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House MD - 4.05 Mirror, Mirror

Originally Aired: Oct 30 2007

Written by: David Foster (II)
Directed by: David Platt

Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly)

Beta'ed by TD (topaz_eyes)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Opens to a dark alley where two young guys are hiding.]

GUY 1: Grandma's got some cash, we can steal that.

GUY 2: What kind of creep are you? We steal from strangers.

GUY 1: Yeah, grandma's not going to call the cops.

GUY 2: Look... Either you start doing this, or you get a job. [Turns and sees a man walking out of a bar.] That guy. You're going to remember that guy for the rest of your life.

[They quickly walk up to the man.]

GUY 1: Hey, how you doing? [The man turns and looks at him and then continues walking.] I said, hey, give me all your cash!

MAN: Why? Want to buy yourself a pretty dress, you little bitch?

GUY 2: [Getting in the man's face.] He ain't kidding, man. Where's your wallet?

MAN: On your sister's nightstand. Forgot it after I paid her.

[Guy 2 pulls out a knife and holds it up to the man's neck.]

GUY 1: Woah, Tony!

GUY 2/ TONY: You want to die tonight? I said where's your wallet?

[The man starts coughing.]

GUY 1: I think he's sick. Maybe you shouldn't...

TONY: He's faking. Go in his pockets, grab his wallet. [Guy 1 does as he's told while the man continues to cough.] Good, let's go. [They start to run off, the man falls to his knees struggling to breathe.]

GUY 1: [Turns around.] You all right, man?

TONY: He's fine, he's faking it. [Tries to drag Guy 1 away but fails.]

GUY 1: [Dials 911.] Yeah, I need an ambulance. At Maple and Fourth. It's a really sick
guy. I think he got mugged. [Tony whacks him on the back of the head.] What?

TONY: Are you happy? Let's go! [They run off.]

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House and the six remaining numbers in the lecture theatre, House is writing on the blackboard.]

HOUSE: Today, we are hunting for the cat burglar of diseases. Causes a healthy man's lungs to fail, leaves no fingerprints.

COLE: Respiratory distress could be asthma.

HOUSE: No hyperinflation on the X-ray.

KUTNER: Food allergy. Could have eaten shellfish or peanuts.

HOUSE: No hives. No erythema on the skin. [Cuddy and Foreman walk in.]

13: Pulmonary embolism.

HOUSE: Embolisms don't magically dissolve. [To Foreman.] What are you doing here?

FOREMAN: Laryngospasm. [Everyone turns to look at him.] Frosty fall air hits his vocal chords, they spasm shut... Choke him out.

HOUSE: Good idea. You've been tremendously helpful, you can leave.

CUDDY: I just hired him.

HOUSE: Well I fired him. To infinity.

FOREMAN: [To Cuddy.] You didn't tell him I was coming back?

HOUSE: She did, I said no.

CUDDY: When your extended job interview slash reality TV show killed a patient, you lost your veto power. Everybody, this is Dr. Foreman, he will...

AMBER: Does this mean there's one less slot for us? [Everyone looks at House, House in turn looks at Cuddy. Everyone looks at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: It's still Dr. House's department. He decides who stays, who goes...

HOUSE: Foreman goes!

CUDDY: But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge. [Starts to leave.]

HOUSE: Oh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls? [Foreman rolls his eyes and looks at Cuddy, who smiles and leaves.] If you want to keep your jobs, that never happened. The only way to get the cat burglar is to catch him in the act. Give the patient a methacholine challenge, see if it sets off laryngospasm.

BRENNAN: You want us to stop his breathing?

HOUSE: Well, only until you can figure out why. After that it'd be irresponsible. [The numbers leave, Foreman stays.] You and I should talk.

[Cut to House and Foreman walking down the corridor.]
FOREMAN: I'm sorry, she didn't have to do that publicly.

HOUSE: Yes she did! She had to establish her dominance in front of them, limit my power.

FOREMAN: There's nothing we can do.

HOUSE: Well, that's not the never-say-never Dr. Foreman I know. There's lots we can do.

FOREMAN: Not really, Cuddy won't...

HOUSE: I can make you miserable.

FOREMAN: That's true.

HOUSE: Until you quit, again. So why don't we just skip the middleman?

FOREMAN: I'm not quitting.

HOUSE: My god, not everything's about you, and your little job, and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe.

FOREMAN: I'm not quitting.

HOUSE: You're going to be miserable.

FOREMAN: I already am miserable. [Leaves.]

[Cut to the patient running on a treadmill, Amber and Brennan are running the test.]

AMBER: Cuddy obviously thinks we're idiots, she's not going to let House hire any one of us.

BRENNAN: Tidal volume's holding at 1.2 litres. Increase the dose.

AMBER: So which master do we serve? Whose ass do we have to kiss to get this job?

BRENNAN: You really want this job so bad? How about you try doing this job? Double the dose
to 16 milligrams per millilitre.

PATIENT: [Spits out the tube in his mouth.] My foot's tingling. Is that normal?

BRENNAN: [Talks into the microphone.] No. What exactly does it...

