSE: [Points it back towards himself.] Only if you count Jenna Jameson's autobiography as a gynaecological text.

CATE: Fiction is a waste of time unless you can laugh at it.

HOUSE: I love to laugh. Moving on. [Moves the laptop again showing a glimpse of the half bottle of bourbon on the coffee table.]

CATE: Back up. [House stops.] How bad is the insomnia? Let me quantify that. Do you drink two or three scotches before passing out in front of the TV?

HOUSE: You are so far off. It's bourbon. [Gives her a better look at the bottle. Then continues showing the apartment.]

CATE: No photos anywhere. Family and friends aren't important?

HOUSE: Well, you're sick. You have 20 people down the hall and you've had exactly one visitor.

CATE: I don't want to panic anyone.

HOUSE: You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube so…

CATE: Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm anti-social.

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] How about if I just get naked and you shut up?

CATE: If I thought I could get you naked, I would've led with that. You'd rather show me your soul than your leg.

HOUSE: Great. You’ve got me all figured out. You going to try and fix me now?

CATE: I never said you needed fixing.

[Cut to Foreman and Wilson in the lab testing possible stains.]

FOREMAN: He's letting her take part in the differentials.

WILSON: Of course he is. He likes her. Big shock, spaghetti sauce doesn't work as a lymph tissue stain. I'll try... the coffee.

FOREMAN: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.

WILSON: That's House's version of courtship.

FOREMAN: Oh, god. He's been wooing me for years.

WILSON: She's the perfect woman for him. Willing to literally go to the end of the earth for her career, making her unavailable for a real relationship. And she's afflicted with a mysterious illness.

FOREMAN: Soya sauce is a no-go.

WILSON: We're going to be here all night.

[Cut back to House lying back on the couch, drinking some Bourbon and waiting for Cate]

HOUSE: How long does it take you to get naked?

CATE: It's the South Pole. I wear a lot of layers. Okay. Ready. [Picks up the camera.]

HOUSE: I saw socks. That's not naked.

CATE: Have I mentioned it's freezing here? When they discover lymph nodes in feet, I will take off my socks.

HOUSE: Use your right hand to palpate the nodes. Any node you can feel is one we can biopsy. Let's start with your breasts, move down to the ass, then...

CATE: I was thinking... go from the neck and work my way down.

HOUSE: Well, you could. But I'd never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts.

CATE: I'm starting with the anterior cervical nodes. [Starts to feel her neck, House sits up and puts down the drink.]

HOUSE: Turn your head. Locate the SCM muscle.

CATE: I know how to find my lymph nodes.

HOUSE: They teach you that before or after the class on fondling your inner child? [House turns on some music.]

CATE: No swelling, no tenderness, and I can hear that, House.

HOUSE: Just thought it might help you relax. Anything in the axillary nodes?

CATE: All clear. Both sides.

HOUSE: Slide your hand to your sternum, probe for nodes. Moving slowly downward. [Cate does as told.]

CATE: Down to what, House?

HOUSE: Sorry, can't hear you on account of your heavy breathing.

CATE: I'm supposed to be on oxygen, you tool.

HOUSE: [Turns off the music.] Hold it. [Cate stops.] Your fingers didn't go quite as deep. Feel that node again.

CATE: It…it's swollen.

HOUSE: Looks like you're doing a biopsy.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the Diagnostics office. Cate is on the big screen again and is putting ice on her stomach.]

CATE: It's pretty numb.

WILSON: Okay, take a deep breath... and insert the needle into the node.

HOUSE: Come on, Cate. Let's get this over with.

WILSON: [Mutes the microphone.]You used her name.

HOUSE: Just trying to move things along, Bob. [Wilson un-mutes.]

CATE: [Inserts the needle.] Okay, I'm in.

WILSON: You need to pull back on the syringe. [Cate tries to pull but nothing happens.] You need to pull harder. [Cate does so and screams in pain as the syringe fills with some sort of yellow liquid.]

