Written by: David Hoselton
Directed by: Newton Thomas Sigel
Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)
Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy) & Dorothy (houses_vicodin)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.
(The scene opens on a man sitting at a table with severely autistic son Adam, trying to engage his interest to teach him something.)
Dominic: Follow my finger. [Adam pulls up his shirt so he doesn't have to see.] Adam, show me a bicycle. [He holds up a pad with stick-on pictures of objects. We see from Adam's point of view that things look exceptionally blurry and his interest is drawn to a fly.] Eyes here. Adam? Show me a bicycle.
[Adam finally extends his hand but picks up the picture of balls instead.]
Dominic: [Resigned.] No buddy, that's a ball. [Adam hides behind his t-shirt again.] Adam look at me, are you hungry? Show me what you want for lunch.
[Adam picks up the chalk and draws a squiggly line on the little black board in front of him. It is one of 4 that he has already drawn.]
(Scene moves on outside where Adam is eating his lunch and Dominic talks to his wife.)
Dominic: Still drawing those lines instead of looking at the cards.
[Adam has finished his lunch and is banging his glass on the table.]
Sarah: More juice?
Dominic: He wants more juice he has to ask for it. Adam? Buddy? Eyes here.
Sarah: He's tired Dom.
Dominic: Wouldn't be if we stuck to the schedule. Show me the juice, buddy.
Sarah: Think we've reached the point of diminished returns.
Dominic: [Sharply interrupting her.] He has to ask for it. Adam!
[Adam suddenly starts choking.]
Sarah: He's choking!
Dominic: That's impossible, it's mac and cheese.
[Adam grabs at his throat and suddenly starts screaming in agony.]
(Scene opens on the conference room in the morning, House throws a file down on the desk.)
House: 10-yr-old boy screams for his life for no reason.
Foreman: He's autistic, severely autistic. Can't talk, can't make eye contact. Screaming's probably his way of communicating.
[House looks around the office oddly.]
House: And he went to 3 different doctors who all said just that.
Foreman: Wow, so clearly that can't be the answer. His brain can't filter information, it's a constant assault on his senses I'd scream too.
House: Or it's something medical sounding like dysesthesia. Parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son. [He suddenly walks out of the office; the Ducklings quickly get up and follow him.]
Cameron: Since when do we start believing parents? Or anyone? Where are we going?
House: Elevator. [He presses the button and waits for it.] Dad was on Wall Street, mom was a partner in an accounting firm, when their son was diagnosed with autism they both quit.
Foreman: So they're overprotective and scared, that's all the more reason to--
House: They've studied this kid, heard him scream a million times. Did 10 years of caring for him, this is the first time they've brought him to a hospital.
[Elevator arrives, they troop in.]
Foreman: ER checked his throat, no obstructions, nothing! Which means the only symptom was a scream, which is diagnostic of nothing.
Chase: [Beta Comment: Who, lately, always seems willing to give it a shot when the other two are being dismissive.] Kid clutched his chest, BP was elevated; maybe there was chest pain.
Foreman: ER said the heart was fine.
House: Don't be so quick to dismiss pain.
Cameron: Where are we going?
House: Down. Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection and ANA for lupus.
Cameron: Because he screamed?
Chase: Could also be an environmental reaction; an allergy, dust, wheat, pollen, a toxin.
[They reach the ground floor and troop out into the lobby.]
House: Check the house. Run a lung ventilation scan. Lungs are in the chest too, right?
Foreman: I had a date last night, she screamed. Should we spend a 100,000 dollars testing her?
House: Of course not, this isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing! [He pushes the door open into the clinic.] Look, if you don't think this kid is worth saving--
Foreman: That's not what I'm saying!
House: Well that's too bad, it's a good point. Kid's just a lump with tonsils. You know what it's going to be like trying to put an autistic kid into a nuclear scanner? I don't envy you guys. [He opens the door to Cuddy's office and leaves them to their job.]
House: I want my old carpet back. [He bangs his cane on to her desk, she's on the phone.]
Cuddy: Err; we're going to have to do this later. A kid in the clinic had an accident. [She puts the phone down.] Generally when people are on the phone--
House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained, with blood.
House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me, I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want regardless of how stupid it is?
House: It's my office; it's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.
Cuddy: It's identical to the old carpet, except without the hazardous biological waste.
House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable microfibre has been restored to its rightful place.
Cuddy: Inspiring. [She puts up her feet on the desk.] If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. You don't want to work in the clinic, go home and don't get paid.
House: [Banging on the floor with his cane.] Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! [Stops banging the cane and looks at her.] Attica?
