Written by: Doris Egan & Leonard Dick
Directed by: Deran Serafian
Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly)
Beta'ed by TD (topaz_eyes)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[A female Air Force pilot named Greta flies a Stealth fighter jet over a desert landscape.]
GRETA: Big Eye this is Cobra zero-six, just entered Indian country, approaching wave .4, request confirmation to engage target on first approach.
BIG EYE: Roger Cobra zero-six, Big Eye waiting for confirmation as well.
GRETA: If you wait any longer Big Eye, we're not going to have a choice in the matter, I can't exactly do a U-turn here.
BIG EYE: Roger that, Cobra, hold for confirmation.
[Lightning strikes nearby. We see Greta's point of view, the landscape starts to change colour, it quickly flashes between blue, red, yellow, green, black and purple. We hear an alarm beeping quietly, gradually getting louder and louder until Greta snaps back into reality, landscape changes back to its normal colour and we see what was causing the beeping, a big red warning light is flashing as the aircraft is headed towards the ground, Greta doesn't have time to pull up and crashes. Black. We can hear Greta breathing heavily. A man opens a door and fills the room with light. It was a simulator. Greta unplugs her microphone cord. The man walks over to Greta who is still recovering, knocks on the glass of the fake aircraft, Greta opens it and takes off her helmet and mask off.]
MAN: Captain Cooper, are you okay? What happened? You weren't answering.
GRETA [Angrily]: Because the damn com cord got disconnected! You spend a billion dollars on the avionics and don't bother to check the com connection?
MAN: No, I checked that twice before you got in.
GRETA [Raising her voice]: And the next time you ask us to test a prototype, it'd be nice if your direction gyro didn't spin like a top when I'm supposed to be 500 feet off the floor.
MAN: I'm sorry. I'll go review the simulation, see if I can figure out what went wrong. [Leaves.]
[Greta quietly freaks out.]
[Cut to House twirling his cane, in a lecture theatre, standing in front of a big projection screen showing a black and white photo of a man.]
HOUSE: Who is this man? [Camera pans out to reveal the 40 potential fellows staring at House and the screen; they each have a number around their neck, marathon runner style.]
[No one says anything.]
HOUSE: C'mon, take a shot. I'm not going to fire you every time you get a wrong answer.
23: Neville Chamberlain.
HOUSE: You're fired. [23 is shocked but gets up and leaves without a word.] Does this man look like he's ceding Czechoslovakia to a fascist dictatorship?
26 [Old guy.]: It's Buddy Ebsen, the actor, he's dead. Why are we...
HOUSE [Interrupting.]: Buddy Ebsen was the original tin man in the Wizard of Oz, for a day. He was diagnosed allergic to the aluminium dust in the make-up. His lungs failed, he nearly died, question is, why?
11 [Guy in a wheelchair.]: Didn't you just say he was allergic?
HOUSE [To 11]: You may not have legs, but you've got ears, I suggest you use them. I said he was diagnosed allergic. [To everyone.] Since we are currently short exactly one interesting patient, we are going to figure out what really happened to Buddy Ebsen in 1938. Now on one hand he's not getting deader, on the other hand your jobs hang in the balance. So... [Cuddy enters.]
CUDDY: House? [They share looks.]
HOUSE: I want seven alternate diagnoses when I get back. [Goes to talk to Cuddy who is still standing in the doorway.]
CUDDY: Did you forget how to count to three?
HOUSE: I've got a budget for three, doesn't mean I can only hire three.
CUDDY: Actually that's exactly what it means.
HOUSE: I cut the permanent salaries by 10 percent, over 3 years that'll more than make up for the breakage on the 27 that I'm going to weed out over the next few weeks.
CUDDY: There's forty people in there.
[House looks inside the lecture theatre.]
HOUSE: Row D, you're fired. [Everyone in Row D starts to leave, House turns back to Cuddy.] I didn't actually count all the resumes.
CUDDY: This is stupid, you can't manage that many people, you're just going to keep weeding them out arbitrarily.
HOUSE: Sure. [as people start filing out between House and Cuddy] and having them sitting in my office schmoozing about their favourite Algerian surfing movies, that's a much better system. Wait a sec. [Stops number 19, a pretty brunette, from leaving.] Were you in Row D?
HOUSE: My apologies, my boss says I'm being arbitrary and stupid. [Sticks his head back in the lecture theatre.] Row D is not fired, Row C is fired.
19: Great, thank you. [House smiles at Cuddy. The Row D people start to go back into the lecture theatre and Row C start to leave.]
HOUSE: See? That was not arbitrary. [House's pager goes off.] Well, I'd love to chat but I've been paged. [Picks up his pager and looks at it.] That's interesting, apparently paged myself. [Leaves.]
[Cut to House about to walk into his office. House walks in through the Diagnostics office door, Greta is standing at his desk holding a large yellow envelope.]
HOUSE: If you have a resumé there I'm not interested, but I wouldn't mind hearing how you got my pager number.
GRETA: It's not a resumé. [Tips the contents of the envelope onto House's desk. Large stacks of cash fall out.] 50,000 dollars.