HOUSE: You okay?

CATE: Yeah.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the lift.]

WILSON: Are you okay?

HOUSE: It's a valid medical question.

WILSON: I have never heard you ask a patient that question. You've never asked me that question, and you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk. You've slept with her.

HOUSE: She's 9,000 miles away. [Elevator opens, they walk out towards the exit.] And while a certain part of me unfurled…

WILSON: No, you… Somehow you've been intimate with her. Why are you following me?

HOUSE: Thought you were following me.

WILSON: No, you are definitely following me.

HOUSE: Where are you going?

WILSON: Out to lunch.

HOUSE: You never go out to lunch. Means there's a reason you're going out to lunch. I assume that reason is a human being.

WILSON: Or a sandwich.

HOUSE: Sandwiches can come here.

WILSON: So can human beings.

HOUSE: Yet she's not, which I find interesting.

WILSON: I'm leaving now. [Walks away.]

HOUSE: Small world. [Follows.]

WILSON: Are you going to follow me into my car?

HOUSE: It's got two doors.

WILSON: Okay, look. The reason I haven't told you is… [Runs off leaving House just standing there watching.]

[Cameron walks up behind House.]

CAMERON: Call off your dogs, House. Your little helpers are interrogating my patients, swiping my charts, intercepting prescriptions.

HOUSE: Why would you think that I'm…

CAMERON: Because I'm not a moron. You had to be pulling the strings here. You think that because they make me miserable I'm going to give you cable?

HOUSE: Let's assume that's true. And it certainly sounds like it might be. What are you going to do?

CAMERON: Nothing. I resigned from the budget committee. [Shows House a piece of paper.] I only joined the committee to help the hospital. You made me a liability. I now have zero influence over the hospital's cable policy. [Walks away and smiles.]

[Aerial of PPTH.]

[Cut to House finding the newbies in the hallway.]

HOUSE: Well done.

TAUB: It didn't work. There's nothing more that we can do.

HOUSE: Put these up. [Hands them some fliers.]

KUTNER: [Reading the flier.] Free Rottweiler puppies. Please call after 11:00 pm and before 5:00 am. [Looks up at House] Is this Cameron's home number?

HOUSE: [Putting up a flier.] I love a new puppy. My last one was delicious, very tender.

TAUB: There's no point in torturing her.

HOUSE: If she can resign, she can un-resign. Go to def-con one. Forget waiting for a mistake, make her make one.

13: You want us to sabotage another doctor, possibly harm a patient, all so you can have cable.

HOUSE: Harm suggests permanent damage. Get her to screw up, then fix it. Oh, and this time, don't tell her what you're going to do before you do it. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson in his office using a laptop to talk to Cate who is putting the node sample under a microscope.]

CATE: So, how long do I let the lymph node marinate in the red wine?

WILSON: It should be ready now. [Cate look in the microscope. Wilson has a split screen and is looking at the same thing.] Try increasing the magnification on the camera. [Cate does so.]

CATE: You know, I e-mailed a couple colleagues at the hospital about you.

WILSON: You're checking up on me, not House?

CATE: Yeah, well House is straightforward, brilliant, and an ass.

WILSON: Two out of three good qualities, clear majority.

CATE: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are responsible, nice, human, and yet you're House's best friend.

WILSON: Hold there. [Cate stops adjusting.] Makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems?

CATE: Makes me think that you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem.

WILSON: Do you always insult your doctors?

CATE: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.

WILSON: [Smiles.] No wonder he likes you. Based on this slide, you do not have cancer.

CATE: [Relieved.] Oh thank god.

WILSON: I do see some inflammation which could mean…

CATE: [Leans back in her chair and grabs her side.] Ah!

WILSON: Cate? You all right?

CATE: My left side, it hurts... It's the same pain that I had on the right.

WILSON: Your other kidney.

CATE: No, I hope it's something, It's maybe [Screams.] Oh, no! I'm screwed.

