Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Deran Serafian
Transcribed by: Coby (cobbly)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
[We see Marines in a truck from the point of view one of the Marines in the truck, Get down tonight is playing on the stereo and everyone is singing along.]
MARINE 1: Take it Sarge, take it.
JOHN: Oh I'll take it! Baby babe [Marine 1 laughs, John grabs a torch and uses it as a microphone.] I'll meet you, same place, same time. Where we can, get together, and ease up, our mind. Do a little dance, make a... [Music stops.] Yo yo, turn that back on, turn it back on.
MARINE 1: [Pointing at the camera.] Don't look at me cause you know I didn't do it all right? Don't look at me.
JOHN: [To Marine 1.] Hey, you better have put fresh batteries in that like I told you to.
MARINE 1: I did Sarge, all right? The ones you gave me, I did, I put them in.
JOHN: Well then hit it or something. Otherwise, [laughing] you're all going to have to listen to me sing! [Big explosion] Son of a bitch!
[Truck tips over. John pulls the Marine whose point of view we are seeing out of the truck. He is getting dragged along the ground away from the truck. He has lost half of his right leg. He stops being dragged and John comes out in front of him holding a gun.]
JOHN: Here. [Hands him the gun.] Don't panic, and don't shoot us, don't die. [Ties off his leg.] Got it G? [Runs off.]
[Camera changes to aerial view of House as G, lying on his back, with the gun in his hands and half his right leg gone.]
[House is awoken from his dream by Cuddy banging on the door to his office. He is lying on that chair of his, holding his cane across his chest like he was holding the gun in the dream, his left leg out stretched on the foot rest, his right leg bent with his foot on the floor. This position makes him look a little like he is missing half his leg.]
CUDDY: Up and at em, you're supposed to be in clinic duty.
HOUSE: Yeah, like I could sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.
CUDDY: [Hands House a file.] Here. Ex-Marine. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome.
HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] There's no such thing.
CUDDY: So he's been told, it hasn't stopped the unexplained fatigue, rashes and joint pain. And just so you know, he's the nephew of a benefactor I owe a favour, so you're going to take this case whether you like it or not.
HOUSE: Why wouldn't I want to take the case? [Starts opening the file.] The guy's tired and sore, it's going to be chapter one in my... [Stops mid sentence when he sees the photo of the patient and is shocked when it matches up exactly with the sergeant (John) in his dream.]
[Flash back to House's dream.]
JOHN: Don't panic, and don't shoot us, don't die.
[Back to House still staring at the picture.]
CUDDY: You know him?
HOUSE: Never met him before in my life.
CUDDY: Ok...Well you're about to. He's on his way here. Get your ass up and get your team together. You've got work to do. [Cuddy leaves. House continues to stare at the photo.]
[House in the bathroom, at the urinal, camera shows the mirror on the wall behind him to reveal Wilson one urinal over.]
WILSON: That's amazing.
HOUSE: No it's not.
WILSON: It's not?
HOUSE: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter; under the right circumstances I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy.
WILSON: The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
HOUSE: What I absolutely cannot do is dream about someone I've never seen before.
WILSON: Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen.
HOUSE: True, it can't happen because it can't happen!
WILSON: [Flushes with his elbow.] Well maybe you didn't dream about this guy specifically.
HOUSE: Right, just some other guy who looks exactly like him.
WILSON: No, you imagined some generic Marine then you placed his face in the dream after you saw the picture. [Starts to wash his hands.] Sort of a coincidence mixed with a little déjà vu.
HOUSE: There's no record of him ever coming into the clinic so I must have seen him before somewhere else.
WILSON: Fine, you've known him since cub scouts. The more interesting question isn't what you dreamed but why? [House starts washing his hands as well.] I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
HOUSE: He was in the Navy not the Marines.
WILSON: I thought your dad was in the Marines?
HOUSE: The guy in the Village People.
WILSON: Actually he's only in the Navy when they sang, In The Navy. The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues. [House stares at him.] What? You brought it up! [House starts to walk out.] You didn't flush.
HOUSE: I didn't pee.
[Cut to House dropping John's file on the table in the Diagnostics office.]
HOUSE: Male, 34, just got out of the Marines after 2 years in Iraq. Admitted complaining of chronic fatigue, joint pains, intermittent rashes and sore throats. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome.
CAMERON: Why is he here instead of the VA?
HOUSE: Because he has a rich uncle that Cuddy is trying to avoid fellating and doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of Nothing's-wrong-atosis. [Pops a pill.]
FOREMAN: The VA is right, there's no such thing as Gulf War Syndrome especially in veterans who've never served in the Gulf War.
[House grabs a bottle of water from the fridge but puts it back]
CHASE: Different war, same place. Whatever was there in 1990 is still there.
FOREMAN: That can send you home in a pine box but it still can't get you sick 3 months after you've gotten home.
CHASE: What, so thousands of soldiers are lying about the symptoms?
FOREMAN: You send 700,000 people on a vacation to Hawaii some of them are going to come back sick, doesn't mean it was caused by snorkelling.
CAMERON: He's right. Studies all show the same pattern of symptoms in veterans that were sent to the Gulf and those who weren't.
FOREMAN: That's it? You believe her but not me?