HOUSE: Does One-eyed Nicky want me to run that to Jimmy the Nose?
GRETA: It's for my medical bills. [Sits down.] I need you to find out what's wrong with me.
HOUSE: [Sits down.] Insurance is usually cheaper than that. Cash means there's something to hide.
GRETA: I'm a captain in the Air Force about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program.
HOUSE: I discovered salt and created FM radio.
GRETA: Something is wrong. With my eyes, my ears.
HOUSE: Well if it's fixable the Air Force will do it for free. If not, doesn't matter.
GRETA: There are 100 applicants ready to take my place who don't need to be fixed. I need to do this off the books. I did the research, you're the best, you break rules, and you don't care about anyone except yourself.
HOUSE: Well let’s say that's true. You get a new job, the hospital gets a nice wad of cash, what do I get?
GRETA: I crashed a flight simulator, because I started to hear, with my eyes.
[Cut to House entering the lecture theatre. Everyone quickly gets back in their seats.]
11: The aluminium could have been tainted...
HOUSE: [Cuts him off:] Don't care. New patient. [Turns off the projector and motions for number 6 to move it, which he quickly does.] 30 year old female, with synaesthesia. New rules. [Pulls up the projection screen to reveal a blackboard that reads 'Tesla was robbed!'] You generate a lab report – You shred it. X-ray - You melt it. No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned the patient is Osama Bin Laden and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
11: We're protecting Osama Bin Laden?
HOUSE: It's a metaphor. Get used to it. Any more questions?
11: And you're not even going to tell us her name?
HOUSE: You think her name might be connected to what's wrong with her? [Walks over to the side door, calls out like Ed McMahon.] Here's Osama! [Opens the door. Greta walks in, House gives her a chair and she sits down.] Now you all have numbers so we're going to do this, alphabetically. 8, 15 and 5. [House starts to pace around.]
39 [Male, dark hair, middle aged.]: Is the synaesthesia new?
39: Any history of similar symptoms or psychiatric...
GRETA: No, nothing.
39: Are you on any prescription meds or use any other drugs?
39: Should we trust her answers?
HOUSE: What, you think I'd pull you off Buddy Ebsen just for a junkie?
24 [Female, blonde]: Can we trust your answers?
HOUSE: You have got to trust someone, right?
24: No. [Leans forward.] Has anyone close to you been sick lately? A family member, a co worker?
GRETA: No, not that I'm aware of.
HOUSE: Two down, Kitty Carlisle?
13 [Female, reddish-brown hair.]: You spend much time above 20,000 feet?
[Greta looks at House.]
HOUSE: Why would you ask that?
13: People who fly are immobile for long periods. Could be a leg clot that embolised to the brain through a PFO.
HOUSE: That's an unusual choice.
13: Well like you said, you wouldn't interrupt Buddy with anything that wasn't.
HOUSE: The patient is a frequent flyer. 13, 32, 39, get Osama an EEG, MRI and an angiogram. [Those three and Greta start to leave.] How many of you think that Oswald acted alone?
6 [Male, youngish. Puts up his hand.]: If by alone you mean that he was unaware that the CIA...
HOUSE: Oh shut up. Split yourselves into 2 groups, test her blood, test her stool. [6 and several others leave.] Who likes the designated hitter? [Two female blonde identical twins – 15A and 15B – put their hand up.] You're wrong, you're lucky you're not fired. 2 more groups, LP and cultures. [Twins and others leave.] Who doesn't know what a designated hitter is? [26, 2 and 10 put up their hand. House starts to write on a piece of paper] Okay, here is her address, I want you to break in, find out what she's hiding. [The three of them start to leave, 26 takes the address on the way out, 2 stops next to House]
2 [Female, Russian accent.]: Why don't we just ask the patient for the key?
HOUSE: Well, if we could find out what she's hiding just by asking we'd have to redefine hiding. You want to live in this country, learn the language. [2 leaves.]
11: What do you want the rest of us to do? [House thinks.]
[Cut to them washing his car.]
11: Thirty people for three openings and "I want you to wash my car." This is not why I busted my ass in med school!
18 [Male, black, young.]: So we spend a half an hour cleaning a car, big deal.
11: It's demeaning.
18: Work is demeaning? You're too good for this?
24: Now don't give me that honest day’s labour crap. We all went to med school so we wouldn't have to do an honest day's labour.
18: What about an honest hour's labour? In exchange we get a shot at learning from one of the best diagnosticians in the world.
24: No, we don't. If we did we'd be one of the ones drawing blood or checking for toxins. We're done. He's just not going to cut us loose until we've dusted his shelves and starched his shirt. [Throws the sponge into the bucket.] I'm out of here. Who's with me? [Throws her number on the ground and leaves, everyone but 18 follows. 18 continues washing the car.]
[Cut to 10 climbing on a dumpster to get to a window. 26 and 2 are standing on the ground watching]
2: Are we sure he wasn't joking? Maybe this is just a test.
10: Everything's a joke and everything's a test and he wants us to do it. C'mon, get up here. [Holds his hand down to help 26 get up.]
26: Well, I could try but I pulled a muscle in 1987.