(Scene changes to Adam playing a game on his Sony PSP in his room in the hospital.)
Dominic: He just needs to finish this level.
Foreman: We only have the scanner for the next half hour, after that--
Dominic: Trust me; you don't want to move him until he's finished.
Foreman: The sooner we do this test, the sooner we can get you guys home.
Dominic: [Sits down next to Adam.] Adam? Do you think that--
[Adam shakes his head and tries to move away from Dominic's hand on his shoulder while making noises of displeasure.]
Dominic: 10 minutes tops.
Foreman: If he has a vascular disorder, we might not have--
Dominic: He might not have 10 minutes?
Foreman: I don't have 10 minutes. [He tries to snatch the PSP from Adam. Beta Comment: He obviously slept through class the day they discussed autism.]
Dominic: No! You don't want to do that! [Adam cries and starts screaming.] Adam! Adam! [Sarah tries to calm him down by hugging his head and making comforting sounds.]
(Scene changes to House doing his clinic duty, he is listening to a patient while learning his head on the top of his cane.)
Patient 1: I used Metamucil like the doctor told me and finally I was able to use the bathroom but I saw something in the toilet I couldn't identify. [She opens up her handbag and digs something out.] I wrapped it in tissue paper so you could take a look. [She offers it to him and he cringes back.]
(Scene shifts back to Foreman trying to get Adam strapped up for the test while he is screaming and fighting.)
Sarah: Can't you sedate him or something?
Foreman: Could if I didn't want the test results to mean anything.
(Scene goes back to the clinic.)
Patient 2: Painkillers, exercises, I even did that puncture thing, nothing works. Then this morning, I get up, my back feels great. I figured I'd better get down here right away.
[House looks down in despair and utter boredom.]
(Scene moves on to Chase and Cameron at the family's home taking samples of stuff.)
Cameron: [With a bottle of pills.] Big shocker, dad's depressed.
Chase: Save your time, SSRIs don't cause chest pain. [He puts something back in the fridge and looks at what is on the door.] Wow. Every minute of every day is booked. He eats, sleeps, plays his handheld.
Cameron: Not much of a life for them.
Chase: They chose to have a family; you don't get to decide what your kid's going to be like.
Cameron: Nobody chooses this.
[They move out into the backyard.]
Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, a parent works. You get a special kid that costs more; you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped, all the good times you could have had with dad. [He looks at her like ‘Dude.’]
(Scene moves back to the clinic, House [with stethoscope slung around his neck.] moves out of one clinic room and heaves a big sigh before moving into the next.)
[Ali, the stalker girl from the last episode is waiting inside.]
Ali: Hey doctor House.
House: Hello girl whose name I don't remember but whose dad I treated so I don't really know why she's here.
Ali: Ali. Umm... I think I caught what my dad has. The rhino thing.
House: Right. [He presses two fingers into two spots on her forehead.] Does that hurt?
Ali: A little. It's in my chest too.
House: Of course it is. [He puts the earpieces of the stethoscope back into his ear as she unzips her shirt... she doesn't have anything on underneath. House's jaw drops and he goes rather wide-eyed.] Kinda had access through the shirt, this'll work. [He listens to her heart.]
Ali: That feels good.
House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17-yr-old boys?
Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.
[They both laugh softly, Foreman barges in and Ali quickly zips her shirt back up. Foreman gives them an odd look.]
Foreman: The ventilation scan was normal, time to send him home.
House: Can't leave right now. [Turns back to Ali.] Well congratulations, you are the proud owner of your very own rhino thing.
Foreman: A rhinovirus? You can't leave because she has a cold?
House: Can't leave because Cuddy says I can't leave.
[Foreman does his eyebrow thing and closes the door.]
(Next scene, the whiteboard has been moved down the lobby of the clinic, House is sitting on the nurse's desk and the Ducklings are crowded around the board in the midst of the busy clinic.)
Foreman: All the tests are normal.
Brenda: Hey, don't start with me. We're backed up.
House: I know this is hard for all of us but thanks to doctor Cuddy I don't have an office so I have to work here.
Cameron: What'd she do to your office?
House: It's unusable. So, whatever's bothering him it wasn't his lungs. What about the kid's house?
[Brenda knocks on the door of Cuddy's office and moves off to do her thing.]
Cameron: There were some pesticides and some alcohol but the tox screen was negative.
Foreman: Which means there's nothing physically wrong with this kid.
House: We already had that discussion. Did we get a fecal smear? [He purposely says the last bit louder to ick out the people in the clinic.]
Chase: Should we do this some place else?
House: Nope, Cuddy says I have to work here.
