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House MD - 2.19 House vs. God

Originally Aired: Apr 25 2006

Written by: Doris Egan
Directed by: John F. Showalter

Transcribed by: Jenna (hithluin)
Betaed by: Heather (nozenfordaddy)


DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." It's owned by FOX and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be copied or distributed, especially for commercial use.



(Scene opens on a congregation in a church, a young teenage boy is talking to them and they are giving him applause.) [Beta Comment: They’re singing ‘I’ve got the Joy’.]

Boyd: Do you feel the spirit? [Applause.] And in the 39th year of his reign, Asa was diseased in his feet until the disease was exceedingly great, yet he didn't seek help from the Lord, but from the physicians. Now there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor, but can a doctor heal through the power that Jesus gave his disciples? Men of science can walk through life with blindfolds never knowing that you or I could not take a single step if we were not uplifted by God.

[He walks up to an old woman who has to use a walker to walk/stand and puts his hand on top of her head.]

Boyd: Agnes, thank you for letting me be an instrument of God's love for you. [He is silent for a moment, then takes his hand away. She slowly realizes she's able to walk again, he takes her walker away, people in the audience are shocked.] In faith, all things are possible. My friends, I want you to let Agnes feel the wave of faith in this church here today, lifting her into God's hands.

[The audience is on its feet, clapping and cheering her on.]

Boyd: Come on, sister. [She starts to walk; ‘When Jesus Walks’ starts to play.] Praise Jesus! Thank you Lord! [Suddenly in the middle of praising, his hands start clenching against his will, we see CGI of his muscles contracting and Boyd suddenly curls in on himself and collapses to the floor in pain. His father runs over to him.][Beta comment: I feel the need to point out that his father is the ‘greatest American hero’. And now I’ve aged myself.]

Dad: Son!

Boyd: Dad, I think I need a doctor!


[OPENING CREDITS]

(Scene opens with House walking into the hospital in the morning with his black riding jacket and sunglasses.)

Wilson: [Walking up to him.] Did you remember my DVD player?

House: Well if you wanted it, you shouldn't have left it behind when you moved out.

Wilson: No I get it, it's a drag watching porn on VHS.

House: I'll call you as soon as I'm done with it. That's if you ever get a phone installed.

Wilson: Ohh forget it, I'll come by and get it myself, err after work, Thursday?

House: Won't be home Thursday.

Wilson: No problem, still have a key; I can let myself in and out.

House: I guess maybe I could bring in it tomorrow. After all, how many times can you hit pause at the part where Lindsay Lohan wins the spelling bee? What is it about girls who can spell?

Wilson: It's a math contest.

House: What is it about girls who can count?

Wilson: It's poker night isn't it? [House's guilty look confirms it as the lift dings the fact that it has arrived on the ground floor.] You said weeks ago that I could play. Stop making excuses.

House: Gotta go, building full of sick people. [He walks into the elevator and peeps out.] If I hurry maybe I can avoid them.


(Scene cuts to Cameron and Foreman with Boyd and his father.)

Foreman: The abdominal series show no evidence of obstruction, what'd you have to eat?

Boyd: Chicken sandwich, we travel - lots of fast food.

[Foreman presses on various parts of Boyd's abdomen; Cameron pushes a needle into his arm.]

Boyd: Thank you, I barely felt it.

Cameron: You're welcome.

Boyd: God told me you were kind.

Cameron: You talk to God?

Dad: God's presence often descends on Boyd to help him guide others.

Foreman: This been going on long?

Dad: Since he was 10.

Boyd: God told me I would meet a woman... err... healer... who was harboring vengeful thoughts about a man she works with. [Foreman and Cameron look uncomfortable.] That's God's job.

Cameron: I'll keep that in mind. His urine is dilute.

Dad: What does that mean?

Cameron: Could mean that for some reason his kidneys aren't purifying the way they should, which would let toxins accumulate in his body. We'll run the blood work and see what it tells us.

Boyd: Thank you, I appreciate it.


(House is playing with his yoyo in his office, the Ducklings talk.)

House: God talks to him?

[Foreman shrugs.]

Chase: It's not psychosis, he's just religious. The only medical issue that showed up on the blood work is low sodium.

House: No, you talk to God you're religious, God talks to you you're psychotic.

Chase: A lot of people experience their religion as something more than symbolic. That doesn't mean--

House: God ever talked to you when you were in the seminary?