2: I didn't waste two years repeating medical school to be arrested and deported.
10: Why did they make you repeat? Not enough gym credits?
2: According to the state of New Jersey, medical schools in my country suffer from not being from this country.
[10 helps 2 up onto the dumpster.]
26: You know if you get it open you're going to have to come down and let me in?
10: Or, you could just wait out here. This is a competition. [Starts trying to get the window open.]
[Cut back to 18 still washing House's car. 24 walks up to him.]
18: You change your mind?
18: Then why are you here?
24: Never intended to quit.
18: Then why did you...
24: Intended to get everyone else to quit. [18 shakes his head.] Get off the car.
18: I need to clean it. WE need to clean it.
[24 shakes the keys in her hand so 18 can see.]
24: I stole his keys. We'll take it to a car wash. [18 gives her a look.] He's got people breaking into a woman's apartment, obviously respecting personal property isn't one of the rules. [Gets in the car.]
[Cut to 10 still trying to get the window open with a screwdriver. 26 appears behind the window and opens it from the inside.]
26: I told the super I was worried about my niece, she hasn't been answering the telephone. Nice guy. Two daughters in Mount Holyoke. [10 climbs through the window.]
[Cut to 13, 39 and 32 in House's office; House is looking at something on his computer.]
39: No evidence of clots and other than elevated red blood cell count, ah, the ah, blood work was unremarkable.
[House looks at 39 then at 32 who looks disgusted.]
HOUSE: Got a problem with the naked female form?
32: Not at all.
13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
HOUSE: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference you know. [Goes back to looking at the screen] Salary for one thing.
13: You want us to give you a minute?
[House turns around to look at 13 and sees Chase walking past his office, in slow motion. He gets up and quickly walks over there.]
13: A high red blood cell count likely means...
HOUSE [Stops just outside his office door trying to see Chase.]: Carbon monoxide poisoning.
39: There are a lot of different explanations for elevated red blood cells.
HOUSE [Squinting, still trying to see Chase]: Yeah well which one fits best with the damaged flue that your competitors found in the gas fireplace in Osama's cave.
[24 walks up to him.]
24: Car's clean.
HOUSE: Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent?
24: Can't see an accent.
HOUSE: Good point. Can I have my car keys back? [24 looks shocked and a little scared.] Give me the car keys, put the patient in a hyperbaric chamber and no more prime numbers for you. [24 gives him the keys.] Thank you. [House walks back into his office.]
[Cut to 6, 24 and 18 in the hyperbaric chamber with Greta.]
6: The high pressure and oxygen will flush the carbon monoxide from your system. This much oxygen for too long can have some toxic effects so we'll do this in cycles. [Puts an oxygen mask on Greta.]
[24 is typing something into her PDA]
18 [Quietly to 24.]: Can I talk to you for a second? [They walk to over to the door.] You're working that thing all the time, is everything all right? [24 nods.] We're supposed to be watching her heart rate and blood pressure.
24: Yeah, I was until you pulled me over here. I'm sending out a consult on another patient.
24: What? I'm not quitting my old job until I'm sure I've got a new one.
18: I didn't say anything.
24: You had a look.
18: Yeah, I did. Sorry.
[Monitors start beeping.]
6: Hey I think she's having a heart attack.
GRETA: No I just feel a little funny. [Passes out.]
18: Call a code.
[24 injects her with something then tries to feel her pulse while 18 does compressions.]
18: V-fib. Well where the hell's...
[6 comes running in with paddles.]
18: Are you crazy? You can't use those we're in a hyperbaric...
[18 quickly turns off the oxygen. 6 shocks her, she catches fire.]
18: She's on fire!
[Alarm starts going off. 18 puts the blanket over the fire while 6 grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays her. 6 feels for a pulse.]
6 [Smiling]: Her heart's beating.
18: And we are so fired.
[The sprinklers come on.]
[Cut to a shot of Greta back in her room, then to everyone back in the lecture theatre.]
6: We've started her on nitro and blood thinners. Electrolytes and post-arrest EKG were normal, the attack was not caused by the procedure.
HOUSE: So what does cause synaesthesia, high red blood cell count and heart attack?
24: Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Pointing to 6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room.
HOUSE: And you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut throat little pixie. What causes...
15A: Takayasu’s syndrome.
15B: Not without a rash and a fever. It's got to be Whipple's.
15A: No way, you ever see Whipple's without abdominal pain?
HOUSE: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here. You're both right, in the sense that you've convinced me that you're both wrong.
26: What about cardiomyopathy? Structural abnormality causes the heart attack and throws clots to the brain, leading to synaesthesia.
HOUSE: How old are you?
26: I'm 21. Unless it's relevant.
HOUSE: Okay, Scooter. Do a trans-esophageal echo, and since the positive divisors of 26 are 2 and 13 have them assist. The rest of you, go to the cafeteria and document 10 things that could cause infection. Each. [Everyone starts to leave. House takes a sip from his large soda.]
[Cut to the cafeteria where we see them all walking around writing down stuff, Wilson is sitting down filling in the crossword in a newspaper. House walks up and steals one of his pieces of bread.]
