August 25th, 2006

Doc On Duty

House MD - 1.01 Pilot

Originally Aired: Nov 16 2004

Written by: David Shore
Directed by: Bryan Singer

Transcribed by: Taru - brynaea


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.02 Paternity

Originally Aired: Nov 23 2004

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: Peter O'Fallon

Transcribed by: Taru - brynaea


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.03 Occam's Razor

Originally Aired: Nov 30 2004

Written by: David Shore
Directed by: Bryan Singer

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.04 Maternity

Originally Aired: Dec 7 2004

Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: Newton Thomas Sigel

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.05 Damned If You Do

Originally Aired: Dec 14 2004

Written by: Sara B. Cooper
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.06 The Socratic Method

Originally Aired: Dec 21 2004

Written by: John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Peter Medak

Transcribed by: Cathy


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.07 Fidelity

Originally Aired: December 28, 2004

Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Bryan Spicer

Transcribed by: Celebmir


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.08 Poison

Originally Aired: Jan 25 2005

Written by: Matt Witten
Directed by: Guy Ferland

Transcribed by: Celebmir


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.09 DNR

Originally Aired: Feb 1 2005

Written by: David Foster
Directed by: Fred Keller

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.10 Histories

Originally Aired: Feb 8 2005

Written by: Joel Thompson
Directed by: Daniel Attias

Transcribed by: prettyannamoon


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.11 Detox

Originally Aired: Feb 15 2005

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Nelson McCormick

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.12 Sports Medicine

Originally Aired: Feb 22 2005

Written by: John Mankiewicz & David Shore
Directed by: Keith Gordon

Transcribed by: Saki


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.13 Cursed

Originally Aired: March 1, 2005

Written by: Matt Witten & Peter Blake
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.14 Control

Originally Aired: March 15 2005

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: Randall Zisk

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.15 Mob Rules

Originally Aired: March 22, 2005

Written by: David Foster & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Tim Hunter

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.16 Heavy

Originally Aired: March 29 2005

Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Fred Gerber

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.17 Role Model

Originally Aired: April 12 2003

Written by: Matt Witten
Directed by: Peter O'Fallon

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.18 Babies & Bathwater

Originally Aired: April 19 2005

Written by: Peter Blake & David Shore
Directed by: Bill Johnson

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.19 Kids

Originally Aired: May 3 2005

Written by: Thomas L. Moran & Lawerence Kaplow
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.20 Love Hurts

Originally Aired: May 10 2005

Written by: Sara B. Cooper
Directed by: Bryan Spicer

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.21 Three Stories

Originally Aired: May 17 2005

Written by: David Shore
Directed by: Paris Barclay

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 1.22 The Honeymoon

Originally Aired: May 24 2004

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Fred Keller

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.01 Acceptance

Originally Aired: Sept 12 2005

Written by: Russel Friend & Garret Lerner
Directed by: Daniel Attias

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.02 Autopsy

Originally Aired: Sept 20 2005

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Fen

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.03 Humpty Dumpty

Originally Aired: Sept 27 2005

Written by: Matt Witten
Directed by: Daniel Attias

Transcribed by: Jen

Thank you to Heidi (delsilencio) for help with the Spanish translations


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.04 TB or Not TB

Originally Aired: Nov 1 2005

Written by: David Foster
Directed by: Peter O'Fallon

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)

Betaed by: Ally (allybally123)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.05 Daddy's Boy

Originally Aired: Nov 8 2005

Written by: Thomas L.Moran
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Taru - brynaea & Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Ally (allybally123)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.06 Spin

Originally Aired: Nov 15 2005

Written by: Sarah Hess
Directed by: Fred Gerber

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Ally (allybally123)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.07 Hunting

Originally Aired: Nov 22 2005

Written by: Liz Friedman
Directed by: Gloria Muzio

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.08 The Mistake

Originally Aired: Nov 29 2005

Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: David Semel

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.09 Deception

Originally Aired: Dec 13 2005

Written by: Michael R. Perry
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)

Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.10 Failure to Communicate

Originally Aired: Jan 10 2006

Written by: Doris Egan
Directed by: Jace Alexander

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)
Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.11 Need to Know

Originally Aired: Feb 7 2006

Written by: Pamela Davis
Directed by: David Semel

Transcribed by: Kat

Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.12 Distractions

Originally Aired: Feb 14 2006

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: David Attias

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)

(Thank you to another anonymous for help with translations for the Hindi!)

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.13 Skin Deep

Originally Aired: Feb 20 2006

Written by: David Shore (teleplay), Garrett Lerner & Russel Friend (story & teleplay)
Directed by: James Hayman

Transcribed by: Heather


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.14 Sex Kills

Originally Aired: March 7 2006

Written by: Matt Witten
Directed by: David Semel

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.15 Clueless

Originally Aired: March 28 2006

Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.16 Safe

Originally Aired: Apr 4 2006

Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: Feliz Enrique Alcala

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.17 All In

Originally Aired: Apr 11 2006

Written by: David Foster
Directed by: Fred Gerber

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie

Originally Aired: Apr 18 2006

Written by: Sarah Hess
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes

Transcribed by: Kat_Aclysm

Betaed by: Mary Ann


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.19 House vs. God

Originally Aired: Apr 25 2006

Written by: Doris Egan
Directed by: John F. Showalter

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)
Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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House MD - 2.20 Euphoria (1)

Originally Aired: May 2, 2006

Written by: Matthew V. Lewis
Directed by: Deran Sarafian

Transcribed by: ?
Betaed by: Melissa (melster)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[Opens with a car chase, with a cop car chasing another car. Guy gets out of his car, and Joe, the cop, gives chase. They go over a fence, and through a door. Joe is close behind the guy running. Joe coughs a little. Sees a big fence and knows that they guy couldn’t go over.]

Joe: Gosh, guess he got away. [Knows the guy is hiding, because he coughed a little, and bangs on the dumpster with his night stick.] Baby Shoes come out to play? [Laughs] Come on! Hands on your head! Climb out! [Coughs again]

[Baby Shoes stands up in the dumpster.]

Baby Shoes: I can’t climb out if my hands are on my head.

Joe: [Laughs] Just keep ’em where I can see ’em man. Ah, ah come on. [Laughs harder]

[Baby Shoes jumps out of the dumpster while Joe continues laughing.]

Baby Shoes: You high, popo?

Joe: Yeah, man. Catching morons makes me high! Lift your shirt up by the collar and turn around. [Baby Shoes does that, and shows that he has a gun.] Oh, would you look at that! Dude’s got a weapon. [Keeps laughing, and giggling] All right. You have the, uh, right to remain stupid. [Waves his gun around, and is acting a little crazy]

Baby Shoes: Watch the gun.