Chase: [Scoffs.] No.

House: God's loss, our gain. He's either psychotic or a scam artist.

Foreman: He was actually err... really impressive.

House: Well yeah, with the burning bush and all, it's quite the show.

Cameron: He was intelligent, polite, dignified, he's not a typical 15-yr-old.

Foreman: And he told Cameron, God wants her to stop being pissed at me over the article.

House: God knows you stole Cameron's article?

Foreman: He knows she's harboring "vengeful thoughts".

Cameron: I'm over it.

House: Yeah. I can tell that from the Berlin wall of body language between you. [They are standing about a meter apart.] I'm shocked that he picked up on it. Low sodium - check for Addison's?

Chase: No pigmentation and potassium levels are normal.

House: Cirrhosis?

Foreman: Liver feels fine, transaminases are normal.

House: [He sighs.] We should monitor his saline intake to correct the low sodium. No more than one mEq [Beta Comment: mEq = milliequivalent.] per litre per hour. Let's push the patient history to see if there's any history of drugs or other delusions. I'll take care of it. [He starts to walk out.]

Chase: You're going to talk to a patient?

House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.


(Scene cuts to House walking into Boyd's room.)

House: So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like divine health management? [He closes the door and Boyd looks confused.] I thought God might have mentioned that I was coming.

Boyd: I'm ok with faith healer, Doctor House.

House: Oh! That's a nice one, didn't even go with I see an 'H' and a medical coat.

Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.

House: Ah, don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants. Faith - that's another word for ignorance isn't it? Never understood how people could be so proud of believing in something with no proof at all. Like that's an achievement.

Boyd: God's asking for our trust. You can't love somebody and not trust them.

House: Trust has to be earned; can't trust someone hiding in a closet.

Boyd: You don't trust anyone.

House: You seem lucid, there's no confusion, no lethargy. What drugs have you been taking?

Boyd: Nothing. Erm... some aspirin, I get focused on something, I forget to eat and next thing you know I've got a hunger headache.

House: So aspirin and hospitals are ok. That's an interesting attitude for someone who's kept any number of people from getting medical help.

[The dad walks in with a refilled bottle of water.]

Boyd: Just because I believe in prayer doesn't mean I don't believe in germs and toxins.

House: That bottle's been opened before. You refilled it at the water cooler.

Dad: Yes.

House: How often do you do that?

Dad: Few times an hour, he likes to stay hydrated. You think germs might have gotten in?

House: I think water might have gotten in.


(Scene changes to Wilson with a female patient in his office.)

Wilson: We can adjust your pain meds.

Grace: Again.

Wilson: Suppose we increase your oxycodone.

Grace: We both know the only reason I'm talking lucidly now is because I did not take my full dose this morning. [Wilson crosses his arms over his chest.] You've done your best. And I have been a good soldier; it's time we accept it’s over.

Wilson: What about the trip you were talking about taking? You've wanted to see Florence since you were a teenager, right?

Grace: Yeah, go now all drugged up. It's not exactly the trip I've been dreaming of.

Wilson: Ok, but you're strong. You're dealing with this. And there is the right combination of pain meds out there, and we'll find it. Don't give up on us. [There are rattling noises out on the balcony.] And don't be startled by the sound you're about to hear.

[House jumps over the balcony and knocks on Wilson's door with his cane.]

Wilson: Excuse me. I have a friend with boundary issues. [He unlocks the door and then closes it behind him.] Can this wait 5 minutes?

House: Is she dying?

Wilson: Yeah.

House: [House leans to look at her around Wilson.] Before the end of this consult?

Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.

House: Patient, 15-yr-old, faith healer, hotline to God.

Wilson: What are his symptoms?

House: He is NOT a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing--

Wilson: You're worried about trademark infringement?

House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump, it's a power trip.

Wilson: Ah! And there the similarities end. Why is he here?

House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.

Wilson: Majority of Americans believe in a personal God, what are his symptoms?

House: Massive cramps, low sodium, turns out he's been drinking water non-stop, God told him to purify his body.

Wilson: Huge water intake would cause low sodium...

House: Which would cause the cramping, yeah I get it.

Wilson: What? That's it? You solved it. You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?

House: Um hmm... he's all better. You know I get it if people were just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they WANT the holes; they wanna live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!