Cuddy: [Walking out of her office.] No, I said you can work in your office or you had to work here.
House: And since I can't work in my office.
Cuddy: Is this your master plan? Disrupt hospital business until I replace your carpet?
House: Devious. Saw it in a James Bond movie. [Raising the volume.] Fecal smear, talk to me!
Cuddy: Get out of here.
House: Put back my carpet?
Cuddy: No! Get out of here!
House: Fecal matter, is there a sample we can look at?
Foreman: Parents have the smear the kit but the kid is constipated.
Cuddy: Do what you want, not replacing your carpet. [She smiles in victory and struts back into her office.]
House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kinda feel like a bagel. [He walks out of the clinic.]
(Scene changes to Adam playing on his PSP again.)
[Foreman knocks and enters the room.]
Foreman: We need a stool sample. We should probably wait until he's finished playing that level, huh?
Sarah: I actually think he's a bit better today. He seems more like his old self.
Foreman: [All pompous and I-told-you-so.] It is possible that he was never sick.
Dominic: I guess we err... could have overreacted.
[Suddenly Adam starts gagging and spits out a lot of fluid.]
Dominic: Adam? Adam!
(Next scene, the team and the whiteboard are in Wilson's office.)
House: So what makes fluid fill the lining of a kid's lungs?
Cameron: Why are we in here? This is some sort of power play?
House: Yeah. So you stuck your finger in the kid and gave him a pleural effusion. [He moves stuff off the edge of Wilson's desk so he can perch on it.] You ever considered getting a manicure?
Foreman: I took the stool sample after his lungs failed.
Cameron: Or do you really have a problem with the carpeting? Change sets you off--
House: I said it was a power play, someone answers yes to option A, you don't move on to option B.
Chase: If there's a pleural effusion, we have to rule out heart failure. [Beta Comment: Still the only one actually on task.]
Cameron: Why now? Why a power play now?
House: I smelled weakness. Get the kid an echocardiogram. [He starts playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk when Wilson enters his office. He looks confused at seeing the team in there, the Ducklings look slightly embarrassed. Wilson looks at the name on his door.]
Wilson: That's funny; it says James Wilson, what a strange typo.
House: The fluid comes back in exudate; get him on broad spectrum antibiotics.
[The Ducklings walk out.]
Wilson: Thank you for coming.
Cameron: No problem.
House: Thought you wouldn't mind sharing offices for a while.
Wilson: You share stories, feelings... toys. You don't share offices.
House: That is so not Zen.
[Wilson snatches the Zen garden out of House's hands.]
Wilson: It was a gift, some doctors get those.
House: So you want mornings or afternoons?
Wilson: [Hangs up his lab coat.] You couldn't make Cuddy miserable so you're going to make me miserable so I can make Cuddy miserable on your behalf?
Wilson: What makes you think I can make her miserable? [Starts rolling up his sleeves.]
House: Because you're good at that stuff.
Wilson: Ohhh, I'm nothing compared to you.
House: [Picks up a random toy.] Is there anything you'll throw out?
Wilson: That's a gift from an 11-yr-old patient of mine, she and I both knew it was a piece of junk and that's what made her laugh.
House: So you gotta keep it until she… [He draws his hand across his neck and makes an execution sound.]
Wilson: She already did.
[House pauses for a moment before he dumps it into the bin.]
(Scene moves on to Foreman trying to give the kid another test while he's screaming and fighting. His parents are helping to hold him down)
Foreman: Adam, I need you to stay still buddy!
Dominic: Okay, it's okay, I got him. Here we go.
[Foreman starts to ultrasound Adam's heart and looks worriedly on the screen at the result.]
Dominic: What? What is it? Is his heart ok?
(Next scene, the whiteboard has been set up in a little meeting room somewhere in the hospital. The Ducklings sit and listen to House in front of the whiteboard writing.)
Foreman: Echo suggested a conduction abnormality, EKG confirmed it.
Chase: Still doesn't explain the effusion. Pleural fluid was in exudate, we should be looking for something that explains both the heart and lung problems. An infection, parasite, cancer?
Foreman: Microbiology showed no organisms in the fluid so forget infection.
Cameron: It's not a power play. [House stops writing.] Doing a differential in the clinic makes sense - piss Cuddy off. Same thing with Wilson's office - works indirectly. But now we're in office space because you don't want to be in your own office which means this has nothing to do with Cuddy, you really are obsessed with your carpets. Which means--
[And just at that moment Cuddy and a few business-looking people walk into the room.]
Cuddy: What are you doing here? I have this room booked from 2 to 3.