Joe: Anything you say will be completely incomprehensible.

Baby Shoes: Seriously man. Careful!

Joe: Seriously man? Seriously? Does your mama know what you do?

[Baby Shoes pulls out his gun and fires, slow motion on the bullet as it hits Joe, and shatters, parts flying up into his face, and one goes into his head right above his eye. Baby Shoes runs away as the cop lies on the ground laughing hysterically.]

[Opening credits]

[Chase is holding a newspaper clipping]

Chase: Aww, its sweet. Your dad’s proud. You made the local paper.

[Cut to Cameron, once again answering House’s e-mail]

Cameron: With my article. [Very bitter still]

Foreman: Give it a rest! [to Chase] You read what he wrote in the margin?

Chase: [Reads] Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up. [Laughs a little]

Foreman: Yeah, he’s not proud of me, he’s proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God’s work; everything I do wrong is my own damn fault. [Chase puts the paper on the table as House walks in]

House: Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [Tosses the files out to the team] Guy’s in the ER, bleeding on everybody.

Foreman: Drugs?

Chase: He’s a cop.

Foreman: Good point. How about… drugs?

House: Tox screen was clean. He did however get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.

Cameron: He was shot?

House: No, somebody threw it at him.

Chase: I’m thinking trauma. He’s got bullet fragments lodged in his brain.

Foreman: According to Baby Shoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.

Cameron: Baby Shoes?

Foreman: The guy who shot him.

Cameron: Reliable witness.

House: His name’s Baby Shoes, how bad can he be? [He motions to Cameron, and she gives him an x-ray and CT scan film that he puts up on the lighted board he just drug in.] The fragments are in the wrong part of the brain to cause euphoria. So let’s expand the search, factor in the cough and the cloudy lungs.

Chase: Why are we ignoring the elevated heart rate?

Cameron: Because he’s in shock.

Chase: What if the heart was already fast before he got shot?

Foreman: You mean after the footrace?

Chase: He’s giddy, indicates a blockage of oxygen. Carbon monoxide gas would elevate the heart rate, cause coughing and impair neurological function. [All this time House has been examining the films]

Cameron: He got CO poisoning outdoors? [Very sarcastic]

House: Yeah, all ‘cause those bastards didn’t ratify Kyoto. Or he got CO indoors, and then moved outdoors before he’d inhaled enough to make him drop dead. Test his arterial blood gas. If his carboxyhemoglobin levels are higher then 15% stick him in a hyperbaric chamber. [Points to Foreman] You go check the cop car for gas leaks.

Foreman: If it was the cop car, his partner would be sick.

House: Well maybe she is, but just doesn’t have as good a sense of humor. Also check his personal car, his work, home, I’ll check the precinct.

[Cut to Joe, still laughing]

Chase: Blood test confirmed you have low-level carbon monoxide poisoning. We’re putting you inside a high-pressure chamber that [looks at Joe to see that he’s still giggling, and play with the various things currently attached to him] psssh, you don’t really care do you?

Cameron: Do you live near a gas supply?

Joe: Um, yeah me…after like a huge enchilada. [Laughs again, and Chase has to cough to keep from giggling himself.]

Chase: Anything toxic you have at your home? Any uh, paint solvents, anything unhygienic?

Joe: Uh, no. No I keep a pretty clean home.

[Cut to his apartment, which is a pigsty. It’s covered with old food containers, there’s trash everywhere, and it’s just gross! Foreman is walking though it taking samples and such. Opens a window and climbs out. Checks for a gas leak, but there is none, Sees a pigeon, and tries to open a section of the wall.]

[Cut back to the hospital where Chase and Cameron are with the still-laughing cop in the hyperbaric chamber.]

Cameron: If you star having trouble breathing, you can press this button, and the chamber will decompress.

Joe: Like this?

Chase: Not now, if you have trouble!

Joe: [Keeps pressing the button and laughing] Ah, it’s broken.

Chase: [Takes it from him] If you have problems we’ll push it for you.

[Joe’s wrist suddenly twitches inwards, it looks painful]

Joe: Ouch!

Cameron: Muscle contracture.

Chase: How bad does it hurt?

Joe: Not at, not at all! [Laughs again, and watches his hand and wrist contract] Looks wild though huh?

Chase: Your brain’s not getting enough oxygen; you’re losing motor function. We should start this right away. [Looks to Cameron, and she nods]

Joe: [Laughs again] Should I be scared?

Cameron: No, you probably have a carbon monoxide leak in your place. We have a guy there checking things out.

[Joe stops laughing, and looks a little worried at that.]

[Cut to Foreman opening a door, and discovering an indoor pot farm.]

[Cut to the precinct]

House: [Bangs a vent with his cane] Sounds ok.

Female cop: How about the gas intake valve?

House: Looks great.

Female cop: It’s down in the furnace room.

House: Your system’s fine. If you had a carbon monoxide leak half the force would be sick.

Female cop: Then why are you here?

House: I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

[Thunks his bag down on a desk, and the woman being booked there looks up at him with a smile. House smiles back.]

House: Yeah. [to the female cop] I’ve uh, I’ve got a disability. [Hands the cop lots of tickets]

Female cop: These are speeding tickets.

House: A lot of emergencies. [She stares at him.] He’s feeling better now, but you never know.

Female cop: I’ll see what we can do.

[House hears a man coughing, and looks over. He sees an air conditioning unit]

House: Where does your partner sit?

[The cop points to the area where the air conditioning unit is.]

[Cut to Foreman and House walking back into the hospital.]

Foreman: The place is a cesspool. But I don’t think I need to test for anything.

House: Nope, waste of time.

Foreman: You know about the marijuana?

House: I’ve heard rumors since junior high.

Foreman: The cop’s acting high because he is high. He’s got-

House: Legionnaires’ disease. It’s a good thing Joe got shot; the whole precinct would have gotten wiped out. Anarchy on the streets-

Foreman: It takes 48 hours to test for Legionnaires’.

House: And only 2 seconds to recognize that the symptoms fit while staring at the rancid, unchanged water of an AC unit.

Foreman: Marijuana explains the high carboxy, the cloudy lungs, and the happiness.

House: Pot doesn’t explain the fact that he’s gotten worse since he was admitted. Why don’t we agree to disagree. Actually, why don’t we agree that you’ll disagree with me while treating him for Legionnaires’? It’s not as pithy, but…[he walks off]

[Cut to Joe’s room.]

Joe: I feel a lot better. The meds are working.

