Written by: Sara Hess
Directed by: Lesli Linka Glatter
Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly)
Beta'ed by TD (topaz_eyes)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[Magic show, Kutner and Cole are in the audience.]
FINN: Chinese water torture cell was invented in 1911 by Harry Houdini. [Pulls down a black cloth revealing a glass tank full of water, just big enough for one person.] Nothing like new material. He was lowered head first into the water. His ankles were locked and bolted to the top of the tank. I'm going to need a volunteer.
KUTNER: [Immediately puts his hand in the air, as high as he can possibly get it.] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[The spotlight makes its way over to Kutner.]
FINN: [Points to Kutner.] The guy dislocating his shoulder, right there. [Kutner stands up looking very happy.] Yeah. Could you tell the guy next to you to come up? [Kutner hangs his head and smiles.]
KUTNER: [Slaps Cole on the arm.] Come on, get up there, man. Get up there, get up there! Come on! [Starts clapping, everyone joins in.] Come on! [Cole reluctantly gets up and makes his way to the stage, Kutner gives him a slap on the backside as he's leaving.]
FINN: [Shakes Cole's hand as he gets up on stage.] Hi, have we met before?
FINN: See, if you'd said yes, you could have gone back to your seat. Now, can you vouch for this audience that this is a glass tank full of water?
COLE: [Looks at the tank.] Yeah.
FINN: No, you can't. You haven't done anything yet, come on. [Drags Cole over to the tank by his hand.] Knock on the glass. Solid glass. Knock on it. [Coles knocks on the glass.] It's real water too. Ilana, splash the guy. [Ilana his assistant, who is up on the ladder next to the tank, splashes a little bit of water from the tank at Cole.] Does that feel wet to you?
FINN: And you think that proves it's water? I think we have met. Do you know the public washroom behind the truck stop east of Omaha?
FINN: See, if you'd said yes, that would have been so funny. Hold out your arms for me. [Cole does. Finn uses Cole's wrist to lock one end of the handcuffs.] You've done this before, right?
FINN: Again, two choices and you went for the unfunny one. [Takes the handcuffs off Cole and puts them on himself. He gets Ilana to lock the other side. The lights are turned off, Finn then gets his legs locked to the lid of the tank.] Now remember, there's only one thing you've got to be able to do. Drag a screaming, crying, shackled man out of a tank of water. Up! [The lid of the tank starts to be lifted up, Finn hangs upside down.] Hey, you can swim, right? [Cole doesn't say anything.] Whoa, whoa, whoa tell me you can swim.
FINN: [Shakes his head.] Two answers man, two answers! [Puts plugs in his nose.]
[Finn gets lowered into the tank, Ilana starts the stop watch, Finn starts to try and get out of his handcuffs as the tank lid is locked, but then he just stops.]
COLE: Is that part of the act?
ILANA: I'm new, I think so. [Blood starts to come out of Finn's mouth, he still isn't moving.] Maybe not.
COLE: [Points at Kutner.] Get up here! [Kutner runs up to the stage, everyone hurries to get the tank open.]
[Cut to the lecture hall. House is riding around on a scooter, the numbers are in the first couple rows of seats and Foreman is sitting at the back.]
HOUSE: Aww. [Gets off the scooter.] Five eager doctors and no sick people. Let us try and fill our spare time with a new challenge. The winner gets immunity...
KUTNER: I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night...
HOUSE: The girl's fine. He didn't really cut her in half.
KUTNER: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in the water tank.
HOUSE: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery. Along with immunity, the winner gets to nominate two...
COLE: He lost consciousness almost as soon as he hit the water.
HOUSE: You have to leave work at 6:00 pm, but you make time for man dates?
AMBER: What's the challenge?
COLE: Are we not allowed to be friends?
HOUSE: No, I'm just hurt. When I asked you to come see Mamma Mia...
KUTNER: No history of heart disease. No angina. No...
HOUSE: He's lying.
KUTNER: About his history? ER confirmed...
HOUSE: About everything. He's a magician, that's what they do. He screwed up the trick, he started drowning and he got a cardiac arrest.
AMBER: You were talking about a challenge?
HOUSE: The winner nominates two of your competitors. I will fire one of them.
KUTNER: Even if he was drowning, it would have taken longer to set off a cardiac incident without some underlying problem...
HOUSE: Fine. Go run your tests. If you're wrong, you're fired.
KUTNER: If I'm right, do I stay?
HOUSE: If I say no, are you going to let your patient die?
AMBER: What's the challenge?
HOUSE: We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to break all the rules. But the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity, because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you... To bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [Foreman looks up from his paper, the numbers all give House a weird look.] Not kidding. [They still all just sit there.] Thong. Cuddy. Go. [They get up and slowly start to leave, stopping before they pass Foreman.]
FOREMAN: It's how I got hired. [They leave. House rides out the other exit on his scooter.]
[Cut to the numbers walking past the nurses’ station towards the elevators.]
13: You're actually considering this?
AMBER: If you want to stand on principle, I really respect you for that.
COLE: It's childish, unprofessional, and inappropriate. The job is not worth it.
TAUB: We should all beg off. Tell him we failed. No winners, no losers.
COLE: You're going to do it, aren't you?
AMBER: Of course I'm going to do it. [Leaves.]