[Wilson looks confused and walks away back into his office.]


(Scene cuts to Boyd, he is lying on his bed and suddenly opens his eyes.)

[He walks out of his room almost in a trance singing a hymn/song. His vision looks blurred as he sings progressively louder until he reaches a mini-fountain.]

Boyd: Go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born...

Chase: Boyd? [People all over are staring.] Are you alright? Boyd! [Boyd quiets down.] Come on, let's go. Can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are? Boyd? Boyd?

[Boyd suddenly spots Grace walking quietly along the corridor.]

Boyd: God doesn't want you to be afraid, he sent me here to heal you. You think he hasn't heard your prayers but he heard them all, even the ones you didn't say.

Chase: Sorry, Boyd come on; let's get you back to your room.

Boyd: [He takes Grace's hands in his.] In faith, all things are possible.

Chase: Let's go.

Boyd: Lord, I call on you to relieve the suffering of your daughter and make her whole again.

Wilson: [Running down the corridor.] Grace?

[Boyd raises his hand, puts it on her hand and then lets it run down her face.]

Wilson: Hey, hey! What are you... what is this? [He takes Boyd's hand away and protectively puts his hands around Grace's shoulders.]

Chase: He's just had a complex partial seizure, he's disoriented, he doesn't know what he's doing.

Wilson: [Getting angrier.] Well get him back to his room. Now. [To Grace.] Are you ok?


(Scene cuts to House and Ducklings in the conference room.)

Cameron: Are we certain he even had a seizure? Him singing and healing, he does it all the time, doesn't he?

House: Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell them apart?

Chase: The repetition, the lack of affect and awareness, it was a seizure.

Cameron: Infection?

Foreman: No fever.

Cameron: Could be Wilson's. Or maybe it's a glycogen storage disease.

Foreman: Or a brain tumor.

Chase: Or tuberous sclerosis.

House: Hmm... how to settle this? We could ask our patient to ask God, or we could MRI his brain. Which way do you want to go? 'cos I'm open to all of them.

Wilson: [Barging in.] House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?

House: His leash broke.

Wilson: The last thing a terminal patient needs is to hear somebody taunt them with a cure. She was... freaked, she was angry...

House: And now she's not freaked and angry, and you are.

Wilson: She says she's 'feeling better'. Maybe not singing or dancing but she's feeling just a little bit happy for the first time in months.

House: Sudden drop in pain could create euphoria. You should let her have her vacation. [He takes a vicodin.]

Wilson: Oh, that's great. And when vacation's over, when she crash lands from all this denial, she was dealing with her illness. Now her expectations are rising and you're not the one who has to be there when all that false hope gets yanked out from under her. [He storms out.]

[The Ducklings look at House taking all that, House snaps at them.]

House: Don't you guys have anything to do? [Ducklings leave.]


(Scene cuts to Chase preparing Boyd for an MRI, Foreman and Cameron are inside the little office.)

Chase: How long have you been healing people?

Boyd: You believe that's what I'm doing?

Chase: I'd... like to.

Boyd: But you don't. Why do you always do things you don't want to do? [Chase doesn't answer.] It's okay. I don't expect a real answer. [He lies down in preparation for the MRI machine.]

(Cut to Cameron and Foreman in the observation room.)

Foreman: God would probably want you to take the stick out of your butt and get over this.

Cameron: If there is some higher order running the universe, it's probably so different from anything our species can conceive, there's no point in even thinking about it. But I doubt it gives a damn about my butt.

Foreman: So you believe God might exist, but you don't think about it? It's the most important issue-

Cameron: I think penguins might as well speculate about nuclear physics! Why are we having this conversation?

Foreman: What? I'm curious.

Cameron: You cannot tell someone they're your colleague and not a friend, and then casually chat about the afterlife.


(Scene cuts to House walking into the conference room to get a mug of coffee.)

[As he walks past the whiteboard, there's been a line drawn down the middle with "House" on one side and "God" on the other. House has scored one point, God's got two. House goes to get coffee.]

Boyd: [Wandering in.] You actually keep score?

House: Your MRI results aren't done yet; go back to your room. No singing.

Boyd: Well you would get a point for figuring why the low sodium, what are my guy's points for?

House: Your trick about the spat between Doctor Cameron and Doctor Foreman apparently impressed someone.