Foreman: Heart rate’s normal, COHb levels are down. No fever. Take some deep breaths. [Joe does]

Joe: You seem disappointed.

Foreman: Well I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Joe: You got a problem with cops?

Foreman: Please don’t talk.

[Chase walks in]

Joe: In my experience people who don’t just like cops have a reason.

Foreman: I need you not to talk. [Foreman listens to Joe’s breathing through a stethoscope.] No rales.

Chase: These clouded areas of the upper lobes, they’re the infiltrates we found yesterday.

Joe: Not there anymore?

Chase: They’re clearing up. You had Legionnaires’, now you don’t.

Joe: So you didn’t, uh, you didn’t find anything at my place?

[It is obvious that something is up, Joe is looking at them funny.]

Foreman: Nothing medically relevant.

Joe: So there’s uh, nothing I need to worry about then.

[Foreman walks over to his side, and you can see that Joe is not really looking at him.]

Foreman: Not this time. [He and Chase give each other looks, and Foreman turns the board with the films over so that the films are not showing.]

Chase: What’cha doing?

Foreman: Make sure he sees what’s involved. What we found was fairly advanced, these cloudy areas here [points to nothing on the back of the machine, but Joe nods] and here. These parts of your lungs simply weren’t functioning. [Looks at Joe who has not commented on nothing being there.]

Joe: But they’re ok now, right?

[Foreman waves his hand in front of Joe’s face, and there is no response.]

Joe: Everything’s ok now.

[Cut to Foreman checking Joe’s eyes with a slit lamp.]

Joe: I’m fine! [Leans forward, and smacks his head on the machine.]

Foreman: You’re blind.

Joe: I bumped into something. That doesn’t mean I can’t see.

Cameron: I’m sure it’s frightening, but you only think you…

Foreman: What’s Dr. Cameron wearing?

Joe: [Looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.

Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You’re blind.

[Joe smiles sadly.]

[Cut to the office]

Chase: He really thinks he can see.

Foreman: He can physically see. His brain just can’t process it.

House: No chance this is a practical joke?

Foreman: No way. Anton’s blindness indicates damage to both occipital lobes.

Cameron: Must be from the trauma.

House: Bullet fragments just happened to hit the same spot in both lobes? Stroke could cause Anton’s blindness and euphoria. Officer Krupke is clotting in his brain. Start heparin to thin the blood. Find the clot and yank it out.

Foreman: The clot would be at the top of the bilateral vertebral arteries.

House: Great! Chase, stick your fingers in there, and grope around until you find it. Oh wait! When you turn him into a vegetable then there’s gonna be frivolous lawsuits. You know what would be better? Contrast MRI. Do we have one of those?

Chase: We can’t do an MRI. If the bullet fragment’s magnetic, they’ll move and rip his brain apart.

House: Well, let’s flip a coin. Heads MRI, tails he dies.

Foreman: Police-issued Kevlar vests don’t have the ceramic plate insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own, meaning Baby Shoes was using .38 caliber hollow points, which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.

[Cameron looks impressed, and House smirks]

House: It’s just so cool that you know that!

Cameron: We could do an angio to find the clotting.

House: Waste of time. The skull creates too much artifact. We’ll never get a decent view.

Chase: Next best thing to an MRI.

House: And a waste of time.

Foreman: An angio might show…

House: OH GOD…it’s a coup! Fine go do your angio. When you’re done wasting your time, come meet me down in the morgue.

[House walks off. Foreman, Chase and Cameron look very confused as to why House would have them meet in the morgue.]

[Cut to Joe in a procedure room.]

Cameron: We’re going to snake a catheter in your femoral artery and up into your brain so we can check for clots.

[Foreman lays a lead bib over Joe’s lower extremities]

Foreman: Keep this on throughout the procedure, unless the pot’s already made you sterile.

Joe: I have a stressful job. You got no idea.

Foreman: I grew up with cops like you. One part bully, nine parts hypocrite.

[Cameron looks decidedly uncomfortable, and Foreman goes into the control room, Cameron joins him a moment later.]

Cameron: What is wrong with you?

Foreman: Just having some fun.

Cameron: The man is sick and scared.

Foreman: The man is a crooked cop.

Cameron: Maybe you should take yourself off the case, Foreman.

Foreman: You don’t have to like someone to be their doctor. [Goes onto the intercom] Hey how you doing there buddy? Just sit still, and we’ll have you back out there scaring the crap out of people in no time. [Smiles slightly] Happy?

[Cameron gives him a dirty look]

[Cut to the morgue, with Chase checking out the angio]

House: What did the angio tell us?

[House is going through the various freezers, checking on the bodies.]

Chase: What are you looking for?

House: I called my mom. She didn’t pick up. What did the angio tell us?

Cameron: That Foreman should be off this case.

House: He’s a neurologist. Unless you think the patient’s optic nerve is in his spleen.

Cameron: He doesn’t like cops.

House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I ever get separated shopping…

Foreman: I was just busting the guy’s chops.

House: See! He was just busting the guy’s chops. Foreman is essential to solving this case. Medically, what did the angio tell us?

Chase: There appears to be some clotting, possibly around the Circle of Willis. Based on the progression of symptoms, the clot is growing. We need to cut into-

House: Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pileup? Or just a really slow bus in the center lane, and if it is a bus is it a thrombotic bus, or an embolic bus? Think I pushed that metaphor too far. [While he is talking, he is pulling a corpse out of one freezer. He then walks over to the tray on the side.]

Foreman: Angio can’t tell us that kind of information.

House: Oh, so you’re saying it was just a waste of time?

Foreman: It gave us some information without killing him.

House: You don’t know that an MRI will kill him!

Foreman: The bullets have a ferrous base!

House: Little tiny pieces trapped in his head. They’re not going anywhere! [House puts in ear plugs]

Chase: Maybe it’s worth attempting surgery to remove the fragments.

House: Surgeons say inoperable, and the patient’s on blood thinners. Other than that, perfect plan. [Pulls a gun out of a plastic bag]

Cameron: You got a better plan?

House: Much! [Shoots the corpse in the head, and then looks at the team…Cameron is trying to cover her ears, Chase looks like he’s going to run away screaming, and Foreman is grinning] Bullet’s identical to the one Baby Shoes popped Joe with. Let’s see how magnetic it is.

[The morgue attendant appears in the doorway from the next room.]

Attendant: Did anyone hear a…[Sees House with the gun]

House: I shot him! He’s dead! [Sees that Foreman is still grinning, and looks at him funny]

[Cut to Chase and Foreman wheeling the gurney with the corpse on it into the MRI suite.]

Cameron: The bullet split into four fragments, no exit wounds.