House: [Turns around and feigns surprise.] Oh, 2 East coast time? [Cameron looks resigned.] I thought you meant Pacific, which is stupid of me I guess. [The Ducklings start to get up.] What about parasites?
Foreman: Stool sample's negative.
Cuddy: It's 2 o' clock.
House: Oh well, we should go then. [Ducklings are about to get up again.] That just leaves cancer. Get a lung biopsy.
Foreman: It took a half an hour to get a mask on the kid for the lung scan!
House: Well I'm sorry, was there somewhere you needed to be?
[The Ducklings get up and leave the room.]
Cuddy: House, can we talk?
[They walk out of the room and talk outside in the corridor against the railings as the business-type people Cuddy came with go into the room.]
House: Nothing to talk about.
Cuddy: Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today.
House: Huh. A lot to discuss, china patterns--
Cuddy: House, she's a stalker.
House: Right, couldn't be that she finds me interesting and attractive. Has to be that she's insane.
Cuddy: She's called you 15 times; your mother's not that interested in you.
House: Well maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was.
Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
House: Is this about the carpet? Do you think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
Cuddy: You better not be having fun!
House: I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.
Cuddy: She's dangerous!
House: She's not dangerous.
Cuddy: She's pretty.
House: She's pretty.
Cuddy: Men are stupid.
House: I'm with you so far.
Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
House: Oh, give her a break, she's not dangerous, she's... insightful. [Cuddy walks away and back into the meeting room. House presses himself up against the glass of the door and shouts into the room at all the business men and Cuddy.] You can't stop our love! [The business men are startled; Cuddy gives an embarrassed smile in response. House looks smug.]
(Next scene, Foreman knocks on Wilson's door and walks in.)
Foreman: Hey, you got a minute?
Foreman: We have a 10-yr-old with pleural effusion and conduction abnormality but no heart failure.
Wilson: Was there a protein in the pleural fluid?
Foreman: Yeah, that's why we're thinking cancer, Non-Hodgkin's probably so we want to do a lung biopsy.
Wilson: Lung biopsies usually come back negative so biopsy a lymph node under the arm.
Foreman: That's probably something an Oncologist should do, right?
Wilson: There's nothing real tricky to it, just a biopsy.
Foreman: Still, just to be safe, you mind? [Wilson shakes his head.]
(Sneaky Foreman - next scene, Adam is screaming and fighting again as the nurses try to make him breathe from the mask to knock him out, Wilson heaves a big sigh as he waits to perform the biopsy.)
[House enters the room.]
House: For the love of god, can't somebody shut that kid up? Got people trying to work around here. [To Wilson.] Why don't you show him a teddy bear or something?
Dominic: Who are you?
House: Somebody you'll never send a gift to.
Wilson: This is doctor House, your son's doctor.
House: [He picks up the gas mask.] High test please. [To Adam.] Hey, hey, hey! [He puts the mask to his own nose and starts loudly breathing from it for Adam to see.]
Wilson: Out of vicodin?
Sarah: What are you doing?
House: Eating the red berries. [He keeps breathing from the mask and then tries to put the mask on Adam's nose and mouth. Adam isn't fighting as hard against it but is still protesting. House looks very high and keeps blinking a lot. He breaths from the mask again and then tries it on Adam. This time Adam accepts and is knocked out in a couple of seconds.]
Sarah: He trusted you.
House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.
Dominic: No, that was huge. It was like a conversation.
House: [Tries to get up and unsteadily hangs on to the overhanging lights.] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do, that's all it was. Your kid's still just as messed up as when we admitted him.
[Wilson starts the biopsy as House walks away and makes a huge stumble into a trolley in his highly unsteady state, Wilson makes a face to the parents as if to say it's ok, this happens all the time.]
(Later; House, Wilson and Cameron are doing tests on the biopsy samples in a lab later. Cameron is preparing slides and Wilson is looking at them. House still seems a little high and is staring a little dazedly at Cameron.)
Wilson: That was sensitive.
House: You have pretty hair.
Wilson: Hope is all those parents have going for them.
House: No, hope is what's making them miserable. What they should do is get a cocker spaniel. A dog would look them in the eye, wag his tail when he's happy, lick their face, show them love.
Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied.
Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
House: Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him.
Wilson: Err, no cancer... because these aren't lymph cells.
Cameron: Then what are they?
Wilson: Liver cells.
[Cameron takes a look at the microscope and House transfers the image on to the computer screen.]
House: Wow. Liver cells under his arm. I wonder what he's got where his liver's supposed to be.
(Scene changes to House once again playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk, the Ducklings enter.)