[Cut to Kutner examining Finn.]
KUTNER: No valvular regurgitation, no wall motion abnormalities, no structural defects.
FINN: If you didn't sound so despondent, I'd say that was good news.
[13 walks in.]
13: It is for you, not for him. Notice any heaviness in your legs the last couple days?
FINN: [To Kutner.] Why isn't it good news for you?
13: Because, if there's nothing wrong with you, he gets fired.
FINN: [Laughs.] Seriously?
KUTNER: Somewhat seriously. Your legs?
FINN: Haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary.
KUTNER: Shortness of breath?
FINN: Would it help if I puked? [Shoves a deck of cards in his mouth and starts pulling them out like he's puking them. Then he picks them up and holds them in front of 13.] Pick a card.
13: Any tightness in your chest or arms?
FINN: Pick a card.
13: You don't seem too worried.
FINN: Would you please pick a card?
13: [Takes a card.] Our boss thinks your cardiac arrest was just a result of you accidentally drowning.
FINN: Your boss is an idiot. Put it back. [13 puts the card back in the pile. Finn hands the deck to her.] Shuffle 'em up.
13: [Starts shuffling.] So then why aren't you worried?
FINN: Either I'm dying or I'm not. I mean, I don't want the ride to be over. [Takes the cards back.] But unless worrying is some new form of treatment... [Pulls a card from the deck and shows it to 13.] Your card.
KUTNER: I'm going to prep you for a transesophageal echo.
FINN: [Looking through the cards.] You sure you shuffled these?
KUTNER: And I'm going to need to sedate you.
FINN: Might want to check your wallet first. [Kutner ignores him.] Would you check your wallet? It's part of the trick. [Kutner sighs, takes out his wallet from his back pocket and hands it to Finn. Finn opens it and it bursts into flames.] Whoa. [Closes it, the flames go out, Finn blows the top of it. Opens it again and shows 13 the ace of spades sitting in the wallet.]
13: [Shocked.] That's my card. How did you do that?
KUTNER: Do it again. [Finn just hands Kutner's wallet back and lies back down.]
[Cut to Cuddy in the clinic reading through a file. Taub is watching from behind the glass door. Amber walks up to him.]
AMBER: Thought you weren't playing?
TAUB: I'm not.
AMBER: She'll fire you if she catches you.
TAUB: I don't think she can fire me for not trying to steal her panties.
AMBER: You trying to will them off?
TAUB: If I had a plan, the first part would be not telling YOU what the plan was.
AMBER: [Looks at the coffee in Taub's hand.] You haven't touched that coffee.
TAUB: Yes I have.
AMBER: She can't keep her panties on if they're wet. [Taub looks at Amber.] We work together. One wins, protects the other.
TAUB: Or I win by myself, and then you try desperately to convince me to spare you.
[Taub walks into the clinic followed closely by Amber.]
AMBER: Dr Cuddy. [Taub trips over and the coffee goes all over the floor as well as on himself.]
CUDDY: Dr Taub, are you okay?
TAUB: I, I just tripped, I'm so sorry.
AMBER: I have some extra time, do you need any help in the clinic?
CUDDY: Uh, okay. [Hands the file to Amber, and grabs another one off the pile. They both leave Taub to clean himself up]
[Cut to Kutner walking up to Foreman.]
KUTNER: We found no apparent cause for the arrest. T.T.E. And T.E.E. revealed no...
FOREMAN: Send the patient home, you can give him a lift.
KUTNER: We checked for clots, we checked for...
FOREMAN: You're reporting to me because you're scared to report to House, because you found nothing, because this isn't a case. [Laughs.] And you thought I'd save your ass.
KUTNER: Yeah. [Foreman looks at him.] I thought he was sick, what was I supposed to do?
FOREMAN: What about his lungs? Decreased oxygen saturation leads to heart failure.
KUTNER: ER didn't find anything.
FOREMAN: ER wasn't looking, too busy trying to keep him alive. Get an MRI. [Leaves.]
[Cut to Amber dialing a phone in an Exam room in the clinic. A woman answers.]
AMBER: Yes, can you ask Dr. Cuddy to come to the nurse's station? Stat.
WOMAN: Right away.
[Amber hangs up the phone. Lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke at the sprinkler on the ceiling. Nothing happens. She stands up on the table and uses the lighter. The alarm goes off, we see everyone in the clinic running around getting very wet. Amber walks up to a nurse at the nurses’ station.]
AMBER: I asked you to get doctor...
NURSE: Dr. Taub said she'd be right out.
[Amber turns around and sees Cuddy and Taub in Cuddy's office perfectly dry, Taub waves to Amber.]
[Cut to Kutner getting Finn ready for the MRI. 13 is waiting in the other room.]
FINN: A fungus in my lungs? How would I even get something like that?
KUTNER: Right now, it's just a theory. We don't even know if it's...
FINN: I knew I shouldn't have done those mushrooms in college.
KUTNER: I'm sure there's no connection.
FINN: It was a joke. You really lose your sense of humour when your job's on the line, huh?
KUTNER: Sorry, most dying people don't really like to... Not that you're dying. [Pushes the button to move Finn into the MRI machine.]
FINN: But a little sick would be perfect, right?
[Finn gets about halfway into the machine and starts screaming.]