PATIENT: And my stomach's killing me. Could this test cause that stuff?

AMBER: [In the microphone.] No.

[Cut to Chase in the nurses station handing a ticket to someone.]

AMBER: Test was a bust.

CHASE: Amber has moved down to even money.

AMBER: We found two new symptoms.

CHASE: Oh. Back to 2-1.

AMBER: What's going on?

KUTNER: You're the favourite.

AMBER: House's?

KUTNER: To get fired.

CHASE: You can bet against yourself. Lovely parting gift.

AMBER: What's the limit?

CHASE: Isn't one.

AMBER: 500 on Kutner.

KUTNER: Oh, 1000 on Amber.

AMBER: Do you take cheques?

CHASE: No.

[Cut to Foreman writing on the blackboard in the lecture theatre.]

FOREMAN: How do we connect abdominal pain, and numbness in the extremities, with respiratory collapse?

BRENNAN: Dissecting aortic aneurysm.

FOREMAN: Doesn't cover all three. What else?

[House walks in, everyone looks at him.]

HOUSE: Carry on, he's the boss. [Sits down between 13 and Kutner.]

TAUB: Uh, what about a spinal cord lesion?

FOREMAN: Have to be in the brain stem and it still doesn't explain the lungs.

HOUSE: Weird, though... That he's the boss. Didn't he quit recently? Was it a money issue?

FOREMAN: Lungs, stomach, numbness?

HOUSE: No that wasn't it, it was something else... Was it bling account? Med plan didn't cover tattoo removal?

FOREMAN: We have to unify these symptoms.

HOUSE: Oh! I remember. You don't want to turn into me. Right? You didn't want to become evil.

FOREMAN: Can we stick to the medicine here?

HOUSE: Absolutely. I'm just flattered. In a few short weeks, seems like I've just turned towards the light. I mean... either that or you've sold your soul.

FOREMAN: Multiple marantic emboli could...

HOUSE: Get a raise? 'Cause then you're a whore. Or didn't you? 'Cause then you're a stupid whore. [House's pager goes off.] Patient just crashed. [Everyone just sits there.] Can they go, boss? [Foreman nods. They run off.]

FOREMAN: You're right.

HOUSE: But?

FOREMAN: No but. You're right about all of it.

HOUSE: Well, then, I'll see you at the reunion. [Stands up to leave.]

FOREMAN: It seems I didn't get out of here soon enough. The world thinks I've been corrupted, so no one will hire me. I hate being here. I'd love to quit... but I can't. [Foreman leaves.]

[Cut to the numbers running up to the patient who is on the floor.]

13: He's got a pulse.

KUTNER: Must be another respiratory collapse. Means this is our chance to prove laryngospasm.

AMBER: We need to tube him and bag him.

KUTNER: We will, right after we figure out...

AMBER: If we just let him die, it doesn't matter what he has.

KUTNER: Brennan, tilt his head back so I can get a straight shot.

AMBER: Okay, while you're killing him... I'll get the intubation kit.

[House walks up to Foreman who is watching the numbers.]

HOUSE: I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.

FOREMAN: Thanks.

HOUSE: So I'm going to humiliate Cuddy, until she fires you.

FOREMAN: Guy's faking. It's Munchausen’s. You notice the EMT run sheet? [Hands a file to House.] Paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

HOUSE: Well. [Cole runs past.] If the name was Attila Von Weinerschnitzel, I'd say you might be on to something.

FOREMAN: Look. [Points to the white board listing all the patients.] Room 406, abdominal pain. Room 403, left-sided numbness. 402, syncope. He's copying his neighbours' symptoms.

HOUSE: [Studies the board.] No.

FOREMAN: Yeah, coincidence is much more likely than you being a stubborn jerk.

HOUSE: Munchausen's patients create symptoms, not names.

FOREMAN: Munchausen's patients have medical histories they don't want us reading.

TAUB: No laryngeal spasm.

13: Breathing's resumed normal rate. Without intubation.

FOREMAN: See? Nothing's wrong with him.

HOUSE: He's in a lab coat. Munchausen's pretend to be patients, not doctors. He's got mirror syndrome.

FOREMAN: Giovannini's?

HOUSE: Do you know another mirror syndrome? Brain's got no idea who he is, where he is or what he is. But it fills the holes with whatever dirt's lying around. He reads a name tag, he's got a name. Sees a doctor, he's got a job. Sees symptoms, he's got a problem.

FOREMAN: My explanation's simpler.

HOUSE: Well if it's simple, then we discharge the nut bar. But if it's complicated, then the nut bar has got brain damage.

FOREMAN: So we let him jerk them around for a few days until we're sure?

HOUSE: No, we let him jerk you around. There's a faster way.

[Cut to House entering the OR in scrubs with the patient, also in scrubs.]

HOUSE: Mind if we play through?

WILSON: Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

HOUSE: What's going on here, Martin?

PATIENT: Operation?

WILSON: House, who is this guy?

HOUSE: Excellent question. Who are you, Martin? [Patient opens his mouth to talk but says nothing.] He just likes to watch, do stuff.

WILSON: Number ten scalpel for initial incision. Glad you're here, House.