House: Only used a half-load of gunpowder.

Cameron: It won’t be exactly precise comparing the location on an x-ray to an MRI.

House: How unprofessional was Foreman?

Foreman: Ask him yourself. He’s right here. [Very sarcastic, and waves his arms dramatically]

Cameron: Worse than usual, better than you. He berated Joe for being a bad cop.

House: Berated or humiliated?

Cameron: I’m not sure. I didn’t have my thesaurus with me.

House: One implies he took pleasure in it. I want to know if it was repressed black anger, or just giddiness.

Foreman: Whoa! Whoa! You think I’m sick?

House: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly.

Foreman: The fact that I’ve grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.

House: [Using the intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance! [He sees Chase struggling with the body in the background]

[Cuddy walks in]

Cuddy: I can’t even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.

House: Well if I’d shot a live person, there’s a lot more paperwork.

Cuddy: Then it won’t be a problem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head.

House: The man donated his body to science! Yes, it’s a tragedy! If I hadn’t shot him, his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.

Chase: He’s set.

Cuddy: Do not turn that on, House!

House: You’re mad because I put a bullet in his head. At the worst, all I’m doing now is taking it out.

[He turns the machine on]

[Cut to the body. The bullet fragments move slowly to the surface of the skull, and then burst out and break the MRI.]

[Cuddy gives House a scathing look]

House: My bad.

[Cut to House’s office, he is sitting there, head down, tapping on his cane with his fingers. Foreman is sitting backwards in a chair, looking much like House. Cameron is looking seriously nervous, and sitting on the countertop.]

[Chase walks in.]

Chase: [Clears throat] They have to, uh, shut down the magnet to fix it. MRI’s gonna be out of commission for at least two weeks.

[Foreman giggles, and Chase sighs]

House: Well it doesn’t matter; we obviously can’t use it on this patient.

Cameron: No, but there are other doctors in this hospital, and other patients.

House: That helps explain how they can afford all the fancy equipment. I’m sure not pulling my weight.

Foreman: Is doing nothing an option? [Looks at all the others] I’m just saying, maybe the clot will break up on its own. The giddiness seems to have gone away.

Chase: The blindness hasn’t.

House: Echo his heart.

Cameron: Looking for what? The problem is obviously neurological.

House: Clots are in his brain. The source of the clots may not be. Do a complete transthoracic echocardiogram. Maybe we get lucky. Maybe the clots are coming from his heart.

[They get up and leave, and House watches Foreman carefully]

[Cut to the echo screen]

Chase: Heart’s clean.

Cameron: Where else can we look?

Chase: We could ultrasound his legs, look for a DVT. I need you to move over.

[Joe starts to seize]

Chase: Tachycardia, heart rate 150 and rising.

[Blood starts to pour out of the wounds on Joe’s face]

Chase: Get the saline wide open!

Cameron: He’s bleeding out!

Foreman: [Standing off to the side, looking at his nails, and speaking very sarcastically] House wanted to thin his blood, sure did a good job!

[Cameron looks at him angrily.]

Cameron: BP’s crashing, he’s going into shock!

Chase: Intracranial bleeding. We need to relieve the pressure!

Cameron: We need a surgical team.

[Foreman still stands off to the side, and is now laughing outright]

Cameron: Foreman, get out!

Foreman: Boy is he screwed! We clot his blood…he dies. We thin it…he dies! [Very laughingly, not serious at all, keeps laughing] Am I the only one to find this funny?

[Off Chase and Cameron’s looks, they are both very concerned, as Foreman keeps laughing]

Foreman: Oh man!

[Cut to an isolation room, with lots of suits in the airlock. Camera pans over to reveal people in HAZMAT gear in the room, and Foreman there, wearing his regular clothes.]

Foreman: [Talking to House through the glass] I’m not sick!

House: Did you hear the one about the guy who bled into his brain and had to have a hole drilled into his skull to relieve the pressure? Hilarious!

Foreman: Someone laughs, they’re dying? That’s absurd!

House: But not funny.

Foreman: If I’m not sick, all you’re doing is locking me up with the source. I’ll get sick prove you right.

House: If you’re not sick, it’s not contagious and you’ve got nothing to worry about. If you are sick, the two of you are staying in here until we find out why. So you might want to make friends with the pig. [Foreman laughs] Good news is I can finally get my MRI.

Foreman: No you can’t! You blew up the machine!

House: Not the portable one, Chuckles. [Foreman stops laughing] Chase and Cameron are bringing it to scan your non-bullet riddled head.

Foreman: Wher… where you going?

House: To the office, got work to do. Eat your meals, take your temperature every half hour, and any meds I command you to take.

Foreman: So I’m just a regular patient now?

House: No! You get your own thermometer!

[House passes the thermometer through the window and walks off. Foreman giggles]

[Cut to House’s office, where he is drawing some of his own blood. Chase and Cameron walk in]

House: Check your blood, anyone with an elevated SED rate gets to be Foreman’s new roomie.

Cameron: He should be a part of this.

House: He’s a patient.

Cameron: He’s not irrational…

House: He’s not objective.

Cameron: He’s got the most motivation to get this diagnosed.

House: Right. You’re not even friends with him, why would you care? [Looks at the MRI which Chase has put on the light box] There’s an area of increased T-2 attenuation is the cingulate cortex.

Chase: Kind of mushy.

House: Cingulate cortex control emotions. This mushy spot explains the euphoria. Question is, what’s causing the mush?

Cameron: Question you might want to ask… a neurologist. Foreman is a selfish jerk, but he’s a neurologist, and he’s the only one who’s been in that apartment.

House: This is why he shouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t call him a jerk if he was here. If you think he screwed up at that apartment, you’d keep it to yourself.

Cameron: No! I-

House: Well we’ll never know; as long as he’s not here, he’s just like any other patient. Which means we can dump on him all we want. What’s eating the selfish jerk’s brain?

Chase: West Nile, or Eastern Equine Encephalitis…

House: Test Foreman’s blood. Given that he’s the only one that got it, person to person transmission is less likely then some sort of deadly toxin that Foreman picked up at the guy’s home. Who wants to go next?

[Looks at both Cameron and Chase, and eventually Cameron turns to go.]

House: Whoa! You’re ready to sacrifice yourself for a guy that doesn’t consider you a friend?

Cameron: He’s just a patient right? It’s the job.

[She turns to walk away]

House: Hey! You don’t have to go anywhere. Joe’s apartment is right downstairs in the lab. Foreman brought back samples of everything.

Chase: What was that, ‘Who wants to go next’? Some kind of test?