FINN: Ah, ow, ah! Ow! My stomach!
[Kutner and 13 run over to help.]
KUTNER: Stabbing or throbbing? [Pulls Finn out of the machine. Sees a big bruise on his side.] Grey turner's sign. He's got internal bleeding.
13: I'll call surgery. [Runs out of the room.]
[Cut to Kutner, 13, Cole, Foreman and House in the Diagnostics Office.]
13: Surgeons have transfused three units AB positive, but they're still looking for the source of the bleed.
KUTNER: [Looking please with himself.] No trauma. Could be liver disease, Vitamin K deficiency. The only thing we know for sure it's not... nothing.
13: And we would have noticed something chronic like liver disease, it's probably an intestinal infarct... [Drops the file.]
KUTNER: Hey. [Starts to bend down to help.]
13: [Quickly picking everything up.] I got it! [House stares at her.]
[Taub walks in followed by Amber.]
TAUB: Ahem. [Holds up a pair of black panties.] Eau de Cuddy.
COLE: No way, how did you get them?
TAUB: Only one way. [Throws the panties to Cole, House catches them with his cane.]
HOUSE: These are not Cuddy's panties.
TAUB: You don't think that I...
HOUSE: No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today. [Everyone looks at him.] Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.
FOREMAN: Do your research, people. An intestinal infarct could be linked to the cardiac arrest.
HOUSE: [To Amber.] Hike up your skirt.
AMBER: [Laughs.] Wow that's rude even for you.
HOUSE: Hike it down then. You're wearing a black bra. Let's see the underwear.
HOUSE: You two cut a deal.
[Amber grabs her panties off the table.]
AMBER: If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough.
KUTNER: So you're not wearing any underwear?
FOREMAN: Uh, there's a guy bleeding.
HOUSE: Foreman. She's not wearing any underwear. You used to be more fun.
FOREMAN: She's not wearing any underwear - Big deal. When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the medical stuff.
HOUSE: Let me see the MRI film.
KUTNER: We didn't get any images, he started screaming as soon as I turned it on.
HOUSE: Define soon.
KUTNER: Uh... I didn't even get a chance to sit down.
HOUSE: You guys ever wonder how he was going to get out of that water tank? You. [Points to Kutner.] Come. [They leave.]
[Cut to Finn's surgery.]
SURGEON: Lacerations in his digestive tract and his spleen is shredded.
HOUSE: Ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this particular trick. Watch closely. [Sticks his hands into Finn. Looks at the surgeon.] How you been?
SURGEON: Fine, until now.
HOUSE: [Nods, and continues feeling around inside Finn. Pulls out a small key.] Ta-da. [Shows it to Kutner.] Now you... disappear. [Kutner leaves.]
[House drops the key.]
[Cut to the, now clean, key falling onto the table in Finn's room.]
HOUSE: Look familiar? The MRI's magnet ripped this through your intestine into your spleen.
FINN: Forgot about that. On account of almost dying. Where's Dr. Kutner?
HOUSE: He's no longer on your case, because there's nothing wrong with you.
FINN: I didn't screw up that trick.
HOUSE: Everything that's happened can be explained by you being forgetful and incompetent. You screwed up, you passed out...
FINN: Know my favourite time to lie? When my life hangs in the balance.
HOUSE: Your life doesn't hang in the balance. You know your life doesn't hang in the balance. Your reputation might hang...
FINN: You ever do magic as a kid? You seem like the type. Lonely, obsessive.
HOUSE: I outgrew it. You?
FINN: [Holds the cards out to House.] Pick a card.
HOUSE: Too much trouble. Can I just pick my nose?
FINN: I am not a hack.
HOUSE: [Takes a card.] If I tell you how it's done, will you go home? [Looks at his card, 6 of spades. Puts it back in the deck.] So you going to make it magically appear in my wallet? [Finn throws the cards at the glass wall. The Jack of hearts sticks there.] You are a hack. [House pulls the jack off the window to reveal the 6 of spades on the other side of the glass. House is surprised, he looks at Finn, then back at the card and rubs the window just to make sure it is on the other side.]
FINN: I don't screw up. [Finn starts bleeding heavily from his nose.]
[Cut to House, Kutner, Amber, 13, Cole and Taub, all sitting around the table in the diagnostics office. House is playing with a deck of cards, making the 6 of spades disappear and reappear in his hand. Kutner is smiling.]
HOUSE: A nosebleed that major means he's actually sick. Means the cardiac arrest was a symptom. [Looks at Kutner.] Stop gloating.
KUTNER: I'm not gloating.
HOUSE: Then what's that smirk?
KUTNER: No smirk, this is how I look.
COLE: What about the underwear challenge?
HOUSE: I declare it officially on hold.
COLE: Not really fair, but I get it. [Throws a pair of red panties on the table, everyone is surprised, House looks at Amber. Amber stands up and pulls her skirt down a little to show that she is still wearing hers. House looks over at 13 who looks disgusted by the thought.] It's Cuddy's.
HOUSE: [To Cole.] Pull down your pants.
COLE: You think I'm lying?
HOUSE: No, I want to give you a reward. Yes, I think you're lying. Cardiac arrest plus nose bleed, Go.
13: Uh... patient has no significant family history, no angina, no prior attacks.