HOUSE: Of course you are. [To the patient.] It's lecture time.

WILSON: Yeah, it is. Stop worrying about the power play.

HOUSE: Was that it? I think you can go a lot deeper here. I mean, WHY am I so obsessed by all of this?

WILSON: You're threatened by Foreman and feel the need to impress Cuddy. The only thing that's relevant is Foreman is a good doctor. He can help you, lighten the load.

HOUSE: Good idea. I'll have him sort my mail.

PATIENT: Sure! Deflect.

WILSON: Who is this guy?!

HOUSE: I think we just found out.

PATIENT: It's all about Cuddy. Got to be the alpha dog. [House smiles.] Can almost smell the pheromones now, huh?

WILSON: I like him.

PATIENT: Hah.

HOUSE: [Looks up at Foreman in the observation room as the patient grabs a scalpel.] Told you I didn't need you.

FOREMAN: House! [House stops the patient just before he starts operating on the person. House notices something wrong with the patient's hand and pulls off the glove. The hand looks freaky, can see all the veins through the skin.]

WILSON: House, what is going on?

HOUSE: [Cuts the patient's hand with a scalpel]

PATIENT: Owww! [Cut barely bleeds.]

HOUSE: Your blood's turned to sludge. If we don't heat you up, you're going to die. [Looks up at Foreman.] Can't fake that!

[Cut to House followed by Foreman and the numbers exiting the elevator.]

HOUSE: Mirror syndrome patients have no agenda, no axe to grind. They can read you because they have to. Moods, attitudes, everything. They're like mind readers. Except they can read your mind.

FOREMAN: Where are we going?

HOUSE: Unfortunately, we have to cure him. His hand wasn't black when he came in, the operating room was sterile, the only thing different was the temperature. Cold agglutinins means...

AMBER: It's got to be some kind of infection.

COLE: No fever, so it's got to be a tiny infection, hard to find.

HOUSE: You'd better find it fast. This guy feels another cool breeze, his blood turns to slop and he drops. [Walks into the cafeteria.] I need three ways to pinpoint infection.

KUTNER: Blood cultures.

HOUSE: Blood's clumpy. Nothing you can do with it.

KUTNER: Unless we soak him in warm water before we draw it.

HOUSE: Good, what else?

TAUB: Ultrasound his abdomen, look for an abscess.

HOUSE: Good. [House stands on a chair.] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. Kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate... well, the food, should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Dr. Cuddy. [Everyone starts to leave.]

FOREMAN: You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing every doctor in the building.

HOUSE: It's her building, her doctors. Still need one more.

COLE: Well, we need to find out his history. Where he's been, what he's done.

BRENNAN: Yeah he has no memory, but his bio's tattooed to his rear?

FOREMAN: [Gets up on the chair.] The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.

HOUSE: Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two N's in university. [Everyone continues to leave.] Big Love was right. History's the key.

BRENNAN: No ID, no wallet. No missing persons report filed for a hundred miles.

HOUSE: The key is the key. He had car keys in his pocket when he was admitted. [To Amber.] Keep him in the isolation room, so he doesn't pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses. [To 13.] Run the ultrasound [To Taub.] and the blood cultures.

KUTNER: The cultures were my idea.

HOUSE: No one's keeping score... You're losing. [To Cole.] Search the street where he was mugged, find the car and the registration.

COLE: There could be thousands of cars. Why do I get this assignment?

HOUSE: Because if you deal with the patient, he's going to wind up singing Osmond songs and proposing to five nurses at once.

13: I'll go with Cole.

HOUSE: Ooh. We have a love connection. [House leaves.]

[Cut to Amber with the patient in ICU.]

AMBER: Make a fist... Little pinch. [Starts to draw blood.]

PATIENT: Wow, that's a strong pinch.

AMBER: This thing works, you're lucky you've got me. My colleague wanted to cook you in boiling water. [Pulls out the vial of blood and looks at it.]

PATIENT: That's right, baby. My blood's that good.

AMBER: That's supposed to be me, right?

PATIENT: No. That's me. I'm always right. Got to be.

AMBER: I don't think I'm always...

PATIENT: If they don't like you, you got to be right, or you're not worth anything.

[Cut to Taub doing an ultrasound.]

TAUB: Infections can hide deep beneath the skin. This will find them.

PATIENT: Who was that last doctor?

TAUB: Dr. Amber Volakis.

PATIENT: Don't really need her name.

TAUB: [Smiles, looks at the screen then back at the patient.] Wait. You saying that... You... I want--her?

PATIENT: Don't know what you want. Don't care what you want.

TAUB: I'm married.

PATIENT: So am I.

TAUB: Even if I wasn't, She's a little too, uh... aggressive for me.

PATIENT: Hey. Aggressive is never a bad thing.

TAUB: [Smiles.] Yeah, true. [Patient laughs and gives Taub a high five. Taub sees something on the screen.] I'm done.

PATIENT: You okay?

TAUB: Yeah. We've got to run some more tests. You can clean yourself up. [Hands him a cloth.]

[Cut to House and Wilson exiting the elevator.]