Boyd: And the second point? [House doesn't answer.] Do you think it could be because I... healed Grace? She's been back to see me, I like her.

House: You like messing with people. That's why you're here now. Now maybe you think that your batteries are powered by God, maybe you don't. Either way, you enjoy what you do.

Boyd: Yes. I like helping people. I get a rush when I see the look on their faces when they realize their burdens are gone.

House: Hmm... but you make sure you're in the next state by the time the endorphins wear off and the arthritis comes back.

Boyd: That doesn't happen.

House: Oh, you do extensive follow-up studies?

Boyd: God told me.

House: That's not fair. We were having fun; it's hard to keep sniping rationally when you throw a bomb like that in there. [He walks back into his office, Boyd follows.]

Boyd: He spoke with me about you too.

House: Forgive my enemies, never date a Taurus when Mercury's in retrograde, yeah, I learnt that one myself, the hard way.

Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone.

House: See that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of everyone he meets, which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.

Boyd: God wants you to invite Doctor Wilson to your poker game.

[House looks up, startled and Boyd walks off.]


(Scene cuts to Wilson eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, House walks in and disturbs him as usual.)

House: Don't talk to my patient.

Wilson: What are you talking about?

House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway but you got no qualms about chatting my guy up.

Wilson: This is fun, it's like password. Keep talking; I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about.

House: God knows about my poker game.

Wilson: You think I told him?

House: Either that or I start going to Church every Sunday. That would mess with my bowling league.

Wilson: House, aside from yelling at him to get back to his room, I have never spoken to your patient.

[House looks shocked once again.]


(Scene cuts to House and Ducklings looking at the MRI results on his computer.)

Chase: MRI shows an abnormal area.

House: Tuberous sclerosis.

Foreman: It's the right neighborhood.

Chase: It accounts for all the symptoms.

House: All of them?

Foreman: Leading cortical tubers identifiable. We can do this surgically.

House: Tell our patient congratulations. Soon his chats with God will be a thing of the past. [He takes up the whiteboard marker and gives himself another point on the board.] Tie goes to the mortal.


(Scene cuts to Boyd's room. Grace shakes his hand and then walks out. Wilson is waiting outside behind a pillar and he starts walking beside her down the corridor.)

Wilson: Did you know the Catholic Church keeps a doctor at Lourdes; he hears the same thing every day. But, out of the thousands of cases of people who've claimed to feel better, the Catholic Church has only recognized a handful as miracles.

Grace: But they do recognize a handful. [She looks better, less pale and wan.]

Wilson: Well, they're a church. It's what they do.

Grace: Look, for the past couple of years, the world's been getting smaller. 8 months, 6 months... [Wilson looks down.] I watch a trailer for a movie and I think, ‘am I going to be here when that comes out?’ and maybe there is still a horizon out there. You know, maybe I can make plans for a year from now. Two years. I like the view.

Wilson: The view is a lie, and if you believe it, you're going to crash so hard. Let me take new images of your liver.

Grace: You can't accept that it could be true.

Wilson: Well if it is true, you shouldn't be afraid of proving it.


(Scene cuts to Foreman and Chase talking to Boyd and his dad.)

Foreman: Tuberous sclerosis is a genetic disorder, causes small benign tumors to grow in various parts of the body. In this case the brain.

Dad: You said benign.

Foreman: They probably are but benign or not, they're not in a good location. We need to remove them.

Dad: You're talking brain surgery?

Chase: His symptoms are getting worse which means the tumors are growing. Surgery will correct it all - the chemical imbalance, the seizures, the auditory hallucinations.

Dad: Hallucinations?

Foreman: Without the surgery, it's just going to get worse; might even be fatal. With the surgery, your son should be a perfectly normal 15-yr-old boy.

Boyd: I'm not normal.

[Chase and Foreman share a look.]


(Scene cuts to Wilson buying food in the cafeteria.)

House: I need you to talk to my patient. [He takes the yoghurt Wilson was going to buy from his hand.] I'll get this one.

Wilson: Why do I have the feeling you're plotting world domination?

House: Moses is refusing surgery. You have a gift, people thank you for telling them they're going to die.

Wilson: If I can get him to agree to surgery, I want in on the poker game.

House: You would let this kid die just to get into a stupid game?

Wilson: You'd let him die just to keep me out?


(Scene changes to House letting Wilson into Boyd's room.)

Wilson: Hi. I'm Doctor Wilson.