WILSON: I wouldn't. Someone named 17 thinks there could be Listeria in the cream cheese.
HOUSE: 17's a stupid number. [Takes a bite.] What's Chase doing here?
WILSON: You saw Chase?
HOUSE: Last night, outside my office.
WILSON: That's interesting.
HOUSE: It's more curious than actually...
WILSON: Chase took a job at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona. A week ago. Interesting... It wasn't Foreman or Cameron you saw, but Chase, the one you fired.
HOUSE: Not interesting. Someone who looked like someone I used to know walked by my office.
WILSON: It's always interesting when repressed guilt starts un-repressing itself.
HOUSE: The only thing I feel guilty for is this. [Throws what's left of the bread into Wilson's coffee.]
[Cut to 26 rubbing gel on an endoscope while 13 and 2 are preparing Greta.]
26: We're going to feed this endoscope down your esophagus, try to find where your heart might be damaged. [Greta nods while 2 sticks a plastic thing in her mouth to keep it open.] It's going to feel uncomfortable but just keep swallowing, I promise you'll be fine.
13: She's ready.
26: [Lifts up the endoscope to start but hesitates. Holds it out in front of 2.] Go ahead, take a whack.
2: [Suspicious.] Right. So if we don't find anything House blames me.
26: Or you find something, get a gold star.
13: Why don't you want to do it?
26: House isn't going to be impressed by a grey hair doing his 10,000th echo.
13: So you're just being altruistic? [Takes the endoscope.]
26: That makes you suspicious. Doctor?
13: Call me 13. I'm not getting invested. [Starts to put the endoscope down Greta's throat.]
[Cut to House and The Numbers walking down the corridor. 2 moves in front of House and walks backwards.]
2: Her heart's structurally sound. No clots, no valvular defects, no wall motion abnormalities.
HOUSE: Got that from structurally sound.
15A: What did she say?
6: Structurally sound.
HOUSE: I assume you're not all walking with me to tell me that you found nothing.
2 [Still walking backwards in front of House]: It showed a short burst in the atrium... [A guy in the corridor swings a wheelchair around just in time to get right behind 2 and force her to fall into the chair. She quickly gets up and glares at the guy, who quickly leaves. Everyone stops walking.]
HOUSE: Okay, who's next?
13 [Moves in front of House]: Showed a short burst of atrial flutter, I ran a rhythm strip twice and got the same results.
HOUSE: Stop. [Moves 13 out of the way with his cane and turns to look at the group.] Okay. Here's how we diagnose in transit. I lead, you draft, I move, you move, I stop, you stop. Got it?
13: Flutter could mean hormone overproduction, we should...
HOUSE: Wait a sec, why did you do the test? I gave it to Scooter.
26: We didn't think it mattered.
HOUSE: It doesn't. It matters that you let her. Okay. 10, 24, 39 run a TRH stimulation test for hyperthyroidism. [Walks off. The numbers follow.]
2: That could cause another heart attack.
HOUSE: Proving her first attack was caused by her thyroid. [Pushes the lift button with his cane.] Which is kind of the point, right? [Elevator dings. House walks in, the numbers start to follow.] Uh ah ah ah ah! [They step back.] I ride alone. [Pushes the button and the lift closes.]
[Cut to 39 injecting Greta with the hormone.]
39: The hormone stimulates your thyroid, don't worry if you get flushed or you start to sweat, it means the thyroid's working. [Greta nods.] And if you want I can remove that mole. [Moves his hand to touch it, Greta moves her head back away from him.] I'm a plastic surgeon, you're allowed a little vanity.
GRETA: I'm fine with the way I look.
39: Good for you. [10 looks at her monitor as it makes a small beep.] Although I do find it a bit odd that someone so self-assured doesn't want her doctors to find out what's wrong with her.
GRETA: What are you talking about, why else am I here?
39: You're jerking us around. You're handcuffing us with all these restrictions.
GRETA: I'm feeling warm.
10: Her pulse is 120, stop pushing. If House thought this would handicap us he wouldn't have taken the case.
39: Or maybe that's why he took the case, he wants to see if we can get it out of her on our own.
24: What did you find in her home?
GRETA: You were in my home?
24: Travel pictures, year book, her name on an employment slip?
10: We weren't checking for that stuff, okay? [We see from Greta's point of view, everything goes multicoloured again.] Obviously House didn't want us to. [View goes back to normal.]
GRETA: [Starts trying to get out of the bed.] You're going to... You're going to out me, aren't you? You're going to ruin everything.
39: Nobody's trying to do anything. Just relax.
[Monitor starts beeping.]
24: This is not a normal response to the test. Pulse and BP are too high.
GRETA: [Pulls off the leads and drags the monitor in front of her for protection.] Get away from me. [View starts going multicoloured again.] Get away from me. Don't touch me. [Runs out of the room, 10 and 39 chase her.]
[Cut to House getting off the elevator on the second floor, where the balcony is. Walks over to 39, 24 and 10 who are standing outside the closed door of the Chapel.]
HOUSE: Paging me during Judge Judy, not the best way to win my affections.