[Cut to House in his apartment talking to Cate on the laptop again. Cate is back in bed.]

HOUSE: Bad news is you're 0 for 2 in the kidney department.

CATE: Is there good news? You're back at home.

HOUSE: Of course. There's cable. And the freedom to work pant-free.

CATE: That is good news.

HOUSE: Wilson found signs of inflammation in your biopsy. That plus the two failing kidneys points to autoimmune disease. Probably SLE or vasculitis. Treatment for both is prednisone. Start with 100 milligrams...

CATE: Autoimmune is just your latest theory. Like cancer before that, and a kidney stone before.

HOUSE: Take the prednisone, you'll get better, that'll be your confirmation.

CATE: You practice medicine like it's a fire sale. You've wasted antibiotics, X-rays.

HOUSE: That was not a waste. We ruled out…

CATE: We have a crew member here who has asthma. If he has an episode after I've used up the prednisone, he'll die.

HOUSE: There a good chance he's going to die anyway, since there won't be a doctor there to help him.
CATE: Show me proof that it's autoimmune and then I'll take the prednisone. [Turns off the camera.]

[Aerial of PPTH, night.]

[Cut to House's office]

FOREMAN: We should send her outside.

HOUSE: Right, just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital.

FOREMAN: Autoimmune diseases are basically inflammation running wild. Extreme cold has been used as treatment, like putting ice on a sprained ankle. She starts to feel better outside, we know it's autoimmune.

WILSON: [Notices something on House's desk.] Is that my wallet?

HOUSE: Yeah, you can have it back. I've already been through it. I like your ice on a sprain metaphor. Makes it seem like we're not killing her.

FOREMAN: She'd only need to be outside five minutes.

HOUSE: Without her mittens. Mom told me that was a bad idea. Especially that winter it was 70 below and I had dual kidney failure.

FOREMAN: This is a good idea. It's perfect for you. Experimental, risky. Wilson's right. You care about…

WILSON: You didn't touch the cash, but you took the receipts?

HOUSE: [Picks up a receipt off his desk.] $190 restaurant tab. That's dessert, probably booze. Means you lingered. Means it's at least the third date. Means… [Starts to leave.]

FOREMAN: Where are you going?

HOUSE: To talk to the people I pay to come up with medical ideas.

FOREMAN: There are no ideas. The test for autoimmune is ANA. Unless penguins poop immuno-analysers, she's not…

HOUSE: Before A.N.A. testing, people had autoimmune diseases. How did they know?

FOREMAN: C3.

HOUSE: Before that.

FOREMAN: LE Prep. But she doesn't have any controlled pore glass beads.

WILSON: You don't need them. [Holds up a paperclip.]

[Cut to Cate dropping a paperclip into a test tube of blood, she puts the stopper on and starts shaking it. House in in his office watching.]

HOUSE: When you shake the test tube, the paperclip will damage some of your blood cells. If you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system will gorge itself on the damaged cells. They'll get big and fat so you can see them under a microscope. [She puts the test tube down and picks up the oxygen mask.] How you doing?

CATE: No change. So how long should I give the cells to fatten up before I check them?

HOUSE: Couple hours. Or you could stop being a hypocrite and take the prednisone now.

CATE: Not bending to your will makes me a hypocrite?

HOUSE: If your psych patients demanded lab results, you'd never make a diagnosis.

CATE: So I'm wrong. You sleep like a baby, your life is unfolding as you dreamed.

HOUSE: Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change.

CATE: You want to believe that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery.

HOUSE: Oh shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.

CATE: And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other patient.

HOUSE: Sorry about that. Call me when you get the results. [Turns off the camera.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in line at the cafeteria. Cuddy walks up.]

CUDDY: How's your patient?

HOUSE: She has an autoimmune disease. Tell the psych department she's in denial.

CUDDY: I had to fire Cameron.

FOREMAN: What? What happened?