House: Don’t worry. You made the right call. Foreman stumbled into whatever it is without knowing, and he’s way smarter than you are.

[Chase gives him an snide smile, and walks out after Cameron]

[Cut to the lab where Cameron is running the samples that Foreman brought back]

[Cut to the room where Joe and Foreman are both being kept. Chase is there in a HAZMAT suit, trying to draw blood from Foreman. It’s not going well]

Foreman: Ow! Damn Chase! [giggles] You suck at this!

Chase: Sorry, it’s this damn suit.

Foreman: I can do it myself, and I’ll throw that out. What’d the MRI show? [Chase doesn’t answer] I can’t be a part of the differential, and I can’t even know what the differential is? You’d have told any other patient what you found out.

Chase: [sighs] MRI showed a lesion on your cingulate cortex.

Foreman: What’s he thinking?

Chase: Toxins are in the lead, viral’s a distant second.

Foreman: You think the lesion could be an abscess?

Chase: It’s just a small soft area, more mush than…

Foreman: Was there inflammation in the lining of the ventricles?

Chase: There was an increased signal there, yeah. [Foreman gets up] What’re you thinking?

Foreman: Staph infection. Toxins lead to neurodegeneration, which causes the lesion.

Chase: Not without a fever.

Foreman: The cop had a fever. Mine could be coming; I could’ve got it directly from him or a dirty dishtowel at his place. Give us Ommaya reservoirs, deliver linezolid directly into our brains, and we’re cured. [Smiles at Chase]

[Cut to House’s office again, House is moving around and Cameron is talking to him]

Cameron: Samples tested negative for toluene, arsenic, and lead.

House: What about the blood?

Chase: Negative for West Nile and Eastern Equine.

Cameron: We have to go back to Joe’s apartment, get more samples—

House: No one goes back to that place ‘til we know what we are looking for. Get some of that cop tape stick it over the doors and the windows.

Cameron: I’ll take all the HAZMAT precautions. The chance of infection is next to nothing.

House: Yeah, I was never that great a math, but next to nothing is… higher than nothing, right?

Cameron: It’s not your fault he got sick.

Chase: It would be his fault if we did.

House: We should get a sample directly from Joe’s brain

Cameron: We can’t do a biopsy. There’s too much edema from the bleeding because you gave him heparin.

House: Well I don’t think that this is the time to be pointing fingers. [He pauses] I didn’t give Foreman any.

Chase: [Stops and looks at House] You wanna give Foreman a brain biopsy?

House: Come on, really, who doesn’t?

[Cameron and Chase stand in shock and look at each other as though House said he wanted to get it on with Foreman.]

Chase: This could be a simple staph infection causing neurodegeneration.

House: Without a fever, not a chance.

Chase: Joe had a fever!

House: He also had Legionella.

Chase: The mush might be forming an abscess. And since there was inflammation in the lining of the ventricles, it makes sense. The staph releases toxins, causes neurodegeneration, causes a lesion.

House: This is a waste of time. [He begins to walk to leave the room]

Chase: We should put an Ommaya reservoir in Foreman’s brain to start administrating antibi-

House: If I’m gonna be arguing with Foreman, I may as well do it directly. [Turns around and walks out. Chase turns to look at Cameron.]

[Cut to Foreman lying on the bed, checking his temperature. The small beep indicates for him to look at it and he does. He sighs, looking at the thermometer and begins to move his left leg then his right.]

Foreman: Kernig’s sign negative. Brudzinski’s sign, single positive. [Looks over at Joe, who is moaning somewhat uncomfortably] Patient Joe Lureia distal and proximal arm contractures. Duration four seconds.

House: [Hits his cane on the window, gaining Foreman’s attention] Staph infection most commonly presents on the skin.

Foreman: [gets up from the bed and looks at House like he’s crazy (which not to negate he isn’t)] Most...commonly? You wanna treat me like any other patient, do it. But the House I know never uses phrases like ‘most commonly’

House: You’re not laughing anymore.

Foreman: No. [Pause] Think that’s a….good thing?

House: [Gives his typical “House Snark Unsure” face] Sort of doubt it. Staph would be in your heart, lungs, spleen, liver or kidneys before it gets to your brain. Your organs are clear. It’s not staph.

Foreman: The infection could be limited to a brain abscess.

House: Which I would’ve seen in your MRI [Sets down the cane and pulls out a paper from his jacket] Sign this so that I can take out a piece of your brain. [Puts the paper in the drawer for Foreman to retrieve it]

Foreman: [Gets up and walks over to House near the window] Let me see the MRI.

House: There was no abscess on the image.

Foreman: Let me see it then.

House: [Furrows his eyebrows and smirks] I liked you better when you were jolly. [walks over and gets the MRI, placing it on the window for Foreman to look at it.]

Foreman: MRI was taken over an hour ago. That soft spot can now be an abscess.

House: If it was staph you would have a fever, which you don’t!

Foreman: [Walks over to the window and puts the thermometer up to the window] 101.6.

House: [Looks at it quizzically] What idiot gave you that?

Foreman: [pointing the thermometer to House] Put the Ommaya reservoir in my skull and treat me for the staph.

[Cut to Foreman getting the Ommaya reservoir inserted. House, Cameron, and Chase are in the room with him]

Foreman: Triangle.

Chase: This one?

Foreman: [Looking at flashcards of shapes which Chase is showing him] Uh…Circle.

Chase: Next.

Foreman: [Stalls]

Chase: Foreman why aren’t you answering? Is there a problem?

Foreman: [Stutters] Uh…Square.

House: Tell me your date of birth.

Foreman: Is that House?

Chase: Yeah. Next?

Foreman: Square again. Why is he here?

House: Because my neurologist is having surgery!

Foeman: I thought I was just another patient.

House: You didn’t believe that crap did you? [Continues doing the procedure] Date of birth.

Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted into the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory.

House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could have sworn you said biopsy. Hey, I’m just messing with your head. Mother’s maiden name, please.

Foreman: Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

[Cut to Isolation. Joe is breathing heavily]

Joe: Hello? You awake? They told me somebody was sick like me.

Foreman: I’m up.

Joe: Your voice. Aren’t you my doctor?

Foreman: Not anymore.

Joe: You’re the guy who doesn’t like cops.

Foreman: [quiet] Yeah.

Joe: Can you see?

Foreman: You can’t?

Joe: Not a thing.

Foreman: You’ve been blind a while. The fact that you’re aware of it now, it could be a sign of improvement.

Joe: Ah! [Joe starts crying, clearly in a lot of pain, with shaky breath] It hurts so much, doesn’t it?

Foreman: I’m okay.