WILSON: Lesion on the liver. Cystic or solid?

HOUSE: Solid.

WILSON: Well, you certainly did the right thing by coming to me.

HOUSE: Yes, I needed a smug oncologist...

WILSON: An authoritative oncologist.

HOUSE: I hate you. Tell me why.

WILSON: I've been scanning literature, very interesting study in Sweden. Apparently, Giovannini's patients mimic whoever they think's in charge.

HOUSE: Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight.

WILSON: I am in charge of our relationship.

HOUSE: It was a surgery. You were the surgeon. In that setting...

WILSON: You would pick up my laundry if I asked you to.

HOUSE: Go ahead, ask.

WILSON: Oh, I wouldn't do that to you.

[They walk into the lecture theatre which is empty. On the whiteboard is Clinic written backwards.]

[Cut to House entering the Clinic which is very busy.]

HOUSE: I want all my personal private doctors back right now. Except for Foreman.

CUDDY: Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the great mayonnaise panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents.

[House goes looking for his team, opens exam room one where Kutner is examining a woman.]

HOUSE: Lesion on the liver. Possibility... Why are you doing a pelvic for food poisoning?

KUTNER: She said her hoo hoo burned.

[House leaves and opens exam room two, Amber is examining an old guy with his shirt off.]

HOUSE: Lesion on the liver, ideas?

AMBER: Start with a biopsy to rule out cancer.

KUTNER: [From the other room.] Could be an abscess.

AMBER: Needle works for that too.

BRENNAN: [Walking past.] Unless it's a vascular hemangioma. Aspirate that, he'll bleed out, we'll kill him.

HOUSE: If he bleeds out we'll know what he had.

AMBER: Had?

HOUSE: Two diagnoses out of three he lives. We do nothing three out of three he dies. [To Brennan.] Go stick his liver.

TAUB: Where's Foreman? We should...

HOUSE: You need him to draft your letter of resignation?

TAUB: You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy?

HOUSE: What? No, that would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [Turns around to the clinic full of people.] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [A bunch of people stick up their hand.] Michael Moore was right. MRI's, pet scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

[Cut to Brennan sticking a large needle into the patient.]

BRENNAN: Sorry, I missed. [Pulls the needle back out.] I have to reposition the needle. You're going to feel another pinch. [Patient groans.] You still with me?

PATIENT: I'm here.

BRENNAN: You feeling faint?

PATIENT: No.

BRENNAN: What's wrong?

PATIENT: It's personal.

BRENNAN: [Raises his eyebrows.] You got personal problems? You've got no memory.

PATIENT: I'm in a hospital. I don't want to be in a hospital. [Brennan sticks the needle back in.]

BRENNAN: Well... you're sick, so...

PATIENT: I'm bored. You ask what's wrong, then you ignore the answer, just go on with what you're doing. You think everything's okay as long as you don't think about it, don't deal with it. [Brennan stares at the fluid in the syringe.] Is that blood?

BRENNAN: I think it's pus from a fungus.

PATIENT: I have fungus in me?

BRENNAN: If you've been in the tropics in the last few months. I saw this in tsunami survivors. Their skin grafts would ooze black pus, sometimes weeks later. Traced the fungus back to the sand in the tsunami tides.

PATIENT: [Impressed.] That's so cool.

[Cut to Brennan in House's office.]

BRENNAN: I think the black pus is fungal. If I'm right, that's where the cold agglutinins are coming from, that's what's driving his memory loss. Amber's putting him on amphotericin, it will cure him.

HOUSE: This makes no sense.

BRENNAN: I'm doing blood tests to be sure, but the sooner we get him on...

HOUSE: I'm not talking about the infection. I'm talking about you letting Tonya Harding administer the treatment.

BRENNAN: I'm out of the game.

HOUSE: Why?

BRENNAN: A couple of weeks ago you named me grumpy, said I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back in the Third world.

HOUSE: And you realised I'm right just now?

BRENNAN: I got a confirmation.

HOUSE: The patient's nuts.

BRENNAN: The patient's... unbiased. The patient has no axe to grind.

HOUSE: The patient is nuts.

BRENNAN: I miss my old life helping people who barely have clean water, let alone the kind of medicines we waste by the SUV load.

HOUSE: You're nuts. You're going to be miserable, at home, at work, somewhere. The goal in life is not to eliminate misery, it's to keep misery to the minimum.

BRENNAN: Oh, that's inspiring.

HOUSE: You said you came back to get married. What does your fiancée do?

BRENNAN: She's a court reporter.

HOUSE: Uh-huh, well I'm sure Thailand will have courts any day now. Someone's going to be miserable sometime. Accept it. It's how I stay so happy.

BRENNAN: Why do you care if I stay?

HOUSE: You're good. Don't screw it up just because you're miserable.

BRENNAN: I'm going to--stay until the patient's cured. Which should be in about... an hour. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Kutner and Amber with the patient.]

KUTNER: You okay?

PATIENT: Not okay.

AMBER: Which one of us is he mirroring?