HOUSE: Stick to your guns Chase. Just because there isn't a single unifying symptom doesn't mean there isn't something going on. Could just affect everyone differently.
CHASE: You think this guy has Gulf War Syndrome?
[Foreman gets up and gets a coffee]
HOUSE: Course not. He's depressed and he's looking for a disability check. Most likely because he's just realised that knowing how to barter for sex in six languages and open a beer bottle with your eye socket are not the most marketable skills.
FOREMAN: Why'd you take this case?
HOUSE: Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.
CAMERON: Cuddy's making him.
HOUSE: Now I'm making you. Do a full physical and recheck his blood for HIV, Hep C, Malaria, Schistosomiasis and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their i's and find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in and... whether he's ever been on TV. [Starts to walk towards his office.]
HOUSE: [Turns around.] The problem could be neurological, everyone knows TV rots your brain. [Continues to his office.]
[Cut to the ducklings examining John.]
JOHN: It's usually the worst on my palms and the bottoms of my feet. I get these, black dots all over.
CAMERON: I don't see anything.
JOHN: It comes and goes.
FOREMAN: You sure it's not just scrapes and bruises?
JOHN: I know the difference between a rash and a bruise.
CAMERON: Sometimes it's harder than you realise to distinguish between the two. You obviously exercise.
JOHN: My problems aren't caused by my workouts.
FOREMAN: But you do work out, and by the look of you pretty strenuously. That's not usually the case with patients whose principal complaint is chronic fatigue and joint pain.
JOHN: I was in the Marines for 12 years. I'm used to doing PT every day. Just because I can push through the pain doesn't mean it's not there.
CHASE: We're not saying we don't believe you.
JOHN: The hell you aren't.
CHASE: We just need to be specific about what exactly the problems are.
JOHN: I sleep 10 hours at night, but I feel tired all the time. I constantly get coughs, rashes, sore throats. My knees and hips feel like someone poured sand in my joints. I get these weird tingling sensations in my legs, sometimes they're cold, other times it feels like my blood is boiling. Specific enough? Look I don't care what you guys call it, Gulf War Syndrome, Iraq fever or just crappy sickness X. I just want someone to figure out what it is so they can cure it.
[Cut to House leading the ducklings through double doors in the corridor, starting a walk and talk.]
CAMERON: Except for the supposed pain in his joints none of the other symptoms he's complaining about are currently evident.
FOREMAN: Besides low potassium, probably caused by him overhydrating after working out. His blood work's all normal.
CHASE: Low potassium could also probably be caused by the experimental vaccines and anti chemical warfare pills he was given before he deployed to Iraq. Not to mention the fact that whole country is littered with hundreds of tons of radioactive shrapnel from depleted uranium munitions.
FOREMAN: [Scoffs.] What did you go to medical school in France? There's no trace of uranium in his urine. He was given the vaccines and meds 2 years ago without any allergic or adverse reactions.
HOUSE: Has he ever done any modelling?
CHASE: We forgot to ask. We should send his urine to the University of Leicester there's a professor there who's developed a more advanced screening technique for uranium.
FOREMAN: If the levels are too low for us to detect they're way too low to cause any damage. [House continues walking right past the office.] Where you going?
HOUSE: [Turns around.] This way. Did you find out about any television or other media exposure?
CAMERON: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?
HOUSE: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say. Do a Lexis-Nexis search and get a copy of his credit report.
FOREMAN: Before or after we tell him to eat a banana and discharge him with a psych referral?
HOUSE: I say before. And I say in between give him a polysomnogram. Sleep apnea could cause chronic fatigue and paranoia. Find out where he went to summer camp. [Foreman shakes his head, House turns around to start walking off but stops, Cameron moves forward.]
CAMERON: Are you ok?
HOUSE: Yea just a little too much coffee this morning.
CAMERON: Were we... walking you to the bathroom?
HOUSE: [Sighs.] I wish. [Cameron gives him a weird look.] Wilson was just in there. These guys know what I'm talking about. [House walks off while Cameron looks confused. Chase and Foreman look at each other and then walk off in the opposite direction to House.]
[Cut to the observation room in the sleep lab. Cameron and Chase are watching John on monitors while he sleeps.]
CAMERON: That's his third REM cycle and his breathing is completely normal, there's obviously nothing wrong with his sleep pattern.
CHASE: It's not uranium it's got to be some other sort of toxin.
CAMERON: Or nothing at all. Do you really think there's something wrong, or do you just want Foreman to be wrong?
CAMERON: Well, it's not his sleep pattern. If you really think it's a toxin you can do a liver biopsy in the morning. [Gets up to leave.]
CHASE: We can't leave, if we don't monitor the whole test House won't accept the results, he'll just make us do it over.
CAMERON: It doesn't take two doctors to monitor what's clearly going to be a normal polysomnogram.
CHASE: Oh so you want me to stay?
CAMERON: You're the one that thought there was something wrong.
CHASE: I never said it was a sleep disorder.
CAMERON: You want to flip for it?
CHASE: [Scoffs.] Just... go.
CAMERON: Oh c'mon, don't be a baby. Fine, I'll stay. [Sits back down.] You know what we could do... [Gestures towards an empty room with a bed in it.]