Joe: It’s gonna hurt. The morphine barely takes the edge off. I’m gonna die aren’t I?

Foreman: You die, I die. It’s not gonna happen.

Joe: Why not? Are you just too stubborn to die?

Foreman: They took a piece of my brain. Whatever’s wrong with us, they’ll find.

Joe: Do you believe in prayer?

Foreman: [tears up, his voice gets shaky] Not really.

Joe: Neither do I. My dad always prays.

Foreman: [Whisper] So does mine.

Joe: Do you wanna try it? Try praying?

Foreman: [Nods his head and whispers] Okay.

[Foreman pulls the bed up a little to get comfortable. The scene cuts to House in his office with the lights turned off, playing with a ball on his cane as Wilson walks in.]

Wilson: How is he?

House: Still dying. [House continues to play with the ball and doing it with precision]

Wilson: [Sighs, looking at House still playing with the ball.] Well you’ve mastered another skill though. That’s good.

Chase: We have Foreman’s biopsy results. Non-specific signs of inflammation

House: That’s it?

Chase: His result for staph: Negative. He’s not even a carrier.

House: Well, at least Foreman was wrong, too.

Wilson: Yeah there’s that.

Cameron: Can I go to Joe’s apartment now?

House: No. Go back to the lab. Start retesting all the samples that Foreman collected.

Chase: For what?

House: Everything. Bacteria, toxins, fungus, anything that likes to feast on brain.

Chase: That’s thousands…

House: Then Hurry! Cameron, suit up. You’re gonna monitor Foreman. He’s on to hand contractures; he’ll be on Anton's blindness soon. Run hourly checks because when he does go blind he won’t be able to tell us. We’ll use the data to construct a timeline so we’ll see how far behind Joe he is.

[Everyone stands around for a moment and House looks at them like they’re dumbnuts]

House: Why are you still here?

[Chase and Cameron leave, Wilson stays]

Wilson: You’re being cautious. You’re being…common. When you don’t give a crap-

House: [turns around angrily and interrupts Wilson] How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.

Wilson: It’s just another case, huh?

House: I’ll bet you can even have unprotected sex with your cancer patients without even catching a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job. [Turns around]

[Wilson looks at House for a moment, raises his eyebrows and turns to walk away. House bangs the end of his cane on the desk.]

[Cut to Joe who is obviously in pain, making moaning sounds. His heart rate is going up.]

Cameron: [Looking into Foreman’s eyes] Biopsy showed nothing.

Foreman: [Watches Cameron turn around] How can it be nothing? You cut out a piece of my brain.

Cameron: It’s nothing personal, we just didn’t find anything.

Foreman: [Joe is in the background making very loud noises in which he is in excruciating pain] Can you just up his morphine for God’s sake?

Cameron: [Sighs a little, still turned around] He’s already maxed out. 20 milligrams per hour.

Foreman: What about toxins?

Cameron: Everything was negative.

Foreman: There was a cupboard above the stove. Did you see it? I didn’t check all the food…but it could be listeriosis.

Cameron: I didn’t go back. [Shines a light in his eye] Follow right.

Foreman: Who did?

Cameron: House said we shouldn’t go. Too dangerous.

Foreman: The answer’s gotta be in that apartment. Not going is too dangerous!

Cameron: I’m sorry.

Foreman: You’re thankful. If House would’ve pointed at you instead of me, you’d be the one in here.

Cameron: Look straight forward tell me when you can see the light.

Foreman: It’s your job to go back, you’re a doctor! You go where the disease is!

Cameron: Say it when you can see the light.

Foreman: [yelling] I’m dying and you’re sitting here measuring how fast I go?

Cameron: [Yelling back] Tell me when you can see the light!

Foreman: [Slaps the flashlight out of her hand] My vision is fine!

[Cut to the flashlight hits the floor right next to a needle]

Cameron: Your left side periphery is reduced!

Foreman: It’s fine! I’ll prove it! [Bends over and picks up the needle and stabs her with it]

Cameron: Ow! Son of a bitch!

[Cameron stands there, looking mortified with her hand over the area he stabbed her with the infected needle]

Foreman: Now we’re both exposed. You got two choices: you can go tell House what just happened and get your own cot brought in here or you can go back to that apartment….you save me, the cop, and yourself.

[Cut to Chase and House standing outside of the room, House resting his head against the window. You can hear Joe screaming in agony from the pain that he’s enduring]

Chase: It’s not SSPE. I checked your past vaccinations against Joe’s. No batch matches.

Foreman: Does the blood show antibodies for Coxsackievirus? [Joe continues to get louder as he’s going through more pain] Guys, could you please shut him up?

Chase: He’s over his limit on morphine.

House: Where’s Cameron?

Chase: She said she has some stuff to do. Said she’d be back soon.

[Joe’s in the background screaming ‘no’ as House looks over at Foreman through the window. The scene cuts to Cameron in front of the apartment suited up and cutting through the covering over the door before she goes inside.]

[Cut to Joe’s screaming even louder, the pain evident as his body starts to almost convulse from the immense pain he’s enduring. Foreman hits his hand on the box that can transfer items from where House and Chase are over to him, turning around and opening a drawer.]

Chase: What are you doing?

[Foreman pulls out a needle and takes off the cap. He walks over toward Joe and pull up the IV tube]

Chase: [yelling] Foreman!

[Chase bangs on the door to try to catch Foreman’s attention, Foreman inserts the needle and pulls back the plunger on the syringe.]

House: Imagine being constantly reminded of the pain you’re about to be in.

[Forman looks over at House and Chase and looks back down at Joe]

Joe: [Begging] I can’t take it! Stop it, please stop it. [Foreman consoles him by placing a hand on his shoulder and whispering “shhh”]

Chase: [Hitting the window, yelling] Mainline morphine into his carotid could stop his heart!

House: So could pain-induced stress cardiomyopathy. Either the morphine kills him or the pain does.

Chase: [Obviously flabbergasted] You’re condoning this?

House: I’m certainly not going in there to stop him.

[Cut to Foreman and Joe. Joe now silent and looking at Foreman, obviously in so much pain he’s rendered speechless]

Foreman: I’m gonna make you feel better.

[Cut to Foreman inserting the needle into Joe’s neck giving him the injection. Joe lets out a small moan, Chase places his hands on his pretty hair and looks stressed. House just looks like…well…House. Cut back to Joe growing quiet for a second, Foreman watching him before Joe begins to scream again even louder than all the other bloody times.]

[Cut back to House moving closer to the window and looking in.]

House: Joe has a new symptom: hyperalgesia.

[Cut to Foreman who looks over his shoulder.]