KUTNER: Well if it was you, he'd be inflicting pain on someone else, so... [Pulls the sheets off his bed. The patients legs look like his hand did earlier in the OR.] I'd say he's mimicking whichever
one of us happens to be dying. [Patient groans.]

[Cut to view of patient sitting in a hot tub, then to everyone in the lecture theatre.]

KUTNER: Heating blanket wasn't keeping him warm enough. Ordered a whirlpool, got his blood flowing. So far, it's keeping his rash at bay.

HOUSE: Rash worse equals cold agglutinins worse. Means what was in his liver wasn't fungus.

BRENNAN: Yeah, labs confirmed...

AMBER: That it wasn't even pus, it was just coagulated blood caused by the cold agglutinins.

HOUSE: Which you [Points at Brennan] mistook for a cool fungus that you saw after the tsunami.

BRENNAN: Same consistency...

HOUSE: You saw what you wanted to see, not what was there. Wait a second. Didn't you quit?

BRENNAN: I spoke to my fiancée, I'm staying.

HOUSE: Of course you are. Because you're the exact right amount of miserable.

FOREMAN: Broad spectrum antibiotics aren't working. It's got to be viral or exotic bacteria.

TAUB: There are a thousand microbes it could be.

KUTNER: We could repeat all the cultures, maybe we just missed it.

HOUSE: Or... we can get an accurate history. [Dials a number on his phone.]

[We see 13 and Cole standing outside a car impound. Two dogs are standing on the other side of the fence barking at them. Cole is hiding pills in some ground beef. 13 answers the phone.]

13: We're working on it.

HOUSE: Well, that'll be a good solace to the widow X.

13: His car was towed and the tow gate's locked. The guys must be out on a run.

HOUSE: That's why I sent two of you. One of you breaks in, the other posts bail.

13: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.

HOUSE: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs, right?

[They both hang up, Cole throws the meat over the fence, the dogs run after it. Cut back to the lecture theatre.]

FOREMAN: So, back to repeating all the cultures.

HOUSE: Or... we get an accurate history.

TAUB: Didn't we just rule out that possibility?

HOUSE: You guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Come on. [Sits down on the edge of the desk.] Sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, the immune system's the police... Seriously, grumpy, get up here. [Pats the desk beside him.] It'll make us both happy. [Brennan looks unsure of whether to go or not but stays put.] Anyway, cops don't just let crooks run free. They keep fingerprints, mug shots. The immune system does the same thing, only it calls them antibodies. We find out what diseases he's had in his life, good chance that'll tell us where he's been in his life. Alice. [Points to Kutner.] Your turn through the looking glass. Draw blood and CSF.

[The fellows all start to leave.]

FOREMAN: Wait, guys. I haven't signed off on this. [Everyone stops, looks at Foreman, then looks at House, who is ignoring them, then they leave, except for Taub who walks up to Foreman.]

TAUB: You seem like a good guy, Cuddy seems decent. House... doesn't. It means either you're going to give in, or Cuddy is. Either way... I'm sorry. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron pulling a bullet out of someone's thigh in ER.]

FOREMAN: Your boyfriend has me at even odds.

CAMERON: So... Talk to him.

FOREMAN: I did. He said he's just responding to market forces.

CAMERON: He is. I got a hundred on you. [Foreman rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.] What do you care what other people are betting on?

FOREMAN: If he's trying to screw with me because he's jealous Cuddy didn't ask him to take this job...

CAMERON: Right. You're figuring he's jealous of your misery.

FOREMAN: He's messed up enough to...

CAMERON: The problem is you're not miserable.

FOREMAN: Then House has been wasting a lot of time.

CAMERON: You've been humiliated, treated like crap. You've every right to be miserable, but you're not, because even though this job is insane and House is insane, you like it. You always have.

FOREMAN: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong.

CAMERON: See? You belong with House.

[Cut to Kutner sticking a needle into the patients back who is in a hot tub.]

KUTNER: We're going to use your spinal fluid to tell us where you lived.

PATIENT: Cool.

KUTNER: Not really. It's a poor substitute for an actual history, and without...

PATIENT: Nah, it's cool.

KUTNER: [Smiles.] Yes, it is. I need you to stay as still as possible. Ignore the pain.

PATIENT: Bring the pain. [Grimaces.]

KUTNER: I'm not a masochist.

PATIENT: Neither am I.

KUTNER: I know, but I was responding to you responding to... Never mind. I just like experience. If it's new, it's interesting.

PATIENT: Yeah? Not me. I don't just like new. I've got to have new. If it's not there, I make it there.

KUTNER: Really, I'm just easily bored.

PATIENT: There are 300 million people in this country. If I'm doing exactly what everyone else is doing, then who the hell am I? You know what I mean?

KUTNER: I'm just about finished.

PATIENT: I like hot tubs. They're nice.

[Cut to Cuddy in House's office looking for House's Vicodin stash, Wilson walks in and makes her jump.]

CUDDY: You don't knock?

WILSON: Are you putting KY jelly on his phone receiver? An exploding snake in his drawer?

CUDDY: No. I'm replacing his Vicodin stash with laxatives.

WILSON: Don't. Don't stoop to his level.