CAMERON: Why not? We're surrounded by empty rooms with beds in them.
CHASE: Yea and video cameras too.
CAMERON: So we turn them off.
CHASE: Yeah that's all I need is House or Foreman walking in on us.
CAMERON: We have the keys.
CHASE: [Thinks about it.] No, what if he wakes up?
CAMERON: Alright. [Puts her feet on the desk and leans back in the chair.] Suit yourself. [Looks at the screens, Chase looks contemplative.]
[Cut to Chase and Cameron coming through the door to the empty room kissing and taking each other's clothes off, they stop as they get in front of the video camera. Chase looks at the camera and then walks out of view, presumably to lock the door. Cameron takes off her shirt and covers the camera with it.]
[Cut to House standing in front of his toilet at home, trying to pee.]
HOUSE: [Hits the wall.] Damn it. [Sighs and chucks the ice pack he was holding into the sink and pulls up his pants, hobbles slowly over to the mirror and grabs a pill bottle. He shakes it and stares at himself in the mirror for a few seconds before popping a pill.]
[Cut to Foreman walking into the sleep lab and seeing two empty chairs in front of the monitors, he walks back out, looks right, then left down the corridor, sees no one so walks back in.]
JOHN: Hello? Is anybody out there? I think there's a problem in here.
[Foreman walks into his room.]
FOREMAN: What's wrong?
JOHN: What do you mean what's wrong? You don't smell that?
FOREMAN: Nothing smells John.
JOHN: Are you kidding me? It's disgusting!
FOREMAN: How long have you thought... Wait. [Gets out his torch and bends down to look in John's mouth.] Open your mouth [Camera zooms in on John's tongue and we see all the little bacteria growing there, camera goes back to Foreman.] The smell's not in the room, it's in your mouth. [Chase followed by Cameron walk in.]
CHASE: What's going on?
FOREMAN: Good question.
[Cut to House in the bath wearing glasses and reading a magazine called Chronicling which has a smiling Marine on the cover, House looks up to the wall in front of him where the first page of John's file, with his picture on it, is taped. Then goes back to the magazine, flicks through it then puts it on the ground and grabs another one. He grabs the bottle of Vicodin that is sitting on the side of the bath, only one pill left in the bottle, House pops that, then chucks the empty bottle away. Phone rings, House uses his cane to pull the table, with his clothes on it, over to the bath and takes the phone out of his pocket and answers it.]
CHASE: You were wrong about the nothing's-wrong-atosis, you can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
HOUSE: Where's his mouth been?
CAMERON: Says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone for over a year.
HOUSE: Selfish bastard.
FOREMAN: Because he hasn't been with anyone since his last girlfriend dumped him after he deployed to Iraq the second time.
HOUSE: Selfish bitch. [Cameron rolls her eyes.]
CHASE: We've ruled out HIV, diabetes and any other endocrine abnormality.
CAMERON: Could be autoimmune, Sjogren's decreases salivary flow creates a hospitable home for bacteria.
CHASE: No, his eyes and tear ducts are fine.
HOUSE: Who was his last girlfriend?
FOREMAN: [Sarcastic.] Yea we'll get right on that. Chronic fatigue, joint pain and opportunistic infection spells cancer, probably lymphoma. We should biopsy his tonsillar and submandibular lymph nodes
HOUSE: Right about cancer, wrong about lymphoma. Unless you're simply hiding the fact that his lymph nodes are swollen. Get Wilson to biopsy his salivary glands. He's got parotid cancer, and see if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating, there's no way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.
CHASE: It's not an STD you just said...
HOUSE: Just do it. [Hangs up the phone, goes back to the magazine.]
[Cut to Wilson in John's room.]
WILSON: The antibiotics should at least relieve the infection, which will reduce the odour and taste in your mouth.
JOHN: Not soon enough.
[Nurse hands Wilson a needle.]
WILSON: All right, you're going to feel a little burn. [Sticks the needle into John's face.]
JOHN: You know I never even dipped. Chewing tobacco. Practically everyone in my unit did, but me. I was so paranoid about cancer.
WILSON: Well if it's parotid cancer it's very treatable if diagnosed early. [Stops poking John's face and puts the needle down.]
JOHN: My mom had cancer, which is why I know that diagnosing cancer early means before there's any serious symptoms. [Spits a large amount of what looks like pus into a bowl.] Certainly tastes like a pretty serious symptom you know?
WILSON: We'll know more after the test. [Grabs a much bigger needle.]
[Cut to the ducklings in diagnostics room reading through lots of paper.]
CAMERON: If he was just trying to mess with Cuddy for wasting his time this would have stopped as soon as the patient started exhibiting actual symptoms.
CHASE: So the question is why is he wasting our time?
CAMERON: Or is he wasting our time?
CHASE: You think he's got a medical reason for asking for the guy's credit report?
FOREMAN: I don't. Where were you two when the guy woke up?
CHASE: Uhhh... we just... stepped out for a second.
FOREMAN: To do what?
CHASE: To... get a coffee. We'd been up most of the night.
CAMERON: He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history, obviously we're missing something or we'd have the answer. [Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron.]
FOREMAN: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
CAMERON: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can we move on? [Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing.]