AMBER: What if it isn't his heart? What if it's the vessels around his heart? Polyarteritis nodosa causes cardiac symptoms and hypertension, which makes his nose bleed.
TAUB: You know what else makes your nose bleed and your heart race? Cocaine. Guy works in a B-List nightclub in Atlantic City, he's got to be taking regular rolls in the snow.
HOUSE: You, [Taub] take the gloater to the patient's drug den. Make sure you pat down his pockets before you leave. You [Amber] and Big Love, biopsy a blood vessel from around the heart, test for polyarteritis nodosa. You...  In my office.
[13 Follows House into his office, House throws the red panties on his desk.]
13: Those aren't my panties.
HOUSE: I know. Hypothetical. A young woman does something clumsy in public, and instead of laughing it off, she gets irrationally upset. Explain.
13: Maybe she's clumsy because she's nervous, because she forgot to do her spelling homework. Or in my hypothetical, she's eight.
HOUSE: But this girl's not insecure. Seems more like she's afraid.
13: Do you have a point, or did you just get a new book of riddles?
HOUSE: I think you're hiding a medical condition.
13: I'm not. [Puts her lab coat on.] I'm glad we had this talk.
HOUSE: Doctors often try to ignore their symptoms because they think they can't get sick. If you've got something going on, I need you to take care of it.
13: And I take your compassion entirely at face value.
HOUSE: It's not compassion. It's self interest, I want my team healthy.
13: It's not self interest. It's curiosity. I dropped a file, House. I start bleeding from the eyes, I'll be sure to make an appointment.
[Cut to Taub and Kutner going through Finn's stuff.]
TAUB: Found some pot.
KUTNER: Bag it.
TAUB: I'm not sure it really fits the symptoms.
KUTNER: Of course not, but it'd be irresponsible to leave it here. [Sees a fortune telling machine.] You have a quarter?
KUTNER: How did Cole get those panties off Cuddy?
TAUB: They were never on her. No way those are hers. [Finds some rabbits in a cage.] Uh-Huh. Tularaemia.
KUTNER: [Still playing with the machine.] Nah he'd have to have rabbits.
TAUB: True. Maybe, a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white, fluffy alligators. [Kutner turns around and sees the rabbits.] Then it jumps onto our patient, transfers the bacteria, causes pericarditis. Explains everything.
[Cut to House entering Finn's room, Finn is playing with four aces, making one turnaround. House grabs an IV bag from the draw.]
FINN: What are you giving me?
HOUSE: How'd you do the trick?
FINN: Oh, if I explain it becomes mundane, and you lose the actual magic.
HOUSE: What do you mean the actual magic? Think you're actually sawing women in half?
FINN: You going to tell me what's wrong with me or not?
HOUSE: [Connects the IV up.] Magic is cool. Actual magic is oxymoronic. Might not even be oxy.
FINN: You're not going to tell me unless I tell you? [Laughs.]
HOUSE: You got a nurse to plant the card.
FINN: I can't get a nurse to help me pee.
HOUSE: You got a buddy to plant the card.
FINN: The fun is in not knowing.
HOUSE: [Grabs some scissors and cuts the IV line, Finn is shocked.] The fun... [House opens his hand to reveal it was just a trick.] Is in knowing.
FINN: [Grabs his head.] Oh, my head. Oh! I got a headache.
HOUSE: How bad? Is it new?
FINN: It's not too bad. I'll-I'll just take one of these... [Pours pills from one hand into the other.] Vicodin. [House grabs the now empty Vicodin bottle out of his pocket. Sticks his hand out to get the pills back, Finn holds his hand over House's and then opens it, but nothing falls out. House rolls his eyes.]
HOUSE: You eat a lot of beets, you have an electric toothbrush, and you sleep less than six hours a night.
FINN: That's impressive.
HOUSE: The red betamine from the beets stains the plaque deposits on your teeth, which are then swirled by your spinning toothbrush. Your heavy lids and your prematurely aging skin tell me that you're carrying a major sleep debt.
FINN: That was way cooler before you explained it.
HOUSE: It was meaningless until I explained it.
FINN: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They WANT to experience something that they can't explain.
HOUSE: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder. You have tularaemia from your rabbits. I've put you on antibiotics, you'll be better in a couple of days. Sorry to spoil the mystery. [Leaves.]
[Cut to House at the pharmacy receiving pills.]
HOUSE: Thank you. [Pops a pill.]
[Cuddy walks near by and is talking to a nurse in hushed tones.]
CUDDY: Because it's very important to actually do it well.
[House throws the Vicodin just past where Cuddy is standing. Cuddy looks at the Vicodin, and then at House, House plays the bad leg card.]
CUDDY: I'll get it. [Bends down to pick up the Vicodin and House checks out her ass.]
HOUSE: [Eyes boggle.] Oh. My. God. [Cuddy looks at him.] You're not wearing underwear.
CUDDY: Of course I'm...
HOUSE: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
HOUSE: You're blushing.
CUDDY: I am not. [Looks down away from House as she hands House his pills.]
HOUSE: Look at me. [Cuddy looks up at him for a second, House looks into her eyes as he grabs the pills. His eyes boggle again.] Oh! [Cuddy leaves.] My! God!
[Cut to House in the elevator with Cole, House is staring at him.]
