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House MD - 3.19 Act Your Age

Originally Aired: Apr 17 2007

Written by: Sara Hess
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim

Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



[In a day care centre, lots of kids doing various activities like painting, one kid has a very bloody nose and his teacher is futilely trying to stop the bleeding.]

JANIE: Jasper hold still. [Jasper continues to squirm.] Stop squirming.

[Jasper's Dad walks in.]

DERAN: What did he do now?

JANIE: He got in another fight and I can't get his nose to stop bleeding.

DERAN: You have to apply much more pressure than that. [Deran takes over. Jasper starts coughing.] [To Jasper.] You had to do this today. I got office hours, supposed to have dinner with the Dean, you just can't lash out whenever you get angry.

JASPER: He said I smelt like a monkey.

DERAN: Well you do. You can't refuse to take a bath and then hit kids who tell you that you smell. [Blood is still pouring from Jaspers nose.] Damn. [Grabs more tissues.]

JANIE: Don't you think we should call 911?

DERAN: No, this isn't his first nosebleed. He'll be fine.

[Little girl comes running over.]

LUCY: Daddy!

DERAN: Hey Lucy-Goosy.

LUCY: I'm playing doctor.

DERAN: So am I. Can you go back and play?

[Lucy leaves. Deran turns his attention back on the bloody nose and squeezes harder.]

JASPER: Ow.

DERAN: [To Janie.] When was this fight?

JANIE: Over 10 minutes ago.

[Deran looks worried, nose is still bleeding.]

JASPER: I feel dizzy.

DERAN: [To Janie.] Maybe you should make that call.

JANIE: OK. [Goes to get a phone.]

[Lucy comes back, still playing doctor.]

LUCY: Daddy, look. I can help.

DERAN: No, that's great honey. Can you just please leave Daddy alone!

[Lucy walks away. Janie comes back.]

JANIE: They're sending an ambulance.

[Deran takes the tissue away from Jasper's nose, it appears to have finally stopped bleeding. Deran looks relieved.]

DERAN: Call them back. He'll be fine. [To Jasper.] How you feeling, Bud? You light headed?

JASPER: Lucy.

[Deran looks around to see Lucy lying flat on her back on the floor breathing very heavily. A bunch of kids rush over to her.]

DERAN: Oh, God. [Runs over to Lucy.] Lucy? Are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you OK? Lucy? Lucy?


[Opening credits]


[Diagnostics Office. Evening. Ducklings are getting ready to leave. Cuddy walks past, looks into the Diagnostics office then continues on to enter House's office. House, who also looks ready to leave, sees her coming.]

HOUSE: [Quietly to himself] Oh for God's sakes. [Cuddy walks through the door] Stop! Don't move. The way the soft evening light catches your eyes. [Cuddy smiles] The gentle caress of the dusk on her hair as you turn around and leave my office without giving me that file.

CUDDY: [Comes in anyway.] Restrictive pericarditis.

HOUSE: Boring.

CUDDY: She's in kindergarten.

HOUSE: Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years.

CUDDY: It's calcified and she's hypertensive.

HOUSE: Then get her into surgery.

CUDDY: She already is in surgery.

HOUSE: Tricky procedure. It's going to take all night. [House takes the file and throws it on his desk.] Sleep tight. [Starts to leave.]

CUDDY: [Picks up the file and follows House.] No congenital defects, no health problems, but her heart is strangling itself.

HOUSE: Fascinating, but since the pathology on the pericardium won't be back until after they remove it. [Cuddy gets in front of House and stops him moving by putting the file on his chest. House sighs and takes the file.]

CUDDY: Get started on her blood, you can test for viral infections, bacteria... [House opens the door to the diagnostics office in Cuddy's face. Throws the file on the table.]

HOUSE: [To the ducklings.] Round up the usual suspects. Amyloidosis, sarcoidosis, hemochromatosis... Heck, go wild, do all the osises. [Ducklings don't look too pleased to be staying late.] [To Cuddy.] All taken care of, sleep tight. [Leaves.]


[Cut to a visual of Lucy's surgery. Ducklings are watching from the observation deck.]

FOREMAN: This thing is already all around her heart. If it gets into the muscle she's dead.

CHASE: Best bet's Coxsackie virus, Parvovirus B19, CMV...

CAMERON: Bacterial infection is more likely to turn constrictive. It could be TB.

CHASE: Right. Forgot about the part where she did time in Russian gulag. Her hematocrit’s elevated.

CAMERON: Few extra blood cells means nothing. She's probably just dehydrated.

CHASE: Yes and I could assume 3 or 4 things to fit my theory too.

CAMERON: She's sick. She obviously hasn't been drinking enough...

FOREMAN: Enough! [Chase and Cameron stop and look at Foreman.] I take it you two aren't sleeping together anymore? We do what House said. We test for everything.

CHASE: Good. [Hands Cameron the file.] Then I can go home. [Starts to leave.]

CAMERON: Since when does we not include you?

CHASE: Well House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot. [Leaves.]


[Cut to House in Diagnostics office talking to a very tired looking Cameron and Foreman.]

HOUSE: You guys are idiots.

CAMERON: Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?

HOUSE: No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to do and have nothing to show for it.

FOREMAN: We eliminated dozens of wrong answers.

HOUSE: I asked you what 2 + 2 equals and a day later you tell me not 25.

[Chase walks in looking well rested]

CHASE: The pathology report just got filed. Found granulomas in Lucy's pericardium. [Hands House the report.] Could be a case of fungal infection.