CUDDY: 65-year-old man came into the ER with a hip fracture. Cameron gave him Demerol. The guy was on an MAOI, put him into a hypertensive crisis.

FOREMAN: Is he going to live?

CUDDY: Taub caught the error in time. If she'd just admitted the mistake, maybe I could've just suspended her. But... she's packing up, if you want to say good-bye.

HOUSE: We should be hearing from the South Pole in a few minutes.

CUDDY: That's it?

HOUSE: Well there's nothing to be done. She screwed up. She's got no one to blame but herself. [Cuddy leaves.]

FOREMAN: I got to go talk to Cameron.

HOUSE: Cuddy wouldn't can her for one screw-up and if she did, she wouldn't come to me. And if she did, she wouldn't open with, "how's your patient." And if she did...

FOREMAN: Why would she lie?

HOUSE: Timeless question. In this case, she conspired with your coworkers to teach me that some things are more important than cable. And I'm gonna have to teach them that they're wrong. Come on, South Pole really should be calling. [Motions for Foreman to give him money to pay for his food.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the Diagnostics office watching Cate on the big screen again.]

CATE: LE Prep test was negative. It's not autoimmune.

HOUSE: You're basing that on a test done with a paperclip. Just take the prednisone.

CATE: Either find another diagnosis or find another test.

HOUSE: There is one way. You can take this experimental drug called... pred-ni-sone! Your Kidneys start working...

FOREMAN: There is another test.

HOUSE: [Scrunches his chip packet near the microphone.] I, I think Foreman may have just broken up there. What he actually said was there is no other test.

FOREMAN: If you have an autoimmune disease, exposure to the cold should decrease your kidney pain.

CATE: If I go outside, we'll have our answer? [Foreman nods.] [To House.] And you knew about this?

HOUSE: I rejected it because if you're frozen solid, it's hard to get the needles into your arms.

CATE: [Getting up.] How long do I need to stay out?

FOREMAN: At least five minutes.

HOUSE: Eight minutes outside would kill a healthy person. And healthy people don't suck on oxygen masks. Healthy people can pee.

CATE: I'll go get Sean, have him come with me. [Starts taking off layers.]

HOUSE: Just take the prednisone!

CATE: Once I come inside. If it's autoimmune. [Picks up the screen but starts to wobble.]

FOREMAN: Are you all right? [She collapses.]

HOUSE: Oh I'm sure she's just fine. Cate? [To Foreman] Do you know if there's anyone down there who has a cell phone.

[Shot of Sean looking over Cate who's on a table still unconscious.]

[Cut to House, Wilson and Foreman in the elevator.]

FOREMAN: Took the station mechanic 20 minutes to respond. She'd already slipped into a coma. Started her on prednisone, but no improvement.

HOUSE: Means it's not autoimmune. Good thing she's in a coma, or we'd have to listen to her gloat.

WILSON: And where are we going?

HOUSE: To find the useful members of my team.

FOREMAN: You're letting them off the hook?

HOUSE: Happy? Because of you, I'm not going to be able to watch law and order in Korean.

WILSON: Why am I here?

HOUSE: Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is or you'd have told me her name.

WILSON: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.

HOUSE: There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't remember five of their names, so we're down to... Cuddy… Your ex-wives...

WILSON: Your mama. [Elevator opens, they walk out.] You need to run a kidney function test.

HOUSE: Yes, if only she wasn't in a coma, we could get her to run a test to find out why she's in a coma. The results would likely be paradoxical. Can't be Cuddy, 'cause you're straight. Can't be…

FOREMAN: We could talk the mechanic through the test.

HOUSE: Too complicated... Unless he's thirsty.

[Cut to Diagnostics office. House and Foreman are talking to Sean on the big screen.]

SEAN: Drink her urine?

FOREMAN: If it has a strong, concentrated taste, it means the problem's in her kidneys. Watery taste means it's her brain.

SEAN: And then you can fix it?