HOUSE: How'd you do it?
COLE: So I'm safe?
HOUSE: In this job, yeah. [Cole smiles.] Crotch, on the other hand... How'd you do it?
COLE: Prayer mostly. [Elevator dings, then opens, Cole walks out down the corridor and House follows.]
HOUSE: Just tell me, does Cuddy have her groove back?
COLE: It'd be rude of me to discuss.
HOUSE: You handed over her panties. I don't think gallantry's really an option at this point.
COLE: If I tell you then where's the magic?
[Kutner, 13, Amber and Taub join them in front of House's office.]
KUTNER: He passed out. Ultrasound revealed bleeding around his heart, we drained 100 CC's before it stopped.
AMBER: The antibiotics aren't working. It's obviously not tularaemia or any other infection.
HOUSE: Excuse me, we were talking.
TAUB: Bleeding around the heart could mean botched biopsy, when Cole was looking for the...
HOUSE: Why would you accuse the man who decides your fate of screwing up?
[House enters his office and the rest follow.]
TAUB: Those really were her panties?
HOUSE: Cole has travelled through the forest of crustaceans and brought us a treasure, and he has earned his reward.
COLE: If I could just get the immunity, I would...
HOUSE: No, Sophie, you can't. Use whatever criteria you want.
13: Could be a clotting issue.
AMBER: If he developed DIC after the surgery, even a normal biopsy bleeds out of control.
HOUSE: So cardiac arrest and DIC, what's the common denominator?
TAUB: Could be cancer.
13: We've been looking in his chest since he got here, it's clean.
TAUB: So the main mass is somewhere else, throws up a clot, blocks an artery in his heart, causes the arrest. [House watches as 13's hand starts shaking as she tries to put the lid on a pen.]
HOUSE: Good. Go find out where he's hiding his cancer.
[Cut to Cole preparing Finn for another MRI.]
COLE: If you've swallowed any more metal, now would be a good time to tell us.
FINN: My hands feel kind of numb.
COLE: Well you lost a lot of blood.
FINN: I'm going to die.
COLE: Everybody gets scared in a hospital. You're sick, you feel awful...
FINN: No. This time tomorrow. I'll be dead.
[Cole stares at him for a few seconds then starts the MRI, then walks into the other room to watch the results. Amber is already in there.]
AMBER: So, who's going on the block?
COLE: He thinks he's dying.
AMBER: He's probably right.
AMBER: You decide to put me up, I totally get it. Nothing personal.
COLE: I haven't decided anything.
AMBER: But you don't like me.
COLE: I like you. Some fluid in the lungs.
AMBER: No masses. I'm manipulative. I play the game. I can be a bitch.
COLE: There's a dark spot.
AMBER: Damage from where the key ripped through. You're probably expecting me to bash the others, give examples of how they screwed up, you know I can. I'm a good doctor. As good as anybody around here, probably better and you know that's the only thing that matters.
[Turns her attention back on the screens. Cole notices something.]
COLE: What's that?
[Amber has a look.]
AMBER: It's not a tumour, it's another bleed. This one's in his kidney.
COLE: And his thigh. He's bleeding all over the place.
AMBER: His timetable might be right on.
[Cut to everyone in the lecture hall.]
COLE: It was creepy. The patient predicted his own death.
HOUSE: Would have been more impressive if he'd predicted that he wasn't going to die. Of course, that takes longer to prove.
COLE: Could be a symptom, sense of impending doom.
AMBER: Yeah, could be adrenal gland disorders, blood issues, anaphylaxis.
HOUSE: If you're going to kiss his ass to protect your ass, at least wait until he's had a good idea. It's a symptom of him being a charlatan. He's a second-rate magician with a mysterious illness, why wouldn't he predict his own death? If he's wrong, we all forget it, if he's right, he goes out a legend.
KUTNER: He got scared right after a transfusion. Tainted blood has been known to cause a sense of impending doom, could also explain the DIC.
HOUSE: I predict all your pagers go off... right now. [Nothing happens.] Oh! But if it had happened...
FOREMAN: Anyone bother looking at his panel? His immunoglobulin levels are low.
COLE: That doesn't tell us anything specific about...
HOUSE: Are you acting stupid because you know you're safe? Clever.
FOREMAN: Low immunoglobulin plus failing heart, plus fluid in the lungs, plus internal bleeding, equals amyloidosis.
AMBER: He's bleeding way too much for amyloidosis.
HOUSE: He say anything about his hands or feet feeling weak?
COLE: He said his hands felt numb, but that's explained by the blood loss.
[All their pagers go off. Everyone stares at House.]
HOUSE: No! Do not give me credit for that. Close doesn't count! That's how people get sucked into this stupidity.
KUTNER: He's seizing.
HOUSE: Somebody stabilise him. [Kutner runs off, Cole follows.] The rest of you, pull his medical records, go back ten years. Look for joint pain, fatigue, anything associated with amyloidosis. [They leave.]
[Cut to Kutner and Cole in Finn's room.]
KUTNER: Mr Finn, nod if you can hear me. [Finn nods.] You had a grand mal seizure, we're giving you liquids and an anticonvulsant, just try to rest. [Cole injects something into him.] Pulse is dropping, he's stabilising. [To Cole.] You're not going to put me on the block are you?