HOUSE: Nice work.

CAMERON: He went home!

HOUSE: Work smart, not hard. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Find out which fungus, biopsy a lymph node. Take employee of the month with you.

CAMERON: I would rather Foreman...

HOUSE: I know. [Walks into his office.]

[Cameron and Chase glare at each other.]


[Aerial of PPTH, Morning.]

[Cut to Chase in Lucy's room, doing the biopsy.]

LUCY: I don't want any more shots.

JASPER: [Imitating Lucy while playing his PSP.] I don't want any more shots.

DERAN: Jasper. [To Lucy.] Look at me, Goosy. Squeeze my hand, ok? [Lucy nods.]

CHASE: This will tell us why you are sick so we can make you all better.

DERAN: [To Cameron.] Where would she pick up a fungus?

CAMERON: Anywhere moist. Around a pool, locker room, public shower...

DERAN: She doesn't have any gym or swim classes, she doesn't even like to play with kids outside.

CAMERON: You haven't taken any trips, gone anywhere new?

DERAN: It's been hard to get away, since their mom...

JASPER: Our mom's dead.

CAMERON: I'm sorry.

DERAN: Last year, brain cancer.

[Chase grabs the biopsy needle.]

JASPER: You're going to stick that thing in her arm? Cool!

CAMERON: The cool part is, your sister won't feel a thing.

[Chase starts the biopsy. Jasper's attention suddenly turns to Cameron.]

JASPER: Nice necklace.

CAMERON: Thanks.

JASPER: You like video games?

CAMERON: Love them.

[Jasper smiles, Chase finishes the biopsy]

CHASE: That should do it. You OK?

LUCY: I want my bunny.

[Cameron grabs the bunny and holds it out to Lucy, Lucy tries to grab it but misses. Then tries again and misses again.]

DERAN: Are you being silly?

LUCY: I didn't know which one to take.

[Camera shows us Lucy's point of view, she has double vision.]

[Camera goes back to normal]

DERAN: [Looking worried.] What do you mean? [To Cameron and Chase.] What's happening?

[Lucy looks scared.]


[Cut to House and Ducklings in Diagnostics Office]

HOUSE: So, what does the double vision tell us?

CAMERON: Slit lamp revealed the eye’s anterior chamber is swollen, uveitis, means it's not a post op effect and it's not neurological.

CHASE: It's not fungal either, lymph node biopsy was clean.

HOUSE: So we're back to square one.

FOREMAN: One and a half. We've eliminated two more conditions.

HOUSE: Yes, 2+2 doesn't equal 12 or 16 either.

FOREMAN: Vision issues plus screwy heart equals some type of autoimmune. Lupus and Kawasakis are the most common in a 6-year-old.

CHASE: [Scoffs] Yeah, tough to find a 6 year old who doesn't have Lupus or Kawasakis.

HOUSE: Did you look at her knees?

[Ducklings look confused]

HOUSE: Those knobby things in the middle of her legs, any scars or scabs?

FOREMAN: What does that have to do with...

HOUSE: Well most 6 year olds hurt themselves, a lot. Crash their bikes, climb trees, bungee jump.

DERAN: Dad said she doesn't like to run around outside.

HOUSE: Because running around outside hurts.

CAMERON: She didn't mention anything about...

HOUSE: Most 6 year olds are not familiar with the phrase 'my joints feel inflamed'. So, 2+2 equals?


[Cut to House and Wilson walking through the clinic doors.]

HOUSE: Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. We're checking her ANA to confirm and giving her steroids to fix her vision. Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life, apparently worth 186 dollars. [House walks into exam room one, revealing a guy sitting on the table] [To the patient] Sorry, had to take a leak.

WILSON: Oh I didn't know you were seeing a patient.

HOUSE: It's an exam room. What did you think I was doing?

WILSON: What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy.

HOUSE: Well it'd be stupid to do it in here. There's a patient in here. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] [To Eddie, the patient.] You been drinking more?

EDDIE: Ah no, I, I....

HOUSE: [To Wilson who is still standing in the doorway] Guy's peeing all the time. Play. Interested?

WILSON: Sure, want me to pick you up?

HOUSE: I'm not going.

WILSON: You said two tickets.

HOUSE: You thought this was a date? [Turns back to the patient.] Any other symptoms?

EDDIE: My stomach hurts, I have back pain and muscle aches, I feel dizzy [House pulls out the tickets and looks at them.] and I have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.

WILSON: I really shouldn't...

HOUSE: [Shows Wilson the tickets.] You want the tickets or not?

WILSON: [Hesitating.] Why don't you want to go with me?

HOUSE: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.

WILSON: So why are you giving them to me?

HOUSE: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.

WILSON: [Looks at what the play is.] All right. [Takes the tickets and leaves.]

HOUSE: [Turns back to the patient.] Any fever?

EDDIE: No.

HOUSE: Anything in your pee other than pee?

EDDIE: No.

HOUSE: I'm going to need a urine sample.

EDDIE: No!

HOUSE: Yeah that last one wasn't a question. You might have diabetes...

EDDIE: I can't pee in public.

HOUSE: We have bathrooms.

EDDIE: I can't pee in public bathrooms.

HOUSE: Where can you pee?

EDDIE: I only live a few miles from here.


[Cut to Foreman talking to Deran in Lucy's room while she's asleep]

DERAN: I though arthritis was for old people.