Boyd: I knew they'd send somebody else.

House: Think God has a big mouth.

Wilson: House. [House crosses his arms over his chest, leans against the wall, and pouts.] Can I ask why you don't want the tumors removed?

Boyd: God put them there for a reason.

House: You think God needs a telephone in your head to talk to you? Isn't he everywhere? It's not a long-distance call.

Boyd: This is the way God does things, through natural law. If he went around doing big flashy miracles all the time, nobody would need faith.

House: How come everyone else needs faith but you just get the guy screaming his existence in your ear? [Wilson turns around to give him a look.] Your turn.

Wilson: Do you think God wants you to die?

Dad: This is the way that the Lord often is with his chosen ones. He... he gives the most trials to those that he loves the most.

House: How sweet. You abdicate your authority; avoid those tricky parental issues like whether to let him drive at 16, just let him die at 15.

Wilson: So you... believe your son is... umm... a saint? The way I understand it, one of the hallmarks of a saint is humility. Now someone with true humility would consider the possibility that God hadn't chosen him for that kind of honor. Well, he'd consider the possibility that... he just... had an illness. [Boyd and the dad exchange a look.]


(Scene cuts to House and Wilson walking together down the corridor.)

House: You have a gift for manipulation.

Wilson: I listen, I have an actual conversation with people; which shockingly does raise the odds they’ll be co-operative.

House: That's what I'm saying. You read that kid; you manipulated the hell out of him. [Wilson looks at House expectantly.] Bring pretzels.


(Scene cuts to House playing jazz on his piano at home, there's a knock at the door.)

House: I know that knock. Use your key, I'm not getting up.

[Wilson still dressed in his suit from work opens the door with the key and comes in.]

House: Game's not 'til tomorrow night. Those aren't pretzels.

Wilson: I took some images of Grace Palmeri's cancer.

House: Yeah...?

Wilson: [He sighs and hands House one of the scans.] Her tumor’s shrunk.

House: [He stops playing and looks at the scan.] Don't tell my patient.


(Scene changes to next day, House walks up to Chase at the nurse's station, they can see Boyd's room from there.)

House: I want all the records on miracle woman. Every test, every treatment she's ever had, every question she's ever answered in this hospital. Anything sent for previous doctors. Go back to neo-natal if you have to- [He spots Grace with Boyd in his room. Chase looks like he's trying to sneak away.] Which part of keep them away from each other confused you?

Chase: They're friends. She thinks he saved her life.

House: Now we have obligingly offered medical proof that his delusions are true.

Cuddy: [Walking up to them.] They've withdrawn permission for the surgery. I put the lawyers on it. Her tumor shrank?

House: I'm on it. [Cuddy walks off.] Tell Jesus that we need another 24 hours to normalize the sodium levels.

Chase: It's already normalized.

House: Actually, tell Joseph. [He spots the dad walking to the room.] Jesus will know you're lying. And I want you and Foreman and Cameron to go over every line of every file on that woman.

Chase: Isn't he the one we're supposed to save?

House: The only way to save him is to prove that she is still dying.


(Scene cuts to conference room, the whiteboard now says that God has 3 points to House's 2.)

Chase: MRI machine checks out.

Foreman: Maybe the radiologist mis-charted which machine they used.

Chase: Checked both. This is insane, we're diagnosing a recovery.

Cameron: What about 6 months ago? Maybe there was a malfunction on her "before" pictures. Some shadow that made the tumor look bigger than it really was. I'll go see what I can find out. [She walks out.]

Foreman: Maybe it's a delayed effect from radiation. Sometimes it could take a while.

Chase: She hasn't had radiation for 6 months.

Foreman: Here.

Chase: Nowhere. Her records--

Foreman: There's about a dozen appliances in every home that give off radiation.

Chase: Dosages that wouldn't hurt a hamster if it was tied to the machine for a year.

Foreman: If the machine's operating properly.

Chase: Sometimes remissions just happen.

Foreman: [He makes an exasperated noise.] You think House will just shrug and say that if one of us doesn't check the home? [Chase nods and walks out.]


(Scenes flash of Cameron checking MRI records, of Chase checking for radiation in the home, and of Foreman going through all the files in the office. Scene now cuts to House concentrating at the poker game, there are 3 other guys there with him.)