FOREMAN: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
CAMERON: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
CHASE: [Defensive] She did me once!
FOREMAN: She was stoned! [Continues laughing.]
[Cut to Wilson in the lab looking at something with the microscope. House walks in.]
WILSON: Biopsy's inconclusive. I'm going to do a sialogram while we wait for the results from the additional blood work.
HOUSE: No hurry. Probably nothing we can do at this point anyway.
WILSON: Well if the cancer hasn't spread.
HOUSE: He's spitting stink. You should focus on the living. I need a prescription.
WILSON: I just wrote you a prescription.
HOUSE: For Vicodin, I need alfuzosin.
WILSON: No you don't. You figured out where you met your Marine?
HOUSE: What? Oh that, I haven't really thought about it. I can't pee.
WILSON: You can't remember him can you?
HOUSE: I can't pee.
WILSON: So stop taking the Vicodin.
HOUSE: I want to pee and not be in pain.
WILSON: Why don't you go to sleep?
HOUSE: I don't pee when I'm asleep.
WILSON: Maybe you'll dream about him again and maybe he'll give you an address.
HOUSE: I haven't peed in three days.
WILSON: I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out problems.
HOUSE: Very useful, did you hear what I just said?
WILSON: Yea you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
HOUSE: I'm not obsessing.
WILSON: Why don't you just ask him?
HOUSE: [Yelling.] I haven't peed in three days!
WILSON: You'd be dead.
HOUSE: I'm not counting intermittent drips.
WILSON: You'd be in agony.
HOUSE: I passed agony yesterday around 4. [Pops a pill.]
[Wilson sighs and starts to write a prescription.]
[Aerial shot of PPTH.]
[Cut to ducklings still in diagnostics office.]
FOREMAN: [Hangs up his phone.] His mother, brother, uncle and best friend all confirm he hasn't had a date in over a year, which means it's not an STD. If you come up with something medically relevant, page me. [Gets up and leaves.]
[Chase stares at Cameron.]
CAMERON: What did you want me to tell him? The truth?
CHASE: No. You didn't have to be so convincing.
CAMERON: [Smiles.] Don't worry. I'll make it up to you.
CHASE: This is getting out of control.
CAMERON: Don't pout.
CHASE: Our patient woke up with an infection while we were getting our rocks off.
CAMERON: [Leans in closer to Chase.] Do you want to stop?
CHASE: No. But I don't want to get caught either.
CAMERON: You think I do?
CHASE: You certainly didn't go out of your way to keep the volume down while we were in the sleep lab.
CAMERON: [Smiles.] I couldn't help that... Why would I want to get caught?
CHASE: Maybe you want to give House a reason to be jealous?
CAMERON: I'm over House. All this is, is uncomplicated sex, don't try to make it more than that.
CHASE: We're not doing it at work anymore.
CAMERON: Fine. [Leans back, puts her glasses back on and starts reading one of the sheets of paper on the table. Chase sighs. Cameron looks back at Chase.] Want to go grab some lunch?
[Cut to House in the clinic.]
WOMAN: [Takes a drink of water from her bottle and starts tipping it from side to side, making a swishing noise, much to House's dismay.] I think the pill is the way to go, we haven't had a condom break yet thank god, but it's bound to happen. Especially the way we've been doing it.
HOUSE: On a bed of nails?
WOMAN: No he's not kinky. He's just insatiable. I can barely make it to any of my morning classes.
HOUSE: [Takes a deep breath.] You smoke?
WOMAN: No way.
HOUSE: [Yelling.] Stop it! [Woman jumps and stops moving the bottle.]
WOMAN: [Quietly.] Sorry.
HOUSE: Any history of hypertension? Blood clots? Strokes?
WOMAN: Nope. Besides my OCD I'm fit as a fiddle. [Takes a drink of water.]
HOUSE: You have OCD.
WOMAN: Duh. Can't you tell?
HOUSE: Any other compulsions besides drinking massive amounts of water?
WOMAN: No. That's it thank god. My therapist says it could be a lot worse.
HOUSE: You get up in the middle of the night to drink?
WOMAN: Yeah, every couple of hours.
HOUSE: Then your therapist is an idiot. Unconscious people don't have OCD. They can however have diabetes insipidus.
WOMAN: That's impossible. I eat candy all the time.
HOUSE: Different kind of diabetes. This kind is cause by a banged up pituitary. You're obviously more of a lover than a fighter I'm guessing either a car accident or... you cracked your skull on the balance beam.
WOMAN: [Amazed.] How'd you know?
HOUSE: Easy, nice ass, no boobs, you got palms like a longshoreman. Wait here, you need a CAT scan.
WOMAN: Oh my god.
HOUSE: Don't worry, just means you'll be taking two hormone supplements instead of one.
[House leaves, Woman drinks more water.]
[Cut to Wilson performing the sialogram on John, Music is playing quietly in the room.]
WILSON: Ok, this time you're going to feel a little pressure, I'm inserting the contrast material.
JOHN: Could you turn up the music?
WILSON: Sure. [Nods to the nurse who turns it up.] Looks pretty good so far.
JOHN: Still can't hear it that well.
[Wilson nods to the nurse who turns it up again.]