FOREMAN: JRA is an autoimmune disease. Her body is attacking itself, causing inflammation in the joints, her eyes and her heart.

DERAN: Is it treatable?

FOREMAN: It can be crippling, but it can also go into complete remission. The good thing is we caught it early. It gives her the best chance to have a positive outcome.

[Lucy sits up in bed and tries to say Daddy but can’t quite get it out.]

DERAN: Don't get up, Goosy, your stitches. [Runs over to get her to lie down again.]

[Lucy tries to say something else but again fails]

[Foreman runs over and looks in her eyes. Camera zooms in, goes through her eye and we see some sort of blood vessel shrivelling up and turning black. Camera comes back out to Foreman]

FOREMAN: [To Deran.] She's having a stroke.


[Cut to House, Foreman and Chase in Diagnostics Office again.]

FOREMAN: The stroke was caused by a clot in her middle cerebral artery. Started her on TPA. It should dissolve the clot and hopefully prevent brain damage, but we wont know for sure until she regains consciousness.

HOUSE: Or she has another stroke. Arthritis, heart disease, why can't this kid act her age?

FOREMAN: JRA doesn't affect the blood, means the clot’s a symptom of something else. [Cameron walks in.]

CAMERON: It's a symptom of polycythemia, she's fully hydrated and her blood's still thicker than pancake batter.

HOUSE: Well thick blood explains the stroke, could also have caused an autoimmune response, which would explain the JRA kicking into gear. But what explains the thick blood?

FOREMAN: Lack of oxygen, forces the body to over produce red cells.

HOUSE: What explains the lack of oxygen?

CHASE: Carbon monoxide fumes, cigarette smoke.

CAMERON: Doubt our patient's a smoker.

CHASE: Dad could be.

CAMERON: He's not.

CHASE: [Scoffs.] He says he's not.

HOUSE: Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two. Chase is right. You two go check the house, see if Dad's a closet Marlboro man.

CAMERON: You're intentionally punishing us.

HOUSE: By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel doesn't it? Take along a carbon monoxide detector to check for leaks and you [points to Foreman] start her on hydroxyurea to control her red blood cell production. Take out a Merck Manual, medieval edition, tell you how to drain a pint or two so she doesn't clot again.


[Cut to Chase and Cameron exiting the elevator. They walk toward the exit in awkward silence until Jasper runs up behind them.]

JASPER: Dr. Cameron! [Cameron and Chase both turn around, Jasper is holding a big bunch of flowers.] I got you flowers, for helping my sister.

CAMERON: [Taking the flowers.] That's so sweet. [Jasper smiles.]

CHASE: Does your dad know you're down here?

JASPER: Yes.

CHASE: [Pulls the card out of the flowers and reads it out.] Congratulations on your bundle of joy. [To Cameron.] Something you forgot to tell me? [Puts the card back.]

CAMERON: [To Jasper.] You should take these back to where you found them.

JASPER: Okay. [Takes the flowers.]

CHASE: [To a security guard.] Excuse me? Can you make sure these flowers and this kid both get back to where they belong?

SECURITY GUARD: Sure.

CHASE: Thanks.

SECURITY GUARD: [To Jasper.] Lets go. C 'mon. [Leads Jasper towards the elevators, Chase starts to leave but Cameron doesn't.]

CAMERON: Wait. [Chase watches as she walks over to Jasper, takes a flower out of the bunch and kisses Jasper on the cheek, Jasper smiles broadly before looking at Chase. Cameron then walks off towards the exit, smiling and smelling the flower as she passes Chase. Chase sighs, then turns and follows.]


[Cut to Foreman sticking a needle into Lucy's arm to drain some blood.]

DERAN: So you're just draining blood from her? You're not testing it, you're not fixing it?

FOREMAN: Your daughters vascular system is engorged with blood, draining some reduces the chances of another stroke. We're also starting her on a drug that suppresses the production of red cells so we don't have to keep doing this. Good chance she'll make a full recovery.

DERAN: She hasn't spoken yet.

FOREMAN: Give her time.

[Jasper enters the room followed by the security guard.]

SECURITY GUARD: This your boy?

DERAN: [To Jasper.] Where have you been?

JASPER: Exploring. [To the security guard.] Seeya.

[Security Guard nods to Deran.]

DERAN: Thank you. [Security guard leaves.] [To Jasper.] You know you just can't run off without telling me.

JASPER: Ok. Can I have two dollars?

[Deran shakes his head.]


[Cut to Cameron and Chase in Lucy's home, searching for toxins. Cameron looks in the oven.]

CHASE: Oven's a long shot. You'd smell the gas long before anyone got sick.

CAMERON: Yeah right, House loves it when we skip something because it's a long shot. [Closes the oven and checks the stove.]

CHASE: Why did you take the flower? Why'd you kiss him?

CAMERON: He did something sweet.

CHASE: He STOLE flowers!

CAMERON: He's eight.

CHASE: You're trying to make me jealous.

CAMERON: [Sarcastic.] Yeah, I want you to profess your love for me. Oh wait, you already did that and it caused me to end our relationship. [Glares at Chase.]

CHASE: You're enabling a thief. [Cameron walks into another room.] And a delinquent! [Holding a file of papers, follows Cameron.] Letters from school, fights, detentions, a parent conference. Oh, I know, I know, bad boys are hard to resist.

CAMERON: It's a crush. It's harmless.

CHASE: It's never harmless.