[Cut to House again]

House: The infection is spreading into the pain center of the brain.

[Cut to Chase for his reaction then cut to Foreman as he’s looking down at Joe, who is writhing in pain. Foreman turns around and walks over in front of where House and Chase are standing, tossing the needle, eyes wide and scared.]

Joe: Ow, please stop, ow…Ow…

Foreman: His brain is telling him that his whole body is in pain. Because of the location, the painkillers do nothing.

[Cut to House looking over at Chase.]

House: Suit up. Put the guy in a coma before the pain kills him.

[Cut to Chase looking at House for a moment before going to do it. Cut to Foreman looking at House. House looks at Foreman and shakes his head. Foreman turns around looking at Joe. Cut to Cameron in the apartment walking around picking up items and getting samples. Cut to Foreman and House back at the hospital]

Foreman: What if he used cedar wood to hide the pot smell? Aureobasidium fungus can grow there.

House: Did you find any cedar wood anywhere?

Foreman: No. But maybe..,

House: Maybe what? [looks at Foreman] Maybe somebody can go back and take a second look? And why aren’t you pissed off that Cameron’s playing hooky while your life hangs in the balance?

[Cut to Foreman who turns around and begins to walk away.]

[Cut to Chase looking over at him. Cut to House doing the House ‘I’m studying your every move’ look]

[Cut back to Cameron holding a garbage bag full of items. Cut to her exiting the apartment.]

House: [sitting on a chair in the hallway] Why doesn’t anyone listen to me anymore?

Cameron: I decided you were wrong.

House: God, you’re weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you’re not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.

[Cut to Cameron taking off the suit]

Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.

[Cut back for a House close-up]

House: Wow.

Cameron: Yeah.

House: God, you’re weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. I’ve got a gun in my desk. Last thing on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.

Cameron: I’m not here for Foreman; I’m here to save myself.

House: Ehh….[bounces head back and forth] Even with a needle stick, your chances of infection are pretty slim. That’s why you’re wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?

[Cut to Cameron who looks down and grabs the bag. House puts his cane in front to her and blocks her from moving on]

House: Give me the bag. [grabs something out] Mildewed dishtowel.

Cameron: To retest for staph.

House: What is that, mouse droppings?

Cameron: Hamster droppings. Could carry Toxocara. Explain the blindness.

House: Now that I recognize as oven crud.

Cameron: Could be meat with Trichinella. Would explain the high fever.

House: What’s with rye bread?

Cameron: Mold could be responsible for ergot poisoning which would explain the contractures.

House: Three loaves.

Cameron: So?

House: [goes silent for a moment, thinking] You’re going back in there.

[Cut to House on the phone talking]

House: [talking to Cameron] Guy who lives on takeout pizza does not buy three loaves of rye. That’s looking too far into the future unless he cares about something a lot more than his diet.

[Cut to Cameron opening the window and going outside]

House: You on the roof yet?

Cameron: Yeah, I’m here. I don’t see any birds.

House: Whistle or something. [Cut to House looking outside] Do that come hither thing.

[Cameron rolls her eyes and begins to coo and toss bread. Birds come very quickly.]

Cameron: Whoa.

House: They came that fast because it’s their behavior pattern. Joe’s been feeding them. Now look down, you see a river of pigeon turd?

Cameron: Uhhh... no. There’s barely any.

House: It’s not weird, it’s cheap. Joe’s the guy who looks for the easy way.

[Cut to Cameron opening the door back into the pot room]

House: Probably been stealing cable from his neighbors. Why not steal fertilizer from rats with wings? You see a shovel or a dustpan?

[Cut from House back to Cameron in the pot room looking and finding a bucket]

Cameron: Found a scraper; it looks used. Sitting on a bucket.

House: Bucket full of pigeon crap. Perfect home for Cryptococcus neoformans.

Cameron: [opening the bucket] Yup.

House: Fungus enters the brain through the sphenoidal sinus, where it dances its triple threat of happiness, blindness and intractable pain. Let’s hope this experience teaches our cop a lesson: don’t cut corners when you’re growing your pot. See you back home.

[Cut back to the hospital]

Foreman: I was there. I should’ve found it.

Chase: Yeah…you could’ve saved us a lot of time.

Foreman: Give me a flush of ampho B and flucytosine. I’ll start us both.

Chase: I was waiting for the lab confirmation, I haven’t heard from House yet.

Foreman: Look at his EEG. Beta bands have been increasing steadily since we put him under. Guy’s unconscious but still in pain.

Chase: Beta bands could indicate at least half a dozen different things.

Foreman: [wincing in pain] One of which is pain. The fact that he’s no longer screaming makes us feel better. Not necessarily him.

[Chase nods and turns around to walk away]

Foreman: Chase! How’s Cameron?

Chase: She’s not giddy.

[Cut to Cameron in the lab]

[Cut to Chase in the room administering the drugs]

[Cut to House erasing the board]

[Cut back to Cameron]

[Cut to House playing a wannabe version of lacrosse with his cane and ball]

[Cut back to the lab where the clock dings, and Cameron looks at the results, tries to call but her phone is not in service, she begins to run]

Chase: Fever’s down. White count’s improving.

Foreman: Has she said anything to you?

Chase: You mean like, ‘I can plainly understand why Foreman did what he did and I hold no grudge?’

Foreman: What I did, did save my life.

[Cut to Cameron running]

[Cut back to Foreman and Joe whose heart beat is going haywire. Chase tries to suit up, but Foreman begins to chew at his IVs and takes them out]

Foreman: Get in here and help, forget the suit! He’s tachycardic. Wide complex. Looks like V-tach.

Cameron: It’s not Cryptococcus

Foreman: What?

Cameron: House was wrong. The samples were negative [begins to run again]

Foreman: So what is it?

Cameron: We don’t know!

Chase: Give him the amio

Foreman: We have any more leads?

Cameron: Nope. That was our lead.

[More people are now coming into the room as Foreman gives Joe a shot through the IV, the sound of his heart rate still increased]

Cameron: Foreman!

Foreman: This treatment isn’t doing anything…

Cameron: Foreman!

[Joe’s heart flatlines]

Cameron: He’s in V-fib!

[Foreman goes to the cart and begins to get the pads ready and shocks Joe with them]

Chase: No good! Hit him again!

Foreman: Come on man…come on, Joe

Cameron: Hit him again!

[Foreman begins to groan in pain, and shakes his hand to subside the reaction and hits Joe again with the pads]

Chase: Give him an amp of epi!

[Foreman turns around and pulls out the needle and injects the IV again]

Foreman: Nothing! [He begins to do CPR on Joe]

Cameron: He has multiple system failure.