House: Anyone got a clue how liver cells got into the kid's armpit?
[Foreman and Chase take the couch, House shoves the Zen garden into the bin and pats the space beside him on the edge of the desk and looks at Cameron]
House: Make yourself at home. So, think maybe Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong?
Foreman: Lymph system circulates fluid, not organ cells.
Cameron: Cancer cells break into the lymphatic system all the time.
Chase: But we're not talking about cancer cells.
House: So what's the difference between cancer cells and liver cells, why can one pass through walls but the other can't?
Cameron: Cancer cells are damaged lets them go into blood vessels, go wherever they want.
House: So if the liver cells are damaged...
Foreman: Liver isn't damaged. The tests were normal.
House: So if the liver cells are damaged -- it's theoretically possible to pass into the lymphatic system. Liver failure could also explain pleural effusion, even the heart issues.
Cameron: Liver cells are fine, he was immunized for Hep A and B and do you really think this kid is having unprotected sex or sharing needles?
House: Hmm, daddy does seem the type to use a rubber. So it's not viral. [He gets up and starts pacing.] Just leaves a lot of boozerosis.
Cameron: Our 10-yr-old boy does not having a drinking problem or cirrhosis.
Foreman: House, when we echoed his heart we got a piece of his liver, there was no scarring.
House: Cirrhosis explains the symptoms; heart problems, lungs.
Cameron: Look up cirrhosis in the dictionary, it means scarring.
Chase: Parents aren't doing or dosing this kid.
House: How would you know that? Kid can't talk. Why'd you think I took this case? He's not going to give away the ending.
Chase: They quit their jobs for him.
House: Yes, they are everything you'd want in a parent. Unfortunately their kid is nothing you'd want. When a baby is born, it's perfect; little fingers, little toes, plump, perfect, pink, and brimming with unbridled potential. Then it's downhill, some hills steeper than others. Parents get off on their kid's accomplishments. [House picks up one of Wilson's toys which then says "Bend over and relax".] Cute! They'll annoy you with trophy rooms and report cards. Hell they'll even show you a purple cow and tell you what a keen eye for color their kid has. [Wilson bursts into the office, looks annoyed and walks back out again.] But this kid, he doesn't smile, he doesn't hug them, he doesn't laugh. His parents get nothing, the right to brag that their kid picked orange juice out of a line-up.
Foreman: So you figure they slipped the kid a mickey so they don't have to deal.
House: Do a biopsy to confirm cirrhosis and don't try and pawn it off on Wilson, he's going to be busy with Cuddy.
[Chase and Foreman walk out and Cameron approaches House.]
House: My parents love me unconditionally. Get out of here.
(Scene moves on to Wilson talking to Cuddy as they walk down the stairs towards the ground floor.)
Wilson: Don't you think the restraining order's a little much? He's not actually going to have sex with a 17-yr-old patient.
Cuddy: I didn't think he was going to ask me to dig a blood-stained carpet out of a dumpster either.
Wilson: It might be easier in the long run.
[Wilson stops at the landing in between two flights of stairs.]
Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Wilson: Unless you wanna make out?
Cuddy: You want me to surrender to House's coup?
Wilson: No, no, you proactively give him what he wants.
Cuddy: I defeat him by surrendering to him.
Wilson: He'll never see it coming. Look, I'll pay for it myself! What is it? A thousand bucks to carpet a room?
Cuddy: Actually it's 400.
Cuddy: Not doing it. [She continues walking down leaving a disappointed Wilson.]
(Foreman walks into Cuddy's office, House is sitting at her desk reading some papers.)
House: Liver biopsy?
Foreman: They're doing it now.
House: How's it going?
Foreman: Like a biopsy; needles, cells, screaming.
House: What'd you find in the stool sample?
Foreman: You were too busy bothering Cuddy, as discussed it was negative for parasites. Can we get out of here?
House: I didn't ask what you didn't find; I asked what you did find in the stool sample.
Foreman: Stool. And traces of iron, zinc, calcium carbonate, can we leave?
House: What's the matter? You afraid of the man?
[Foreman laughs scornfully but as he turns to the door, Cuddy walks in and he almost jumps in fright.]
House: Uh oh, too late.
Cuddy: Leave my stuff alone!
House: You're meeting with a Guggenheim in 15 minutes wearing that?
Cuddy: I'm going to count to 3 and then, I'm going to fire you. One.
House: Calcium carbonate, that's uhh... antidiarrheal, right?
House: Think that's significant? Think hard poops are significant? [Turns back to Cuddy.] Two and a half? Never threaten unless you're ready to deliver, makes you look weak. Thank god you don't have children.