CAMERON: So I'm learning.

CHASE: [Sighs.] So this is us now? We snipe at each other?

CAMERON: I'm not sniping I'm looking for a vent. Her room's directly above the garage. There's all sorts of CO sources down there. [Crawls under the bed.] I found a vent, I think there's something in it.

CHASE: [Joining Cameron under the bed.] This isn't right. You dumped me, you don't get to be mad.

CAMERON: We had a really good thing. You broke the rules, I'm angry. I'll get over it.

[Chase opens the vent and pulls out a pink bloody t-shirt.]


[Cut to Ducklings in House's office.]

CAMERON: She's being abused.

FOREMAN: A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse. Kids get hurt all the time.

CHASE: That amount of blood?

FOREMAN: [Looking from Chase to Cameron] Oh crap. You two are agreeing again.

CAMERON: Father's overwhelmed, hectic job, his wife passed away last year. He could easily be taking it out on the kids.

FOREMAN: Or she had a nosebleed and grabbed a t-shirt.

CHASE: She's so ashamed of a nosebleed she has to hide the evidence in a vent under her bed?

CAMERON: She's socially isolated, the brother's always in trouble its classic signs...

FOREMAN: But no physical signs. No marks on her body, no bruises at all.

CAMERON: [Turns to House.] What if it's sexual? We should call social services.

HOUSE: Well this sucks. Either it's abuse or it's not abuse. Which means either it's a symptom or it's completely irrelevant. Either way we have to waste half a day figuring out which. Full physical exam. Look for bruises we may have missed, check her mouth and do a vaginal exam.

CHASE: We can't do a vaginal exam on a 6 year old without the Dad's consent and if he's abusing her he'll never say yes.

HOUSE: Never is just reven spelt backwards. [Hands the t-shirt to Foreman and leaves.]


[Cut to Foreman questioning Deran.]

FOREMAN: Have you been abusing your daughter?

DERAN: What? Why would you...

FOREMAN: We found this. [Shows him the bloody t-shirt.] Hidden in a vent under her bed.

DERAN: I don't know anything about this. Maybe she had a bloody nose?

FOREMAN: We need to examine her for abuse.

DERAN: You can't really think that I...

FOREMAN: Maybe you, maybe the school bully, maybe the creepy neighbour. I'm guessing that you're not paying as much attention as you should be. Do you even know where your son is right now?

DERAN: Yeah he was here just... [Starts to look around.] a minute ago. [Turns back to Foreman.] She isn't being abused.

FOREMAN: Unfortunately that answer doesn't help me. If you have abused her you're obviously going to lie.

DERAN: I'm not lying!

FOREMAN: We need to do a vaginal exam.

DERAN: No. She may be dying, she still can't talk and you're going to waste your time with THIS?

FOREMAN: You consent and we waste a few hours doing an exam or you refuse and I call social services, and they waste three days doing an investigation, which ends with them doing the exam anyway.

[Deran signs the form.]


[Cut to Cameron closing the curtain to Lucy's room. She starts to perform the exam.]

CAMERON: Ok, I'm going to look inside your mouth, open wide. [Lucy does so.] Ok, I'm going to look at your chest and your back next. Ok? [Cameron lifts Lucy up and checks her back.] I know you can't talk so stop me if you get scared. [Lies her back down turns her on her side and checks her chest and then her knees.] Before you came here, did anyone hurt you? Make you bleed? [Lucy shakes her head.] I need to look in your vagina now, do you understand? I'm a doctor so it's ok, all right? Bend your knees, keep your ankles together and just let your knees fall to the side, ok? [Cameron looks at her vagina and then looks shocked.] Oh my God.


[Cut to ducklings entering the corridor through some doors. Cue walk and talk.]

CAMERON: She has cuts all over her genital area, like slices, some are almost healed but some are new.

CHASE: She could be doing it to herself.

FOREMAN: She's a little young to be cutting.

CHASE: She's a little young for a stroke. Depression accounts for the cuts, molestation accounts for the depression.

FOREMAN: But do the cuts account for all that blood?

CAMERON: They weren't deep enough.

CHASE: So she's getting cut but that's not the source of the blood?

FOREMAN: The other obvious source is forcible penetration.

CHASE: The other obvious source of the blood, not the cuts.

CAMERON: And there was no tearing, there's no evidence at all.

CHASE: So we have no explanation for the cuts or the blood. [They reach House's office but he isn't there.] Where is he?

FOREMAN: What if our original assumption was wrong?

CAMERON: Meaning what?

FOREMAN: We found a t-shirt covered with blood hidden in a heating vent. How do we know it's even hers?

CHASE: Her Dad identified it.

FOREMAN: Not the shirt. The blood.


[Cut to House with the clinic patient from before. House is looking in a file.]

EDDIE: Are those the urine test results?

HOUSE: Yes.

EDDIE: And…

HOUSE: I'm going to ask you for some blood.

EDDIE: Why?

HOUSE: To see if your answer will be 'I can't bleed in public'. This wasn't your urine was it?

EDDIE: Why would I give you someone else's urine?

HOUSE: Usual reason is because you're on steroids.

EDDIE: I'm not an athlete.

HOUSE: Duh. The second favourite reason is because you're on drugs.

EDDIE: I'm not.

HOUSE: I am. Third favourite reason is — you have insurance but your friend, Eggs Benedict, doesn't. So Eggs describes a list of symptoms and you repeat them to a doctor. Which is particularly stupid because this is a free clinic.