HOUSE: Let's say yeah.

SEAN: How do I get the urine out?

FOREMAN: Take a straight catheter and insert it...

HOUSE: These are your only questions? Not, is it safe? Or, is there another way? Or, are you out of your minds?

SEAN: You wouldn't ask me if…

HOUSE: Wait a second. You're in love with her. That explains why you're so eager to get her naked, then have a drink. Cause most guys like to go the other way around.

SEAN: Why do you care how I feel about her?

HOUSE: Because now, I know that I can get you to do anything to save her. Tell him how to tap the keg. [Leaves.]

[Aerial of PPTH.]

[Cut to House walking up to the newbies in the cafeteria.]

HOUSE: You got Cameron fired.

TAUB: Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out.

HOUSE: No kidding! Get me cable. How tough can that be? Cost a woman her job. There's only one thing you can say to keep me from firing you.

13: Cameron wasn't fired.

HOUSE: Wrong.

TAUB: You know?

KUTNER: We're still fired?

HOUSE: That should be a hint as to what you're supposed to say.

TAUB: We're sorry.

HOUSE: Wrong.

KUTNER: I love you.

HOUSE: Wrong.

13: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-worker and now we have to try to figure out what you want us to say? This is insane. I'm not playing.

HOUSE: Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose, you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting fired. Go pay for my cable. [Starts to leave.]

KUTNER: No!

HOUSE: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable.

[Cut to Sean drinking the urine. House and Foreman watching in the Diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Milk, milk, lemonade?

SEAN: This tastes kind of watery.

HOUSE: That's bad news.

FOREMAN: Either increased intracranial pressure or something's wrong with her hypothalamus.

SEAN: How do you figure out which one it is?

HOUSE: We don't do anything. You're going to drill a hole in her skull. If she regains consciousness, it's increased intracranial pressure.

SEAN: And if it's the other thing?

HOUSE: She'll die. But if it's the hypothalamus, she's dead anyway.

SEAN: If the problem is the pressure in her brain, and I fix it, is she going to be all better?

HOUSE: Nope, but it'll give us more time to figure out what's wrong.

SEAN: [Starts to panic.] I have to get someone else. I can't do this.

HOUSE: You love her, right? You'd do anything to save her.

SEAN: Not this. I can't do this. If, if she dies because of something that I did, then I…

HOUSE: Listen, listen. I am not going to let you hurt her. Okay? Now please... This is her only chance.
SEAN: Okay. [Gets up and walks towards Cate.]

HOUSE: Well, that was easy.

[Cut to Sean putting gloves on. Cate's head is taped to the table and there's a drill hovering above her head.]

SEAN: Okay, her head is stabilised and the drill bit is sterile.

FOREMAN: Place the drill bit against the upper left part of her forehead. About an inch above the temple. [Sean turns on the drill and slowly moves it down onto her head, it goes through the skin and stops going down further.]

SEAN: It's not going anywhere.

FOREMAN: Bone's harder than wood, lean into it. The skull's only a quarter-inch thick. Once you're midway through, drill in shorter bursts. [Sean does as he's told.]

HOUSE: If it comes out the other side, you've gone too far.

SEAN: [The drill gets through the bone and Sean stops it.] Okay, now what? Now what?

HOUSE: Let the fluid drain. [Blood starts to come out of the hole in Cate's head. After a few seconds Cate starts to wake up.]

SEAN: She's waking up. She's waking up.

CATE: Sean? What's going on?

[Cut to House with the newbies and Foreman in the hallway outside the diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: South Pole doc is out of her coma, and now we have a new symptom. Increased intracranial pressure.

KUTNER: Why are we out here?

HOUSE: That's the patient room. ICP plus kidney problems plus lung collapse equals?

TAUB: The most likely suspect is a tumour throwing off clots.

FOREMAN: We ruled out cancer.

HOUSE: But not clots. What causes blood clots?

13: Bacterial endocarditis.