WILSON: Can you hear it now? John? [Starts to yell.] John? John can you hear me? [Gets no reaction.]
[Cut to House sitting on the chair in his office, Wilson walks in.]
WILSON: Still no... relief?
HOUSE: I got relief. I just got no pee. [Pops a pill.]
WILSON: If the pills didn't work you may need a catheter.
HOUSE: You didn't come here to talk to me about my pee, what's going on?
WILSON: [Pulls out the CT scan and puts it on the light board.] He's got cancer all right, but it's not in his salivary glands, it's in his brain. [House gets up and walks over to look at the scans.] And it's bad, at least 6 tumours, maybe more. He lost his hearing, his sight's probably next.
HOUSE: Death is probably next.
[Cut to House, Wilson and Foreman in radiology looking at John's scans.]
HOUSE: No way he could've grown all these in a week.
FOREMAN: Any older, VA couldn't have missed all these.
WILSON: Maybe they didn't miss them, just mixed them up. Switched his films with another patient's by mistake.
HOUSE: Maybe, but it means some poor sap's getting his melon sliced in the VA for no reason.
WILSON: This poor sergeant is going to be dead by the end of the week.
[Cameron and Chase walk in.]
HOUSE: Where have you two been?
CAMERON: Lunch. Why, what happened?
HOUSE: Wilson's found some fast growing, illusive, or magic brain tumours. What did you find?
CAMERON: Nothing, he's telling the truth.
WILSON: About what?
CHASE: About everything. Where he's lived, who he's dated, besides forgetting to mention his dad's shin splints, his granddad's nosebleeds and to return a few rented DVD's, everything he's told us has checked out.
WILSON: [Loudly.] You have them researching your dream?
HOUSE: Nope. I have them researching my patient.
CAMERON: You had a dream about a patient?
WILSON: This poor guy's brain is riddled with tumours and you're checking his credit report? [To the ducklings.] C'mon, I need you guys. [Starts to walk out, ducklings follow.]
HOUSE: Where you going?
WILSON: To do my job.
HOUSE: He's not your patient.
WILSON: He is now. Go home and go to sleep, maybe you'll dream the cure to late stage brain cancer.
[Cut to House watching John being prepped for surgery from the observation deck.]
[Cuddy walks in.]
CUDDY: How is he?
HOUSE: He's dead.
CUDDY: [Shocked.] Oh god.
HOUSE: Least he will be in a few days. Question is why? The only explanation is that the VA hospital screwed up.
CUDDY: There was definitely no mix up I had them recheck.
HOUSE: Yes, why would a government agency lie to cover up a mistake? Might've caused the death of a guy they've been trying to kill for the last two years anyway.
CUDDY: They didn't lie [House pops a pill and then a second.] Did you just take two Vicodin?
HOUSE: No, it was an antidepressant, I was told to take two every time you walked into the room.
CUDDY: [Sighs and hands House a scan.] The VA scan of his brain. No tumours.
HOUSE: Yes this has proved positive that someone didn't have tumours in his brain.
CUDDY: You see that bright spot below his left orbit. That is the titanium pin your patient had inserted 20 years ago. Unless you think the VA happened to mix up his scans with someone who had the exact same pin, they didn't screw up.
[Cut to House going through urine samples in the lab. Cameron and Chase walk in.]
CAMERON: You paged us?
HOUSE: Why didn't you send his urine to Leicester like I told you?
CHASE: Because you told me not to.
HOUSE: Why did you choose that moment to listen to me?
CHASE: You think depleted uranium might have something to do with his tumours?
HOUSE: Radiation's the only thing that will make tumours grow that fast.
CAMERON: High doses of radiation. Even if he ate depleted uranium bullets for breakfast he still would have been exposed to less radiation than we've given him in the last two days.
HOUSE: Do it anyway. [Chase goes to grab the right urine sample.] [To Cameron.] And you, call his uncle back, find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
CAMERON: No. Not until you give me a reason.
HOUSE: Because... I'm your boss.
CAMERON: A rational reason. Or at least admit that you don't have one.
HOUSE: I've got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it.
CAMERON: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something that you can't rationally explain...
HOUSE: [Cuts her off.] SHUT UP! Do what you're told. Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me but you do. [Leaves.]
CAMERON: What the hell was that all about?
CHASE: I don't care. Which is why I didn't feel the need to ask him 8 personal questions.
CAMERON: I'm over him.
CHASE: Just making an observation.
[Cut to Foreman about to drill into John's head, Wilson watching.]
WILSON: All right, ready whenever you are.
FOREMAN: I'm ready. [Starts the drill, looks up the screen and notices something, stops the drill.] Wait a minute. Zoom in. [Nurse zooms the scan in.] I don't see it. You sure you got the right coordinates?
WILSON: Yea she's in the right place. Go 10 millimetres above the ACPC line on the Z-axis.
NURSE: 10 mil above ACPC on Z.
FOREMAN: It's not there anymore.
WILSON: Are you sure you got the gantry angle right?
NURSE: Yeah I'm sure.
FOREMAN: It's not there. [Foreman and Wilson look at each other.]
[Cut to outside the OR. Foreman and Wilson are telling House and Cuddy.]
FOREMAN: It disappeared.
CUDDY: 6 tumours don't just disappear.