CUDDY: Why? Because he's suddenly going to realise he's no longer 14? Either I take his garbage forever, or I give him a reason to stop.

WILSON: You don't have to make him miserable. Just... make him think that he's won.

CUDDY: I'm not going to fire Foreman.

WILSON: I said THINK he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. The thing's big enough. You must be able to find some corner to polish.

CUDDY: [Putting away the pills.] Where were you two hours ago?

WILSON: Where were you?

[Cut to sound of toilet flushing and House walking out of the toilet. Brennan and Foreman are waiting for him.]

HOUSE: What do you have?

BRENNAN: High titers to histoplasmosis.

HOUSE: Probably lived in the Ohio river valley.

BRENNAN: Also weakly positive on coccidiomycosis.

HOUSE: Weak means older. Means he moved to Ohio from the San Joaquin valley.

FOREMAN: Or he happened to visit California.

BRENNAN: He's also positive for Chagas disease.

HOUSE: Central America.

FOREMAN: Or he kissed his maid from El Salvador. Or he sat next to someone from Belize on a flight to Weehawken or he ate lettuce from Honduras...

HOUSE: Yes! You're right, buzz kill. This tells us next to nothing. But since that's on the something side of nothing, thought we'd go with it.

[Kutner walks up to House.]

KUTNER: His rash is back. Hot tub isn't hot enough to keep his body warm.

HOUSE: So we take his body out of the picture. Let's hit it from the inside. Lipopolysaccharide.

[Kutner and Brennan leave to give the treatment, House quickly walks back to the toilet.]

[Cut to Foreman standing outside the cubicle.]

FOREMAN: LPS won't just give him a fever. He could hit 110, fry his brain.

HOUSE: Or make him just toasty enough to keep his blood flowing free. Like my bowels. You smell that? Not going to get sweeter.

FOREMAN: You nailed Brennan for seeing what he wanted to see. You're no different.

HOUSE: But you are. You used to like this stuff. You left here because you didn't like what you were turning into. You like who you are now? You like being Cuddy's errand boy? [Flushes as Foreman leaves.] That was just a courtesy flush. I'm not actually done.

[Cut to Cuddy and House in the hallway.]

CUDDY: You want to induce a fever?

HOUSE: Unless you're willing to don a white T-shirt and hop into the hot tub with him, I need another way to keep him warm, or he dies.

CUDDY: You could maim him.

HOUSE: I could cure him.

CUDDY: I'm not letting you do it.

HOUSE: Are you going to fire me?

CUDDY: No. [House walks away.]

HOUSE: Wait a second. What the hell was that? You were won over by my soaring rhetoric? I basically just threatened to hold my breath... You never intended to stop me. You just pretended to stop me, so you could pretend to fail to stop me, so you could stroke my ego. Uh-Uh. War doesn't end till Foreman's gone.

CUDDY: Foreman's not going anywhere.

HOUSE: And... I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills? [Leaves Cuddy looking worried.]

[Cut to Foreman with the patient who is still in the hot tub.]

FOREMAN: If we can keep your fever up, we can get you back on dry land. You feeling okay?

PATIENT: Surprisingly, yeah, I feel pretty good.

FOREMAN: That's not the way fevers usually work.

PATIENT: Nothing around here works the way it's supposed to work.

FOREMAN: No kidding.

PATIENT: You're giving me a fever. Doctors don't give people fevers.

FOREMAN: It was necessary to keep your blood flowing.

PATIENT: Yeah. It was necessary. And that was all that mattered. It's exciting, isn't it?

FOREMAN: You're happy?

PATIENT: [Laughs.] Why wouldn't I be? [Collapses. Monitors go off.]

FOREMAN: Oh hey. [Feels for a pulse.] Hey, you with me? [Runs to the door.] I need help in here! [Two nurses, Taub and Kutner come running in.] V-fib. We've got to shock him.

TAUB: Get him out of the water.

KUTNER: How long's he been out?

FOREMAN: Just a few seconds. [They pull him out of the tub and onto the bed and start trying to dry him.]

KUTNER: He's dry enough.

TAUB: Not yet!

KUTNER: Dry faster.

FOREMAN: Ten more seconds.

KUTNER: He'll get brain damage, you need...

FOREMAN: Kutner, you'll arc it...

TAUB: Wait.

KUTNER: He's dry enough. Clear. [Shocks the patient and goes flying backwards.]

TAUB: [Feeling the patient for a pulse.] It worked.

FOREMAN: For one of them. [Looks at Kutner who is unconscious on the floor.]

[Cut to the lecture theatre.]

TAUB: Cardiac arrest. We were able to shock him back to a normal sinus rhythm and Kutner nearly into a coma.

HOUSE: So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.

KUTNER: Thank you.

TAUB: It wasn't a compliment.

HOUSE: Yeah, it was. The insult comes now. You're insane! You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym...

FOREMAN: Anybody think we should discuss which infection is causing the cold agglutinins before they stop his heart again?

HOUSE: Sure, why not?

TAUB: Until they find his car, we have to assume he's travelled to Ohio, California, Central America, and possibly Weehawken.

AMBER: Nothing on the blood cultures.