COLE: I haven't decided who I'm going to pick.
KUTNER: That's cool. [Pulls back Finn's blanket.] His legs look swollen to you?
COLE: Slight swelling could be renal.
KUTNER: I babysat for you.
COLE: I decided I'm going to make my decision based solely on who deserves to be here.
KUTNER: That's admirable, though stupid. You shouldn't save the strongest. You should get rid of the strongest, eliminate your competition, which is definitely not me. And I'm your friend, and how are you going to explain to your kid that I can't take him to the zoo next week because you got me fired?
[Finn's eyes roll back.]
COLE: Kutner. He's going to seize again. [Monitors go off. Finn starts seizing.]
KUTNER: Flank pain, his kidneys are shutting down. Also... [Whispers.] Amber's a racist.
[Cut to House and Wilson playing foosball.]
WILSON: You knew they'd get paged?
HOUSE: I noticed a trend... If nobody does anything, sick people often get sicker. You think it's remotely possible they had sex?
WILSON: They're both single, it's still legal in the blue states.
HOUSE: She barely knows him.
WILSON: You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should move there. Because here it's just, you know, creepy.
HOUSE: There was no woo. This was an effective test. [House scores.]
WILSON: This is beneath my skills.
[Kutner and 13 walk in.]
KUTNER: Kidneys are shutting down. Led to a sodium deficiency, caused him to seize.
HOUSE: Kidney failure means I was right about amyloidosis.
13: Except that nothing in his medical history remotely indicates amyloidosis.
KUTNER: So kidney failure proves I'm right about the bad blood.
HOUSE: Bad blood doesn't explain the heart or the liver.
KUTNER: His major symptoms didn't start until after we transfused him.
HOUSE: Is cardiac arrest no longer considered a major symptom?
KUTNER: Not when it's caused by drowning.
HOUSE: So your new theory is that you were an idiot to take this case.
KUTNER: Yes. Can I go test that theory now?
HOUSE: Waste of time. He needs a bone marrow transplant for the amyloidosis.
WILSON: You'd have to irradiate him first. If they're right about the blood, you'd be destroying his immune system for nothing. [House stares at Wilson.] Which could be a good thing, does he have a really crappy life?
HOUSE: Go prove I'm right. Do a subcutaneous fat biopsy.
13: At least let us eliminate the bad blood theory, check the blood banks for mismarks and contamination. [13's hand starts shaking, she quickly puts it in her pocket but not before House notices.]
HOUSE: You've got two hours.
KUTNER: That's completely arbitrary.
HOUSE: No, if I'd said that you got three lunar months, that'd be completely arbitrary. Two hours is how long it's going to take Big Love to finish a biopsy that you guys can't do because you're wasting two hours checking blood. [13 and Kutner leave. House turns his attention back to Wilson and the foosball.] Nine – Three.
WILSON: Five - all. [House throws the ball into the centre and they start playing again.]
[Cut to Taub walking into the Lab where Cole is doing a test.]
TAUB: Hey. Brought you something from the cafeteria. [Cole laughs.] It's not a bribe. This is a bribe. [Hands an envelope to Cole.]
COLE: [Looks in the envelope.] How much?
TAUB: One million dollars. [Cole just stares at him.] Five thousand dollars.
COLE: This is so wrong.
TAUB: House specifically said you can use whatever criteria you want. I've got money, you need money.
COLE: [Hands the envelope back.] Hand me that slide.
TAUB: [Hands over the slide.] Right now, you're earning what I'm earning, which is miserable. I know what school your kid's at. I know what it costs. I've seen his picture. He's going to need braces.
[Cut to Kutner, 13 and Foreman in the blood bank.]
KUTNER: No RBC damage.
13: Nothing wrong with storage. I'm going to double-check type and start cultures.
[House walks in.]
FOREMAN: We've still got 32 minutes left.
HOUSE: Time flies, what have you found?
FOREMAN: You're checking up on them. That means Cole's finished with the biopsy, and it was negative.
HOUSE: Inconclusive. Fat doesn't always give you the answer. Need to biopsy his actual organs, lungs, kidneys, liver.
KUTNER: We stick another needle in him, he'll haemorrhage.
HOUSE: Unless we start treatment for amyloidosis.
13: Unless it's not amyloidosis. If he has an infection the radiation will kill him.
HOUSE: Show me evidence of infection.
13: We need more than two hours, some of these cultures will take at least a day to grow.
HOUSE: He'll be dead in a day.
KUTNER: Like he predicted.
HOUSE: No! He'll be half a day off. Would it make you guys feel any better if I let you argue with me for... [Looks at his watch.] Three minutes before I order you to treat for amyloidosis? No. Just treat for amyloidosis. [Starts to leave.]
FOREMAN: No. Don't.
HOUSE: You're playing the Cuddy card?
FOREMAN: That's why I'm here.
HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea.
FOREMAN: I was wrong.
HOUSE: Yeah, me too, you were never fun. Give me the blood. I'm type AB, give me the blood. [Takes off his jacket.]
KUTNER: Whatever's in there could be killing him.
HOUSE: In where? How much tainted blood do you think they keep in here? How many people would have gotten sick...
13: It would have to have been the first batch, the splenectomy, that's when the symptoms started.