10: She had another episode of synaesthesia, it set off a psychotic attack and now she ran in there [points to the Chapel doors] and must've jammed something in the handles.
HOUSE: So you called me, the guy with one good leg and zero leverage. [Rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.]
39: We break that door down, security shows up, and her name goes in a file. [House stops and walks back.]
HOUSE: Well luckily, violence is not the last resort. Extortion is. [Motions to 10.] So go ahead, extort her.
10: [Moves close to the doors.] If you don't open this door, we're going to break it down.
HOUSE: Clever. An appeal to her deep concern for hospital property. Let's see how that works. [Waits, nothing happens.]
10: If you don't open this door, you're going to die.
GRETA [Yelling from inside.]: Go away! [10 gives up and walks away from the doors and towards the balcony.]
HOUSE: You seem to be getting to her.
39: She doesn't care if she dies.
HOUSE: You think she wants to die?
39: No, but I think she only wants to live under certain circumstances. [House motions for 39 to give it a try.] Open up or I blab your secret to everyone.
GRETA: You don't know anything.
HOUSE: I do. [House looks across and sees a blonde Cameron leaving the clinic, in slow motion. Meanwhile Greta bursts out of the Chapel. 10 and 39 catch her and she struggles to break free.]
HOUSE: Anybody think that a sedative might...
24: I'm trying.
HOUSE: Okay. [24 stabs Greta in the arm and she collapses with 39 and 10 holding her up. Just then Cuddy walks up.]
CUDDY: [To House.] Who's that? [Everyone stares at her.] [To 39, 24 and 10.] Who is she?
39 [Looks at House who shakes his head.]: Osama Bin Laden.
[Cut to Cuddy walking into the lecture theatre where the rest of The Numbers are. Everyone goes silent.]
CUDDY: Who is she?
18: Is she okay?
CUDDY: She's stable. Who is she?
26: What did House tell you?
CUDDY: That she is on the run from an international crime syndicate.
26: That's what he told us.
CUDDY: House may be your boss, but I'm House's boss. You want to work here, I better be okay with it.
2: Honestly, he didn't tell us anything about who she was, or what she...
10: Her name's Greta Cooper. Wants to be an astronaut. Doesn't want NASA to know her brain's getting her ears confused with her eyes. I went through her mail. [Cuddy leaves satisfied.]
[Cut to Cuddy and House walking down the corridor.]
CUDDY: You're a virus, House, now instead of one liability I've got 20.
HOUSE: Apparently only 19. Which number was it?
CUDDY: From now on everything you do gets charted. With pen, on paper, in a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover.
HOUSE [Whines]: Mom!
CUDDY: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you THINK about doing scans, I get a copy.
HOUSE: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper. [Leaves.]
[Cut to House walking into the lecture theatre where The Numbers are waiting.]
HOUSE: Three issues. One. Number 10, you're fired.
10: She told you?
HOUSE: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half asleep, missed his afternoon nap. Obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardise...
10: You can't know!
HOUSE: And that chick's [points to 24] been pointing at you since I walked in. [10 leaves.] Issue two. What causes synaesthesia, high RBC, tachy-arrhythmia, and panic attacks? [Rubs off the blackboard.]
37: Slight glucose elevation. That says thyroid.
39: Baseline thyrotropin's 1.1.
24: It's 1.3.
39: Whatever. Her thyroid's working.
24: What about her liver? [House starts writing symptoms on the blackboard.] Original A.L.T. levels weren't abnormal but were near the edge.
6: She has patient data on her PDA.
24: I do not.
6: I saw the lab values, you said we couldn't write anything down.
HOUSE: I also said I wanted answers.
24: Liver cancer's the most likely. Paraneoplastic syndrome. We need to do an MRI.
HOUSE: Which brings us to issue three.
6: You're saying we can write stuff down?
HOUSE: To you, I'm saying you're fired. To everyone else, I'm...
6: But you said specifically...
HOUSE: I hate tattle tales.
6: She tattled on 10.
HOUSE: Now you tattled twice. Issue three. [Notices 6 still sitting there in shock.] C'mon, let’s go. [6 leaves.] Issue three, how do we do tests when we can't do tests?
2: Dr. Cuddy didn't say we can't do tests, she said that we have to chart.
HOUSE: If we chart, then we won't get consent. So we can't.
2: The patient's life may depend on her consenting.
HOUSE: Her dreams depend on her not consenting. So, how do we do tests when we can't do tests? [No-one answers.] You've got an hour. [Leaves.]
[Cut to House entering Wilson's office.]
HOUSE: How do you scan a liver without scanning a liver? And what's Cameron doing here?
WILSON: Interesting. So you're seeing Cameron now?
HOUSE: No. Not interesting because not seeing. Saw. My patient won't consent to MRIs or ultrasounds, and you've dealt with more liver cancer than anyone else here.
WILSON: So you want me to share the secret scanning techniques I learned in Nepal? Unfortunately, the monks made me swear a blood oath. Where was she?
HOUSE: In the lobby. I guess we could palpate the area around the liver.
WILSON: Which won't work unless the tumour's enormous, which you KNOW, which means you're here because these visions are freaking you out.