HOUSE: Do them again. Quadruple run time. [Everyone starts to get up.]

FOREMAN: We know the infection is in his heart. We do a biopsy, we see polys, we got bacterial. Lymphs, we got viral.

BRENNAN: He just had a heart attack. Ripping out a piece might kill him.

FOREMAN: Yeah, yeah... We biopsy his toe instead!

HOUSE: No! That's a terrible idea. Won't tell us anything. Biopsy his heart. Come on, I'll join you.

[House and Foreman leave.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the elevator.]

HOUSE: I got you a job. Mount Zion hospital in Boston.

FOREMAN: They have a great diagnostics department.

HOUSE: Gilchrist said he'd take you anyway.

FOREMAN: That was... Very nice of you.

HOUSE: Oh, god. Does everything have to be about you? It's simple math. I'm not going to back down. You're not going to back down. Cuddy's not going to back down. No one's going to be happy here. And Cuddy's going to end up pregnant. [Elevator dings.]

FOREMAN: What? [The exit the elevator.]

HOUSE: Doesn't matter.

FOREMAN: Are you saying? What does you having sex with...

HOUSE: Starts Monday. I could help you pack.

FOREMAN: I don't want the job. [House stops walking.]

HOUSE: What? Why not? You're miserable.

FOREMAN: Apparently not.

HOUSE: Well, you're gonna be. [Foreman smiles.] Are you smiling?

FOREMAN: No.

HOUSE: Do your own stupid biopsy.

[Foreman smiles as he walks off.]

[Cut to House entering his office where Cole and 13 are waiting for him.]

13: His name's Robert Elliot. He's from Hamilton, Ohio.

COLE: Here's everything he had in his trunk and in his glove box.

HOUSE: [Looks inside the box.] No need for the heart biopsy. I now know exactly who he is and what he has. You saved his life.

COLE: Really?

HOUSE: No, you idiot. It's vapour rub and lunch receipts.

COLE: We have his name. We can find his doctor, get his medical records.

HOUSE: It's 8:00 at night. The biopsy will be faster. Not fast enough to save him, but that's hardly the point. [13 and Cole start to leave.] Thirteen. [They both turn around.] [To Cole.] Is your name Thirteen? [Cole leaves.] Why did you volunteer to go street walking?

13: I thought I could help that way.

HOUSE: A black Mormon could help that way. There's no reason for you to want to be there. Which means there's a reason you didn't want to be here. Didn't want to look in the mirror?

[House leaves, 13 follows.]

[Cut to House and 13 entering the patients room while Foreman is doing something.]

HOUSE: Hi. Cuddy called. She needs you to iron her shirts. We'll take over. [Pushes 13 forward.] Go ahead. [Motions for Foreman to leave. He does so. 13 moves close to the patient while still putting her gloves on.] Talk to him.

13: Uh... you might feel a little tug when the catheter's in the heart.

HOUSE: Come on. Make him feel comfortable.

13: I've done this procedure dozens of times. It's completely...

PATIENT: My god. You are incredibly hot.

HOUSE: I'm not here, deal with her. [13 smiles.]

PATIENT: Are you an idiot? Do you not think she's hot?

HOUSE: I'm not the alpha here. She is. She's my boss.

13: [Looking at the patient hand.] The rash is back.

HOUSE: Increase the drip. If... you think that's the right thing to do.

PATIENT: This is so frustrating.

13: I don't think that's me.

[House leaves the room and walks over to Kutner.]

HOUSE: Hey. Get in there, see how he's doing.

KUTNER: You were just in there.

HOUSE: Well, apparently, it's impossible to see anything else while I'm in there. I'm a blinding white hot light of power.

[Cut back to 13 with the patient.]

13: Got it. Pink. Good size. Nice specimen.

PATIENT: I'm scared.

13: It's okay, it's going to be okay.

PATIENT: No. No, it's not.

[Cut back to House and Kutner still outside the room.]

HOUSE: No, I'm not interested in how he's doing. I'm interested in how she's doing. So get in there and tell me how he's doing.

KUTNER: You think he'll mimic her if I'm in there with her?

HOUSE: You're a powerful, dominating man, but who knows?

KUTNER: So I'm going to get fired before her.

HOUSE: Yes, you're going to get fired right now unless you get in there... [13 walks out.]

13: Nothing on the biopsy.

HOUSE: And how is he?

13: His fever's at 106...

HOUSE: I know. But how is he? Bitter? Sexually frustrated?

13: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back.

KUTNER: He needs the meds and the tub. Just to keep him stable.

HOUSE: Fine. Soak him again.

KUTNER: He'll be happy. Loves hot tubs.

HOUSE: No, you love hot tubs. Find the rest of the gang, tell them to meet me at the lecture hall.

KUTNER: [Mumbles.] Hate hot tubs.

HOUSE: What did you say?

KUTNER: I hate...

HOUSE: He likes. Who else was in there?

KUTNER: No-one.

HOUSE: You didn't think to mention that?

KUTNER: The guy likes warm, swirling water. I didn't know that was diagnostic.