[Cuddy opens the door]

CUDDY: Need you, now. [Leaves.]

HOUSE: My work here is done. [Starts to leave.]

EDDIE: Am… I… ok? Is it diabetes?

HOUSE: No, you're pregnant.

[House closes the door leaving him sitting there shocked, then walks over to Cuddy.]

CUDDY: 6-year-old abuse victim and you haven't called social services?

HOUSE: She might have been abused. That's horrifying. Why are you wearing extra concealer under your eyes?

CUDDY: The law's clear, you suspect abuse you call the authorities. You don't proceed as usual while the possible abuser sits by her bedside.

HOUSE: Dad consented to the exam, which means it's not the Dad. How late were you out last night?

CUDDY: It's always the Dad and I don't have a curfew.

HOUSE: [Loudly.] Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?

CUDDY: I went to a play, [House is shocked.] House you are going back to your office, you are picking up your phone, calling social services and you are reporting suspected abuse. Do you understand?

HOUSE: What play?


[Cut to Wilson eating a sandwich in the cafeteria. House walks in and sits down at his table.]

HOUSE: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.

WILSON: [Looks at House.] Fries?

HOUSE: You took her to a play. You only take women to plays because...

WILSON: No, YOU only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory.

HOUSE: Ok, then why did you take her to a play?

WILSON: She's a friend.

HOUSE: A friend with a squish mitten.

WILSON: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...

HOUSE: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species. [Takes a fry.] She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done.

WILSON: Yes, I slept with her.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No.

HOUSE: [Not convinced.] Yes you did.

WILSON: [Quietly.] Yes I did.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No. You've got a problem House.

[Foreman walks over to the table.]

FOREMAN: We just tested the blood on Lucy's t-shirt. It's full of endometrial cells.

HOUSE: It's not her blood.

FOREMAN: We tested that too. It is.

WILSON: Your 6-year-old patient?

FOREMAN: It's menstrual blood. She's started puberty.


[Cut to Cameron checking Lucy's stitches.]

DERAN: How can someone start puberty before they even start the first grade? She was in diapers two years ago.

CAMERON: For some reason her body has too much sex hormone. Caused her reproductive system to get confused, start operating prematurely. We need to find out the source of the hormones and cut it off.

DERAN: She's so young. I haven't even talked to her about sex. I doubt she even knows what a period is... Girls talk to their moms about that. [Walks over and kneels beside Lucy's bed and strokes her face.] You're going to be ok, Goosy. I love you.

LUCY: I... want... juice.

[Deran is shocked, Cameron smiles.]


[Cut to Ducklings in Diagnostics office with House.]

CAMERON: She got her period and didn't know what it was. She was scared and confused. A friend told her to put a t-shirt in her underwear. When she started growing pubic hair, she snuck Daddy's razor and tried to shave it off.

HOUSE: Apparently forgot to sneak the shaving cream.

FOREMAN: A tumour's most likely. A pituitary adenoma would send her hormone levels sky high.

CAMERON: In Puerto Rico in the 70s there was an epidemic of kids growing breasts because of estrogen in the poultry.

CHASE: If it was in the food it would be an epidemic. We've got one kid.

CAMERON: She's 6. She's tiny. She lives on chicken fingers and milk. Dad doesn't look like the type to read labels. He's probably buying stuff packed full of hormones.

HOUSE: Excellent argument. [To Foreman] It's a tumour.

CAMERON: There's all sorts of environmental sources. Pesticides, soy products… Some shampoos are basically a placenta in a bottle.

HOUSE: If the tumour's not in her brain it's in her reproductive tract. Get an MRI. [Gets up.]

CAMERON: Can I at least...

HOUSE: Waste your time? Wouldn't recognise you if you didn't.


[Cut to Lucy in MRI. Foreman and Chase are watching the results.]

FOREMAN: Frontal cortex is clean. Moving caudally.

CHASE: For the record, Cameron's the one who broke it off.

FOREMAN: Not interested. No masses in the hypothalamus.

CHASE: I wanted more. She didn't share my feelings.

FOREMAN: I feel like I'm in a similar position.

CHASE: Pituitary's clean.

FOREMAN: You're an idiot. Either she's lying or she's actually emotionally detached. Which one sounds more like Cameron to you?

CHASE: Neither.

FOREMAN: You have to choose one. There's a bright spot on her left ovary. Looks like a solid tumour.


[Cut to House reading a tabloid in the gift shop.]

HOUSE: They printed my letter. [Pays for the magazine and starts to walk off. Wilson runs up behind him.]

WILSON: You were right.

HOUSE: Of course I was. What are we talking about? [Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter.

WILSON: Great. Cuddy.

HOUSE: You want to see her naked. [They walk over to the doors to the Clinic.]

WILSON: No, no, no. She wants to see ME naked. She sent me flowers.

HOUSE: Just thanking you for the play. You see some people fell an emotion called gratitude.

WILSON: There's a card.

HOUSE: I suspected. Explains how you knew who they were from.

WILSON: [Pulls out the card and shows House.] Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. Xs are the kisses right?

HOUSE: No… I think they're the hugs. I think Os are the kisses.

WILSON: No, no, Xs are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence. [Sees Cuddy in the clinic.] I got to go. [Walks off quickly.]

HOUSE: I'll miss you. You were a good friend. [House walks into the clinic towards Cuddy. Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs. Lincoln?

CUDDY: What's up with Wilson?