[Foreman continues the CPR reps on Joe’s chest]

Chase: Foreman.

[Cut to House walking in seeing Foreman doing the reps]

House: Foreman. Foreman! Time of death.

Foreman: No. [continues]

House: Time of death. 12:26 p.m.

[House walks away, Foreman looks like he’s going to flip because he thinks he’s about to die. TO BE CONTINUED….]
Doc On Duty

House MD - 2.21 Euphoria (2)

Originally Aired: May 3 2006

Written by: Garret Lerner, Russel Friend & David Shore
Directed by: Deren Sarafian

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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Doc On Duty

House MD - 2.22 Forever

Originally Aired: May 9 2006

Written by: Liz Friedman
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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Doc On Duty

House MD - 2.23 Who's Your Daddy?

Originally Aired: May 16 2006

Written by: Charles M. Duncan (story), Lawrence Kaplow (teleplay) & John Mankiewicz (story and teleplay)
Directed by: Martha Mitchell

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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Doc On Duty

House MD - 2.24 No Reason

Originally Aired: May 23 2006

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow (story) & David Shore (story & teleplay)
Directed by: David Shore

Transcribed by: Mari (musikologie)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.

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Doc On Duty

Episode Transcript Index



SEASON ONE SEASON TWO SEASON THREE
1.01 - Pilot
1.02 - Paternity
1.03 - Occam's Razor
1.04 - Maternity
1.05 - Damned If You Do
1.06 - The Socratic Method
1.07 - Fidelity
1.08 - Poison
1.09 - DNR
1.10 - Histories
1.11 - Detox
1.12 - Sports Medicine
1.13 - Cursed
1.14 - Control
1.15 - Mob Rules
1.16 - Heavy
1.17 - Role Model
1.18 - Babies & Bathwater
1.19 - Kids
1.20 - Love Hurts
1.21 - Three Stories
1.22 - The Honeymoon
2.01 - Acceptance
2.02 - Autopsy
2.03 - Humpty Dumpty
2.04 - TB or Not TB
2.05 - Daddy's Boy
2.06 - Spin
2.07 - Hunting
2.08 - The Mistake
2.09 - Deception
2.10 - Failure to Communicate
2.11 - Need to Know
2.12 - Distractions
2.13 - Skin Deep
2.14 - Sex Kills
2.15 - Clueless
2.16 - Safe
2.17 - All In
2.18 - Sleeping Dogs Lie
2.19 - House vs. God
2.20 - Euphoria (1)
2.21 - Euphoria (2)
2.22 - Forever
2.23 - Who's Your Daddy?
2.24 - No Reason
3.01 - Meaning
3.02 - Cane & Able
3.03 - Informed Consent
3.04 - Lines in the Sand
3.05 - Fools for Love
3.06 - Que Será Será
3.07 - Son of a Coma Guy
3.08 - Whac-A-Mole
3.09 - Finding Judas
3.10 - Merry Little Christmas
3.11 - Words and Deeds
3.12 - One Day, One Room
3.13 - Needle in a Haystack
3.14 - Insensitive
3.15 - Half-Wit
3.16 - Top Secret
3.17 - Fetal Position
3.18 - Airborne
3.19 - Act Your Age
3.20 - House Training
3.21 - Family
3.22 - Resignation
3.23 - The Jerk
3.24 - Human Error

SEASON FOUR SEASON FIVE SEASON SIX
4.01 - Alone
4.02 - The Right Stuff
4.03 - 97 Seconds
4.04 - Guardian Angels
4.05 - Mirror, Mirror
4.06 - Whatever It Takes
4.07 - Ugly
4.08 - You Don't Want to Know
4.09 - Games
4.10 - It's a Wonderful Lie
4.11 - Frozen
4.12 - Don't Ever Change
4.13 - No More Mr. Nice Guy
4.14 - Living the Dream
4.15 - House’s Head
4.16 - Wilson’s Heart
5.01 - Dying Changes Everything
5.02 - Not Cancer
5.03 - Adverse Events
5.04 - Birthmarks
5.05 - Lucky Thirteen
5.06 - Joy
5.07 - The Itch
5.08 - Emancipation
5.09 - Last Resort
5.10 - Let Them Eat Cake
5.11 - Joy to the World
5.12 - Painless
5.13 - Big Baby
5.14 - The Greater Good
5.15 - Unfaithful
5.16 - The Softer Side
5.17 - The Social Contract
5.18 - Here Kitty
5.19 - Locked In
5.20 - Simple Explanation
5.21 - Saviors
5.22 - House Divided
5.23 - Under My Skin
5.24 - Both Sides Now
6.01 - Broken, Part One
6.02 - Broken, Part Two
6.03 - Epic Fail
6.04 - The Tyrant
6.05 - Instant Karma
6.06 - Brave Heart
6.07 - Known Unknowns
6.08 - Teamwork
6.09 - Ignorance is Bliss
6.10 - Wilson
6.11 - The Down Low
6.12 - Remorse
6.13 - Moving the Chains
6.14 - 5 to 9
6.15 - Private Lives
6.16 - Black Hole
6.17 - Lockdown
6.18 - Knight Fall
6.19 - Open and Shut
6.20 - The Choice
6.21 - Baggage
6.22 - Help Me

SEASON SEVEN SEASON EIGHT
7.01 - Now What?
7.02 - Selfish
7.03 - Unwritten
7.04 - Massage Therapy
7.05 - Unplanned Parenthood
7.06 - Office Politics
7.07 - A Pox on Our House
7.08 - Small Sacrifices
7.09 - Larger Than Life
7.10 - Carrot or Stick
7.11 - Family Practice
7.12 - You Must Remember This
7.13 - Two Stories
7.14 - Recession Proof
7.15 - Bombshells
7.16 - Out of the Chute
7.17 - Fall from Grace
7.18 - The Dig
7.19 - Last Temptation
7.20 - Changes
7.21 - The Fix
7.22 - After Hours
7.23 - Moving On
8.01 - Twenty Vicodin
8.02 - Transplant
8.03 - Charity Case
8.04 - Risky Business
8.05 - The Confession
8.06 - Parents
8.07 - Dead & Burried
8.08 - Perils of Paranoia
8.09 - Better Half
8.10 - Runaways
8.11 - Nobody’s Fault
8.12 - Chase
8.13 - Man of the House
8.14 - Love is Blind
8.15 - Blowing the Whistle
8.16 - Gut Check
8.17 - We Need the Eggs
8.18 - Body and Soul
8.19 - The C-Word
8.20 - Post Mortem
8.21 - Holding On
8.22 - Everybody Dies