House: Kings on nines. [The other players sigh, he collects his chips. Wilson walks in the door with a bag of pretzels.] Wilson! This is err... [He points to each one.] Dry Cleaner, Tax Accountant, Guy from the Bus Stop. This is Wilson.

Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?

House: Seniority.

Wilson: Hello. [He’s in a McGill sweater.]


(Scene cuts back to Chase at the home, futilely searching for radiation; he calls House, scene switches back and forth between House and Chase.)

House: Find anything?

Chase: Do you have any idea how many electrical devices give off radiation?

House: All of them.

Chase: I'm going to be here all night.

House: Everybody's a whiner. Be a do-er, not a me-tooer. [To the poker game.] Raise.

GBS (Guy from Bus Stop): I'm out.

Chase: There's at least 4 different types of pain pills here. And an LED device.

Wilson: I'll raise your raise.

House: [The other guys look speculative, House looks wary.] Keep looking. [He disconnects and contemplates his position.] Fold.

[The other guys start laughing.]

Tax Accountant: You were bluffing. He knew you were bluffing. Your luck's changing tonight.

[House looks like he'd like to roll his eyes.]

Wilson: So did they find anything? Or are you going to have to accept the fact that every now and then, remissions happen?

[House folds his arms across the chest and stares at Wilson.]

[Chase continues checking in the home, he comes across some men's shirts and ties in the wardrobe in shock and calls House again.]

House: This call had better be worth my time.

Chase: This is what happens when it's not our patient. We don't know enough.

House: That's why you're there.

Chase: She's got a boyfriend.

House: Unless you think he's radioactive...

Chase: He could show up any minute! The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.

House: Give me a minute [He puts the phone on the table to concentrate on the game and tosses some chips into the centre.]

GBS: I'm saying the odds of you having a straight flush are pretty low. [He tosses in some chips too.]

[While House waits for Wilson, Chase hears and sees someone sneezing outside the door of Grace's home. He quickly runs to hide behind a wall.]

Chase: House!

[Wilson continues looking at House's cards, then House's face.]

Wilson: I'll fold.

Dry Cleaner: Fold.

Tax Accountant: Fold.

GBS: I'm screwed, aren't I?

[Meanwhile, the sneezing guy has walked on, Chase quickly gathers his stuff.]

[House flips his cards... he has a straight flush, everyone starts laughing softly.]

House: 9 bucks for a straight flush. [He gives Wilson a look and picks the phone up.] He's not coming home. Relax. [Disconnect.] There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained... eventually. Take this game. Only 2 people knew that you wanted in on it. I didn't tell him.

Wilson: I told you, I didn't tell him!

House: Why would you? No, the only person he's been getting all intimate and conversational with is your cancer chick. How would she know? [Wilson begins to look nervous.] The subject of my poker game isn't likely to come up in the course of a patient interview. No, that's the kind of thing you mention to someone you're used to sharing the details of your day with.

Wilson: [Softly.] Don't.

House: Your rabbi, guidance counselor, parent... she's not your mom, is she?

Wilson: I'm seriously saying don't. [His voice has a very serious warning tone.

House: You've been having sex...

Wilson: So not the place.

House: ... with our miracle woman.

[House and Wilson stare at each other, House looks absurdly satisfied.]


(Scene cuts to Cameron and Foreman stressing over the files as the dad knocks on the door of the conference room and comes in.)

Dad: Excuse me... may I talk to you?

Cameron: Of course.

Dad: Umm... Boyd's getting dressed, he's ready to check out.

Cameron: He can't check out without your permission.

Foreman: His sodium level still isn't normal.

Dad: I told him, he said that God said it was ok. He was fine. Could you talk to him?


(Scene cuts back to House and Wilson talking at the kitchen area while the poker game goes on.)

Wilson: Tell them my name isn't Wilson.

House: Most people in your situation just have their careers to worry about. You've got that and divine retribution.

Wilson: Tell them.

House: Tell me how it happened, I'll tell them whatever you want.

Wilson: [He sighs.] She'd had a bad day - pain-wise. Her ride didn't show up to take her home.

House: So you offered?

Wilson: Yeah. She didn't have any groceries. She was too sick to go out I... figured I could afford... take a half hour and... pick her up a few things and...

House: Stay and make sure she's ok.

Wilson: Yeah.

House: And never leave. You told me you got an apartment, but you moved in with her. You lied to me.