[The phone starts ringing and House is about to pick it up when Cuddy snatches it out of his hand.]
Cuddy: Doctor Cuddy.
House: Take a message.
Cuddy: Your patient is being rushed to cardiac ICU.
House: Wow, that's like the one thing that would get me out of here.
(Scene shifts to Adam being rushed into the ICU.)
Cameron: [To the parents.] I'm sorry you can't come in here.
Dominic: What's going on?
[Chase and the nurses shift Adam off the gurney and on to a bed.]
Chase: He's in v-fib!
Nurse: [Brings the defibrillator.] Here you go. Charge.
Chase: Clear! Charging, clear! Charging, clear!
(Scene shifts now to House playing with Adam's blocks at the table in Adam's room.)
Cameron: He's stable for the moment, first degree atrioventricular block.
House: Okay, what else do we know?
Foreman: His liver's damaged, pleural effusion compromises lung function.
Chase: Biopsy was negative for cirrhosis. Parents didn't poison their son.
House: It's not his liver, his heart or his lungs. The calcium carbonate in his stool.
Chase: He's constipated, parents probably just overdid it.
House: Or they didn't do it at all. Calcium carbonate's also what's in chalk.
Foreman: So he ate some chalk, it isn't toxic, sure didn't cause the pleural effusion.
House: Forget the chalk.
Cameron: You just said it was about the chalk.
House: Yes, and then I said forget the chalk, you must be very confused. This kid's got pica. Take him to a buffet he's going to eat the table.
Chase: Old lead paint?
Cameron: Level of lead in the blood was normal. His tox screen was clean.
House: We're not looking for typical poisons we're looking for anything that he can put in his mouth; matches, spiders, bricks.
Chase: Pressure-treated wood used to contain arsenic.
House: Even better. [To Foreman.] Hansel, get samples of the gingerbread house; bag everything.
(Next scene is later in the day; House is wearing his leather jacket and is downstairs in the parking garage about to go home.)
[His bike is now in the middle of the parking garage and Ali is sitting on it.]
House: You can get into a lot of trouble being here.
Ali: I wanted to see you.
House: Yeah, I got that. So did everyone else, they think you're a stalker.
Ali: One could argue those people might be jealous of your attention.
House: Yes I actually made that argument.
Ali: You going home?
House: That's the plan.
Ali: In Iceland the age of consent is 14.
House: I'm surprised that tourism isn't a bigger industry up there.
Ali: So today I'm jailbait but in 22 weeks anybody can do anything to me. Will I be so different in 22 weeks?
House: 22 weeks is enough for an embryo to grow arms and legs.
Ali: It's just a line; an arbitrary line drawn by a bunch of sad old men in robes.
House: Yeah, who cares what judges think.
Ali: Didn't think of you as a guy who followed rules just because they were rules.
House: You are over 10 years younger than me. [Ali makes a face.] I said over.
[There's the sound of an elevator dinging before Cuddy appears.]
House: Gotta go!
House: Doctor Cuddy, do you happen to know the way to the Icelandic consulate? This young woman, a stranger to me, was just asking directions.
Cuddy: Security was going to call the police; I don't want to do that to you. Go home.
House: She needed a ride.
Cuddy: She got here on her own she can get home on her own. Now! [Ali grudgingly gets off House's bike.] And if I see you on hospital grounds again, I will call the police.
[Ali gives House a sweet smile accompanied by a "do me" look before walking off, House blinks at her and Cuddy gives a shocked look.]
House: After that look I'm feeling a little frisky, looks like you're up.
Cuddy: I'm ovulating, let's go.
House: The frisky it went away.
Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
House: If I leave her alone can I have my carpet back?
House: If I forget about my carpet can I have her?
[Cuddy doesn't bother to reply and he swings his cane and slides it into his bag like a ninja slides his sword back into a sheath strapped to his back. It's just terribly cool.]
(We see scenes of Foreman at the family home taking samples and pulling a plant up from inside a tunnel that's part of Adam's playground.)
(Next day, House is playing Adam's PSP on his bed when the Ducklings walk in.)
Foreman: Jimson weed. Found a small patch of it in his backyard. Jimson weed contains atropine. Poor man's acid. Our kid's been tripping on Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium; explains the pleural effusion, the heart arrhythmias.
Cameron: Meeting here will do nothing to upset Cuddy.
House: I'm not trying to upset Cuddy; I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient. Continue.
Chase: Jimson weed doesn't explain the screaming.
House: You've obviously never had a bad trip.
Cameron: I would have thought you'd try to accomplish two goals at once.