HOUSE: He's just a little freaked.

CUDDY: Why?

HOUSE: I sent him flowers. [Smiles. Cuddy looks confused.]


[Cut to Cameron leaving the elevator and walking towards the Diagnostics office carrying two big plastic bags full of stuff to test. She sees Jasper. He’s wearing Heelys and skating over to her.]

CAMERON: Jasper, you're not supposed to be up here.

JASPER: Is that other doctor your boyfriend?

CAMERON: No. Your Dad's probably looking for you. He's got enough to worry about right now.

JASPER: Do you like him?

CAMERON: He's a friend.

JASPER: Do you LIKE him like him?

CAMERON: We should get you back to your Dad. Let me put this down and I'll take you there. [She opens the door to the Diagnostics office and puts the bags down while Jasper stares at her ass. She turns around and catches him.]

JASPER: I could be your boyfriend.

CAMERON: [Shocked.] I… think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age.

JASPER: He seems like a tool.

CAMERON: He's not. And that's rude. I'm taking you back to your father. [Puts her arm around his shoulder and leads him towards the elevator. Jasper grabs her ass. She jumps away, shocked. Jasper grins.]


[Cut to Chase and Foreman doing a biopsy on Lucy.]

FOREMAN: [Looking at the screen.] The mass is small. About a centimetre across.

CHASE: Firing the biopsy needle.

[Monitors start beeping.]

FOREMAN: You nick an artery?

CHASE: No.

FOREMAN: She's in VTAC, no pulse. [Grabs the paddles.] Charging 50! Clear! [Shocks Lucy.] Clear! [Shocks again.] Clear! [Shocks a third time. This time it works, he feels for a pulse.]


[Cut to Ducklings in Lab.]

CHASE: The arrhythmia must've been a reaction to the hydroxyurea. We have to stop the drug therapy.

CAMERON: The bone marrow will just go back to over producing blood cells. She'll keep having strokes and we'll have to keep bleeding her, forever.

CHASE: You resect the tumour, hormones levels go back to normal and her symptoms go away.

FOREMAN: [Looks up from the microscope.] Great plan. Except the fact that her tumour's not a tumour. It's a benign cyst.

CAMERON: [Looks in the microscope.] If it's not a tumour that just leaves an environmental source. [They look over at the pile of stuff Cameron collected to test.]

FOREMAN: I'm feeling another late night... I'm gonna leave you two alone. [Starts to leave.]

CAMERON: You're kidding me right?

FOREMAN: What? The answer's right there, it's just a question of finding it. You don't need me for that. [Leaves.]


[Aerial of PPTH, Night.]

[Cut to Chase putting coins in the coffee machine. Cameron walks over.]

CAMERON: Don't get the mochachino. They screwed up and put hot chocolate in the dispenser.

CHASE: Thank you.

CAMERON: You were right. That eight-year-old kid grabbed my ass. I shouldn't have encouraged him.

CHASE: [Laughs.] Well, I was a boy once. I know how they think.

CAMERON: You were a pervert at 8?

CHASE: Maybe... 11. [Laughs.]

CAMERON: I didn't realise you were going to get hurt. I'm sorry I misled you.

CHASE: You didn't. You have feelings for me. You come back to me again and again.

CAMERON: For sex. It's a simple, physical...

CHASE: C'mon, you have feelings for puppies and patients that you barely know, but when it comes to a guy that you've worked with for 3 years? [Takes her hand.] Had sex with, spent the night with, you're telling me you feel nothing? Absolutely nothing?

JASPER: [Running towards Chase, shouting.] Get away from her! Don't touch her! I'll kill you if you touch her. [Tackles Chase to the ground.]

CAMERON: Jasper!

CHASE: Get him off! [Cameron starts trying to pull Jasper off, Jasper bites Chase's arm and growls.] AHH! He's biting me! Get him off! AHH! [Cameron pulls him away, Chase looks at the big bite mark on his arm that is bleeding.]


[Cut to House watching the wrestling on TV at home.]

[Phone rings.]

HOUSE: [Answers.] Somebody better be dying.

[Cameron is bandaging Chase's arm in an exam room. The phone is on speaker.]

CAMERON: Lucy's big brother's got a crush on me so he bit the crap out of Chase.

HOUSE: And I care because?

CHASE: Just thought you might want to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.

HOUSE: Bees or monkeys yes, sociopaths no.

[House hangs up. Continues watching the wrestling. Suddenly he has an epiphany. He rings Cameron and Chase back.]

CAMERON: Hello?

HOUSE: He's not a sociopath.

CAMERON: How do you know?

HOUSE: He's acting logically. He's got a crush on you. He's being aggressive about it. Not just regular aggressive. He's out of his mind on hormones aggressive.

CHASE: You think he's...

HOUSE: Better figure out what's killing the girl cause her brother's got it too.


[Shot of Jasper getting an MRI.]

[Cut to Ducklings and House in Diagnostics office.]

CHASE: Jasper's got 100 times more testosterone than a healthy 8-year-old. But we scanned his brain and reproductive tract, no hormone secreting tumours.

FOREMAN: Not surprised. What's more likely? Brother and sister get the same type of tumour at exactly the same time or they both play in the same toxic sandbox?

CAMERON: Yes you would think that if for some reason you were completely unaware of the fact that we spent the entire night testing everything from that home. It was all negative.

HOUSE: [To Foreman] You went home? [Foreman nods. House is pleased.] Good for you. Delegate.