HOUSE: Unless they were never there to begin with.
CUDDY: The VA didn't screw up.
HOUSE: Maybe someone else did. Maybe it was Dr. Self-Righteous.
WILSON: I saw the tumours. There was no mix up.
CUDDY: Maybe there's something wrong with the portable imager in the OR.
FOREMAN: Something that would cause it to show brain tissue in perfect detail but completely miss neoplastic tissue?
HOUSE: Then they were never tumours to begin with.
WILSON: I told you I saw...
HOUSE: No you saw something that looked like tumours. We all did. We were all wrong. Well maybe he doesn't have cancer maybe he has a brain infection that's causing multiple abscesses.
CUDDY: That miraculously healed?
HOUSE: No, they were healed by the antibiotics we're giving him for the vaginosis in his mouth.
CUDDY: If it's an infection why didn't it show up in his blood work?
HOUSE: I don't know. Yet.
[Nurse comes out of the OR.]
NURSE: Dr. Wilson, we have a problem.
[Wilson goes into the OR, followed by Foreman. John is awake and panicking but still has his head clamped to the table.]
JOHN: What did you do? I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs! What did you guys do?
[House walks in.]
WILSON: John, John, calm down. We didn't even operate. [To the nurse.] Would this be a usual effect?
JOHN: I can't feel my legs!
NURSE: It's not the anaesthesia.
HOUSE: John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing. Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
[Cut to Diagnostics office, House is going through the whiteboard full of symptoms.]
HOUSE: Chronic fatigue, sore throats, rashes, putrid discharge of the mouth, multiple abscesses in the brain, hearing loss and last but not least lower limb paralysis. He's certainly given us plenty of clues.
CAMERON: It's got to be some sort of infection.
HOUSE: That's miraculously improving in his brain but getting worse in his ears and legs?
WILSON: Could be an infection and cancer. Neoplastic syndrome could depress his immune system and cause the other symptoms.
HOUSE: Mm-hmm. You're basing this theory on the negative biopsy, the lymph nodes that aren't swollen or the tumours that were never there to begin with?
WILSON: And what are you going to base your theory on? His favourite restaurants?
[Chase walks in.]
CHASE: I was right. He's excreting depleted uranium in his urine. We should start him on an IV infusion of isotonic sodium bicarbonates.
HOUSE: It's not depleted uranium.
CHASE: You're the one...
HOUSE: Who asked for the test when we were thinking cancer, we no longer are.
CHASE: Depleted uranium doesn't just cause cells to mutate it can cause cell death as well.
HOUSE: Not spinal cord cells. At least not until the dose is high enough to kill all his other cells first.
FOREMAN: So you're saying the radioactive uranium in his urine is irrelevant?
HOUSE: [Sighs.] The sun is radioactive, the earth is radioactive, this hospital is filled with radiation. The issue is not where it is but how much there is, and what damage that amount could cause inside someone's spinal cord, as I've already stated quite clearly...
WILSON: Got it, we're all idiots, what's your theory?
HOUSE: Give me your keys.
HOUSE: You ever tried riding a motorcycle with a distended bladder? [Wilson throws his keys to House.] Keep him on antibiotics, check his hearing and paralysis every hour. [Starts to leave.]
FOREMAN: So you basically want us to do nothing?
HOUSE: No... I basically want to do nothing. I want you to keep him on antibiotics and check his hearing and paralysis every hour. [Continues leaving.]
WILSON: Wait, you can't go home now.
HOUSE: Actually I have to go home now. It's two days past my bedtime.
WILSON: House he needs your help.
HOUSE: And I need sleep. Hey it's the brain's way of working out problems that the conscious mind can't solve during the day remember? [Leaves.]
[Aerial shot of PPTH at night.]
[Cut to Foreman sticking a pin in John's leg, while Cameron checks his IV and Chase writes 'NOW?' on a mini whiteboard.]
JOHN: [Shakes his head.] No, nothing. [Sighs.] I'm going to die, aren't I?
[Chase writes 'We're doing all we can' on the whiteboard but Foreman stops him from showing it to John.]
FOREMAN: No, we're not. We should start treatment for the uranium toxicity like you said.
CAMERON: But House...
FOREMAN: Isn't here.
[We see the ducklings talking silently from John's point of view, Foreman says something but neither we, nor John can hear it.]
CHASE: If House wanted to be involved in the case... [Again from John's point of view so we don't hear the end of the sentence.]
CAMERON: If he wanted us to start this treatment he would have told us to the last time you brought it up.
FOREMAN: You have a better idea?
FOREMAN: Then we're going with Chase's. [Slaps Chase on the arm and walks out, Chase follows.]
[Cameron writes 'We have an idea' on the whiteboard and shows John.]
[Cut to House entering his house.]
[He throws his keys on his desk, puts a paper bag down on it and takes off his jacket, leaves his cane, grabs the bag and limps down the hallway.]
[Cut to House sitting on the toilet. He takes out the catheter from the box and drops the box on the floor, grabs a syringe and squeezes gel onto the end of the catheter tube. Drops the syringe on the floor and pops a Vicodin. He then proceeds to insert the catheter into himself. He then breathes a sigh of relief as urine starts to fill the bag.]