Wilson: Tell them!

House: His name is not Wilson, and he's screwed up worse than I am.

Wilson: Ok, yes, I lied to you. I'm sorry.

House: Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turn into burnt-out cases, but you - you eat neediness.

Wilson: Lucky for you. [He walks out to get his jacket.] Thanks for the game guys, don't think I'll be coming back.

House: You're a functional vampire. Sure, you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you.

[Wilson quickly puts on his jacket and walks out slamming the door, House starts to follow him, pauses to say something to the poker guys.]

House: There's nothing worth stealing so don't even look.

[Outside the front of the building, Wilson's trying to get to his car on the road and House follows him.]

House: You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them!

Wilson: Here we go.

House: You mean it, and then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy anymore. Your fault. You've been there for them too much. They're getting healthy, independent, and that's just ugly. God you must be pissed at God right now for making her all happy.

Wilson: Why are you doing this?

House: Because you're being stupid. [Wilson laughs.] You know what you're risking by sleeping with a patient!

Wilson: Oh that's crap! You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not even mad because I lied to you, you're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell!

House: Yeah, you got me nailed.

Wilson: Yeah, that's why you didn't want me in your poker game. Because when it comes to being in control, Gregory House leaves our faith healer kid in the dust. And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules, you can learn them and you can protect yourself. If a supreme being exists, he can squash you anytime he wants.

House: He knows where I am.

[Mobile phone starts ringing, they both check their pockets.]

Wilson: Think it’s yours.

House: [He answers.] Yeah. [A pause.] I'll be right there. [He puts down the phone.] Jesus is spiking a fever. He's delusional.

Wilson: Tuberous sclerosis doesn't cause fever.

House: I know.

Wilson: I'll drive.


(Scene cuts to the House, Wilson and the team all in the conference room.)

House: Pick any random guy off the street, bring him in here, examine him exhaustively and you'll find at least 3 things wrong with him. This kid has tuberous sclerosis - a mild case.

Cameron: But his tumors are growing.

House: We assumed that the tumors were growing 'cos he's getting sicker, but he could have grown old and died and never known about them if he hadn't come here. We were looking for something; it's more or less in the right part of the brain. It's like we found someone standing over a dead body holding a gun. We arrested them, didn't look any further. Well sometimes, people really do just stumble into a murder scene.

Foreman: His fever's 103 and rising. If we don't do anything, he's going to be chatting with God face-to-face real soon.

House: Fevers don't come from a long-term underlying condition. He's a garden variety religious nut who happens to have an infection. It's lumbar puncture time.


(Scene cuts to Boyd's room - he's delirious.)

Boyd: No, no, God told me no more of man's medicine. If we have faith in him, he'll make me well.

Cameron: It's just a test; we just want to find out what's wrong.

Boyd: God knows what's wrong. God will take care of it.

Foreman: [To the dad.] He's delirious and he's a minor. This is your decision, not his.

Boyd: [Muttering.] The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field... which when a man finds he hides… he buys another field…

Foreman: Buy all the land you want, don't blow your brains out! You're watching your son kill himself! He's out of his mind with fever--

Boyd: Dad! If your faith is weak, I will fail. I need you.

Dad: I'm sorry; you don't even know what's wrong with him. God knows the answer and I would rather leave it in his hands than yours.


(Scene cuts to House looking for Wilson who is using one of the vending machines.)

House: Wilson, need you to do your thing.

[They walk out of the elevator together.]

Wilson: You do know that I don't actually have magical powers.

House: I have faith.

Wilson: Better off trying to slip some antibiotics into a meal...

House: Which antibiotics? We don't know what infection he's got.

Wilson: Go as broad as you can.

House: Forget it; our best hope is your silver tongue.

Wilson: What if it's not an infection?

House: Were you not paying attention when I was doing my murder scene metaphor?

Wilson: What if the tuberous sclerosis IS guilty? It had the guns in its hands, it was standing over the--

House: It doesn't cause fever.

Wilson: It causes everything else. What if the fever's the innocent bystander? Fever could have been set off by something he picked up anywhere. Could have been a bug he got here.

House: [He suddenly stops.] Or a bug he gave here. He gave it to your patient. That's why her tumor shrank; the virus went after the cancer first.

Wilson Are you saying a virus attacked her tumor?