CAMERON: We're not his subordinates.

HOUSE: Making it all the more impressive.

CHASE: What if it's genetic? [Everyone looks at him.] What, anyone else think it's more than a coincidence these kids have symptoms that could be caused by a brain tumour which is exactly what killed their mum?

FOREMAN: You just said there were no tumours. We scanned both their brains.

CHASE: They looked clean. So did their mum's until it didn't.

CAMERON: It can't be genetic. Mom had none of the same symptoms.

CHASE: Yes she did, if the symptoms were pubic hair and menstruation.

CAMERON: [Turns to House.] That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.

HOUSE: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

CHASE: What if the mum had other problems? Symptoms her doctors ignored on account of the fact she was already dying.

[Everyone looks at House.]

HOUSE: Pull all of her medical records, find any similarities to our patients, and punch the little brat on the nose so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. [Walks off towards his office.]


[Cut to Foreman draining blood out of Jasper.]

JASPER: I'm not sick.

FOREMAN: Just trying to keep you that way.

JASPER: I want Dr. Cameron to do mine.

FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Trust me, you don't want her cutting you right now. [Finishes what he's doing walks over to where Deran is standing.]

DERAN: So Jasper's behavioural issues?

FOREMAN: Could be a function of the increased testosterone. Hopefully, he'll be a delight, as soon as we figure this out.

LUCY: [From the next room.] My tummy hurts, it hurts! [Foreman and Deran both walk over to see what's wrong.]

JASPER: No it doesn't. Don't be such a baby.

LUCY: My tummy hurts!

FOREMAN: Where on your tummy?

LUCY: [Starts yelling.] It hurts! It hurts! [Screams.]


[Cut to Foreman showing House Lucy's scans in radiology. Chase and Foreman are sitting at the table going through her mom's records.]

FOREMAN: Stomach pain is from a cyst in her pancreas. Found two more in her kidneys and one in her lung. They weren't there 48 hours ago. The hormones are making her body go haywire.

HOUSE: If she gets one in her brain or heart, she's dead. [Turns to Cameron and Chase.] No pressure though.

CHASE: Mum was perfectly healthy until she got cancer. She had none of the symptoms the kids have.

CAMERON: It's not genetic. It's not environmental. It's got to be a pituitary adenoma.

HOUSE: Yes, that would make complete sense if they had one.

CAMERON: Just because we haven't found anything on the scan doesn't mean it's not there. We should remove her pituitary gland.

HOUSE: Two siblings, same condition. Its got to be genetic or environmental. If you add in ‘same time’ and we're back to just environmental.

CHASE: Yes and that would make complete sense if there was anything in her environment.

HOUSE: [Mimicking Cameron.] Just because we haven't found anything yet.

FOREMAN: She's been out of her environment for 4 days and she's still getting worse.

[They all look at each other for a couple seconds.]

CAMERON: I'm getting the father's consent. [Starts to leave.]

HOUSE: No! [Cameron stops.] We have no evidence.

CAMERON: This is YOUR process House. You asked us what 2 + 2 is, we've eliminated every number except for 4. She needs brain surgery. [Leaves.]


[Cut to Cameron getting the consent off Deran.]

CAMERON: The ovaries produce sex hormones in response to a signal from the pituitary gland. Since we know the ovaries are fine the most likely cause...

HOUSE: [Interrupting.] Most likely means she wants to root around inside your little girl's brain without any guarantee that it will work, that's why she's holding off on doing your son.

CAMERON: Dr. House knows that unfortunately we've ruled out every other option. We need to resect Lucy's pituitary before...

HOUSE: Who else visits these kids?

CAMERON: They don't have any family in town.

HOUSE: You got a girlfriend?

DERAN: No one visits.

HOUSE: School?

CAMERON: They don't go to the same school, House I...

HOUSE: Nanny?

CAMERON: They don't have one.

DERAN: They go to an after school day care but none of the other kids are sick.

HOUSE: Yet. It took your son twice as long to develop symptoms as your daughter, maybe the other kids are just slow.

CAMERON: We wait and your daughter may die.

HOUSE: She does this and your daughter will need hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life.

CAMERON: The treatments are extremely effective. She should lead a relatively normal life.

HOUSE: And isn't that every parents dream, to have a kid grow up to be relatively normal.

CAMERON: My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasised to his brain. I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be. I am telling you this is your best chance to save your daughter’s life.

HOUSE: [Whispers in Cameron's ear.] You did NOT just play the dead husband card. [To Deran.] My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died.

[Deran signs the form, gives it to Cameron.]

CAMERON: Thank you. [Leaves.]

[Deran walks off in the other direction.]

HOUSE: How did you know?

DERAN: [Stops and turns around.] Know what?

HOUSE: That the other kids weren't sick. You've been here for 4 days.

DERAN: I just... I would've heard. [Leaves.]

HOUSE: Right...


[Cut to the Day Care Centre. A big blue ball rolls away from a little girl who runs after it. Just when she goes to pick it up House stop it with his foot. She looks up at him.]

HOUSE: [Smiles.] Do you have hair on your special place?

LITTLE GIRL: Miss Janie! [Runs off.]

[Janie walks over to House.]

JANIE: Can I help you?

HOUSE: I'm a doctor. Two of your kids are sick and I need to know why.

JANIE: You think they got sick here?

HOUSE: I think you're dating their Dad.

JANIE: He told you?