HOUSE: She had blonde hair, why would I hallucinate that?
WILSON: Yes. Yes, why are you merging Cameron and Chase? We should find out before the next time you see her when she'll be black.
HOUSE: Mm-hmm, because, of course it's scientifically impossible for a person to go back and visit somewhere they worked.
WILSON: No. But since she's not a dead cat, it is scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.
HOUSE: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.
WILSON: She just called me from Arizona. [Dials a number and turns the phone around so House can see the number.] Notice the area code – 480. They put an offer on a place in Scottsdale. [The phone is ringing.] Do you want to talk or should I? I guess we could both talk. Although they're engaged and if you're staying in touch, you might want to buy them... [House hangs up the phone with his cane.] Maybe it's not repressed guilt, Maybe it's just panic. Right now you've got enough fellows to build a rail road. But you're going to have to narrow that room full of numbers down to three people.
HOUSE: Any chance you could turn this creative brilliance towards my patient's liver? [House pops a pill.]
WILSON: I think you're going to choose people for reasons that have nothing to do with their skills. I think you're going to choose people just because you can't stand them. Because if you like them, well, that's just, stressful.
HOUSE: Stress... I like it. [Leaves.]
[Cut to House going back into the lecture theatre.]
HOUSE: We need to stress the patient's liver.
15B: You mean make her sick?
HOUSE: I mean make her sick in a specific way. If her liver's given to malfunctioning, we make it malfunction.
15B: Are we on the other side of wrong here? Don't we have an ethics board that we should consult or... [House notices 6 sitting behind 15B, only now he has turned his number upside down so it's a 9.]
HOUSE: I fired you.
6/9: No you didn't.
24: He fired you. You're number 6.
6/9: No I'm not, I'm number 9.
HOUSE: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired. [6/9 starts to leave.] So how do we stress her liver?
15B: Lying and paperwork I get, shutting down organs I think...
13: We could give her intravenous Vitamin D and stick her in a tanning booth. If she goes into a coma, we know it's a metabolic problem.
HOUSE: Nice. But Vitamin D's metabolised by the liver and kidneys. It wouldn't tell us which one's screwed up.
6/9 [Who is still standing at the back of the room.] We could get her wasted. [Everyone turns and looks at him.] Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes for her to pass out. If it's too fast, then we know her liver's not processing alcohol. It's a shot.
HOUSE: I like you, number 9. [6/9 smiles, 24 is shocked.]
[Cut to House in his office repairing his guitar under a magnifying glass. 18 walks in.]
18: You wanted to see me?
HOUSE: You a Mormon? You're wearing a ring from Brigham Young. Or did your folks just do the lawns?
18: The church has a very progressive attitude toward racial equality.
HOUSE: Don't care. Actually I'm thanking God. You're the only non-drinker we've got. We need a control group to establish whether the liver's deterioration is within normal range. Got a big drinker, medium drinker, now I got a no-drinker.
18: Just do an MRI.
HOUSE: [Stops what he is doing, half smiles and leans back.] You really think the guy who created heaven and earth cares what you put in your digestive tract?
18: Her dream shouldn't outrank my religious belief.
HOUSE: Why not? Her dream might come true. [18 starts to leave.] All life is sacred, right?
18: [Stops and turns back.] We're not saving her life, we're doing a diagnostic test. Not even a real diagnostic test.
HOUSE: Well that fake test, might really save her life. Would you pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? [Gets up and walks over to him.] Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath?
[They stare at each other.]
18: Fine. I'll do it.
HOUSE: Good. [Goes back to his seat. 18 leaves.]
[Cut to 18, 13 and House in Greta's room, all 4 of them do a shot of tequila.]
GRETA: Why'd you have to pick tequila? I assume a single malt would have worked just as well.
13: Wasn't our choice.
HOUSE: Okay. [Pushes a stop watch.] Two minutes and we go round number 5. [Pours 4 more shots.] So tell me about the magic underwear.
18: [Laughs.] Is that why you're here?
HOUSE: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
18: You're reversing your argument?
HOUSE: I know what I believe. I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
18: Well, LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
HOUSE: But your judgment was to say no. You used my judgment.
18: You made a good argument.
HOUSE: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.
18: You're an atheist.
HOUSE: Only on Christmas and Easter. The rest of the time, it doesn't really matter.
18: [Laughs.] Where's the fun in that? A finite, un-mysterious universe...
HOUSE: It's not about fun! It's about the truth.
18: The truth is, we're having this debate because you want to figure something out about me. [House sees Foreman walking past in slow motion.] What do you got so far? [House leaves to try to catch Foreman. Greta struggles to breathe.]
13: Greta. Greta!
18: She can't breathe. We need to intubate.
GRETA: [Shakes her head.] No.
18: At least oxygen.
GRETA [breathless]: NASA will need to know why.
[Cut to House going after Foreman. Foreman disappears around the corner and House runs into Cuddy instead.]
CUDDY: I checked the tests you ordered.
HOUSE: Did you just see Foreman?
CUDDY: You measured the density of her teeth.
HOUSE: [Still trying to look past Cuddy.] It's a shortcut test for hypercalcaemia. You had to have just passed him.