[Cut to House limping into his bedroom, catheter still in, he gets in bed and leaves the bag on the floor. Looks at the clock 8:22 pm.]
[Aerial of PPTH, still night.]
[Cut to Foreman fiddling with the IV bags.]
FOREMAN: Tell him not to get the lines tangled. The infusion is slow we can't have any kinks in the lines.
CHASE: [Taps Foreman on the shoulder and shows him the whiteboard on which Chase has already written 'Don't tangle the lines'.] I went to medical school too. [Shows John the board, John nods.]
FOREMAN: Keep your arms on your body, above your heart. [Puts his arms over his chest to show John what he means.]
JOHN: [Nods and copies, then starts feeling around his stomach.] I can't feel my stomach. [Foreman sticks a pin in John's stomach.] I don't feel that. [Starts to panic.] I don't feel anything.
FOREMAN: The paralysis is ascending, if it keeps going we're going to need a respirator.
JOHN: What? What are you saying?
CHASE: Can you breathe? [Writes 'Trouble breathing?' on the whiteboard and shows John.]
JOHN: No. Not yet.
[Cut to House lying awake in bed, he looks at the clock, 12:31am. Shot of the clock ticking through the minutes, 12:38, 12:39, 12:40, 12:41, shot of House rolling around in bed awake. 1:17, 1:18, 1:19, another shot of House lying awake in bed, this time from the other side of the room. 2:50, 2:51, still awake, rubs his head and face. 4:08, 4:09, getting frustrated, tossing and turning, puts the covers on.]
[It's light. House is lying on his back, awake, has given up, and looks at the clock, 6:06am. Resigned to the fact that he has to go back to work, he gets up.]
[Aerial of PPTH, day.]
[Cut to Foreman and Chase sleeping on the couch in the staff lounge, camera pans around to reveal House standing there holding the TV remote. He turns on the TV, Chase and Foreman are jolted awake.]
HOUSE: So, where were we?
FOREMAN: You have a nice night?
HOUSE: No. [Gets rid of the remote and walks out.]
[Cut to Diagnostics office, the Ducklings are sitting at the table, which is covered in paper and files. House is pacing back and forth.]
CAMERON: The paralysis is ascending. Last check it was nearly to his diaphragm.
HOUSE: Tells us something.
FOREMAN: Means it's getting worse.
HOUSE: Worse is something.
CHASE: Actually it tells us it's not the uranium.
HOUSE: Did we think it was?
FOREMAN: We started him on sodium bicarb to try and flush the uranium out of his system.
HOUSE: Great, now the fact that he's getting worse tells us nothing. Never thought it was uranium. For all we know uranium treatment is what's making him...
FOREMAN: Sodium bicarb infusion wouldn't have any effect on...
HOUSE: On what? Kind of hard to say what it would have an effect on if you have no idea what's there to affect.
FOREMAN: We had to do something.
HOUSE: Well next time, go with something that has a chance of working.
CAMERON: Like what? Did you come up with some brilliant idea while you were warm and cosy in your bed at home?
HOUSE: We need more information.
FOREMAN: How much more information could you possible want? We have a medical history going all the way back to his great grandparents. A non-medical history going...
HOUSE: It's not enough.
CHASE: It's all we're going to get.
[All three ducklings' beepers go off.]
HOUSE: Want to bet?
[Cut to Cuddy in John's room reading through his file, House walks in followed by the ducklings.]
CUDDY: Who approved a sodium bicarb infusion?
HOUSE: Don't look at me, I was home in bed.
CHASE: What's wrong?
CUDDY: He's unconscious, his skin has lost all colour and his BP and hematocrit are plunging.
FOREMAN: He was only on the sodium bicarb...
HOUSE: He's bleeding out.
CAMERON: He can't be bleeding out there's no blood in the bed.
HOUSE: Fine, he's bleeding in.
CHASE: There's no sign of bruising or internal haemorrhaging.
FOREMAN: The paralysis must have reached his diaphragm he's not able to oxygenate his blood.
HOUSE: He's not able to oxygenate his blood because he doesn't have any left. [Starts to put down Johns bed.]
CHASE: There's no evidence...
HOUSE: The only thing that would explain...
CAMERON: There's no reason for blood loss.
HOUSE: There has to be a reason, he needs a transfusion. Get me four units of O negative stat! Now let's elevate his feet. [Pulls John's pillow out from under his head.]
CUDDY: He doesn't need a transfusion.
HOUSE: Nobody asked you. [Puts the pillow under John's feet.] In fact why are you even here?
CUDDY: Because obviously you need my help.
HOUSE: Get out.
CHASE: House. [Starts to walk over to House's side of the bed.] His blood obviously didn't just vanish... [Slips over, and notices a yellow liquid on the floor, puts his fingers in it.] What the hell is this?
HOUSE: [Looks down.] Somebody must have spilled something. [Goes back to what he was doing.] Somebody else should be getting me four units of O negative stat.
CHASE: [Still on the ground, notices the liquid is coming from houses leg, lifts up House's jeans to reveal a catheter bag with a rip in it leaking large amounts of urine onto the floor.] What the hell is that?
HOUSE: It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what hell's it look like?