HOUSE: No, but I don't really care why he didn't. I just need to know how often you go to their house and what you bring.

JANIE: I don't.

HOUSE: Shampoos, fancy soaps, kids get in your bag?

JANIE: I've never been to their house. They just lost their mom, and we thought it was too soon. [House stares at her rash just above her lip.] Why are you staring at me?

HOUSE: Lip wax?

JANIE: I just had it done over lunch.

HOUSE: [Grabs her hand.] Mani-pedi?

JANIE: [Pulls her hand back.] No, just the wax.

HOUSE: Women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual — pedicure, steam, cucumber masks. No one runs out at lunch just to get a lip wax, unless you woke up looking like Yosemite Sam.

JANIE: You're an ass.

[House pulls out his phone. Cameron answers.]

CAMERON: Cameron.

HOUSE: It's always the Dad.


[Cut to House talking to Deran outside Lucy's room.]

HOUSE: Excess facial hair in women, it's a clear sign of hormonal imbalance, exactly what the little kiddies have.

DERAN: Is there something wrong at the Day Care Centre?

HOUSE: There's something wrong in your pants.

DERAN: Oh... She's a lot younger than I am, I... use a male enhancement cream to keep up with her. What does this have to do with...

HOUSE: Never occurred to you to get a prescription instead of some penis pumper loaded with testosterone?

DERAN: I keep it at the gym. I apply it daily in the shower just like it says on the bottle. It's never been in my home. It's obviously never been near the kids.

HOUSE: But you have.

DERAN: We've been through that I'm not a pervert or a paedophile.

HOUSE: 30% of our waste is excreted through our skin. That sounds high. That's why you stink after eating garlic. Jack waters his beanstalk everyday for a week and he's oozing bean curd out of his pores for a month. Every time you gave the little tykes a hug you gave them a dose of testosterone, small for you but more then their little bodies could handle.

DERAN: So... I did this to them? [House nods.] Just holding their hands?

HOUSE: Uh-huh.

DERAN: If I stop using it?

HOUSE: You'll be floppy, they'll be fine. [Looks at Jasper teasing Lucy by not letting her get her bunny.] He'll still be eight. [Pops a pill.]


[Aerial of PPTH, Night.]

[Cut to House in his office sitting behind his desk with his glasses on reading the magazine from before. Wilson walks in, sits down in front of him and starts rubbing his eyes and face like he's in pain.]

HOUSE: [Takes off his glasses.] You ok?

WILSON: Yeah, I think so.

HOUSE: [Puts the magazine down.] Talk to Cuddy?

WILSON: No, not yet! [Takes his hands off his face.] I don't know what to say.

HOUSE: Just... be straight with her.

WILSON: I'm not sure what that is. I... I can't stop thinking about her.

HOUSE: [Trying not to smile.] In what way?

WILSON: Maybe she's right, maybe... maybe this is worth exploring?

HOUSE: [Still trying fairly successfully to keep a straight face.] You sure she feels...

WILSON: She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?

HOUSE: Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk.

WILSON: [Thinks.] I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her. [Slaps his hand as if to say ‘and that's that.’]

HOUSE: [Struggling to keep a straight face he has to cover his mouth with his hand.] That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah, your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid.

WILSON: Yeah. I mean I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. [Looks at House, he doesn't say anything.] Ok... yea... ok... [Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee. Suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him] You, you, you! You were going to let me do that?!

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument.

WILSON: YOU sent those flowers to me!

HOUSE: Yes, because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her.

WILSON: No! I don't!

HOUSE: Yes you do.

WILSON: [Sighs.] You're right.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk. [Wilson leaves.]

HOUSE: Night Wilson.

WILSON: Night House.

[House smiles and goes back to reading his magazine.]


[Cut to Chase getting ready to leave in the locker room, Cameron walks in and notices flowers on top of her locker. The card reads 'Not Stolen'. Cameron smiles and takes them down.]

CAMERON: They're beautiful. [She walks a few steps closer to Chase.] I thought about what you said, and ... I really don't want a relationship with you.

CHASE: I know. I also know you like flowers. [They smile at each other Chase leaves, Cameron looks at the flowers.]


[Shot of the whole family, Lucy Jasper Deran and Janie, leaving the elevator looking happy.]

[Cut to House and Cuddy watching them from the 2nd level balcony.]

CUDDY: I don't get the whole May - December thing.

HOUSE: Give him a break, it's May - October at worst.

CUDDY: Well why can't it be October - October?

HOUSE: May is when things start to get hot.

CUDDY: [Laughs.] If that guy wasn't trying so hard to keep up with a women half his age he wouldn't have almost killed both his kids.

HOUSE: Guy gets a little something-something, couple of kids have to die, circle of life.

CUDDY: So many people, so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person anyway. It just... shouldn't be so hard.

HOUSE: [Long pause.] I got tickets to a play...

[End.]


Tags: season 3
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  • Episode Guide

    In Progress Pilot Summary: Rebecca, a kindergarten teacher, collapses in front of her students and is taken to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching…

  • House MD - 2.24 No Reason

    Originally Aired: May 23 2006 Written by: Lawrence Kaplow (story) & David Shore (story & teleplay) Directed by: David Shore Transcribed by: Mari…

  • House MD - 2.23 Who's Your Daddy?

    Originally Aired: May 16 2006 Written by: Charles M. Duncan (story), Lawrence Kaplow (teleplay) & John Mankiewicz (story and teleplay) Directed by:…