HOUSE: [Rolls up his sleeve.] Ok. So transfuse blood from those donors. I'll be fine, we move on, treat for amyloidosis. [Holds out his arms.] Fill 'er up.
[Cut to 13 hanging a bag of blood for House, who is eating cookies.]
HOUSE: I have a new theory. You're not stubborn. You're not getting it checked 'cause you already know the answer. I found an old picture in your wallet.
13: Of course you did.
HOUSE: I wasn't snooping, I needed lunch money. Figure it's your mum, except she looks about 32 years old. The only reason not to update a photo in 20-odd years is she's not talking to you, which would be interesting, or she's dead. Which would also be interesting. [13 gives House a look.] She's dead.
13: So's Grover Cleveland.
HOUSE: Pretty young to have a dead mum. You were even younger 20 years ago. I googled her obituary. Said she died at Newhaven Presbyterian after a long illness. Parkinson's?
13: [Sits down.] Huntington's chorea.
HOUSE: I'm sorry.
13: I'm leaving when this case is over.
HOUSE: No you're not.
13: You don't want a doctor on your team who's slowly losing control of her body and mind.
HOUSE: Huntington's isn't the only thing that causes tremors.
13: You think it's just a coincidence?
HOUSE: I think you're the only one on the team who drinks decaf. I've been switching it out with regular ever since you dropped that file. You're trembling because you're hopped up on caffeine. The first file wasn't my fault. Medical explanation for that is... People drop things.
13: I've been walking around thinking I'm dying.
HOUSE: You are.
13: You don't know that.
HOUSE: With Huntington's, it's inevitable.
13: No, you don't know, because I don't know!
HOUSE: [Surprised.] How could you not get tested? If your mum had it, it's a 50% chance, you're a bomb waiting to explode.
13: Not knowing makes me do things I think I'm scared to do, take flying lessons, climb Kilimanjaro, work for you.
HOUSE: Yeah because if you knew, you couldn't do any of those things. [13 notices something.] What?
13: You're sweating. [Feels his forehead.] You're burning up. House... You're sick.
[Cut to everyone in the diagnostics office, House is sitting down, drinking tea and still sweating.]
KUTNER: Could be pneumococcus. That'd cause chest pain and the stiff neck.
HOUSE: It's not pneumococcus.
KUTNER: Let me check your lymph nodes. [House slaps his hand away.]
HOUSE: I'm not the patient. The patient is the one whose body is shutting down, I'm having a benign transfusion reaction.
AMBER: Pseudomonas would present as an armpit rash, take off your shirt.
HOUSE: You first.
COLE: House, you got to let us do this. We can't biopsy him without bleeding him to death.
HOUSE: You are not biopsying me.
TAUB: How's your stomach? Any diarrhoea?
HOUSE: [Sighs.] The more transfusions you have, the greater the chance of you reacting, I've had three in a decade. Fever will be gone in a couple of hours.
13: I heard somewhere that doctors ignore symptoms because they think they can't get sick.
KUTNER: You told us to give you the blood so that you wouldn't...
HOUSE: I am not sick.
TAUB: Fever is a symptom.
HOUSE: But not of what the patient has! My kidneys are working, I'm not bleeding out of every organ.
HOUSE: This is a waste of time. And it's distracting you from the actual case. [Gets up and starts to walk away but stops after a couple of steps.]
13: What's wrong?
HOUSE: The room is spinning.
COLE: You okay?
HOUSE: No, I'm dizzy, and my mouth just went dry.
KUTNER: Could be a symptom of any number of...
HOUSE: It's a symptom of narcotics. [Looks at his cup of tea.] Who spiked my... [Collapses on the floor.]
[Cut to House still unconscious, 13 and Cole are biopsying him.]
13: What'd you drug him with?
COLE: Amber's nickname is Cut-throat bitch, and you're pointing at me. Got the kidney sample.
13: You're the only one with nothing to lose.
COLE: Could have been you. You don't seem to care if you get this job or not.
13: Yeah, I've been here for eight weeks because my subscription to Masochism Weekly ran out.
COLE: You're the only one who hasn't asked me not to put them on the block.
13: You're either going to pick me or you're not. You're fair enough to try to make the right decision, and arrogant enough that nothing I can say will change your mind. I don't want it to be over, but... unless worrying about it is going to make a difference... [13 starts to ultrasound House. House groans.]
COLE: I'm going to run some stains. [13 stares at Cole.] He'll be less of an ass to you.
[Cole gets out of there as quickly as possible. House wakes up. 13 takes a drink from her bottle of water.]
HOUSE: Patient dead yet?
HOUSE: [Look at his hands and sees that he has been tied to the table.] That's a little much for a first date.
13: Obviously you've never dated me.
HOUSE: Feels like you already got the... lung and kidney samples.
13: Now I just need a piece of your liver.
HOUSE: Hey, you might want to use a little bit of lidocaine...
13: Oh yeah, I forgot. [Jabs the biopsy needle into House. House groans in pain.] Slight pinch.
HOUSE: You drugged me.
13: [Untying House.] You drugged me.
[13 leaves. House sits up, sticks a rubber glove on top of the bottle of water 13 left behind and hobbles out with it.]
[Cut to House in his office, Wilson walks in.]