House: Why can't you be more like the other age inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me. Continue.
Chase: Treatment for Jimson weed OD is physostigmine. Kid's got heart issues, the two don't mix. We better make sure that's what he's got.
Foreman: Serum from the lab in Patterson is 3 days minimum.
Chase: He won't survive 3 days.
House: What time does he wake up?
House: Then what? Walk me through it.
Cameron: 7.40 - 7.50 he goes to the toilet, washes his face, what does this matter?
House: I'm trying to prove he ate the plant.
Foreman: His schedule has nothing to do with Jimson weed.
House: There are two possibilities, either the parents saw him eat the plant or the kid has unsupervised time and eats plants instead of playing blocks.
Chase: Even if you find 15 minutes of free time outside doesn't mean he spent it eating a bush.
House: So what do we do? Nothing? Wait for the kid to tell us? What?
[House gathers his stuff and gets up off the bed.]
Cameron: Where are you going?
House: To talk to him.
(Scene moves to the ICU, House walks in on the family.)
House: Ever see your son eat a bush?
Sarah: I haven't.
Dominic: I've only ever seen him eat leftover--
House: Adam! [The boy opens his eyes a little droopily.] Did you eat something at your house, something that made you sick? I need you to show me what you ate. [Adam makes protesting noises.]
Dominic: He can't answer you.
House: Neither can you. [House takes one of the learning boards that Adam has and starts sticking pictures on it as he talks to illustrate his point.] This is your backyard; you may know it as Mel's Diner. Here's your sandbox, your jungle gym, under it is this. [He picks up a photo of the Jimson weed and puts it on the board.] I need to know if you ate this, Adam. [Adam isn't really looking and is still making protesting noises.]
Dominic: He doesn't know what you want.
House: Adam, you have to tell me because if you don't, [He picks up the PSP and shows the game over screen on it.] it'll be game over, you'll be dead.
Dominic: What the hell are you doing?
House: Show me what you ate. Adam! Show me what you ate.
[Adam slowly reaches out his hand and pulls at the picture of the sandbox and holds it in his hand. Suddenly his right eyeball does a flip in its socket and does a 360.]
Sarah: Honey? Adam!
(Next scene is in the hospital's chapel, two grieving strangers are inside sitting quietly when the Ducklings come in.)
House: [At the podium in the front of the room, talking in a spot-on Southern accent.] Come on in, brothers and sister. Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
House: [One of the strangers leaves. House points to the whiteboard next to him on the podium.] We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head? [Uses his cane to point at Chase.]
Chase: It's consistent with Jimson weed poisoning, ocular paralysis. [The other stranger gets up to leave.] Sorry.
House: The wicked shall deceive ye because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots, his ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted.
House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven!
Cameron: Can you stop doing that? Just say not MS.
Chase: Stroke, bleed in the brain.
House: [Back to his normal American accent.] We'd be seeing other symptoms besides a single eye misalignment, like a coma, and you've already testified.
Foreman: It's a tumor.
Cameron: And all the imaging just missed it?
Foreman: It's a micro tumor. Started in his lung which caused the pleural effusion, then it metastasized to his liver which made it slough cells. And then went to his brain behind the eye which caused it to roll back into his head.
House: So he has 3 tumors and we missed all of them. What's the opposite of a miracle?
Foreman: I've a better chance of finding it now that I know exactly where to look. So, unless you have a better idea, I'm going to go CT his head and then if I have to, remove his eye.
House: You remove this kid's eye he's only going to be half as good at not making eye contact.
(Next scene, House is eating crisps, daydreaming and sitting in front of the wall fountain of cascading water that we saw in 2.19 House vs. God.)
Cuddy: Hello? Hello? Hello? [House finally looks up.] I have sad news for you. She doesn't love you.
House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night, came on to me.
House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
Cuddy: House! She's sick.
House: You say sick, I say freestyling.
Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
House: Come on, you're not that bad.
Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her!
House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Cuddy: You don't believe me.
House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Suzie was sleeping with Johnny. Didn't believe them then I don't believe them now, I don't care that Suzie married Johnny, he's mine.
[Cuddy looks baffled by this.]
Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
House: [Softly.] No she doesn't.
Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart; it went "Greg House, Greg House, Greg House".
Cuddy: Fine, I'm lying. But she did come back, she's locked up in my office, I was hoping you could talk to her, put an end to this.
(House walks into Cuddy's office where Ali is waiting.)
[Almost everything he says to her is quoted from Casablanca but she doesn't realize that.]
House: Listen to me; do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in a jail.
Ali: You're only saying that to make me go.