HOUSE: It's not. What it is, is the water hit him and he had a thought. Not about you, but about him. We need to splash him some more.

[Cut to House walking in to the patient's room dressed in the patient's clothes, polished leather shoes, brown pants, a sports jacket. Hair brushed, no cane. Twirling the patients car keys and carrying the box of stuff they got from his car.]

PATIENT: Do I know you?

HOUSE: You look familiar.

PATIENT: You too.

HOUSE: My name's Robert Elliot. I'm from Hamilton, Ohio.

PATIENT: Me too. What do you do?

HOUSE: Stuff.

PATIENT: Me too.

HOUSE: What brings you to New Jersey? Is it work or vacation?

PATIENT: Uh... Work.

HOUSE: What type of work?

PATIENT: I'm tired.

[House looks down at the patients hand, the rash is back. Looks at the monitor, it shows his fever is at 107.]

HOUSE: I eat out a lot. In a lot of restaurants. [Opens the box starts pulling out receipts.] Knotty Pine. Ritchies.

PATIENT: I know those places.

HOUSE: They're good, huh?

PATIENT: They're convenient.

HOUSE: For what?

PATIENT: They're on the road.

HOUSE: You on the road a lot?

PATIENT: No more than you I suppose.

HOUSE: [Pulls out the vapour rub.] You ever use this stuff? I use it all the time. [Smells it.]

PATIENT: I use it all the time.

HOUSE: Yeah. I just said that. You know, the cool thing about this stuff is... You can do a lot with it. Soften your skin, treat scrapes. Naughty stuff. [House holds it out for the patient. The patient takes it and rubs some under his nose then breathes in deeply.] Why did you do that?

PATIENT: Because... It doesn't smell like dung.

HOUSE: You're saying you like the smell?

PATIENT: Not really. Just doesn't smell like dung.

HOUSE: Something else does smell like dung?

PATIENT: Yeah. Dung.

[Cut to House leaving the patients room. Looks at Foreman, 13 and Kutner, who are waiting for him.]

HOUSE: You guys ready? Now is the time you stare at me, in slack-jawed amazement. He sells farm equipment. [They look surprised.] See? Pig lagoons, pig farms. [Takes off the jacket.] And, as every child knows, where you have pigs, you have pig poo. [Roughs up his hair.] But as very few children know, where you have pig poo, you have eperythrozoon infection.

13: We'll start him on clarithromycin. [Hands House his cane.]

HOUSE: This time tomorrow, he'll be back to his old self. Whoever that might be.

[Everyone but Foreman start to go.]

FOREMAN: It can wait.

KUTNER: He has a temperature of 107.

FOREMAN: It can wait 15 minutes. [To House.] You know where Cuddy is?

[Cut to House and Cuddy in the patients room.]

CUDDY: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.

HOUSE: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.

[Wilson, Foreman and the numbers are watching through the window.]

WILSON: So what if it's House?

FOREMAN: Then I take the job at Mount Zion.

WILSON: There is no job at Mount Zion.

FOREMAN: House said that...

WILSON: Well if House said it, it must be true.

[Back inside.]

CUDDY: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a reason.

HOUSE: She doesn't fire me, she never will fire me, she needs me.

CUDDY: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I...

HOUSE: She's hot for me. Always...

PATIENT: Shut up!

CUDDY: Well, that could have been either of us.

PATIENT: [Looks at Cuddy.] You have great yabos. [House looks at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: That still could have been either of us. [Looks at House.]

HOUSE: You lose.

CUDDY: Seriously... [House starts celebrating.] I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.

FOREMAN: Damn. [House continues celebrating.]

[Cut to House addressing the numbers in the lecture theatre. While practically the whole hospital watches on at the back.]

HOUSE: You all suck. The two of you, [Points to Cole and 13] took 14 hours to find a car. You, [Kutner.] forgot to mention that the guy with no memory, had memories. You [Brennan.] keep on thinking, that insane guys have hidden wisdom. You're going to wind up shooting people on the subway. [Looks at the other two.] Something.

TAUB: So, which one of us sucks the most?

HOUSE: It's a tie.

AMBER: Between?

HOUSE: All of you.

AMBER: We're all fired?

HOUSE: None of you are fired. [The numbers breathe a big sigh of relief. Everyone standing at the back leaves disappointed, except Chase who smiles.]

[Cut to House leaving, Foreman follows.]

FOREMAN: That was nice of you.

HOUSE: Sure.

FOREMAN: Why didn't you fire anyone?

HOUSE: They're good doctors.

FOREMAN: Right, why didn't you let Brennan quit?

HOUSE: He's a good doctor.

FOREMAN: Right... By not letting anyone go, you made six people happy and one person happy and rich. Chase won every one of those bets, so either you're just really nice or what's your cut?

HOUSE: 50%... How bad you want to keep your job?

FOREMAN: I'll keep my mouth shut

HOUSE: Hey.. You actually do want to stay, don't you?

FOREMAN: I think I do.

HOUSE: Every one of those idiots got some insight about themselves from the pig salesman. Not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change, but you did. You're a freak! [Foreman laughs.]

[End.]

Tags: season 4
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