WILSON: Stopped by the lab. Your mutinous team is starting to worry about life on Pitcairn Island. All your biopsies are clean.
HOUSE: Because there's nothing wrong with me. Did Foreman finally okay the amyloidosis treatment?
WILSON: Patient's scheduled for irradiation at nine. [Sits down.] You risked your life AGAIN. You couldn't be sure he had amyloidosis.
HOUSE: You can't be sure that I couldn't be sure.
WILSON: You did one test, it was negative.
WILSON: Well then, by all means, flood your body with possibly lethal blood.
HOUSE: I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman, but I'm the only one who's type AB.
WILSON: Of course, you're type AB. Universal recipient, you take from everybody.
HOUSE: Of course, you're type O. Universal donor. No wonder you're paying three alimonies.
WILSON: How do you know... What blood type I am?
HOUSE: [Shrugs.] I don't. Just seemed to fit the metaphor.
WILSON: No, no, no, no, no. Did you test my blood for something? Why would you test my blood for something?
HOUSE: I didn't. You must have told me what you were.
WILSON: Who the hell chats about their blood type? You had to have tested me.
HOUSE: [Epiphany.] There's no reason to ask anyone their blood type.
WILSON: You're about to run out of here, aren't you?
[Cut to House walking up to Finn who is being wheeled down the corridor on a bed.]
HOUSE: Nurse, can I have a moment with my patient?
NURSE: He's due in radiation.
HOUSE: It's too late. He's dying.
[They leave him alone with Finn.]
FINN: Told you.
HOUSE: I'm sorry I doubted you. Be a shame if your secrets died with you. Perhaps you've got that trick written down somewhere? Or maybe you want to tell me, and I'll write it down for you. That way... you can live on.
FINN: [Laughs.] I'm taking it with me. See, that way, it stays magic.
HOUSE: You were wrong about everything. It was never magic, and you're not dying. [Finn is surprised.] What's your blood type?
FINN: Type A. [House smiles.] What?
HOUSE: Trust me, it's way cooler to know.
[Cut to House entering the radiation room where Foreman, 13 and Kutner are waiting.]
FOREMAN: Where's Finn?
HOUSE: Up my sleeve. It's not amyloidosis. And his blood's fine, we just gave him the wrong type. Caused the DIC, explains the bleeding, multisystem failures.
13: But we tested his blood.
HOUSE: That's because we don't test blood for type. We test for antibodies.
FOREMAN: Because your body only makes those antibodies when you actually have that type of blood.
HOUSE: Apparently, he has one more symptom, his body's making an extra antibody, type B. Combine that with his natural type A, and presto change-o, he magically pulls blood type AB out of his hat.
FOREMAN: Would you stop that?
HOUSE: God yes!
13: Autoimmune diseases can make antibodies go haywire, but still...
HOUSE: It's happened, and apparently, it's happened again. I finally have a case of lupus. Flush him with saline, transfuse four units type A, start him on steroids. He'll be back hoodwinking idiots in no time.
[Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night.]
[Cut to the 5 numbers sitting in the lecture hall waiting. House walks in carrying a pillow with the red thong laid on top of it. He walks over to Cole.]
HOUSE: Big Love, rise. [Cole stands up, House gets down on one knee in front of Cole and lifts the pillow above his head.] Use their power wisely, my lord.
[Cole takes the thong of the pillow. House stands up and throws the pillow on his desk.]
COLE: I nominate... Amber.
HOUSE: Cut-throat bitch, rise. [Amber stands up and gives a glare to Cole.] You're surprised? You're everyone's pick. [To Cole.] Next victim.
COLE: I nominate... Kutner.
[Kutner looks shocked but stands up.]
HOUSE: Now everyone's surprised. [To Cole.] Why?
COLE: You said I don't have to justify my picks.
HOUSE: No... I said you could use whatever criteria you want, doesn't mean I don't want to know. He was right about this being a real case, he was right about the botched transfusion and he's your love nugget. You've got no reason to pick him. [Cole hangs his head and stares at the ground.] But somebody else does. Kutner's a liability. He electrocuted himself, lit a patient on fire, it's only a matter of time before he burns the hospital down. You made a deal with Cuddy. That's how you got her underwear. She sold it to you for the right to put her choices on the block.
COLE: You said get her underwear, I got it.
HOUSE: Your scheme was brilliant... and you're fired.
COLE: You're all about breaking the rules.
HOUSE: Her rules, not mine. The whole point of this was to subvert Cuddy. You became her partner, gave her power she didn't already have. Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which, sadly is, not as dirty as it sounds. Thanks for playing.
[House leaves. Amber, 13 and Taub go over to Cole to give their commiserations. Kutner leaves without looking at Cole.]
[Cut to 13 walking into House's office with an envelope.]
13: What the hell is this? [Puts the envelope on House's desk.]
HOUSE: [Picks it up and looks at it.] Looks like an envelope with the results of the genetic test for Huntington's inside.
13: Did you look?
HOUSE: I thought it'd be fun to find out together.
13: I don't want to know.
HOUSE: No, you're afraid to know.
13: I might die. So could you, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. The only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?
HOUSE: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me, I'd take them.
13: You spend your whole life looking for answers. Because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?
[13 leaves. House thinks for a few seconds then drops the envelope in the bin unopened.]