House: I'm saying it 'coz it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor. [She looks confused.] Is there a Victor in your class? [She shakes her head.] Well if you're not with someone your age, you'll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ali: [Starting to cry.] What about us?
House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. [He raises her chin.] Now, now, here's looking at you-- [He notices that her tears are milky.] Damn. Was there an earthquake when you were in Fresno?
House: I ask all my girlfriends that.
Ali: Umm... yeah a little one.
Ali: What? What is it?
House: It's not love, you have spore in your brain; Coccidioides immitis. California's full of them, they get an earthquake they get released into the air, you breathe it in you get a cold, turns into sinus congestion, aches, weakness, milky tears and sometimes loss of inhibition and judgment. Damn! [He takes up a prescription pad.]
Ali: So loving you, wanting to have sex with you is all just the spores talking?
House: [Hands her a prescription.] You'll probably live. Damn!
(Later the day, House is playing with a slinky in Adam's room when he sees the board full of squiggly lines that Adam drew on his blackboard. He suddenly realizes something and rushes off.)
(Scene moves to House bursting into an OR.)
House: Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
House: Like I said, don't touch his eye.
(And then House walks into the ICU where Foreman and the parents are still waiting beside Adam's bed.)
House: Why isn't he in surgery?
Foreman: Some emergency bumped him; we've got another room in 10 minutes.
House: Better not take him in, kill the lights. [He sits on Adam's bed.] He's seeing them all the time.
Foreman: What are you looking for?
House: [Using a light to peer into Adam's pupil.] He's telling us what he's seeing, telling us exactly what was wrong with him, drawing them for us over and over again. Nobody knew how to speak autistic. When I asked him what he ate he even told me that. [He holds up the picture of the sandbox.]
Dominic: What are you talking about? What was he seeing?
House: [Peers into the pupil again and now we can see the squiggly lines Adam was drawing... they're worms.] Hello my pretties. It's not a tumor, Foreman, it's worms swimming in his eye. Animal makes potty in the sandbox, boy plays in the sandbox, boy eats the sand, you can probably tell where this is going by now.
Foreman: Stool samples were negative for parasites.
House: Raccoon roundworms are not excreted by their human host.
Foreman: Cameron tested the sand.
House: All of it? Worms spread from his gut to the rest of his body. Attacked his lungs, that’s what made him scream and caused the effusion. [CGI of all this as House explains.] Invade his liver sending dead liver cells coursing through his system, it attacked his eye and the muscles surrounding it making his eyeball do a back flip. Laser photo coagulation can fix the eye and high dose of benzimidazole should kill the worms.
Dominic: Wait a minute, that's it? He's going to be ok?
House: Good news, he's going to be with you for a long, long time.
(Much later, Wilson walks into Cuddy's office with a big book.)
Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger's syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It is typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules, and they dislike any change in setting or routine"... or broadloom. Doesn't say that last part but you get my point.
Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's, diagnosis is much simpler; he's a jerk.
Wilson: Why do you think he took this case? Because he believes these parents? Because he wants to help a young boy? He sees himself in this kid and he's trying to help himself. He doesn't want this, he needs it.
(Later House is sitting on a couch in front of Adam's room watching the family as they prepare to leave; Wilson comes up and leans on the pillar next to the couch.)
Wilson: You're not autistic; you don't even have Asperger's. You wish you did, it would exempt you from the rules, give you freedom, absolve you of responsibility, let you date 17-yr-olds. But most important it would mean that you're not just a jerk.
House: At what point does a person endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk? [Silence for a while as they watch the family.] First tongue kiss, an 8 on the happiness scale. (Possibly harking back to the scale Wilson was talking about in 3.01 Meaning.) Your child being snatched back from the brink of death, that's a 10. They're clocking in at a very tepid 6.5 because they know what they have to go back to.
[The family walks up to House.]
Dominic: Listen... thanks.
Sarah: You saved his life.
House: Yeah I know, see ya.
[Adam walks up to House without making any eye contact, and then hands House his PSP. House takes it and Adam makes eye contact with him for a couple of seconds, but it's enough. He walks away again and the parents are almost in tears, so ecstatic to see such progress from their son.]
Dominic: You're so good! [Dominic kisses his son on the head and both parents smile thankfully at House as they walk on.]
Wilson: That was a 10.
(Last scene, a guy is rolling out the old carpet in the conference room to reveal the bloodstains. House watches on as Cameron walks up to him and stands next to him)
Cameron: All change is bad? It's not true you know.
(Scene closes to Waiting on an Angel by Ben Harper.)
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I don’t want to go alone
I don’t want to go alone
I don’t want to go alone