[Chase stands up, the bag continues to leak urine all over the floor, everyone stares at House.]
HOUSE: What? [More and more urine pours out of the bag.] It's just urine. It's sterile. No one's getting me blood! [House's nose starts bleeding.] Why isn't anybody getting me blood?
FOREMAN: You're bleeding. [House wipes his nose.]
CUDDY: House are you all right?
HOUSE: Why are you even here?
[The view of cuddy gets wider and skinnier like she's walking in front of a fun house mirror and she sounds like she's miles away.]
CUDDY: I'm always here.
HOUSE: No you're not. There got to be a reason. There has to be. [House closes his eyes, there's a quick shot of each of the ducklings, then Cuddy who smiles, then John who opens his eyes and starts laughing manically.]
[Cut to House, waking up, still in his bed. He looks down to see that the catheter has come out and he's peed his bed. Then he lies back and smiles.]
[Aerial of PPTH. Day.]
[Cut to Foreman and Chase sleeping on the couch in the staff lounge, camera pans around to reveal House standing there holding the TV remote. He turns on the TV, Chase and Foreman are jolted awake.]
HOUSE: So, where were we?
FOREMAN: You have a nice night?
HOUSE: Yes I did thank you. I'm guessing better than our patient. Probably due to his BP and hematocrit plunging. [Throws the remote to Foreman.]
FOREMAN: How'd you know? [House walks out.]
[Cut to House looking into John's nose, camera zooms in so we can see the scarring.]
HOUSE: The answer was staring right at us the whole time, as plain as the nose on our faces, or the nose on his face.
JOHN: What's going on, what'd he say?
HOUSE: No hairs and cauterisation scars.
CHASE: [Confused.] Which means?
HOUSE: He had it cauterised.
CAMERON: How could you know that?
HOUSE: Because it makes sense, undoubtedly done to stop the same childhood nosebleeds that plagued his grandfather, undoubtedly because they were both born with Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia.
JOHN: What's he saying?
HOUSE: I'm saying you got a genetic disease that is destroying your capillaries.
CAMERON: That no one in his family has ever been diagnosed with before?
HOUSE: Not surprising, since the most common initial symptoms, skin rashes and nosebleeds, are often written off as the result of minor trauma or dry weather. But they can also be the result of his arteries and veins merging together. He obviously has AVM's. [Camera takes a trip through John's chest showing what House is explaining.] An AVM near his spine caused the paralysis. AVM in his lungs prevented his blood from being filtered. Dirty blood caused the joint pain, fatigue and the infections in his mouth and brain. Nothing that a few surgeries won't clear up. Get MR angiograms of the aforementioned. The Marines weren't hiding anything, he was, or at least he forgot to mention his bloody tissue issue. [House leaves.]
JOHN: What's going on, what'd he say?
[Cut to House at the urinal singing, Wilson walks in.]
WILSON: Oh, looks like solving the case, solved your other problem.
HOUSE: There is no medicine like happiness, except maybe laughter, or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.
WILSON: You cathed yourself?
HOUSE: It's actually not that bad after the first... I don't know, 9 or 10 inches. Cath relieved the spasm. I'm as good as new.
WILSON: Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any problem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller.
HOUSE: [Flushes.] Yeah that was my thought too. [Walks over to wash his hands.]
WILSON: [Flushes with his elbow.] So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill.
HOUSE: Thank god. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true.
WILSON: You really got the answer in your sleep?
HOUSE: I got one in my sleep, the other one I got in the shower. [Walks out.]
[Cut to Cuddy walking out of a patient's room, House is waiting for her.]
HOUSE: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
CUDDY: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
HOUSE: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
CUDDY: I was not.
HOUSE: Talk about the cool uncle, he donates the money while the nephew gets the write off. Of course by write off I mean he gets to put your ankles...
CUDDY: [Puts her hand on his chest to stop House talking.] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.
HOUSE: Because of my t-shirt?
CUDDY: [Drags House away from the nurses station.] Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would've spent the whole time...
HOUSE: That's very smart, because this way I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient.
CUDDY: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes.
HOUSE: What is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine and you get free health care for a year? [Cuddy smiles.] Why are you smiling?
CUDDY: You remembered him because he made out with me.
HOUSE: I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
CUDDY: You're lousy with faces.
HOUSE: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
CUDDY: [Still smiling.] Get over me. [Starts to walk away.]
HOUSE: Oh give me a break. You hired me...
CUDDY: Because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
HOUSE: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything you...
CUDDY: Stop staring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasising about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago House. Get over it. [Walks away.]
HOUSE: If you're still referring to you ass I think that super tanker sailed would be a more precise metaphor.
[Cuddy turns around laughs and then keeps walking out.]
[Cut to House wiping off the whiteboard. He looks at the table full of paper.]
[Cut to Cameron and Chase kissing and undressing each other in some closet, House opens the door, turns the light on and walks in.]
HOUSE: Sorry, looking for an extra large trash can. [Dumps the files and paper in the bin and walks out shutting the door behind him.]
CHASE: Since when does he clean anything up?
[Cut to House walking back to his office, he smiles as he opens the door and walks in.]
[Camera stays on the sign on the door that says Gregory House, MD. Department of Diagnostic Medicine.]