FOREMAN: Not without a fever.

TAUB: Deep vein thrombosis plus an existing PFO.

HOUSE: PFO would've been discovered in her pre-South Pole physical exam.

KUTNER: What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains everything.

HOUSE: She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.

KUTNER: No.

HOUSE: You're standing up to me?

KUTNER: Maybe.

HOUSE: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot…

KUTNER: Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.

HOUSE: That's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire… [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Kutner bows.]

[Cut to House and Foreman back in the Diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Take off her socks. [Sean moves to her feet.]

CATE: I could, I could do it.

SEAN: No, I got it. [Takes off her sock revealing quite a badly broken big toe.]

HOUSE: Your toe is broken.

CATE: Oh, my god.

HOUSE: Bits of bone marrow have been leaking into your blood stream. Those fat emboli have caused blockages in your kidney, lungs, and brain.

CATE: It doesn't even hurt.

HOUSE: Cold numbs everything. Does a particularly great job on the extremities.

FOREMAN: You'll need to close the break to stop the marrow from leaking.

HOUSE: This one you will feel.

CATE: [To Sean] Will you do it?

HOUSE: He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he's up for this.

FOREMAN: Grab the tip of her toe with your right hand. Hold the break with the other. [Sean does as he’s told.] On the count of three, pull hard. One... two... three. [Sean pulls, we hear a loud crack and Cate screams.]

HOUSE: Now splint your toe. You'll be fine.

CATE: Thank you, House.

HOUSE: Don't thank me. He's the one who saved your life. [Cate looks at Sean. They smile and hug. During the hug Cate looks back towards House and smiles. House turns off the camera.] He likes her. [House leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson ordering wine in a restaurant.]

WILSON: [To waiter.] A bottle of the Bordeaux and some sparkling water.

[Waiter walks off, House walks over and sits down opposite Wilson.]

HOUSE: Well, you didn't pick her up. Which means she's coming from work too. Which means you're comfortable enough to meet her.

WILSON: Damn. Thought I lost you when I walked backwards through my own footprints in the snow.
HOUSE: I think I've got it narrowed down to three possibilities.

WILSON: Better leave, if you see her, it'll be cheating.

HOUSE: It's not one of your ex-wives.

WILSON: Because they hate me.

HOUSE: They don't. They should, but they don't. I called them. Someone new, but someone I know.

WILSON: Did you ever consider being happy for me?

HOUSE: Briefly. You ordering the wine before she got here…

WILSON: Girls are good, House. And you know it. You solved your case because you cared about that girl.

HOUSE: You're demonstrating the illusion of manly confidence. Which means you haven't closed the deal yet.

WILSON: I closed the deal. I just like her.

HOUSE: Still?

WILSON: You knew your patient hated having cold feet because you did a physical exam, because you liked her.

HOUSE: Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

WILSON: It starts with warm feet but leads to other things. Your mom and I will explain when you're older.

HOUSE: If I'd made her take them off like I should've, I would've seen the toe and would've solved the case days ago.

WILSON: But you don't care about her.

[Amber walks up to the table.]

AMBER: Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.

WILSON: [Gets up and kisses her.] Hi.

AMBER: Sorry I'm late.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Cut throat bitch?

WILSON: I call her Amber. Was she on your list?

[End.]

Tags: season 4
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  • House – 5.24 Both Sides Now

    Originally Aired: May 11, 2009 Written by: Doris Egan Directed by: Greg Yaitanes Transcribed by: Jane (poeia) DISCLAIMER: "HOUSE is…

  • House – 5.23 Under My Skin

    Originally Aired: May 4, 2009 Written by: Pamela Davis and Lawrence Kaplow Directed by: David Straiton Transcribed by: Jane (poeia)…

  • House MD – 5.22 House Divided

    House DividedOriginally Aired: April 27, 2009 Written by: Matthew V. Lewis & Liz Friedman Directed by: Greg Yaitanes Transcribed by: Jane (…