House: For 200 years, there've been reports of wild viruses that target tumors. Early 1900's, an Italian medical journal wrote up a woman with cervical cancer who was injected with a weak strain of rabies, I've no idea why they did that but her tumor shrank.

Wilson: You think he gave her rabies?

House: One of the virus types most prone to go after cancer cells is herpes.

Wilson: Herpes encephalitis. It would fit. Seizure, low sodium, even the blurred vision and it would mean, if you're right, Grace's cancer is coming back. You're not going to be able to convince them. They don't want any more tests. They don't wanna--

House: They can't argue with the mark of Cain.


(Back to Boyd's room)

Boyd: I'm not going to change my mind! No more tests! God knows the way.

House: [Walking in.] Ok, let's start with the shirt. [Wilson walks in behind him.]

Boyd: What are you doing? [He bats House's hands away from taking his shirt off.] What are you doing?

House: I'm on a mission from God. If you won't let me undress you, then strip.

Dad: What's he doing? What's going on?

House: That woman you helped? You gave her a virus.

Boyd: She's healed, I have a gift!

House: Gift is jewelry, socks. What you have is herpes encephalitis. The only way you could have transmitted it is by scratching one of your own sores and touching another person.

Dad: Herpes... that's something you get from sex, right?

House: Either that or cold sores. Your kid got it from the sex.

Boyd: No, no, no sores [He tries to get off the bed, House pushes him back down.] No, my body's clean, they examined me when I came in! No sores!

House: Herpes hides. You have an outbreak; it goes away, comes back, goes away. [He pushes Boyd back down once again.] Strip! Maybe you didn't have a sore when you came in but you've got one now.

Boyd: Dad I've never ever--

House: Do you ever wonder why a perfect child of God should feel so desperate to purify his body that he needed to scarf down a dozen gallons of water a day?

Dad: Boyd... is he right?

Boyd: Dad, no! He's crazy! Help me! Doctor Wilson! Help!

Wilson: God said no medicine, no procedures. Taking off your clothes doesn't count as either of those. This one's your call.

Dad: Son.

Boyd: Dad, you have to have faith in me.

Dad: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust; as much as you can trust a teenage boy. Take off your clothes.

[Boyd resignedly lies down and turns over, then pulls down his pants to reveal a sore on his arse.]

House: Relax. A few Hail Mary's, a little acyclovir, he'll be picking up angels again in no time.

[The doctors walk out leaving Boyd and the dad alone together. The camera shifts focus from Boyd to the copy of the Bible on his nightstand.]


(Scene shifts to House packing his stuff into a bag in his office; Boyd knocks at the door.)

House: Come in.

Boyd: [He stands at the door.] My father told me I have to apologize to you.

House: You still hearing voices?

Boyd: [Nods.] You're lucky. You go through life with a certainty that what you're doing is right. I know how comforting that is. Good luck. [He leaves.]

[House walks over to the conference room; the whiteboard is still 3 to God, 2 to House. Chase is sitting at the table.]

House: You're not going to give me my final point? [He starts taking off the outer shirt over his white t-shirt.]

Chase: You knew it was me?

House: Who else?

[Chase smiles and gets up to the board to give House another mark.]

House: You don't think God should get a point knocked off?

Chase: The tumor shrank.

House: Because of a virus! [He puts on his black leather jacket.]

Chase: Do you know what the odds are? She had to have the right type of cancer; he had to have the right type of virus, the exposure had to be--

House: She won the lottery.

Chase: You say won the lottery, he says... miracle.

House: Yeah, the hand of God reached into this kid's pants, made him have sex so he could scratch the rash, stick his fingers into some woman's face, give her a few extra months. Come on, he's just another liar and manipulator.

Wilson: [Walking in.] Well nobody's as perfect as you are. It is possible to believe in something and still fail to live up to it.

[House follows Wilson out of the office. Next shot, they walk out of the elevator into the lobby together.]

House: So... how's your girlfriend?

Wilson: She got a little extra time out of this. Not a lot.

House: She didn't crash.

Wilson: No. She said she's happier when she believes in something bigger than she is.

House: She still believes.

Wilson: Faith. She's going to Florence.

House: You're moving out? [They exit the hospital.]

Wilson: Yeah.

House: You moving back in with me?

Wilson: I don't think that's a great idea.

House: But we're ok?

Wilson: [Laughs.] House, you are... as God made you.



Tags: season 2
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