CUDDY: So you suspected hypercalcaemia from her complete lack of broken bones. Is that why you also ran three tox screens?
HOUSE: [Still distracted.] Patient might've been sneaking uppers. He was in a white coat, did you hire him back?
CUDDY: Foreman is running the diagnostic department at New York Mercy. [House looks surprised and confused, Cuddy leans in and sniffs.] Have you been drinking?
[House walks back to Greta's, now empty, room. He sees the oxygen mask on the floor and realises where they have gone.]
[Cut to House entering the stress test room, he sees Greta sitting on the end of a treadmill using an oxygen mask to help her breathe.]
18: She was having trouble breathing. Refused oxygen and intubation.
HOUSE: So you put her on a treadmill.
13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as a part of a routine cardio stress test. She gets to breathe, your boss gets her paperwork.
HOUSE: Whose idea was that?
13: It was a joint decision.
HOUSE: It never is. So how old were you when your brother left home?
13: Why do you think that I...
HOUSE: Why aren't you answering? Did your mother initiate the divorce? [Takes the stethoscope off 13]
13: We should probably focus on what's wrong with her lungs.
HOUSE: Are you a Wiccan?
18: She really can't breathe.
HOUSE: [Sits down in front of Greta.] Okay, hold still. [While using the stethoscope to listen to her lungs he starts gently tapping her chest.]
18: What are you doing?
HOUSE: Auscultatory percussion. If you have a good ear, you can... [Listens.] [To 13.] You didn't have a lot of friends because you chose...
13: You can hear while you're talking?
HOUSE: [Listens again.] You can detect not only structural details, but small, deep masses. [Flicks Greta's chest a few times then takes off the stethoscope.] Game's over. You either have lung cancer or tuberous sclerosis. We need to cut you open and biopsy... [Greta starts shaking her head.]
GRETA: [Still struggling to breathe.] That'll... Leave a scar... NASA doctors will see, they'll, they'll know.
HOUSE: I never opened for Springsteen or slept with Barbara Feldon. You can live for years without dreams. Without lungs...
GRETA: Find a way.
HOUSE: Okay. As long you keep saying it strongly, you won't die. [Goes to get up, Greta stops him.]
GRETA: Find... A way.
[Cut to House and The Numbers back in the lecture theatre.]
HOUSE: How do we force a patient into surgery? Texas bag scam? Saratoga wire? Paris exposition trip?
18: The problem's not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.
39: Not that well. NASA's going to check every cranny.
6/9: I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do.
2: She'll sue.
24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government?
39: Uh, we don't need to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.
2: You mean like liposuction?
39: No, no. Those incisions are too far from the lungs. We-we don't subtract, we add. [Looks at House.] Turn her B's into C's.
HOUSE: [Smiles.] It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude, she'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.
[Cut to 39 explaining what they are planning to Greta.]
GRETA: I fought for years to be taken seriously.
39: Trust me, you'll be taken more seriously. Just sign the form. [Holds the consent form up.]
GRETA: This'll make me a joke, there's got to be another way.
39: I've known a few people who had dreams. One thing they all had in common was, they got laughed at, and they didn't care. [Greta signs the form.]
[Cut to Cuddy walking up to House who is scrubbing in.]
CUDDY: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?
HOUSE: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?
CUDDY: You don't explain this, I'll cancel the surgery.
HOUSE: Can I explain why you're here?
CUDDY: Think I just told you why I...
HOUSE: I scheduled a diagnostic patient for a boob job, which is ridiculous. So obviously you had to confront me.
CUDDY: With you so far.
HOUSE: But I'm going to give you a reason.
CUDDY: Not a good one.
HOUSE: No. Not even close to a good one. But here's the drag from your point of view. My explanation will make sense. Not to the board, not to a judge, but to you. So you'll let me do it. Then you're going to have to sit next to me at the administrative hearing. Don't you have better things to do? [Cuddy thinks for a minute then starts to leave but hesitates and turns back.] It's in the best interests of the patient. [Cuddy leaves.]
[Cut to House and three of The Numbers in the OR, 39 opens Greta up.]
39: Trochar's in. You're good to go. [39 steps back and House steps forward to look at the lungs.]
HOUSE: [Sticks something into Greta.] Deflate the lung.
2: There, a cyst.
39: Cysts, I count three of them. [We see the lung on the screen it has three big lumps.]
HOUSE: Probably the same if not more on the left lung. Okay, so what's been working overtime to kill Miss Bin Laden?
2: We know her name now.
HOUSE: Yeah, but I forgot it. Say the magic word and get immunity from the next challenge.
13: Alveolar hydatid disease. Hits all the organs.
HOUSE: She would've had multiple seizures by now.
39: Pulmonary Langerhans.
HOUSE: Wouldn't explain the red blood cells. C'mon. Cysts, synaesthesia, heart attack. You guys have gotten...
CHASE: Von Hippel-Lindau syndrome. [House looks for where that voice came from and sees Chase in the observation room.] Raises red blood cell count, causes masses on the organs. One of the masses is a pheochromocytoma. It'd cause neurologic episodes and a heart attack.
HOUSE: [Leans over to 39 and says quietly.] Do you see a blond guy who still has peach fuzz standing up there? [39 nods.] [To Chase.] This is a closed procedure, gallery's off limits.
CHASE: Not to the surgical staff.
39: You going to hire that guy instead of us. [House looks at Chase who slowly shakes his head.]
HOUSE: Not a chance. I love you guys. Dig out the cysts, histology to confirm Von Hippel-Lindau. Don't forget her chesticles. [Looks back up but Chase has gone.]
[Cut to Wilson at the nurses’ station, he turns to leave with his head down still reading a chart when suddenly a cane comes flying in front of him and hits the wall. Wilson jumps but then realises its House and they start to walk down the corridor.]
HOUSE: Calling Arizona, that was a very nice touch.
WILSON: You do have residual...
HOUSE: Not only do I not have residual feelings, I didn't even have primary feelings.
WILSON: You freaked...
HOUSE: You lied!
WILSON: Because you knew it meant...
HOUSE: It meant nothing! I saw him because he was there. [Wilson gives up.] Did Cameron follow her beshert to the surgery department?
WILSON: I think Chase followed her. She's been a senior attending in the E.R. the last three weeks. A blonde senior attending, to be accurate.
HOUSE: Foreman. Is he back in neurology?
WILSON: He's at New York Mercy, he's been there a month. [House looks surprised.] Did you SEE Foreman?
HOUSE: No. [Leaves.]
[Cut to 6/9 and 24 in Greta's room.]
GRETA: So, I'm cured.
6/9: You're fine for now, but Von Hippel-Lindau is a genetic disease. There's no cure.
24: Greta, you need to come clean to NASA.
GRETA: You said you got all the cysts.
24: They could re-emerge.
GRETA: I'll go to radiology clinics. I'll get regular screenings.
24: If something happened while you're up there, you'd be playing Russian roulette with... [House enters.]
HOUSE: Relax. She doesn't have to tell and neither do you. Turns out that NASA doctors even know where the hyphen in Von Hippel-Lindau goes.
GRETA: You called them?
HOUSE: I'm not an idiot. Those shuttles fly over New Jersey. [House leaves, Greta starts to cry.]
[Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night. Then to House sitting in front of The Numbers in the lecture theatre.]
HOUSE: So here we are. The big moment. Which of you gets to live to be abused another day. And which of you goes home and rationalises being fired as character building? [Pops a pill.] Following numbers, thanks for playing. 21, 19, 8, 34, 17, 29, 5, 36, 2... Rest of you, 8:00 A.M. Sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00. [Everyone starts to leave.] But 26, stick around awhile. [2 walks over to House.]
2: I did nothing wrong.
HOUSE: Lots of people did nothing wrong.
2: Other people screwed up. I never even...
HOUSE: Other people took chances. 26. [Waves him over. 2 leaves.]
[Cut to House and 26 walking out of the lecture theatre.]
26: Buddy Ebsen actually was allergic to...
HOUSE: Yeah, I know. How old are you?
HOUSE: You don't think it's relevant?
26: I'll likely have less time to use the skills you teach us, but I don't think that's significant to you.
HOUSE: How about the fact that you never went to medical school? Which is why you let the unlucky number do the trans echo. At least you're ethically unethical.
26: Thirty years I worked in the Columbia med school admissions office. Audited all the classes. Most of them more than once. I just never got a diploma.
HOUSE: You had to know I'd find out sooner or later.
26: I know you break rules. I thought maybe you'd break one for me.
HOUSE: I can't hire you as a doctor. But you can still tell me what you think. You can also fetch me coffee, pick up my dry-cleaning, until I can decide whether or not to keep you.
26: So I'm playing this whole game to be like... Your secretary?
HOUSE: Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning.
26: It's not my dream job.
HOUSE: Actually it is. It's just not your dream title. [House leaves.]
[Cut to aerial of PPTH, still night. Fades to House standing outside the ER watching Cameron, she seems him and walks over.]
CAMERON: [Holds up 3 fingers.] Three weeks. For someone who never misses something small, you missed something big.
HOUSE: You're an idiot.
CAMERON: The hair, where I'm working, or both?
HOUSE: The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it. Pulling pieces of windshield out of car accident victims and reattaching fingertips sliced off cutting bagels. At least Chase's move is only one step down.
CAMERON: I can do good here. Get it out of my system. Why'd you rat your patient out to NASA?
HOUSE: I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but I hope they've already been fired. Which number was it?
CAMERON: No number. The patient. How do you think she got your pager number? She came into the E.R. didn't want to talk...
HOUSE: I didn't rat her out.
HOUSE: Suppose I should tell her that before she keys my car.
CAMERON: Why lie?
HOUSE: Had to stop some leaky faucets.
CAMERON: What did it matter?
HOUSE: It was no one's business.
HOUSE: She's going to be the safest astronaut up there. Certainly more vigilant than the guy next to her who's got no clue about the aneurysm in his head ready to pop.
CAMERON: Right. [Smiles and starts to walk away.]
HOUSE: You got a better reason?
CAMERON: You couldn't kill her dream. [Leaves.]